No New Year's resolutions here. Absolutely not. I ate a whole pint of pistachio gelato the other day just to spite the idea. I remember also feeling quite depressed, lonely, and bored and that that Italian iced cream could somehow fill in The Void.
I started watching movies again. Junk food and movies is my new thing. I'll cook up some rice and beans which is really a perfect meal besides the arsenic in the white basmati rice. Then I'll start in on popcorn and chocolate covered pretzels. I watched "Isle of Dogs" the other day by Wes Anderson. Really enjoyable film. Then I watched "First Reformed" by Paul Schrader. Fuckin' great film. I enjoy stories. I think much of the human population enjoys stories. I typically like it best in the form of a novel but cinema can be quite enchanting in its own right.
I am completely cruelty free in the soap, shampoo, deodorant department. I got some Tom's deodorant. I didn't realize their home base is Kennebunk, ME. That's about 15 min. away from York, ME and is within the diameter of one of my favorite areas of the earth. Biddeford, ME is also within this diameter. Home of milo and Soulfax record store. I may go up and visit my sister and brother-in-law in Northhampton, MA and take a trip to the coast this summer. Being in the South it is like a breath of fresh air going up in that direction. I did better in regards to Tinder in regards to attractive matches and stimulating conversation. It would appear I am more attracted to the Tinder women collective of Western, MA and Coastal, ME than I am Charleston, SC. If I were to generalize I'd say there seems to be a lot of blonde sorority types here in Charleston and a bit more of an unusual, intellectual vibe coming out of those parts of New England. I like black women too but not the ones immersed in popular rap culture. Some Asians are great.
I have been watching a lot of Angelica White porn lately. I like her personality. I like her breasts too and her degree of thickness but in reality those mammary glands are quite large. It just all seems to work out in the world of pornography. In reality, for me, when dating a woman breast size is not really a conscious thing. I remember one woman I dated had rather large breasts and she would wear these blouses showing off blood rushing to the head inducing cleavage. I just wanted to free them up. But, even so they are just mammary glands. I had to want to have a conversation with the woman. A smart, funny, atheist, anti-natalist, with large breasts who is sexually adventurous. Not sure how many of those I'll find.
This blog kind of took a turn for the it seems clear that I at least partially want to start dating again.
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LemOn[5thF] Czech Republic. Jan 05 2019 10:48. Posts 15163
I am just sitting here sipping some coffee and listening to Robert Glasper Experiment and now I find myself tapping keys on my keyboard.
I haven't been drinking caffeine but my mom got me an unannounced gift of some local, independent, fair trade, eco-friendly stuff probably owned by Haliburton. The scene in "First Reformed" when Toller is sitting in the sushi shop eating some delicious looking fish with miso got me thinking why don't I engage in more simple pleasures? What's the difference? What's the point of being vegan in a world owned by capitalism?
It made me think of this song:
It works on so many levels. Sometimes it feels like I can never win and I don't think I as an individual can win whatever that means. But, I was watching this video and just wanted to vomit. I used to listen to that song and watch that video as motivation to go train.
I am a drop in the water as a consumer/voter. Like, it just doesn't matter at all.
One of my heroes, Jon Paul-Sartre said activism was his best life. Better than penning "Being and Nothingness." Che Guevara said activism was a far better life than being a medical doctor even in the times of starvation in the jungles.
So, I'm sitting here vibin' to some Robert Glasper experiment sippin' some coffee again.
The irony in calling Lemon a bumboy is that one time a prostitute fingered my prostate while giving me a phenomenal blow job and I loved it. So, I am a bum and in also some parts a bumboy.
The woman that gave me my first tattoo was a self-described "bum." She just wandered around different cities tattooing people. I was very attracted to her. It wasn't one of those things where I planned to get a tattoo from a Hot Chik. I just walked into the shop and asked if somebody could tattoo me and the clerk was like "hold on a second" and then out walks this alternative babe. It was really chill. I was there with my two sisters. It was like being in a really cool coffee shop in which I happened to be getting tattooed. I still like that tattoo. I really like her handwriting and it is basically a code that only I can understand. Someone who spoke both Russian and English could also decipher it. It means "Russian literature." Dosteovsky kept me from killing myself circa 2011. The same could be said for Tolstoy and Nabokov in 2014. I'm more of an English literature guy these days though. I can read the writer's story how he intended it to go with the words he intended to use. James Joyce, Martin Amis, and David Foster Wallace are probably my top 3 atm. I look forward to reading more avant-garde stuff in the future. Nabokov is pretty good in English too. Lolita is brilliant. Pale Fire, The Real Life of Sebastion Knight, et al.
