RiKD   United States. Feb 21 2019 21:58. Posts 5418
Everyone is asking me, "Do you feel better?" .................................................
Of course I don't feel better. I hate being Bi-polar, it's awesome!
I had less than 3 hours of sleep for 6 days and I had never felt better. There is a nagging tiredness or a nagging restlessness that can emerge but then I have just learned to escalate the stimulation and see where that goes. There were 2 hour car karaoke sessions. I lost my voice. A 2 hour interpretive dance session that was like the most fun I've had since drinking 4 Red Bull + Vodka and popping molly at a killer rave. I started creating art again. I love that zone. I cleaned my golf clubs. I fixed my lacrosse stick. I put on the greatest display of pizza prowess in my life on the busiest day of the week. On every pizza I attempted to throw it as close to the ceiling as I could with out touching it. My mom said that was stupid. (She was giving me a ride home because I was in no shape to drive unless it was in a rally race for my life). I told her I am practicing to THROW THE PIZZA THROUGH THE CEILING!!!
This was motivation:
This was me. I identified with this. Except I was performing my forms of art and they were mostly ephemeral. I remember getting an omelette and french fries at a really nice French restaurant downtown. I sketched a bunch of pro-Gilet jaunes art on the table cloth with the french fry as the stylus and the ketchup as the paint. The table cloth was disposable paper. I am not that much of an asshole.
Then there is the comedown. Like "NOOOOOOOOO, This can't be happening!!! I don't wanna leave yet!!!" Like when I was a kid playing with the train station at the library. You know what my mom bribed me with? McDonald's Cheeseburger Happy Meal. That's fucked up. And, people are asking me if I feel better. "Relative to what?" "No, being manic is awesome"
The thing is this manic episode was pretty awesome overall. I didn't go down to the 7th level of Hell. I didn't experience infinite. I wasn't casted out to some other multiverse alone in a space shuttle with no way of getting back to Earth or at least somewhere inhabitable with something at least somewhat humanoid. There have been racing thoughts coming in so fast that the only way to deal with that was hellish primal screaming. Then they would hit me with a bunch of shots and drugs. Who knows how much time had past. I was carrying a virus that would end humanity. U.S.A. and Chinese hackers were in a constant battle in my brain. I thought the showers were gas chambers. I thought the shampoo was poison. I had to solve the code or else the world would end. To my mind I was in a torture and death camp.
Contrast this to my last episode and maybe I am just feeling a little tired at times or a bit out of touch with reality. The thing about that is that if I just embrace the loss of reality everything will be ok. I've been through this before. I know Spotify is not really trying to communicate with me and if they are cool they just did anyway.
But, now I am back in the drudgery of life. Who the fuck wouldn't want to be euphoric for a week or two? The hangover was not nearly as bad as some of my drug hangovers in the past. When I am manic I am a guy that creates concerts in the forests of Vexin, FR and all the marketing/design/etc. and makes all the women smile and laugh (not all... there are certainly some missteps with being very honest and manic but in my mind they all smiled and laughed). Now, I'm just some schlub with a bit of a belly because I eat too much, living in my parents' spare room, typically, occasionally writing about politics on a dwindling poker website. Nice identity. It is like I enjoyed my recent episode so much I just strive to go back there. Fuck Rojava. Fuck Food Not Bombs. Fuck Local Farms. Bring me THE ENTERTAINMENT, THE SIMULATION, SASHA GREY VIRTUAL REALITY. Speaking on the ladder my sexual desire was fucking ridiculous but it didn't bring me suffering. I literally thought I was in love with Mexie which I am in love with Mexie but not romantically, yet. She was the muse of this most recent outburst of productivity but I don't really like the word productivity when detailing art, philosophy, history, geography, political science, psychology, sociology, anthropology, biology, complex sciences, ecology, et al.
