re-boot , re-fresh

Oh, I forgot to mention.

I am in possession of THE LAMP (!) . It's quite lovely. I am quite fond of it. That fiat was thrown away long ago and there are no resentments. I feel like I have a power-up right here next to me on the desk. I also received my kitchen cutlery collection. I also received some t-shirts that made me happy when I opened up the delivery packaging and some boxer briefs. Material things DO make me happy. It has a bonus effect as the underwear and clothing in the psych ward was shit. It was one of the most relieving showers of the year to wash the psych ward off and throw away the disposable clothing that was falling apart after 2 wears and 1 wash and put on some staples of my wardrobe to relax and feel comfortable in. They only had pants and shirts in 3XL. I, unfortunately, am currently a fat boy but 3XL is ridiculous.

Anyways, I just felt I had to post about THE LAMP (!) . I feel like at least Santafairy would appreciate the fact I am looking at it right now and it brings me estéthique joie et inspiration. It is appropriate that I received it about the same time that I received a book on Le Corbusier (Form and Ideas). I read about half of a materials sciences textbook in the psych ward. Mostly about iron, steel, cement, concrete. I busted out my old architecture and design skills with blueprints for dwellings of the future. It is clearly possible to dwindle down any use of wood and petroleum and in many cases polymers. I certainly can not overhaul everything by myself. It's strange that in the psych ward when I interacted with nurses that I got to know and talked about my grandiosity 3 of 3 said that they loved my grandiosity and that I should not lose it. That is really weird reflecting on it.

It feels so good being able to do what I want when I want.

I also find materials fascinating.

Get well friend

It's interesting my last post on here before going to the psych ward was about Determinism and Compatibilism. I was sort of obsessed with these ideas. At the height of mania it almost seems like I am a puppet. It felt like I was being controlled by shades of grey hackers from the Western world and Russia and Iran and China. Sam Harris talks about how scientists can predict an action I think it was 7 seconds before it happens. Therefore, if hackers were fighting over actions they could edit my thought and action every time or something like that. Now, I do not believe that hackers control my brain but it is an interesting thought experiment. The only way I would have free will is if an original thought somehow made it through or maybe my thoughts were racing so fast that the hackers could not keep up. I have not thought this through thoroughly enough and I have 0 background in neuro-science so I don't know if I will try to dig deeper. This is stuff that has been contemplated and contested for thousands of years more or less so I do not expect to make any real headway. My only advantage is that I dive into different aspects of consciousness at a higher intensity when I amp up.

It is pretty clear to me that while the mainstream will not touch the subject we are in a Cold War with China and to a lesser extent Russia, Iran, North Korea, etc. Venezuela gets a bad wrap. They are more so a subsidiary of Russia out of desperation. The USA will do whatever it takes to keep South America down and fragmented. The USA will do whatever it takes to keep South American countries indebted to the World Bank. This is similar to a lot of places across the globe.

I agreed to take experimental drugs in the psych ward. It really felt like I was part of some MK Ultra pt. II situation. They dangled a carrot of my desires including spending some time in warm pretty pussy. I am not easily hypnotized but being trapped and severely sleep deprived that is a weird, trippy fucking experience. My mania makes my libido insatiable. I just wanted to squeeze some ass, one-up THE KISS by Rodin, release my seed into pink skies, and take a nap in some breasts. But, at the same time I have handfuls of voices in my head, running thoughts, ruminations... I had to decode everything. I had to pass on the right code at the right time. Was I Jesus? Who is Judas? I don't want to die. I am not strong enough to get down on my knees and utter, "Thy will be done" and be strong enough to sacrifice myself. Judas never betrayed me at least not yet. I am not Jesus Christ.

I graffiti'd the walls with marker until they told me to stop and when the next shift hit I did it all again and again and again. I almost got into a fight with a 6'4'' 280 lb. street fighter. We were besties until he sucker punched a random bystander out of no where. He did not like the fact that I called him out on his cowardice. To be honest, that experience was a major rush and probably the most fun I had in there. My plan was to just keep my distance and he would never get close to me but I got caught up in the shit talk until things reached a boiling point and the staff sequestered me in my room. If he got close I was planning a front kick to the groin and big right hand. His haymaker on the guy the previous day was pretty powerful but he caught the guy with like a slap to the cheekbone + eye area which is pretty pathetic if you are hitting an unaware, unmoving target.

I think my best line from the altercation is he was bragging about how big his penis was (and was also homophobic) and I said, "That's not what my gay friends said." He got super pissed and I really should not have gotten caught up in the whole thing but I am an addict that is also addicted to adrenaline and entertainment. He was a really good shit talker too so it just got out of hand but perhaps unfortunately that morning was probably the most fun I had in there. We ended up squashing the beef before he left. I never disliked him I was just super pissed that he sucker punched a decent human in the face and then the psych ward let him back in the next day. That might even lead to interesting discussion on what is to be done about a guy like that.

Are you taking your medications as prescribed?

Yes.

Stress is only so much in my control. In an ideal world I would have gotten more intense exercise in than just walking. I was gaining too much weight on the Seroquel and I have fatty liver disease so that is no good. Vraylar is a great anti-psychotic for me but it lacks the sleep aid aspect that a Seroquel provides. Lithium is kind of a crapshoot to be honest but I do well on it for the most part (until I don't). Sleep deprivation fucks everything up. Vraylar can only do so much if I get less than 30 hours of sleep in 2 weeks. I should have called my doctor at the first sign of psychosis but I have been some level of "psychotic" the entirety of 2021 so it is just kind of normalized. Although, if I wait to call my doctor until unbearable paranoia, hallucinations, racing thoughts, and ruminations it is too late.

The stress is the main thing I can only do my best to control. The way the USA is setup it is not setup for people like me. Baalim likes to sit on his libertarian capitalist high horse and make fun of me for rotting away under social safety nets. Well, we are all rotting away regardless of whatever immortality projects you think can add meaning to your life. There is 0 chance I could have held a job so far this year. They would all be fucking terrible jobs by the way. I basically just go further and further into debt. Vraylar is the first anti-psychotic that has really clicked for me but I went into withdrawal from dosing off Seroquel and I wasn't on a high enough dose of the Vraylar. By the way, my old psychiatrist could not even prescribe Vraylar since it is a new drug and she was just a resident at a University Hospital that basically didn't let their residents do anything outside of basic. Vraylar is expensive as fuck and basically no insurance company will cover it. Luckily, my parents offered to cover it. I don't know what people outside of my circumstances would do.

