-limited ablutions on account of my condition
-consider working on that post further or posting it as is
-try adding onto it and have panic attack #3
-settle down
-take a cab to the mall, tip 6
-have it engraved
-come back, tip 6
//
the item:
on the way to the mall i listened to talk radio. they were reflecting on how no athlete should feel shame over having only won a silver medal at the olympics. i agreed with the commentator.
i looked at silver items. the thought occured to me that why would i choose silver, when i could have gold? the thought resonated within me.
It's 4:50 pm on Sunday. I'm fine. I've looked at myself and what has happened to me from an outsider's perspective for long enough to have resolved most of the pain. Thanks for reading.
i'm highly confident that everything went by the book during the procedure, and that there was no neglect, no oversight, no nothing. i think that it was just one of those things. i'm fine with it. it's nothing.
i'm having panic attacks. they occur whenever i'm in the twilight zone between wakefulness and sleep. if i experience a sharp pain, or hear a tearing sound i rapidly progress into a panic attack.
the first one had me thinking that i was going to die. by the time that the paramedics had arrived i had acute pains everywhere and had begun to seize. the paramedics were concerned; concerned enough to credit me critical status and to get me to the hospital with sirens blazing. bp a disaster and getting worse, in acute pain, in danger of losing consciousness. a great way to start the day.
so we get to the hospital and i wait as they work their way through the admission process. i sit still, and breathe slowly. i even grow bored, which is ridiculous once you think about it. one by one, my symptoms vanish. i'm left befuddled, embarassed even. i'm issued an xray, and i meet janet. not satisfied, i seek out psychiatric care.
i'm told to wait in a room. i can't remember when i last slept, and the room looks kinda like a surgical bay. i can't bear it. i have to get out.
i steal a stool from a kindly security person and review my day, as well as the rest of my life. i start to consider the possibility that i have an unresolved pain which caused the panic attack, specifically because i now know that there's nothing wrong with my shoulder and i am on exactly zero psychiatric meds.
this realization prompts me to become agitated. either that or i cannot fathom the horror of it at this moment, given my day thus far and operating on zero sleep which is slowing breaking down the operations of my frontal lobe. i start to behave in kind, in spite off all my best efforts to not do so. i'm sporadically ranting and cursing in a hospital emergency ward and i look like a mental patient because the clothes that the EMTs grabbed were slippers, a hoodie which i cannot zip up, a tshirt i cannot get into, a leather car coat which i wear in frankenstein fashion, and wonderfully fashionable pants which are perfectly fine.
there's a woman in a room, moaning and vomiting her guts out. i cannot stand to be in her vicinity. i move away.
a doctor arrives and tells me that he'll be with me shortly. he doesn't look like the psychiatrist that i thought i had ordered, but i'm far past the point of caring.
he tells me to wait at a place which is, incidentally, very far from the rest of the ward. i go there and wait, operating under the assumption that since the presumed topic of our impending conversation is rather sensitive, it would be best that nobody else hear it.
i have selected my seating position with utmost care. i place my coat precisely where he will never sit, and offer him seating options derivative of how i will drive the conversation.
he arrives and he tells me that he can check my shoulder now, and his body language screams "let's get this huge fucking waste of time over with." at this point i should have stood up and walked out and gone home, but instead i try to explain why it is that i think i had the experience that had brought me to the hospital.
so, let's recap. a guy that looks and acts like a mental patient. a guy who does and then doesn't want his shoulder examined as real patients with real problems stand by and suffer. a guy saying
things like, "my experience this morning is incongrous with the sum of my life experience on this planet." a guy who insists on seeing a psychiatrist.
he asks me if i want to punch him.
my posture has not changed. i have deliberately chosen a reclined seated position with my legs crossed, and had been moving very slowly so as to appear nonthreatening and open to the initiation of intelligent discourse.
i lean forward and say, "fuck yes, at this exact moment i do want to punch you."