It seems like in these manic episodes if I can grasp on to some form of Beauty it fuels my experience. I need it like those people in the Inception needed their items. In a past manic episode I thought I was in love with another women with her name starting with the letter M and the thing is I really was in love with her but I was in love with the idea of her. Another time it was Rihanna. Another time it was Kate Upton. Another time it was a woman let's call her K. She looked like a Queen from Africa. She was a Doctor. K was for Kharisma. Great smile, funny, smart. I used to call her Queen Bee. It's like as long as they are guiding me I am not going to lose my way. This could be a dangerous way of thinking and M even told me so when we were waiting in the Psych Ward waiting room. But, then the mania kind of takes over and I am in love with this women, and I am in love with this women and I am in love with this women just for having sexy, engaging eyes and a great smile.
So, I have sort of lost my way at this point. It feels like I had some breakthroughs over the last 2 weeks of mania or so but I really could have just been some crazed cat in some shiny ball chasing Odyssey.
RiKD   United States. Feb 23 2019 04:01. Posts 5418
I keep a garden of Thai basil. There is a lot of it. I started placing some of it in my Thai Buddhist offering plate. I started the practice (again) when I was manic but I kind of like it. It is a daily reminder of impermanence. I don't really consider myself Buddhist anymore but I will likely always have reverence for the Buddha. I also found that the offering plate is a great amplifier of sound. I can place my iphone in there and the sound level and quality is better than anything else I have experienced (besides obviously hooking it up to a speaker system ldo). So, I am boosting my iphone's sound capabilities and also offering Dope music to the Buddha himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Buddha would not listen to music but I am trying to open up his mind and the Thai Buddhist offering system is fucked anyways. Why they would offer tables worth of food to the Buddha and leave populations of Thai/Earth citizens starving is beyond me.
I had a psychiatrist/psychoanalyst/therapist (PPT) session today. I kind of like going down the route of intense sessions of diving into my shadow (Jungian) or working on how I/We are going to save the world but today was just kind of blahzay blahzay blah blah blah Bipolar I Disorder, DSM IV, Manic 201. I actually did learn some things so it wasn't without insight. I realize at the end of the day any time I go manic I am really attempting to push it as far as I can without going to some version of Hell that is constructed by my own mind. It's not like I've ever created some great work while manic even if it sometimes feels that way while in mania. There have been significant, bonafide good to great ideas harvested however. I mean the overriding factor here is that going manic is fun and feels good. But, my PPT soberly reminded me of the _______ effect. Basically, that the severity and longevity of manic episodes progressively worsens over time. This is the number one reason to manage and medicate Bipolar I Disorder.
I took a walk on the beach today. It was cold but it was nice. My sister got another interview at the school she wants to work at so we had a chat. She is going to revolutionize counseling in schools. It's also just nice talking to a fellow anti-capitalist. My other sister is an audiologist for a non-profit. That is cool. My brother probably has the most processing power of all of us and he is wasting it all at Chase Bank. He is a Senior Data Scientist. I think his first project was working on algorithms to sniff out bank fraud which is all well and good but his next project was to make algorithms to find targets for predatory loans. It is depressing. He loves Jamie Dimon. We've had our quarrels about it and Wall Street and the Big Banks. I do not even look for information but stuff keeps coming out that sickens me. Like, the fact that Jamie Dimon was Rick Snyder's largest campaign donor. I find it hard to believe Mr. Jamie Dimon didn't have anything to do with those new pipeline plans. Where there is construction projects there is the need for Capital (watch Fahrenheit 11/9).
There was another point in the walk where I solemnly looked around... at the ocean, at the sky, feeling the breeze... I wondered... Would I ever do anything great? What does that even mean? Does it even matter? Does anything even matter beyond like 5 precepts or neo-5 precepts or whatever?
I looked at the ocean again. I looked at the sky again. The glorious, majestic ocean. 75% of our Earth is water. Capitalism is destroying this precious ecology. Our atmosphere so perfect that not even God could imagine it. Then, I looked to my left... Multi-million dollar house after multi-million dollar house. How could these people be so ignorant?
