I got a text today that more or less said, "So, do you still want to work for us?"
I have been dreading this text for a while. I could have just said no and officially started looking for other jobs but I was afraid. My car has no air conditioning and is scheduled for a checkup soon now that I am going to be driving it again. The job market has got to be a tough one at the moment. So, I was a coward and said "Yes." I start back on Friday. I felt kind of depressed all day today. Not that quarantine has been that great for me lately but going back to being a servant for scraps. Now I am back in anxiety mode. I don't really want to read a powerpoint to kids that don't care but maybe it wouldn't be as bad as this? But I just recall my Econ 200 professor reading powerpoints with 0 gusto and the class being a joke and some weird twilight zone of suck. I never would want to go near a project like that. I told my therapist yesterday that I don't know if I see myself doing anything. Yet I'm dying to get back into Food Not Bombs and explore other non-profits in the area.
My therapist said to just keep doing what I'm doing. That I'm gifted in listening, patience, to never turn my back on social justice, or giving, and to not be timid with my thoughts. If I add all that up I'm not sure what it means in regards to what I should be doing to earn some form of income. Fuck... I guess I'll survive. I'll survive. For now. Unless I die in a car crash tomorrow, or get Covid-19 and die, or any other number of ways to expire. And I'm sitting here depressed most of the day and worried how work is going to be and escaping with sleep.
I had to throw this one into the hat. I think I am feeling a bit better about all of it just writing this out. Yeah, I can see how it all equates to spam. In my biased opinion it's not like these blogs are completely irrelevant but whatever. As I said in the last blog it's a weird malady. These blogs make me feel better.
I realized something else tonight. I am fat because part of my self-esteem is tied into being this "foodie" or "good-eater." My dad is a fat ass and has this same problem and I think I originally picked it up from him. That's why when I am dieting I can diet because the self-esteem reverses to being good at dieting but just my base state is one that derives self-esteem through eating good food. It is accentuated when out with other "good-eaters" where we have to prove our "good-eaterness" and collectively get a good feeling by sharing in the good eats.
In the same vein I get self-esteem from this blog in some way. I'm sure of it. In some way it makes me feel relevant or important. There is also the cathartic aspect of it. I feel renewed. I don't fear work as much in this moment. I will go and do what is required of me to earn my paycheck and hopefully not fall too far in the undead cycle of undead work and undead rest. If it sucks too much I can find a new job or quit.
Hi guys. I just finished reading the book "Autobiography of a Yogi" and so I had to come here to share what an amazing read that was. If you have any interest in yogic philosophy and spirituality, this is a must read for you.
Also, my instagram following in growing exponentially since I last posted anything here. I even gained a couple LP followers there I remember I had about 1,500 followers back then and now I'm almost at 5.700. A couple of my videos even went viral haha . When I reach 10k I will start a youtube channel and when this pandemic is over I'm gonna start teaching yoga. I'm also planning a one year trip to India so I can go further on the yogic path, but only after the pandemic is over of course.
8 players are in the hand
verminoth posted 0.25
mojomars posted 0.5
you straddled to 1
you were dealt 10? 10?
puddnhead folded
GlockTease called 1
Freshbasil folded
Stephan folded
Getfoosed called 1
verminoth called 1
mojomars called 1
you bet 3
GlockTease called 3
Getfoosed called 3
verminoth called 3
mojomars called 3
board: 4? Q? 2?
verminoth checked
mojomars checked
you bet 5.25
GlockTease raised to 10.5
Getfoosed called 10.5
verminoth folded
mojomars folded
you called 10.5
board: 4? Q? 2? 10?
you checked
GlockTease bet 153
Getfoosed folded
you called 88.5
board: 4? Q? 2? 10? 6?
GlockTease showed 10? Q? (two pair)
you showed 10? 10? (three of a kind)
GlockTease won 64.5 chips
you won 223.5 chips
I just took a glance at the Poker Blogs page and realized that I probably post 2 blogs for every other 1 post by everyone combined. It is like some weird malady.
There is seemingly no hope of sleeping anytime soon. There is always an excuse to write these things. I poop them out like poop. I eat, I poop, I die.
The insomnia has gotten worse. I didn't sleep well last morning at all and then all day today I typically dozed off while reading. Which just makes the insomnia worse. I just felt a bit down and defeated today. My self esteem is low and the anxiety is higher. I just don't really feel like coping with life. I'm grasping for a blue pill. Just let me be an accountant or something. 2 kids and a swimming pool. But, actually, that sounds horrendous. I never want to be a cog in a corporate hierarchy again even though I am a cog in a corporate hierarchy. Definitely don't want kids. It's doubtful I will ever own my own house nor would I want to. I helped restore my parents' fence the other day it was a shit job.