I was talking to my sisters about what are our karaoke songs?
My thought was this:
What are all of your karaoke songs?
I love Frank Ocean though. When I found out that he was bi-sexual I started questioning could I be bi-sexual? Could I be bi-sexual with Frank Ocean? The answer was always no. I can appreciate the male body aesthetically but definitely not sexually. I used to hug and kiss men on the cheek in Argentina which for my midwestern USA upbringing was rather unusual. I got used to it though and think it's a rather endearing way to say hello and goodbye. What if Frank Ocean wanted to fuck me? Definitely not. I don't want any BBC anywhere near my anus. What if Frank Ocean wanted me to fuck him? I just don't think I could get it hard. I want a woman's ass. A woman's curves. A woman's shape of the back. I want Venus (Rodin's version) not David. I think it was very brave to come out as a gay, black R&B singer though. Brilliant writer. Frank has said he was going to ditch all the music BS and write a novel. I hope he does.
I really want to do mushrooms. I've never done them. I just want to start by taking a micro dose and going for a walk in the woods with friends and scaling up to increasingly large doses as needed. I read for alcoholism and depression the dose would actually just be a reasonable dose every 6 months. John Hopkins University and New York University are doing a lot of great work in this area. The sad truth is that Big Pharm is terrified by the idea of selling only 1 relatively inexpensive unit every 6 months. I would totally be game to take some shrooms and talk to a psychiatrist/therapist as well. The problem with this? The moment I ingest psilocybin I have Relapsed and what does that mean? Well, at this point I don't really give a fuck about Alcoholics Anonymous or Refuge Recovery. I talked to my last psychiatrist about it and he was pro-shroom therapy but said that for me specifically it could induce mania and that that could be a concern. I'm in a mode right now where I am thinking about maybe stirring some shit up would be a good thing.
I'm now listening to Mischief Brew - Songs from Under the Sink. After copious amounts of coffee and chocolate I just needed some folk punk about "Gimme Coffee, or Death" from a band where the lead singer ended up killing himself due to the state of neo-liberal economics. I am eating Equal Exchange Organic & Fairly Traded Dark Chocolate from Panama owned by Exxon.
Let 2019 be the year of activism!
or, the year of sitting in unwashed sweatpants thinking and writing about it........................
I need to get more educated though. Marx and Mexie help. I still need to up my complexity game and there is still a strong part of me that just enjoys independent film and novels. There is not enough time or focus in the day. Especially since I am making pizzas so many hours in the week. There are many various manipulative things my employer takes part in. I am not really at liberty to go into detail. They are much better than the last grocery store I worked for. I think my fearless leader Bezos's master plan is to overpopulate Mars so he can be the Milky Way Galaxy's first trillionaire. I think that's what really fuels him. He wants me to be "Customer Obsessed" so he can fuck around with rockets and probably buy land in Minnesota. I swear anything positive coming from these billionaire fucks is just strategic PR. It's the same for any corporation.
I just want to move to a small village in Costa Rica, be a shepherd in Sardinia, or murder all the clit-mutilators and billionaires on Earth. I love border collies but I don't particularly like the climate of North England/Ireland/Scotland. I am not really trained to murder clit-mutilators and billionaires and I don't believe in murder anyways so that one is probably out. I think about how would we rehab these douchebags?
The thing with humanity is I think there is an aspect of who can beat someone with in an inch of their life (or murder) and get away with it? It's game theory. If some group of people can capture me and torture me and not face any repercussions what do you do about a thing like that?
