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Midnight Thoughts

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RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2019 06:09. Posts 8442
I'm closest to my dreams twice a day. I'm pretty close to my dreams right now.

My therapist today questioned whether or not activism was for me. I seem to always talk about it but I don't do anything. In one sense it is possible that it is not for me but on the other hand at this point in my life it seems like one of the only things. Educating myself is part of the process.

She asked me what I fantasize about my life being. I said Paris, France. That's just what I said at the time. I could have probably said something "better." The fact is I don't know if my life would be better in Paris, France. I could have said Sasha Grey and Faye Reagan in my King size bed. I honestly don't know what it would look like but my recent vacation sheds some insight into it. I think any vacation does. With that said I spend quite a bit of time at some place of work to earn a living. That's been a struggle my whole life. I want to treat it as a project that I don't have illusions of immortality and certainly not something that is going to be self-exploitive. I want to help people. Not because I am Jesus but because that is all there really is in this life. I don't want to help my boss get a bonus or my company to be more profitable either. I want to eat food and paint and do stuff. I want to somehow try and cover these massive medical bills for psychiatry and therapy. It's like I'm shit out of luck no matter where I go but I need at least psychiatry and honestly feel that therapy helps but therapy is a slippery slope. I can't not go to a Psychiatrist with my conditions but I'm not going to literally be in dire straights if I don't see a therapist. A therapist is a good spot to just like get real with me and push me on just exactly what the fuck am I doing with my life which it feels like I need that. Sometimes it feels that nothing is helping and I am just floating through life. I don't know. I honestly think these days many of us are floating through life we just don't like to admit it or there is just not really any other option. I think Sisyphus has a smile on his face sometimes but certainly not all the time or even most of the time. I get a reprieve from all of that on occasion when I paint. We all take showers, brush our teeth, put on our shoes, and all the other tedious things that sometimes make my life feel exactly the same everyday. I know I can't be the only one out there who feels this way at least from time to time. As Fight Club says we were raised on movies and rock n' roll or whatever Fight Club says. Chuck P has a point. Hell, I partied with Dan Bilzerian. That is supposed to be the pinnacle of life am I right? Well, I can't lie it was pretty fun and memorable... Should I be sad that I don't have an Instagram account? It's really no skin off my back. So, what do I want? I want friends around a campfire, a hike in the forest, some good museums, some good coffee, a fire Thai curry, a walk on the beach, a local coffee shop, a walk around town, some good sex, cats, a good novel.... notice I didn't list activism anywhere. A protest doesn't even cross my mind.

I've never been on a protest so not that surprising I wouldn't think of it. I think it is the kind of adventure that would be something positive in my life. Fight Club is a pretty brilliant story I think I may re-read the book or re-watch the movie. It's about getting out of the hum drum aspects of life. Our generation may get it but the one coming up may get it better. I don't know what our generation is. I want more out of life but don't know what and may or may not be willing to "do what it takes." I want to carve out a piece of life that's just ok ya know? Good enough. It's like I want to be Thoreau and live in the forest except I want that forest to be Paris, France. Except I don't really need that. The city I'm currently in is nice enough as it is. Oh well. I've written enough as it is. Ciao. Au revoir. Buenos Noches.

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Obannon112   Finland. Jul 30 2019 10:31. Posts 43

All the activists I know are fucking losers. You should make money and move to Paris or whatever you wanna do.


RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2019 18:01. Posts 8442

Making money and moving to Paris is not that realistic. As I said I look to be exploited by employers as little as possible and even more so I look to not exploit myself. Activism just feels like my only option although I know that not to be true. Also, I am tentative to take your suggestion because you call people losers.


Santafairy   Korea (South). Jul 30 2019 18:48. Posts 2224

respecting the fact that you need meaning, you don't want to be an activist, it will ultimately make things more unstable

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

Stroggoz   New Zealand. Jul 30 2019 20:49. Posts 5290

dissident activism is a very meaningful profession but the least financiall/wellbeing reward of any work. serious activism is not an adventure but the most difficult work.

One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beingsLast edit: 30/07/2019 20:50

RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2019 04:06. Posts 8442


  On July 30 2019 17:48 Santafairy wrote:
respecting the fact that you need meaning, you don't want to be an activist, it will ultimately make things more unstable



Oh no. Big bad chaos. What I need is order blah blah blah.


RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2019 04:33. Posts 8442

The most difficult work? Count me OUT then. Fuck. I just want to sit on my comfy Norwegian chair and have Kate Upton feed me grapes. I'm actually pretty clueless on what it takes. No great protests are happening in my city. It's very much a hedonist city. I might feel silly going down to the capital building with a climate change sign by myself. My city has been rated the best place to travel to for like 7 years in a row by some major travel magazine. There isn't a lot of dissidence from my perspective. Everyone is in this bubble of "Southern Charm." Except for this one time I was manic and abandoned my family at a restaurant because I couldn't handle the Bro and Sorority feel of where we were eating. I walked through the projects to get some cigarettes and came across the most amazing little area. There was a turquoise, red and black USA flag flying and a tribute to some Black Muslim activist. It made my day. But, otherwise this place is pretty backwards and behind the times.


RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2019 05:32. Posts 8442

Midnight Thoughts Part II

It's about meaning . What is meaning?

I remember I wrote on here how it would get old if supermodels just marched into your room to have a romantic time and then eventually sleep with them. That is kind of a wild, far fetched, convoluted scenario. I guess I have grown somewhat to realize that. I used to think that was winning. Getting a model into the sack. I used to love terms like winning and losers. The truth is that even if activism is the most difficult work it must be attempted. It has to be attempted. This world is fucked. How could we not?

I think it can be equated to veganism. i would love to eat what I want but I don't because I am making a statement for animal liberation. Not every day am I going to be painting every waking hour. Maybe I would like to paint. Maybe I would like to fuck Kate Upton. The ladder is a fantasy. Part of the problem is I don't have a lot of options on what i do with my free time. So, in reality going to a protest is not a big deal. It's not like I have this vast amount of super interesting friends. I'm not going skydiving or anything like that. I'm mostly doing chores, running errands, painting, wallowing in existential turmoil, reading, etc.

There's this drug addict in me that wants the High. I don't like feeding my cats, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, making breakfast, making coffee in the same manner every day. I want the high of being in the flow of painting and listening to a truly great song I've never heard for the first time. I even get some decent flow states at work. Is that what it is, flow states?