I think in a lot of cases "the red pill" isn't actually a "truth." Like, if someone were taking Jordan B Peterson's words as gospel that isn't truth. And, the blue pill is bullshit because there is no such thing as sustainable bliss. We are all fucked no matter what pill we take. That includes pain pills, benzos, and even my beloved MDMA.
My sister's baby was a mistake and she didn't get an abortion. And I think my brother and sister-in-law just had a kid because of social pressure. That is kind of fucked up. If my nephews have any sort of penchant for reading I am giving them "Notes From the Underground" by Dostoevsky at age 12. I plan to only give them books as gifts and have so far succeeded but if 1 or both turn out to despise reading I will despise them... No, of course I love my nephews. They are great. I am sure I have said it plenty of times on here. Once they are here it's now time for minimizing suffering.
I don't know if I'm suffering so much as I am dissatisfied. I can attempt to be this champion of isolation but if I am honest isolation sucks. A friend called me tonight and we spoke for an hour or so. That was nice.
I am still thinking about getting a new job. Reading powerpoints that some company made for me to kids over the internet sounds kind of terrible. I would actually want to make my own course but it would be a lot of work and it likely wouldn't get approved. "But, RiKD why don't you try before dismissing it?" Well, that is what I am mulling over. It's easier to just say mañana and not think about it too much. Employment sucks.
I haven't been blogging
I have been journaling
I feel like when you put your thoughts out there for other people it's difficult to completely let go and truly get what's on your mind without trying to distort the perception of how it will come across.
Nevertheless, this spot might be helpful to people, so let's talk about 0EV BIG DECISIONS
https://i.gyazo.com/7b1886aa2d3dc99636b61255bba81ca9.png
You arrive at the spot like this on the rive
And start tanking. Tanking long, because you know the population tendencies it seems about 0EV
I do block KQ I do block KXhh, but then again I do like to mix in high frequency Jx bets and check raises on the flop BvB so I'm high up in my range
But people tend to underbluff these boards on the site
All in all
it's a 0 EV decision, you've seen these in Snowie, you have had countless sessions where spot after spot seems so hard, often times you lose every single one and it feels horrible.
After you make it
Well, that's it, I decided it doesn't matter, didn't want to take away the fun of eeny meeny mooney moe and give the decision to the cold hard simple brain of RNG
And now it's there
the suspense
WAS I RIGHT?
I put in all this effort, timebanked to the maximum
Now so much is hanging on this spot
that in the end [/b]doesn't really matter[/b]
I want my effort validated, and it's a good amount of money and big blinds
And it's just the worst feeling when all that just results in a loss.
But the loss happens 68% of the time
And then it hit me
You think so hard and consider all the factors BECAUSE you want a favourable result. But the only thing that matters, is actually the EFFORT ITSELF that's all that really matters.
Your decision either way has no impact on anything
Whether you win or lose, also has no impact on anything in the long run.
The 0EV spots Just.Don't.Matter. No matter how much money is at stake.
What does matter is that you build a habit of thinking through your decisions, and do the best with what you're working with in the moment
0EV and LIFE
In life, it's often the same, and because of incomplete information so many big decisions just have the same life EV in the moment you make them.
Does it really matter what brand of car you buy, can you really make an informed decision when picking a romantic partner based on the limited amount of information you usually have?
Yup, it's still upon me. I'll try not to put anything in here about punching Nazis or strangling Israeli Defense Forces. It's the strangest thing I have no desire to do either of those things at the moment. It's weird how thoughts work no?
I finally got some dye for my t-shirt dying adventure. It was between beet waste and dye and the dye won. They are about the same price except cleaning beets is one of my least favorite kitchen jobs. I am happy to not be coerced into doing that in order to eat food and survive so I will probably never eat beets again if I am making the food. Unless my mom wanted me to make her her mom's borscht for some reason. Then I might come out of beet cleaning retirement.
I am also on the path of budding bread making novice. It's nice to get more or less the same benefits of quality bread as an expert would. The learning curve is tremendous to get to expert baker status for sure but just making a simple loaf of bread is actually quite easy as long as things are exact. Everyone should try it!
Painting has been painting. I mixed the most beautiful murky green-brown today and gesso'd a canvas with it. I'm interesting to see how that one will turn out.
If I could just figure out a way to volunteer say 25 hours a week and have the rest of the time for leisure that would be dandy. It would be nice to actually see friends. I've actually been faring pretty well in this quarantine. Sometimes I don't feel like reading which can really throw a wrench into the cogs but other than that it's been quite alright. I am not looking forward to going back to 40 hours a week at my current job. That is so many hours. And I haven't been able to think of something else in the mean time. I could move to PA and play poker. $20/hr at 20 hours a week feels like it could be doable. And that is the only way I can think to achieve that. I can't think of anything else that I could work 20 hours whenever I want and achieve $20/hr. I don't know I'd rather find something where it at least feels like I am adding some value. Not in the tech dickhead sense of adding value but more so being useful to the planet, its ecology, and yes the beings on the planet as well. I have had a lot of time I could have looked more into this but maybe now is the time.