Going on Medicaid and Disability are really my only options at this point. I can't control medical bills and medical debt which just continues to grow. I can't keep up with my bills even though I am living as a pauper. It has been 7 years of trying to crawl out of my parents' home and it was never really even an option at any point. It is not like I can just wake up one morning on a good night of sleep and cut my hair, shave my beard, and put on a suit and tie and get some $50,000+ / yr corporate job. That ship has sailed. The amount and size of gaps in my resume and reasons for them make me un-hirable. The fact that one of my principles is a wish to subvert corporations it is just plain silly to try and pander to those totalitarian regimes. I have no problem donating time and effort to projects like Food Not Bombs, [un-named] local projects, Habitat for Humanity, et al. But, I have no desire to hustle around for some job at J Crew where I stand around all day occasionally folding clothes "having a positive attitude" and "delighting customers." No, I am not going back to Whole Foods Market where Jeff Bozos would appreciate it if I have to optimize my every action over the course of an 8 hr shift to survive and maybe I don't even survive if I work a flawless shift. Flawless shift includes no bathroom breaks or breaks for meals. I can't even say hi to the guy running the bistro.

This is why we should automate everything as soon as possible while keeping in mind that AI can be the death of us all. There are ways that this can be accomplished in a fair way. The problem is that labor has no leverage in this situation and we are all basically at the mercy of the totalitarian rulers. I don't trust the government to iron things out smoothly and I don't trust the oligarchs to not take advantage of the situation. It's already like 122 F in Pakistan? What are we doing here?

And, what a dumb fucking condescending question from blackjacki. I have taken my meds as prescribed since they were first prescribed 7 years ago. I have been to the psych ward 4 times. There are no such thing as guarantees in this fucking universe.

I dont know much about your medications, but I am tapering off Benzos since I started noticing that my memory and cognition were getting shot recently, I've been forgetting mundane words and became like 50% dumber than my normal, and as a poker player can't allow this to happen
I tried to switch medications to a Benzo with a shorter half life and out of nowhere I became an angry and manic person, so I came back to Clonazepam and started to tapering off since

I started to take benzos like 5 years ago, when I had no idea what it was, after I got a few episodes of panic attack. extreme anxiety and insomnia, probably induced by long and high dose exposures to stimulants ( supposedly I have ADHD heh ), I also had some hallucinations episodes a few times lol

gotta say that I became a way less stressed and more stable person but I feel like it totally killed my drive to do anything through out the years, I didn't know benzodiazepines long term can induce cognitive decline and dementia, but seems like that was the path I was going down
unfortunately doctors just stack drugs and don't give a shit about your long term mental health, after a few months studying and researching about these drugs I feel like I know more than my psychiatrist about the subject, whenever I ask her a question she seems confused and the answer is always to try to stack up a new drug

your life seem to suck balls hard which doesn't help, my only advice is to stop focusing too much on random shit like politics and internet debate and focus your energy more in educating yourself about your mental health and knowing more about yourself and your inner demons

On June 30 2021 01:08 drone666 wrote: I dont know much about your medications, but I am tapering off Benzos since I started noticing that my memory and cognition were getting shot recently, I've been forgetting mundane words and became like 50% dumber than my normal, and as a poker player can't allow this to happen I tried to switch medications to a Benzo with a shorter half life and out of nowhere I became an angry and manic person, so I came back to Clonazepam and started to tapering off since I started to take benzos like 5 years ago, when I had no idea what it was, after I got a few episodes of panic attack. extreme anxiety and insomnia, probably induced by long and high dose exposures to stimulants ( supposedly I have ADHD heh ), I also had some hallucinations episodes a few times lol gotta say that I became a way less stressed and more stable person but I feel like it totally killed my drive to do anything through out the years, I didn't know benzodiazepines long term can induce cognitive decline and dementia, but seems like that was the path I was going down unfortunately doctors just stack drugs and don't give a shit about your long term mental health, after a few months studying and researching about these drugs I feel like I know more than my psychiatrist about the subject, whenever I ask her a question she seems confused and the answer is always to try to stack up a new drug your life seem to suck balls hard which doesn't help, my only advice is to stop focusing too much on random shit like politics and internet debate and focus your energy more in educating yourself about your mental health and knowing more about yourself and your inner demons

Benzos are the devil. Maybe not as bad as opioids but benzos are pretty bad. I have had doctors prescribe it in the past to help if I get too psychotic. It works ok and seems to help me sleep a little bit but there are better drugs than that for me. Ativan was the one prescribed at that time. In fact, when I was freaking out in the ER this go around I took an Ativan and got some sleep before I was stable enough to boot me out so that I could walk home and have a friend drive me to the psych ward. I had Xanax prescribed for panic attacks and anxiety but threw all of those down the toilet because benzos are the devil.

I would believe that you knew more about 3 benzos than your psychiatrist. From my experiences, psychiatrists have more than a full plate each week and don't actually have a lot of time to research anything as in depth versus someone who is unemployed and focused on a topic. Imagine someone being on call and getting 30 min. of sleep and then being required to put in a full day shift (like my psychiatrist in the psych ward did). There is probably no way they are going home to read papers on x, y, z drug that night.

I don't know if I would say my life sucks balls. Today was a pretty good day. If I did the same thing that I did today every day that might get boring but it is possible for me to have good days. I still think I am probably better off to have never been born but I am here so *shrug*. I am not filling up on Ketamine and getting lost in Bangkok nights but I am not interested in that anyways. Yeah, of course I want to get out of my parents' home and date and all of those things but it just has not been feasible and that is ok.

On June 30 2021 01:08 drone666 wrote: I dont know much about your medications, but I am tapering off Benzos since I started noticing that my memory and cognition were getting shot recently, I've been forgetting mundane words and became like 50% dumber than my normal, and as a poker player can't allow this to happen I tried to switch medications to a Benzo with a shorter half life and out of nowhere I became an angry and manic person, so I came back to Clonazepam and started to tapering off since I started to take benzos like 5 years ago, when I had no idea what it was, after I got a few episodes of panic attack. extreme anxiety and insomnia, probably induced by long and high dose exposures to stimulants ( supposedly I have ADHD heh ), I also had some hallucinations episodes a few times lol gotta say that I became a way less stressed and more stable person but I feel like it totally killed my drive to do anything through out the years, I didn't know benzodiazepines long term can induce cognitive decline and dementia, but seems like that was the path I was going down unfortunately doctors just stack drugs and don't give a shit about your long term mental health, after a few months studying and researching about these drugs I feel like I know more than my psychiatrist about the subject, whenever I ask her a question she seems confused and the answer is always to try to stack up a new drug your life seem to suck balls hard which doesn't help, my only advice is to stop focusing too much on random shit like politics and internet debate and focus your energy more in educating yourself about your mental health and knowing more about yourself and your inner demons

you take way too many pills man, benzos are scary af, clonazepam also, MRIIs are safer but still you personally should lean towards the least ammounts of pills possible.

