moved and got a new job
+finally broke six figures
-six figures doesn't mean shit in OC
-culture of new job is terrible, can't see myself lasting more than 1.5 years, can't see the company lasting another five (it's a pretty well known startup in it's niche)
+lots of established companies in the area so i don't think it'd be too bad to find a new gig
-miss my friends, lol
broke lifting PRs
+actually benching decent numbers now
+455 deadlift
+>300 front squat
-hurt my back maxing out on DL then back squatting right after so haven't DL'd in over two months
picked up piano again
putting close to 2k/month in savings
-also got to watch my money wither away over the last couple of months
started BJJ (cassio werneck in the sacramento area)
-moved two months later so had to quit, but had a lot of fun doing it despite getting my ass kicked every time
anyways, new years goals...
-break 1200 for bench/squat/diddly (hoping for 275 bench, 425 squat, 495 DL, current is 205/355/385, being pretty conservative on squat and DL post injury)
*donate $1/lb to a good charity. a couple of years ago when i first broke 1000 i donated to ALS.net, hoping to do something similar
-cut back down to 175 around june/july (current 195)
-add 30k to taxable investments - currently putting 0 in 401k because i don't see myself staying long enough to get any vested amount (100% after 3 years). right now i'm currently putting in 900/check, this will have to be increased to 1250/check
-play these at a decent level:
I'm survivin', man, I'm survivin'. Just did my bills and it looks ok. Car insurance and doctor visits and blood work are expensive though. I was getting over depression and caught a really bad cold I'm still fending off and I'm still depressed but things are looking up. I don't know why. Maybe, that is just my personality. I love the springtime and we are getting closer to that but I am getting older so what do we do with that?
I love my barber because she is a friend of mine and we talk about really dark shit while everyone else is talking about Christmas and the NFL games over the weekend.
There is something about Christmas though. It threw me into new ways of living. My sister came into town and we were always doing stuff. Making pancakes, eating brunch, going to oyster roasts. It was nice to have someone to talk to and joke around with that weren't my parents. I go back to work yesterday and it is like, "oh yeah, back to the grind," but I don't want it to be that way and I don't think it necessarily has to be that way. There is a sort of hollowness that I experience in relation to Christmas but then an even more pronounced hollowness following Christmas. Maybe I just feel hollow a lot. Maybe that's just the way things are going to go.
One of the dumbest decisions anyone could do is to start smoking, yet so many of us fall for that trap. I've been basically sick for 2 out of the past 4 months, turns out I have pharyngitis, it's been a long time coming I guess, considering I was already noticing some signs of health issue due to cigarettes past years. As every other smoker, I decided to ignore it and try to push through them by going to the gym or playing soccer, perfect idea amirite?
I've been smoking for 11 years and I've never NOT smoked in my adult life. I don't know how social interactions look like without having cigarettes, I havent gone to a cafe, had dinner or went for a walk without knowing nicotine is there. It's quite disturbing and pretty sure non-smokers wouldn't think this is big of a deal, but just imagine having something to fill every gap in your everyday routine. Got 5 minutes to bust? Smoke a cig. Your friend is late? Smoke a cig. You're in a situation where you feel weird? Smoke a cig to calm down. You could literally use lighting a cigarette as a reaction to pretty much anything. You could fill every second of boredom, while in fact, you're just thinking that way, but not really doing anything other than killing yourself.
I've previously actually have gone through statistics of smokers and the percentage of diseases they get compared to non smokers, in order to convince myself that the pros/cons is kind of worth it as long as I get to enjoy more cigarettes. Have you heard of anyone else trying to prove to himself with hard data that its a risk worth taking doing something that brings you no benefits, but could potentially end you? Pretty hilarious when I look back.
Kinda dumb that I'm making the decision due to health issues, I've always said to myself that the moment I hit 30 I'd stop smoking, but its possibly just another one of the lies every smoker tells to themselves. The truth is nicotine is poison, and because it's a poison its so easy to fall for it and never acknowledge the power it has over you. Cigarettes are rarely enjoyable and even when they are enjoyable they its just for a few puffs, there's literally no advantage to them.
Anyway it has been 4 days - yeah not really any milestone. The physical cravings are pretty intense sometimes, but mentally I don't feel like nicotine can push me towards it. I feel like I've slowly but surely been shifting my view of tobacco for the past year even while smoking up to the point where I wouldn't feel the mental need to smoke, as long as the physical cravings to away. I keep a pack on my desk and in my car. They're almost always within the reach of my hand, but far away from a smoking place, thus I'd have time to think about what I'm doing if I fall through. I need to make sure that I'm mentally prepared for that and knowing that I won't fall for the trap i set myself seems like a good plan.
Just wanted to post this here, have it written down somewhere to work as a remainder, in case I need it.
