Into the Future

To be honest I don't really know the specifics of climate crisis. It is easy to see that there are limits to growth. I am sure there are many models out there that show one thing or another but I am not convinced there is any model that is not inherently missing some variable here or there to predict the future. Perhaps there are some scientists who can get pretty close. The problem is they are drowned out by right wing idiots and papers backed by Exxon. The alarmist liberals and left wingers more or less making shit up is probably not helping either.

This fantasy that I have of growing a massive crypto portfolio and buying land with access to water in Canada is simply that, a fantasy. What I really need to know is when are the super hurricanes and flooding going to ruin my parents' house? They are looking at upgrading to a new home when maybe it would be wiser to flee to somewhere up North. If not Canada, why not a Midwestern suburb near family?

The fossil fuels industry will destroy us all. There is not enough lithium. The cobalt is already a problem.

I got caught in a good vibe today driving around getting food. Burial came out with a new EP 2 days ago with Blackdown. It's what I would want to listen to in a small warehouse on good ecstasy with strange friends and friendly strangers. Burial would have preferred to be anonymous but the press leaked his identity because they are pieces of shit. Regardless, Burial does not make any public appearances including live shows. Which makes me think who would I want to go see live and take good ecstasy into the future?

- Nicolas Jaar
- Stimming
- DJ Koze

I don't know. This seroquel is starting to hit me heavy.

I don't think I have a problem with using good ecstasy for a special occasion now that I am not accountable to AA. It is a slippery slope for sure. I am also not that happy with psychiatrists or the institution of psychology. The only thing they ever do is just give me more and more medications. At this point I am on like supplemental medication for the supplemental medication for the higher doses of the "core" medication and still get shitty side effects. I see no end to this shit unless I do something about it but I don't know what to do and it seems like every doctor I come across is programmed a certain way. I have a native friend that told me my "mental illness" that people see as something bad or wrong with me would be attempted to be honed in his tribe's culture. I do believe that what I have can be honed to a certain extent. Who knows what is possible?

I don't believe there is anyway to "fix" me. Whether that is what the DSM-5 says about me, my addiction issues, emotional baggage, whatever. I can do my best to know myself and cultivate myself and generally meander about and I believe that is about it.

Do I think there is value to this blog for me?

Not really. It is simply copium. My first instinct was to write a long crazy rant to a supportive friend but I did not want to do that on a Sunday night when she has a long day of work tomorrow.

It's really not all that close that I should not be spending basically any time on this website. YouTube is closer. I am working towards setting up my life in a way that I come here very rarely if at all and just check up on YouTube every now and again. I know that I just said I don't believe that I can "fix" myself but there is a difference between trying to change some interconnected trauma versus finding other things to do than give large chunks of my attention to Alphabet Inc.

I don't know what is determined and what is free will in my life. I used to get asked to give 1 hour speeches to large groups of people about how I stopped drinking. There is a certain language that gets conditioned in everyone on how to go about things. Basically, parrot Bill Wilson and the speaker can't go wrong. To be honest, I have ideas on how I have been sober for as long as I have been but in reality I don't know. There is a lot I don't know about consciousness and existence.

I do know that I get tired and sleeping helps with that.
I do know that I get hungry and eating helps with that.
Then what?

then nothing

sleeping and eating might be enough


how long have u been sober? no cheats?

how do i pay for shelter and food?

I am thinking I either get disability which my general doctor advised me to try and get or I kill myself at this point.

I have been sober for a little less than 7.1111 years.

It's weird. Thinking back it doesn't feel like there were any close calls. First year was shaky as fuck though. I remember I said fuck it and went to Paris. I think I was probably panging for some French red wine with some of the meals but it wasn't really like that. Then I came back and went to work and wanted to kill myself really badly. In each scenario it was more like I was just very uncomfortable, depressed, empty, and/or in a doomer/the doomed mode. So, the years kind of all just blend together at this point and it's not like anyone wants me to go month to month. I think at certain points (including right now) if Jessa in Brooklyn would have called me up saying she had the purest molly in NYC, 2 tickets to Leon Vynehall, and to bring some viagra I don't know if I would say no.

So, I really don't know where it will come from or what grace keeps me clean and sober. I also do not know what will happen now that I am not accountable to AA anymore.

The thing is though even though I have not drank or used over the last 7.1111 years if there was assisted suicide available I am not sure I would still be in this dimension. I think many in AA would label me a "dry drunk" but the fact of the matter is I don't want what AA has to offer and I need more than what AA offers.

One thing interesting about me being in doomer mode is that my liver is messed up again. When I quit drinking my liver was super messed up but after time passed it regenerated to a normal level. No one knows what is wrong with it this time yet. I have an appointment with a special specialist next week. I was in the shower the other day wondering if I want inoperable cancer?

The suicidal ideations have been strong lately but I keep wondering how I would feel if my liver is full of inoperable cancer cells and I have 6 months to 18 months to live.

The other week I had the idea that I could be the next Fred Hampton then I avoided saying hi to my neighbors as I walked to my car.

You have 2 options.

1. Have sex with Loco and receive $1,000,000

2. Receive nothing.

Which do you choose?

On May 07 2021 14:33 hiems wrote: You have 2 options. 1. Have sex with Loco and receive $1,000,000 2. Receive nothing. Which do you choose?

this is like the twilight zone ep where the guy cuts his vocal cords out and the other guy is broke at the end of the bet

I'm New Here by Gil Scott Heron and Jamie XX came up on my Spotify algorithm today and it always reminds me of a different time. A time when I was new to Lillz, Indiana. An exciting time. A nervous time. I didn't know if I could make it in the big leagues professionally. I started crushing pretty quickly and probably thought pretty highly of myself in some regards and always felt shitty about myself in other regards. A lot of people told me I had to check out this one bar in the next town over. So, I go over there and I belly up to the bar and I am just taking everything in and the bartender who greets me resembles Scarlett Johanson but is more attractive. She is so attractive that my plan is just be fun and funny. I was doing pretty well at this time but it's not like I was some dominant Christian Grey character that could whisk a woman like this away and take her on a plane ride. I drove a used Chevy Equinox and lived in an ok apartment in Lillz, Indiana. My plan was to start hitting up this bar relatively consistently to get to know people but I was drinking with customers a lot so that plan didn't come to fruition. The next time I went though she remembered me and that made me feel good. There was some after party probably for a wedding of a group of "cool kids." I had the idea that I would buy the whole party Patron tequila shots so I did but then I decided to make it anonymous because I didn't actually want to go over there and talk to anyone. I typically always tip 25% so I think it ended up working out nicely that I was tipping the dude bartender the same on a big order as I tip the hot babes. The bartenders started giving me free drinks and we would take shots together. I set it up very well and it was a lot of fun but I was meeting people on multiple fronts. I remember telling myself that I had to stop ending up getting blasted with the bartenders and others and driving home but as I was accepted into different social spheres I was drinking and drinking and driving even more. It became a routine to drive home hammered on main roads, stop at Popeye's Chicken, order while slurring my words, get back in my car and drive home. I am lucky I never went to jail (yet).

I always wanted to pull the original bartender Sara aside and ask her why she is working in a piece of shit bar in a piece of shit town but I think the answer is that that is just what ended up happening. The fact that she didn't seem to care made me think that maybe I had a little bit of a chance with her. Who knows? It's crazy though. I was dating doctors, lawyers, and getting booty call text messages and in 2020 the most action I got was flirting with the cashier at McDonalds or drunk sorority chicks on my walk at the beach. There was no touch! Except for this one time the cashier at mcdonald's thumb touched my thumb when she handed me my credit card. I would bet that she is an immigrant from India, Pakistan, Bangledesh, or Sri Lanka. I have no idea how to decipher that and honestly she could be from Palestine, Syria, Iran, Yemen, Jordan... Who the fuck knows? I am happy that she is here and I hope she gets a better job(s) soon.

This all kind of ties in to that blog about getting a girlfriend. I still don't think that I will get a girlfriend but I guess it is not outside the realm of possibility. I remember when I was going through Tinder hell my age limits were 24-44. I am almost 40. 24 seems too fucking young. I realize that intellectually there is a chance with a 24 year old but I am not going to hold my breath. On the other end I realized that Halle Berry and Lisa Bonet are 53 and Monica Bellucci is 56. I mean these are 3 of the most beautiful women of a generation but it made me think that it is unwise to just close off the entire 45-55 population. So, what am I looking at today?

First of all, I saw a YouTube video the other day about a woman on some dating type of show where she stated that her type was "fat, bearded, tattooed loser." She was very attractive but covered in tattoos and seemed like she was some kind of doomer girl but I was like where are these women near me?

Also, Bobby Lee on a podcast was talking about how he's not on the main menu. He's not a special, he's not on the main menu but he's on the secret menu that some women love. I think I'm more inline with that. In the past maybe I was on the main menu but not anymore. I'm never going to be a top seller.