In the midsts of some decent contemplative lingering is pretty cool too. Like a scent. I walked past a woman today and she had just the right amount of perfume on for the situation. Like I couldn't smell her when I was walking up to her but as she walked by I got a glimpse of her scent and it lingered for a few more seconds as I walked past. It was quite lovely. That's how I want to think but with the scent lingering a little longer. That's how Byung-Chul Han lives. He is a hero. That's definitely a fantasy. Move to Berlin and take his courses. My German is so rusty though and it never was all that good. Berlin just seems like such a vibrant city.

But, I am here in the USA. Pretty much confined to my city. I need to make a life right here right now.


Santafairy   Korea (South). Jul 31 2019 05:55. Posts 2224


  On July 31 2019 03:06 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



Oh no. Big bad chaos. What I need is order blah blah blah.

okay you misunderstood and playing shit on JBP

just speaking from my own experience, having been broke, directionless, empty, depressed, it doesn't seem like the answer for you.

do you think (more) chaos would help you? you may be different so it's possible. I'm not saying to avoid challenge, rather you need to challenge yourself as well as face external challenges, yes of course

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. Jul 31 2019 18:33. Posts 8442

What is the answer? What was your answer?

Activism isn't necessarily more chaos. I would be meeting people within the community and working on a worthwhile project.


RiKD    United States. Aug 01 2019 03:10. Posts 8442

Also, I am not broke. It's a relative term but I don't feel broke. I don't have any bill collectors after me (at the moment). I've learned how to live on a low income. I don't splash around like I used to and that is ok. Money is not the problem. Capitalism is the problem.

I would say I am more or less directionless. That is also the problem. My labor gets exploited for a certain amount of hours each week and then I try and figure out how to get my kicks. Whether that's painting or writing on here listening to Coltrane. At work it's like am I a pizza artist or a pizza making robot? Am I trying to make people happy with a good pie or am I just surviving? The one good thing about work as I have said before is I can get into some pretty good flow states but there has got to be something better for me than just sometimes mindlessly making food for people. Let's say I make 20-40 pizzas in a day. It's hard to make all of those with passion and care. So, then it's like what's the difference? What is the difference? As long as it's good enough what's the difference? It's always about making the pizzas faster, better and then I'm in a self-exploitation trap. The directionless'ness comes in in that I don't know what I want to do next and don't know how I am going get there.

I don't feel empty. Especially when I am painting or listening to Coltrane. Not even when that stops do I feel empty. I just feel bored, existential despair is the worst I get but I don't feel empty.

I am not depressed.


RiKD    United States. Aug 01 2019 03:38. Posts 8442

I am not into the superficial or peacocking as Dr. Cornel West and a man mysteriously named Mystery talk about. I no longer care what the mainstream think or want. Even if that means I don't get laid or have any friends. I don't get laid and I don't have many friends and it's alright. I do want joy. I want my soul touched and I want my soul to touch others. Dr. West also spoke of making our grandmothers proud in their graves. I can get behind that. It's about ending capitalism too. As far fetched as that sounds. Liberation. Freedom. Having the courage to do what we want.


RiKD    United States. Aug 01 2019 05:13. Posts 8442

Midnight Thoughts Part III

I met Cleopatra one time. I had sex with Cleopatra one time. What a night. What a morning. She had black thong lingerie. I felt like a king lying in bed watching her pull those black panties on. XOXO and we parted ways forever? The chances of ever running into her again are slim at best. At least I had a night with Cleopatra.

I want to see Nirvana but I don't wanna die shit - Frank Ocean

Rolling marijuana is a cheap vacation - Frank Ocean

I don't need Cleopatra. I don't need her shape or her moxy. I don't need her more than adequately wet pink matter. When the skies are pink take some time and linger for a moment. Sweetness, gentleness, and love are appropriate (at any time). I miss her kisses. I miss a lot of kisses and hugs to be honest. I don't need Cleopatra though. That was one night of perfect in the past. You won't find me drinking in clubs these days. It's a handicap in that area for sure. Now, I just compulsively paint to deal with the PAIN. Sometimes I wish I could smoke some weed laced with novocaine. But, champagne for the pain weed for the low got me in a baddd spot. It's funny some guys call it chasing girls. The point is to be so badass that you basically attract them like a black hole. The gravitational pull is so strong that they all want you and they all want you because they all want you. That's the easiest way to get women. Just play 2 or 3 or more against each other. I was talking to a HOT BLONDE when Cleopatra and I locked eyes. Anyways, I don't need Cleopatra. I need soul, something beyond superficial. Something substantial.


RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2019 04:47. Posts 8442

Midnight Thoughts Part IV

The Quest for Love and Unity. Is it possible?

I only painted part of 1 painting today. Leo Tolstoy. He has touched my soul on multiple occasions with multiple works. It's like I don't quite have the painting inspiration today though. I did finish "The Trial" by Kafka though and would suggest that for sure. I'm listening to some Fela Kuti and would suggest that as well. Not a whole lot to report. Just another day. Just one of those whatever days that aren't too bad in isolation but maybe it gets a bit frustrating if too many of those pile up. I can still read some more which always makes the day feel more valuable or nourishing.


RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 04:01. Posts 8442

Midnight Thoughts Part V

I went for a walk on the beach today. It was rather nice. I was really lingering with a lot of thoughts. For some reason I couldn't stop thinking about Nietzsche's eternal re-occurance. If you had to live your life over and over again for an eternity how would you feel about that?

I'm reading this book called "Flow." It's buttering me up quite nicely. The next part of the book is called "The Pathway to Liberation." I'm a bit skeptical but it's been pretty on point so far. I was singing a Kanye song on the beach "I just wanna be liberated I I I I just wanna be liberated ah ah ah I just wanna be liberated." So, we'll see where this book goes.

There was a wedding where one of the women wanted to get laid by me and all I had to do is play my cards ok and it was a done deal but I chickened out. It was weird as the night before I had some menage action with 2 random women from a bar. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself even though all our friends would have given it all the blessings. Just weird. It happened to me at another wedding my sister in law's best friend asked me to leave with her and I said no I'd rather hang out with my family..... Damn, fucking gorgeous red head with a booty.... Sorry cuz we can chat about Game of Thrones some other time, shiiieeeetttttt.