On June 30 2021 03:21 Baalim wrote: you take way too many pills man, benzos are scary af, clonazepam also, MRIIs are safer but still you personally should lean towards the least ammounts of pills possible.

I was taking only Clonazepam for anxiety / insomnia, Concerta which is ritalin long release, and one SSRI which my doctor gave me randomly but I stopped because I suspect it was what killed my drive
Clonazepam is the benzo that I take, SSRI's are safe and debatably even beneficial long term because they have neuro-protective properties, don't down regulate anything, but in some people they can cause anhedonia ( my case but not sure if it was the cause ) and a few other minor side effects like eating disorders and shit that I'm not really worried

I took a month off poker to detox from everything and the only thing I'm taking at the moment is benzo because I can't simply cold turkey this crap without major side effects, but I was taking 4mg and now only 1mg, expecting to stop completely by the end of the next month, I plan to go back to short release Ritalin for no more than 5 days a week in a very small dose like 5~10mg, ( I was taking 70mg Concerta daily at a certain point ), but I'm trying to educate myself better on the subject before jumping on these drugs again

On June 30 2021 01:52 RiKD wrote: I don't know if I would say my life sucks balls. Today was a pretty good day. If I did the same thing that I did today every day that might get boring but it is possible for me to have good days. I still think I am probably better off to have never been born but I am here so *shrug*. I am not filling up on Ketamine and getting lost in Bangkok nights but I am not interested in that anyways. Yeah, of course I want to get out of my parents' home and date and all of those things but it just has not been feasible and that is ok.

what I meant by saying that is more related to the facts that you still live with your parents, have no financial freedom, no career, no longterm goals, this is the overall "sucks balls" part, doesn't seem like you are in a spot where you have many choices or flexibility in your life to decide to do something else, not like everything is lost but it's not something that helps your mental situation
I also dont think my lifestyle is "cool" by any means or think that is something people should be aiming for, far from that

I think there's no objectively right way to live life, all comes down to personal choices but the context of where you are right now financially, socially and mindset wise can be used as measures of how well you are set in life to overcome present and future obstacles

fortunately for me I'm in a way easier spot than you to deal with my mental issues, if I want to switch careers I can see some opportunities, or if I want stay without working until the end of this year or next year I can do that, I think this is my advantage, my life style is part of the dark side of my life

Show nested quote + On June 30 2021 01:52 RiKD wrote: I don't know if I would say my life sucks balls. Today was a pretty good day. If I did the same thing that I did today every day that might get boring but it is possible for me to have good days. I still think I am probably better off to have never been born but I am here so *shrug*. I am not filling up on Ketamine and getting lost in Bangkok nights but I am not interested in that anyways. Yeah, of course I want to get out of my parents' home and date and all of those things but it just has not been feasible and that is ok. what I meant by saying that is more related to the facts that you still live with your parents, have no financial freedom, no career, no longterm goals, this is the overall "sucks balls" part, doesn't seem like you are in a spot where you have many choices or flexibility in your life to decide to do something else, not like everything is lost but it's not something that helps your mental situation I also dont think my lifestyle is "cool" by any means or think that is something people should be aiming for, far from that I think there's no objectively right way to live life, all comes down to personal choices but the context of where you are right now financially, socially and mindset wise can be used as measures of how well you are set in life to overcome present and future obstacles fortunately for me I'm in a way easier spot than you to deal with my mental issues, if I want to switch careers I can see some opportunities, or if I want stay without working until the end of this year or next year I can do that, I think this is my advantage, my life style is part of the dark side of my life

I wanted to write a long post here because I have about an hour to kill before I can go to the beach and use restroom facilities. Yesterday, I said fuck it and just went and snuck a pee under the bridge but it was crowded there even at that time and Others are watching. To make matters worse I had to take a shit and just had to hold it until the County Park opened. It was a shitty experience in more ways than one.

I find that your post is pretty spot on but there is only so much I can do. This current existence is not easy for neuro-divergent people. It is not like I am giving up but the locomotive is going to more or less take me where it is going to take me. I don't think the rare moments of free will are going to turn the train around. I was hearing so many whispers of The Secret and other bullshit in the psych ward.

"IT'S DAY 1 OF YOUR LIFE'S JOURNEY!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! JUST VISUALIZE WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU WILL ATTRACT IT IN YOUR LIFE!!!"

That's what made me flip out in my first rehab. We literally watched The Secret in an official outpatient drug rehab program and I couldn't take it. This is my life now? I would rather die.

Imagine being totally broken by drugs and alcohol and the last lifeline in rehab is a patriarchal christian god + 12-step program or The Secret. No wonder I had a mental breakdown.

Going to Paris is what saved me. Although it does feel like I have guardian angels.

Something is controlling me it is just really difficult to pinpoint it. Thirst, hunger, libido. My DNA. My code. Mother Nature. Civilization. Culture. I do not control what I am inspired by or hypnotized by. My muses cast their spell on me without my consent. I could pray to the fates but I don't think it would change their mind.

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It is good that you recognize that abusing ketamine and mdma too often is part of your dark-side. I have done a lot of work on myself including work on my demons. It's not something I want to obsess over. I did recently set up a new therapist appointment. Just someone to talk to about this stuff with no worries of any privacy issues. I don't expect that she will change my life in any significant way over say a 1 month period but there are things I need to work on moving forward.

