I am sitting in an empty house. I am uncomfortable. The akathisia lingers.
I think what I really want to do is masturbate but that's not true. I want a woman. I am in a strange place though. I am also going with out "male gaze" porn. I am exploring Feminist porn. It's a bit of a shock to my system. Which means the porn I usually watch is desensitizing and gradually damaging. But, the feminist porn is too non-gender binary and queer for me. I think it's a good shock to the system. I may not masturbate to the stuff but it is interesting. Not overly so. It makes sense. We are all people that want to play with ourselves and play with others besides the people that do not want to do that.
I am back on Tinder and boy what a bad decision that was. It's like fucking crack. My akathisia is heightened at least three fold when I run out of likes. I just did it as an experiment to see how many likes an intersectional feminist, anti-capitalist, vegan would get. It's actually a lot. Of course, I am in a certain part of the country. The experiment is not worth it though. I need to abort but I know I won't yet. I matched with Ariel, a fucking gorgeous anti-capitalist who makes me want to move here.... Well, one of many reasons to move here. All of my matches have been intriguing. These are women I would actually want to go on dates with. Not the bougie Sorority types that seem to permeate my hometown. OVERSIMPLIFICATION, RATIONALIZATION, NOT TRUE! Oh well, curating some perfect Tinder account is degrading and being a zombie to the swipe right is even more degrading. Ugh, it's addiction 101. But, it makes me so happy that Ariel exists, that Erika exists, that Amy exists, et al. I need to get out more.
One thing that jumped out to me is that list is 10 things I could be giving my time to. 10 areas I could be meeting people. Perhaps figuring out how to get to a protest is the most important thing for me right now.
The veganism is going pretty smoothly or is it? I hit some food deserts on the way up here which was educating in itself but at one gas station I was tired and hungry and grabbed some honey, Sriracha Combos with out thinking. We commodify bees too. It feels so benign. There is no Earthlings including bees it seems although I am sure it exists on YouTube. But, so far so good. I have come to this location just about every year my entire life. I had to pass up Magical Black Raspberry from the Magical Ice Cream Shop but it actually wasn't a big deal at all. I didn't go out to dinner tonight because I just didn't want to deal with no vegan options. The town my sister lives in was great for that. Just about every restaurant had multiple vegan options if not up to 4-5 vegan options. While in a food desert at an Outback Steakhouse I had to get more creative. House salad without cheese and 2 sweet potatoes with out butter. There. Not so bad. Pretty easy actually. I stayed home tonight and had leftover veggie burger and Hippeas. These things are fucking perfect for a crunchy snack, apertif, or go well with a veggie burger or whatever. It is also tradition to eat a lot of lobster and clam chowder but fuck that. I'm good with a hummus+veggie wrap or a vegan burrito. There is also the issue of my mom buying blueberry muffins especially for me thinking because we are in Maine and that is tradition that I would just change my mind. The only thing really viable in the house is bananas and almond butter which isn't ideal but it will work. Even though the bananas are probably conventional and inhumane. Chiquita from Honduras.... ugh. Do I eat the English muffins with trace amounts of whey?
Some of these Tinder girls got me aroused. It's a better game than r/girlsgonewild. I'm sick... I've got the flu. Nigga I'm ill. Is that an entendre or am I really just addicted to a cell phone app? Ladders obvs. Shoots and Ladders. It's the latter and I am playing a game of all shoots with some ladders. Hits of dopamine nigga. What are the consequences?
I was going to go to Biddeford, ME today. That's the home of the rapper Milo and his record store Soulfacts. I don't think I'm going to go though because I am not interested in records or cassettes. It was really just a fascination with Milo but actually meeting him I would feel like a poseur as I am not all that immersed in his work to be honest.
It's time ladies and gentlemen. It's time to scale up our activism. Our organization. Our solidarity. Even if that is just reading more and watching more YouTube videos and sharing.
Don't let the zionists fool you. There are human rights atrocities in existence. Child torture in existence. Don't let them fool you. And, it's funded by the USA.
Continue to wake up my people.
They try to hide it with "pink washing." They try to hide it with "vegan washing." I wonder if there is a reason I never learned about this in college.
