Memoirs From A Mousehole

I need to find a new job. My current job just feels like a waste of time. It's not a complete waste of time because they pay me but I'm not learning anything. There is no job in that store I am looking to move towards. I need to pivot and I need to pivot sooner than later. It would be a little more tolerable if they paid me better too. I can barely stand doing it for more than 30 hours in a week. It's a free time problem too because I put a lot of pressure on my free time and what I do spend money on.

My resume is basically:

- BA in History from a very good school
- Poker
- 2 yr gap
- Steel industry Account Manager
- 2 year gap
- Uber driver
- Prep cook (Pizza)
- Whole Foods Prepared Foods (Pizza)
- 2 year gap
- Nordstrom
- 2 year gap
- Grocery store cashier

Anthropic Claude liked my History degree. I can read and write. It loved poker. It liked the sales experience. It lumped everything else into like "fast-paced, customer facing experience." There aren't really any achievements in food & bev or retail. Not like in sales or poker. Poker is kind of dicey too since I eventually lost most of my bankroll and decided to stop playing. Sales I eventually lost the most profitable account in the region (that I originally won in legendary fashion) and tried to drink myself to death.

Anthropic Claude said I should look into Policy. Basically, reading stuff and writing arguments.

The funny thing is today was pretty good at work. I was joking around with the managers and customers and not having such a bad time. It's just doing that for so many hours in a week wears on me. Time and attention is my most important resource. I'm not learning shit at the job and there is no job I want in that store. That's what I keep coming back to. But, I'm really clueless as to what I should be looking to pivot too. Anthropic had 78 openings. I don't think I'm qualified for any of them. The Policy jobs were not entry-level at all rofl. There were all senior-level jobs. Trust and Safety (Safeguards) is intriguing but again that would be something I would have to work towards for years.

Oh well, it's not like I have to decide where to pivot to tonight. I just can't sleep and felt like getting some stuff down on paper.

Sometimes you just have to wash your towels and sheets. It's a great feeling. That seems like the kind of Saturday it is. The only thing I've really done all day..... That's not true. I started the day with an AA meeting and breakfast with friends, got a good lift in, took a nap, watched some Daniela Amodei interviews, and I'm washing my towels and sheets. I should probably put in more time cleaning my room and my bathroom... It's ok. It's a day off but I have to be up early tomorrow (4am). There is only so much time left in the day. I'm almost at the winding down stages.

If I'm being realistic, Anthropic or Palantir or one of these companies I might not have a shot at working for them. That's ok. There has got to be a fit somewhere. I should probably take more action than just contemplating, contemplating, contemplating.......

It's what I do though. I am a snail like Byung-Chung Han, slow and inert. I have never been fast at anything except for maybe painting and coming into a woman with a great ass that backs it up well. I don't know. I'm trying to think of the things I'm fast at and I am just generally slow at things.

Most people want efficiency, speed, achievement-subjects. I don't know if I can roll like that. I don't know what I am excellent at. Aristotle said the good life was doing something you are excellent at, for the sake of doing it, with people you like. I gotta find that man! For Aristotle, the ultimate purpose of knowledge is practical execution and ethical living rather than mere accumulation of facts. I'm sick of information. I'm sick of noise. Just give me the signal and let me run with it. I'd probably be a lot happier, HA! "I'd probably be a lot happier." Famous last words. It was nice going to an AA meeting this morning and eating breakfast with friends though. I could use more of that in AA settings and non-AA settings.

So, it seems as simple as that. Find a new job and find more quality friends but that is like entirely over-hauling my life in a way. In both cases, as long as I'm doing a little bit a day it does not seem so overwhelming. It's like going to the gym. Maybe I got like a few more reps in today than I did last week but over a year it can make a difference. Over 5 years it can make a massive difference. Maybe one day I could have the opportunity to work for Anthropic but for now I'm just happy I have clean towels and clean sheets.

I have some more laundry to do. I'm awaiting a phone call. Might as well kill some time here eh? Nay?

It's really nice having fresh sheets and towels. How often do you clean your towels and your sheets?

I ate some banana bread and drank some white tea. I am still drinking my white tea.

I question Elon Musk's meaning for life. His meaning of life is expanding human consciousness as far and as wide as possible. As a fan of Emil Cioran I have to question that motive. Being some sort of nihilist is not all that great either. I don't know what my meaning of life is. I don't know if I ever have.

No one is going to save me. It's on me to get what I want out of life or can Jesus save me? Here is where I kind of like Sartre's idea of radical freedom and radical authenticity and why it grabbed me 16 years ago and drove me to kick ass for a while. Ultimately, alcohol became a greater drive of my life. I still believe that I am in some part the sum of my actions. There is an existing, a lacking, and The Lacked. Sartre really has some great stuff. Like many atheists he filled his life up with activism and politics. Maybe it is better to be humble and of service to God whatever that means. A lot of people think that God can save us whatever that means. I would like to re-read Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett. That had a great impact on me when I was younger. I do think that things matter. I would rather smell good than not smell good.