On June 30 2021 05:24 drone666 wrote: I was taking only Clonazepam for anxiety / insomnia, Concerta which is ritalin long release, and one SSRI which my doctor gave me randomly but I stopped because I suspect it was what killed my drive Clonazepam is the benzo that I take, SSRI's are safe and debatably even beneficial long term because they have neuro-protective properties, don't down regulate anything, but in some people they can cause anhedonia ( my case but not sure if it was the cause ) and a few other minor side effects like eating disorders and shit that I'm not really worried I took a month off poker to detox from everything and the only thing I'm taking at the moment is benzo because I can't simply cold turkey this crap without major side effects, but I was taking 4mg and now only 1mg, expecting to stop completely by the end of the next month, I plan to go back to short release Ritalin for no more than 5 days a week in a very small dose like 5~10mg, ( I was taking 70mg Concerta daily at a certain point ), but I'm trying to educate myself better on the subject before jumping on these drugs again

lol only? thats exactly what I'm talking about, that isn't h ealthy and no SSRI's aren't benefitial long term, I dont think a single psychiatrist would tell you that a heatlhy person should take SSRI's long term, hell I can't think of a single medicine that would be, not even flintstones vitamins.

4mg of clonazepam is a massive dose 0.5mg would knock a person out for like 10 hours, I'm familiar with it and its a dangerous drug.

jesus 4mg clonazepam is a fuck ton. Glad you were able to taper yourself down

On July 01 2021 05:16 Baalim wrote: Show nested quote + On June 30 2021 05:24 drone666 wrote: I was taking only Clonazepam for anxiety / insomnia, Concerta which is ritalin long release, and one SSRI which my doctor gave me randomly but I stopped because I suspect it was what killed my drive Clonazepam is the benzo that I take, SSRI's are safe and debatably even beneficial long term because they have neuro-protective properties, don't down regulate anything, but in some people they can cause anhedonia ( my case but not sure if it was the cause ) and a few other minor side effects like eating disorders and shit that I'm not really worried I took a month off poker to detox from everything and the only thing I'm taking at the moment is benzo because I can't simply cold turkey this crap without major side effects, but I was taking 4mg and now only 1mg, expecting to stop completely by the end of the next month, I plan to go back to short release Ritalin for no more than 5 days a week in a very small dose like 5~10mg, ( I was taking 70mg Concerta daily at a certain point ), but I'm trying to educate myself better on the subject before jumping on these drugs again lol only? thats exactly what I'm talking about, that isn't h ealthy and no SSRI's aren't benefitial long term, I dont think a single psychiatrist would tell you that a heatlhy person should take SSRI's long term, hell I can't think of a single medicine that would be, not even flintstones vitamins. 4mg of clonazepam is a massive dose 0.5mg would knock a person out for like 10 hours, I'm familiar with it and its a dangerous drug.

I am trapped in my current medication ritual but I don't think there is any way around it at this point.

1,000 IUs of vitamin d in a day is something that would be beneficial or even more if someone is deficient. It is pretty easy for me to take sun in the summer here with an hour or so walk on the beach everyday but vitamin d is more or less a panacea of health.

Vitamin B12 is another one. I don't even know my daily dose but it doesn't even matter so much since it is difficult to overdose (I have managed to overdose on vit b before -_-) but mostly any excess is urinated out.

Converge fueled painting all day today. If I am not careful I'll go right back to mania. I do not remember if Loco suggested Converge ever or I just read about them in the Revolver magazine I read cover to cover in the psych ward. Paintings turned out fucking intense. I barely have any paint left and 0 canvasses.

I am not sure how I am going to wind down. I had an anime planned but the cd didn't work.

I don't really have anything to write about or even think about. Kind of a bummer.

On July 01 2021 05:16 Baalim wrote: Show nested quote + On June 30 2021 05:24 drone666 wrote: I was taking only Clonazepam for anxiety / insomnia, Concerta which is ritalin long release, and one SSRI which my doctor gave me randomly but I stopped because I suspect it was what killed my drive Clonazepam is the benzo that I take, SSRI's are safe and debatably even beneficial long term because they have neuro-protective properties, don't down regulate anything, but in some people they can cause anhedonia ( my case but not sure if it was the cause ) and a few other minor side effects like eating disorders and shit that I'm not really worried I took a month off poker to detox from everything and the only thing I'm taking at the moment is benzo because I can't simply cold turkey this crap without major side effects, but I was taking 4mg and now only 1mg, expecting to stop completely by the end of the next month, I plan to go back to short release Ritalin for no more than 5 days a week in a very small dose like 5~10mg, ( I was taking 70mg Concerta daily at a certain point ), but I'm trying to educate myself better on the subject before jumping on these drugs again lol only? thats exactly what I'm talking about, that isn't h ealthy and no SSRI's aren't benefitial long term, I dont think a single psychiatrist would tell you that a heatlhy person should take SSRI's long term, hell I can't think of a single medicine that would be, not even flintstones vitamins. 4mg of clonazepam is a massive dose 0.5mg would knock a person out for like 10 hours, I'm familiar with it and its a dangerous drug.

if you don't think vitamins and supplements can improve your health you are tripping balls, this statement can't be more wrong
also there's a lot of drugs that barely have any side effect and have strong benefits, Ezitimibe is a good example, Metformin is another example

the only thing I regret taking is the Benzo, and obviously what forced me to take benzos in the first place that is overexposing myself to stimulants, but by no means I regret starting to take ritalin, I would literally be a homeless bum if I never started it

in a perfect scenario I would've taken lower dose and less often as long as I could maintain good sleep and didn't destroy my dopamine receptors. which would be achievable with the correct protocol, but even recklessly hammering this shit as I've been doing for the past 10 years+ it was a +ev decision

On July 01 2021 11:36 RiKD wrote: I am trapped in my current medication ritual but I don't think there is any way around it at this point. 1,000 IUs of vitamin d in a day is something that would be beneficial or even more if someone is deficient. It is pretty easy for me to take sun in the summer here with an hour or so walk on the beach everyday but vitamin d is more or less a panacea of health. Vitamin B12 is another one. I don't even know my daily dose but it doesn't even matter so much since it is difficult to overdose (I have managed to overdose on vit b before -_-) but mostly any excess is urinated out.

you should do a blood work and check a bunch of health markers to see what you are deficient and what you can tweak in your diet/supplementation if you are interested in improving your health
without it you are basically clicking buttons, although the supplements that you mentioned have no issues, and especially vitamin D, 99% of people are deficient unless you are daily shirtless and live somewhere in the tropics

check examine.com for supplements and unbiased health orientation

I am just sitting here listening to Converge – Jane Doe attempting to wake up. I think Jane Doe is my favorite album of theirs at the moment.

My friend suggested a new book The Biology of Desire by Marc Lewis PhD (neuroscience). I have been thinking a lot lately of what I want. Number 1 is just some dignity and the ability to pay at least some of my bills. Even filling up a gas tank for $40 is tough when there is no money coming in and assets are decimated. I hope the book is solid and not pseudo-science pop psychology. I need water, food, shelter, clothing. Maybe not even. I could be naked in solitary confinement somewhere but that is no life to live.

