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Midnight Thoughts

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RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2019 06:09. Posts 5581
I'm closest to my dreams twice a day. I'm pretty close to my dreams right now.

My therapist today questioned whether or not activism was for me. I seem to always talk about it but I don't do anything. In one sense it is possible that it is not for me but on the other hand at this point in my life it seems like one of the only things. Educating myself is part of the process.

She asked me what I fantasize about my life being. I said Paris, France. That's just what I said at the time. I could have probably said something "better." The fact is I don't know if my life would be better in Paris, France. I could have said Sasha Grey and Faye Reagan in my King size bed. I honestly don't know what it would look like but my recent vacation sheds some insight into it. I think any vacation does. With that said I spend quite a bit of time at some place of work to earn a living. That's been a struggle my whole life. I want to treat it as a project that I don't have illusions of immortality and certainly not something that is going to be self-exploitive. I want to help people. Not because I am Jesus but because that is all there really is in this life. I don't want to help my boss get a bonus or my company to be more profitable either. I want to eat food and paint and do stuff. I want to somehow try and cover these massive medical bills for psychiatry and therapy. It's like I'm shit out of luck no matter where I go but I need at least psychiatry and honestly feel that therapy helps but therapy is a slippery slope. I can't not go to a Psychiatrist with my conditions but I'm not going to literally be in dire straights if I don't see a therapist. A therapist is a good spot to just like get real with me and push me on just exactly what the fuck am I doing with my life which it feels like I need that. Sometimes it feels that nothing is helping and I am just floating through life. I don't know. I honestly think these days many of us are floating through life we just don't like to admit it or there is just not really any other option. I think Sisyphus has a smile on his face sometimes but certainly not all the time or even most of the time. I get a reprieve from all of that on occasion when I paint. We all take showers, brush our teeth, put on our shoes, and all the other tedious things that sometimes make my life feel exactly the same everyday. I know I can't be the only one out there who feels this way at least from time to time. As Fight Club says we were raised on movies and rock n' roll or whatever Fight Club says. Chuck P has a point. Hell, I partied with Dan Bilzerian. That is supposed to be the pinnacle of life am I right? Well, I can't lie it was pretty fun and memorable... Should I be sad that I don't have an Instagram account? It's really no skin off my back. So, what do I want? I want friends around a campfire, a hike in the forest, some good museums, some good coffee, a fire Thai curry, a walk on the beach, a local coffee shop, a walk around town, some good sex, cats, a good novel.... notice I didn't list activism anywhere. A protest doesn't even cross my mind.

I've never been on a protest so not that surprising I wouldn't think of it. I think it is the kind of adventure that would be something positive in my life. Fight Club is a pretty brilliant story I think I may re-read the book or re-watch the movie. It's about getting out of the hum drum aspects of life. Our generation may get it but the one coming up may get it better. I don't know what our generation is. I want more out of life but don't know what and may or may not be willing to "do what it takes." I want to carve out a piece of life that's just ok ya know? Good enough. It's like I want to be Thoreau and live in the forest except I want that forest to be Paris, France. Except I don't really need that. The city I'm currently in is nice enough as it is. Oh well. I've written enough as it is. Ciao. Au revoir. Buenos Noches.

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Obannon112   Finland. Jul 30 2019 10:31. Posts 34

All the activists I know are fucking losers. You should make money and move to Paris or whatever you wanna do.


RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2019 18:01. Posts 5581

Making money and moving to Paris is not that realistic. As I said I look to be exploited by employers as little as possible and even more so I look to not exploit myself. Activism just feels like my only option although I know that not to be true. Also, I am tentative to take your suggestion because you call people losers.


Santafairy   Korea (South). Jul 30 2019 18:48. Posts 1504

respecting the fact that you need meaning, you don't want to be an activist, it will ultimately make things more unstable

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

Stroggoz   New Zealand. Jul 30 2019 20:49. Posts 4362

dissident activism is a very meaningful profession but the least financiall/wellbeing reward of any work. serious activism is not an adventure but the most difficult work.

supposed to have greenstar not braceletLast edit: 30/07/2019 20:50

RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2019 04:06. Posts 5581


  On July 30 2019 17:48 Santafairy wrote:
respecting the fact that you need meaning, you don't want to be an activist, it will ultimately make things more unstable



Oh no. Big bad chaos. What I need is order blah blah blah.


RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2019 04:33. Posts 5581

The most difficult work? Count me OUT then. Fuck. I just want to sit on my comfy Norwegian chair and have Kate Upton feed me grapes. I'm actually pretty clueless on what it takes. No great protests are happening in my city. It's very much a hedonist city. I might feel silly going down to the capital building with a climate change sign by myself. My city has been rated the best place to travel to for like 7 years in a row by some major travel magazine. There isn't a lot of dissidence from my perspective. Everyone is in this bubble of "Southern Charm." Except for this one time I was manic and abandoned my family at a restaurant because I couldn't handle the Bro and Sorority feel of where we were eating. I walked through the projects to get some cigarettes and came across the most amazing little area. There was a turquoise, red and black USA flag flying and a tribute to some Black Muslim activist. It made my day. But, otherwise this place is pretty backwards and behind the times.


RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2019 05:32. Posts 5581

Midnight Thoughts Part II

It's about meaning . What is meaning?

I remember I wrote on here how it would get old if supermodels just marched into your room to have a romantic time and then eventually sleep with them. That is kind of a wild, far fetched, convoluted scenario. I guess I have grown somewhat to realize that. I used to think that was winning. Getting a model into the sack. I used to love terms like winning and losers. The truth is that even if activism is the most difficult work it must be attempted. It has to be attempted. This world is fucked. How could we not?

I think it can be equated to veganism. i would love to eat what I want but I don't because I am making a statement for animal liberation. Not every day am I going to be painting every waking hour. Maybe I would like to paint. Maybe I would like to fuck Kate Upton. The ladder is a fantasy. Part of the problem is I don't have a lot of options on what i do with my free time. So, in reality going to a protest is not a big deal. It's not like I have this vast amount of super interesting friends. I'm not going skydiving or anything like that. I'm mostly doing chores, running errands, painting, wallowing in existential turmoil, reading, etc.

There's this drug addict in me that wants the High. I don't like feeding my cats, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, making breakfast, making coffee in the same manner every day. I want the high of being in the flow of painting and listening to a truly great song I've never heard for the first time. I even get some decent flow states at work. Is that what it is, flow states?

In the midsts of some decent contemplative lingering is pretty cool too. Like a scent. I walked past a woman today and she had just the right amount of perfume on for the situation. Like I couldn't smell her when I was walking up to her but as she walked by I got a glimpse of her scent and it lingered for a few more seconds as I walked past. It was quite lovely. That's how I want to think but with the scent lingering a little longer. That's how Byung-Chul Han lives. He is a hero. That's definitely a fantasy. Move to Berlin and take his courses. My German is so rusty though and it never was all that good. Berlin just seems like such a vibrant city.

But, I am here in the USA. Pretty much confined to my city. I need to make a life right here right now.


Santafairy   Korea (South). Jul 31 2019 05:55. Posts 1504


  On July 31 2019 03:06 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



Oh no. Big bad chaos. What I need is order blah blah blah.

okay you misunderstood and playing shit on JBP

just speaking from my own experience, having been broke, directionless, empty, depressed, it doesn't seem like the answer for you.

do you think (more) chaos would help you? you may be different so it's possible. I'm not saying to avoid challenge, rather you need to challenge yourself as well as face external challenges, yes of course

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2019 18:33. Posts 5581

What is the answer? What was your answer?

Activism isn't necessarily more chaos. I would be meeting people within the community and working on a worthwhile project.


RiKD    United States. Aug 01 2019 03:10. Posts 5581

Also, I am not broke. It's a relative term but I don't feel broke. I don't have any bill collectors after me (at the moment). I've learned how to live on a low income. I don't splash around like I used to and that is ok. Money is not the problem. Capitalism is the problem.