So, you have $100 million dollars. You collect $5 million dollar houses. Yeah, they will be out of a $5 million dollar house but oh well you still have $95 million dollars and can move to Wisconsin or Michigan or wherever.... Estonia where Rupert Murdoch is buying up all the real estate. What about everyone else on the coasts? It is beyond ridiculous.
dnagardi   Hungary. Feb 24 2019 22:00. Posts 1605
your blogs are very hard to read. Jumping in topics so fast. I guess this is because of your Bipolar illness.
By the way how can you only sleep 3 hours in 6days? I would probably die.
RiKD   United States. Feb 25 2019 01:31. Posts 5418
It could be in part due to being manic but I think it is just the way I write. I write manic pretty much all the time. I would wager that my thoughts dart faster than most even when I am in euthymia (normal, tranquil mental state).
I figured the sleep thing might be misunderstood. I averaged probably 2 hours of sleep over 6 days. Actually, probably more like 3 hours of sleep. Some days if I was lucky I got 4 which was rare. Somedays I literally got 1 hour of sleep and literally jumped out of bed and was off to the races.
RiKD   United States. Feb 25 2019 02:38. Posts 5418
I got a black and red snail tattoo yesterday (¡Lento, pero avanzo!)(¡Liberación!)(¡Viva la Revolución!). God, I love tattoo shops and getting tattoos. I might go broke this spring on ink. I walk in and they have the beautiful artwork everywhere, they have some massive, wild dragon incense holder with incense ablaze, you got the tattoo machines blaring, beautiful women covered in tattoos, cool as fuck people, progressive metal blasting on the speakers, ET AL. My tattoo artist was Cool AF. I really found a piece of tranquility that is hard to find about 20 min. into the tattoo when she requested OutKast "ATLiens" which is one of my all-time favorite albums little did she know and we are discussing anti-neo-liberal economics and ecology and Andre 3000 and the lyrics to "Elevators." This is where you might expect me to say I fell in love but it wasn't like that. It was just one of those places and times that I often seek but cannot necessarily conjure. ¡Transcendance!
I don't necessarily want to spend too much time on that though. It's not like some tattoo is actual work towards Avanzo, Liberación, or Revolución. I think I just wanted to point out the fact that tattoo shops have always been a safe haven for me. I ate dinner at an independent diner as well. Independent diners and tattoo shops are my safe havens. I want to be among the OutKasts.
This is something I have been thinking about again. I studied it in University and then I touched on it when I really got into Game Theory when I was playing poker. I remember there was a period of time I was barely playing and just studying Game Theory. I thought about going back to school for it but really my idea was making maybe $2million from poker and retiring and doing whatever I want. Anyways, Prisoner's Dilemma:
In my life actually the most relevant use of Prisoner's Dilemma was in dating. I always utilized a Tit for tat strategy. Meaning, if she cooperated, I cooperated. If she defected, I defected. For example, if we set up a date and she shows up and the date goes well maybe I go for a kiss or maybe I ask her on another date. If she stops communicating then I stop communicating. I was (and am) completely transparent with this strategy.
It was the same in sales. If the customer was buying from me I would continue doing business with them. If not I would not communicate with them unless I thought I had a sincere way to add value to their operation. I had customers ask me "Hey, why don't you stop by and chat anymore?" "Because you don't buy anything." Actually, in those situations usually the customer needed something or would end up buying something so I started cooperating again.
But, what I have been thinking about lately is the Prisoner's Dilemma and Tit for Tat Strategy as it relates to violence. I have actually been too lazy to mess around with different outcomes and EV regarding Prisoner's Dilemma and different death outcome scenarios. That is pretty fascinating imo. I think I have more been thinking about the Tit for Tat Strategy. Like, at a Nazi rally it is like we can cooperate and not get all that violent or the violence will escalate. Once a Nazi defects and shoots Cornell West in the heart I don't think it is necessarily viable to mow down every Nazi in sight with my assault rifle but I am probably going to injure every Nazi in sight firing a weapon. If I do mow down every Nazi in sight then that is like next level defection and than Nazi's will mow down every non-Nazi in sight and that would be bad. I am at a disadvantage in a vacuum if the Nazis defect first but it is still not the optimal strategy for them and they will lose in the long run by playing that strategy. It is optimal for both sides to play a Tit for Tat Strategy and be open about it.
