Memoirs From A Mousehole

Less mouse hole and more rat park 2026!

I'm too old to play sports. I can probably still fuck ok if I knock some of the dust off my penis. What does a rat park even look like in 2026?

I don't know why I bother to code when LLMs are going to be able to do it all for me in like 3 months. Now would be a perfect time to dedicate to some problem sets but I just don't feel like it. I'd rather listen to Radiohead and type here. I should be going all-in on leisure activities and ludic play. Become the best at it in the world. I already think I'm pretty good at it. I just need to get back into music more, get a painting studio, start another novella or novel. There is this annoying annoyance called earning money that is a thing these days that may not always be a thing. It drains me. IT DRAINS ME. That's why they pay me money for it. Surprisingly, I have Friday night and Saturday off. That hasn't happened maybe ever in the last 9-10 months besides my vacation. It feels good man. But, I gotta get into the music man. It was fun jamming with my nephew. I have so much expression to get out this blog does not even make a dent. Luckily, calling friends on the phone or going to an AA meeting with friends is not really expression in the way I am talking about creatively. It can sort of be adjacent though or scratch the same itch in a way. It is all a part of being human. Not an isolated human in a mouse hole. Overdosing on morphine in a cage alone.

My guitars! The AC upstairs is busted. I've just been leaving my guitars upstairs in like 80 degree heat. Hopefully, it's not fucking them up that bad.

My dinner tonight was a great one: Watermelon, peaches, corn, squash, and shrimp all local. I don't feel that bad eating shrimp. Maybe I should. Today, a customer bought this giant bag of calf livers that made me revolted. There was like 10 livers in this perfectly, disgustingly packaged bag. Who knows how many the store carries. That's a lot of dead baby cows. Their mothers' screaming at their abduction. Talk is cheap motherfucker. There should not be animal hierarchies. If it's wrong it's wrong. I am wrong but inertia and the path of least resistance make me morally inferior to vegans. Deep down I am not ok with that but day to day those thoughts tend to not flash by too often. I suppose I am a bit selfish to not be in a psych ward for so many years and not had a drink or drug in so many years and not share my message or strength, experience, and hope. I am still self-centered even self-obsessed. Just look at this blog as an example but it doesn't seem to bleed out all over my life. I go to work. I generally do a good job. I come home. I struggle with meaning. We have to assign meaning. Sometimes it's tough. Sometimes it's entertainment. Sometimes it's leisure. Sometimes it's whatever. I don't feel that fulfilled. Argentina v England from 55 min. I wasn't thinking about fulfillment. Playing bass with my nephew I wasn't thinking about fulfillment, I was feeling enlightened.

I had a hard think today about calling out from work but I soldiered on and got through a tough day. If my job is so easy why do I get so anxious? Sometimes it is like I am a ball of cortisol and nerves. Right now, typing and listening to Radiohead is just really fucking stupid in some ways but it's all I can or want to do. Listening to Headache, Vegyn. Miss Understood is really a fucking good one.

Every fiber of my body told me to call off work today. I just breathed. Breathed. Breathed. Exhale longer. exhale longer. exhale longer. Peak and pass. peak and pass. peak and pass. I couldn't get comfy enough in bed. I hit the snooze button seemingly a thousand times. If I can just get up. Breathe. If I can just get up. breathe. Just get some warmth in the shower. Ok. I'm in the routine. I'm in the routine. I'm doing it. Peak and pass. Peak and pass. Exhale. exhale. Why do I have to do this shit? Just to show up. Just show up.

Why do I have to do this shit? Just to show up. Just show up.

The day was fine. It fucking sucked. It was fine. Whatever. I'm out of there now listening to The Internet and Kaytranada typing on here instead of doing problem sets that I could get an LLM to do pretty simply for free. There is style to code. There is some form of creativity and expression to code but it's not the same as music, art, literature, poetry.

