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End of a Season + I Need Help

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RiKD    United States. Apr 14 2017 18:25. Posts 4530
My final two weeks is up at the seafood market and I am finished there. It was a strange season. Strange hours. I mostly read diet and nutrition books, Camus, watched "Parts Unknown with Anthony Bourdain" and HBO's "Girls." Now I am back with an 8 hour void. Perhaps a somewhat daunting void. I should be able to find ways to fill it. I have almost two weeks until I move to Charleston, SC. I am still in a state of unsureness in what I want to do with my life. Maybe you all can help. I need all the help I can get. I have a History degree. I have a poker and sales background. I do not think I meld well with coding and the like. It does not come easy to me and I have just never had the willingness to get into it. I do not particularly like multi-national corporation culture or maybe I was just not with the best fit company in my past. Academia intrigues me but it is a lot of money and a lot of work and I did not particularly like academia in the field of History or in general. Many times I just figure I will be a therapist or a nurse. I have thought about teaching but I do not know about that. Am I missing anything? What are you all doing? I am sick of being stuck in the mud of all this stuff and stuck in the mud of poverty. I need some ideas. I need some discussion. I need some help.

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hiems   United States. Apr 15 2017 01:29. Posts 1368

when i read your blog i cant tell if you are being serious with your question or if this is just part of a writing project you have going on right now.

if this is a writing project and you want to write you should take that with a more serious approach and consider creating content on places with more exposure (not just 100% audience being liquidpoker...) where you actually have a chance to succeed. lets say you start some philosophy channel on youtube and have some wordpress blog. i mean if writing is what your trying to do go ahead and do it because you'll never get anywhere if all your doing is posting stuff on liquidpoker.

if, on the other hand this writing/philosophy hobby is something that you view it more as a side thing/long-term hobby than anything else, then you need to segregate it from your career search and take the latter more seriously. all of the "ponderings" about your potential careers or whatever is kind of frustrating to hear if you want me to be honest. no one knows except yourself. also the most important starting points, like what kind of savings do you have, expenses, living situation, why you are moving, etc no one knows anything about. not sure how you expect people on here to help you.

last thing there was nothing really wrong about working at the seafood market. not sure how long you worked there but if you worked there for a long duration that is a job well done in sticking with something.


 Last edit: 15/04/2017 04:45

RiKD    United States. Apr 15 2017 21:21. Posts 4530

This is not part of a writing project I have going on. It comes down to being compelled to write and LP being an easy place to do so. A comfortable place. I would love for my occupation to have something to do with writing but I can not picture it. I can not foresee how that would work. I realize I would have to get more serious to have a chance at making it an occupation but I do not know if I am willing to do that. I have not been willing to do that up until this point. In the moment, I am content to just get my thoughts out to LP and then to maybe have some discussion or not. I do think about getting some stories down on paper but I compare myself to Tolstoy or Nabokov and get discouraged.

I would agree that the ponderings are frustrating for me, frustrating for everyone. I get suggestions that seem pretty good and then never follow through. Unfortunately, at times I am in a state of confusion and desperation. I am seeking some spark that never seems to come. I don't even think it really works that way. There are just some stuff I am going to have to get through and leaps of faith that will have to take place if I want a better situation than $10-20/hr of just ok whatever type of jobs. It is like I don't want that but I don't want khaki wearing middle class grinder. My goal is not 2 kids and a swimming pool and an Acura in the garage. I guess at times I can be pretty restless and discontent. Starving artist sounds nice until I am starving. Man, I just want to go play some frisbee golf on a nice day. Take a walk through the city, scope out the street lights and church spires, have some noodles and dumplings, sit outside and enjoy some Turkish coffee, conversation flow state, listen to some Kaytranada, early Thomas Banghalter, relax on a porch and talk about furry space suits on Mars, listen to some Schubert and call it a night. There is always Uber if I am bored and want some extra cash but I really have a negative disposition towards that endeavor in general.

I worked at the seafood market for almost 3 months. I would say it actually was a solid thing. It was humbling. I wanted to quit a lot but I did not until I responsibly put in my 2 weeks. The pay was meager but it covered my meager expenses. It was the longest I had worked somewhere in 2 years.