I was feeling very Being and Nothingness earlier today. Nothingness fsdkhgjakkgdkfj Being dskjfhdjksgkdg Nothingness. Or, maybe _ NothingnessBeingNothingness. I painted Sartre with a somewhat despairing look on his face looking at a tree. Would I share the same fate on my walk. Nauseous at the sand. No, I felt the breeze and watched some birds and it took me away to the Tao te Ching and that I should re-read it. So much to read so little time. And, when I have "Flow" offering me up the "Pathway to Liberation" in the Introduction to the book how could I not read further. I also need to get to some Anton Chekov. If Nabokov and Dr. Cornel West say he's a must read he's a must read as far as I'm concerned. I'm in that spot where I'm charging my Kindle and want it to charge all the way to 100% before I continue reading errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 05:43. Posts 8442

There is an assembly line worker named Rico somewhere on the planet that takes pride and loves his work. He is required to average 43 seconds on his particular cog in the wheel but Rico treats it as an Olympic event and has gotten the time down to 28 seconds over 600 pieces in a day. Is Rico a self-exploited achievement-subject? Is he crazy? Or, is he smarter than most of us?


RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 05:50. Posts 8442

If there really was a crisis this big, then we would rarely talk about anything else. As soon as you turned on the TV, almost everything would be about that: headlines, radio, newspaper. You would almost never hear about anything else. And the politicians would surely have done what was needed by now, wouldn't they? They would hold crisis meetings all the time, declare climate emergencies everywhere, and spend all their waking hours handling the situation and informing the people what was going on. But it never was like that. The climate crisis was just treated like any other issue or even less than that... And we must admit that we are losing this battle... Most of us don't know almost any of the basic facts, because how could we? We have not been told.

This is the biggest crisis humanity has ever faced. For too long, the people in power have gotten away with basically not doing anything to stop the climate and ecological breakdown. They have gotten away with stealing our future and selling it for profit. But we young people are waking up. And we promise, we will not let you get away with it anymore.

– Greta Thunberg


Baalim   Mexico. Aug 03 2019 07:08. Posts 34246

You want comfort and models feeding you grapes but you don't want to work for it, no wonder you've become a leftist lol

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Loco   Canada. Aug 03 2019 14:02. Posts 20963


  On August 03 2019 04:50 RiKD wrote:
If there really was a crisis this big, then we would rarely talk about anything else. As soon as you turned on the TV, almost everything would be about that: headlines, radio, newspaper. You would almost never hear about anything else. And the politicians would surely have done what was needed by now, wouldn't they? They would hold crisis meetings all the time, declare climate emergencies everywhere, and spend all their waking hours handling the situation and informing the people what was going on. But it never was like that. The climate crisis was just treated like any other issue or even less than that... And we must admit that we are losing this battle... Most of us don't know almost any of the basic facts, because how could we? We have not been told.

This is the biggest crisis humanity has ever faced. For too long, the people in power have gotten away with basically not doing anything to stop the climate and ecological breakdown. They have gotten away with stealing our future and selling it for profit. But we young people are waking up. And we promise, we will not let you get away with it anymore.

– Greta Thunberg



https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2...backwater-mississippi-flooding-months

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

Santafairy   Korea (South). Aug 03 2019 18:13. Posts 2224


  On July 31 2019 17:33 RiKD wrote:
What is the answer? What was your answer?

Activism isn't necessarily more chaos. I would be meeting people within the community and working on a worthwhile project.


okay maybe I was being closed-minded with a tunnel vision preconception of libtard activists

if you can make a living by actually helping people go for it

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 18:35. Posts 8442


  On August 03 2019 06:08 Baalim wrote:
You want comfort and models feeding you grapes but you don't want to work for it, no wonder you've become a leftist lol



I do want some comfort. Who doesn't? I like stretching out my legs on my Norwegian chair and reading or talking to people on the phone. Being fed grapes by Ms. Upton (who I think is a Mrs. now anyway) was a bit tongue in cheek. That's an ideal that people think they want but is not actual joy or satisfaction.


RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 18:40. Posts 8442


  On August 03 2019 13:02 Loco wrote:
Show nested quote +



https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2...backwater-mississippi-flooding-months


We've been having flooding here simply because the tide has been unusually high for about a week now.


RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 19:03. Posts 8442

What about Rico guys? Has he figured it out? The happiest man on Earth isn't Mathieu Ricard it's an assembly line worker. Or, it's probably an aspie like Alex Honnold. Mountain climbers and poets. What about both at the same time! What happens when the laughter stops?


Loco   Canada. Aug 03 2019 23:13. Posts 20963

The fact that Baal sees no moral issue with owning people that are treated as "luxury goods" and instead is only bothered by whether or not someone has worked enough to be able to own them is why he is a right-winger.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

Loco   Canada. Aug 03 2019 23:17. Posts 20963


  On August 03 2019 17:35 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



I do want some comfort. Who doesn't? I like stretching out my legs on my Norwegian chair and reading or talking to people on the phone. Being fed grapes by Ms. Upton (who I think is a Mrs. now anyway) was a bit tongue in cheek. That's an ideal that people think they want but is not actual joy or satisfaction.


I don't know why you say 'people' when you clearly mean you. I have never fantasized about being fed grapes or being surrounded by super models. No one that has seemingly accomplished much in life has had that for an ideal either.

This is the joy that I aspire to. What the singer is expressing at the end of this clip. It takes a lot of hard work to get there. To be able to experience this kind of joy. It's the kind of joy that Baal is barred from experiencing, because he doesn't know what a real and honest labor of love is.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccountLast edit: 03/08/2019 23:19

Loco   Canada. Aug 03 2019 23:21. Posts 20963

Your Rico thing is quite concerning to me. Did you make that story up? How can you possibly be naive enough to think that the happiest man in the world is someone who spends his entire days working a mind-numbing job for scraps?

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2019 23:51. Posts 8442

It's the Olympic games for Rico. Slowing down would be the difficult thing. He is in a flow state everyday, all day.

I didn't make it up. It was from an interview conducted with Rico in the book Flow. I thought it was a bit dystopian but I could relate with flow states at work and I think I was hoping it to be true. That work could be better based on my consciousness and I just need to turn making pizzas into my Olympic games. That just sounds like the epitome of being an achievement-subject though. It is one thing to climb El Capitan with out ropes for the sake of doing it and another to be a cog in a wheel for profit. I don't know if Emily Dickinson was a happy person but I'm sure she was living beautifully when she was up in her room writing her poems. And, of course the monks who meditate for all hours of the day are in a constant flow state as well.


RiKD    United States. Aug 04 2019 00:21. Posts 8442


  On August 03 2019 22:17 Loco wrote:
Show nested quote +



I don't know why you say 'people' when you clearly mean you. I have never fantasized about being fed grapes or being surrounded by super models. No one that has seemingly accomplished much in life has had that for an ideal either.