I am looking to expand in the cougar, MILF, and big beautiful women categories. This may hurt my chances with the top Tinder profiles but I don't have a shot at that anyways. I honestly still have the capability to go on a date with a beautiful 28 year old doctor and have good conversation, make them laugh, and have fun but she's typically going to want 2.5 kids, a white picket fence, and a swimming pool and that is just the start of the incompatibility. It's not like I have forgotten how to kiss, eat pussy, or get high. I just have to find the kind of women that we can split a thai hot red curry and get some mangos and sticky rice and just do whatever and not care that I am a loser by societal standards. I need to find my doomer girl...

I may have found my doomer girl! We are regs down at the beach walkers association. She always wears black yoga pants and a black sports bra. She's always charging off with a bottle of water in her hand. She is probably too attractive to be a doomer girl. She looks like SSSniperWolf. But, even when I am walking along all doomer virgin style thinking about killing myself I think about Dr. David Smail's 2nd Law:

"Everyone feels different inside (less confident, less able, etc.) from how they infer other people to feel."

So, every time she goes charging off it makes me think that she is running from something but maybe that is projection. When we walk past each other it is not like she has some goddess like gait staring aloofly at the horizon. I will never say hi to her while we are walking though. That is one of those I will say hi to her if I see her at the bar situations except I almost never go to bars anymore.

I feel like people say stuff to me more often than I would think it would happen. It is typically 3 things: My beard, some band t-shirt I'm wearing, or my tattoos. There is also a kind of drunk woman or group of women on vacation that almost transcend ice breakers. The other day there was a group of women that wouldn't stop flirting with me that I thought they were going to invite me back to their house for drinks. Back in the day I would have been excited to put on the charm and see what develops. It's a shame I don't really court serendipity or dive into the absurd adventure anymore. Anyways, positive interactions with people are a good sign and maybe a reason to not kill myself yet.

As far as icebreakers go nothing has ever surpassed when I would walk my beautiful golden retriever. That was fucking insane. My parents didn't want him anymore though so my sister has him. *sad face*

I go for a walk on the beach everyday. It is interesting as the beach has become much more populated. I realized I am seeing a large amount of women in almost nothing. From age 12 to say 22 I think almost all of the women I saw naked or close to it were Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models and strippers. That is ridiculous. Then I started having sex. Then I got bit by the PUA bug and I am going for only HB 9.5s and above or some stupid shit like that. Thankfully, I ditched PUA but even Seinfeld had a good take on that situation with George and him keeping that picture in his wallet which got him access to the beautés. The truth is that HB 9.5+ is a club and getting some good fucks in with 1 HB 9.5+ unlocks many of the others which will unlock many of the others. With that said, there is really no way for me to get access to women who are so attractive that they have access to whatever they want. My point is that all these walks that I am taking and all these women that I see are normalizing what normal people look like. I would be happy to date many of these women including the cellulite, stretch marks, bad tit jobs, no tits, all the shapes and sizes. I mean whatever dude. It doesn't go for everyone though. The other day there was this women in a bikini who was probably 500 lbs. To make matters worse she had this giant towel with "Liberty or Death" at the top, the snake in the middle and the "Don't Tread On Me" at the bottom. Not a fan but I get it. I am broke and fat. One of the few joys of my day is overeating cheap high calorie density foods. Sad but true. To get as big as 500+ lbs. is a sickness though.

Rikd you should buy one of these sex dolls.

I have never even had a fleshlight. I don't think I am against sex toys for men but it also seems like it might complicate things for no good reason. Do I really want to maintain a sex doll?

Actually having a sex doll and taking it seriously is entering a level of incel NEETdom I am not sure I am comfortable with.

I found out today that I have at least non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD). I am headed for another ultrasound to see if it is liver cancer or cirrhosis. I suppose it is also possible it could be hepatitis but that never came up in STD tests. I never shot heroin or anything like that. I suppose I'm cool with biopsies but as of right now I'm not really interested in liver transplants or if it's inoperable doing shit like chemo and radiation. I will just let myself die. Hopefully, with out too many bad symptoms. I think I read about fatigue, nausea, and pain... Lovely. I am afraid to kill myself and I am afraid to die in general so I guess we will see what happens. The only thing I can really do at this point is eat a better diet. I am also working on contacting angels (aliens?) and other dimensions but that is more speculative work.

On May 10 2021 21:34 RiKD wrote: Actually having a sex doll and taking it seriously is entering a level of incel NEETdom I am not sure I am comfortable with.

you're right make sure your sex doll understands it's just a casual fling

On May 11 2021 02:11 RiKD wrote: I found out today that I have at least non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD). I am headed for another ultrasound to see if it is liver cancer or cirrhosis. I suppose it is also possible it could be hepatitis but that never came up in STD tests. I never shot heroin or anything like that. I suppose I'm cool with biopsies but as of right now I'm not really interested in liver transplants or if it's inoperable doing shit like chemo and radiation. I will just let myself die. Hopefully, with out too many bad symptoms. I think I read about fatigue, nausea, and pain... Lovely. I am afraid to kill myself and I am afraid to die in general so I guess we will see what happens. The only thing I can really do at this point is eat a better diet. I am also working on contacting angels (aliens?) and other dimensions but that is more speculative work.

Edit : nvm

Is ESP possible in this dimension in our lifetimes?

Would it be a Professor X situation, a Big Brother from 1984 situation, or maybe a subtle, undetectable angel or alien situation?

Do angels exist?

Not in the form of some blonde lady with blue eyes in a long, white robe with a halo and angel wings but maybe someone that can travel between dimensions or a Himmel über Berlin situation. Do people embody the spirit of an angel when they are benevolently guiding someone through life at some point in life?

In infinite infinities other entities must exist. What if the octopus or the dolphin are actually already more intelligent in their habitats than us? Will there be contact with extraterrestrials or is there already subtle contact our senses cannot detect?

Anybody have the details on the simulation?

My Truman Show boat has hit the wall but I don't have all of the knowledge. I am doing my best to swerve through the mosquitos and false information but I need your help.

At the very least it is more fun to attempt to discuss some of this stuff than think about falling in love, killing myself, or dying in the next 2 years from liver cancer or a car accident or whatever. I might not make it to 40 bruvs! We'll see how I'm feelin' on 4/4/22. We gotta' make this time count.

Octopus Teacher on Netflix is fire

what if intelligence and adaptedness are not synonyms

Would Jesus kill a cockroach?

From my readings the Buddha would not kill a cockroach.

I don't really know anything about Judaism or Islam. Apparently it is ok for zionists to commit genocide though.

I read part of the Bhagavad Gita a while ago. A wise elephant god with 4 arms is kinda krunk.

Why did the cockroach have to crawl all over my foot?

It had the whole house to crawl around in.

Buddhists wouldn't kill anything afaik. Jesus's dad was slaughtering people like the are cockroaches and Jesus is technically his own dad so you tell me

I always thought the part of the story where a virgin is giving birth was kind of weird. I mean it is god so I guess anything goes. I like the character of Jesus though. I even love the part where Jesus realizes what is going to happen to him and he is overwhelmed and goes down to his knees to pray "Thy will be done" and moves along. I have mostly been a No God, No Masters type even to the point that I was considering getting Russian prison tattoos of stars on my knees meaning I don't hit my knees for anyone. There is something to the delusion of "Fear in god means fear in nothing else" or "Thy will be done" being a nice mantra as if we can give our will up to some benevolent entity and everything will turn out ok including being accepted in some form of extraterrestrial paradise.

On a completely different note, the other day I had a dream where Riley Reid and myself were in a relationship but we broke up amicably. In real life, I game with a group of family and friends and it is the most fun that I have had in Covid. In the dream, Riley was cuttin' up and part of the gang and it felt so real and normal. She was friends with my sisters. It was like some 2021 Seinfeld and Elaine shit.

A lot of crazy shit has been happening in my life recently. It is difficult to digest it all. My GI doctor wanted me to get a better ultrasound on my liver. So, I went downtown to get it done. They wanted almost $2,222 up front. I said no. They kept doing everything in their power to negotiate so that I would stay and get the ultrasound including putting it on my tab with financial aid. I told them that I apologize for cancelling my appointment last minute but I can't afford it and walked out. So, it leaves me in a strange place. If I just have fatty tissue and scarring and whatever else terminology the doctors use what does that mean?

Cirrhosis I have 10 years?
Liver cancer I have less than 5 years?
Getting a new liver buys me some time if it goes well?

When does the fatigue, nausea, and pain kick in and how bad is it?

If I can't afford a fucking ultrasound then how in the hell am I going to afford a liver transplant?

I woke up this morning feelin' like maybe I do want to live past 55. Not sure if I am going to make it there. Facing death in a more real way does bring more appreciation and joy for life. Valar morghulis.