Loco   Canada. Apr 16 2017 00:41. Posts 19049

No one can really help you because it's not clear what you want. Do you want a career? If you haven't found a passion of some sort, then that basically means, would you be adequately satisfied slaving away most of your days because you figure retirement will make up for that? Are you too eccentric to pull that off? I guess another way to maybe figure it out is to think, who do you envy in life? They're probably doing what you want to pursue but something is stopping you.

It's okay to take some time off if you can afford it or get some other low paying job in order to have more time to figure out what you want to jump in. It's just that you need to make sure you're actually searching for something else instead of settling for that job and distracting yourself the rest of the time.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

hiems   United States. Apr 16 2017 12:43. Posts 1368

I have always thought doing pedicab in Austin would be a really cool job/experience to have in life. This is especially true if you are in between stuff and trying to figure things out and would like to make some money.

It's probably not worth it to move to Austin for that but I Googled pedicab Charleston and perhaps check that out. Seems to fit your personality pretty well.

RiKD    United States. Apr 16 2017 15:26. Posts 4530

  On April 15 2017 23:41 Loco wrote:
No one can really help you because it's not clear what you want. Do you want a career? If you haven't found a passion of some sort, then that basically means, would you be adequately satisfied slaving away most of your days because you figure retirement will make up for that? Are you too eccentric to pull that off? I guess another way to maybe figure it out is to think, who do you envy in life? They're probably doing what you want to pursue but something is stopping you.

It's okay to take some time off if you can afford it or get some other low paying job in order to have more time to figure out what you want to jump in. It's just that you need to make sure you're actually searching for something else instead of settling for that job and distracting yourself the rest of the time.

I just woke up on not a lot of sleep. A manic state could be a brewing. I brewed some good coffee and am listening to euphoric music. Some of my best thinking comes in groggy, energized states like this. I want to date. I want more financial freedom. Actually, that is not even the most crucial. I am not really driven by expensive dinners and stuff anymore. I would like to be able to travel more. I want my own place but do I really want my own place. Being honest it is pretty comfortable living with my parents. It is not fun to write that but it is easy and comfortable. Then the question is how bad do I want to date? It would be nice for it to be an option. It currently is not really one. I think I was hoping for magic in this thread. Someone could get me the solution in one post somehow. Questions are helping. I am a pretty lazy person. Always searching for magic bullets. I want a career but a career on my terms. My last career job ended pretty badly. Like I said I do not want to be wearing khakis putting in 50+ hours a week but I suppose I would give it a try under the right circumstances. That attitude does not get me a job. I want to get out of poverty. $40,000 achieves that. $50,000 is better. $60,000 is better. $75,000 in a city like Charleston is plenty. I do not know if I am willing to do the work to get there. Something like nursing or therapy is way more appealing than a desk job. I had a desk job for a month when my last job was trying to rehab me from alcoholism and I went crazy. I mean I already was crazy but I don't think I have been more miserable in a job than when I was in some corner cubicle doing safety reports all day. My last job was almost ideal for me I think as far as a career and I crashed and burned pretty hard. I was dealing with untreated mental illness and alcoholism though.

If you haven't found a passion of some sort, then that basically means, would you be adequately satisfied slaving away most of your days because you figure retirement will make up for that?

I could see myself adequately satisfied slaving away most of my days but not because I figure retirement will make up for that. I am pretty heavily bearish on slaving away for retirement or early retirement or anything of the sort. I guess I don't like the term slaving away period. I do think humans have a tendency to acclimate to their situation but I am weary of acclimating to slaving away. I have been in that cycle of slaving away and trying to find some enjoyment in leisure time. I found drinking. I think I can do a better job this time but not for retirement. I will be old with not as much energy as I have now. It seems like the natural thing is to spend money in the 20s and 30s but I find a lot of enjoyment these days on a pretty small budget. I see old age as a spot to minimize even more. I do not have dreams of a large house, and a boat, and all of those trappings. I like people, conversations, experiences, books. I may never find love and I could see carrying a sort of sadness about that but I could deal with that because that is how it would be. I don't want children, I don't want a house, I don't need a nice car, I don't need nice things, I am not ever going to be pining for these things or saving up for these things so I don't necessarily need that middle class job but I do want at least middle class money so I need something. I don't want to be 40, 50, 60 working menial jobs. I don't ever want to be working menial jobs sweating the bills each month. Sweating bills where I feel handcuffed in what I can do. I would like to travel out to San Francisco to see friends. Spend a planned weekend in New York with people. Spend an unplanned weekend to see my siblings sometime. Get back to Paris. Get back to Buenos Aires. Go to Tokyo and Kyoto and Okinawa and Korea.

