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I dreamt last night that I murdered people...

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RiKD    United States. Apr 29 2017 18:09. Posts 4101
I dreamt last night that I murdered people and then masturbated and jizzed on them and their tv. I don't remember killing them I just remember their dead bodies and vaguely remember dragging them inside of a house. It may have not been their house or tv. I also dreamed that I borrowed a friend's car, lost control of the car, and ran someone over in front of a crowd. My dad listened to 11 hours of the NFL draft yesterday. That is crazy to me. I do resent the people drafted. Making millions of dollars to be aggressive gorillas. I killed a palmetto bug last night with fervor and aggression. In a way I think I liked it. In a way it killed a part of my soul. I almost lost control of my car yesterday going 90 through the mountains, talking on the phone, with one hand on the wheel. I fear hitting people with my car. I fear car accidents. I fear loss of limbs. I fear loss of brain function. I am actually a little afraid of palmetto bugs. I am afraid of them crawling over me when I sleep. I am afraid of picking one up and trapping it in my hands. I am afraid of it crawling into my mouth. Brazilian jiu-jitsu was a great outlet for aggression. When I take someone's back and sink in an RNC and they tap that means I could have killed them if I wanted to. BJJ. It really is a great game. I miss strategy games. What is the best strategy game on the market these days?

I will write it again:

What is the best strategy game on the market these days?

Not that I want to get lost in strategy games when I should be meeting people in a new city. I need a new job, new friends, new home group, new doctors, new therapist, new bank, new driver's license, new hang out spots, new everything. It is not the time to be getting lost in strategy or fantasy. Not the time for escape. Which in a way just makes me want to escape.

Facebook is kind of shitty. I am no longer liking ANYTHING. No like or dislike. Maybe I will comment. Maybe. I just want something real man. What does that even mean? Fuck facebook but I won't leave it. It will just continue to cause some dissatisfaction. It is one of those short term comfort type of things. Junk food. Crack cocaine. Do I have any likes? Do I have any likes? I DO!!! I DO!!! nom nom nom nom nom nom nom. Get the fuck out of here facebook!

Waffle House. Pecan Waffle. Load it up with butter and syrup and a side of coffee. Enjoy! Bon Appetit!

I want some more coffee so ciao tios.

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Nitewin   United States. Apr 30 2017 00:16. Posts 909

Murderers go to jail. Look at Aaron Hernandez.


SleepyHead   . Apr 30 2017 05:42. Posts 808

I dreamed I was in Seattle and it was so windy that the Space Needle fell down. Then an airliner fell out of the sky and crashed in the street. I was having a moral dilemma about whether or not I should go and help then I woke up.

Dude you some social darwinist ideas that they are giving hitlers ghost a boner - Baal 

dnagardi   Hungary. Apr 30 2017 14:29. Posts 1472

Your blogs are discursive and disconnected, random topic every sentence. Are you visiting a therapist btw? What is your condition if I may ask


RiKD    United States. Apr 30 2017 18:31. Posts 4101


  On April 29 2017 23:16 Nitewin wrote:
Murderers go to jail. Look at Aaron Hernandez.



Yes they do. Prison should be a place of abstinence and safety and rehabilitation not punishment. The murderer murders because of the way his brain his set up and the conditioning of his life. Get them away from people who could be murderees. I don't know if murderers can be rehabilitated. I am a potential murderer under the right conditioning. I am a murderer. I murdered a palmetto bug in cold blood the other night. The closest I have gotten to murdering a person was myself. Whether that was jumping off a balcony, deciding to drive off the road going 90 mph, or having a santoku knife to my stomach. I do get homicidal ideations. I would love to murder Trump, Pence, and Ryan in a trifecta of beautiful serial killing but I don't really want to do that. What I was trying to get at in the OP was I have a pent up aggression. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing? How important is competition in this world? What I think I am struggling a bit with is this like hypocritical Jesus capitalism thing we have going on in the USA. I am drawn to more of a Tibetan Buddhist way of life and I am new to it and shedding even more old ideals and even just turning the tv on last night and watching these goofballs play poker badly on one of those poker at night shows, and the advertisements it all made me a little bit what am I doing here? What is this? This can't be the way it is. The thing is I don't have to watch tv. I don't have to resent poker players that are still playing poker and making big money. I think I do miss that competition though. Tangling with a worthy opponent. It is one of the things that is best in life.