On May 20 2021 05:49 RiKD wrote: Would Jesus kill a cockroach? From my readings the Buddha would not kill a cockroach. I don't really know anything about Judaism or Islam. Apparently it is ok for zionists to commit genocide though. I read part of the Bhagavad Gita a while ago. A wise elephant god with 4 arms is kinda krunk. Why did the cockroach have to crawl all over my foot? It had the whole house to crawl around in.

Your foot is included in the house so the cockroach can't say he crawled in the whole house until he's crawled on your foot

Confucius.jpg

2222$ up front as in this isn't going to be the total cost ? LMAO

On May 20 2021 05:49 RiKD wrote: Would Jesus kill a cockroach? From my readings the Buddha would not kill a cockroach. I don't really know anything about Judaism or Islam. Apparently it is ok for zionists to commit genocide though. I read part of the Bhagavad Gita a while ago. A wise elephant god with 4 arms is kinda krunk. Why did the cockroach have to crawl all over my foot? It had the whole house to crawl around in.

killing is part of the nature, you define yourself as a person inside this bag of skin, but theres billions of forms of life inside your body killing each other all the time so that you are you, you are not only the person inside the bag of skin, as one cell killing another cell in your body isn't only a cell, it's part of you, as you are part of the nature, you grew from the Earth so you are to the Earth as a cell is to your body

Zen Buddhism and Taoism say that you should follow and be in tune with the nature of the world, from my understanding they say killing a cockroach, a human being, or any other form of life is fine.

you can cure your NAFLD with ketogenic diet and fasting
there's a famous bodybuilder in my city who had NAFLD and cured in 6 months, also have a friend who was just diagnosed with NAFLD too



there's a lot of cientific backing for this and it's not coming from those Ketogenic maniacs who try to sell their diet as the perfect diet, which is not obviously, same for fasting

what the fuck $2,222 for an ultrasound? its either free here (you gotta wait few months in state care) or you pay $100 at private health care centers for that. Jesus.

anyway, at any cost, just get yourself checked. Health is the only thing that is priceless. I assume they know this too... Can't your parents help you out? Or look for a cheaper clinic

So, I went on my daily walk this morning. It was hot as fuck with only about a less than 5 knot breeze so I freed up the belly for the first time this year. I gained quite a bit of fat in 2020. Between developing bad eating habits mixed with changing to a weight gaining medication it was not pretty. I changed psychiatrists and I just recently changed to a new medication so we will see how that goes. It will be frustrating if it works and I can't afford it (new doc gave me a month's worth of samples for free). There was a time when I found negotiating fun but those days are over. Although more recently I have been so frustrated with certain things and pissed off enough to not take any shit. The thing is negotiations are never ending. I am far too lazy and apathetic to be on the ball never endingly.

Anyways, I am on the beach with my belly out. Lotsa concha linda en la playa hoy. I am walking for a bit and there is this women with an amazing tattoo covering her entire thigh and running up her hip and oblique up to her ribs. She also has an incredible shape and hair and was putting her hair into a bun with the sun illuminating it all brilliantly. I was hypnotizéd by the estétique. In a trance I could not look away. Then I looked down to the sand and went into deep thought about a song about a women putting her hair into a bun... "You know it when you see it, That good shit." ... Capital Cities – Farrah Fawcett Hair ... Yes! Then my Metal Gear Solid spidey sense went off and there was movement in my peripheral. I look up... It is her. I am confused why she almost crashed into me when it is super low tide and there is open sand everywhere. She looks at me. I look at her. The only thing I can think of to say is "What are you doing?" which I think is a stupid thing to say and I don't like bothering women not at a social venue so I just calmly walk away and never look back. L'esprit des l'escalier = The beach is kind of a grey area in regards to social venue. It is one thing to run around bothering women who are tanning with PUA routines but why did the woman with the tattoo cross paths with about a half football field of space? It could just be coincidence but I think I should have told her that I like her tattoo and see what happens.

I am hoping I can actually get into some music tech and mix some sets and see what happens. I know some djs but do not know how much that will help. The biggest thing is that I adore music but have never actually loved getting involved with technology. It is the same with making music. When I have access to my sister's music studio where everything is already set up I get lost in the music and create some fun stuff.

I would also like to apprentice with James Turrell but I don't think he does things like that.

Besides that I am pretty worthless especially to trans-national corporations. Especially to trans-national corporations because my goal is to subvert them.

At some point I will be forced to negotiate when I don't want to but must. The suicidal ideations will probably flare up wickedly. Basically, if people are telling me I have to slave away for wages at an establishment I wish to subvert. I honestly think I am too much of a coward to kill myself but if I get depressed enough it is not off the table. I am too lazy and apathetic with suicide too. There is a book that I am aware of that probably explains exactly how to do it with gas but I wonder if that is how I would do it. I recently read about Isabella Blow's death. She ended up taking parquat but it sounded like she didn't take enough. It took like 30 hours. Even if one were to go for it heavy with the parquat I still think it takes a few hours to die. I have been feelin' pretty good the last couple of weeks. The fact that the chances of me having liver cirrhosis or liver cancer are much higher than I imagined in 2020 I think has had a more intense effect on living life with authenticity than simply strolling through a cemetery.

Lento pero avanzo.

Running out the clock, running out the clock. You may think of this in negative terms but we are all running out the clock. Rotting away. Jeff Bozos and Elon Musk are rotting away more or less just as fast as anyone else. Perhaps not if they are making large donations to SENs and other institutions but we have to sleep at some point and we have to die at some point. Maybe the best we can hope for is some measure of transcendence and some measure of peace.

I found myself listening to some music on YouTube which I don't particularly like to do but Beyoncé – Get Me Bodied came on and I hadn't heard the song and was curious if niggas was in da club getting erections grinding on fat booties. By the way, if I ever create an R&B record it will be N*ggas In Da Club Getting Erections Grinding On Fat Booties. So, the music video is swell but no one is getting bodied. There is a line about walking like Naomi Campbell and I was like does Naomi walk that fierce or something? So, I had to check and yes she does walk that fierce. Naomi looks great in clothes, has a fucking fierce walk, and she is exceptionally photogenic. Great. In this world that brings untold fortunes and access to just about anything within the realms of Earth and science. Oh, wait, she treats subordinates like dog shit and accepts blood diamonds from ex-Liberian president war criminal Charles Taylor?

There is also this nameless Saudi billionaire who as far as I can tell had $1 billion usd in a checking account at birth. Who knows how many billions he actually has. The main front seems to be that somehow his father's company controls all of the distribution for Toyota vehicles in Saudi Arabia. It just seems like insane oligarch shit and maybe I will investigate further some day but in reality it doesn't really matter and there are probably countless amounts of these stories in Saudi Arabia. What interested me was how many people have billions of dollars and good looks at 25? That is a crazy life. But, I also never understood all the right-libertarians and "anarcho"-capitalists who are all about rolling a dice for that life when the median outcome is hellacious. It's mostly people who got lucky with the roll of a die in their current existence and want to attribute everything to grit and shrewdness. Then there is the cult of prosperity gospel that gets mixed in and then there are also just unfortunate sheep who have no way of knowing any better.

I like Raf Simons. Raf Simons has a signature custom bomber jacket that sells for $50,000. I could go down to the Army Surplus store tomorrow and buy a camo bomber jacket for probably $50 and put in some extra time and effort to make some modifications that the differences would not be distinguishable from a photograph. I would bet virtually no one would care even if I had the real mccoy and walked down High Falutin Street during peak traffic hours. High fashion is alluring for me but it is such fucking bullshit. Every show is packed with furs and leathers. It is standard that anything else would be "cheap" and for the crazy, euro fashion gays that run the world to be dead is better than to be "cheap." It's always these impossibly tall and skinny models just to fuck with women everywhere. Probably even more popular these days are 6 ft.+ androgynous persons that look like fucking Final Fantasy characters. How the fuck is a median woman supposed to look like that? Well, fucking Conde Naste Traveler is more than happy to take your money and "help" with how to live the Good Life.

It's like I am sitting here watching an Alexander McQueen show to escape and it's working but then later I am feeling hopeless about vulnerable Palestinians getting desecrated and then later bombed excessively per usual. I mean we are all running the clock out. I just wish there was someway to help. I am probably the most isolated I have ever been in my life and that can't be a good thing. Yeah, sure, Marc Jacobs designing for the S/S '93 Perry Ellis show has a way of effecting my estétique sensibilité... I mean I could literally watch just about any show from any designer from any season on YouTube but is that seriously how I want to spend my time in this dimension? Do I want to doomscroll Palestinian woes for 4 hours? Or, be locked in to the doomscroll of whatever woe is the flavor of the minute? It's madness.

As much as I love the beach it's getting too fucking hot out here in these streets. I have no where to go.