Are you too eccentric to pull that off?

I am definitely eccentric. I don't think I can pull that off in a lot of careers. I have always been a bit of a wild child but that is calming down a bit. Untreated bipolar and drug addiction did not help. I think in the right culture my eccentricities can be a benefit. I am not strange in the fact that I don't take showers and have greasy hair and pick my boogers. I am mostly strange in middle class grinder settings because of a lot of my views about life. I am definitely weird though. My last boss used to describe me as a character. A piece of work in the a bit crazed and bizarre but charming way. I am also quite conscientious most of the time. The NAFTA Director described me as smart, conscientious and likable. He said everyone liked me which of course I liked to hear. This was in a career job where I fit pretty well within smaller scale culture but the overall culture of the company and industry were kind of fucked. Sometimes I am glad to be out, sometimes I want to run back but I never want to run back. Casually stroll back into a good fit maybe. That ship might have sailed. Basically, I would have to find the right culture and the right tribe and the right fit to pull a career off.

I guess another way to maybe figure it out is to think, who do you envy in life?

First two that come to mind are Kanye West and Martin Amis. Pharrell Williams, Jay Z, Guillame Canet, Ashton Kutcher, Russell Brand, Anthony Bourdain. I could elaborate but I was just kind of shitting it out and that's what came out. I used to think and still do that if I had Marion Cotillard in my life everything would be wonderful so if I was rich and a creative and living in Paris and had Marion Cotillard in my life it would be a dream. Same thing goes for Mila Kunis but minus Los Angelos. I did not particularly like that city. I was listening to some Schubert and then I listened to Kanye West and was like he is a talented beat maker but this is all kind of shit. Whatever, it is not needed to elaborate that is what was in my mind.

"It's just that you need to make sure you're actually searching for something else instead of settling for that job and distracting yourself the rest of the time."

This is so crucial because I have fallen into that trap. I did at my last job. I have a good friend who is close to 40 or older who is still kind of stuck in the menial job and trying to make things work and while he is a dear friend it is clear to see it gets even more difficult as one gets older. I hate the shitty job + tv loop. Shitty job + reading is better. Shitty job + conversation with friends is equal or perhaps better but if the shitty job is an underlying problem it needs to be solved sooner rather than later. It is almost like I would rather be working so much I do not realize how much my life sucks... I don't know about that. It is a danger that we do get acclimated to any situation. It is just easier to throw on Netflix than it is to put in some job applications or look into going back to school.

I think this was really helpful to think about some things. It reminded me when I did the Jordan Peterson future authoring. Writing stuff out really helps kind of put some things together. I still have career hang ups. I just know I don't want to be in poverty. Barely spending any money and struggling to cover bills is frustrating. Especially when it is every month. When I was in a career it was just direct deposit and I didn't even have to think about anything. Maybe I check my expenses when I wanted to buy a couch or a bike but I could buy a $4k bike and not care and that is not even poker money that was like $60-70k. I was looking to live in Chicago though so thought I was poor. It is all relative. I remember when air travel to pretty much wherever I wanted to go was just a thing. I do not know if I will ever get that freedom back but I would like more freedom than I have now.

Loco   Canada. Apr 17 2017 04:01. Posts 19049

So, what is it that you envy about those people? I know they're all rich and famous but I don't know of anything else that links them together. Would you like to become rich and famous overnight? Do you think it would improve the quality of your life a lot long term?

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

RiKD    United States. Apr 18 2017 02:04. Posts 4530

Kanye West - Creative expression. I don't even like a lot of his expression but he is confident and free in his expression. If he wants to design clothes he does it. He went from someone that creates music to rapping to clothes. I certainly do not want that evolution but I do envy his confidence and freedom of expression. He just does it.

Martin Amix - Brilliant writer. I wish I could write novels that well. He also pals around with like Christopher Hitchens when he was alive and seems to live a pretty cool life. He got sick of London so he moved to Brooklyn. I would love to have that freedom to just live anywhere and create art.