P.S. If you're a smoker - you're an addict, just the same thing as an alcoholic or a drug-abuser, you're lying to yourself otherwise.
I'm going to try this. I'm going to write whatever comes to my mind and not think about writing what is the right thing to say or to please anyone. This is what my therapist instructed me to do. She is also a psychiatrist and practiced psycho-analyst. She also believes in God and made it sound like she was a Catholic but then was kind of ambiguous on whether she still is a Catholic. I know more about her than that but that is just what came to mind first. In our last session she talked about not knowing me at all. I think we've had 3 or 4 sessions and the fact she knew so little about me she said was abnormal. Ok? She correctly posited that since my goal was to reduce suffering I must be suffering. That wasn't even an official goal or anything. I think I mentioned it in the first session sometime in relation to partaking in Buddhism. I think the session I was supposed to have goals I opened with that I was depressed so we explored that. I like Loco's idea of being ok in my own skin in a society that doesn't suck but I'm not convinced there is a society that doesn't suck so we'll just have to go with whatever Loco said about getting the benefits of society without having to conform to it. My therapist believes I am avoiding something with these neuroscience lectures and complex systems courses and in the past with all the Buddhism and meditation. To be honest, I don't really have any goals. I'd like to go to Thailand, I'd like to go to Japan, I'd like to go to Paris again. I do what I can to make my days reasonable. I have strategies and plans that I employ at work to make the day go better. It's some mix of making my life easier and improving the company's profits. Sometimes they coincide, sometimes they don't. She is continually interested in what I do for joy. It is sometimes for me hard to decipher this. Reading a certain chapter of Infinite Jest brings me joy. I went to a new place for brunch today that turned out to be really cool. That's just in the moment off the top of my head. Buying my toddler nephew's really awesome books brought me joy. Buying my brother-in-law slippers. But, it seems a lot of times it takes me a while to produce instances of joy or sometimes I just don't experience that much joy. I say things like running a model that showed how ants find their food brings me joy and I feel like I am getting judged. Whereas telling her going out to lunch with my friend and going for a walk brings me joy is like a normal answer. I'm really just judging myself.
We'll take a space so this doesn't turn into one big block of text. Someone criticized me for that in another blog and it is a fair criticism. So, I talked about general stuff about myself. It's mostly normal besides the fact I am bipolar I, and a substance addict. Then she steered the conversation to dating/sex/relationships/etc and I would say my dating life throughout my life has been very abnormal. I talked about being willingly celibate but at this point not being sure about that decision. That I get urges and attracted to women and some times varying levels of fantasies. I talked about poker and my life as a refractory salesmen. I think the feelings that are sitting with me are that I am abnormal and what exactly I am avoiding if anything. She also mentioned as I was walking out that she hopes I can find joy in whatever it is that brings me joy. I will continue seeing her. I like that she is challenging and blunt. I really don't know where this is going. I know that I look forward to therapy and then don't really enjoy it while I am there. It is quite intense. That's probably a good thing. I don't know. I just felt like trying a therapy session on my therapy even though probably 0 of you are qualified therapists.
When in your poker routine is a gym if you could go any time and it were 5 minutes from your place.
my thoughts; + Show Spoiler +
I do poker 8am to 6-7pm
And then have either social activities or workout in the evening, often both
But am considering switching gym to mornings
It'd mean waking up an hour early
Drawback would be that I'd be like a fucking cinderella when dancing, socialising, dating etc. as I'd hit a massive tired wall around 9-10pm and my mood turn into a pumpkin, when I do gym=>social stuff after grind I always get a few hours of energy from the pump
Positive is gym energy carries over into poker, but I've never been able to maintain morning gym for longer than a few months, half a year max
I guess I could alternate and on off gym days wake up later
But I find a rigid schedule way easier to turn into autopilot
Just wondering for you experienced guys - when the best time it's been for you to put work out in your routine to max energy for poker and life ev alike that you've been consistently able to sustain long term without burnouts?
Back when I was a mid-stakes grinder, I spent hours and hours everyday trying to plug the leaks in my game. Part of that meant upping my strategic understanding by working with my coaches (<3 SakiSaki & Midian, y'all taught me so much). As my understanding grew, the other part took on a larger role.
What was that other part you ask?
The emotional part. How many times did I know what to do, but not end up doing it because I was tilted, I was bored, I wasn't paying enough attention, I was scared, I was impatient...
I started paying much more attention to my role model's mental and emotional state, rather than just the way they'd play each hand. During a week in Korea I stayed at Midian's place, which gave me the opportunity to observe his energy, not just while playing, but also in his daily life.
I noticed a calm, grounded, and mindful presence. Even when we were all out at the bar working on a bottle of whiskey, and the rest of us would be loud and rambuncious and excited, he'd be pretty chill. Smiling more, yes, but centered. It was hard to get a big reaction out of him, in either direction, towards exuberance or depression. Good things happen, he's chill, bad things happen, he's chill.