Did you know the median income in the Congo is 35 euros per month?

Contemplate that for a while. Especially, if you are adamant that you would dice roll into this world no problem (no replay).

I came across a song today that brought me back to a time when I was taking care of a friend's house and 2 maine coon cats. Those cats were amazing! Super smart and kind and goofy as hell. The house was tucked into the forest and absolutely beautiful. Do you know how fun it is to feed deer and watch them all gracefully sweep in for supper around dusk? My friend lived in China for many years and had collected many wonderful sculptures and pieces. People are insane to say that the Chinese do not have a rich culture. Yeah, they may ambush you and cut in line and spit in napkins and all over the floor and shit in a hole in the ground without toilet paper and don't debone their chicken for meals and have some sort of bizzaro, dystopian version of marxism and crony-capitalism and many other things. I think the biggest thing the west doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand is shanzhai culture. I don't know if I want a shanzhai'd Starry Night (Van Gogh) but I also don't know if I could tell the difference. I think that I would surely want an open-sourced, peer reviewed iPhone that is better and cheaper than Apple's version. Many people in the west just seem to want to jump at the chance to demonize billions of people because authorities lead them there.

My friend also had some Rothko prints which is what inspired me to paint again years ago now. I remember one day I listened to an AURORA – Running with the Wolves (Pablo Nouvelle Remix) on repeat for 8 hours working on 4 paintings at a time and designing clothing. I was in the most pristine paradise for most of the day... Until I wasn't. By the end of it I was over-caffeinated, uncomfortably manic, and felt that I may be trapped in this "paradise" that had turned on me with sharp teeth.

I remember maybe the highest I've been was timing the right dosages of the right drugs for out of this world raves. These things are not what I should be grasping for. Even though I typically tolerated hangovers and lack of brain chemicals well the next day that sort of thing is just not sustainable.

Why am I so wild and discontent?

I was not raised by wolves. My parents are reasonable people. My dad was always away manipulating people for money. He had a temper. He could get LOUD. I had a good education growing up. My high school was very good. My university was very good. I am medicated to the gills. I don't drink or do drugs but I am still wild as fuck and discontent.

As I was leaving the beach today I noticed a woman get out of a red convertible corvette. I was blasting Needed Me by Rihanna as loud as it would go. I would say it is a great example of an anthem for savage women. On cue, she has that walk and hears the music and we look at each other knowingly before she moves on to her business at the beach and I exit to go home. She had a Shape. She could definitely walk the runway but you don't find Shapes like that there. Not even in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. You only find that kind of Shape in strip clubs, good porn, and also occasionally in real life. I don't really know why she was wearing suede chelsea boots to the beach though.

Speaking of Rihanna... I have a weird relationship to Rihanna. Sometimes she is a muse and some times she is a fantasy. One time when I was extremely manic I thought she was in love with me. I was like, "Mane! Lemme just get one date! How the hell am I going to contact her?!" I was scrolling through pornography today and one of the male black actors had a pretty huge penis. For some reason I remembered a picture I had seen of Chris Brown where he probably had a 12'' non-erect penis hanging. I mean maybe he chubbed up before the picture but still that is a huge penis. I remember when I was in high school and I would tamper with the measuring of my penis so I could rationalize that I had a thick 7'' penis. I don't have a thick 7'' penis. What I am getting at is IF Rihanna WAS interested in a date with me which is a BIG IF could she accept my erect penis that is half the size of Chris Brown's hanging penis? I mean I would attend to her neck, her back, her pussy, and her crack with the best of them but you have to imagine over the course of a multi-year relationship Chris Brown should have gotten to know Rihanna's clitoris pretty well. Of course, he literally physically assaulted her but then they got back together so who knows. Whatever dude, I would wet my beard in that vagina any day.

Now, that it is summer time and the cars are out and about and I fell in love again with Red Hot Car by Squarepusher I have been thinking about cars. To simplify it, I think buying a 2021 Bright Red Chevy Convertible Corvette with the right sexy mods at say $88,888 is incredible value for where I live. If I had $10 million I would probably get an upgraded 2020 Rossa Corsa Ferrari F8 Spider for say $333,333. I think I would choose these cars over a Bugatti even if I had $1 billion usd. I know I am keeping this pretty simple but I do think that around $88,888 is the start of where we can actually start talking about hot cars. Everything below to a certain point are whatever cars and below that are shit cars. If I am driving down the main road to go to the beach at around 5pm the entire main road which is say 5 miles is gridlocked traffic. Basically, 100% of the cars that I see are whatever cars. Some are nicer cars that are probably going home to the gated communities and some are not as nice but there are virtually 0 shitty cars and 0 hot cars. It's funny that when I shared a look with the likely savage woman I didn't care if the guy in the corvette was her boyfriend. It was aging and the red was a shit red. It qualifies as a whatever car in my books which really barely has an advantage over my 2011 Toyota RAV4. The advantage is that with a convertible when the top comes off the tops come off and that the smell of my car is trending towards sweat, body odor, and Taco Bell. If that trend worsens unfortunately my car would find itself squarely in the shit car category which does not turn most people on.

Maybe an interesting addendum to all of this is an anecdote about my brother's car. He got a 2019 Honda Civic Si brand new. My brother-in-law works for Honda so my brother got the car for cost with zero bullshit or negotiations. This car is fucking bad ass. I remember one of RaiNKhaN's jokes that I enjoyed was that if he hit a big score in a tournament he was just going to buy a bunch of used Honda Civics and crash them in a wall or something like that. It seemed to me that Honda Civics always had a bad reputation. You get these people trying to drive the car like efficient robots so they can get to 300,000+ miles or whatever. My brother's Honda Civic is bad ass. It has comfortable seats, great speaker system, and it even has a sport mode that is not lame. It's not just not lame it's fucking fun. I don't think it can make it into the hot car category but it is possible to be a whatever car with some footnotes. I also like the Tesla Model S.

Actually, I take that back. If I had $1 billion usd I would max out a mclaren p1 gtr and take it to the limit on the track. I would also park in front of the hottest club in the city around the time of last call and just sit there whistling to myself. I've seen that strategy work with porsche 911s among other far lesser cars.

I wouldn't even convert the mclaren p1 gtr to street legal. Fuck it. Fuck you. What are they going to do give me a ticket? Fine me? The mclaren would be for when I want to get real crazy and my everyday car would be a rossa corsa laferrari. I would have sex with that car.

I don't actually think I am a textbook dry drunk but I am some version of dry drunk. I prefer this version of dry drunk to being an active member in Alcoholics Anonymous. I do want to parachute pure molly with a fun group of people and go to a rave. I do want to take edibles with my family on vacation this summer. I do want to take shrooms. I do want to smoke DMT. I would take pain pills if I was in pain. I have xanax in my medicine cabinet but it's probably expired at this point. There is no sponsor to talk to. There is no therapist to talk to. I don't know which drug might set me off. Psychiatrists have unanimously told me not to do psychedelics but I am losing patience with psychiatrists. If I completely go rogue and stop taking my medications, start drinking and doing drugs I would say the chances that I end up in the psych ward, prison, or dead are strikingly high. I could say something like, "Well, I just have to avoid shooting heroin and/or killing myself" but that is a dangerous mindset. Potentially, anything could set me off. Even a normal dose of a good edible with family and who knows what could happen?

I am almost thinking of getting a therapist again to just unload the crazy that I am carrying on my shoulders. Since getting out of the psych ward in February I have had basically no manic symptoms but it is as if my perception of reality has changed and it is never going back. I have the control of certain manic powers but they don't amplify in bad ways. By some definitions I have probably been psychotic every hour of every day but it just becomes the new normal. Nothing I am experiencing would warrant a trip to the psych ward or increased anti-psychotics. There is still a scientific method involved. All I would want out of a therapist would be to offer comfort and support. A "friend." Any clarifications that are not based in what the systems of society can do to a atomized individual should just not be brought up. In my current situation, I would have to drive 1 hour to an office and pay $30 for an hour session. I think I can go video sessions after the 1st session. I don't want to have anything to do with cognitive behavioral therapy or anything like that. No paperwork or homework. Just pretend to be my friend that we get tea together every other week or whatever.

I feel like I am getting close to a breakthrough in regards to lighting, colors, numbers, music, symbolism, archetypes, ... it's all interwoven. I feel like I need the help of James Turrell, Monet, Matisse, a genius photographer, Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell, autists gifted in each field, people with different kinds of synesthesia, Da Vinci, really probably quite a lot of people. There is a lot we could do aesthetically to improve peoples' lives and honestly probably a lot of the work is already done or in progress. Think of the power of the $100 usd bill. Benjamin Franklin will never blink. That is a losing negotiation. It is an example of aesthetics gone wrong. Dark arts in the hands of the powerful.

