So since my last roflpost, a couple of things have happened.
I e-mailed my family that night and revealed to them that I haven't been doing well at all, and that I would like a ticket home. Specifically, I msg'd my grandma, who is a total sweet heart. A couple of hours later I got an e-mail back. I can get home anytime I want and I have 3 choices of where to stay for however long I'd like. They still support me 100% and encouraged me to do what is best, whether its go home in 3 weeks and pull myself together, or stay here longer if I can. Basically, it reminded me that the only one calling me a failure and a fool is myself. And it took a lot of stress off of my mind.
Yay.
So, the next day I was feeling a lot better (And still am), so I asked grandma to hold off on the plane ticket for a week or so.. which brings me around to poker.
I've spent the last couple of days taking a very relaxed approach to how many hands I need to be putting in, since that is clearly not where the problem is, and I've instead been 3 tabling for 30-45minute sessions. Focusing on building myself back up and getting confidence in my hand reading again. I've also significantly tuned up the aggression, simply acting on what my idea of their hand range is instead of... not. lol.
Its only been 1.2k hands, just trying to play 2-4 hours a day of these little sessions.
I feel a lot better, though I still am getting thrown off my proper head too easily. Hopefully that will improve over the next week, if it doesn't I will probably go ahead and get a ticket home for sometime in May.
/end real blog type of blog while not ragingly tilted for once
how can I Try so hard for over a month and this keeps going and going and I don't know where I keep folding away my money in nonshowdown either, I mean every player isn't some kind of super sicko who's shoving over my 3rd barrels 100% of the time with air or turning a weaker TPTK into a bluff or something what the fuck? SERIOUSLY.
lol did you enjoy that ramble? that's my brain now.
Bizzy's verse at the beginning is so sick my shit is all explodey. If you aren't ready for it, it makes pac'ss slow delivery following it seem lame at first glance. Rest of the song is really good tho, including pac's parts.
Fleh, my mindset is still fragile and thus a disgusting runbad is not what I need right now.
But of course, that's what I'm getting.
I figured a 18% of bankroll stop loss was a solid idea so I'm done for the day.
Down 6bi & 8bi in EV since my break ended, lols.
Worse runs have been documented in the past. I know.
Hmm I made some spews today, biggest one was in a spot where I planned to x/r semi-bluff the turn if I improved. I did improve, but when I was facing the turn bet his bet sizing was a clear tell that he is never folding. I still semi-bluffed and got it in really bad 160bb deep. Need to trust my head more..
God damn it I really, really don't want to be someone who folds under pressure.
I feel like I'm starting to think more like a poker player again. So that's good. Hopefully this month makes for a nice turn around.
Problem is my red line is still balls out ridiculously bad.
Here's today, I was playing all ante tables but I don't think it should result in this. I know I spewed $35 in red line from a squeeze + cbet I should of done, and another similar spot.
I don't feel like I made any outrageous spews though so I'm happy about that.
The bottom red line is my non-showdown, I gotta fix my EV line to be a different color.
alcohol sucks fat ballsac if you drink more than a reasonable amount
smoke weed imo.
fuck booze outside of moderation
not drinking more than 6 in a night ever again. well, I'll make a serious, serious effort at least.
Tonight I had a lot of fun, but I also felt an unreasonable amount of jealousy, unusual levels of sadness, spent outside of my budget, weird relationships with new people, etc. Cuz of alcohol. fuck that. I'm going to do my best to never have more than 6 drinks in a night again.
I also made this weird and incoherent blog post because of excess drinking. GG.
oh btw I met Byrnesam and Silver Z tonight. They're good, a little bit different than I anticipated but they were cool dudes and I'm sure I will be hanging out with them quite a bit.
Oh yeah, I also ordered this stuff online called Kava. Its supposed to help with anxiety, but it sounds like it isn't appropriate to play poker while you are under its effects (its psychoactive), so I most likely won't (I've never played a hand of real poker while drunk, for instance). But that's fine, I like to try new things. I'll let you know if I think Kava is an herb worth trying out
I had to reformat my computer and I didn't have the FTP client installer, and the FTP site is blocked in thailand. I tried using hidemyass.com (proxy) but the download failed. Unless there is a better proxy or something, could someone help me out and download the FTP client -> upload it to rapidshare or some similar site for me? Someone trustworthy plz lol
Or if there is a better proxy that allows me to download a 24megabyte file that'd be good..
Sooo now my computer is taking a shit (I'm @ a pc bang atm). I think it has corrupted sectors, but it already ran CHKDSK by itself. I guess I will do it again tonight and pray it fixes it all up. Otherwise, I will have to take it to one of these thai computer repair shops which I don't really have absolute faith in. I'll just have them reformat the son of a bitch and get it done with I hope.
(my prayer to the world)
Please let me stop running like such a legless, god forsaken sewer rat in every financial aspect of life. I'd also like to be reasonably OK at poker again, whenever it is I'll get to play again.
(end prayer)
I'm going to drown myself in HON for the rest of the day now.
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