Get a job and stop being a pussy

rikd has work but just doesn't like his work...but he does need to level up. gl rikd

On July 18 2026 05:08 devon06atX wrote: Get a job and stop being a pussy

¡La concha de tu madre!

Argentina is going to win tomorrow and it is going to feel good. Or, they will lose and it will feel bad. That's part of the fun.

Family is always interesting. I don't have kids and I live far away so I feel like I'm drifting a bit. To balance that out I am making more of an effort with the close friends I have here. I choose my friends, I don't choose my family but I am lucky in that I like my family. I love my family.

Ok, laundry is done. I can read and go to sleep. Peace.

I want more of a sweat for this World Cup Finals:

My $100 on Argentina to your $200 on Spain.

obv would have had to quote it

or had someone vouch or escrow or w/e I should have made that clear

luckily lp is mostly dead

Would need like $2,000 to my $100 at this point.

Where were ya J?

Could've picked up a free $100 lying on the ground.

lol rikd the odds u gave wasn't even good 100 vs 200 coulda gotten better at the bookies.
i won my small bet with the sites though. vamos spain
pretty tired from yesterday so i slept early for a good 14 hours or so

how was the AA meeting on saturday?

On July 20 2026 14:17 newgeinnings wrote: lol rikd the odds u gave wasn't even good 100 vs 200 coulda gotten better at the bookies. i won my small bet with the sites though. vamos spain pretty tired from yesterday so i slept early for a good 14 hours or so

;P

I like even numbers ;P

2 to 1, 3 to 1, etc.

Spain was probably more than 66.67% to win that game.

On July 20 2026 14:19 newgeinnings wrote: how was the AA meeting on saturday?

It was good. It was nice hanging out with my buddies. The meeting itself was just whatever. Some asshole in the meeting rudely interrupted the chairperson when she was sharing. It was wildly out of hand. 1 meeting back and I already have a resentment for this douchebag. We went out for breakfast after which was great. I'm going back this Saturday.

My viking princess was in the gym again today. There are a lot of attractive women in the gym though, my God.

I just dropped $100 on cologne samples. It feels kind of decadent to be honest. I can afford it and it's better than dropping $100 on 1 bottle that I've never tried before but still. I could do without it. Oh well, I really enjoy scents and I just bought a handful of 20+ spray samplers. It's a $100 experiment.

I could give a fuck about fashion anymore but I've been wanting more tattoos. I'm trying to get to the point where I am the right amount jacked but I'm eating too much food lately. It's frustrating though because I keep setting 40 yr old personal records in the gym like every time I go lately in every lift. I mean that's the point but I mean I am moving the weights like WHOA lately and I don't want it to end in a cutting phase. It will inevitably have to end in a cutting phase though but grrrrrrrr I have been enjoying the eating and the lifting more than anything else in life. Ultimately, I don't enjoy being a fat piggy so I'm going to have to figure out how to cut soon.

My new favorite past time is keeping up with all the drama surrounding OpenAI and its splinters Grok (X) and Claude (Anthropic). I am trying to figure out where I want to put most of my business. Clearly, Sam Altman is a psychopath. Elon probably is too. Dario and Daniela (Anthropic) seem cool I guess. Who the fuck really knows? User experience and design has always been important to me. I think Anthropic wins in that regard. OpenAI (ChatGPT) may be the best in other areas. Grok is a little behind for what I want in an LLM.

So, I sit here sippin' white tea listening to good music. Procrastinating looking at some problem sets. Maybe I never look at these problem sets again. I'd be better off reading or walking. I'm kind of tired at the moment. I was up at 5am today. Not the time to start any big projects. That's what I keep telling myself anyways....

What do I have to do to earn the hand of my viking princess?

I guess I am a little frustrated I haven't done anything with my Logic Pro yet. I'll have to bring that up at the therapist. Also, talk about taking off Saturdays for an AA meeting. Also, talk about finding something else to trade my time for money. I don't know we'll just see how it plays out. Hopefully, I can get some stuff done tomorrow that I didn't get done today. That I am actively not doing by writing this blog post.