This is the joy that I aspire to. What the singer is expressing at the end of this clip. It takes a lot of hard work to get there. To be able to experience this kind of joy. It's the kind of joy that Baal is barred from experiencing, because he doesn't know what a real and honest labor of love is.




*Note: See the IDLES live

I don't think those fantasies are isolated to just me. I've seen them used as examples in the past by other people. Not that it matters. These were things I thought about in the past and thankfully I see them in a different light today. Being fed grapes is flat out tyranny.

One could say that Leonardo Dicaprio is surrounded by supermodels and has a lot of "accomplishments." It's all how you define the words and it's all relative. Beyond his body of work in film he has the whole climate change thing going for him too. I don't know if it was Leo's ideal to be surrounded by supermodels. It very well may just be the person that he is attracts that. Probably a little of both.

Of course, who wouldn't want to be a punk rock singer performing at Glastonbury? But, it's not realistic. At least for me. What is the best I can hope for? A stimulating conversation where I come upon some thought that is exciting or funny or soul touching. A particularly inspired painting. I can't sing very well, I can't play any instruments, I'm not writing any great works in any field including literature, etc. That is why I'm hoping to find my stride in activism or anything really. Mountain climbing, motorcycle riding, boat racing, anything that can get me that elusive flow state. But, I don't want to forget about the people. The oppressed and the marginalized. That is perhaps the most important project on the planet as well as the climate emergency. The key is finding my own IDLES at Glastonbury moments but never forget there are people struggling too. I liked how the singer was beating his chest. It reminded me of Dr. Cornel West saying Coltrane one time just started beating his chest because the saxophone couldn't express himself well enough. Think of all the practice sessions that went into that performance. Some great some not so great. All of the trials and tribulations. God, I love live music especially punk music.


Baalim   Mexico. Aug 04 2019 03:41. Posts 34246


  On August 03 2019 22:13 Loco wrote:
The fact that Baal sees no moral issue with owning people that are treated as "luxury goods" and instead is only bothered by whether or not someone has worked enough to be able to own them is why he is a right-winger.



You don't own people who willinigly provide a service they are paid for, but sure you can be an asshole about it, but its Rick the one dreaming about lavish romanesque services, not me.

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Baalim   Mexico. Aug 04 2019 03:48. Posts 34246


  On August 03 2019 17:35 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



I do want some comfort. Who doesn't? I like stretching out my legs on my Norwegian chair and reading or talking to people on the phone. Being fed grapes by Ms. Upton (who I think is a Mrs. now anyway) was a bit tongue in cheek. That's an ideal that people think they want but is not actual joy or satisfaction.


I don't dream about such things at all and I'm not being sanctimonious about it, the idea of a Dan Bilzerian type of life doesn't appeal to me at all, after the third gangbang I would hate it all and feel like choking some annoying hoes lol, when I try to picture pure bliss driving fast in a twisty road always come to mind.

It's quite cliché but I feel you really haven't found what you are passionate about or don't know how to properly savor the bliss of doing them, perhaps painting and making pizzas could be much more enjoyable but your neurosis doesn't allow you to.

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Loco   Canada. Aug 04 2019 13:52. Posts 20963


  On August 04 2019 02:41 Baalim wrote:
Show nested quote +



You don't own people who willinigly provide a service they are paid for, but sure you can be an asshole about it, but its Rick the one dreaming about lavish romanesque services, not me.


Yes, you do under the current system. Voluntary employment is an illusion, because one must be employed somewhere to live. People are temporarily owned and that is all that's different. And you can argue that's a bigger problem because of all the stress that is incurred from being between jobs or not finding work. At least some of the slaves who were bought had the "peace of mind" of having a stable home and source of food if they had a "good master" and they did not have to market themselves in order to have a chance to survive.

If there was a no-questions asked UBI for everyone, then that would be different. I believe any version of UBI that has a chance of being implemented in current society is going to be dystopic though, and I think landlords would automatically seek to profit from it as much as they can, but you could make the argument that if people could still survive, then it is voluntary to be engaged in wage labor. It's still a problematic argument because no one just wants to survive, they want to be able to live, so unless that amount of money is to be significant enough, which we know can't happen under capitalism, it's not truly voluntary.

"The only difference as compared with the old, outspoken slavery is this, that the worker of today seems to be free because he is not sold once for all, but piece meal by the day, the week, the year, and because no one owner sells him to another, but he is forced to sell himself in this way instead, being the slave of no particular person, but of the whole property-holding class." - Engels

You have a carceral system in the US that is completely consistent with your ethics of profit and ownership where black people are owned to do labor at a rate of $1 an hour. And it's not 'unskilled' labor either; it includes fighting active fires (of which the increased incidences of has been caused by business and the dominant class). That is still "voluntary" according to you "voluntaryst" dipshits. They are "willing" to choose to make $1 an hour doing dangerous labor when they could choose not to. You would have been one of the last people opposing the old type of slavery when it was supported by the status quo.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccountLast edit: 04/08/2019 18:09

Santafairy   Korea (South). Aug 04 2019 18:12. Posts 2224

I missed a step or you went from ownership of instagram bimbos to prison labor?

capitalism didn't make it so you can't live without doing shit

god did that, nature did that

you want to talk about $1 talk about the $1 loaf of bread capitalism gave you at every supermarket. or the $1 cheeseburger at mcdonalds.

so intentionally naive

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

Loco   Canada. Aug 04 2019 18:22. Posts 20963


  On August 03 2019 23:21 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +



*Note: See the IDLES live

I don't think those fantasies are isolated to just me. I've seen them used as examples in the past by other people. Not that it matters. These were things I thought about in the past and thankfully I see them in a different light today. Being fed grapes is flat out tyranny.

One could say that Leonardo Dicaprio is surrounded by supermodels and has a lot of "accomplishments." It's all how you define the words and it's all relative. Beyond his body of work in film he has the whole climate change thing going for him too. I don't know if it was Leo's ideal to be surrounded by supermodels. It very well may just be the person that he is attracts that. Probably a little of both.

Of course, who wouldn't want to be a punk rock singer performing at Glastonbury? But, it's not realistic. At least for me. What is the best I can hope for? A stimulating conversation where I come upon some thought that is exciting or funny or soul touching. A particularly inspired painting. I can't sing very well, I can't play any instruments, I'm not writing any great works in any field including literature, etc. That is why I'm hoping to find my stride in activism or anything really. Mountain climbing, motorcycle riding, boat racing, anything that can get me that elusive flow state. But, I don't want to forget about the people. The oppressed and the marginalized. That is perhaps the most important project on the planet as well as the climate emergency. The key is finding my own IDLES at Glastonbury moments but never forget there are people struggling too. I liked how the singer was beating his chest. It reminded me of Dr. Cornel West saying Coltrane one time just started beating his chest because the saxophone couldn't express himself well enough. Think of all the practice sessions that went into that performance. Some great some not so great. All of the trials and tribulations. God, I love live music especially punk music.