you need to understand something about me. most of the time i am incredibly laid-back and chill. stress me out a little and i might cuss some. put me through the worst day of my life, to meet an angel and then find that she is not long for this world, and then to have somebody effectively state that i am a fucking crazy loser and then, yes, i become rather menacing. even with one arm.
he moves over to a desk and picks up the phone and speaks rapidly. he then talks nonsense as he intermittently peers over thataway. fucking tellbox. im prolly up 500 on this guy without knowing it.
three security personnel arrive. i am invited to walk with them. big fucking deal, now i can go home and get some sleep and maybe wake up and think i'm going to die again.
we arrive at our destination and it's not the exit. instead i'm given the choice between door number one and door number two. i inquire as to the precise nature of our arrival here. i'm told that i'm form twelve. i rapidly deduce that i'm being commited.
being rather familiar with the law i declare all the stuff that you would expect me to say in such a situation. my escorts are strangely unmoved by my impassioned highbrow soliloquy. i then clearly state my intent to move directly to the exit. i am intercepted, and then met by an elbow which knocks me half a step backwards. i go into the room.
i wait. a crisis worker arrives. we have a pleasant chat.
i wait some more, and i would give my left nut for a cigarette right about now. a psychiatrist arrives. we have the conversation that i'd been waiting to have. he gives me a script the purpose of which is to make me feel dumb and sleepy, and discharges me. i go to the pharmacy and make the declarative of drug me. then i get into a cab and expect it to crash on the way home. it doesn't and i reward my driver who has two kids. they all have two kids. strippers too.
fastforward to this morning. i have another panic attack as i wake up in response to a stab of pain in my shoulder. i try to talk myself down with the help of a kindly 411 operator. i barely fail. i call
911, and explain that i am 99.9% certain that i do not require medical. the paramedics arrive. so do two firemen, and what looks like a police sergeant. they talk me down, then add that by calling for an ambulance but not specifying a need i have inadvertantly endangered the lives of others which is a highly unfortunate thing for me to have done. they are by law required to respond in forge to a general request for medical assistance. i am ashamed and vow never to repeat this error. they leave. i run errands and then play some cards and win some money. i'm a weird guy.
i plan to see my GP on tuesday (monday is a national holiday), and together we will formulate a plan to manage the situation. it will probably be something along the lines of watching gamefilm and then a few months with a behaviorist.
if another panic attack occurs between now and then i am highly confident that i will be able to manage it.
this is going to make for a highly interesting case study, and if my experience leads to this sort of thing not happening to someone else, it will have been worth it. my primary fear is that someone less controlled, less disciplined may fail the quiz and end up commited. somebody placed in this position may go on to harm themselves, or others. i do not want that to happen.
i do not seek revenge and have no intention to seek legal retribution. the man who assaulted me has probably already been fired. the doctor who instructed the security personnel to manage my movement has been informed that he did so in error, and thereby exposed the facility to massive liability.
i just want to do everything i can to make sure that this never happens to anybody else ever again anywhere.
//
this started on friday. it is now sunday afternoon. i woke up and was ok.
last night i was considering letting this go
fuck that
i was clear in what i wanted and did everything that i could to facilitate getting what i wanted
he acted 100% relative to me being a crazy person, with no deviation, no regard for me as a human being whatsoever. i think that until i am receipt of the paperwork, i am not form 12, and that i have the option to leave and that his directives to security were in violation of my personhood.
if i am form 12d, what can potentially happen to me if:
the crisis worker assigned to me had broken her wrist that morning
the psychiatrist assigned to me had been in a car accident early that morning, and his wife had left him exactly the night previous
both are incompetent
i begin to show flu like symptoms while on the verge of mania
i begin to hallucinate on account of my lack of sleep
great i am having a panic attack, at this momeny thisd very moment.
i have been playing SNG with the left over $30 i had on Pokerstars after moving my roll to FT. I have decided to set myself a challenge of turning this $30 into $3000 at the end of the year! Big challenge for such a small player such as my self...
