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Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago in the psych ward. I get woken up by 2 20 something blonde beauties who are required by their jobs to take my vitals. So, they roll me out of bed and have their hands on me. I start to chub up. I was not touched by a beautiful women since maybe last spring. It makes me realize the more or less banality of staring at my computer for so many hours in a day. The banality it always was. Poker allowed me a pretty fascinating life there for a while and for that i am grateful but i think i need to be weary of anything that requires me to stare at a screen all day in order to "solve" something. "Pink skies will keep you warm." - Frank Ocean. There is a facet of myself that likes the idea of being bisexual or pan or whatever you call it. Sometimes i wonder to myself if i would fuck Frank Ocean to orgasm if he would have me. I suppose i am open to the idea but what i would really want is Mia Malkova.

That is just the way i am wired for better or for worse. I think the one nurse noticed the chubby as she seemed slightly uncomfortable around me but there was nothing i could really do to control it. In the mornings i am horny and hungry. We ate breakfast at 8am every day but it is not like there were conjugal visits. I suppose i should be grateful too for some measure of virility i still possess. That will slowly decay like everything else although i guess today there are reliable pills to take. Then, there was the nurse who walked in on me taking a shit. Not the most flattering position especially since i have a relatively small flaccid penis but whatever she is the one who hastily opened the door. I don't think i ever really learned to get comfortable with my small flaccid penis like other generations did. Then, before i knew it i was watching pornography with 100% absurdly large penis. Maybe it ended up working up in my favor because i felt i had to make up for it with my lips and tongue. At the end of the day i feel like most straight women want to be dicked down as well with a fully erect penis and let out an i am woman hear me roar sentiment. I certainly do not have a thick 10'' penis but have never received complaints besides ones that were whiskey dick related. Not like we can do anything about that anyways besides figure out how to best get lifted. I have seen lesbians have great sex on many occasion so thankfully, i have large hands and IT is thicker and larger than my middle finger and ring finger so if they request some cock there is enough there to have a good time for the both of us. I think a lot of women see this as validation of their own sexiness. A naturally lubricated vagina taking a fully erect penis and it seems like everything in the universe is ok at least for those impermanent moments. I encourage the woman to not be shy in stimulating the clitoris at her pleasure... it is pretty clear that i miss women and that i miss sex.

One of my friends in the psych ward talked about his harem of women. He is 58. They are 20s and 30s. Pretty good i thought. He said it was based off of his purchasing power and also drug use. Of course he is likely good at sex and discrete. I don't know if i ever want a harem. It was on this website somewhere that i talked about a line of women out of the door... Kate Upton, Chrissie Tiegan, Laetitia Casta, et al... at what point do you get bored and want to move on to doing something else? Maybe a rotation of dating 2-3 women is ideal until you catch feelings duh duh duh... i may never have the purchasing power of dressing up smartly and paying for a dinner date at the best sushi place in town ever again... but if a horny woman wants to put out the bat signal i could cover for some taco bell, Legend of Zelda, and mutual orgasms until we are sick of touching each other. I wouldn't say a thing either. Not even if i were getting water boarded by the CIA. A strong character in the psych ward told me that i will never be content with just 1 woman. That i am a descendent of kings. Allegedly i am a descendent of Richard The Lionhearted and one of his muses. I don't know if i believe that. I also don't know if i believe in open arrangements similar to Jean Paul-Sartre + Simone de Beauvoir or similar anarchic arrangements. I think for me if the brain chemistry and muses lead me to 1 woman that i stay with that one woman with out cheating for as long as it lasts. Who knows?

Richard I (8 September 1157 – 6 April 1199). lolwat :D

That was kind of weird to go over portions of my sexual history and discuss my small flaccid penis. It just felt like the right thing to do at the time.

I was watching this YouTube video by Mexie and Abbie Martin that i thought was pretty good. They were talking at the end about how their are millions of people on the Earth suffering RIGHT NOW so what are we really doing? It struck a chord. I also re-read a book by Seth Godin called V is for Vulnerable that tends to inspire me. One thing he is a big proponent of is "Art not shipped is not Art." So, i had done this painting of Mexie ages ago. It was after i had a sort of awakening moment with my painting that i could do whatever i wanted and it didn't matter so i actually quite like it. I decided to send it to her and thank her for doing her part in radicalizing me (Marine as well). I ended up sending it to the wrong email address and then just forwarding it to the correct one instead of just writing a new email. Anyway, they probably get a crazy amount of emails and maybe it is a little cringe to send someone a painting of themselves like "hear ya go!" I will never be shy about my inspirations and muses though but i can also see that receiving art from a stranger would be weird. I was a bit manic and went on to talk about meeting in Vexin, France which seems to be a consistent raison d'etre in my life for the past 4 years. I was thinking about that this morning and realized flying into Paris and getting hotels or trying to transport to Vexin, France would be pretty costly. By far too costly for even myself the crazy 1 man with the vision. Maybe we scrap that but it is still a fun metaphor. The only people that could afford to come would be influencers promoting bullshit flying in on their private jets. Yes, i definitely need to update the idea.