Obviously, some poor Palestinian family in Gaza would prefer clean water, a dignified income, and not having to worry about being bombed as they are trying to get some sleep among certainly many other things but what if they had inspiring schools and libraries? What if they did not live under the gaze of a murderous panopticon? What if they could be safe in their homes and customize the estétique of their living space? I am not talking about putting bourgeois shopping centers into Gaza that the Israelis would then just bomb to rubble 1 week after the Grand Opening. Actually, some of my ideas are just not really meant for Gaza, the Congo, etc. We should probably bring up the quality of life in some of these areas before caring about customizable lighting and access to digital music and sound in a living space...

Fuck it Dude... I know that I know nothing.

Quick Ni**a Debate:

There are 2 black people that I could say ni**a or nukka or whatever (obv not hard r with entire diaphragm) and get a pass + feel comfortable. I still would never seriously say something like "What's up ni**a?" I think I can locate where it became not a big deal. I brought my friend T to my hometown and we were at the mall shopping for sunglasses. The saleswoman was this old, white, uptight, bourgeois character. She was telling my friend about all the deals and my friend started dancing and yelled, "I THINK I WILL NUKKA!!!" and she got all flustered and it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen including the awkwardness involved when he bought a couple of pairs under one of the deals and then they had to go through the banalities of the purchase after such an amazing serendipity. T also thought it was hilarious to get white people to say "the n word" and then make fun of them for saying it like a southern klan member or a tentative little square or whatever he decided to improv. Damn, man, I love T.

These days I've barely met any black people outside of sharing shitty food and bev jobs. It feels like things are just more segregated down here. If I am in my bedroom or in my car by myself listening to music I have no problem rapping, singing, or ad-libbing ni**a. I do not even think to turn my music down or stop dancing if I see black people but I will refrain from yelling ni**a if they are in the next car or walking by the car.

What are your thoughts on this situation?

I never paid any attention to TikTok until the other day I was minding my own business picking up some limes for avocado toast and these 4 kids just started dancing right in the middle of produce with another kid recording it on a $1,000+ usd cellular device. This shit is insane. Charli D'amelio creates a simple dance called Renegade and now makes $5+ milly usd per year. I'm not going to rip on these kids because I had the poker gold rush and if I was their age I'd be doing the same things. Especially since I am good at dancing, good at improv/sketch comedy, etc. I am a millennial sitting here eating my avocado toast wishing I was 16.

It got me thinking though. For anyone that has seen The OA the movements seem like they are screaming out as a precursor to TikTok dances. If you put those dances to a poppy trap beat it's a mother fucking smash. $10 milly usd per year potential. I would just live in a mansion up in the mountains of Pasadena and only leave to buy the best cali weed money can buy and to go to Korea-town at odd hours to eat Korean bbq and just sit in my 12 person hot tub by myself overlooking the city and laugh at the hype house. But, seriously, I am still heart broken that they cancelled The OA. I immediately dove right into one of the best tv shows of all time which I will not reveal because I am only about 77% of the way through and I am paranoid someone will spoil it. With The OA the groundwork and setup to season 3 was pretty fucking nuts but I think they could have pulled it off. Not letting them create 5 seasons is not fun. I saw haralabob felt the same and tweeted @ britmarling that he was willing to get a gofundme or something similar going. I haven't checked for updates.

I like it raw and creampie style but I never mind wearing a condom. I have known too many women that have gotten pregnant while on birth control. If they really want my honest opinion I would tell them to kill that clump of cells while they still can. But, really, they should do whatever they think is right. And, I've never truly been in love with a woman in that situation so I don't think I know what I would actually do in that moment. Blowjob finish with swallow and keeping my penis wet and warm for a little bit is not too shabby. If a women wants to spit or doesn't like me finishing in her mouth then just don't do it. I guess then comes like shooting into her tiddies or the swell of her back but I don't actually give a shit about that. It's better than shooting off into the shower after masturbation. You know, maybe sometimes I'm really looking for a good wank but at the same time if Megan Thee Stallion was on my bed wet, flushed up, and signaling me to come hither with all of her essence I don't think I am ever declining that to instead jerk off in the shower by myself.

Into The Future

What the fuck is that last post?

I guess I am being honest at least.

It feels like the expression bender I have been on recently is winding down. I feel tired. It is always possible that I am ramping up still and wake up in 4 hours miserable and manic as fuck to do it all over again...

I mostly painted for the last 2 or 3 days with walks and flower arrangements and clothing design. Pretty light on the clothing design. I am making a better version of an $80 sweatshirt for $20 + minor time/effort...

This feels like really cheap expression in comparison. I suppose it is expression. An expression that has the tendency to trap. I don't really feel like Kafka attempting to escape the nightmares of the night. I am certainly not Kafka. I don't know what I am doing...

It all started with some fucking TikTok video released by Grimes about communism and ai. I don't even really want to think about it but the only rationalization I can think of for a positive take at least in political terms is that it started a discourse. My take is that she spends too much time with Elon Musk and they are going to automate everything and might as well just send everyone to prisons and gulags. But... something happened. Grimes is wobbling all over the place with all these eye liner designs all over her face and Berserk Manga Art in the background. Something happened. I get obsessed with So Heavy I Fell Through the Earth – Art Mix and 4ÆM. I get into the Miss Anthropocene (Rave Edition). I find some Mix she made for the Cyberpunk video game. One minute I am driving home from the beach listening to Primus the next thing I know I am painting every canvas in the house for 2 days to 100% Grimes. Literally 100%. 100% Grimes, Berserk Manga, summertime in full bloom, Jean Paul Gaulthier Le Male (even though Dolce & Gabbana is a better morning summer scent and YSL La Nuit etc. is better summer night scent), anyways, blah blah blah... I am pretty sure colognes are not vegan but I bought them all a while ago when I had money and was convinced I needed to buy colognes. They have not gone bad and still smell quite nice so it's not like I am going to throw them out although I probably should have given them away to people who wear cologne ages ago...

My bills are due tomorrow that I probably can't pay. That is the frog to swallow. I am not sure if it's a big deal. If I can't pay then I don't pay. What I should have done in March was sign up for disability and negotiated selling all my stocks when Michael Burry stated his bearishness. I have been bearish on stocks in fiat for a long ass time but I am just too lazy to negotiate the situation. I have always been good at selling ideas but as far as discipline and follow-through go especially in regards to negotiations it's not so good. I am much better at kicking the can down the road...

I feel like my health provider XXXX is attempting to take care of me. I owe them $XX,XXX usd so they should be caring a lot that I don't kill myself or die of liver cancer. They seem to be attempting to take care of me by signing me up for as much stuff as possible and charging me as much as possible for that stuff...

Sometimes I know or at least I think I know but actually when I know I don't seem to think... But, when I know there is a thought and thinking. I am thinking of a thought or about a thought...

The Good Life requires thought. Contemplation. Life on life support is life but not The Good Life...

The only reason for my existence is to Fuck Up The World (unfuck the world). Anything else and I might as well kill myself. Maybe not right now because I have a good feelin' and actually risking ones' life for a cause is scary as fuck. You think I want to be gunned down in my home like Fred Hampton? Take a trip to an undisclosed location for outsourced Guantanamo Bay tactics? I think I would rather a pig empty a clip into my torso...

GOOOONS! What's a goon to a GOBLIN? What's a GOBLIN to a DoLPHiN?

Dune or LOTR?

I realize the answer is probably both but there is only finite time on this Earth especially for me. If I don't prioritize I might run out of time.

I read Hobbit relatively young and really liked it but then was intimidated by the Trilogy and just flat out was not very bookish in my adolescence.

The only thing I know about Dune is that David Lynch worked on a version of it for film and then apparently the suits stepped in so it is sadly probably horrible. The reason I never saw it as a Lynch fanatic are:

1 – I like to read the book first
2 – How the fuck am I going to go Eraserhead, Elephant Man, Shit movie by a guy I love? It would be heart-breaking and a waste of time.

I think that once I finish this Graeber it will be Dune or LOTR?

Moxie Marlinspike is blackberries,
Clair Boucher is raspberries,
I am blueberries,

Who is strawberries?

Byung-Chul Han would tell me to stop typing. Certainly, to stop typing so fast and so much so fast and more and more and more. I am just trying to chill a little bit and listen to a new playlist.

I started hand-sewing a garment I am creating today to learn how to do it. It will take time. I can not wait to exclaim, "It is Alive!" and wear it somewhere that it is appropriate to wear it. It is my Dr. Frankenstein's Monster.

Moxie Marlinspike says we do not have to worry about AI because automated soap dispensers are not good. I have an automated soap dispenser that is basically perfect every time....