Anyway I have just finished my 1st week, i played 119 $1.10 9 man sng and mad3 $30 profit cashing in over half. I also made it onto the high orbit SNG leader board in 68th earning myself a $5 bonus. Not much but 4 BI is better than nothing lol.
I have found out that i seem to lose heads up a lot, and this is dragging my profit down so is something i need to work on.
So i have doubled my roll, but that not anywhere near enough games if im going to have any chance of making my target so intend on playing heavily over the coming weeks.
I have decided not to move up limits until i reach $100 to help give me around 30 BI for the next level.
I'm thinking about playing the sunday million today since I'm playing in a bunch of other tournaments. If I can get people to buy 50% of my action, I'll enter it. Any takers? 10% = $21.50 Obviously any sent money will be returned immediately if I don't get 50%
Look at previous blogs for February tournament results.
Looking for a stake for the 40$ 1mio grtd tonight on stars
60% of profit for you
tourney accomplishments so far:
3 deep runs in the 3+r on stars
47th wcoop 320$ 6max for 2,3k
36,32, 18th in the warmup
won 2 20$ 180man tourneys for 1k each and a 36$ for 1,7k
won a 11$ deepstack tourney for 2,9k
Oh man, its here again.
I don't know why Pokerstars must have the best tourneys in ages right on this day.
Needless to say, I don't do much for my GF, we don't go out often etc, so today I will not be playing but I am cleaning the flat (boo) and we will get some Pizza and Movie, get flowers, a card etc.
As Collegesucks said, girls just sacks of emotions, especially Asians. My GF and poker together was just an emotional roller-coaster for me too, but now when she cries, is angry, panicking or whatever I just take a couple of deep breaths, and resolve whatever banality caused it this time without feeling bad myself. Work wonders, and also works with poker (That sometimes is nothing but an ungrateful bitch), and it allows me to love them both without losing sanity.
Poker
I have collected 1362 VPP this month.
I lost some $1k since January 1st when I was multitabling, I purged all hands on February 4th, stopped multitabling and gave myself a February holiday from serious poker grinding. I played only 4k hands 2-4 tabling since, only when I really felt like it. Don't even have to mention the results.
Since this is not variance but a long lasting pattern repeated multiple times, I simply realise that I simply can't multitable when I have a job. Its bad when I am multitabling, but has severe impacts on my mentality at the tables when I do 4 table, like a disease.
2-4 tabling is also a lot more fun and I can get away with a lot of crazy shit (look at my recent hands) because of my heavy note taking and soul owning skills, which simply vanish the second I open the 5th-16th table.
I am not sure what to do next month to be honest. I should keep doing what I am doing since Feb 5th- Playing only my A game. Butif I don't make 7500 VPP I will lose my SN, which means leaving Stars. But I love Stars so much, I got SN Shirt, 2 Stress toys, The shark, Hat and beannie, T shirt, my GF has a Tshirt, mini chip set, I ordered the Hoodie and my RSA Token is for Stars - Why does this site have to be so cool
Well, I will see. I don't plan anymore short term, but I will prolly give NL100 a try after making another 5-10BI at NL50 and maybe I will take NL200 shots next month which will get me to 7,500 VPP even with playing super low volumes. If not, then I might leave stars, maybe forever.
Well, thats enough ranting for today, I have 2hours 15 minutes before my gf comes home, and I have to start doing stuff for Valentine's day right now or I will be faced with more negative emotion ;
Here are two love songs from my favourite artists of all time, enjoy:
Wu Tang
This song is one of the mushy gushy romantic cliché thingies. The sound of old raw Wu Tang Clan was and always will be the best hip hop sound ever. The new RnB shit all sounds the same to me.
Tiesto
All Tiesto's songs sound the same, but doesn't mean the guy is not a genius and that I don't love them (I am a hypocrite so what, who are you to Judge me?)
