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RiKD    United States. Nov 02 2022 03:27. Posts 8100
I feel like a blog. I have been pretty good about NOT blogging so far on vacation but my brother is playing World of Warcraft where I am sleeping so sleep is not a great option. I decided since I actually have some time and energy I am going to read The Phenomenology of Spirit by G.F.W. Hegel. I doubt I'll get through it all in time but maybe I will. That is a difficult one to try and read at night after a long day of work when the willpower, focus, energy is gone. It's not so bad when I am just lounging during the day when all my family members are at work. I have mostly been lounging. It's a great life until the money runs out. Playing guitar, reading Hegel, going for walks in the deep forest, these are all great ways for me to spend time, energy, focus. I started coding again too but that has been tepid. Well, worse than tepid. I forgot how to link the directory of .py files to my power shell/terminal so I can run them. It's exercise 0 and it does not tell me how to do this.

Of course, it is nice not having to slave away for 40 hours in a week. When I go back I am scheduled for 6 days in a row which is pretty bad. Sometimes it feels like I am squandering my vacation a bit with how chill it has been but thankfully I have not been thinking about that too much because it honestly does not matter. Whether I am busy or not does not matter. It feels like this vacation is more than rest to perform better at work but simply rest, idleness, etc. for the sake of leisure. How I wish most of my time were. It seems to take 2 or 3 days to get in that zone with the knowledge that there will be a week or more of similar time.

My siblings all have their own lives in this city with their respective jobs and small children. It's nice seeing them but there is no great connection really. They are all busy with performance at their jobs and attempting to raise small children. That is no small feat. I am mostly quiet by nature. I wish not to engage in chatter. I think my siblings understand this which is a good thing. It's just tough. I already said it but they are at work or tending to small children. I am 3rd fiddle.

It's all good though. It's all good. It's really not but it really is ok. Ok. It's fine. I don't expect to be doing all this grand stuff or have amazing interactions all the time. The coding thing really kind of irks me though. I don't even remember how to do exercise 0 and it holds me up from doing all the other ones which I know how to do I just have to go through them again.

I am taking a longer walk through a deeper forest tomorrow which makes me happy. I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock or take a shower right away. Little things like that make me incredibly happy. I think I am going to grow out my hair again.

It's kind of weird actually during the work week. I don't see any of my siblings until they are tired and worn out for a little bit after work then they have to take care of their kids so I have really had to be independent on this vacation. At least I was ready for it.

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PuertoRican   United States. Nov 03 2022 03:42. Posts 12920

Vacations are good. They help you escape reality.

gl hf on your trip.

Rekrul is a newb 

RiKD    United States. Nov 03 2022 03:45. Posts 8100

So, I'm back on coding for now. Time flew by. I think I was coding for over 2 hours it felt like nothing. Like I time travelled or something. In some regards I feel alienated from the world as I don't even feel that close to my own family but if I can lose myself in code maybe it doesn't hurt so bad? It's hard to find things like that to get lost in. I'm not thinking about any of my problems. I'm not bored. I'm not overwhelmed stricken with anxiety.

On the other hand I feel kind of screwed though. Not even that close with my own family. I will leave and everyone will just go on living their lives. I don't really have a life though. Bad at the guitar, making shitty Abelton songs... at least I am dece at vidya. I expect to be an expert coder overnight it's just incredibly unrealistic. At least my brother is gifting me a sick guitar. I can hit that heavier when I get home. I'm really just gasping to keep up with chords and scales while I'm here. I don't think I'll see much improvement.

It's hard not to feel like a pariah. I work low wage retail. I have no friends. It's getting late. I'm almost 40. My parents are going out with some family friends tomorrow who happen to be Indian. Both of their children are medical doctors. The guy was a professor at a prestigious university. I'm a pariah. I'm low-caste. I'm black sheep. I feel it that I would not enjoy going to lunch with these people who have made it in life.

It's almost set in stone if it has not been set already. I still think there are outs. It's not impossible for me to experience a good life. I just thought this vacation could be more than what it is. Although it has also made me realize how shitty my existence is back home in a way. That is mostly due to occupation and circumstances. I really just want friends and a girlfriend. Which I may or may not be capable of achieving which is sad. It's like I almost have to get good at coding or I have no shot but I get about a third through the book and that motivation peters out. There is nothing in my life that can really get me going besides my hobbies and there is not enough substance there to truly overcome the emptiness.

RiKD    United States. Nov 03 2022 03:57. Posts 8100

Maybe interesting but not interesting to read is that all these blogs are mostly the same but someone could madlib with certain details.