Along with the equanimity, he was also naturally aware of what was happening around him. It seemed like he didn't get lost into his internal dialogue as easily as the rest of us, and he was able to have a sort of meta sense about the flow of the situation because of it.
I noticed the way this translated into his poker game when he allowed me to observe him play his regular 4 tables of high stakes on Stars. His sense of how the game was flowing and how each person at the table played allowed him to do many perfectly timed bluffs to take down pots I'd never even try for.
On the flop he'd tell me his feel on a player and the approach he'd take to capitalize on their playing style's weakness, and I'd be thinking "your HUD only has like 25 hands on the guy, how can you have such a read?" He wasn't very interested in the HUD as he was processing info on another level, on the computer in his head.
I could see the gap between myself and the players I admired, and it wasn't the strategic understanding as much as it was the mental and emotional muscle.
This led me to 2 conclusions. First, I wasn't going to break through the wall between me and the high stakes until I evolved my whole being. Second, that I'd had the tool right in front of me the whole time, due to growing up in a family that was very involved with the world of meditation. From leading scientists researching meditation to embodied masters teaching it, I had been surrounded by the solution since my childhood, but I'd never taken advantage of it.
That's when I quit poker and went back to school. I realized that the field of science studying meditation and body language was psychology, so I set out to learn the science and get a degree. As I'd always resisted meditation, most of my energy went towards the intellectual pursuit of knowledge about the tool rather than applying the tool to my daily life, but I did begin daily mindfulness meditation.
By the end of my degree that balance had flipped, as I'd jumped into a life of yoga, meditation, shamanic healing, and psychedelics... all the hippie shit I'd resisted my entire youth (except for the occasional shrooms on the party scene). I also started playing poker again, but only live, no more online grinding. I applied everything I'd learned, meditating as I sat at the table, remembering yogic philosophy when taking a bad beat, feeling the magic of all these souls coming together to create this poker game.
I found that the poker table was one of the best places to test whether I was really embodying what I'd learnt, as it triggered up all my old patterns and pushed me to live my new beliefs. Can I be unattached to the result of my actions, only concerned with taking the right action in the moment? Can I be content with everything that is happening, even if I've been dealt nothing but rags and bad beats for the last 30 minutes? Can I be compassionate and kind to the people around me, even if they just took all my money?
After graduating with my psych degree and completing my yoga teacher training I was teaching 8 classes a week, working with a wide range of people, from senior citizens to teenage athletes, and everything in between. I was reminded of my days coaching low-stakes poker players here on LP, and the joy of helping people learn a new skill. I realized how much these yoga & meditation practices had improved both my poker and StarCraft game, which inspired the idea to offer meditation training to the gamer community. I recently signed up with GamerSensei as a coach to do just that for StarCraft players. I'm very excited to merge my old world and new world like this
I recently came back to LP to see whether meditation was a topic being discussed here, and was happy to see that not only was it a topic, but there are already several experienced and passionate people sharing their knowledge.
I have to say, for any new poker players, take advantage of the fact that people like RiKD, Tutz, and Loco are sharing their knowledge about meditation. Loco is especially good at conveying the science behind the practices, what they're achieving, and why they work. While the internet provides us with a wealth of resources for learning meditation, having people to talk with is also an important part of the journey, so we're all lucky to be part of a community with knowledgeable people who are willing to share what what they've learned.
I'd like to offer my gift into the mix as well. If you're looking to add meditation or yoga to your life, I'd love to support ya, so please feel free to hit me up. From chatting here on LP to regular 1-on-1 coaching while you build the skills to level up your game, I'm available to help
Despite being exposed to meditation all my life, I never took it seriously till I began making my living as a poker player and realized I needed a tool to help me level up. Upon finding that tool I went on a path away from poker into a life I never imagined before.
It's fun to be coming back full circle and reconnecting with the gamer community to share the greatest gift I ever received from my time gaming. It's a gift which has improved my entire life, not just my gaming skill, and I'm happy to see so many of you adding it to your lives as well <3
EDIT: I had no idea, just having my grind session, movie soundtracks like Oblivion are awesome, but can get a tad distracting.
So here, I got the idea! I used to listen to Thrillseekers while studying for my degree, why not slap their podcast on!
So download it blindly I put it on during a sesh
and go like
"uuhmmm yeah I like this
"hang on this sounds familiar"
"All trance sounds the same that's probably it dude, keep grindin'"
"No hang on I've definitely heard THIS one before"
check the website
"15 Years of trance, best of set"
and started dancing around my room, felt nostalgic as fuck when I paid attention to the set
The very second song is the one from Human Traffic soundtrack from the kiss for example
incremental vs. epiphanic improvementby Santafairy, December 09
What's something you got good at little by little over time? And what's something you worked on over a long period of time but had delayed improvement? And then after a while everything seemed to come together at once? Explain what the process was like. Was it constant effort or did your commitment fluctuate? Was it spread out over years or short and intense? When you were going through it did you ever doubt what you were doing?