This tourney will have MASSIVE ROI for anyone competent, so I'm going to be giving out $40 stakes to trustworthy LP members at 80/20 in my favor. Ship me a PM or put a message on here if you're interested. If you have a low number of posts it'd be great if you could get someone to vouch for your trustworthiness. I'm looking to stake about 20 people.
Life./Poker Update on Everything!by Joeingram1, February 14
Hello all, long time no blog! Have had a few people asking me to update my blog and it sounded like a good idea. Have had a few interesting past couple of months IMO and an even more interesting past few weeks.
RELATIONSHIP
I have wrote about my girlfriend in the last few blogs of mine. As was inevitable since the beginning of all relationships that have existed things are now over. It took me a few days to actually put 2 and 2 together but it all became clear while I was working out. She was just a gold digging bitch. Here is what happened, when we originally started dating I felt amazing! 33k prop bet win, +20k up swing from the tables, all time record high in terms of money for me. We went out to alot of nice restaurants, went to concert, took a trip to Palm Springs, everything was pretty good. Then end of December/January I went on massive losing swing. At the end of which I was left with a pretty low amount of money . Now Lindsay knew I was losing alot from poker but she never totally had an idea about my finances and just assumed I still had a bunch of money. 2 days before we breakup, I explain just how serious/depressing it was for me to have lost so much money and that I didn't think I was in a good enough finanical state to move in with her. She had talked to me that week about the possibility of moving in together after about 1 month being BF/GF and a few months of dating. She assured me, I don't like you for your money/this wont make a difference/blah blah, bs bs bs, im a whore, etc...
Sure enough 2 days later she says she is starting to rethink things and she might still have feelings for her ex-boyfriend and it isn't fair to me for us to be in a relationship if she still has feelings for him. At first I was like okay cool story bro, this seems all randomly odd, where is this coming from. Honestly a part of me was pretty excited at the potential of being single though but then a few days later it hit me!! I had just had the talk with her 2 days before and then all of a sudden this happens!!!??? I guess you live and you learn, I actually feel like I learned a little bit from dating someone older/more mature but in the end I remembered that all women are whores in some form!
San Diego Dating Challenge
It took me a few days/week but I decided it was time to get over it. I decided that since I really didn't make many new friends, because of having a girlfriend, I would make new friends and meet as many people as I could. I started just saying hello to all the people I come upon that live in my massive complex and in a few days I met someone to play basektball with and a few girls to hang out with. I was pretty amazed at how far some conversations have gotten just by saying "Hey, whats up". Sure some people look at me like I am a fucking wierdo but overall I engage in some cool convo's.
For the people who go on 2p2, alot of people followed my 30 dates, 30 days dating challenge I tried to do back home in Indiana. This thread was wildly popular and included pictures/videos/trip reports from all the dates! Ultimatly someone spoiled the fun by sending out messages to all the people on my facebook that I was being some sort of predator.
The reason I originally did something like this was just to show that people who grind poker for a living can indeed pick up/date woman out there and hopefully I could provide some inspiration to the many lazy poker players out there and help there women lives! Also it was super fun to do!
Well now I live in San Diego and I really don't give a fuck if they send that message out again, most of the people on my FB I will never see again and the ones I will are just going to LOL at it. I am now ready to conquer the online dating world in San Diego 30/30 style. I don't have an exact time period I am going to start this but I will be supplying trip reports/pictures/videos most likely thru this blog and with a thread on 2p2. This will be easier for me to edit posts if necessary for any reason. In prepartion for this I have been hitting the gym super hard and changing up my diet from fast food 3 times a day to on special occasions. My results I have been seeing have been pretty awesome so far and the bod is getting pretty solid. The type of women I hope to attract for this type of thing will surely appreciate work I am putting in. My lower abs/sides could use some more work especially but I am hoping a better diet will have a good affect.