So much to learn, so little time. Lento, pero avanzo. ¡Vive la Révolución!
RiKD   United States. Feb 25 2019 03:58. Posts 5418
What to do... what to do....
I am through all of Mexie and ContraPoint's videos.
a privileged vegan
Living Planet Report 2006
Film: I Am Cuba
The War You Don't See
Film: Mullholland Drive
Jordan Peterson Explains Psychoanalytic Theory
Don't Talk To The Police - YouTube Video
It's hard to keep up man.
At least I don't have 100+ browsers open like when I was manic. It felt like I was actually keeping up with that though. I mean when you only sleep 2 hours a night and the flame is burning bright..... Lento, pero avanzo. Make some pizzas, Take a bite out of crime, One day at a time.
I'm actually getting pretty tired. Might be time to casually browse the newest AdBusters.
RiKD   United States. Feb 25 2019 04:05. Posts 5418
I am an Earth citizen with a U.S.A. Passport.
ni aux patries
ni aux parties
dnagardi   Hungary. Feb 26 2019 18:37. Posts 1605
in your definition what is manic behaviour?
RiKD   United States. Feb 26 2019 19:01. Posts 5418
What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar I Disorder?
During a manic episode in someone with bipolar disorder, elevated mood can manifest itself as either euphoria (feeling "high" or as irritability.
Abnormal behavior during manic episodes includes:
Flying suddenly from one idea to the next
Rapid, "pressured" (uninterruptable), and loud speech
Increased energy, with hyperactivity and a decreased need for sleep
People in manic episodes may spend money far beyond their means, have sex with people they wouldn't otherwise, or pursue grandiose, unrealistic plans. In severe manic episodes, a person loses touch with reality. They may become delusional and behave bizarrely.
Untreated, an episode of mania can last anywhere from a few days to several months. Most commonly, symptoms continue for a few weeks to a few months. Depression may follow shortly after, or not appear for weeks or months.
Many people with bipolar I disorder experience long periods without symptoms in between episodes. A minority has rapid-cycling symptoms of mania and depression, in which they may have distinct periods of mania or depression four or more times within a year. People can also have mood episodes with "mixed features," in which manic and depressive symptoms occur simultaneously, or may alternate from one pole to the other within the same day.
Depressive episodes in bipolar disorder are similar to "regular" clinical depression, with depressed mood, loss of pleasure, low energy and activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. Depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder can last weeks or months, but rarely longer than one year.
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 08:12. Posts 5418
Damn, I love this film.
Now, I said I was going to watch Jordan Peterson's take on it but I worry it may upset me. He completely mangles Nietzsche and Derrida but that is outside of his wheelhouse (even though he has no idea he has no idea). Actually, I have no idea if he is qualified to discuss psychoanalytic theory either to be honest. Is it worth $100 to discuss it with my psychiatrist who is educated and experienced on the matter? That would be a fun therapy session. Emailing her to see if she will watch Mullholland Drive and discuss it with me for an hour on Monday at 10am. This is the inception of a new fantasy. My psychiatrist and I go to a dive bar (I already have it picked out), drink craft beers on tap and discuss Mullholland Drive and psychoanalytic theory from Freud to Jung to Rank. Nothing sexual about it unless it goes in that direction I suppose but how cool would that be if therapy sessions could be held at dive bars. I mean people are having therapy sessions at dive bars every day through out the world but I want to lounge on a couch on shrooms attempting to unearth the monumental repressed terra lying within the shadow of Jupiter. Jupiter Optimus Maximus. I am a God. I like creating art in my own image and jerking off to myself in the mirror. I want to have blonde haired, blue eyed babies........... meh..... Actually, I was just talking at dinner about how beautiful the women in South America are. My friend who is a French artist described the femininity in such a beautiful way how the women of South America are the most beautiful birds singing the most beautiful songs to large, bright, vivid males. Probably, would piss off a French feminazi or three but you just have to live in Buenos Aires (at the least) to understand. Is that neo-stuntin'? Yeah, I eat dinner with French artists who poetically describe the femininity of South American women. I have also had this conversation with my brother-in-law who is de Colombia. I think it is really complicated. You have someone like Natalie (ContraPoints) who is obsessed with aesthetics at this point. She can't really compete with say:
Sofia Vergara (She's 46!!!)