I think you can scroll through and look at them with this link but not listen unless you sign up for a Spotify account.
They also have a cool playlist called "Tastebreakers" where they took the songs from the Top 100 list and then compiled a different list. "Start 2019 by broadening your horizons. We've made you a playlist of songs from genres and artists you don't normally explore - and we think you'll like it." The playlist is pretty f'n awesome. Anyways, this blog is sounding like an advertisement for Spotify.
2018 isn't over yet but all of this had me reflecting. 2018 was a strange year. I was kind of all over the place. I think a lot of it tied into my struggle to get a date as a poor person living with my parents or even beyond those "excuses": How do I date and be ok in my own skin? Or, at least this is seemingly what My Interpreter is piecing together (Michael Gazzaniga, Gifford Lectures, "The Interpretor" Youtube it - fascinating stuff). Or, more simply how do I get ok in my own skin?
I remember back to my days of waking up at 5am to train. I got pretty nicely pumped up there. I still think bodybuilding is based in vanity and narcissism. Byung-Chul Han posits that depression is based in narcissism as well. I think my unaltered state is to be pretty narcissistic. Now part of this is AA brainwashing. I really can't answer the question if I am more self-centered or narcissistic than the average person. I really don't know. But, my immediate response to being self-centered and narcissistic is to go help someone else. That I must help someone else or I am going to end up drinking or doing drugs again. I am in conflict with these fellowships. I can never feel ok in my own skin if I am a part of them and it seems to be difficult to be ok in my own skin without them.
There was my experiences with Tinder which spurned the dissatisfaction to look further into Buddhism. I pretty much went tunnel vision in one to tunnel vision in another. I am not sure how I moderate that behavior. It seems to cause a lot of suffering.
There was that amazing 2 month period of being unemployed. I learned a lot.
Tonight I thought about going to an AA meeting just to get out of the house and socialize with some people. Even if those people are going to tell me I need to pray and I need to turn my will and my life over to God. I made myself dinner and signed up for a complex science course instead. Seeing the two options written out there is really no competition.
So, what are some things I am trending towards as we move into 2019?
I would like to get back into Buddhism. Start exploring Samatha (Calm) meditation. I am holding off on scriptures. Currently, really enjoying "Infinite Jest" by DFW. Overall, it is just enjoyable but also I think it helps me with AA. Here is a guy poking fun at the whole situation and it's great.
How am I going to be ok in my own skin and find a society to be a part of with out having to conform?
That is a tricky one but I think learning more about relevant sciences and Buddhism is a part of that. I suppose I also may just have to accept that I will spend my Saturday nights making myself dinner, watching science lectures and posting on LP. I will take my dinner tonight though. I cooked up some rice at like 35c per serving, fried 2 eggs my dad had in the fridge that were going to go bad before he comes home from his trip, mixed in some chili paste my Thai aunt gave me, and added a little bit of Sriracha. This is something else I will be working on. Working on meals over the course of the week that are varied, vegan, nutritious, nourishing. Using the produce that is local, in season, and organic if possible.
I think this Tastebreakers playlist is an atopic Other bringing me out of my depression. Who knows?
People are always in transition but it feels like I am in transition. Not that I want to be. I want consistency, homeostasis, comfort, peace, contentment. Where do I start? I just felt like writing a blog. I am in a frame of mind where I just do what I want to do then I sleep a lot then I work. I am not forcing myself to meditate or go to meetings or read scriptures or be "spiritual." This whole tutz thing is almost comical but I don't want to be mean. He's a caricature of what I am trying to steer clear of. What does it even mean to be spiritual? My therapist commented today that I don't seem to be of the flesh. I had no idea what she was talking about. I had to Google it. Turns out it is Romans 8 from the Bible: "You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ." What does it mean to be in the realm of the Spirit? My therapist also said I was thoughtful and cerebral which it felt like she was describing herself but I would say fair ways to describe myself as well. I think talking to her about my Buddhist teacher situation was helpful. It just is what it is. The tough part is what do I do now? Fuck it man, I just do what I end up doing. Back to determined, atheist, pseudo-nihilist (that ends up going back to AA meetings because there is seemingly nothing else to do). It felt good today to hunker down and watch one of the Gifford Lectures Loco posted. It was stimulating. I would say it was even exciting. I don't think I've had excitement in my life for 4 months if not longer. Some would say it's a bit deranged to get excited about a lecture on neuroscience but fuck the naysayers. This is my life. That's how it happened to go. Which I started writing this blog about my thoughts and I've been thinking on the way to the therapist because I was supposed to bring her my goals and I am thinking in therapy and then I am thinking on the ride home and I am thinking all day and most of these thoughts are completely repetitive and useless. I have little else to do though than to just think. I remember in meditation I experienced the mundanity of thought. Even though one of my favorites Byung-Chul Han stressed the value of contemplative lingering. What is right?