Pharrell Williams - Another creative that spans a lot of genres. It would be great to be able to just wake up and generally work on what inspires me.

Jay Z - He is basically a writer that spans other genres like business. He seems to have found his counterpart in Beyonce. He seems to have life figured out pretty well. I don't want that level of fame. To be honest some level of fame would probably be cool but I would never want to have to deal with paparazzi.

Guillame Canet - Actor, screenwriter, director, etc etc. It would be fun to get that varied creative expression. The big one is Marion Cotillard though. I want to find that person for me. She is just so lovely.

Ashton Kutcher - Comes off as kind of a dummy actor but he does a lot of cool work with journalism and charity. Mila Kunis is another crush.

Russell Brand - Another person with his hand in a lot of cool stuff. Has a lot of time clean and seems to be living a pretty cool life.

Anthony Bourdain - He makes his living traveling around and eating good food. He is another with a number of hands in things. Chef, writer, host, producer, etc.

I would not like to become rich and famous overnight. That would be terrible for me. I do not think it would improve the quality of my life long term. This weekend was a pretty good weekend. There is really nothing I would want to trade for that. A walk around the city with a good friend and conversation is a better experience for me than anything glamorous or "exciting." Some coffee and conversation with my sister that I rarely see anymore. Trifle for breakfast. Mussels and good bread for dinner. Strawberries and chocolate.

Sometimes I get a bit stuck in the mundane. I have been traveling and lack of sleep so I am a bit tired and I take a nap. I wake up and it is just like ugh. I forget I put some clothes in the wash. I forget there is nothing to eat for dinner. Do I go to a meeting? I haven't showered in a while. Do I read a book? I suppose I shower up and go to a meeting. Perhaps there will be some people I like there. Perhaps I can help someone with a problem but I really do not want to sit there through some people's shares. This is kind of where I should be though. I do not need rich and famous. I just want enough to try restaurants regularly, go on some dates, be able to meet up with my brother for a weekend in New York City, go to my sister's wedding, plan a trip for Tokyo, man, even just having my own apartment in a decent spot. I need to be able to write about or talk about what I have been observing and thinking about. Thankfully, there are meetings, I have a lot to talk about with my therapist tomorrow, I am going disc golfing, the weather is supposed to be beautiful. There are coffee shops, there are art galleries, there are interesting places to walk, I could always just focus and put attention to my breath and awareness to my surroundings. Sometimes I like getting lost in thought though. There can be good ideas and thoughts that stem from that. I don't know if any of this helps with what I am going to do with most of my days but it is showing what is important to me. Exactly what I do might not matter but I know I like variation, I like creativity, I need some expression in different forms but I may not need that at an occupation. I want a hat. I want a hat so that if I do not feel like combing my hair or if my hair is messed up I can just throw on a hat and go. How do I not have a hat? Oh well, I should shower up and get to a meeting.

Loco   Canada. Apr 19 2017 03:38. Posts 19049

Are you doing CBT with your therapist?

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

RiKD    United States. Apr 19 2017 19:42. Posts 4530

I don't really know. I know in outpatient we did CBT, DBT, and then some interpersonal skills therapy that I do not remember the acronym. Therapy is supposed to be an extension and support of that but I just don't know.

RiKD    United States. Apr 19 2017 22:36. Posts 4530


Maybe it will help to think of this on a how do I want my life to look. I was visiting family over Easter and the traveling gave me a lot of time to think about things.

There are no happy endings. I will always want more. On the drive back I put my awareness to a beautifully or mechanically or painstakingly fluttering moth before two seconds later it was obliterated on my windshield. That is us. There are no happy endings.

I do not want children. The biggest reason being the consent issue. Babies have no consent in being here. There is also the over population issue but I don't think that would stop me. There is also the issue of just being up all night. Babies can be terrors. Children can be very difficult. There is a chance that I meet someone that is very dead set on having children and I fall in love and it happens but I generally try to vet the viewpoint of having children very early in the dating process. I can't vet everything every time. I like children. My sister's kid is awesome. Now that he is here let's make it the best run possible.

I do not want a big house. Give me a reasonable apartment or some cool house renovation any day. It would be nice to have an apartment in a cool area of the city. I don't need prime real estate anymore. I would be perfectly happy with some hip, gentrified area. If I have some corner stores and some restaurants and stuff in walking distance that is great.