I feel tortured yet I feel free. How could that be? Am I masochistic? There are sometimes when I lay my head down on the pillow and it is hopeless. But sometimes I fall asleep when I least expect it. Many times I don't. I know it is partly because I just lie in bed most of the day reading. If I were out in the fields from dawn until dusk I highly doubt there would be sleep problems.
I am finally reading a proper novel. "Ada or Ardor" by Vladimir Nabokov.
That's really all I am doing. Not much to report. I've been painting a little bit. I've been inspired by "murky" colors. A lot of grays and browns.
I am inspired to make my own tea glasses (yunomi). I don't currently have access to materials or a kiln but I will when quarantine is up hopefully. I wish to make stoneware yunomi as a gift for friends and family. 1 per person only each individually made by me. That is something that I am excited about.
I am also inspired to start baking my own Italian bread. Water, flour, yeast, salt. I could do that tomorrow.
I am listening to some Palestinian music that is actually quite rousing. It's making me think about strangling some Israeli scum. Before I get my noob ass Krav Maga'd to death.
It feels like I am so far away from sleep. I am on a break for it. A break for what? I will say I never quite know where the rabbit hole will take me. I can't just write in these white spaces forever.
So, I've spent some time exploring the beat generation and don't worry guys you aren't missing out on anything. Proceed with your lives accordingly. Toodles.
I just ate a big lunch and have to let it settle a bit before getting back to some reading.
Marcuse talks about how we see our "soul" in the commodities we buy. Or at least some people. That is a pretty shit form of spirituality. It kind of preys on this idea that we should be authentic. We have no "soul" so we can fix that by buying stuff. It's a ruse mastered by the marketing department. I could be falling for it as we speak but I think I am pretty strong in this area. Mostly because I simply don't buy stuff.
That's why I love Nature. The trees don't try and sell my anything. The natural arrangements of the flowers. I can still remember the beauty of the patches of wild violets in the woods behind my childhood home. The sounds of the streams. The birds singing their songs. We can learn a lot from birds. We cannot learn a lot from the "Daily Mirror." "The "intelligent" tabloid."
I have been getting into Allen Ginsberg poetry and William Burroughs novel "Naked Lunch." I don't know if I would say that I am underwhelmed exactly. There is definitely some good stuff there. I just think that period gets a little bit too much credit for the art that was produced. There's definitely some great stuff enmeshed in it all but overall I would say it is overrated. For the times I could see it being a big deal I just don't think it holds up as well as other stuff throughout the history of the earth. I could change my mind as I read more. Maybe, maybe not.
Oh well. I think my food is probably digested enough. Have a good day all. Toodles.
Well, no. There is no one listening. There is no gaze. There is no voice.
What is digital communication anyway?
Who am I writing to?
I miss the Other. Their gaze. Their voice.
I smell bad. I haven't showered in I don't know how many days.
I want to read Theodor Adorno but his paperbacks are like $30 and I ain't readin' no pdf bullshit... Fuck that shit. And he doesn't like jazz music. I wanted to pick up a book on his essays on the culture industry and aesthetics. Oh well.
My therapist told me to write a journal everyday. This probably isn't the format.
I will say I want quarantine to be over but I don't want to go back to work so what do I do?
So, I sit and listen to Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" and fill up the white space.
I think if I should have another white tea.
I speak to no one and everyone.
My headphones are really good. I don't buy many things but am really happy with that purchase.
"Walden & Other Writings of Henry David Thoreau" is staring at me on the table...
Roland Barthes lived with his mother until she died. He was 61 I believe. I would like to read more of his philosophy as well. I don't think I want to live with my mother until I am 61 the guy is just intriguing is all.
But at some point maybe you just gotta like say fuck off to these "elitist" philosophers and watch some live punk shows. I feel like a million bucks. I've got too much energy and I don't know what to do with it. I need to find new creative outlets. Or old creative outlets.
I feel like punching nazis and hugging homeless people.
This one has some audio and voice command features and it was pretty damn challenging to get set up, so glad it's over.
Now that I have this little template I wonder what the best use for an audio-based app like this would be... probably will be making more after I take a break.
Btw, thank you so much to those of you who checked out my 1st app! It really helped me a ton and got me up to 1000 downloads somehow!
My French sucks. I wish it were better. Time and energy. What do we do with our time and energy?
It is easy to fall into a routine while working. We work, we rest for work, we work. In quarantine i seemingly have an excess of time. I am not working so i have plenty of willpower and energy. What do we spend our time and energy on?