Who wouldn't want a good mentor or teacher? But, I am burned out at the thought of it. I don't even know what I want.
I watched a Warcraft 3 game today. 120 vs Moon. Brought back memories. 120 is crazy good. I remember playing this game for 10+ hours a day with the goal of being a progamer. I could be competitive at a local WCG Qualifier and even almost qualified for WCG online one summer but was no where close to being a progamer. Actually, that wasn't even the goal I just wanted to be l337 and travel to some tournaments. Failed. But, I heard TillerMaN was playing poker and did some investigations and found teamliquid poker discussion and carved out a decent living for some years. Far better than I ever would have done at wc3. It's crazy though that I was perfectly cool with playing wc3 for 10+ hours a day. I would skip meals and not care. Not shower. Nothing else mattered. And, you know what? I loved it. Maybe a stranger thing is that I don't have the gamer in me at all anymore. I don't know what's in me anymore. It seems like I get excited about organic plants and how to prepare them. I get enthused about LP which may be a bit pathetic but it's honestly probably my favorite thing besides sleeping at this point. I tried reading some Raman Maharshi last night and got through like 2 pages and was just thoroughly not enthused. I just sit and listen to Björk. There is not a whole lot I trust in Buddhism at this point and never profoundly experienced the benefits of not listening to music. I am not meditating anyways so what's the difference? I can't get distracted doing something I have no intention of doing at the moment.
I am not going to meetings. Any meetings. My brainwashing is telling me this might be a problem. Friends in AA and Refuge have been texting me and calling me to come back. I will probably go on Wednesday if my friend texts me. Begrudgingly but in some ways happy that there just may be some connection in my life. Even if it's with a bunch of brainwashed drunks.
I remember probably the highest I've ever been in my life. I was stressed after a bad session and was inhaling a blunt of really dope stuff thinking the more and faster I puffed the faster I could escape my woes. I thought I was going to die. I had unnerving sensations pulsing through out my body. I vaguely remember someone saying sugar helps ease the high and I vaguely remember staring at the refrigerator for what literally could have been 20 min. I don't think I ever got any fruit juice I intended on getting. I thought I have to get my mind off of these thoughts and played Mario Kart. I was teetering on euphoria and thinking I could go back to death's door any moment. I seemed like I was in the clear so I just lay in my bed and listened to Björk and entered this 4th dimension of bliss. She saved me that fox from Iceland. I will always love Björk. Bebel Gilberto with an iv of red wine has also been my consistent savior..... Until it wasn't it......
Not a lot changes. Candle lit. Thinking "deeply" about the mundane. The Struggle.
Meditation, spirituality, resting phase by LemOn[5thF], December 03
Being a poker pro gives you this amazing possibility and drive to explore new things, every single one of you probably thinks back about your career
And how great it was to have the flexibility to explore the world when you want, but as you work on your own you actually get to have the drive left to socialize and do exciting things with people YOU want instead of being drained by interactions from coworkers and clients.
And how stupid you were if you didn't grab the possibility and make the most of it as all of us fail to do at certain periods.
But enough of the passive aggressive jabs at you quitters who won't run sims with me a post hands and such
Well one of these nights I decided to go to a nuclear physics faculty (or whatever the hell it's called, I'm.sure you'll correct me)
First I tasted a pretty delish ice cream made by liquid nitrogen, seriously the guy was cooking it up, nitrogen spewing everywhere looked like a magic potion
But turned out to be just a way cooler looking fridge
I then proceeded to witness a genius burning magnesium, and with his cool science joke he proceeded to demonstrate how dry ice will put the fire out, it doesn't. Instead it starts to resemble and exploding star and bloody blinded me instead.
And then my hand was on GODDAMN WILD FIRE! As I was the only volunteer who allowed his hands to be set ablaze by a substance I didn't ask about, but that burned at low temperatures. Pretty sure this was the stuff used in movies before CGI
Ad then the finále, a lecture of complex states in physics applied to neuropsychology. https://i.gyazo.com/1855f251f06b9aea7553e6f86e91ac39.jpg
And hence lies the meat of the blog - I'm fucking cringing every time Tutz pulls shit like vibration or energy or higher states of consciousness in esoteric terms, when these people thing they are special, almost better than you dumb-asses trying to apply logic to unexplainable things, and simply using the mentions terms as these placeholders for shit they don't understand. #Go Science!