I think one thing I resent a lot is the military industrial complex. I am not sure if I just resent aggressiveness. I resent the NFL. I don't think it is good for culture. Yes, I am one of those. I suppose I am more Marcus Aurelius or Socrates rather than the Trojans of Troy. I do think it is good to have people out there who excel at murder I am just concerned for what is the motive. WHAT IS THE MOTIVE of sending these guys into certain places and murdering people? If it is to make the hypocritical Jesus capitalists more rich that is a travesty. I do understand negotiating and let's face it in this world murder can be on the table. It is not going away. I think this is where I need to take a step back and accept the facts of life. This is the world I live in. I can make a great little space to live in where gratefully a lot of this stuff does not have to enter the consciousness often. I can go to the beach today. I can have a great meal with family. I can go to a meeting full of loving, open-hearted fellows. I should focus on helping the people that need help in my little sphere. The people I can offer the most help to. I am deeply grateful for this. The guy that got dealt 2 boxed wines, a bottle of cognac and a knife to his stomach still does not know how he got out of that situation. All I got was a couple of burn marks and a story to maybe help someone with a similar problem.


RiKD    United States. Apr 30 2017 18:33. Posts 4101


  On April 30 2017 04:42 SleepyHead wrote:
I dreamed I was in Seattle and it was so windy that the Space Needle fell down. Then an airliner fell out of the sky and crashed in the street. I was having a moral dilemma about whether or not I should go and help then I woke up.



Where is Carl Jung when we need him?


RiKD    United States. Apr 30 2017 18:39. Posts 4101


  On April 30 2017 13:29 dnagardi wrote:
Your blogs are discursive and disconnected, random topic every sentence. Are you visiting a therapist btw? What is your condition if I may ask



Sometimes my thoughts are discursive and disconnected. I just moved so I do not currently have a therapist. I will be looking to get one within a reasonable amount of time. I am an alcoholic, drug addict, just addict in general. I probably qualify for gambling, sex, overeating, video games, really anything. 12-step fellowships cover those pretty well. I am bipolar with psychotic episodes. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist for this. They all kind of interrelate though. I talk about my substance abuse with my doctor and therapist and I talk about my bipolar stuff with other bipolar alcoholics.


PuertoRican   United States. Apr 30 2017 22:28. Posts 10579

Rekrul is a newb 

failsafe   United States. May 01 2017 06:30. Posts 1007

You can see why laws against murder and rape and so on are a good idea. People care about those things and if Bill Gates or someone wanted to murder me he almost certainly couldn't do it himself because there's a 100% chance of him getting busted.

On the other hand, there's no real reason why capitalist laws are good for us. Rich people can break capitalist laws all the time because no one is really in a position to do anything about it. Is it good that Bill Gates got caught breaking capitalist laws? Not really in and of itself unless there's some reason why breaking those laws in this or that way can actually redeem the United States in the world. Other countries are breaking these laws constantly and Bill Gates can't defeat them simply by setting a good example.

And what about drug laws? Rich people can do all the drugs they want and the situation is virtually the same. I don't care if Bill Gates does LSD every day. If Bill Gates LSD every day it might make my life better. Telling Bill Gates he can't do LSD isn't even helpful. The United States can't set laws for rich people in other places. Since no rich people ever face real consequences for using LSD there's no reason to have a law against it. Preventing rich people from using LSD wouldn't increase the opportunities of poor people getting LSD. If anything there shouldn't be a law against LSD because it's not empowering for poor people.