Those fantasies are part of Capital's colonization of the mind. So is the admiration for people like DiCaprio, who is obviously an hypocrite who doesn't deserve a fraction of the wealth he's hoarding, despite his very real talents. Celebrities are not happier because they have money and status, that's why so many of them kill themselves, and the worst trainwrecks are always those who become famous very early before they could develop a solid identity.

It's not about being a post-punk singer or anything else specific. It's just about putting effort into something that isn't mere pleasure from consumption. Working on a labor of love. Working on establishing meaningful relationships with people who believe in solidarity. The 'flow state' doesn't matter, it's likely just going to turn into another high to chase for you. What is at the center of what poisons your life is a lack of camaraderie and purposefulness, not a lack of flow. You know what you have to do in order to try to solve this, you're just not doing it.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

Loco   Canada. Aug 04 2019 18:40. Posts 20963


  On August 04 2019 17:12 Santafairy wrote:
I missed a step or you went from ownership of instagram bimbos to prison labor?

capitalism didn't make it so you can't live without doing shit

god did that, nature did that

you want to talk about $1 talk about the $1 loaf of bread capitalism gave you at every supermarket. or the $1 cheeseburger at mcdonalds.

so intentionally naive



It's the same thing, only the amount of money is changing. Both enter into a "voluntary transaction" with the person who provides them the money. When you use a supermodel it's easier to think that there is nothing wrong with it because they earn a lot of money, but when you use a poor person in prison who ends up being restricted to a $1 or $2 job, it's easy to see the flaw in this type of argument, as long as you are not a sociopath.

God/Nature didn't create money. Money is a relatively new thing in human history. Money of exchange (such as it exists under capitalism) rather than money of account (like in gift societies) especially is very recent.

Capitalism doesn't create cheap food, it takes the surplus value out of the people who create the food which could be made even cheaper by co-operatives or entirely free in a different economy. If you look at Venezuela and their "humanitarian crisis", the cheapest bread you could find in the whole of the country was made by an autonomous co-op. The capitalists fought to shut them down. Cheeseburgers are only cheap because the state subsidizes them and the true cost of its true production costs are externalized (which means that it's unsustainable).

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccountLast edit: 04/08/2019 18:51

Santafairy   Korea (South). Aug 04 2019 19:33. Posts 2224

Yeah if I grow wheat and mill it and bake bread and just give you a piece it's free

Good luck scaling that to also having hospitals and computers and an internet for you to proselytize from

Prisons are not an invention or staple of capitalism you can enslave criminals with no care given to economics

What's this about cheeseburgers? State shouldn't subsidize farms so people can eat meat but it should subsidize breathing? With UBI?

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

Raidern   Brasil. Aug 04 2019 20:19. Posts 4243


  On August 04 2019 17:40 Loco wrote:
Show nested quote +



It's the same thing, only the amount of money is changing. Both enter into a "voluntary transaction" with the person who provides them the money. When you use a supermodel it's easier to think that there is nothing wrong with it because they earn a lot of money, but when you use a poor person in prison who ends up being restricted to a $1 or $2 job, it's easy to see the flaw in this type of argument, as long as you are not a sociopath.

God/Nature didn't create money. Money is a relatively new thing in human history. Money of exchange (such as it exists under capitalism) rather than money of account (like in gift societies) especially is very recent.

Capitalism doesn't create cheap food, it takes the surplus value out of the people who create the food which could be made even cheaper by co-operatives or entirely free in a different economy. If you look at Venezuela and their "humanitarian crisis", the cheapest bread you could find in the whole of the country was made by an autonomous co-op. The capitalists fought to shut them down. Cheeseburgers are only cheap because the state subsidizes them and the true cost of its true production costs are externalized (which means that it's unsustainable).




That group cannot serve as example for anything as it's supported by Maduro - aka subsidized. As soon as I heard she complaining of people who didn't support chavez but were eating "chavist bread" in a "chavist box" (CLAP boxes) I knew it.

Btw capitalists weren't trying to "shut it down". They wanted to reclaim the bakery. It was owned by a group before it was occupied by this colectivo which received support from Maduro.

im a regular at nl5Last edit: 04/08/2019 20:26

Loco   Canada. Aug 05 2019 01:03. Posts 20963

It goes without saying that there is a class war going on in Venezuela. The way you see the problem depends on which class you are a part of. If you are a capitalist, then you see them as having stolen the bakery. If you are a poor, working-class Venezuelan, and the capitalists were hoarding 190 bags of flour during a time of food scarcity and saying they had none, then you see taking the bakery from them as a necessary public good. In any moral system, private ownership for the benefit of the few should not trump the needs of the many.

It is only fair that people who want to be owned by capitalists that they go and be fed by them instead. If you want to understand why they do this, you have to understand who the opposition is, and what the ideology of the opposition did to Venezuela before Chavez. These people don't want another Caracazo. Do you blame them? They are willing to work with Maduro's government despite its incompetence because it's the best option they have. The communes is all they have. Becoming a colony of the US is not a better option. But that's exactly what will happen if they let capitalists dominate the Venezuelan economy without interference. The Chavistas aren't the only ones who are politicizing the food, the capitalists have been hoarding food, medicine and household goods for a long time. They want to bring the most vulnerable people to their knees and force them to vote against Maduro and give away their social security and the sovereignty of their nation.

If you think that these working-class people are the real thieves in Venezuela, I have bad news for you. Guaido's gang has been exposed for massive fraud recently. Nothing too surprising if you know a thing or two about the Venezuelan neoliberal opposition.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccountLast edit: 05/08/2019 01:20

Raidern   Brasil. Aug 05 2019 03:44. Posts 4243

Well in one thing we will agree: the venezuelan opposition is disgusting and that's why I think venezuela is hopeless.


  It is only fair that people who want to be owned by capitalists that they go and be fed by them instead.



