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dysthemia |
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sawseech Canada. Feb 18 2010 00:46. Posts 3182 | | |
aka. the legend of the horizontal green line
aka. the legend of the hidden choke monkey
(i wrote this a month ago)
when my brain exploded the first time it was fine. it took me awhile to get back, but eventually i got back to a point where i felt that i had recovered and was in control of my faculties.
let's rewind for a moment. it's 2000 woteva. i'm playing nl4 and taking confident stabs at 6 and 10 and i know that i can beat these fucking games with time. i don't even know what i'm doing. i just sorta sit there and fucking zen it. pattern recognition shit, yomi layer 3 shit. what is he doing, what does he want me to do, what is he liable to have. ok, now what's the line of best fit? what's my hand again? ok. sweet. i even have a script in my head about how i should act as i do whatever i'm about to do. ok, it's time, only this isn't even a conscious thought, it's just sense. pure sense. execute. stuff moves around the screen. the money flows in. site doesn't matter, i sit wherever, i play whatever, i win.
lalala my brain explodes. i recover, or at least i think that i've recovered. i win 140 buyins in some month with similar results for the few before and after, but it's a smaller game. it's embarrasing. the fuck am i doing down here? do i really have it all back? 95*4 is a bigger number than 140*1, and if my brain hadn't exploded the first time, it would be like 68*10, maybe. these are my thoughts. pussy faggot regrets, which are a bad thing to have, especially over things which i cannot control.
give it time kid.
then out of nowhere my brain explodes again. i manage to keep it quiet this time. months pass. i wait. i wait some more. the fuck is this horizontal greenline shit? this ain't me. now it looks like an EKG. what the fuck is this?
i grope around with my game for a year or so, trying to figure out why the shit doesn't work anymore. i used to lose like 10% of what i post here, and 13% of what i post there. hrm. this shit ain't right. i don't think that i'm doing anything differently, the raw defense and rates of aggression look the same, only it's not. something's changed.
and then i realize - it's cuz that zen shit, that pattern recognition shit, that yomi layer 3 shit, it's just gone man. vaporized. it died with the cells.
i realize that if i want to win at cash again, i need to completely overhaul everything about what i'm doing, and do so with constant awareness of my diminished capability to process information. this would probably take six months or so of sustained, uninterrupted effort and be a long motherfucking slog. play 10k hands. review pf here, there, and ya, there under X. modify. play 10k more hands, playing at most 4 tables, and apply. review. street by street, action by action.
fuck that shit. here's why:
mtts man. sngs. i've been murdering these things forever. even with an exploded brain i was murdering these things. with a twice exploded brain i'm still murdering these things. if i'd been playing the shit all along i'd be sitting on 300k. the fuck have i been doing? with a 2k roll i could generate 18/hr at fucking 12/180s, the liberian pisshole of the internet. i'm rolled for 100s+. why have i played 600k hands of b/e cash after not rakeback?
right. pride. the memory of the brain that was, residing in the brain that is.
fuck pride.
-w
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| lets go fucking mental la la la la lets go fucking mental lets go fucking mental lala la la | Last edit: 18/02/2010 00:47 |
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Silver_nz New Zealand. Feb 18 2010 00:57. Posts 5647 | | |
braaaaaains
Brain enhancing drugs would be nice |
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dafcnz Canada. Feb 18 2010 01:33. Posts 303 | | |
every blog i read from op leaves me completely puzzled.
kinda like
wat? |
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sawseech Canada. Feb 18 2010 02:45. Posts 3182 | | | |
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| lets go fucking mental la la la la lets go fucking mental lets go fucking mental lala la la | |
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Big_Rob_48 United States. Feb 18 2010 03:40. Posts 3432 | | |
this is actually a very straightforward post. I feel the same way about my game too...... |
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| My AIM sn if you want to chat: YoRobbyMiller | |
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sawseech Canada. Feb 18 2010 04:29. Posts 3182 | | |
the purpose of the post isn't to say that i sucked at poker because i clearly don't; it's basically impossible for someone like me to suck at poker
it's that dysthemia feeds on itself vigorously leading to these types of thought processes and cycles of confusion which i now reveal to the world with no shame
-william |
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| lets go fucking mental la la la la lets go fucking mental lets go fucking mental lala la la | |
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you seem like a very interesting person
googling dysthemia asap |
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i fit like 100% of the diagnostic criteria wtf |
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whamm! Albania. Feb 18 2010 06:47. Posts 11625 | | |
be a writer instead imo. u write really well |
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sawseech Canada. Feb 18 2010 09:16. Posts 3182 | | |
| | On February 18 2010 05:47 whamm! wrote:
be a writer instead imo. u write really well |
i'm already on it |
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| lets go fucking mental la la la la lets go fucking mental lets go fucking mental lala la la | |
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