I am currently reading Jean Baudrillard's "Fatal Strategies." It is pretty good but is it the best that the world has to offer?
I am currently listening to smoke a blunt and chill with the special lady friend music and writing a blog. Maybe i can get to the bottom of this issue maybe not.
We only get a certain amount of time and energy what do we do with it?
I am on the brink of losing it in quarantine. I would have never read "Being and Time" if it weren't for quarantine. I'm glad i got to it. I am a drug addict. I'm looking for that same level of flow. It was like i was taking hits on that Byung-Chul Han until i scale it up real special with some Heidegger. Maybe i need to come down again on some literature. What if i don't even feel like reading? or painting? I am fucked. I need good drugs to get me through this. I am out of yellow paint. That is an annoyance. And i don't want to go back to my job when this is all through. So, i need some plans man. I need some plans man! Such strange times. At the same time i tell myself to just take it one day at a time and that's all i can really do.
Am i the only one that feels this pressure to optimize my time and energy in quarantine?
I don't know if it's even that i just don't want to engage in news, gossip, entertainment, social media. Idle talk basically. Fleeing from myself and the fact that i will die. Or more simply it's a waste of time and energy.
I am going to die though. That's the impetus here. Of course i like pleasure and tranquility though too. I do not know if i need some grand project or narrative either. That's always a mindfuck. The truth is there is no project or narrative that defies death but in the grips of an adventure life feels alive. I can take a walk in nature and feel the breeze and watch the birds. "Being and Time" made me feel ALIVE. I am just a drug addict looking for good drugs. I am knocking off the rust in my German to pass the time but that is fiddly sticks. When is the revolution? We are too late. The world as we know it is over.
here is a gooey song:
Maybe i will end it there. When is the revolution? Oops. We are too late. The world is already over and has been for a while.
I am reading Heidegger's "Being and Time." hiems would immediately jump to the conclusion that i am status signaling. He says i am trying to oppress him and create a new world where i am high status because i read books. I would like to see a world where intellectualism is valued especially outside of academia. But part of this blog was that i wish to take a break from all this utopia talk. I am sick of it at the moment. I need a break. That's why i am reading Heidegger "Being and Time." It's something that i have meant to read for a long time and is pure contemporary, continental philosophy. No critical theory, etc. But i guess i have to touch on the utopia to some degree. My dad is a very smart man, my brother too. Reading 1 page of Heidegger would be confusing and boring for them most likely. I read my dad some Baudrillard before and he just said "I don't understand one word of what you just said. Why do you read that?" I don't want a world where people have to use their leisure reading philosophy but i DO want a world where people have that option. It is very difficult to read let alone comprehend philosophy working full time+ hours. I can count the number of women on one hand that thought my knowledge of Nietzsche or Sartre was sexy. Actually i can only think of 1 women in my life that even knew i knew Nietzsche and Sartre and it's debatable if she thought it was sexy. That isn't going to change anytime soon. I am not trying to oppress anyone I am for 0 hierarchies remember? How we get there is a whole different topic. I don't know how we get there and I don't want to think about it at the moment. If someone has suggestions I'm all for it but I don't have any suggestions besides just slow, gradual change which we probably end up going extinct to climate catastrophe instead of actually finding an alternative to late capitalism. I need to hang out with my leftist friends TT.
Even in anarchist spaces there are still hierarchies. In Food Not Bombs one of the members is a chef. When she is in the kitchen we are equals but we understand that she is a chef and give her authority.
When i don't have late capitalism to complain about i don't have much of a blog.
Roderick talks irt Heidegger about how we have this underlying anxiety about death. And i think this is an idea Sartre takes from Heidegger but we have this freedom to live life authentically. I mean we are going to die after all right? What do we have to lose?
But, as Roderick says there is more to life than authenticity. We can authentically be Nazis (*cough* Heidegger *cough*). So, morality plays a part but as Sartre says when the chips are down there is no ethics, no thought experiment that can help. Do you stay with a dying mother? Or, do you leave and fight with your comrades?
My dad and my brother invested into the sciences and business. Most would say their investments were better than mine. For me I would disagree and i suppose that is all that really matters. I am not trying to create a world where science and entrepreneurship are stifled. Remember, i don't actually know what kind of world i want to create besides one that is kinder and more fair. What i do know is that being a human in this world can be tough. We will see how much wisdom Heidegger has to offer.
I started a Liquid Poker discord channel for chatting about anything. Kind of like the Starcraft/Warcraft days of talking about strat in the chat but then inevitably talking about all other sorts of stuff. Same with poker and MSN days. I don't really know how it will go but I clicked some buttons and it is up and running.
Contact Users: 1824 Active, 0 Logged in - Time: 06:48
I remember I had about 1,500 followers back then and now I'm almost at 5.700. A couple of my videos even went viral haha 
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