And, I don't want to stand outside in the cold and hold up a fucking sign. And, I don't want to wait in a long line and cast my meaningless ballot. I don't want to fucking hire any lawyers. And, I don't fucking give a fuck how much some of these fucks have studied Kant and Rawls a lot of these judges are biased. I need to listen to some Gojira and do some deadlifts or something.
Fucking corporations and lawyers. I remember for my last promotion at a megacorp they made me wait in the lobby for 1 fucking hour then they called me in and handed me this 20 page fucking contract their corporate lawyers had drawn up and left me alone to read it and came in 10 minutes later asking me if I was ready to sign. No, I'm not fucking ready what the fuck is this lawyer'ish bull shit! What I should have done was lawyer up myself and have that guy read it and interpret it but I was a noob and just sat there feeling like I had dyslexia and skimmed through it and signed it like a bitch. I mean there were countless horror stories while I was there but since leaving it has gotten even worse. Like ridiculous horror stories. They are now run by a bunch of zombie French accountants. Everyone is miserable but guess what??? Stock prices have gone up. It is zombies being led by zombies. The few laugh their way to the bank.
My brother was telling me that Chase makes billions of dollars a day in fees received through large transactions from London to the USA and vice versa. He says he doesn't understand why Jamie Dimon doesn't just do nothing except hire a guy to make sure the computers don't go down. Instead Jamie Dimon figures out other ways to fuck us for higher margins. I would probably murder Jamie Dimon too if I weren't against murdering people.
Honestly, for me Bitcoin is still difficult to use. My bank doesn't charge me for a checking account. I can just keep a reasonable amount of money in there and just live and it is less complicated than trying to live on Bitcoin. Living on Bitcoin is like being vegan but more difficult.
I don't know why I'm still thinking about the smart, funny, atheist, anti-natalist, large breasted young lady I was once acquainted with. What if she would have said yes to having sex in the church that I had the key to to NIN - Closer on the altar as we video taped it? She used to model for Comic Con type of events. I could dress up as Spawn and she could be Angela.
There was the quirky Greek bi-sexual with that black hair and black eyed coloring that I like so much. Really smart and funky.
Oh well... seems really silly to go down this road. I think the key here is that in the moment I really just want some vagina or just to be around a unique woman. But, I don't know what is stronger in this moment... my libido or my hunger for food. Or, I am just programmed to want lunch at a certain time?
I would love a joint right about now. Take a High shower, listen to some Erykah Badu, comedown and get hungry, eat a pint of Häagen-Dasz Dulce de Leche, fire up the volcano with some Bob Hope, inhale an entire bag with out any waste, turn all the lights out and watch Planet Earth.
This blog may be documenting the makings of a Relapse. I honestly don't know what I would do if there was a pre-wrapped joint of good shit sitting on my desk right now. This is why people have sponsors and go to meetings. I just want no part in the 12 steps or a program written by Noah Levine.
Oh, I did. Thank you. It was hilarious and well made. I am now a large fan of Boots Riley (although not really a fan of his music... oh well). I want to start suggesting people to watch it (especially at work). I think I need a Squeeze though at this point to really make something happen. Oh well, I'll just continue to gather knowledge and get to know people. I just want to spend my time where I can be useful. Capitalism is the underlying problem in everything. Even something like substance abuse and mental illness.
I don't know the validity of this statement but I remember hearing Martin Luther King, Jr. did not get assassinated until he started speaking irt the class warfare arena and organizing unprecedented marches. The 1% segregates and keeps the whites and the blacks against each other. It is a very complicated problem. Martin Luther King dead with no repercussions, Guatemala, Chile, Venezuela, et al, Congo, et al. Like, I don't even want to use a cell phone or anything. I was much better off not consuming any coffee. Consuming coffee is a human rights violation. Maybe I am better off going into the forest and meditating. But, instead I'm going to a bourgeois fucking restaurant that cooks everything in a fucking shit ton of butter then going to a fucking bourgeois symphony concert so I'll be dressed in my bourgeois fucking outfit with my leather boots that I am still fond of and wearing fucking khakis and a button down shirt but I gotta go now because I am late................... (but I want to be included socially so I agree to this bullshit............)
United States. Jan 04 2019 19:50. Posts 8534
spooning position best position