The thing is, though, who really knows how it will all turn out.

There are no happy endings. The revolution will not be televised.

As far as jobs, my therapist told me if I want to get out of poverty and into some more career type of stuff I am going to have to focus, pick something and then stick with it. I thought that was pretty reasonable. I am going to have to go through with it and pick something and not falter.

I am going to miss my hair stylist. She is really cool and just on point with haircuts.

I should probably do a guided meditation with Sam Harris. I meditated yesterday and it was an experience. I wanted to check my phone like 30 sec. in. Then I wanted to get lost in thought. I wanted to observe the room. I wanted to see how the other people were meditating. Then everything kind of calmed down and I could focus on the breath and sensations and sounds. Today, a thought came into my head that I wanted to fuck my hair stylist in the ass. Thanks to my meditation I could just say "Wow, that's a good one" and move on to other thoughts like how to continue normal conversation amidst being hit with some not so conversation friendly thoughts. The thoughts showed up. They arrived and then they dissipated. Some showing themselves once again or again but always leaving eventually. I do not need to reach enlightenment. There is no good or bad meditation there just is. There can be frustrating meditation. It can feel like a struggle. That is just judgement. The breath does not judge. The birds chirping do not judge. You know, I think I really do want to fuck my hair stylist in the ass under the right circumstances. That was an honest thought but not really a realistic thought or one I should seriously entertain. The Italian beauty who really digs me and loves anal is a much better thought. I can't always focus on the breath. Sometimes it is beneficial to get lost in thought. That is where ideas and inspiration come from.

I should not get caught up too much in fantasy, however. Or should I? I only have so much time fluttering about. Constantly, flying into mini-moons I think will guide me. Should I not live life to the fullest? Fulfill my dreams even if they may not be realistic? These questions sound like a life in conflict. There will always be conflict. I will always want more comfort, more security, more excitement. I want stability but I despise the mundane. I need stability or I am back to the psych ward. I am back to that mess on the couch full of booze, fears, resentments. No idea how to live any sort of life. Wanting to die. Just hoping that next bottle can provide some relief. It's not working. Oh God, it's not working. Are you out there God? Of course not. The bottle is all I have and it's failing me. Maybe the santoku knife to the gut will work. NO! HALF A BOTTLE OF COGNAC WILL! IT MUST! (and it did... for now...)

So, I suppose I should not complain about jobs too much. If it is keeping me stable and keeping my bills paid to the point that I can eat and spend time with some fellows that is good enough for now... Fuck whoever got together and wrote down commandments of ESTEEMED JOB, BIG HOUSE, AT LEAST 2 CHILDREN. If I was more skilled at murder I would definitely consider it. Well, actually, I just did consider it and decided I was not skilled enough at murder to really have a shot at taking care of it proficiently. There is always hanging out with people that SHARE THESE SENTIMENTS. It does wonders. Sometimes I share my thoughts and it is sentiments shared by all. Sometimes I share my thoughts and it is like "haha, no dude, you are fucked up."

I wish I played the piano (I did play the piano). I wish I played the guitar (I did play the guitar). I wish I could create beats. Create vibes. I wish I could paint better but I don't do it. I am happy to write on LP and hang out. I just hang out. Pretty much have just been hanging out all of the days. X and conversation. That is what I am drawn to. That is what I do. Alright, enough of this.

failsafe   United States. Apr 20 2017 15:34. Posts 1013

I've started meditation again. I am just meditating all day which seems to be good so far. Meditation is definitely a weird thing, since people don't really believe in it unless they're doing it.

For me, the experience is something like drugs. I mentioned to you last time that a friend of mine passed away in 2010, and afterwards I got into reading a lot of religious books: the Dalai Lama (marginally helpful but very upbeat and not completely Western). I am a big fan of the Dalai Lama, but I feel like his spiritual life is ingrained into his writing.

For Westerners I recommend "Ram Dass" (who was a Harvard professor named Richard Alpert before traveling to India). I know in 2010 I read almost everything Ram Dass wrote and it gave me a sense of confidence. Ram Dass is still alive, though he's 86 and less accessible in most mediums than before because he had a massive brain hemorrhage. I know that he's still doing a bad job compared to the Dalai Lama but he is more accessible because of his background as a Psychologist with a full Western education. Since a lot of people are trying to get away from Western education in some sense, Richard Alpert sets the bar for that concern.