I do not remember if Loco suggested Converge

https://www.liquidpoker.net/poker-for...ing_this_into_a_training_blog.html#62

On July 02 2021 02:57 drone666 wrote: check examine.com for supplements and unbiased health orientation

No one's unbiased, and the main dude behind the site Kamal Patel has some clear biases and if I remember correctly he received money from big egg industry, which partly explains why he appears to be so stupid on the topic and says blatantly false things like "the cholesterol you eat does not affect your blood cholesterol" ...

The ole Loco special planted that Converge seed in early 2018.

The unavailable video must be that Converge – The Dusk is Us.

I remember listening to Immolation and Dead Congregation and could have sworn I listened to Converge but I didn't recognize any of the albums.

There was not even an article on Converge in the Revolver with Gojira on the cover. The mag just sprinkled in hints that it would be foolish to not listen to Converge. I've been listening to them basically 'round the clock for the last 2 days. Sometimes I worry that that will lead to mania or heart attack. I did paintings, trainings, and more or less cleaned the entire house.

My tolerance for this music has definitely grown. I am slowly listening to The Armed and 3teeth because they had the most interesting articles but I am not sure the music holds up. I'd rather just listen to more Converge.

Loco, you might be interested in The Armed story as they are attempting to be a more or less anonymous collective. Obviously, being anonymous is very difficult to achieve especially if they attempt to release music and go on tour and give interviews but it is interesting how they go about things.

Nah, I looked up the link (youtube.com/watch?v=zLRYREmJqho) - it was Jane Doe.

Yeah, I heard about Ultrapop but haven't had a chance to listen to it yet. I'm planning to get a new gym subscription and get back in there so I'll give it a shot once I do. I have almost only been listening to dark/bittersweet/depressing (alt-)country/blues music, especially the work of Jason Molina (RIP) since basically the beginning of the year. Last time I was this obsessed with someone was probably Tupac when I was 15. I highly recommend you explore his body of work, especially as someone who has gone through the struggles that you have. You might find something rare there to connect with. Sadly, he died from alcoholism-related organ failure at 39.

I just realized now that my aux portal on my phone is likely unworkable beyond replacing it. I tried a new pair of Apple buds and it works better but still doesn't stay connected. That just means I will use my portable amphitheater in the car now because I am too lazy to fix it. Since Apple is annoying it will require buying a special screw driver and suction cup to open the damn iPhone up to fix it. I obviously can not afford a new iPhone. I was thinking of going with a flip phone that only has texting and calling next but I do value Spotify, Signal, and Weather apps. Oh well, the only thing that changes is that the music will not be as loud now but that is probably a good thing for my ear drums.

I have been approaching a blues + country + bluegrass phase for a minute now. I was going to a legendary diner here every night (morning) where I would get some food + coffee and draw or talk to people. I met some interesting people there and found out Sturgill Simpson (Won a grammy for best country album whatever that is worth) worked there who my friend knew. My friend S suggested I get back into it and practice Johnny Cash songs again and he has a music studio at his place. I mostly practice neo-soul, alt-r&b, 90s prog metal but my voice is actually best suited for blues and country. Some Johnny Cash songs are dead easy, some are like holy shit double black diamond, and I can't sing some of them because I can't sing that low vibrantly enough. But, yeah, I need to practice blues and country so this is good timing. My range is low Johnny Cash but not bottom to Little Dragon. S also told me I need to start writing my own songs and learn the guitar even if it is just a couple of chords. Then, I went to the psych ward and the nurse I got a long with the best was playing blues on loop all the time. I have a page full of new artists (for me). Anyways, S is at his other home base opening a restaurant but he will be back after the summer heat so I want to be prepared.

My voice is similar to Jason's so that's what I've been doing. I've learned pretty much all the chords that he usually plays (I used to play metal and had never needed to learn them) and I'm still learning how to sing while playing. It's challenging but fun to see small improvements.

I've listened to about an hour now of "Jason Molina 101" curated by Secretly Canadian who I believe was a later record label and I am very pleased. I usually don't like being introduced by the "THE ESSENTIAL X" playlists but his discography is so large and all over the place (in terms of bands he played with, etc.) that it just felt like the thing to do. I suppose from here you already set me up with Eight Gates and The Lioness and I'm sure Jason will spike it home no matter what I pick.

That's a good playlist for sure.

Also, LOL @ Tupac at age 15. Good company. I was more of a Biggie guy but of course I appreciated Tupac.

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My uncle and aunt are visiting. I love them but it has been brutal at times. Getting drunk last night and chattering about all the same things they always chatter about. Then, this morning getting caffeined up and more of the same. I swear we have literally chattered about every topic already in a foggy past sometime. No one mentions anything about it they just chatter away politely. I feel obligated to endure at least some of it but while I'm listening to Jason Molina and typing it does not seem that impolite to just take back some time for myself.

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I think my next road trip will be Memphis and Nashville.

Man, I have plenty of blues / country material in my life but it is fucking difficult to sit down and write a song. In some ways it is easy to just literally tell a story about my life but to actually make it great and combined with a good guitar or piano. I played some piano and guitar as a young buck so I have the basic fundamentals but in all honesty I can barely play. Sad.

I bought a guitar because I wanted to play Shine On You Crazy Diamond pt. 1 - x by Pink Floyd and also John Mayer on Frank Ocean's Channel Orange. My Uncle who has played guitar is whole entire life and can play just about anything stopped trying to play John Mayer because it is too difficult for him...

Jason Molina grew up in a single wide trailer in Lorraine, OH. I was born on Lake Erie too and grew up in a similar city. This is the heart of the rust belt from Detroit to Lorraine to Cleveland to Akron to Canton to Massillon to Youngstown to Pittsburgh. The Cuyahoga River has caught on fire 13 times. Columbus, OH missed most of this manufacturing. It caught wind to F.I.R.E. (Finance, Insurance, Real Estate) quite early and with the large university there provided a lot of action. I wanted to go to Northern California. Stanford, UC–Berkeley, or Reed College. I got a decent enough scholarship to Ohio State University and it seemed to be the only reasonable option for me so I went there. I think that is the case for a lot of Ohio residents. It's either scholarship to Miami University (which I did not like) or scholarship to Ohio State University which I was conditioned to like from an early age.