Clair Boucher has a flair for really getting that digital kick drum to kick. Merci beaucoup muchimas gracias but I was thinking today that it does not get me high like LIVE [ enter genius drummer here] murdering. Genius drumming is 0% for me at this point but I can still get a snare to hit in my favorite software. For Burial's album Untrue he used PS2 sound effects for percussion. Justice made their first album Cross entirely in Garage Band. Their are a lot of options. Studio in my cave x lab upstairs isn't bad but I wish I had some space in my friends warehouse and also access to my sister's music studio.

Who is strawberries?

I am serious about this.

Who is strawberries?

It is not a rhetorical question.

¿ Who … is … strawberries ?

Strawberries is Chinese but who?

On first glance, China produces the most strawberries but from further research it appears that Turkey is wild for wild strawberries and has a Love that may surpass all. I am looking for a wild male, female, enby that gorges on wild strawberries on the regular. This may be the strawberries that I am looking for. These are just initial leads. I would imagine good strawberries and good people that eat good strawberries are across the globe. Maybe a Han Chinese, Untouchable Indian, Black enby would be great for identity politics but this is not about identity politics. This • • • is • • • about • • •

You can call it fuck up the world or unfuck the world or change the world. I obviously can not accomplish anything by myself.

"There is no such thing as society."

Did you know that if The Beatles would have been on the come up under Thatcher's regime in the '80s there probably would be no such thing as The Beatles?

Hand-sewing garments is work. So is hand-picking blueberries. I cooked up a serious blueberry jam when I got home though. 1t

I'm on a vibe. When the clock strikes midnight bust out the Tribe. Tribe = Tribe Called Quest. I learned this from Pharrell and Kanye. You may not like Pharrell or Kanye but they are right. Tribe at night is a vibe. It is the right frequency for a lonely loner like myself or a house full of Bonita Applebums. Fuck n***as, I'm on some Eddie Murphy or Prince shit.

I need help. Help me ....

I need the Tribe. I've been amped up on some mania for a minute now. I was so tired last night and actually crashed at 8:44pm right at sun down which is great. I thought maybe I can tone it down a bit. Then I wake up at 1:11am .... I'm not super amped up at the moment but I thought the same thing yesterday morning and then my brain experienced a certain tightness + almost a tingling sensation and then I was hallucinating colors on the way to the beach to watch the sunrise. Lots of purples and lavenders and silvers and white flashes. It went really well with the darkness, street-lights, and head-lights. It was cloudy so the sun-rise was not great but the sky was pink and brilliant. Then on the way back I encountered the most vivid double rainbow I've ever seen in my life. The lighting was perfect. It was so lucid I thought I might be hallucinating that too but I'm pretty sure it was a part of this reality. If I was hallucinating it... it's still part of my reality? The simulation has been trippy recently. Fuck, the simulation has been trippy my whole damn life.


Over the last 2.2 days or so I have been making some pretty fierce playlists. My curation is a punto but I do not know how to get the next level of "DJ Mix." Anyone have personal experience with mixing software?

I need something noob friendly. Figuring out technology is not an inclination of mine.

I don't presume that I should be re-mixing Trent Reznor, Kanye West, Grimes, Axwell, Caribou, Stimming, et al but I know that I should be editing and mixing my own "DJ Mix" so yes I will fucking remix Trent Reznor, Kanye West, Grimes, Axwell, Caribou, Stimming, et al to my taste. I just fucked two bitches before coming over, we are going to fuck at my tempo.

I couldn't sleep so I drove around the city listening to some of my playlists. I was way off. The curation was shit and there is no chance that I could make any of the songs better or more interesting.

In other news, a giant ass bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, handfuls of blueberries hand-picked yesterday, and Oatley's oat milk is a fucking vibe. I am not talking about eating that every morning for breakfast. I am talking about keeping a giant box of cinnamon toast crunch on hand for the times that is exactly what you want to eat.

I have been listening to a shit ton of NIN recently. Closer has a way of reminding me of Lana. I got obsessed with sodomizing her on the altar of a church we used to have an AA meeting in. I was a respected member of the group and had a key to the church. I fucked up a lot of things in relation to Lana. I don't want to run through them all now. I did tell her my fantasy of sodomy on the altar of the church to a modified playlist of Closer to God. She told me you can't just drop that onto someone especially because she was not wet and we never had sex. Play my cards right and elevate things properly and it's not 0%. The timing was just never right and I was botching things at every opportunity.

Anyways, in February of this year I realized how silly it was that I still kept the key to the church in my winter peacoat so I threw it away. It felt like I let go a lot of the emotional baggage but maybe not since Closer had become this song that evoked more and more memories when I would listen to it. When I would express myself and sing the song it was even as if I was still singing it to Lana. It is interesting how memories work.

I don't think it's bad like it used to be though. I think of plenty of women I would like to have some fuck seshes to Closer to God (resculpted) with that don't involve sodomy on a church altar. Ha, my new fantasy that I thought was a hilarious scenario was that I was going to seduce Grimes and make Elon Musk a cuck but then we would play DDR after and talk out my beefs with him. Now, that I am less manic I just look at Grimes as a sexy compadre (raspberries) on Team Berry ? . Now, if things got heated between team members like they tend to do on comic book teams on occasion then yes, we would parachute pure molly, share a joint of the finest Cali weed that Elon's money can buy, and fuck to Miss Anthropocene (resculpted). Like I said, afterwards I would make a bet with Elon that if I beat him on Darude – Sandstorm he can never take part in a coup of Bolivia for Lithium. In my prime I used to be capable of A+++ on Darude – Sandstorm so I would guess Elon is drawing dead but maybe DDR is one of his autistic powers.

I can say one of my crushes atm. Angelina Jolie in the movie Hackers. I think I have had that crush since I was 12. There are some Twitch e-girls that I am diggin' but don't feel at liberty to share. I don't even go on Twitch anymore. It was a novelty for a while but after the last Psych Ward re-boot I haven't been on besides maybe 1 or 2 times to see if anything changed. Nothing changed. I can say that I adore Grimes as an artist because I understand her and she would understand me I'm sure. That's what they always say. I don't have any crushes IRL because I am insanely isolated and have been for a long time. And, I have been manic for a minute now. I suppose I have learned to cope in my own ways. It's blitzkrieg expression on all fronts. Including this blog. Which I am never all that thrilled about but sometimes you have to just listen to some NIN and fire off to run out the clock.

Well, Lana, if you are reading this.... I'm still down to fuck you in the ass on the altar of a church to Closer to God (resculpted). We could also grab some coffee somewhere and talk. I would enjoy either option or both options.

Sometimes it feels like the more I chatter about something the more it has the chance to take ahold of me again. I need to find my self in a local goth me x f x f ménage. There is that film The Shape of Water by Guillermo del Toro which I adore and I adore del Toro as an artist as well. I know nothing about him personally. Anyways, I like the gay friend that says that he has 2 things he regrets in life. Not fucking more and not taking better care of his teeth. I thought that was brilliant. I am not fucking at this point and I don't even have a dentist at this point so I need to get my shit together in that regard and a lot of other regards too. Imagine being a virgin incel with toothaches and root canals your entire life? Fuck that is brutal.

Doritos Cool Ranch + Wild Cherry Pepsi is a Vibe.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch + Hand-picked blueberries + Oatley's Oat Milk is a Vibe.
Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar + Capri Sun Fruit Punch is a Vibe.

I recently sculpted my beard from it being down to the bottom of my sternum. I've done a lot of great art in the last 2 weeks but that might be my best work. My hair is looking good. I had my El Chapo shirt with 3 buttons undone. I have been getting validation from artists I respect irt my recent art so I have been feelin' it.

It's all feedback loops. My confidence is up so I think all women are checking me out but because of this there are women that are checking me out which makes me more confident, etc. This one woman was ridiculous though. For like 15 yards she was entranced or something and starts playing with her hair... She was good looking too but it was actually uncomfortable for me. If we are in a club I can match the gaze but I would also feel uncomfortable doing that at a crowded public beach.

I realized this morning that where I live is incredibly beautiful. I am incredibly lucky. I think suicide is bad but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do it. I mean I basically would be upset in myself if I killed myself before the Gojira concert in the area later in the year and then I am in another dimension where Gojira does not exist or annihilated ceasing to exist in any dimension.

I am not escaping the nightmares of the night. I am simply running out the clock (Tim J Dillon).

I have about 2.22 hours until I pick up my sister-in-law and nephew from the airport.

2.22 inches is about the size of my flaccid penis. 4.44 inches erect but at least it doubles! It is relatively easy for someone to deep-throat and maintain eye contact if they know what they are doing. I remember one time I was curious and tried on a Magnum condom. My dickhead actually filled it up but the rest was a bit of an embarrassing situation. It's like a power-up in Super Mario Bros... At least that is what I told Princess Peach.

I was just thinking about how much of a gangster my sister is. She is a doctor and has a neck tattoo.