The best books I read are: "Remember Be Here Now" by Ram Dass and "Zen Mind Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki. Shunryu comes off as a sort of semi-intelligent humorous person who was only 4 feet tall and couldn't understand anything in normal language. He's probably the most encouraging for that reason.

Utlimately I sucked at meditation and couldn't meditate for more than 5 minutes unless I smoked weed beforehand. (the Dalai Lama warns about this).

Finally I bought a bunch of high-grade sativa and went on a meditative retreat and became insane because of the soothing effects on a seizure I didn't know I had (and may not have). Who knows.

I think the actual probability of not benefiting from meditation is very low...but who knows.

I started meditating again over this past week and it's going really well. I'm mostly sober and only smoke my vaporizer while I meditate. The results are a lot better this time around and I find I can meditate without any real difficulties. This seems to be the best solution available for someone with low energy level or who has a lot of lag-spikes in their life. I know I've got a lot of lag-spikes in my life and can sometimes barely do anything like go to the store or get a meal or something like that. My girlfriend harasses me a lot about eating and staying awake, which is really helpful and I don't think she minds doing it.

The unglitching process might just take time, and meditation seems best in this regard. It's hard to tell how glitched your IRL human can become, but it seems like it can become pretty glitched for no reason.

In that regard I'm really happy with just devoting most of my waking hours to meditation because it seems like a sure-compass, at least if you're sober. It might be a sure-compass in any regard, but that doesn't mean that you can solve every glitch issue with stability. Since the options sometimes seem to be just wasting time without any benefit or using meditation to waste time but be sure of heading in the right direction, meditation seems better.

My ultimate take on the meditation technique this time around is that it gets a lot better results than anything else I've tried in the past few months. It seems inevitable that you'll eventually unglitch if you meditate every day, which is something I hadn't really done or been able to do prevoiusly.

Now that I'm doing it all the time everything seems great. My girlfriend ordered some mescaline online, and seems very encouraging that it will help me get motivated. Normally I'm pretty resistant to anything like this because as I mentioned before not everyone is in candid support, but it seems promising. The mescaline will be here tomorrow, and I'm really excited about it if this experiment is successful. I've never tried mescaline but have always wanted to, and I feel like with the help of Tiki, my new India guru that we'll achieve the best results possible.

Personally I'm pretty sociophobic and don't like trying to buy any kind of drugs in person, and so the online avenue seems best for me as it lets me overcome my phobias. If everything goes well I'll have 4 oz. of mescaline tomorrow through the mail. You are not supposed to boil or consume it, but I will probably do this anyway. The product is legal because it is sold as incense, or you could buy a cactus. I think neighbors would wonder if I grew a 6foot cactus on my porch and then it disappeared, so I am not taking that route yet. Still, I am very enthuasiastic about this possibility and will of course be careful in the preparation.

edit: i'm not sure my gf ordered enough cactus powder. we'll find out tomorrow if it is enough for me or the right amount. i guess we'll see

positive positivityLast edit: 21/04/2017 10:22

failsafe   United States. Apr 22 2017 01:06. Posts 1013

we are getting some mixed results with the mescaline. we played a great game of starcraft but then ended up screaming at some korean because of lag spikes. everything seemed to be going great and now we're just in limbo.

positive positivity 

failsafe   United States. Apr 22 2017 01:08. Posts 1013

here's the starcraft game which is what we were aiming for but then everything fell apart next game as lag spikes started. we're going back to try to get unglitched for the IRL human. i have no idea what's gone wrong as mescaline is supposed to last at least 10 hours and we're only at most 5 hours in and sort of spiking somewhat

positive positivity 

RiKD    United States. Apr 22 2017 23:25. Posts 4530

Mescaline, huh. Well, I wish you the best. Good luck, have fun!

I have been meditating quite a bit recently. There seems to be less struggle and more acceptance of the facts of life. The facts of who I am. Awareness of consciousness. That last one is a trip. I sometimes just like to stay at the breath and watch as the thoughts arise. They arise with consciousness similar to the awareness of sounds and sensations.