Maybe i shouldn't put so much stock on what Seth Godin says. He is more or less a bullshit marketing guy after all. A "bullshit" marketing guy that speaks some truth at least on some occasions. I recently threw out a bunch of my artwork because it was taking up too much space and i was trying to minimize. I regret throwing out a lot of that work. It just seemed like such a waste. A pile of acrylic on canvas just sitting out there by the trash can. People have said i should try and monetize this hobby of mine. My strongest reason not to is because i do it as a mean-in-itself which means i do it for the sake of doing it. To monetize it might ruin it. I went crazy with a unit of pink paint the other day and had 0 fucks of how much dollar amount paint i was using costs. About a week ago i woke up and found myself working on 2 paintings for a while. I have thought about both of those paintings in the last week but i don't really know how i want to proceed so i just do other stuff and don't give a shit. There is also the fear that none of my stuff would sell. I have had non-family and non-friends say they would be interested in buying some of my stuff but to try and survive off of that doesn't seem fun. Artwork is kind of like some people would just like to get a fair price on something they like which is cool but then there is this idea of what some shadow culture critiques the painting to be worth. I mean Picasso's should be valuable. The guy was an artistic genius and his dad was an elite painting and drawing instructor. One biography said Picasso was making photo realistic drawings at 3 and had pretty much mastered realism paintings by 12. I don't even really understand how he did some of his Cubist paintings. But, art is weird. My last Psychiatrist did not like Picasso. Not because she did not like how he treated women or anything like that but she did not like his art. Picasso's art has literally zero value to her. Now, of course, a $100 million scarce asset store of value would have value to her but i am talking about his art. Is a Picasso painting carefully stored inside a vault art?

Another example is Rothko. For practice i have created some of my own "Rothkos." Some of the ones i have done in oil on canvas to the untrained/unstudied eye might be a toss up. But to me who has studied a lot of Rothko and is somewhat trained they are not even close. There is a lot that Rothko does to manipulate the paint in a certain way to get the effect that he is looking for. I have always found Rothko's blocks of color absolutely wonderful but i know people who think they are unimaginative shit.

Anyway, i don't know if there is a point. The point is i will do my best to avoid employment if at all possible. Employment, especially employment with a corporate entity is equal to a totalitarian regime. Thankfully, i have some tax refunds headed to my checking account that could keep me alive for maybe 2 more months. My parents have been a bit more helpful since i ended up in the psych ward again of no real fault of my own. The goal here is not to manipulate my parents into providing for my survival. I go back and forth. I didn't sign any consent forms to be here and in many ways existence is a bum deal but it is also not a great thing to just mooch and exist. Since i am already here may as well take a shot at making existence better for myself and others. I don't think the option of suicide should be off the table... I just don't think i am there... yet. Ideally, one day when my body and mind have decayed beyond a certain point i just take a nap and die with my cat in my lap. I would wager that for most people since the decay is slow that levels of decay that are probably outside of the spectrum for someone who is 35 become more acceptable as one gets older. There is also a lot of anecdotal evidence that people are willing to accept situations they mostly couldn't even comprehend before it happened to them. I am thinking of situations like getting into a bad accident and only being able to communicate by blinking and situations like that. Somehow people survive Guantanamo Bay and similarly outsourced torture centers around the globe.

But, anyways, so, i have about 2 months of living expenses hitting my checking account at some point. I thought for sure we would get at least $1,400 in our accounts by the time i got out of the Psych Ward even though Joe Biden went on record for $2,000 and all those fuckers know it but they don't give a shit. I am now certainly not holding my breath. Maybe a funny aspect of the Psych Ward is that i didn't want to go because it was too expensive but they made me involuntary because when the doctor asked me if i was thinking about harming anyone i went on a rant about Nancy Pelosi which i thought was funny but the doctor did not. Next thing i knew i was getting put in handcuffs and being escorted over to the Psych Ward by 2 cops who seemed nice enough. Who knows how much this recent Psych Ward visit is going to pile on my medical debt?

Are those fuckers in congress even talking about getting us anything at this point?

My parents will not be vaccinated until mid April. It's not like some shitty job in the thick of things is even feasible. I'm gonna squeeze out $10/hr only to get Covid and end up killing my parents with it?