Yea, right. Who is insane enough to keep a business running in a country which government shows no respect whatsoever for private property and regulates prices? Chavez's and Maduro's way of running the economy and expropriating property at will ruined venezuela.

im a regular at nl5Last edit: 05/08/2019 03:45

RiKD    United States. Aug 05 2019 04:17. Posts 8442

Midnight Thoughts VI

I am having a bit of trouble sleeping for now so I figure I'll get up and do something. An acquaintance at work was found dead in the bathroom the other day. I didn't pry today but I did find out who it was. I don't know the circumstances. I would give him rides home and I would say we were more than just acquaintances. At this moment I don't really know what to think of it other than that it is bothering me. However it happened it's a tragic event and I think I am still trying to process it. It doesn't help that work is giving me more and more to do in less and less time and I just have to soldier through it.

I don't idolize celebrities. I used to. Nowadays, I idolize people like Anton Chekhov. Read about him. He is an amazing person. Not only was he perhaps the best short story writer ever he treated ~1,000 peasants a year gratis at his home and built schools for peasants, etc. Tolstoy is another example. Martin Luther King, Jr. Etc.

I may be back tonight. I hope I am not. I have to figure out a way to get closer to the Chekhovs, Tolstoys, and Kings of the world than the ever increasing workload that I face in the name of profit. The thing is they are cutting so much labor they might be losing profit. I am just stuck in the middle hoping I get some flow states to make it bearable.


Loco   Canada. Aug 05 2019 16:56. Posts 20963


  On August 05 2019 02:44 Raidern wrote:
Well in one thing we will agree: the venezuelan opposition is disgusting and that's why I think venezuela is hopeless.

Show nested quote +



Yea, right. Who is insane enough to keep a business running in a country which government shows no respect whatsoever for private property and regulates prices? Chavez's and Maduro's way of running the economy and expropriating property at will ruined venezuela.




I don't speak Spanish so I'm not sure what is said in that clip. There are plenty of businesses in Venezuela. Most of the economy is still private as far as I know.

It's a complicated issue. I'm not saying expropriation is always right. Ideally I am for workplace democracy, not expropriating workers and replacing them with people who don't know what they are doing. As far as I know those people in the bakery know what they are doing, and they are feeding many more people than the capitalists were. At the end of the day that's all I really care about.

I don't believe in respect for private property on any sort of philosophical ground. I also don't believe price controls an issue per se, but it causes a problem when there is a thriving black market, speculation and foreign meddling in your economy. Especially when you're a petrostate. The Saudis and the US have a lot to do with the dire situation in Venezuela, not just Maduro and Chavez.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccountLast edit: 05/08/2019 17:04

Loco   Canada. Aug 05 2019 17:09. Posts 20963


  On August 05 2019 03:17 RiKD wrote:
Midnight Thoughts VI

I am having a bit of trouble sleeping for now so I figure I'll get up and do something. An acquaintance at work was found dead in the bathroom the other day. I didn't pry today but I did find out who it was. I don't know the circumstances. I would give him rides home and I would say we were more than just acquaintances. At this moment I don't really know what to think of it other than that it is bothering me. However it happened it's a tragic event and I think I am still trying to process it. It doesn't help that work is giving me more and more to do in less and less time and I just have to soldier through it.

I don't idolize celebrities. I used to. Nowadays, I idolize people like Anton Chekhov. Read about him. He is an amazing person. Not only was he perhaps the best short story writer ever he treated ~1,000 peasants a year gratis at his home and built schools for peasants, etc. Tolstoy is another example. Martin Luther King, Jr. Etc.

I may be back tonight. I hope I am not. I have to figure out a way to get closer to the Chekhovs, Tolstoys, and Kings of the world than the ever increasing workload that I face in the name of profit. The thing is they are cutting so much labor they might be losing profit. I am just stuck in the middle hoping I get some flow states to make it bearable.



My condolences. He was found dead in the bathroom at your place of work?

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

RiKD    United States. Aug 05 2019 20:40. Posts 8442

Yeah. There was an "Incident" Thursday night. The store was closed Friday. I found out who it was because there was an RIP message written on the schedule. He used to call me his big brother. We had many conversations on our rides to his "house." Although I was always dropping him off in different places. I want to know how he died. To get some more closure on the issue. I am sad that he is not here anymore.


RiKD    United States. Aug 06 2019 20:25. Posts 8442

He shot himself.

Just really, really sad man.


Loco   Canada. Aug 07 2019 00:22. Posts 20963

Yeah : ... sorry dude.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

RiKD    United States. Aug 07 2019 03:03. Posts 8442

VII

I have been thinking about the suicide a lot today. I was pretty bummed earlier. My dad told me that I should paint Daenyrus with a dragon because my sister wants more of my paintings. This was a challenge. I usually just paint whatever but I liked this idea. There is always that fear that it's going to suck. I put my heart and my soul into that painting. I dedicated it to D (friend who killed himself). I was crying through parts of it as I was also listening to really intense, emotional music. The truth is it's the best painting I've ever done. The truth is D has been the closest thing to a friend that I've had in the last 6 months. I spent more time with him than anyone outside my family. I knew he was troubled but I didn't know it cut that deep. I feel bad the time I waited 30 min. for him got fed up and left. It was a nice day outside and he didn't live that far but still. I was locked out of the building but still. I could have figured out a way to at least tell him that I was leaving. He never mentioned being depressed or suicidal to me or else maybe I could have helped.

So, that's 2 for 2 out of the people that I've gotten more close to giving rides that have died since being here. The other died due to gang violence. Although, that's misleading. He was an alcoholic that I worked with that was turning around his life and him and his father were helping a veteran with repairs on his house when they got jumped by some youths and murdered. Another fucking tragic event.

I'm going to continue giving people rides though. It's one of the ways I can actually help. Valar Morghulis. Valar Dohaeris.

I like to serve something bigger than just capital.

Back to the painting I finish it and send it to my sister and I am like all fucking lamo looking for the Like. That's such a fucking lamo place to be. So, I'm still all bummed out. I listen to Amnesiac by Radiohead on the way to the beach. It was an absolutely "beautiful" day outside but I just laughed to myself that the weather doesn't fucking matter when you are down. I am driving by flags at half-mast and thinking about those atrocities. I go on YouTube and everyone is talking about fucking gun control. No one fucking talks about the root cause of the problem ie. C A P I T A L I S M. My friend D was really into rap culture. Constantly worried about swag. I would sometimes push him a bit on that and discuss what Really matters. Discuss what the Good Life really means. It was too ingrained. Late stage capitalism is a wrecking ball. A runaway locomotive. We got kids killing themselves. It's a fucking tragedy. We have kids murdering people. When will it end?... It's not looking like anytime soon. In fact, the killing will likely only increase. Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Now, should I be able to go down to the local gun store and pick up an AR-15??? That's up for debate. But, even if I weren't able to I would just figure out a different way. The USA is deeply, deeply sick. I don't even know how we get out of it. I mean I know how I get out of it. Art and connection. Perhaps, it's one of those be the change you want to see in the world type of deals. I am still lacking in the connection area and the people I do connect with kill themselves so there is that. I haven't been depressed though so I don't think he was leeching that off of me. Most of our conversations were comical with some bordering on the deep. I had no indication that he was depressed or suicidal. I guess part of overcoming the grief is mulling over this stuff. I remember one time I had a blues cd in the car that was playing when the car started and I turned it off because he liked listening to rap. I should of just kept playing the blues. Maybe it could have saved his life.