I would say I am more or less directionless. That is also the problem. My labor gets exploited for a certain amount of hours each week and then I try and figure out how to get my kicks. Whether that's painting or writing on here listening to Coltrane. At work it's like am I a pizza artist or a pizza making robot? Am I trying to make people happy with a good pie or am I just surviving? The one good thing about work as I have said before is I can get into some pretty good flow states but there has got to be something better for me than just sometimes mindlessly making food for people. Let's say I make 20-40 pizzas in a day. It's hard to make all of those with passion and care. So, then it's like what's the difference? What is the difference? As long as it's good enough what's the difference? It's always about making the pizzas faster, better and then I'm in a self-exploitation trap. The directionless'ness comes in in that I don't know what I want to do next and don't know how I am going get there.

I don't feel empty. Especially when I am painting or listening to Coltrane. Not even when that stops do I feel empty. I just feel bored, existential despair is the worst I get but I don't feel empty.

I am not depressed.


RiKD    United States. Aug 01 2019 03:38. Posts 5581

I am not into the superficial or peacocking as Dr. Cornel West and a man mysteriously named Mystery talk about. I no longer care what the mainstream think or want. Even if that means I don't get laid or have any friends. I don't get laid and I don't have many friends and it's alright. I do want joy. I want my soul touched and I want my soul to touch others. Dr. West also spoke of making our grandmothers proud in their graves. I can get behind that. It's about ending capitalism too. As far fetched as that sounds. Liberation. Freedom. Having the courage to do what we want.


RiKD    United States. Aug 01 2019 05:13. Posts 5581

Midnight Thoughts Part III

I met Cleopatra one time. I had sex with Cleopatra one time. What a night. What a morning. She had black thong lingerie. I felt like a king lying in bed watching her pull those black panties on. XOXO and we parted ways forever? The chances of ever running into her again are slim at best. At least I had a night with Cleopatra.

I want to see Nirvana but I don't wanna die shit - Frank Ocean

Rolling marijuana is a cheap vacation - Frank Ocean

I don't need Cleopatra. I don't need her shape or her moxy. I don't need her more than adequately wet pink matter. When the skies are pink take some time and linger for a moment. Sweetness, gentleness, and love are appropriate (at any time). I miss her kisses. I miss a lot of kisses and hugs to be honest. I don't need Cleopatra though. That was one night of perfect in the past. You won't find me drinking in clubs these days. It's a handicap in that area for sure. Now, I just compulsively paint to deal with the PAIN. Sometimes I wish I could smoke some weed laced with novocaine. But, champagne for the pain weed for the low got me in a baddd spot. It's funny some guys call it chasing girls. The point is to be so badass that you basically attract them like a black hole. The gravitational pull is so strong that they all want you and they all want you because they all want you. That's the easiest way to get women. Just play 2 or 3 or more against each other. I was talking to a HOT BLONDE when Cleopatra and I locked eyes. Anyways, I don't need Cleopatra. I need soul, something beyond superficial. Something substantial.


RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2019 04:47. Posts 5581

Midnight Thoughts Part IV

The Quest for Love and Unity. Is it possible?

I only painted part of 1 painting today. Leo Tolstoy. He has touched my soul on multiple occasions with multiple works. It's like I don't quite have the painting inspiration today though. I did finish "The Trial" by Kafka though and would suggest that for sure. I'm listening to some Fela Kuti and would suggest that as well. Not a whole lot to report. Just another day. Just one of those whatever days that aren't too bad in isolation but maybe it gets a bit frustrating if too many of those pile up. I can still read some more which always makes the day feel more valuable or nourishing.


RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 04:01. Posts 5581

Midnight Thoughts Part V

I went for a walk on the beach today. It was rather nice. I was really lingering with a lot of thoughts. For some reason I couldn't stop thinking about Nietzsche's eternal re-occurance. If you had to live your life over and over again for an eternity how would you feel about that?

I'm reading this book called "Flow." It's buttering me up quite nicely. The next part of the book is called "The Pathway to Liberation." I'm a bit skeptical but it's been pretty on point so far. I was singing a Kanye song on the beach "I just wanna be liberated I I I I just wanna be liberated ah ah ah I just wanna be liberated." So, we'll see where this book goes.