I've been meditating off and on for 10 years now, done Kwan-um-zen, read a bunch of books and ain't no esoteric shit there that can't be explained. And the most interesting piece of the lecture were MRI scans that were taken from subjects who were performing various activities, including induced Psychedelic states by substances found in shrooms under controlled conditions.
And the interesting thing that came up is that the part of the brain during both Psychedelic resting phase, where you don't think or do about anything at all actually lights up the most has most blood flow etc. And every time you actively try to think solve problems work etc. You're basically forcing the brain away from the ares that light up the most and are the most powerful. A theory might be that it's simple into have a problem to solve you're likely to also need your body etc. So the parts needed allocate less resources toothed high resource intensive brain.
While at resting time it let's the resting state brain go nuts. This resting state brain is also high in entropy
- Imagine it as a much wider bandwidth of information, with much higher levels of chaos also that's caused by the increased number of simple systems /neurons that get actively connected together and cause complexity and chaos.
It's induced by psychedelics, near death experiences and I presume also deep meditation.
And therefore lie lessons, if you want your brain to think harder, stop trying to actively think harder but induce a resting phase by whatever means you see fit.
And when you have the esoteric experiences, and start pulling shit like vibrations spirit animals that you think came to you from the netherworld know it's just the powerful part of the brain with high bandwidth and high chaos that's creating the things that are coming to you and allows you to create and pick them out of there, much like the mind if of child, someone with near death experience, or that dude you've seen high on shrooms on your last Couchella
Hello dear ones,
In this blog I will write my story of spiritual awakening. The intention of this is mainly to inspire others to follow the spiritual path of self-discovery.
I understand everything I write here will be dissected and analyzed by fellow LPers. A lot of what I say will be dismissed by most, but that’s ok. I have no intention to convince the rational mind, as what I’m going to describe can’t be fully understood in the level of mind. There is a deeper dimension in all of us, the one that is there when thoughts aren’t. That’s the part of you that I might be able to reach, if you have enough presence.
If what I’m about to say makes no sense to you, it means you are not ready for these words. It does not mean you are less than me, it just means you are still in a different path. But if my words resonate with a deeper dimension of your being, that could be a hint that you should look further. I would like to dedicate this to our friend RikD, and I hope my words reach him the way I meant them to.
I will divide my story in ‘Events’, as I feel I can point specific moments in my life that shifted my level of consciousness, little by little.
------Event #1: Emotional reaction to Eckhart Tolle teachings
Back in 2015 (I was 25 years old), I was in my final year of a BSc in Economics and Finance with the University of London. This was a distance learning programme, which allowed me to live anywhere while studying. I say this just so the more rational friends here at least know I have some sort of academic background, although I don’t believe having one is of any importance to the spiritual path.
In that year, I landed a 4-month long internship at the United Nations in Geneva (Switzerland). One day in Geneva a close friend of mine recommended me Eckhart Tolle’s books. He was not a friend in any sort of ‘spiritual path’, but rather agnostic, just as me, but he thought Eckhart had interesting insights. At the time I liked to go to a park near my place in Geneva to read something while smoking a joint, usually on Sundays. I decided to buy Tolle’s book called ‘A New Earth’ and give it a shot.
I remember right off the bat I thought the book was crap, since in the first pages it cites a few Christian passages and ‘esoteric mumbo jambo’, as I thought, but I had a lot of respect for the friend that recommended me the book, so I decided to keep at it. As I continued reading the book, it became more and more interesting. At one point in the book, Eckhart talked about the shift in collective consciousness that Earth is going through, and I had a gut reaction like never before. I felt choked out, wanted to cry, but I could not understand that feeling. Where was it coming from? Am I crazy? I thought… I could not yet realize, as I do today, that my higher self was waving a huge red flag trying to tell me I was reading a profound truth, something that I already knew, but was just then ‘remembering’.
This was something that repeated many times over. I would have deep emotional reactions to his books, to a point I could not ignore that there was something there and I could not point exactly what it was. It was enough for me to decide to put some of his teachings to the test. As I started little practices of awareness, ego identification, presence, I could see a shift in the quality of my life. I was at ease much more often than before. This was not something that happened from one day to the other, but a process, where I would sometimes catch my ego, my thoughts, my reaction, and put it to bed. My life got better, people around me started saying I was different, and indeed I felt different. At this point I had to recognize that something had happened, and that there was truth in Eckhart teachings. I decided to re-read all of Eckhart books, along with a couple from Osho (because Osho had similar teaching to Eckhart’s), as to get a deeper grasp on those teachings. This time the ‘esoteric mumbo jambo’ made more sense than before, so I started to think: ‘maybe there is something here…’.
-----Event #2: Heat sensations during meditation
Now we are in 2016. Until this point, I had never meditated in my life. It was something I regarded as pointless. In fact I could not stand just being still, I could not ‘stop thinking’, my rational brain would kick in and call me stupid for even trying such a thing.