It puts things in perspective though. Painting isn't always going to do it for me. Listening to blues, Anton Chekhov short stories, et al. I need some connections in my life. Yet, I shy away from them time and time again. A friend sent me a heart felt text about D killing himself and suggested I come over and hang out with some friends and I completely ghosted it. I haven't called anyone in probably about a month. I'm just becoming more and more reclusive. Hopefully, calling myself out on it will lead to action. Who the fuck knows man. These blogs are part of the problem but it feels like I need them. It's just so easy and they pass the time and when I'm feeling blue or anxious or whatever and flat out it's coping with existence. It's pretty clear I'm not thriving within existence so I'm grasping, I'm craving, and flat out it's something to do. No one thriving would write blogs on liquidpoker.net but I'm not thriving and I'm not shy to talk about it.


RiKD    United States. Aug 07 2019 05:06. Posts 8442

Maybe this is why I like Chekhov so much:

Chekhov's intellectual was a man who combined the deepest human decency of which man is capable with an almost ridiculous inability to put his ideas and principles into action; a man devoted to moral beauty, the welfare of his people, the welfare of the universe, but unable in his private life to do anything useful; frittering away his provincial existence in a haze of utopian dreams; knowing exactly what is good, what is worthwhile living for, but at the same time sinking lower and lower in the mud of a humdrum existence, unhappy in love, hopelessly inefficient in everything – a good man who cannot make good.

- Vladimir Nabokov, "Lectures on Russian Literature," pp. 253

He writes about me (and maybe you)


Loco   Canada. Aug 07 2019 23:28. Posts 20963

There are a lot of people like that who didn't have the gift of writing too. Chekhov's writings can't be said to have not been useful to a lot of people, Nabokov is being narrow-minded.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

RiKD    United States. Aug 08 2019 05:28. Posts 8442

I am zonked from work but I don't know if you are reading the quote right or I am misreading what you wrote or I didn't add enough of the other information surrounding the quote I used. Nabokov loves these characters and he absolutely loves Chekhov.


Loco   Canada. Aug 08 2019 12:52. Posts 20963

He is saying that Chekhov wasted his life dreaming it away and he couldn't manage to be efficient. I don't think that when you are a great writer you needed to be much of anything else in order to be accomplished.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

RiKD    United States. Aug 08 2019 17:33. Posts 8442

No he's not. Nabokov is talking about many of Chekhov's characters.

"This is the character that passes – in the guise of a doctor, a student, a village teacher, many other professional people – all through Chekhov's stories"

In another of his lectures he spends a good portion talking about how useful Chekhov was with both his art and storytelling and also through his philanthropic projects. Nabokov is pro-Dream and anti-efficient. Nabokov is the one who affirmed that Chekhov is the supreme'ist of writers and that Chekhov was also very much accomplished in other things (Doctor, philanthropist, human). Chekhov is getting to the depths of the human condition in his writing and doing it in an artful way. Nabokov has the utmost respect and admiration for Chekhov's intellectual as a character in a story. I don't think it's really a critique on that person in real life either. I would have to read more of Chekhov's stories but these characters are mostly seen in a good light. When judging a story Nabokov's only concern is with the artistry of the story. As if it were a painting but a painting that you have to keep turning the pages to understand. Nabokov puts Chekhov up there with Tolstoy as the premiere Russian writers of all time. I know you don't like Nabokov and I know you are butthurt that he doesn't include Dostoevsky in his top 5 and maybe not even top 10 Russian writers but he's definitely pro-Chekhov and pro-Dream. Read one of his novels like "Pnin" or "Luzhin's Defense" and you would understand more that he doesn't have contempt for this Chekhov intellectual type.


blackjacki2   United States. Aug 08 2019 19:23. Posts 2581

Have you ever thought about seasonal work at the national parks? I just got back from Yellowstone and it was amazing there. I miss it already. It makes more sense for me to continue my current job and just vacation there, but if I were working at Whole Foods and depressed and hating life I would definitely consider working there. I believe they provide housing in dorms in the park. Obviously you have to do menial grunt work like sell shit to tourists but in your free time you are minutes from some of the most beautiful landscapes in the world. Reading/meditating at waterfalls or watching wild bison, bears and wolves has got to be more fulfilling than blogging on a poker forum.


Loco   Canada. Aug 08 2019 21:28. Posts 20963

Ah I see, I misread.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

RiKD    United States. Aug 09 2019 02:55. Posts 8442


  On August 08 2019 18:23 blackjacki2 wrote:
Have you ever thought about seasonal work at the national parks? I just got back from Yellowstone and it was amazing there. I miss it already. It makes more sense for me to continue my current job and just vacation there, but if I were working at Whole Foods and depressed and hating life I would definitely consider working there. I believe they provide housing in dorms in the park. Obviously you have to do menial grunt work like sell shit to tourists but in your free time you are minutes from some of the most beautiful landscapes in the world. Reading/meditating at waterfalls or watching wild bison, bears and wolves has got to be more fulfilling than blogging on a poker forum.



I would consider it. One thing is I am not depressed and I don't hate my life. Through the course of my blogs there are times where I have been depressed and/or hated my life. What I mean to say is that it's not like I am in some perma-depressed hate my life state. I am just ok. I am not bad. I am not great. I suffer at times. I am filled with real joy at times. I am a human being dealing with the human condition or predicament depending on how one wants to look at it.

One barrier to a lot of this stuff is how do I get there? My cell phone charger port in my car is broken. I don't want to drive anywhere. The globe is heating at a rate of emergency I don't really want to fly anywhere. It doesn't seem like the type of thing that I put a resume into Indeed and they give me free lodging and a job. Thank you though for the suggestion. I would love to work in the forest even if it meant having to sell shit to tourists (I think).