The point of laws is to empower and protect the rights of poor people in my opinion and they aren't any good if they don't do that rationally.

edit: i just want to record good Starcraft to make my constituency proud. Alabama would be a lot more proud if it could boast good e-sports players. If I can't record good Starcraft without LSD then I should be allowed to use as much LSD as I need to record good Starcraft. There's nothing I can do about the latency in my constituency, and I blame the government for that. If the people of Alabama could use more LSD and less meth we wouldn't have to worry about latency in the way that we do. We want to connect to other consciousnesses the same as everyone everywhere else. If meth is the only drug we can use to support ourselves because the consequences are self-enforcing against the users then we're trapped in poverty. Regardless of the meth use of my fellow citizens I should be able to record good Starcraft for Great Works projects.

My point is we can't appeal to competition to solve all our problems. Competition might never solve all our problems.

positive positivityLast edit: 01/05/2017 06:35

RiKD    United States. May 01 2017 21:52. Posts 4101

Dude, crystal should improve Starcraft for a time. It will end up ugly but for a time! I never did LSD and do not know too much about it but I could see micro dosing LSD and starcraft to be a big winner. A large dose and I don't know how one is supposed to micro or macro? Amazing build orders may become second nature. Spooky.

I say drugs for everyone. It should never be a crime. Actions done while intoxicated of course can be trialled as a crime but not the users. For the users it is just good times or mental illness or somewhere in between. Problems should be treated as mental illness and not a crime.

All our problems will never be solved. We are just here. Imperfect, impermanent. I can solve a math problem in blood and it will be solved for a while until it is washed away. If I just get this, do this, work on this I will be happy is a dream song. There are no happy endings unless I am high enough on great marijuana, listening to bjork, getting a phenomenal blow job to completion. That is a happy ending. Otherwise it just does not exist.

Love can solve a lot of problems. Love and happy endings. Go help some people and when you've had about enough go relax to a handy and some groove armada.


RiKD    United States. May 01 2017 22:45. Posts 4101

The Stranger. A novel by Camus or sitting on your left hand until it becomes numb and masturbate with it. When I said handy in the last post I meant an actual handy by an actual stranger or most likely not a stranger unless one is in a massage parlor who provides extras. Self hand jobs are kind of meh. They run out of fashion past high school maybe college maybe sex addicted post college or maybe that is just me and they do not run out of fashion. For a good one, one needs some proper lubrication and enough time to really enjoy it. Then there is the whole pornography aspect. Ya know, there was this woman at the restaurant last night that had just the most perfect ass and she was wearing one of those clingy, tight dresses with it and it was a marvel to watch that thing move. Uncanny hip to waist ratio. I was willing to make babies. So, I guess I get porn but I don't really but I also don't really want to go into why at this point because I have to go somewhere.


failsafe   United States. May 03 2017 19:36. Posts 1007

I found a place in California that will sell lots of cactuses. It looks like the cactuses themselves are a lot more cost-efficient than the incense I was using. I have set up a few cactuses around my meditation zone and it seems to have improved the atmosphere a lot, but I don't know if they will die indoors.

We are looking at some new BW builds, especially for PvT. They are not really working yet, and we can't record but as I become more depressed I will keep trying. We will be very depressed by the time it is to use the cactuses since I've done some stuff that's bad for my brain including DXM. The half-life of SSRIs is incredibly long and we have to wait at least 3 days to use the cactuses (24~26 hr half-life).

We got one good recording in yesterday but meditating between games we are only taking one shot an hour. We got this good recording against a Korean.

positive positivity 

RiKD    United States. May 03 2017 20:55. Posts 4101

Do you ever talk to your doctor about drugs?

Is there a reason you don't experiment with shrooms?

Have you ever thought about doing Ayahuasca?

Do you have any hobbies or anything that you would like to do besides Starcraft and Diablo 3 runs?

I feel for you man, all down there in Alabama. From my experiences I don't have to be depressed. To get depressed I am either not taking my meds or allowing some of the habitual neurosis to take hold many times dealing with the habit of oversleeping and the habit of isolation. Depression breeds isolation. Isolation breeds depression. Depression breeds oversleeping. Oversleeping breeds depression.

There were times when my doctor just did not really have me on the right drug cocktail. Those were tougher times.


 





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