There was a wedding where one of the women wanted to get laid by me and all I had to do is play my cards ok and it was a done deal but I chickened out. It was weird as the night before I had some menage action with 2 random women from a bar. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself even though all our friends would have given it all the blessings. Just weird. It happened to me at another wedding my sister in law's best friend asked me to leave with her and I said no I'd rather hang out with my family..... Damn, fucking gorgeous red head with a booty.... Sorry cuz we can chat about Game of Thrones some other time, shiiieeeetttttt.

I was feeling very Being and Nothingness earlier today. Nothingness fsdkhgjakkgdkfj Being dskjfhdjksgkdg Nothingness. Or, maybe _ NothingnessBeingNothingness. I painted Sartre with a somewhat despairing look on his face looking at a tree. Would I share the same fate on my walk. Nauseous at the sand. No, I felt the breeze and watched some birds and it took me away to the Tao te Ching and that I should re-read it. So much to read so little time. And, when I have "Flow" offering me up the "Pathway to Liberation" in the Introduction to the book how could I not read further. I also need to get to some Anton Chekov. If Nabokov and Dr. Cornel West say he's a must read he's a must read as far as I'm concerned. I'm in that spot where I'm charging my Kindle and want it to charge all the way to 100% before I continue reading errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 05:43. Posts 5581

There is an assembly line worker named Rico somewhere on the planet that takes pride and loves his work. He is required to average 43 seconds on his particular cog in the wheel but Rico treats it as an Olympic event and has gotten the time down to 28 seconds over 600 pieces in a day. Is Rico a self-exploited achievement-subject? Is he crazy? Or, is he smarter than most of us?


RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 05:50. Posts 5581

If there really was a crisis this big, then we would rarely talk about anything else. As soon as you turned on the TV, almost everything would be about that: headlines, radio, newspaper. You would almost never hear about anything else. And the politicians would surely have done what was needed by now, wouldn't they? They would hold crisis meetings all the time, declare climate emergencies everywhere, and spend all their waking hours handling the situation and informing the people what was going on. But it never was like that. The climate crisis was just treated like any other issue or even less than that... And we must admit that we are losing this battle... Most of us don't know almost any of the basic facts, because how could we? We have not been told.

This is the biggest crisis humanity has ever faced. For too long, the people in power have gotten away with basically not doing anything to stop the climate and ecological breakdown. They have gotten away with stealing our future and selling it for profit. But we young people are waking up. And we promise, we will not let you get away with it anymore.

– Greta Thunberg


Baalim   Mexico. Aug 03 2019 07:08. Posts 32902

You want comfort and models feeding you grapes but you don't want to work for it, no wonder you've become a leftist lol

Ex-PokerStars Team Pro Online 

Loco   Canada. Aug 03 2019 14:02. Posts 19940


  On August 03 2019 04:50 RiKD wrote:
If there really was a crisis this big, then we would rarely talk about anything else. As soon as you turned on the TV, almost everything would be about that: headlines, radio, newspaper. You would almost never hear about anything else. And the politicians would surely have done what was needed by now, wouldn't they? They would hold crisis meetings all the time, declare climate emergencies everywhere, and spend all their waking hours handling the situation and informing the people what was going on. But it never was like that. The climate crisis was just treated like any other issue or even less than that... And we must admit that we are losing this battle... Most of us don't know almost any of the basic facts, because how could we? We have not been told.

This is the biggest crisis humanity has ever faced. For too long, the people in power have gotten away with basically not doing anything to stop the climate and ecological breakdown. They have gotten away with stealing our future and selling it for profit. But we young people are waking up. And we promise, we will not let you get away with it anymore.

– Greta Thunberg



https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2...backwater-mississippi-flooding-months

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable. 

Santafairy   Korea (South). Aug 03 2019 18:13. Posts 1504


  On July 31 2019 17:33 RiKD wrote:
What is the answer? What was your answer?

Activism isn't necessarily more chaos. I would be meeting people within the community and working on a worthwhile project.


okay maybe I was being closed-minded with a tunnel vision preconception of libtard activists

if you can make a living by actually helping people go for it

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

 
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