I have found with meditation and the fact that I am leaving in a week I just have not given too much of a fuck. Like, today I had the inclination to wear the sexy boots and the stylish cardigan but where I am at right now the beat up running shoes and hoody is so the play.

If a woman has a boyfriend sometimes it is like "aww, rats" but in a way "cool, we can just be friends and that's cool." Not too good of friends. Definitely far from BFFs. I am not going to be on best gay friend status if I still have the inkling to fuck her. There are cool people out there though and cool people and conversation make life more livable. I am not living in the fantasy that I can just flirt my way into an attractive woman's panties before I leave but life is more fun as an adventure. I like being able to sleep in my bed with out getting bit by bugs or eaten or murdered but up to a point what is comfort and security? If I have gotten some sleep it is time to get out of the house and cut up and joke around. It is not always easy. I have been real sleepy and lazy today. Too much sleep and naps in the previous days. I was looking to avoid a manic state and may have put myself on the depressed track.

RiKD    United States. Apr 23 2017 08:00. Posts 4530

What about if a girl you like is single? Surely, she will have multiple suitors. Then the game is on. Why not just ask her to dinner and have a chat? I am who I am. If she does not like it that is too bad. Should I change who I am? I think in many ways we can not change who we are. We can go for a better job, a nicer apartment.... I don't expect a girl to fall head over heels for a guy still living with his parents and no job. These things can be changed. I should not try to be someone I am not. That never works. Wearing masks and acting (poorly) is not attractive, desirable, sustainable, enjoyable, et al. Life is an adventure! Be who we are with dignity and authenticity!

failsafe   United States. Apr 23 2017 17:51. Posts 1013

Well, I am dating the same girl I have been dating 7 years. lol.

we are not very likely to break up. but we are always in danger as you will see. she has a best friend who i don't mind her spending time with. but i don't like to spend time with them together because i don't like the conversations.

last time i got together with them we had an online web chat, which was OK. i learned a lot of stuff about masochism and the middle east.

since my gf is a statistician (and i almost a statistician) -- we have degrees in economics -- we have talked about questions like "whether this is too robust to exist"

so you see sometimes like in johnny depp's movie which iis great -- the movie is called don juan de marco. it's really funny. at one point he is captured by terrorists and placed in a harem with 1,000 women.

i tried talking to my gf and her best friend about this. is it really fair? girls, in my opinion seem to be something more like extroverted sadists, and i told her she might get relief from seeing herself as an extroverted sadist. since she agrees to me, she will talk about this sometimes. without compromising our relationship she sees herself as a introverted masochist only in our relationship.

but could we be arrested for having a conversation of this nature? sometimesi feel like we might--what if living in a harem were the only robust way to preserve your safety? of course it isn't, so there is no way to live in this environment.

therefore we are not spending much time together with her best friend all the time because it is too robust. if it were fair to everyone it could be performed with dignity and authenticity....

here is our math in raw form it is only the pascal's triangle


_____1_____ (unknown)
____1_1____ (priest class)
___1_2_1___ (balanced monogamy)
__1_3_3_1___ (imbalanced polygamy (??))

notes about binomial theorem: According to the theorem, it is possible to expand the polynomial (x + y)^n into a sum involving terms of the form a?x^b?y^c, where the exponents b and c are nonnegative integers with b + c = n

Trinomial Expansion

we have looked at some other renderings of the don juan demarco scenario.... therefore there might be some imbalances because for instance women cannot reproduce without men (statistically) and men cannot reproduce without women (statistically).

so we cannot decide if there is balanced monogamy.

since my girlfriend is chinese, she has been trying to defeat or disprove the common meme that all chinese women are gay. neither of us believes this in my opinion. my conclusion is some renderings like the famous mandelbrot set and the set presented by douglas hofstadter might represent "fat" (which may disagree with society). obviously there are some real worries about polygamy and whether it is OK. it may be notOK for two reasons: either it is better or it is worse. but surely it must fit into some universal architectures, the same as surely we believe bisexuality or homosexuality to be compatible with some universal architectures.

obviously from my standpoint as a student of philosophy it would be better if all universal architectures supported necessary conclusions like the acceptance of homosexuality. on the other hand i get some weird conclusions in the case of monogamous sexuality where the ratio is

1:1:1 couples and 2;2:2 individual humans. technically this could happen that everyone is involved in a monogamous relationship, but it seems more and more improbable when i think about it in the mathematical context.