Having a neck tattoo doesn't necessarily mean you are a gangster. It doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't a gangster. (Tribe Called Quest x RiKD)

Helping children and human beings in general is more gangster than having a neck tattoo in the terms that I am talking about.

I invented a new poker game:

PROTOSS

It will play no-limit because no-limit is the shit. 200bb minimum buy-in. Don't have to re-buy below 200bb.

Cards missing:

Q of diamond
6 of club
3 of club
2 of club
10 of spade
5 of spade
3 of spade
2 of spade

Other info:

At the moment there are 2 jokers in the deck (this may change)

There are also 2 4 of hearts

How's that AQ of spade lookin' now?

I haven't played yet. I'd only allow it to run live and the card deletion or addition would change. Classic structure would be 1/1 blinds, 200bb min buy, don't have to re-up stack if it goes below 200bb, if anyone goes south they have to do the most banal chores for everyone at the table at the time for 1 year or arbitrated by fairness, utg straddle allowed and subsequent straddles also allowed but never a button ante or straddle or anything like that, cash plays as well as chips obv, ••• I'm still working out the kinks ••• I was joking the other day about having a shoe fetish but I actually do ••• Leather is bad because leather means profound suffering and death for sentient animals •••

Anyway,

I am excited to try this game out with fun whales in the future. I'll host a game and make everyone some of the best damn pizza on the planet. (or we can just order from the bomb ass place down the street)

Vexin is out but the Spirit of Vexin is definitely still in.

I am not the biggest fan of flying in airplanes for a number of reasons but Paris + Giverny + Vexin is still in the itinerary.

Greta Thunberg is a Hero.

Should we be working on our kinks or embracing them assuming they aren't inciting violence or anything like that?

I feel I have to write this down.

This morning was bonkers. When I can't sleep I try to drive to my psychiatrist's office with out waze or directions. I haven't found it yet... but, what i do do is just listen to my playlists that I attempt to turn into The Entertainment (lite). I don't actually want people to listen to them until they get dehydrated or starve to death. I am just lookin' for Transcendence, Shanzhai Gay (Joyful), and ViBeS. Anyways, I am driving over the biggest bridge in my city at like maybe 4am? The light pollution is strong and mixed with the fog and the song I'm playing (Clique by Kanye West, et al) it is an incredible experience. As I have said I have been manic for a minute a million times now. My senses are heightened and sometimes I flat out hallucinate things. If a Team could recreate that experience for an audience especially for that specific song it would be POWERFUL. Then, immediately following it started raining hard as a motherfucker. It was the craziest experience. The roads were completely dry and then I started seeing all these colors in the road and was like "yeah, typical hallucinations... this is crazy" but then I realized it was actually the luster (reflection) on the water from the road signs and other lights and then All of the Lights by Kanye West, et al came on and it was just fucking bonkers. An ambulance drove by while I was right by the part of the university hospital with all sorts of crazy lights. I did hallucinate a car about to turn into my lane and my senses were heightened as fuck so that is like a once in a lifetime experience that probably very few can relate to. This experience was better than any music video or concert or simulation (unless we already live in a simulation).

Anyways, the playlist is coming along. I still need to learn some technology in order to upgrade it to "DJ Mix." Or, maybe I will just be lazy and get the playlist together and just play it at house parties like I used to in university. I feel like this summer is going to be crazy though. I want to be a part of that energy and I feel like I can get this playlist so KRuNK that if I do it right and the crowd is doing it right we can go to other dimensions. I would settle for DJ'ing house parties again but I've always had aspirations to DJ legit venues. I am allergic to tinkering with technology though. It's something that I will have to overcome if I want to DJ the Cave in Gozo, or wherever. Cave in Gozo is probs #1. I never actually got to rave in the cave because it was closed when I was there but that just seems so primal and awesome to rave in a literal cave. That's some Matrix shit. I always liked the energy in Buenos Aires and New York City. It would be fun to do something Wild in Vegas. Maybe, I would want to do Industry Night more than anything. Strippers, service, and drug addicts in their prime.

It is kind of weird that more breakthrough creativity and expression did not happen until I was older than 35. In 7th grade I wanted to be an artist. My 7th grade art teacher was one of the best teachers I ever had. My high school art teacher was one of the worst teachers I ever had basically killing that dream. I played sports, I played video games, then I got into poker. Drugs and poker. It worked out well until it didn't. I am an addict. The "cool" kids in high school would drink a lot and have fun. Sometimes I would too. Other times I would just stay at home eat Vicodin and get drunk on stolen alcohol. I remember seeing an interview with Rose McGowan and she made a comment that it is bad for artists to get disrupted in making art. I don't know if being an artist would have kept me from being an addict or if being an addict has something to do with me making art. I do know that for me working at a multi-national corporation is terrible period. The alcoholism making that situation much worse but the terribleness of that situation having a lot to do with the severity of the progression of the alcoholism. I realized today that even after all these years I am still pretty fucked up. In some good ways but also in some bad ways. It is not easy to un-fuck oneself. I want to keep the good and annihilate the bad. Also, anytime one looks to un-fuck themselves there has to be an honest look and clarity with the systemic issues leading to any fuckedness. It is not just an individual thing but also a Culture thing.

I have cocaine addict in my code. What do you think happens if I run a huge bluff in big games and win in poker or why the hell I was going up on stage and attempting to get laughs every night doing improv? It's in my code.

Grimes, one of my current muses, made a cameo on SNL and imo out-shined everyone. Then, she had panic attacks and went to the hospital. It's in my code (fortunately or unfortunately?) I don't wish panic attacks on ANYONE but that level of anxiety can bring on super-powers.

Over the last maybe 9 days I have not slept more than 3 hours in a night and feel pretty great. My heightened levels of the senses lead to higher levels of pleasure, sensibilité, and estéthique taste. Obviously, things can go bad. I am doing everything I can to do the right things. The new anti-psychotic seems to be doing a great job of keeping me out of the bad aspects of things so far for the most part. The only thing I can think of is to take Ativan to help me sleep but Ativan for me just dulls bad anxiety and then it can spike again the next day. It doesn't really help me sleep unless I am freaking out. I see my doctor this week anyways so we can get things ironed out. I realize some of my experiences over the last 9 days are a bit of a pink sky ie, ethereal x ephemeral. It's not sustainable. That is something that I have to deal with. The paradise from painting in mania is just something that I can not grasp otherwise. Killing on stage (or field/court/etc) on speed is also very good. God Itself performing songs for me within the Earth's atmosphere this morning is something that I can't really top. Unless I collaborate with people to bring those experiences to other people.

I need an education in cement, concrete, terra cotta, mud, et al. Materials baby. Help me help me help me help meh melp meh kelp meh kelp meh there is a lot of work to do.

En serio bro, I need a materials education and don't know where to start.

Just got the textbook on materials sciences.

I still need help.

What do you know about terra cotta houses?

I laugh at dome houses because if I could I would buy all the Bonita Applebums Pheobe Philo Céline and chill at the crib. So much dome I would never leave home. Although David Cho said he got sick of waking up to 1 woman on his johnson and 1 on his balls every morning that it made him depressed. Sick life.

Regardless, there is a lot of work to be done with dome houses. Monolithic dome houses. I am just starting but I know that they can be built with concrete. I do not know if they can be built with terra cotta or mud. The problem with the dome house in my area is that the lighting could be better. Some may say that is a minor thing but it could be solved probably pretty easily. It may be super easy to get some groundwork in place so that we could provide great dwellings for a lot of people.

All schools with Montessori principles and/or John Dewey wisdom

Mandy Muse on her knees in front of a full length mirror with the camera taking a Rodin – Venus de Milo shot with her hands in her hair showing everything off maybe be the ultimate. It's certainly Good Shit. My plan was to jerk it to Alexis Texas but I can't help myself. I just want to take dope screenshots. Mandy Muse is my new muse (while I listen to Grimes). I didn't even get all that close to finishing I just heated myself up and got myself hypnotized. I'd rather get the good shots than a money shot into old boxer briefs.....

Which reminds me of something I have been thinking. It seems like it is textbook rules to not wear certainly boxer briefs with any holes or rips in them. It's one thing to wear a custom taper 501 with rips in the knees but it is another to have like 2 yr old boxer briefs tearing apart at the seams. I feel like the only use to someone a pair of boxer briefs with a small hole in it is to wear them before it becomes bigger? Just throw it out at first sight? I'm broke broke phi broke how am I going to afford my Bread and Boxer Boxer Briefs? I can wear nothing else at this point. That brings me to another point that socks are the most needed item for charity. I don't think most people want socks with holes in them. I wouldn't. I mean I want to say fuck it and insta throw anything out at the first sign of a hole but that seems like a waste. I don't always like textbook rules. I'm wearing boxer briefs with a hole in them right now and I don't notice any difference. I forgot they had a hole until I started thinking about it.....