I think I learned a lot today though. A lot of reading and YouTube videos. I wonder if Öcalan getting jailed was a good thing for the movement. Being confined leads to more reading and reflecting.
Writing in the morning means I am closest to my dreams. I don't remember any dreams from last night.
It's the final stages of the vacation. That point where I start gearing myself up a little bit to get back to work. I don't know if I learned as much as I would have liked or had as much fun as I would have liked or relaxed as much as I would have liked. That's life. To even have some sort of precise expectation seems silly.
Yesterday was a good practice in a confinement experience. Except I wasn't actually confined. I could leave the house at any time except from about 1-4pm. If I left the house though what would I do? Go shopping? Yuck. Öcalan was in solitary confinement for his known remaining lifetime. Nothing to do but read, write, and reflect. I like the idea of that but even in that space for 7 hours yesterday it was uncomfortable at times. I went for a walk. It was nicer to cook dinner for 7 people and then sit around a campfire all night.
But, now human beings are gathering around the table for breakfast so I'd rather be there.
Cheers.
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LemOn[5thF] Czech Republic. Jun 29 2019 20:34. Posts 15163
You tried journaling before? Why do you need the illusion that people care about what you write/eyeballs by posting publicly
You do you girl!
I came across a good example of speciesism yesterday. We were making lobsters. Live lobsters so we had to murder them. My mom doesn't eat meat but she will eat lobsters because they are "the cockroaches of the sea" and told a story about how lobster was so plentiful that they used to feed the New Hampshire prisoners lobster for every meal until they boycotted it. I do it in my own mind as well. I had the urge to rationalize about eating shrimp today because who cares right? It's not pig or cow or chicken or lamb. If someone will dominate an animal they will dominate a human and they will dominate nature. Beware.
On June 29 2019 19:34 LemOn[5thF] wrote:
You tried journaling before? Why do you need the illusion that people care about what you write/eyeballs by posting publicly
You do you girl!
I do journal. It's like there is more skin in the game or something if I come on here and sometimes it blossoms into discussion. It's definitely a habit at this point. I don't think to open up my pages file instead I just write on here.
My Akithesia is really bad at the moment. I am going from one thing to the next.
My vacation was pretty good. I love the city of Northampton, MA. There are vegan options at just about every restaurant. Many of them tell you the ingredients up front so you don't even need to ask. It was great seeing my sister and brother-in-law. A lot of hiking in the forest and just having a good time.
I'll tell you one thing. Baby boomer centrists are frustrating. I had to spend entirely too much time among conversations between these people.
Now I'm back at the tyranny of work. Free to starve baby! Free to starve!
I actually don't have a lot to say about July 4 at the moment. I hope everyone globally has a good day.
"As the entrepreneur of its own self, the neoliberal subject has no capacity for relationships with others that might be free of purpose. Nor do entrepreneurs know what purpose-free friendship would even look like. Originally, being free meant being among friends. ‘Freedom’ and ‘friendship’ have the same root in Indo-European languages.
Fundamentally, freedom signifies a relationship. A real feeling of freedom occurs only in a fruitful relationship – when being with others brings happiness. But today’s neoliberal regime leads to utter isolation; as such, it does not really free us at all. Accordingly, the question now is whether we need to redefine freedom – to reinvent it – in order to escape from the fatal dialectic that is changing freedom into coercion.
Neoliberalism represents a highly efficient, indeed an intelligent, system for exploiting freedom. Everything that belongs to practices and expressive forms of liberty – emotion, play and communication – comes to be exploited. It is inefficient to exploit people against their will. Allo-exploitation yields scant returns. Only when freedom is exploited are returns maximized.
It is interesting to note that Marx also defines freedom in terms of a successful relationship to others: ‘Only in community [with others does each] individual [have] the means of cultivating his gifts in all directions; only in the community, therefore, is personal freedom possible.’ From this perspective, being free means nothing other than self-realization with others. Freedom is synonymous with a working community (i.e., a successful one).