RiKD    United States. Aug 09 2019 04:06. Posts 8442

VIII

I am in an experimental state in my painting. Tonight, I wanted new colors, new fonts, new styles and I got nothing productive out of it so far. Well, I did realize the white oil paint stick can be a really fucking cool tool but the tempera paint sticks left a lot to be desired. They aren't bad just not as good as the oil paint sticks. The calligraphy pens are kind of a bust. The point is too narrow. Why would anyone care? Does anyone on here have any interest in painting? Why am I even on this site?


RiKD    United States. Aug 09 2019 04:39. Posts 8442

Because, I neeeed it.

A Justice song just came up on the radio it reminded me of the time I went to a Justice concert. It was a lot of fun until the OJ and vodkas turned into vodkas and vodkas. I peaced out on everyone with out telling anyone. All I remember from that point is vomiting out of the door of a taxi and the taxi getting very upset with me but then turning it into a we're in this together situation as he didn't want any vomit in his taxi. The next thing I know is my roommate is waking me up very anxiously saying we are late for a flight and need to go. About 2 hours of sleep and I am some combination of still drunk and hungover as fuck. Still don't know which one. I was struuggggling. I was haggard. Somehow I get together my stuff and get in the taxi cab. I open the window and basically go into a trance so I don't vomit. Somehow I get on the plane. Thankfully it is empty. I move as far away from everyone as I can and sit in it. I am vomiting so much the stewardesses ask if I am ok. I tell them no I am not ok but I am a man and will deal with this problem myself. 4 hours into the flight and I am just vomiting bile. That goes on for another 4 hours or so. I don't remember how long the flight was. It was from Buenos Aires to Cancun. Finally, we land and get to the hotel. I'm starting to feel a bit better. Finally, some marijuana. I'm feeling even better. I was so shaken up I got a full spa and massage treatment. Only time in my life but wow was it nice. Smoked some big trees and ate a colossal burger from room service. You just gotta get that omelette or burger (or marijuana) down and the rest of the day is a breeze. Start with a mixture of ice water, vitamin water, and sprite and just sip it slowly. Get some dry toast down if you can. Go for a walk if you can. Again, marijuana is a major asset to have in theses situations. But, dayum, I am happy I don't have to live like this anymore. This story is when it was still "fun." You don't want to see the other side of the coin.


RiKD    United States. Aug 10 2019 17:19. Posts 8442

I dreamed last night that I could play the guitar.

I just got a Picasso book in the mail. Damn, he was good.

I have a Basquiat book the size of a coffee table. He was very unique.

I enjoy hugging my cat.

This site isn't as fulfilling without Loco around. I learned a lot from that guy. He was like the ultimate knowledge curator but he could also grab from that knowledge library to help or for argumentation. He always was there to post a relevant and/or awesome YouTube video or post. The Politics thread will be a cesspool at this point but probably just not as active. I'm still truckin' away with this blog as you can see. I need something to do while I drink my coffee before I do some cleaning. Maybe I'll just read the Picasso book some more.


Raidern   Brasil. Aug 10 2019 20:26. Posts 4243

I fear without loco that thread and maybe your personal blog will die. Tbh I think he went too far in his last post on that thread but I can understand a lack of interest on his part to continue putting effort in his posts there.

im a regular at nl5 

RiKD    United States. Aug 16 2019 04:51. Posts 8442

Midnight Thoughts IX

9 is one of my favorite numbers. This is the number I wore in futbol even though I was a left back. Then we had this Moroccan national player that became our coach and he was like ich don't think so and I was number 42 or something gay like that. I had my revenge though since in lacrosse I played attack and scored a lot of goals I retained the #9 jersey even though I didn't score the most goals on my team. I did score a lot of goals mo fuckas! This is my blog I can do what I want mo fuckas!

I didn't take my captain status to the bank with the females though. I fucked zero times in high school. Even though there were rumblings of a lot of women who were after my Captain #9 goal scoring ass. I didn't know what to do with a woman. The FEAR or the ignorant was too great. I feel like after scoring the game winning goal at home under the lights against the top ranked team in the state for all of our adoring fans that deserves a blunt and a bad bitch. I have no idea what I did after that game though. Maybe took some vicodins, sipped on some Kahlúa, and passed out watching Japanese pro wrestling. That was my swag. Misawa v Kawada on video tape nigga.

Drugs are not for me.

I would like some relationships in my life. With friends. I never learned how to date really. Although there isn't a whole lot to it. Invite someone to do something at some time and have fun. If you have fun invite them out again. If you didn't have fun think about it and maybe don't invite them out again.

I think I am in a zone of self-acceptance that is pretty cool but I am not in a zone of self-confidence that really is needed for dating if that makes sense. I have a healthy amount of self-esteem but certainly not self-mastery in dating.

I think a better first step is to find some friends somehow. But, as a recluse pizzaiolo and painter that is no easy task. Unless I am just being negative about it. I only leave my house for crucial errands, to go to the art store, and to get food. I'm not going to meet anyone with those practices. Le sigh, it's not easy being a 35 yr old alcoholic in recovery. Drinking is NOT going to solve the problem.

Oh yeah, guys, I realized I am a drummer more than a guitarist. What are some cool drumming equipment I can get that is quiet so the neighbors won't want to kill me? Right now I just have some bongos but I want to scale up. Can anyone help me with this? I don't want 808s or bullshit like that that is felt in the lower chakra and is negative. I want positive drumming vibes. Like if Jesus came upon some "primitive" African tribe what kind of vibes, dancing, and drumming would they come up with? You know Jesus could get down. Mixed with some gospel choir.

It all goes together. The lights, the space, the drums, the dancing, the voice(s). A large bonfire should be included. This is my new vision for Vexin. Except for that the IDLES have to perform Danny Nedelko. Except for it doesn't have to be that big of a scale. That is just the vision though. Kanye could still perform some of his songs with the Sunday Service. It's going to happen on some scale even if it's just me in my parent's study looping drums, vocals, and dancing. I remember the last time I was manic I was setting stuff on fire inside the house and my mom got very upset so I guess the bonfire would be out. That's ok. I will scale up to a bonfire someday. And, then someday VEXIN!.... or not. I'd be happy with a bonfire and maybe a local punk band.




RiKD    United States. Aug 16 2019 05:01. Posts 8442

Just bought an electric drum set WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


RiKD    United States. Aug 16 2019 05:22. Posts 8442

Now, I just have to get good enough to move souls. Lofty order. Maybe just good enough to stick with it and challenge myself. It's all about Love.


 



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