Why am I spending so much time getting lost in porn? I mean I could probably spend literally 20 hours a day getting into something like that in my current state. Just searching for Pokemon. The unique shots. I got some great shots today but I mean I was milliseconds away from the ultra shots. Didn't feel like trying for it 2nd time around. If I am manic and hypnotized there is no tellin'. So, what am I spending all this time getting lost in porn? ..... No se. In my current state and in almost all states even if I am literally stapled to my bed in the most crushing depression listening to Right Where It Belongs on repeat by NIN if Mandy Muse appears and starts working my penis in any way she sees fit I think I'd end up being Alright. I'm certainly not going to push her off or grab my phone to take pictures.....

I have a libido and it is stronger than a mosquito. Hell, an array of asses last night sent me into a flurry of creation. I started 2 new paintings. Frank Ocean and estétiique certainly helped too. I almost skimmed through all of the James Turrell book. That shit is deep. James is talking about shit I have no idea what he is talking about and how the retina sees light and aviation and all sorts of crazy shit. The installations are the shit though. Yights! (lights).....

Again, what does this have to do with ending corruption or injustice?

I think it does. Why do anything if not for hunger, libido, Feelin' It?

I don't even like Feelin' It to be some hedonistic thing. Like I need to take 2 doses of cocaine, 3 different benzos, pure heroine to the vein, and have 2 women sucking the head of my penis and 2 women sucking each testicle in the Roden Crater on a clear night to live the Good Life. It is clearly not THAT. Or, maybe it is for someone. I don't even want to go through ANYTHING because I am literally almost 40 and have spent my whole life thinking and reading and observing and contemplating this stuff and I still know nothing. I mean I know something. I know that I know nothing. I don't think Socrates is far off here. It seems kind of cliche or fake humble to say such things .....

I've ruminated on a lot of this stuff before. And I am ruminating again. And while it feels that I "accomplished" a lot today or something I don't know if I really did. I started 2 paintings, I watched porn, I masturbated twice, I went for a walk, I studied James Turrell.....

Oh shit, I forgot. I went to Waffle House in the middle of the morning and met some cool people. I still get like 3 hours a night and most of the rest of the time I am living to the extreme so it really starts to all run together. 2 paintings, hypnotizéd screenshots, good conversation, setting the groundwork for saving the USA and the Earth, it's hard to remember anything as I am so focused on the present and the future but it seems like I did create some stuff today. I could have masturbated 4 times and just taken a long nap..... What's the difference?

Well, for starters, I don't think I have ever masturbated 4 times in a day in my life. I prefer not to beat my meat like it owes me money (Dave Chappelle) even though sometimes I'm in a rush and it feels like just abusing myself to get a nut seems like the right thing to do but I don't think that ever is the right thing to do although I like the estéthique of rolling up a sundress and bending a women over a desk and selfishly pound away to relieve stress. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Even if the next day I give her a sponge bath and eat her out for 33 min. and cook up some Eggs Benedict better than Chef Bocuse ever could.....

Fuck, internet got weird. Feel like I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, I don't even give a fuck I didn't finish my second time masturbating today. I am more happy about the screenshots. I wonder how many women never had an orgasm in the USA in the 1950s..... It's scary to start going back in time from there.....

I am fueled by blueberries and Yves Saint Laurent la nuit noir. I feel like I can take on the world with a belly full of blueberries and a stank of my pheromones x ysl la nuit noir. The world's a stage and everyone has to play their part. I believe Shakespeare said that and André 3000 and probably many others. I don't know if it is true or not but it at least feels like there is truth to that statement. Loco back in the day would come on here posting some rando's YouTube video about Bojack Horseman and how a life is not a narrative. Events are random and storytelling is not possible. That is a strawman (how I set up his argument) but it is just how I was feelin' at the time. I don't know if I even have an argument to refute his argument years ago but I will say that there is some chance I am in a vivid dream or simulation or neo-gods exist..... How can I discern a vivid dream or a simulation from the world these mostly Western thinkers have established / constructed? It's the same with psychosis and hallucinations. I think in one of my first blog posts on here I talked about how I could wake up tomorrow and the sky would be purple and the grass would be orange and that that is not impossible. Specifically, the moods and lighting of the sky we have become acclimated to it but I thought I was hallucinating the other day and in reality I don't think I was....

How long have birds been around? Specifically, pelicans dive bombing the sea and the sandpipers scurrying around seemingly all day long and the sea gulls cruising the beach? How long has the wind been the wind? I don't even know how the wind works? I assume we have had wind for as long as we have had water and the atmosphere?

Laotze was talking about feel the breeze and watch the birds in ~600 BC.... It Works.

Rausch.... Feelin' It....

I just want Grimes vocals and to be invited to cosplay parties so I can ask Kali Uchis out on a date.....

That's how much of a loner I am. There were some women I could ask out on a date in March 2020 but as of today it's basically me completely isolated in my parents' home. I mean it's a lovely home and I love my parents but this shit is fukken ridikelus. What is it..... Something like 30 white bitches, expensive fishes, I mean the shit is, fucken ridikelus ..... I don't know who wrote that... Kanye or RZA or someone else. I feel like on one hand I would love going out with 30 Mia Malkovas to get a chef tasting menu at the best sushi spot in the city to come back to The Dome House for some fun but that would be really fucking weird too.....

I think I am running out of steam. I don't have shit to do until dinner but I am just chattering away like a chattering chatterbox.

Peace. In the moment. Transcendence.

I feel like Cool Memories by Jean Baudrillard and Travels with Charlie by John Steinbeck might be some groundwork for saving the USA. There is a lot more to the story here but that is just my thoughts at the time (just my thoughts)(Jay-Z).

It is also a problem that citizens of Earth, specifically, citizens of what is called "Camden, NJ" are worth more to the prison system then they are to corporate america.

You know, one time I was in a cab in Buenos Aires, Argentina and the cab driver asked where I was from. My spanish was not good enough to talk to him and say, "Estados Unidos" o "EE UU" at the time so I say in english (which I'm pretty sure the precursor was in Ireland at least in writing) that I was "American." He says, "American eh? What am I then?" I say, "Argentinian." He says, "Sure, but aren't I not also American? I live in South America. What is the difference?" •••

I forget who said this but he is a prominent professor at one of those elite institutions like Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc.

"What is the original sin?

The original sin is not USA slavery

The original sin is not Native genocide

The original sin is White Supremacy."

United Kingdom is white supremacist as fuck. Start with the name. UNITED KINGDOM. Hay guys! Let's unite the kingdom! The sun shall never set on The United Kingdom! We The Best!

I did not want to involve Khaled with that but that is what happened.

Also, comfy t-shirt and comfy boxer briefs around the house is such a vibe. I got that from my brother-in-law and it works. I would probably just wear it around everywhere if it was socially acceptable. Comfy t-shirt, comfy boxer briefs and a fanny pack for my stuff I don't want to carry.

Can we overcome Sartre?

The waiter is not a waiter it is a human acting as they think a waiter should act....

What about the artist? I don't act as I think an artist should act.... I just am.

Richard Pryor was the freest black man in the world - Dr. Cornell West

Comedians and artists can basically do whatever they want for the most part. Although fame hinders that in a way.

I feel like Jay-Z is pretty free. Maybe one of the freest black men today. Kanye West. You don't hear a lot about Frank Ocean which is cool to me. I feel like he would still get bombarded in LA or NYC or even Paris. It's cool to perform like Beyoncé. That must be quite the rush but I also respect raspberries for just creating dope shit and not going on tour.

Back to Sartre,

He was a writer and a philosopher. I don't think he was acting as those things he was just being. Being and Nothingness. Which I am not convinced Nothingness is true. I don't want to ruminate about consciousness, infinite, other dimensions, et al. at this point it is just tough to prove anything at this point. We have been discussion this for 3,000+ years with some groundwork(s) but no real breakthroughs as Roderick says. What I am saying is Sartre wrote what he wanted to write and he contemplated what he wanted to contemplate. He was a bit of a "character" but I believe it was mostly authentic. Smoking strong French tobacco in pipes and cigarettes and getting into mischief with Simone de Beauvoir and hanging out at Cafe Flore or wherever was probably just what he wanted to do. He later retreated to his home because fame is probably tiresome for many. Jay-Z and Beyoncé can't even go to the Luvre without being followed and hassled. The only time I was in the Luvre I had the entire section of Michelangelo sculptures to myself. It was lovely. The Slave is fucking fierce. Rodin went to Italy to study Michelangelo for years that brought his power levels up to sizable amounts.

Fuck you and your corporations ,
y'all n***as can't control me !
y'all n***as can't control me !
I was a screaming slave,
I was a dying slave,
In this Life we must be Brave.

I think it's probably compatibl'ism but it is frustrating because i don't know what is free will