It's pretty clear I want friends and a girlfriend. It seems like I am pretty maladjusted. I mean I get employee of the month and people are expecting me to take promotions at work but work is pretty horrible. I don't make enough money and I don't like it. It's easy to just fall into routines when I am at work but being away it's just really disagreeable and I don't want to go back. I have always been maladjusted I was just smart enough to get by. My bipolar I and alcoholism has caused so much harm but the thing is that is just a part of who I am. It is really difficult to minimize that harm. I am not recovered from alcoholism. I am in recovery. I am a malcontent. I don't know how to fix that. It's been years and years and years since I had a drink or a drug and so called spiritual experience and psychic change but I am at my core just as malcontent as ever. So, I don't know what to do and probably no one on this site can help me but I still post these blogs or else I'd blow a gasket.

Sleepy311   Vietnam. Nov 03 2022 17:16. Posts 149

I'd say stick with the coding and put as much effort into it as you can. A good buddy of mine transitioned from teaching to programming and self-taught himself over the course of about 2-3 years, putting in a moderate amount of effort.

He was able to land himself a 65k per year entry level job in a MCOL city in NY. But more importantly is the increase of availability in remote work and the salary increases as well once you're a bit experienced. Being able to make a US salary in a country like Mexico or Thailand with a much lower COL really changes things.

Another thing about programming is that a lot of the remote contracts can be per diem.Another programmer friend of mine was doing this while living in Vietnam. He worked 20-30 hours per week but since his expenses are much lower he was still better off than living in the States, as well as having much more free time. I'm not sure if you'd be interesting in leaving the US but I had just wanted to share my experiences with those who had taken similar routes.

RiKD    United States. Nov 04 2022 00:56. Posts 8100

I would take $65k in MCOL city especially with the chance at remote work and salary increases of course.

Lower COL countries are a bit dicey for me. I need good structure for my mental health. If there is one good thing about the USA for me it is the ability for stability. This worry may be unfounded and maybe Mexico and Thailand or Vietnam could supply me all my meds, psychiatrist, therapist, etc.


I also wanted to stop by and say one of the biggest consistencies in my blogs are they are all about me, me, me and my self-centeredness and self-obsession. If anyone knows any ways to have a profound spiritual experience that lasts let me know.

Loco   Canada. Nov 04 2022 20:29. Posts 20947

"All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." - Spinoza

As always, what you are looking for is connection. I highly doubt that coding is the path to follow to get that. The people who follow that path probably already have that in their lives, had already heavily invested in this path earlier in life, or don't really need it (autistic, schizoid). Focus on meeting your needs the best you can now, not with the long-shots of things that could afford you with more financial independence down the (long) road.

The medium is the message 

Sleepy311   Vietnam. Nov 05 2022 19:55. Posts 149

While I agree that coding in itself is probably not so satisfying or fulfilling in itself, the job doesn't necessarily have to define a person. By the sounds of it, Rik isn't getting the connection or mental stimulation that he's looking for from his current job anyways, so why not double or triple his salary with an option to work remotely. Being able to work anywhere and finding a city or country that aligns with your values/the pace of life that you're looking for will improve your odds for finding connection. I'm not sure how much Rik enjoys where he lives but I think this is an important factor to consider.

I do have to disagree about it being a long-shot or only for those who had previously invested tons of time into it. My friend went from having absolutely 0 coding knowledge to securing a job being completely self-taught. It did take him between 2-3 years and he was quite consistent, 10-25 hours every week. In the grand scheme of things it's not that long, some of you have been on this website for nearly 20 years . If you work hard at it, it's definitely possible.

As far as the stability for your mental health in other countries Rik, I would say it's definitely navigable. Securing the meds you need in those countries is absolutely possible and extremely affordable. Psychiatrist/Therapy sessions would be a bit more tricky. I would say English-speaking professionals may be available in Mexico but highly unlikely in Thailand/Vietnam. However, with the advent of tele-medicine this may be possible to work around with online sessions. It could get expensive though, I'm not sure of the rates and how committed you are to the current health professionals that you see.

It's also important to emphasize again how much you can reduce your working week by living in these LCOL countries, leaving you plenty of time to focus on your hobbies or building connections.

Loco   Canada. Nov 05 2022 20:06. Posts 20947

3 years of hard consistent work behind a screen is a lot to ask of someone who has been running on empty for years, and who has a mental disorder that makes consistency extremely difficult.

The medium is the message 

RiKD    United States. Nov 07 2022 01:25. Posts 8100

  "All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." - Spinoza

As always, what you are looking for is connection. I highly doubt that coding is the path to follow to get that. The people who follow that path probably already have that in their lives, had already heavily invested in this path earlier in life, or don't really need it (autistic, schizoid). Focus on meeting your needs the best you can now, not with the long-shots of things that could afford you with more financial independence down the (long) road.