I bought a pair of Brooks Ghost 17 shoes today. I got a deal for $109. The color I wanted was $135 but I decided to get the other pair for $109. Shoes are important. I should probably change shoes every 6 months. This go around I ran the old Brooks Ghost 17s into the ground and then some for about 9 months, maybe 10 months. That is a little too long to go with how often I use them. I'm standing on my feet all day and I go for walks all of the time. How often do y'all change shoes?

Overall, it was a pretty human day today. I can't really complain. I would have liked to read more but I just did not have the time. I wonder if my friend will call me back?

The AA meeting has lost its novelty. It's more so spiritual hygiene at this point. It's nice seeing some friends on a consistent weekly basis though.

I have been listening to a lot of Vegyn and Grimes Visions. Both artists use Logic Pro on a Mac. I'm trying to motivate myself to create some music but I just haven't been in the mood. It's been ok. I would actually take social connection over anything else at this point but not too much. I am typically a bit more introverted than extroverted. I need my time to just write on LP and listen to music.

It feels like I am getting somewhere with my job search. I'm still figuring out my resume. I like autonomy but I also like structure and accountability. I like freedom but not isolation. I prefer people-facing roles to strictly being behind a computer. I like smaller companies with strong leadership / founders. The wisest pivot is probably something in sales or customer success. It's good to think about what I want and need in a company rather than just saying I want to work for Anthropic which is not realistic.

Topsy turvey on a motha' fucka'

I took a personality test at aella.lol (Which image is you?).

I ended up being a "Seducer of Delight" identity type.

I don't feel like going over every last detail but something I found interesting is it said there was an 80% chance I was a woman. I rated very high in femininity (71-90th percentile).

These are my top 5 images:











Maybe I'm secretly trans but I've always had a very strong feminine anima yet comfortable in my male body.

Here is some other info from the test:

Bleak
66–88th
Serene

Solitary
33–76th
Among others

Earthly
32–63th
Transcendent

Refined
42–82th
Feral

Antique
61–85th
Futuristic

Literal
84–96th
Abstract

Masculine
71–90th
Feminine

Cerebral
66–91th
Emotional

Chiller
24–61th
Builder

AI-generated
13–40th
Human-made

No surprise that I'm highly emotional.

those are some pretty trippy images if i was on some shrooms that would be even more trippy

rikd u are a pisces so u have feminine energy but rat is masculine so both

I used to think Issey Miyake could save my life. If I could just afford some Issey Miyake I would be dope and win at life. I bought a sampler of Issey Miyake cologne recently. A few bucks for a 1ml vile of the stuff. I don't even like it. I much prefer the Yves Saint Laurent La Nuit De L'Homme I'm wearing. I've got some China made t-shirt(<$10), Amazon Essential pants (<$25), Bread and Boxer raggedy ass boxer briefs (these were probably $10 a pair 10 years ago) , Darn Tough socks (who spends $25 on socks?), Brooks Ghost 17s baby ($109). How's that for a fit baby?

I prefer typing on my mechanical blue switch key keyboard than my macbook. Air conditioning is fixed so no reason to be downstairs anymore. I prefer macOS to Windows though. I quite like my Razor mouse and audio interface and my guitar plugged in literally right next to me. I think the kicker is that I love my computer chair. It's better than the old dining room wooden chairs downstairs.

I've all of a sudden gotten obsessive about the first novella I wrote. Revising and adding pieces. LP is absolutely a surrogate to things like working on a novella or human connection. I was up until 1:30 am last night working on it and basically slept and started working on it and I've worked on it all day besides going to the gym and eating. Fuck, it still needs work but the bare bones are pretty fucking strong. I figure I'll send it to a friend, maybe 2 friends, and my sister. What it's missing now is a little harder to implement. I should probably take a break from it. Fuck!

Ok, ok, ok. I know LP is a surrogate but I have been going HAM on this manuscript. Written 3 new scenes and continue to cut off the fat. I am scared to cut off too much fat in this state. I have been living with this thing the last few days. Obsessed. Every waking moment. I need a break. I need a break for a few days or a week maybe. I sent the manuscript to a close friend who said he wanted to read it. It's funny one of the core components of the book is desire, escape, and addiction and I am hitting all 3 in working on it.