But, i guess, on the timeline of things it is looking like May i am going to be hit with a mac truck and be forced back into employment. If someone offered $10 million for all of my artwork i would obviously accept. The problem is i have no desire to find buyers or consistently create stuff on a schedule/routine. My "goal" has been the same since 2014. To reduce existential suffering and improve Life. I have a number of ideas. I would like to help curate spaces in all different kinds of areas to bring more beauty and joy to peoples' lives. I would also like to produce, direct, write, create, edit pornography. I am not completely against the male gaze as i don't think whamen fully understand our lizard brains and i would definitely be open to work with whamen because i certainly know that i don't completely understand whamen brains. I also think there is something to pounding one out to some caveman pounding one out to a well shaped backside or jiggling breasts and exaggerated moaning but overall, yes, pornography could be improved. But, really, is this worth my time? There are already many people working towards this and yeah if i take a second to think about it i would happily outsource this job to innovators already within that industry. We'll see if this opinion changes after i have a chat with a good friend who used to edit pornography. I just think we could do a better job at getting people off and helping them with their attitudes towards sex.

Overall, i have a lot of time to think about things and i enjoy that. I am trying to not give so much of my attention to social media. I have found myself simpin' a bit too hard for E-Girls but some of the time i am lonely and bored and sometimes the E-Girls are up to interesting things online. Much of the time they are not. As a collective there are many unique birds out there which sometimes brings me inspiration but then i go for a walk on a busy day at the beach and i am like "oh, there are unique birds in real life too." There are unique birds everywhere. I can look, i can talk, but i can not touch (yet). So, i think i am always carrying at least some level of frustration. Frustration at having no money, frustration at not having autonomy, frustration at lacking connection, frustration at lacking touch. There is also a frustration that all of my crackpot ideas are not going anywhere which is actually false. Upon investigation I am not alone. Many of my ideas are already fleshed out by others i have never met or talked to. I can be frustrated that these ideas are not being adapted fast enough. I think about that a lot. There are millions of people suffering and struggling right now and i am spending time, focus, energy watching some attractive women too young for me play a video game i have no interest in...

I have been grinding Daria though. Steve is right. It is a good grind. It makes me laugh. It makes me feel less alone.

I have always been a bit of a wanderer. That has mostly been my natural cadence. Andante. Let me be.

I thought of another dullard play along the way. It was at my brother's wedding. I had been studying philosophy and hitting the weights super heavy for over a year and felt ok. I was in the 230s at less than 15% body fat so borderline gorilla but at least i could fit into a tailored suit and not look silly. A problem was that i compared myself to a crew of marines and other assorted maniacs in the gym who were mostly taking steroids and making a career out of it. I also compared myself to Brad Pitt as Achilles in Troy. So, i mostly focused on The Lacking and not The Existing. It is not a great place to be because my self-esteem was tied up into something i could basically never have.

But, besides the whole impossible struggle for a perfect body i am feeling pretty good at my brother's wedding. I do a great job at the Best Man's speech. People seem to really like it. There were laughs and there were tears. I was feeling a bit high from it and my brother's wedding and i was still drinking back then and could control it pretty well at this time.

So, at the reception people are drinking and dancing and having a good time. I notice this attractive woman kind of dancing peripherally. We make eye contact and she sort of latches on to me. So, we are dancing and talking. She has a very pretty face. Gorgeous eyes. Wonderful red hair and a remarkable shape. PAWG Champ. It is one of my sister in law's best friends. Cool. She asks me if i want to go to x bar?

•••

I don't even remember what the fuck i said but it was not a decisive "Yes, let us go to x bar. (We can drink a couple of neat whiskies and then have fun drunk sex at your place)." I think i said something like "Nah, i think i am going to just hang out with my family..." Dude, she is like 24 with proper makeup in a cocktail dress absolutely gorgeous going out on a limb and asking me to sleep with her as long as i don't fuck it up at the bar !!! And my dumb ass fucks it up before the bar. I wasn't a mega-virgin at this point but holy shit i think i had to honestly ask myself if i was asexual.

This woman was forever kind of pissed at me for turning her down. Which is a shame because she still is beautiful and i want her. I think the killer here is that she was basically looking the best that she will ever look in her life AND went out on a limb and asked me to move venues. Furthermore, hanging out with family the last 3 days meant falling asleep while my cousin read A Song of Ice and Fire: A Storm of Swords.

I felt like a complete moron packed together with my drunk ass family on the shuttle bus back to the hotel. Luckily, my cousin somehow found a shit ton of free good beer and a handful of us got drunk and had good conversations into the morning. Looking back i think i actually value that time with my family more so than the 15 or 20 or so minutes M and i would have spent touching each other. Of course, if we had fun touching each other maybe there is more touching each other the next day and some pancakes and more fun touching each other on other days...

Tough spot.

The last time I saw M was at my nephew's birthday party a couple of years ago which is near Halloween. I was a pirate who was probably 20 lbs. overweight for the costume to be considered "sexy." She had aged very well. She was wearing a witch outfit that had nothing "sexy" about it besides the fact that she was in it. We made eye contact from across the room and from my memory she literally rolled her eyes and avoided me the rest of the party...

I ended up in a gay bar with my sister and her friends leaning on a wall in the corner sipping on club soda and lime contemplating life...

I thought that that might be the very worst possible place to pick up a straight woman and feel less alone...

To be fair though my sister's friends were hilarious and the club was entertaining.