This changed because, seeing the shift in my life that Eckhart and Osho’s teachings brought about, I realized I could not just ignore the part of the teachings that I felt unconformable with. I thought: “well, should I also meditate and see what happens?”. I downloaded an app called “Insight Timer” and committed myself to meditate every morning for just 15 minutes. This would be a test, so I could at least say I tried. My first trials were uncomfortable, I could not find the right position to sit, and my brain would go crazy during the whole 15 minutes. This lasted for about a month. But one thing that caught my attention was that, every time I felt like I was in a meditative state, my body would heat up a little bit. It was a little weird at first and I usually took it as a sign I was doing something wrong, that my body was in a wrong position. Eventually I realized this heat sensation was always there, so whenever it came up, I decided to hold it and see what would happen, to see if it would eventually just go away.
To my surprise, it didn’t. It became more intense the more I held the meditative state. My body started heating so much I could not just sit there. It forced me to stand up and stop meditating, because I felt very uncomfortable. As soon as I would stop meditating, my body would immediately cool down. This was so crazy to my rational mind that I decided to google about it in order to find out if other people had the same experiences. I found many answers, none scientific enough to be able to satisfy my rational mind. All explanations I could find were ‘esoteric’. More importantly, the esoteric explanations mostly pointed out that this was a form a ‘mediumship’, that is, a form of connection to the spiritual realm, which to me sounded sooo crazy.
-----Event #3: Finding a teacher: Professor Laercio Fonseca
During this search for an answer I came across the teachings of Professor Laercio Fonseca. He is a Brazilian spiritual teacher, one of the most famous and respected. He has a youtube channel with hundreds of hours of teachings. I started to watch his videos with a lot of skepticism, but this quickly changed, and I will explain why. Now we are in 2017, almost 2018.
Professor Laercio specialized in helping people get in direct contact with the spiritual world. He teaches several techniques that can help almost anyone get there. His techniques entail a lot of self-discipline. Also, the seeker must have some sort of predisposition to mediumship, which is mostly genetic, but can also be developed.
From his videos, I learned that the sensations during meditation, specially the heat sensation, is a sign of mediumship, and that this can be further developed. I learned that one of the essential things one should do in order to develop mediumship is to become a vegan. This is because plants have a much higher vibration frequency than animal-based food, and so it becomes much easier to access higher states of consciousness if you eat vegetables only. This was the hardest part for me, as I was (maybe still am) a meat lover. But at this point I was committed to finding out what exactly everything I was experiencing was, so I enrolled in a Vegan Culinary Course (lol) and forced myself to become a vegan. To this day I’m still learning to be a vegan, and sometimes I miss meat, but I can’t deny how this has changed my life, so there is no turning back. I’m vegan for life now…
After becoming a vegan, my mediumship exploded. It was so quick, just as if my spiritual guides were waiting all that time for me to stop eating meat so they could reach me.
-----Event 4#: Manifestation of my Spiritual Guide (and others)
One day, about a month after becoming a vegan, the heat sensation through my body was so strong that drops of sweat started dripping from my face. This was during a 15 minutes meditation… After the meditation I remember recording a video and sending to my family and friends showing how I was sweating at 5am from meditation while outside was 10° degrees. The next day I thought I should do a longer session, just to see how I would feel. I put the timer to 30 minutes and sat there, 4am in the morning, ready to be all sweaty again.
Then, after about 20 minutes in, my spiritual guide manifested right in front of me. I wasn’t scared at all. He was smiling and I could feel all the love emanating from him… I was the most amazing sensation I ever felt. There was no doubt in my mind, I was not questioning, I could see and feel, as if me and him knew each other from a long time ago. I didn’t say anything, I just looked, smiled, said ‘thank you’ in my mind many times over. I was so grateful for that moment… It changed my life.
From this day on, my body continued to heat during meditation, but it was not as strong as before. My guide started to appear many times during my meditation, and he started to teach me. I could write much much more about everything I have learned from him, but then this would be a much more ‘esoteric’ blog, and that is not my intention here. I know people here will call me crazy just for the things I have already said. If I start talking about Samsara or Reincarnation, chances are less people will pay attention to what I’m trying to say.
What I want out of this blog is to draw attention from those who are seeking and are ready to listen. It is my mission, as it is yours too, to awaken as many fellow humans as possible in order to help ease the shift in consciousness earth is going through. If only one person here resonates with what I’m saying, my mission here is accomplished.
Dear ones, if you have questions, I’m sure I can answer them, but please have in mind that my answer will most likely not be what your rational mind is expecting. Earth is a school for spiritual evolution. We are all here to learn. Let’s humble ourselves in recognition of our own worldly ignorance.
