sup

I feel like a blog. I have been pretty good about NOT blogging so far on vacation but my brother is playing World of Warcraft where I am sleeping so sleep is not a great option. I decided since I actually have some time and energy I am going to read The Phenomenology of Spirit by G.F.W. Hegel. I doubt I'll get through it all in time but maybe I will. That is a difficult one to try and read at night after a long day of work when the willpower, focus, energy is gone. It's not so bad when I am just lounging during the day when all my family members are at work. I have mostly been lounging. It's a great life until the money runs out. Playing guitar, reading Hegel, going for walks in the deep forest, these are all great ways for me to spend time, energy, focus. I started coding again too but that has been tepid. Well, worse than tepid. I forgot how to link the directory of .py files to my power shell/terminal so I can run them. It's exercise 0 and it does not tell me how to do this.

Of course, it is nice not having to slave away for 40 hours in a week. When I go back I am scheduled for 6 days in a row which is pretty bad. Sometimes it feels like I am squandering my vacation a bit with how chill it has been but thankfully I have not been thinking about that too much because it honestly does not matter. Whether I am busy or not does not matter. It feels like this vacation is more than rest to perform better at work but simply rest, idleness, etc. for the sake of leisure. How I wish most of my time were. It seems to take 2 or 3 days to get in that zone with the knowledge that there will be a week or more of similar time.

My siblings all have their own lives in this city with their respective jobs and small children. It's nice seeing them but there is no great connection really. They are all busy with performance at their jobs and attempting to raise small children. That is no small feat. I am mostly quiet by nature. I wish not to engage in chatter. I think my siblings understand this which is a good thing. It's just tough. I already said it but they are at work or tending to small children. I am 3rd fiddle.

It's all good though. It's all good. It's really not but it really is ok. Ok. It's fine. I don't expect to be doing all this grand stuff or have amazing interactions all the time. The coding thing really kind of irks me though. I don't even remember how to do exercise 0 and it holds me up from doing all the other ones which I know how to do I just have to go through them again.

I am taking a longer walk through a deeper forest tomorrow which makes me happy. I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock or take a shower right away. Little things like that make me incredibly happy. I think I am going to grow out my hair again.

It's kind of weird actually during the work week. I don't see any of my siblings until they are tired and worn out for a little bit after work then they have to take care of their kids so I have really had to be independent on this vacation. At least I was ready for it.

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I have a cat named Pico. He is a little feisty guy. A runt of a litter. 1 of 30 cats and 30 dogs. Little Pico had to fend for his life eating any scraps he could find. The assholes burned the house down. Lucky little Pico was found. Then we found him. He has the most beautiful green eyes. We quickly found out if any food was left out it would be eaten. The only thing he will not eat is grapes and almonds and that is about it.

I was feeling particularly empty today. I slept most of the day and did chores/errands that absolutely had to be done. The only thing of note was starting to learn how to play slide guitar which is pretty fun. I think my problem is I have too much hunger for fulfillment. I am a fulfillment junky. My life is in such a state that fulfillment is not easy or I am expecting fulfillment to be easy when sometimes it is easy but probably most times it is not. Masturbating to pornography is fulfilling in the sense that it is pleasurable especially at orgasm but pornography is rather vulgar. The old saying goes that masturbation is great if you want masturbation but largely lacking if you want something more.

I enjoy the little things in life. I like a good trance. Pink skies. There are plenty of things to like that surprise and are easy. There are plenty of things in life that are difficult yet rewarding. I don't feel that I get much fulfillment at work. It's just a never ending cycle. There is another promotion available at work and that has been stressing me out. It would be a lot of work on the cash register and taking manager calls. I think the register and taking calls are two things I don't want to do.

I look around and try to find things that are looking up in my life but it's hard for me to find them. I could just be a bit depressed. The mind can play tricks. It's like do I really want to do the whole show of showing up to some AA meetings and going out afterwards only to retreat to my room once again? Disappearing from the scene once again. You would think after like 5 years of that I would have figured something out. The only thing I can figure out now is to play the guitar like I don't have another day to live and compose music in whatever place I may be at the time.

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Shout out to PoorUser for the Hollow Knight suggestion. Thank you. I have been playing it and it is fun, dreamlike, and ethereal in a way.

My local grocery store is carrying AdBusters which I thought was hilarious and awesome so I had to pick up a copy. Then I was reading through it and it touches on some salient points but I remembered there was a reason I stopped getting it. I don't think I like Kalle Lasn. He is a bit much. Doesn't mean other contributions aren't good.

At this point I think I am just looking forward to my vacation. It's probably a mistake. There are a lot of hours in between now and then. Music, vidya, sleep can really take up quite a bit of time. I'm sleeping too damn much but it's so damn cozy.

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Here is a short sound trip I've been working on. I have to continue figuring out how to compose and arrange better but I thought this one was fun:

https://soundcloud.com/p7162/cinnamon...dium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

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That is the name of the last song or sound trip I made. It's not hopeless but I need to get a lot better to reach Burial or Aphex-Twin status (getting that good probably is hopeless). I want to learn how to create my own sounds. Then, arrange those sounds into something I like. I shouldn't really concern myself with what others are doing anyways and just do my own thing but right now my own thing is a mashup of sounds that is sometimes cool and other times not. Oh well, it's something to do anyway. I still have my guitar. I am learning a new scale this week which isn't too hard to learn at all but internalizing it and playing it with my eyes closed is a different matter! It's interesting the contrast between digital music and a guitar. It's kind of cool to create the chord shapes and make sure my fingers are in the right positions and also that I am striking the string optimally as well. But, it's also amazing the power of the DAW and how many sounds are out there and how many more there are by fucking with stuff.