Most of those manufacturing jobs are long gone now. Columbus still has AK Middletown which is one of the elite steel mills in the world. Cleveland still has ArcelorMittal Cleveland East which again is one of the elite steel mills in the world. Car manufacturing is gone. Even in Pittsburgh there is only 1 blast furnace left when they used to have 13. The US Steel building is now the UPMC building. I think that I would rather those manufacturing jobs come back in order for AI to complete the factory jobs and we figure something out as a nation or globally. The fact that those jobs currently don't exist mean we the people have zero leverage and we are at the mercy of the totalitarian rulers. The only union I know of to have any sort of leverage anymore are the United Steel Workers and their population dwindles lower and lower as the years past. My main account which was a massive account in 2014 with fantastic equipment is not open today and will likely have zero chance of re-opening certainly if it remains an ArcelorMittal holding. 2 state of the art casters, 1 bof, and they just could not figure out a way to make it profitable. Apparently, there is no way to compete with some of the fully fully integrated mills in China where there are no safety or environmental regulations and the biggest reason is that the labor force is bordering on slave labor benefits. One lives at the mill, eats at the mill, and works at the mill for minimum benefits. For many it is better than starving and struggling for margins from rice farming in near by villages. Hyundai steel probably does a better job of any steel mill on the planet. It is entirely integrated from extracting the iron from the ground to making the steel that goes directly into Hyundai cars, hotels, re-bar, whatever Hyundai needs it makes itself. Hyundai's only "downside" is that it pays its workers more fairly with wages and benefits. Even so, many steel working jobs are dangerous, dirty, and difficult. Many of those jobs could easily be replaced with AI and as long as those steel workers could retain dignity and respect for themselves with some sort of income I don't see why we don't automate everything as fast as possible with out putting our existence in danger. And, I don't see why we don't cut out wood. Let's make our houses out of steel, re-bar, concrete. Why are wood floors status symbols when there are composites that are better. Why do we still parade around fur coats, leather purses, and leather heels?

Besides a lost time of being stuck between having the guts to play poker for a living and just flat out fooling around at a hopeless "real job" after university I experienced the emptiness so bad that it jolted me to fled to Buenos Aires. I have not been to my hometown since.

"They never say to come home
Never say to come home"

I had to dig through quite a lot to get to my electric guitar in the closet. Only to find that it was (obviously) horribly out of tune. Maybe it is a bad omen that I couldn't find the auto-tuner and was too lazy in that moment to tune it with my piano. I bought another auto-tuner but I have been jonesin' to play. I already took my psych meds so I am not going to do anything of too much value the remainder of tonight's wakefulness but I hope that tomorrow I will be motivated to tune my guitar to the piano. Any self respecting guitar player should be able to accomplish that with ease. Even though it sounded like shit I hit some chords and even that felt good. There is definitely something to adeptly hitting the right finger placements and producing a great sound. I like how in Spanish they say that one "touches" the guitar. Toco guitarra = I play the guitar but it really means I touch the guitar. Tocar = to touch.

You can download a tuner app on your phone... obviously...

I'm learning spanish myself and been playing guitar as well.

Recently made the error of saying jugar guitar instead of tocar but my teacher didn't correct me for some reason.

I got the Fender app so we will see how it works after my morning walk. I am a massive fan of the Snark tuners that you clip on to the guitar so we will see.

To touch the guitar is much more romantic and Spanish and don't forget that it is guitarra which is said with some flare as they roll the rr. They also take sun. Llevo Sol. Which I always liked Sol better than sun. The ll in llevar is also said quite sexily in Buenos Aires where I learned to speak Spanish. "jsh"evo sol.

I am not saying fire your teacher but that is disappointing. The little differences like that are what make the Spanish language beautiful for me.

Yea I know it's guitarra I did say guitarra at the time idk why I said guitar here. That's not to say my Spanish isn't shit though.

My teacher is portena. I know a bit about the accent and some lunfardo words. I still haven't made up my mind about Argentines. Also I managed to piss off my teacher so might have to fire her.

Porteño / Porteña

But, when I was in Buenos Aires no one ever used these terms. I was Yankee ("jshahn-kee) o Rubio. Buenos Aires folk more or less despise USA people for good reasons. They can also be quite cynical. Yankee was like whatever silly "American" you have to prove yourself here. I was in the same category as the IMF, World Bank, and Dick Cheney until I proved otherwise. Just some rat coming down to take advantage of Argentina's currency problems. Which in some part was true. Buying a litre of Stella Artois for $1 or the best wine and steak dinner I've ever eaten for the price of the Outback Steakhouse is definitely a bonus but I was betting on the culture which turned out to be outstanding. As soon as I dove into the culture and got to know the people "yankee" was nothing more than a funny joke. I had nothing to do with George W. Bush or handing over millions of dollars to dictators to torture and disappear people at will. The US-backed dictators then took those loans and put the money into off shore accounts so that the decimated people were the ones left with the debt.

Maybe the woke crowd would protest for Porteñx.

I haven't spoken to too many people about this but my brother-in-law is Colombian and jokes that woke white people came up with it and that it is not too difficult to use neutral words within the Spanish language. I find myself saying Latinx generally though now although especially for my brother-in-law's sister and husband and children where their first language spoken in the household is mostly Spanish using Latinx just seems a bit silly. Even more silly speaking to their 60 yr old parents that don't really speak English. I have never met someone with Spanish as their first language that came here to the USA tell me that they preferred Latinx. It's not like I really have much at stake as I rarely speak Spanish anymore. At the end of the day no Spanish speaker has ever corrected me saying latinx and no one has correct me saying latino/latina... *shrug*

Also, I don't know if you can really make up an opinion about Argentines by seeing 1 teacher every now and again from Buenos Aires. Argentina is a massive country and even Buenos Aires is a very diverse large city. Growing up in a rough neighborhood in La Boca versus a penthouse apartment in Recoleta vs a chill spot in Palermo Viejo or Colonia vs San Telmo. Even the city of Rosario only a few hours a way from Buenos Aires is quite a bit different. Mendoza, Barrio Noche, even just past Rosario is Gaucho Territory and I never went South of Buenos Aires but there are beaches and then quite a bit of land in the Patagonia area.

Lol how can u just blame Argentina's problems on right wing regimes.

Peron, kircherners were horrible for that country. At least with menem/macri seems like country was in the right direction. Really Argentina failed when the juntas lost control of the country.