I actually logged onto my dating site of choice tonight to edit up my profile a bit and see what is out there. I honestly can say there are probably 100x more women to choose from and wayyy better looking ones on average compared to back home. Also it is pretty beneficial that most live so close to me out here compared to 45 mins-1 hour away before. Will keep updated on this front but I did get a chance to send a message or two out tonight, I give you a sample one that I just couldn't resist sending. Will let you all know how this works out lolol
Hey xxxxx,
I was going to send you a message and tell you I just wanted to "hit it and quit it" but then I noticed that I shouldnt keep reading about you if those are my intentions. I would love to get to know you though, you seem sweet.
Joey
POKER
Poker has actually been pretty interesting/horrible the past few months. As those of you who read my blog/look at my PTR (almost 110k views somehow) I have lost alot of fucking money. It was about -55k in a matter of only a few weeks. Now I can contribuite alot of this to running horrible at PLO/playing awful but it wasn't until the breakup I realized how much mental capacity I was devoting to the relationship. I don't think that is a coincedence that since we ended things I am 17 winning sessions 2 losing sessions. I did take a few days off after and kinda regrouped mentally, ever since that I have been doing super well. I am currently being staked for nl100/200 and am actually down a good amount in makeup because of last months bad results. I am hoping that if I can continue on with my playing well/good results/running slightly better that I will be out of this in no time!! Stay positive!
As far as SuperNova Elite pursuit goes, I am still on the fence about it. I could still be in striking distance of pace if I can pick it up this month but I honestly do not know if I can do it. Has been hard for me to flip the switch on into grind machine knowing that It is impossible for me to get back to having as much money as I did just 2 months ago. I got to experience that feeling of having 60k+ and to be honest it wasn't much different then having 10k+. I still buy the same shit I would have bought but was just playing a higher limit/having bigger swings. I honestly don't think having that much more money made me anymore happier about life and actually provided me more stress with thougths of "I need to make more money, i want to hit 100k". Hopefully when I grind my bankroll back up I will not make this same mistake again and choose to actually do something productive with my funds. Time will tell.......
Life in General
Overall I must say life is pretty good right now. I live in San Diego, the weather is still pretty awesome! I started playing basektabll again and finally making some friends out here. Am starting to win again at poker and have more then enough money to live life and be happy for the moment. Hopefully things will continue on the up and up!! As always thanks to all for reading
In other news I just got back from playing basketball. a fat little 8 yr old thai kid wanted to play w/ me, so i let him. next thing i know 3 other little thai kids showed up n wanted to play, so it made teams (me + fat kid vs 3 thai 7 yr olds)
i owned them so hard the 3 thai kids didnt want to play after 10 mins. def a huge ego boost after losing 35 buyins to fish. LOL
I saw a 4 FPP turbo buyin and decided to play it since I was bored. First place entered me into a 200 FPP buyin satellite. Following that satellite I won an entry into a 500 FPP and finally the next entry entered me into a $30 buyin satellite for the NAPT Venetian qualifier. I was pretty nervous playing this satellite considering there were unlimited $30 rebuys for 90 min. I actually did really well and did not have to rebuy once with the exception of a last minute addon for 30,000 chips right before the rebuy period ended.
I ended up placing 6th place for a prize of $700! I really would have loved to win first place since the prize was $1,100. The prize also included a $5,890 entry to potentially win a tournament buy-in, hotel accommodation and expenses to NAPT Venetian event
+8 bi at nl10 today, made more than i would have if i had gone to work this morning poker is fun when you win...cracked aces with jacks once and kings once, aces held up every time...although i did have kings cracked by 87o?
Showdown appleb1te shows,
Hero doesn't show,
appleb1te wins $11563.00 USD from main pot
Oh well, I guess I'm just not meant to have win a lot of money this month. ~25k€ under equity and no damn end in sight. But fuck it, I'm still up a little bit and everything else is working out fine. Should probably stop taking shots, hmm. At least until Lady Luck stops trying to sodomize me with a iron strap on.
Just realised I was happy earlier today. That was nice. Who the hell cares about money anyone? It's just small pieces of paper with old people and number on them.
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