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ooooooooooooooo

*Tumble weed rolling along*

I wish I had something sensational to write to maybe lively up LP a little bit. Give us some entertainment. Bad entertainment. The fact is my life is not very sensational whatsoever. I drink tea. I contemplate. I listen to Boris Brejcha.

The expanse of space creeps into my spirit and dissipates until a new tide rolls in. I want to burn like the rave at xx/yy/2008. Will you burn with me?

Synthetic spirit. I am looking for the real thing. Paralyzed by the emptiness a tear rolls down my cheek. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. The ghosts they are a calling. Fill me up and give me a little piece of your spirit please. It is a séance here tonight. A session of sitting. The ghosts they will call.

You know to get personal I am still seeing Luna and we are still just friends united by our love for Indian food and collapse. Not that we love collapse. It is just rare to find people that understand and can laugh about it and maybe cry about it and get good Indian food in the midst of it all. Maybe sometimes it is simply about some simple pleasures. The world is crumbling around us and there is likely nothing we can do. I don't have heaven to hope for. What do I do?

Luna always tells me to find myself spiritually. Center myself spiritually. And prepare. Prepare for the Kingdom of God. I believe something of the sort if I did that the Kingdom of God is within me. That is Tolstoy rubbing off on me. I do believe something of the sort though. Peace with the imperfect present. We would all do much better if we could find peace within the imperfect present.

I suppose it is probably also for the best of us to reduce screens. For LP to diminish and disappear. HA, these are becoming my private journals now.

Peace Tschuss Schluss

R i K D

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My screen time was pretty low today.

One thing about the acoustic guitar is it is forcing me to get better at chords. I've always been a guy that prefers the riffs and the solo stuff (and scales). The practice on the acoustic this week is just all about rhythm. I don't know if I like it but I love the songs I am playing so it is doable: Farewell Transmission, Blue Factory Flame, and Didn't It Rain by Songs:Ohia.

I don't know if I have a lot to say tonight. I'm pretty tired. Recently, I have had to exert extra energy at work because the weekends are busy, I had to make sure I had my medications taken care of, and my car was in the shop. That is a lot of extra driving and work. Tomorrow we'll get slammed and it won't be fun but I will hopefully survive as I have every other Saturday so far. I hate surviving for too long of a time but sometimes that is the way it goes if I want to maintain medications, health care, car maintenance, and buy acoustic guitars without giving a fuck.

Not that the guitar is that expensive. It's a Stadium Dreadnought. Shanzhai Fender Acoustic made in China with cheap materials. It actually sounds great but will never get that phenomenal sound of aged quality wood. I am thinking about stepping up my electric guitar here pretty soon too. Maybe get a neck-in Epiphone which is a Shanzhai Gibson Les Paul. That damn car service cost me a paycheck mother fuckers but I gotta keep that thing running. It's just after playing this new acoustic guitar it's a lot more comfortable for me to play the thing is all. An Epiphone should be similar in that regard. A little bit larger neck feels comfortable for me.

Very few people on here probably care about my guitar interest or becoming a performance-machine at work. I had this idea that I would share how much time I spent on screens but no one cares about that either. There is really not a whole lot to share. I've been so busy the last week there has not been much time for anything other than work and errands. I lost myself in that to be honest. It took me away. And, it's going to be another day or 2 of that. Just the way the cookie crumbles. I'm a bit numb to be honest.

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weird double post

mods delete please

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I worked my ass off the last few days. Up for a promotion the performance machine was running all systems go. In fact, I'm making sure my phone is right next to me if they call me in tomorrow.

High Alone by Sevdaliza. Go like 4mg of Xanax. That will cut the heaviness of working overtime on extreme rushed, hectic, frantic time. If I'm not careful I will be lost on the undead time. I have to work frantically to have a chance at the GOOD PUSS. I don't think I can truly think under these conditions. The music is too loud. The key strokes are too loud. It's too active. In order to contemplate properly I need to slow down and be still. There is too much information on here.

I hope to keep it simple tomorrow. If I'm not working go to the beach and watch the birds and feel the breeze. Maybe read a novel and take a nap. Of course, play the guitar. I got a metronome which is helping a lot. I also got a wahwah pedal (Crybaby) that is pretty fun. Maybe 1 day I will be able to play White Room by Cream in it's entirety or Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix.

What are some other classic wahwah pedal songs?

What would LP have me play?

Hah... There are only like 10 ppl reading this...

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Well, I am considering it. I am considering to apply for a promotion at work to be a manager. 2 managers told me about the opening and said I should apply. Pay would be like $30,000/yr now to $40,000/yr if I get the job. I would obviously have manager duties and they said the biggest change is when I am the manager in charge of the store duties. I think I'm going to go for it but I posted this here in case I'm missing something or to just better think about it through writing.

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