For Marx, individual freedom represents a ruse – a trick of capital. ‘Free competition’, which is based on the idea of individual freedom, simply amounts to the ‘relation of capital to itself as another capital, i.e., the real conduct of capital as capital’. Capital reproduces by entering into relations with itself as another form of Capital: through free competition. It copulates with the Other of itself by way of individual freedom. Capital grows inasmuch as people engage in free competition. Hereby, individual freedom amounts to servitude inasmuch as Capital lays hold of it and uses it for its own propagation. That is, Capital exploits individual freedom in order to breed: ‘It is not the individuals who are set free by free competition; it is, rather, capital which is set free."
fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount
Today, I was sitting in the parking lot waiting for my mom to finish shopping and just people watching. All the people just trying to "make it." Whatever that means. I was at the beach earlier. It was bedlam. A lot of instances of overt patriotism (and likely nationalism). The Byung-Bhul Han passage above is very relevant. Capital's subterfuge of "Freedom" with a capital "F." Many would say I am lucky to be born as a white male into a privileged family in the USA. That is winning the lottery (!) they say. It doesn't feel that way. It's certainly a better outcome than getting kidnapped to harvest chocolate in West Africa. My upbringing was mostly roses although I did struggle a bit in high school. I was Captain of the lacrosse team why should I struggle? I was good at school. I had all the makings to be an engineer, scientist, lawyer, finance fuck, etc. I got to college and I couldn't do it. I needed the truth. I needed a real education. History brought me that truth. The classes were actually stimulating. Round table Socratic method discussion. You had to really bring it in your papers and essays or the Prof was going to fuck you up. At least most Profs. Then I found poker and that was it. I am lucky I graduated. I was just that more skilled at writing papers and essays than my peers. Or, I found the easiest classes to take once poker became the focus. I miss University. So much potential. So much knowledge to be acquired and not in an isolated fashion that I mostly take part in today. I don't know though. My extended family millennials the majority are $100,000+ in student debt. That is fucking crazy. How do millennials get ahead in this world? It seems like the deck is stacked against us and a lot of it is baby boomer centrists' fault that had us against our will in the first place.
Neoliberalism needs growth in population to sustain growth in capitalism. Places like Germany and Japan are actually decreasing population and people are worried about their economies suffering. I actually need to look more into this as I don't understand why decreasing population is a bad thing all things considered. The economy will not increase but why is that a bad thing? I mean it's bad for the baby boomer stock portfolios I suppose. What if the USA spent less money on the military and decreased it's footprint through out the world? What really would happen if we cared more about the people (globally) over corporate interests?
I agree with Byung-Chul Han. It's tough to be free by ones' self. We are free through self-actualization among Others. We can achieve this self-actualization through art. That is the one exception I can think of. An entrepreneur of the self is in hell. No relationships with out networking, "what can he/she do for me?" And, rightfully found out that the entrepreneur is only setting capital free. Even the CEO is a slave. Was it Byung-Chul Han who talked about masters as slaves? We are all slaves. The master just gets a bigger house, bigger boat, MORE to try and rationalize this madness.
Did anyone know that it is Franz Kafka's birthday today? I am generally more stoked about that than USA independence because it's not true independence. It was the wake off the worst imperialist offenders in the history of the Planet Earth. Classic nationalism. I sometimes wonder if these people decked out in their patriotic gear are happy. I wonder if anyone is happy. People falling in love are probably happy. People working on their best works are probably happy. People in the middle of battling on the poker tables stacking about 10+ buy-ins are probably happy. People catching a wave are probably happy. That was me earlier today but the happiness didn't last very long. I came home and am writing this blog which I typically am generally dissatisfied if I am writing a blog although this one came out of curiosity. The Byung-Chul Han quote only strengthened it. I need more fruitful connections. I need to get active. I am still not sure how I am going to do that. It may be as easy as doing some work on Google.
So, Happy July 4th everyone. I hope you haven't been too negatively effected by the USA's imperialism or neoliberal capitalism. It's a mother fucker. I strongly suggest to read some Kafka on this beautiful day. I would say Metamorphosis is where to start. Classic Kafka.
United States. Jun 27 2019 03:59. Posts 8533