Wasu wasu LP, long time no see. Going to Vegas for the first time this new years with a couple of friends, any recommendations on what to do? Anyone there during new years?
I am a bit depressed. I really have no idea if this blog will help I am just grasping at straws. It feels like at this point in time I should know how to deal with depression: hang out with friends, go for a walk, refrain from sleeping so damn much but sleep is the only reprieve I have from an existence that is so mundane. Where did this all come from? I think part of it stems from feeling like I had a way in life. The Buddha, the Dhamma, the Sangha. Except for the fact my meditation teacher fell through. Actually, my original Buddhist "guru" Noah Levine was surrounded by scandal. The local monk was a bust and then the online monk who seemed to be the answer was not. I was meditating for 1+ hours a day for many days and reading scripture religiously. I can never have a Sangha because I can never become a monk. I still believe in the Buddha and the Dhamma but can't seem to get myself to read anything. The only thing I read is "Infinite Jest" by DFW which is quite a sad novel. I also read AdBusters magazine which is a bit much at times but I have been enjoying it. If anyone would like to read the most recent one or 5 classic magazines digitally PM me and I'll send you the link.
So, I grasp. I go to AA meetings. AA meetings full of praying and turning our life and wills over to G O D. But, maybe I have some conversations with some fellow drunks and maybe that makes me feel better. Then there is Refuge. It means well but I don't know the exact words I want to use to disparage it.
I don't see my therapist until next week I had to do something.
I realize I have very few friends here that I can text or call and do something with. It didn't seem to bother me when I was on this path to Enlightenment but now that path seems tarnished or tired and honestly the best time I've had in the last 2 months was getting vegan curry with a friend and going for a walk.
The biggest event in the last week was going to Goodwill to investigate the clothing they had there. Rather disappointing.
The mid-term elections just ended. I was watching news when I saw Nancy Pelosi. I google searched "Nancy Pelosi young" then "Nancy Pelosi naked", expecting to see exactly what I saw -- a photo of her face cropped on various poses of naked women. I was kind of turned on by it. More seriously though, I find myself having trouble with political identity. I don't really fit in with either side of the political spectrum. I am fearful that I will always be without friends, without sides, without identity. I am working on this though so we'll see how it goes.
I am pretty shallow. I can't get myself to like a girl unless she is reasonably hot. I also fear that a woman will grow old and fat in a long term relationship. The world itself is very shallow though. I have found that you generally end up with someone similar in attractiveness level to you. The world tells me I am not attractive. It sucks. I posted on social media for the first time in awhile a few months back and a girl liked my post that I think I could have gone out with. She def was not very attractive. She was really asian, church-going, and didn't have her shit together life wise. The thing that annoyed me most was that I got the impression she just kind of presumed that she and I were a great match for some reason which was depressing.
I've thought about getting a cat recently but I haven't made up my mind whether its a good idea or not. I've also thought about getting into scuba diving.
For the first time in literally years
I had my eyes glued to the monitor, laughed, sang along, paused to think and appreciate what just happened, cried first with laughter (grandma passage in the audience), then actually fucking cried (you'll know when guaranteed if you know SNL cast member's past vaguely), the 1.15hours passed like 10 minutes
I also had one of the most surreal nights of my life yesterday, I actually am gonna sit down and write it down thing by thing for myself just to remember everything that happened, it was insane coincidences happening, and me just laughing in awe all night at what's unravelling. But that's a story for me that you wouldn't nearly appreciate, 100% Fresh however you can, and I hope you will be as shocked as I am that this over the top unfunny guy (in recent years at least) can produce something like this
Contact Users: 755 Active, 0 Logged in - Time: 02:42
from the Bible: "You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ." What does it mean to be in the realm of the Spirit? My therapist also said I was thoughtful and cerebral which it felt like she was describing herself but I would say fair ways to describe myself as well. I think talking to her about my Buddhist teacher situation was helpful. It just is what it is. The tough part is what do I do now? Fuck it man, I just do what I end up doing. Back to determined, atheist, pseudo-nihilist (that ends up going back to AA meetings because there is seemingly nothing else to do). It felt good today to hunker down and watch one of the Gifford Lectures Loco posted. It was stimulating. I would say it was even exciting. I don't think I've had excitement in my life for 4 months if not longer. Some would say it's a bit deranged to get excited about a lecture on neuroscience but fuck the naysayers. This is my life. That's how it happened to go. Which I started writing this blog about my thoughts and I've been thinking on the way to the therapist because I was supposed to bring her my goals and I am thinking in therapy and then I am thinking on the ride home and I am thinking all day and most of these thoughts are completely repetitive and useless. I have little else to do though than to just think. I remember in meditation I experienced the mundanity of thought. Even though one of my favorites Byung-Chul Han stressed the value of contemplative lingering. What is right? 
,
,
,
,