positive positivity 

failsafe   United States. Apr 23 2017 18:14. Posts 1013

i dunno i have a lot of confidence these days in my friend the hindu yogi removing hexes. i believe he's going face perfectly for the benefit of everyone. obviously i have a long history of getting really tilted at some "satanic" philosophies that "no one can help you", and i feel like it's alright for tiki to help us remove hexes if he's the best at going face. he seems pretty useless if he can't help anyone with anything. but he's obviously not useless and must exist therefore he should be able to co-exist with us...

i dunno

positive positivity 

RiKD    United States. Apr 23 2017 20:29. Posts 4530

I am pretty open minded towards polygamy and polyamorous situations. It does not feel the most realistic to me. I just picture it working out a lot better amongst men who have a lot of money and resources. The sheiks in the Middle East being the most likely or a dictator like Fidel Castro. Of course there are the Mormons as well. It could just be the way I was programmed but most of the time I desire monogamy. If I want a polyamorous situation I will just date many women and see what happens. Many women are likely not cool with that but many women likely do understand the terms of DATING and not RELATIONSHIP. I guess I would never throw it in a woman's face that I am dating multiple people but if she is smart there are subtle signs that would get the motors in the brain working. Either way I think it is of benefit to always be dating multiple woman. One never wants to put too much stock in one woman too soon. What am I really talking about though? I have virtually 0 women right now. I just know having multiple options has worked in the past and it will work in the future. I am leaving in less than a week anyways. My only hope... No. The realistic path is to just enjoy it and enjoy the people and enjoy the time I have left. The fantasy is finding myself in a conversation with a woman that always wanted to fuck me and she is really horny and we sneak off to the diner by her house for some coffee and then make it to her place to make it. That is the fantasy. It always is. It is always there.

I can be both introverted and extraverted. I am both sadistic and masochistic.

Today, I am wearing the sexy boots and the cardigan. I am going to a hipster gastropub and it just seems like the right thing to do. Food may be taking over my life again. It is always a part of it. My scale ran out of batteries. That is not a good thing.

If I don't have a drink or take any drugs today I will have not done that in 3 years. What is going through my mind is that it does not really matter. What is the quality of my life? The quality of my life is much better than it was 3 years ago. Way better. That is all that really matters. It seems like I always want more. I want the happy ending. I want graduation. That is never going to happen. I have been reading a lot of buddhist literature recently. I like the idea of boddichita, of living with an open and warm heart. I like the idea of being aware of attachments. I am always going to want more comfort. Even if I am wrapped up in a blanket on a cool October night next to a fire under the stars I still might want something. I might want a cigar. Even if I am making $70k, I want a bonus, I want to make $80k. These things might not be the case today. I am ok with who I am. I realize in the past many times I did not need more. Pema Chodron talks a lot about being open, loving, and kind. Leaving the house and going on adventures and appreciating beauty. Helping others. The hindu yogi that can remove hexes should be removing hexes. There are hexes we all can remove. That is true for me if I am having a deep conversation with a friend or really getting down to it and having a deep conversation with a suffering alcoholic. I always come back to love, beauty, transcendence, spending time with family and friends, being grateful, being helpful, and maybe getting in some form of exercise. I don't like it to be so formulaic though. It all starts with a shower and brushing my teeth. Doing something with my hair. At least I am not blow drying it and obsessing about it anymore. I had friends say I should not buzz cut it. That my hair is too pretty and nice to cut it all off. So, I listened and am going more beach bum about it. Put a little product in and let the natural waves of the ocean and my hair work it all out. It is appropriate for my move to the beach. Well, 10 min. drive from where I am living. I just have to put some product in and mess it about. No combing. I will see how it goes.

RiKD    United States. Apr 24 2017 00:42. Posts 4530

So, I was being treated to dinner today. $26 entree. In a way I did not want to like it. Most of my meals don't go over $15 anymore. There was a time when none of this was even really a thought but here I am. Anyways, it is a hip gastropub. Almost impossible to get a seat in the place. Rated best restaurant in Pittsburgh by many. One of those type of joints. I did not want to like it but they were playing good music. I got the duck with butternut squash grits and swiss chard. It was amazing. Cooked to perfection. I could not help but really enjoy it and enjoy my time there.


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