Or, just Google "peru world cup girl"
But, this doesn't even fully explain the way they move, talk, and act. But, the thing is I dated a bisexual feminist who joked that she was androgynous but I was dating her for her mind, heart, kindness, (kink), et al but at the end of the day I was drawn away by a shinier ball in the form of a classic Southern belle archetype who was structurally determined with an Aura of femininity. What does femininity even mean in today's world? I really feel for Natalie (ContraPoints) because I am pretty sure no matter what she does she can't perform "Hips don't lie" and make my dick hard like Shakira can. I would date Natalie (ContraPoints) for the conversation though but I feel like that is dishonest. I had a YouTube crush on a French asexual who didn't shave but she was very pretty and had a nice shape to her. Hell, man, I'll take some rail thin Japanese chick in some Issey Miyake. I'll take her without the Issey Miyake as well. But, I don't know if it would last.
One thing though is that like it seems recently I have been talking to some cool people who think deeply about stuff and they both were discussing about how they were always in existential turmoil, then they had a kid, and then the existential turmoil just disappeared. I want to study this more. I've heard this from a lot of people. Surely, it could be studied from a biological, philosophical, sociological, complex systems, et al perspective.
Is unearthing repression always a good thing?
Should we engage in immortality projects even if we know it is pointless to some degree?
What is the definition of pointless in the last question?
We all die. Why not attempt to make life better?
Suicide is bad. So, I need to do my best to make life good.
I think deep down I actually want to have kids. I have fantasized about all sorts of races and ethnicities and shapes, color palettes, sizes of women. I am also fascinated by the different color palettes of women as it relates to makeup and fashion. I used to be afraid of that but I am pretty open about it these days and I have seen positive results. I do my best to just let my anima soar these days. I would love to have a child with someone from Japanese and African descent. But, then again I think it is much more important to me to find Love. Adopting makes more sense to me than procreation but it also seems like a lot of hard work. Not that procreation would not also be a lot of hard work... I enjoy adopting cats for now and writing about partners and Love on the interwebz lulz.
Last edit: 27/02/2019 08:52
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:24. Posts 5418
I suppose my anima could overtake me and that could be bad or I become a trans-woman but I don't see that happening. I am also not a crossdresser yet. Never have been interested. Women's clothing was designed for women. I love women's makeup but on women. Part of me wants to rid the world of cosmetics but then I'll see a really well done smoky eye and lipstick that match the hair and the eyes and the skin tone and the dress and the shoes and I am like bravo and my dick gets hard when she gives me the eyes and I picture taking off that dress and having my way with her later. I don't really know what to do with these sentiments. Cosmetics is such a massive "scam" in a way but they also work. Personally, I just shower and occasionally shampoo or use conditioner. I comb my beard if I have a beard. That's about it. I'm pretty happy with that. I clip my fingernails and toenails when they start getting too long. I trim my pubes if I think there is a chance of getting laid. I buzz off my back and shoulder hair. I have thought about getting some waxing done in the summer.
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:28. Posts 5418
"Buenos Aires Jumpsuit"
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:32. Posts 5418
That's the only size of that image on the interwebz. Let me know if you want me to edit it. 8 "command/-" (unzoom) got it to a decent size.
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:34. Posts 5418
Look at these beautiful Argentine women though:
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:35. Posts 5418
"The penis does the picking." - Patti Stenger
Is this true?
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:41. Posts 5418
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:43. Posts 5418
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:47. Posts 5418
"Large Buenos Aires Jumpsuit"
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:47. Posts 5418
How do you feel about all of these images?
RiKD   United States. Feb 27 2019 18:49. Posts 5418