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Part 4 - A Taste of Pleasure - Page 3

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Loco   Canada. Dec 14 2018 22:45. Posts 19979

It sounds like your coach is saying you'd be benefited by seeing someone new. You wouldn't be. Seeing someone new would be a distraction from your pain at best, and you'd miss the intensity of the previous relationship by contrast, and at worst, you'd be back into the same push-pull dynamic with someone else. There's a simple course of action here which involves processing your grief and seeing the mistakes you made, while growing a healthy self without a partner. Your center cannot be another person. It's not romantic, it's just tragic.

Also, ditch the old therapist. She is clearly incompetent. You've gone back to her because it's the path of least resistance. You want what is familiar. You should be going against the stream.

Some reading material for you from a licensed therapist who knows what she's talking about:
https://www.sharischreiber.com/needlove.html
https://sharischreiber.com/forumone.html
https://sharischreiber.com/addiction.html

Good luck

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 14/12/2018 22:53

k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 15 2018 09:37. Posts 3448

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 14/01/2019 05:27

k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 15 2018 10:13. Posts 3448

She always seemed fickle. That's the one thing that bothered me the most. I can't be sure if she ever cheated on me, but she flirted with men in front of me, tried to stir jealousy in me, has guys orbiting her and believes that ex boyfriends can be friends. All while idealizing her ex who ended it. Fickle. She once stated that her father used to tell her "Marry for money. Cheat for love". Lol. Her father would openly cheat around her and use her for cover when her mother would ask where her father was. She grew up in an environment where cheating was normal. Red flag, I know.

Then one day the subject of cheating comes up while watching a movie. She told me that she would rather her partner not tell her if he cheated, and that it would be selfish to confess. I in turn told her that I would like to be told and that I believe cheating is the worst form of betrayal in a relationship. The following week she broke it off. Guilt maybe? I don't know. My mind is poisoned with these anxious preoccupied thoughts, always trying to figured out the real reason it ended.

One day I told her that January is the most popular month for cheating. Her response: "Hmmm.. I'm trying to think if that's true". facepalm.gif

And she would always playfully claim that I was cheating! She would often say "Oh were you with your brunette again?", "Did you learn that from your brunette?". I played along until it became annoying and started to feel offended. Maybe she was projecting.


Sometimes I focus in on these moments as an attempt to push her off the pedestal.

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 15/12/2018 10:32

LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Dec 16 2018 16:54. Posts 14809

lol what are you doing :D
Every time women do this you just go stoic and say
"yep, learned from her this when we got married last week, in fact we're expecting quintuplets and you will be the fairy godmother to them, are you excited?"

You basically
1) Remain playful - that's all she's doing afterall
2) Keep your calm and centre don't get all unglued by that stuff
3) Show how ridiculous she's being with even suggesting that

93% Sure! Last edit: 16/12/2018 16:59

Spitfiree   Bulgaria. Dec 16 2018 22:37. Posts 8838

I mean I did tell you that your old therapist is incompetent 2 or 3 blogs ago... she s just saying stuff she read in her class book, ugh

she gave me the impression she knew less about you than me and I know you from internet forum posts... thats really sad (for her ... and well for you for investing money, time and hope into her) ditch her indeed


  Am I naive to think I can keep my emotions in check if we start having sex again?


You know why you wrote that question and you know what we would all answer...


Also what seems to be bothering you the most is the lack of closure on her part. We are programmed to understand everything logically thus everything not only has a beginning and an end but it also makes sense once we go back and look at it. Obviously curiosity is a driving froce for our progress as species, but quite damaging when it suffocates you. You're thinking too objectively clinging to certain actions or things that have been said.

You don't need that closure, it's only holding you back. Learn to let go, will help you a lot outside of the romantic life as well, it's also very liberating.

 Last edit: 16/12/2018 22:49

whammbot   Belarus. Dec 17 2018 00:03. Posts 372

Careful with older women. You do not want to relinquish control unless you enjoy being manipulated like that. Reading this post it looks like she's already got you hooked. Go look for some other cougar or chick, never think that you have a real relationship with a much older woman, it's just going to be impractical.

If your relationship feels like a game already, it probably is.

visit my personal entertainment blog https://foundaz.comLast edit: 17/12/2018 00:05

k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 18 2018 03:17. Posts 3448

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 14/01/2019 05:27

hiems   United States. Dec 18 2018 05:11. Posts 1499

dude this is getting creepy.

is it her companionship or her lifestyle//security that you think you desire so much?

what happened to plans for transitioning out of poker?

again, this is getting fuckin creepy.


k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 18 2018 06:45. Posts 3448

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 14/01/2019 05:28

Loco   Canada. Dec 18 2018 10:18. Posts 19979

What you're experiencing and have experienced has nothing to do with love. Not the kind of love that people in your age range can experience in a healthy manner. It's an immature love, based in infatuation and addiction. Mature love, the only love worth pursing, is the giving of what you have, combined with the self-respect to not settle for anything less than that giving being reciprocated. It is not indulging in pleasure or an escape from solitude. It is certainly not mature love that you express by buying unwanted gifts for someone hoping to win their heart again when it's clearly based on delusional thinking rooted in deprivation.

I think we can all feel for you. We've all been desperate and brokenhearted. But you're on a path of self-destruction here and nothing positive is going to come out of being transparent about it with us. It's only a strength to be vulnerable if it's combined with a desire to learn and change.