"Also, I don't know if you can really make up an opinion about Argentines by seeing 1 teacher every now and again from Buenos Aires"

Yea that's why I said I haven't made up my mind. It's not just based on that teacher, for example Italians in general are kind of tilting

Argentina is a massive country and even Buenos Aires is a very diverse large city. Growing up in a rough neighborhood in La Boca versus a penthouse apartment in Recoleta vs a chill spot in Palermo Viejo or Colonia vs San Telmo. Even the city of Rosario only a few hours a way from Buenos Aires is quite a bit different. Mendoza, Barrio Noche, even just past Rosario is Gaucho Territory and I never went South of Buenos Aires but there are beaches and then quite a bit of land in the Patagonia area.

Yea... I'm not like trying to compete/show off in who is the most knowledagble about Argentina lol. I know a pretty good amount of stuff...

Whatever dude.

Thanks for the smart phone auto tuner tip. I got my guitar all tuned up today and played for 30 min. It was fun. My fingertips still find certain chords easy and others not so much. There is a lot of work to be done if I want to write even the most simple blues song from scratch.

Cool dude. I've taken up classical guitar. It's pretty enjoyable so far, been doing it about 2 months now. I rather like the finger style more so than strumming and I like that I don't have to sing and that the strings aren't made of steel.

I need to figure out my process for creating a song. I have killer material for a blues / country song. I can't pay my bills, I can't work, I have a bum liver I can't afford to do anything about, there is no woman in my life and no sane woman would be with me in my current situation. Maybe I should just work on a poem with melody in mind and then let the guitar riff develop from that.

It's strange that I know more about myself and more about the world than I ever have yet I find myself in a rut. This last mania x psychosis really took it's toll on me. When I think about my liver and Jason Molina's organ failure I think that I am thankful that I am at least not drinking alcohol. My striatum and dopamine is trying to kill me with food however. Sometimes I think about my "legacy" or what have I accomplished in this lifetime. Grasping at immortality projects like they even matter or something. I am well past due to spend some time in cemeteries to figure out what is important to me in this lifetime. The likelihood is that my family and friends would chip in for me to have a liver transplant but I could also just ignore it and die at 39 – 45. I never saw myself living much past 55 anyway. There is a certain power that comes from suicide. It's hard to have fortitude when deeply depressed but finding myself in a strange place where I don't care if I live or I don't care if I die. Maybe someone will find me walking on the beach with my eyes to the ground 9 ft ahead as a place of weakness but maybe rather it is a place of indifference. Nothing can stop me now that I don't care anymore (Trent Reznor). And, I just might truly not care anymore. I care enough that I would be uncomfortable showing up to a social event with women I am attracted to without showering or brushing my teeth for a week. I don't really care that I have not shown up to any of those social events though.

I appreciate Americana but I don't like bleached blonde hair and fake plastic breasts. No I don't like your lip injections. Quit being ridiculous. Not that that even matters. What woman is going to touch a crazy fresh out of the looney bin with a negative net worth crashing at his parents' home for 7+ years. It's one thing to hit some snags in someone's 20s but literally my entire 30s I have lived with my parents and there is no bright future ahead. I don't really know what I am capable of especially in this capitalists' world. So, I play the guitar. I play the guitar as well as I can. There are no more gesso'd canvas. Not even blue or red paint. My credit cards will be cancelled soon. The guitar is all that I have left in this world.

I feel like it is somewhat cruel for your parents to just like...be worth a few million whilst you lay around broke as f lol. I get it that you live basically free but throw the man a bone with a small allowance or something lol.

There's a part in bill Perkins book die with zero that analyzes the logic behind an early inheritance it's pretty interesting stuff.

My dad's best friend down here who took me to the psych ward mentioned this. He said my dad would probably give me $3,000/month or at least my dad's friend would give his daughters $3,000/month. That generation is always caught up on work though. As if I can find some dignity in some repetitive factory job, repetitive food & bev job, or repetitive whatever job. He kept saying that I was super smart and that I could do whatever I wanted but I don't think that is true.

$36,000 is about the breakthrough number that I could probably get an apartment and start to live life a little bit. $24,000 if I live at home with my parents but that is no life. I could probably get by on like $15,000 – $20,000 if I live with my parents. Maybe even less but that is no life to live.

Early inheritance is an interesting idea. I'm at a point now where I wouldn't just blow it all on drugs or gambling (still possible but I don't think it's probable). It could really help me put a down payment on an apartment or something like that and provide a "basic income." I honestly think my parents are planning to die with zero by spending it all on cruises and exotic vacations. They spend so much on traveling my well off brother and sisters are going to have to cover expenses possibly. I would rather that my parents buy a nice house in the Midwest near my siblings and chill out instead of buy here which has ever-worsening hurricane seasons even if it is paradise here. I don't trust the stock market in a collapsing world but what the fuck can anyone trust in a collapsing world.

I don't even know where I am at with BTC (ETH, SOL). My brother had a point that I can't shake. I don't actually understand how the encryption works. I just leave it up to these experts to tell me that it's ok. I do believe in hyper-bitcoinization. It's just kind of a pain. My wallet broke and it's a pain in the ass to buy a new one and get it all setup. This is actually a really easy process it just proves I am a bit fed up with the Tradizone blues and certainly depressed compared to where I was a month ago. I don't actually know how BTC works and it is probably beyond my understanding if my brother can't figure it out.

Well the idea of an early inheritance was that for whatever money you do receive you will get more joy now than say when you are in your fifties.

Even if it isn't to cover like ... an apartment or a yearly lifestyle I don't understand why your family wouldn't be a able to help you take a trip to Argentina or even like pay for hiking trip across the Appalachians or support some sort of vanlife or take some classes or whatever.

The logic behind it is that alot of those activities you can't enjoy as much in your later years and it's not like a once a year vacation isn't going to break the bank for anyone and it will help with your sanity.

Honestly your family could probably contribute 1k a month and you'd have no problem finding like...a wife and starting a family anywhere in South America lol.

I totally agree with Bill Perkins sentiment. Although I have also always valued a liberal arts education as well as life experience. If my brother would have gone to Buenos Aires for a year instead of getting his PhD he would not be where he is today. Maybe moving up the corporate ladder doing jobs that are somewhat interesting and that he is well equipped to do is more valuable than backpacking through Europe at age 25. I mean I do not know if I actually believe that. My brother is a goon for the corrupt banking systems in place but he also has a nice house and relative financial freedom.