Dude. You're fucked. I know you and lost like to hand-jerk each other, but jesus

Neilly is a stronger piece of character at this point. That's terrible

I'm thinking of playing poker again. May I use your pretty face?

aside: thanks lost for staking me that one time

stop being such an emo faggot man, no one likes that

On August 01 2026 04:10 devon06atX wrote: Dude. You're fucked. I know you and lost like to hand-jerk each other, but jesus Neilly is a stronger piece of character at this point. That's terrible I'm thinking of playing poker again. May I use your pretty face? aside: thanks lost for staking me that one time

thanks devon

but ur a dick Devon no one likes being a dick peace

I literally just posted a psychological test where it showed I am 80% chance to be a highly emotional female. It is what it is.

---

Today at the AA meeting the chairperson asked me to take the meeting prayer. I blanked for like I don't know how long but it felt like a long time. Just silence. Then, I told the chairperson that I didn't know the Lord's Prayer and he started it. I felt embarrassed. I started making stories up in my head that I would be a pariah at the meeting. I went to help clean up. No one talked to me. Some guy came up to me and said, "I used to not know the Lord's Prayer either... I'm Jewish." I used to know it. It just shows how many meetings I haven't been to in the last 5 years. Then, the women that was sitting next to me and held my hand during the prayer came up to me, "What's up dude?" and shook my hand and winked at me. No tellin' what the wink was for or if it was even done consciously.

Then, I went to lift some weights. My Viking Princess was there again. She's always there when I'm there. She is pretty intense with the lifting. I am pretty intense with the lifting. I don't really think there is a good time to say "Hey." Just a nice part of the lift to be there among the Viking Elite. I rubbed shoulders with her today. She was walking down the tight staircase while I was walking up. I had a pretty hard workout and was sweating pretty hard. Hopefully, she enjoyed my stank, my aura, etc. She didn't smell like anything. I think physiologically, subconsiously smell is very important. It's like a binary thing, yay or nay on something I can't even control besides using good body wash and scent but I don't wear cologne to the gym because that is not cool. I don't wear cologne to work. I don't wear cologne to AA. I have good body wash though. I have gotten compliments for how I smell. I am not a pariah. My Viking Princess is tall but I am taller. There was like 3 Viking Princesses in there today. They are all tall but I am taller. I don't think I'm fucked. I mean sure I am a bit. Specifically, in regards to getting some sort of occupation at Anthropic and marrying some Viking Princess and having Viking children and living happily ever after but IN REALITY I don't actually think I'm that fucked. I'm pretty content right now. I could use a cigar and Numbers On The Board by Pusha T. It was a good Saturday.

On August 01 2026 16:32 newgeinnings wrote: but ur a dick Devon no one likes being a dick peace

lol true that.

In all honesty, I hope the best for rikd (and you as well for that matter!). It's just irritating seeing the exact same complaints/arguments made from intelligent people. It's like a hamster wheel of silliness. I feel like he could accomplish really good things if he just smartened up.

The resume for example, it's hurting. Gotta start at the beginning basically, no one is going to hand you something out of the blue - you gotta work for it.

Anyways. GL rikd, rooting for ya homey (and yes, I will likely call you out again in the future - no fucking doubt).

xo

I keep saying I'm going to take a break from the manuscript yet there goes another 6 hours. Sometimes it feels like I am getting close but another scene pops up or something obvious appears that I need to edit. It is true to say that I am getting closer but I don't think it is true to say that I am close. The atmosphere is so fucking good though: Super low lighting, late night chill music, drenched in Creed Aventus, white tea, and discovery. Although, at the moment I'm not pure discovery writer. I have been plotting / outlining some things. The skeleton of the book is there it's just about filling it out in a way that serves the story / vibes.

It's midnight and I know looking at the damn manuscript is not a good idea but it's all I got right now. A novella on desire, addiction, obsession, escape....

I sent a way past version to a friend who basically inspired it. "Just write about fried chicken and Waffle House" - he said. I sent it in the mail so who knows when it will get there or even if he will read it.

So, I do want some people to read it but I have to try to stay in some mode that I am writing for the sake of writing it. Like the vibes of the thing are more important to me than anything maybe. I just want to create the best piece of art. Something honest. Something that I like.

On August 02 2026 11:31 devon06atX wrote: Show nested quote + On August 01 2026 16:32 newgeinnings wrote: but ur a dick Devon no one likes being a dick peace lol true that. In all honesty, I hope the best for rikd (and you as well for that matter!). It's just irritating seeing the exact same complaints/arguments made from intelligent people. It's like a hamster wheel of silliness. I feel like he could accomplish really good things if he just smartened up. The resume for example, it's hurting. Gotta start at the beginning basically, no one is going to hand you something out of the blue - you gotta work for it. Anyways. GL rikd, rooting for ya homey (and yes, I will likely call you out again in the future - no fucking doubt). xo

cool