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 18/12/2018 10:21

hiems   United States. Dec 18 2018 15:29. Posts 1499

lol im not sure why your getting so mad. you seem to keep defining success in life by some weird parameters, perhaps because besides this recent fling you had with this woman you need to work on your life. driving drunk and rolling by her house at night is stupid/creepy. road raging and almost falling into a ditch is just plain retarded. and this obsession over this woman all over the internet is bordering around creepy.

you seem to have some sort of smug satisfaction that you've been in this relationship while ive been blogging about my recent bouts of loneliness and depression. i dont think you understand that other people can have different life style choices than you. whether if i want to go off-grid and live in the middle of nowhere or whether i want to just do whatever with my life and bang a bunch of hookers do drugs and eat at nice restaurants that's completely up to me, its not your place to just decide that somehow the life of "you have to approach women that smile at you and put yourself out there" is the correct one. this is why i made fun of you before for sounding like a bad pua coach, because you sound exactly like a bad pua coach.


k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 18 2018 18:01. Posts 3448

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 14/01/2019 05:28

LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Dec 18 2018 23:55. Posts 14809

Lol thank you so much k4ir0s
had an amazing time in the pub with random expats talking about the topic of cougars :D

93% Sure!  

Spitfiree   Bulgaria. Dec 19 2018 00:46. Posts 8838

Its one thing to put yourself out of your comfort zone, its quite another to take a self-destructing path willingly, knowing it is one.


Loco   Canada. Dec 19 2018 00:49. Posts 19979

You don't know that she bought you Christmas gifts. You only know that there were tags and receipts that fell out of a bag. That could have been for someone else. It could also have been for you at the time, but she broke up with you since then. She could have returned them, given them away, or is deciding to hold on to them. There was no reason for you to buy her gifts based on the information you had.

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 19/12/2018 00:49

k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 20 2018 00:39. Posts 3448

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 14/01/2019 05:28

Loco   Canada. Dec 20 2018 02:34. Posts 19979

The mistake began before those situations arose. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel as strongly about the relationship as you do in the first place. When it comes to monogamous relationships, both people have to think "fuck yes, I do" to the question of whether they want to be committed to this one person. It doesn't work if it's just one of them. Those situations are just symptoms of the fact that those feelings were never mutual, you said in the past that you kind of pressured her into it (I don't remember your words, but something about her hesitatingly saying yes to being official, probably because she didn't have other strong prospects at the time or she didn't want to hurt your feelings).

There is only one correct course of action when someone is clearly testing your limits, trying to make you jealous, etc. It's to use very clear language to establish a boundary, say that this behavior is not acceptable to you, and to hold the other person accountable for breaking it in the future and to follow up on your word. If it's not clear to you what they are trying to do, you should ask clarifying questions, see if they are incriminating themselves or maybe you'll find that they'll tell you exactly how you "should" be reacting, which is a red flag to get out as you are dealing with someone who's manipulative. If you don't communicate your issue with it or you allow them to keep doing it without (rational/measured) punishment, they will keep pushing and make your life a living hell as you give them more and more power and telegraph to them that you're a doormat and they can do better than you so why should they treat you with respect?

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 20/12/2018 02:37

LemOn[5thF]   Czech Republic. Dec 20 2018 23:18. Posts 14809


  On December 19 2018 23:39 k4ir0s wrote:
Show nested quote +



Receipts/tags were 100% from clothes for me.I'm tall. My size isn't common. But maybe you're right. Maybe she won't give me the gifts now, but I want to be prepared. Worst case scenario I return the items I bought or use them. I kept the receipts. If she invites me over I'll just keep the gifts in the trunk of my car and take them out if she gives me gifts.



  On December 18 2018 23:46 Spitfiree wrote:
Its one thing to put yourself out of your comfort zone, its quite another to take a self-destructing path willingly, knowing it is one.



Agreed. I'm beginning to heal. If she doesn't invite me before Christmas then I know there's no hope.


  On December 18 2018 22:55 LemOn[5thF] wrote:
Lol thank you so much k4ir0s
had an amazing time in the pub with random expats talking about the topic of cougars :D



Older women are great. If anything, the next woman I date will likely be older. The good ones are independent, the conversations are better and you can learn so much from them. They have more confidence in and out of the bedroom, know what they want more and know how to get it. It's fun. But I sometimes think that I'm more inclined to date someone older because the chances of it working out long-term are less likely. Or maybe I have an unresolved oedipal complex



Question for you guys. How should you act when you're GF starts talking about other guys, mentioning that she was complimented or subtly implying that a guy is interested in her or hits on her regularly. I dealt with this issue throughout my relationship and never know how to optimally react. For the most part I ignored it. In hindsight I probably should have used humor. But sometimes it got to the point where I felt like 'WTF she's definitely trying to get a reaction out of me and it's borderline disrespectful" or as some people say: 'shit testing'. How do you handle that?


And how do you handle your GF subtly flirting with someone when you're with her? When she's acting a little too friendly.

It's a good sign generally when your GF tells you when guys hit on her, pursue her or do anything out of line etc. And even asks for advice.
Just shows that she can trust you really.

You should be grateful for that, stay calm, shouldn't be issue at all since actual cheaters will talk about " guyfriends" "people I talk to" or won't at all and then fuck you over behind your back. And if it is a test so what, same principle, give her the benefit of the doubt

It'd be different if she'd say she does the flirting and hits on guys of course

93% Sure! Last edit: 20/12/2018 23:19

k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 21 2018 00:34. Posts 3448

.

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 21/12/2018 01:23

k4ir0s   Canada. Dec 22 2018 06:48. Posts 3448

I dont know what a dt drop is. Is it a wrestling move? -OlyLast edit: 14/01/2019 05:28

 
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