I have oxygen. I have water. I have more than enough food. I have adequate shelter albeit in my parents' home but rent is super expensive here. Are you meaning connection, intimacy, sex? Exercise, meditation, gratitude?

I love my family but I am seemingly not that close to them by proximity or by connection. I learned that on this recent vacation. They all have lives and kids and I am probably like 10th fiddle if not lower down the rung. I love my parents but I have to limit the time I spend with them because they annoy me and I would bet that I annoy them too. I could say something cheesy like I love everyone and Love drives all of my decisions but that is certainly not true. I am a fearful creature that would like to say I am a human being with engineering opportunities driven by Love but that is not true. One way to interpret the Spinoza quote is that I need to attract a quality woman and that is my only hope. The guitar isn't strong enough. Coding isn't strong enough. Fucking Hegel certainly isn't strong enough.

To Sleepy:

25 hours of coding in a week over 3 years is not that realistic for me. I code because I enjoy it sometimes. It's not like I do it and say "oh, this is what I have to do for the rest of my life" it's just an interest. If I get through the book I'm currently on and feel good maybe I would consider a boot camp but honestly 8 hours of coding a day 5 days a week is not a happy thought.

I understand the LCOL nomad life. I used to live in Beunos Aires, Argentina when I played poker. Thailand or Vietnam would be tricky. I think it is tough to teach an old dog new tricks and I can only imagine those languages are more difficult than Spanish and immersing myself in the culture and knowing the language is something I feel strongly about. I have more or less resigned myself to living in the USA at this point.

  3 years of hard consistent work behind a screen is a lot to ask of someone who has been running on empty for years, and who has a mental disorder that makes consistency extremely difficult.

Yeah, I don't know what to do really. Seeing my entire family thriving basically albeit all under hard circumstances has me shaking my head. Life is hard. They all have trials and tribulations but I feel like they are all more than eeking it out and none of them has read a word of philosophy. This is kind of sounding like I resent them. I don't think so. I love them and I am happy for them. I don't know what I could have done differently or what I can do in the future. I am not going to argue that bipolar makes consistency extremely difficult because I can hit a snag at any moment. Seeing it in writing that I have been running on empty for years it's true. It leads me to start thinking about ending it. I still have hope for some reason. There is relief at times. I had unrealistic expectations for this vacation. I need to not have unrealistic expectations now that I am home. On arriving home I mostly felt emptiness and did not feel like doing anything. There is dread to go back to work. This will come and go. I did get a fucking sick new guitar for me.

I was talking to my sister and she was saying she is unlucky that she never met a producer that she really vibes with and I said "sorry I suck. I'm no Billie Eilish's brother." And she was like, "you don't suck you just weren't a musician all your life." I didn't find Abelton until I was 38. It's kind of the same for coding. My brother had to learn how to code or he wouldn't have gotten his PhD. A friend of mine quit poker and went all-in on coding because that was seemingly the only option acceptable to him. There are people on Ableton at age 5. My sister is putting my nephew into coding classes at age 6. And the only thing that I can think to do is grasp for relief. I wish I could find a video game that I could get as excited about as my 6 year old nephew with Minecraft. But, that is all a cover up, a fog, for a life that is seemingly possible. I am trapped here. I need to figure out a way to move to the same city as all of my siblings with the understanding that I am 10th fiddle.

Loco   Canada. Nov 07 2022 05:01. Posts 20947

An intimate connection, yeah. Seeing someone for who they are and being seen by someone for who you are. Being accepted and validated. Physical touch and sex are not necessarily intimate. The only thing that has kept me going was the possibility of finding this connection, and the idea of preparing myself for it. It's difficult to put yourself out there, make yourself available and deal with rejection, but it has to be done at some point if you don't want to keep running on empty forever. You need it more than the money and whatever else there is.

The medium is the message 

RiKD    United States. Nov 08 2022 03:58. Posts 8100

Yeah, that is pretty clear cut.

I like the idea of preparing myself for it. I could certainly grow up a bit more, clean my room, and think about moving out. I don't make 3x monthly rent anywhere here though is the thing and I have a lot of medical debt. I could certainly change how I live though. It's pretty clear living as a kid buying toys it never lasts. I am not an autist. I have to get away from screens / get out of the house and do stuff.

I can't really deny what you are saying. I want to find something that is more than intimate connection. Something easier. Something I can do from my lonely computer chair but I know this is a fool's errand.


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