The last time I was in Buenos Aires a friend and I paid about a grand USD for a tiny 2 bedroom in a great location. Looking back on it it was kind of weird that we roomed together. We were both winning at 25/50 (he was taking shots at 100/200) and could have stayed anywhere in the city with out the need of rooming together. One of the running jokes was that we were gay since we roomed together despite having large bankrolls and we also were never dating anyone at the time. It's funny to think back about that. We were more so autistic than gay. I remember the landlord was a little pissed that I negotiated the asking price down. It's not like I was a super tourist. I had lived in Buenos Aires for about a year across 2007 and 2008 so I knew what the real prices were and we were paying the guy upfront in USD cash. There was no way I was going to pay the bloated sticker price but the landlord acted like I was cheating him or something. He was an alright guy after all. It seemed like every time I talked to him he was headed to Miami or in Miami and he probably flew private.

A simple life could probably be achieved in Buenos Aires for $1k / month. Finding some place in a not yet gentrified part of the city and not going through a tourist real estate site is probably very doable. I know people who have done this. The big issue is furnishing the place. Electronics are more expensive in Buenos Aires. I am always a bit of a target because I am blonde but I am big and don't dress flashy or carry much cash so it's never really worth it unless someone is absolutely desperate. It's so much easier to go down to the high falutin' areas in Recoleta and steal some clueless Chinese guy's designer bags filled with currency and valuables and speed off into the wild traffic on a motorbike.

I am ambivalent on marriage. I would like a girlfriend though. There are no families that I am going to start. I would have had a vasectomy by now but I don't have the money and am partially afraid to have it done. Oh baby I like it raw but wearing condoms just seems easier. Through out my life it has been mostly strange so I always took safe sex seriously.

I've been playing the guitar until my fingers hurt today. I hope I can develop some calluses here pretty soon. A and D are pretty natural for me. They feel like home. I think I could probably put together a pretty simple blues or country song with just A and D. Time will tell.

Don't get a vasectomy. I used to be on the fence about it. Some people I follow had the opinion that it's overall bad and I think I agree.

Anecdotally I met one dude that did have a vasectomy and he seemed unstable mentally.

Yeah, I don't think I will get a vasectomy even though I looked it up and my insurance would probably cover a lot of it. My favorite is raw and shoot the load inside of her and leave it in for a a little bit but obviously I need a trusted girlfriend for that and even still female birth control is not 100%.

There is also a chance that I fall in love and end up wanting a kid or more. No idea the % on that but I don't think I am solidly 100% to never want a kid. I have only been in love with one woman in my life but she did not want kids so it was pretty easy to be like "yes, of course, no kids" (in my mind). If it were the opposite and there was a woman I fell in love with that was like, "actually, I do want kids" I don't really know how I would react. I am honest about not wanting kids up front (although I don't have a problem with single moms besides it's more annoying than women who don't have kids). If the kid(s) are already here well that is an annoyance but I don't have a problem with that per se. My problem is with bringing children into this world. So, if I had a girlfriend that I was in love with and we both agreed that we didn't want kids early on like the first or third date or whatever then she is like "actually, I want kids..." I don't really know what I would do in that situation. If a woman wanted to get married I think that I would always cave because I don't really give a shit. I don't think I would cave on the kids situation though. No kids. Not for me. (But, obviously, I would not know for sure what I would do unless I was actually in that situation).

I am pretty solid on A, D, E, G now. Was trying to create some songs. I need to find some more challenging songs. JustinGuitar App has me just strumming A and D simultaneously for 5 min which is boring as fuck after a while.

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On another note:

It is funny how a lot of people I know including my parents condemn country. If I were to say "Hey, I found this new Indy Rock where the singer/song-writer is from West Cleveland" everyone would totally be down. They might end up saying it's too slow or depressing or something like that but if I talk about country musicians immediately a bad Southern accent gets put on saying stupid things.

My grandfather used to listen to country and my mom more or less hates him so I guess there is that.

The funny thing is that where I grew up the outskirts were all farms so much so that the other schools in the conference who were all closer to the city of Cleveland made fun of us for being farmers and living in barns and driving tractors around and stupid shit like that. Although, all the surrounding schools had drive your tractor to school day and legit shit like that. We had a bitchin' County Fair which may have been one of the best in the state. I mean Amish country had us beat but I don't think they had County Fairs.

The funny thing is that my mom and dad will fawn over bands like The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin and not acknowledge and not care that those bands stole from original blues artists.

I will acknowledge that a lot of big country music is certainly banal at its best but if I am truly honest I am still biased by these people and these areas that raised me. I would wager that I would love a trip to Nashville as long as I did not go with party poopers.

I am wearing a Nine Inch Nails shirt. It is over-sized and comfortable. My new favorite thing is to wear 2xl shirts and boxer briefs and nothing else at all times. Someday it might be accepted for me to wear this to Target with a non-leather bag or fanny pack.

Anyways, I have a lot of reverence for Trent Reznor. When he was running around Cleveland trying to sell his music in the late 80s he got literally zero warmth from anyone. Instead of quit he went back to his Moog Voyager and said fuck everyone I will do it myself. When Pretty Hate Machine was a smash he had everyone banging on his door for a touring gig. Jimmy Iovine got wind of Trent's talent and wanted to do business for the second album. Reznor flat out told Iovine give me a large pile of money upfront and you will get everything and more in return. Iovine agreed and Reznor created every aspect of his Magnum Opus: The Downward Spiral. That album inspired me to get a Moog Voyager synthesizer. Unfortunately, they are $7,000 new these days. But, what I forgot is that I had an electric guitar stocked away in the closet collecting dust. I don't have a Moog Voyager synthesizer but I do have a good enough electric guitar and a voice and an imagination to write songs. It's a little funny to me that I am now fixating on Jason Molina. Another rust belt baby like Reznor and myself. Where as Reznor almost overproduces NOISE and aggression, Molina's sound is stripped down and down and pure emotion. Reznor might take 1 week to get a drum sounding "perfect" and then the next drum and then the next drum to the point that no man alive could possibly play the ensemble. Molina spent 8 hours a day on song writing and it shows. It's not that Reznor does not have a voice it is just that Molina brings a poetic flare to perhaps his own genre of music like I could not imagine anyone touching his level of grace, style, and emotion. Molina is SLOW, Reznor is FAST and FASTER. Reznor has true rock star looks and presence, Molina appears somewhat frail, balding, with a uni-brow. I don't have $7,000 or Reznor's obsession. I can play a few chords and sing a song.