How come whenever someone talks about The Good Life it always entails some vision of a grand European meal with red wine? There is more to The Good Life than that!

I've been a little discontent tonight. A wank to Gabbie Carter only helped so much. I had a therapist appointment today. Sometimes I never know how those things go. I certainly got a lot off my chest but to what end? She said I could look into being a welder or a graphic designer. I still haven't looked at those problem sets. The LLMs probably code better than most and will be better than 99% in no time at all. The most recent ChatGPT version solved a 30 year unsolved math problem with the prompt "Do a breakthrough." Ed Zitron could be a bit off in his projections. Elon Musk says in 10 years the AI robots will be doing just about everything better than a human. I saw what happened in poker. It does not seem unreasonable to me that that could happen in every field. Then again, Elon Musk is selling a product. Ed Zitron is selling something too. He is a PR guy afterall.

I need to find a new job. My current job just feels like a waste of time. It's not a complete waste of time because they pay me but I'm not learning anything. There is no job in that store I am looking to move towards. I need to pivot and I need to pivot sooner than later. It would be a little more tolerable if they paid me better too. I can barely stand doing it for more than 30 hours in a week. It's a free time problem too because I put a lot of pressure on my free time and what I do spend money on.

My resume is basically:

- BA in History from a very good school
- Poker
- 2 yr gap
- Steel industry Account Manager
- 2 year gap
- Uber driver
- Prep cook (Pizza)
- Whole Foods Prepared Foods (Pizza)
- 2 year gap
- Nordstrom
- 2 year gap
- Grocery store cashier

Anthropic Claude liked my History degree. I can read and write. It loved poker. It liked the sales experience. It lumped everything else into like "fast-paced, customer facing experience." There aren't really any achievements in food & bev or retail. Not like in sales or poker. Poker is kind of dicey too since I eventually lost most of my bankroll and decided to stop playing. Sales I eventually lost the most profitable account in the region (that I originally won in legendary fashion) and tried to drink myself to death.

Anthropic Claude said I should look into Policy. Basically, reading stuff and writing arguments.

The funny thing is today was pretty good at work. I was joking around with the managers and customers and not having such a bad time. It's just doing that for so many hours in a week wears on me. Time and attention is my most important resource. I'm not learning shit at the job and there is no job I want in that store. That's what I keep coming back to. But, I'm really clueless as to what I should be looking to pivot too. Anthropic had 78 openings. I don't think I'm qualified for any of them. The Policy jobs were not entry-level at all rofl. There were all senior-level jobs. Trust and Safety (Safeguards) is intriguing but again that would be something I would have to work towards for years.

Oh well, it's not like I have to decide where to pivot to tonight. I just can't sleep and felt like getting some stuff down on paper.

Sometimes you just have to wash your towels and sheets. It's a great feeling. That seems like the kind of Saturday it is. The only thing I've really done all day..... That's not true. I started the day with an AA meeting and breakfast with friends, got a good lift in, took a nap, watched some Daniela Amodei interviews, and I'm washing my towels and sheets. I should probably put in more time cleaning my room and my bathroom... It's ok. It's a day off but I have to be up early tomorrow (4am). There is only so much time left in the day. I'm almost at the winding down stages.

If I'm being realistic, Anthropic or Palantir or one of these companies I might not have a shot at working for them. That's ok. There has got to be a fit somewhere. I should probably take more action than just contemplating, contemplating, contemplating.......

It's what I do though. I am a snail like Byung-Chung Han, slow and inert. I have never been fast at anything except for maybe painting and coming into a woman with a great ass that backs it up well. I don't know. I'm trying to think of the things I'm fast at and I am just generally slow at things.

Most people want efficiency, speed, achievement-subjects. I don't know if I can roll like that. I don't know what I am excellent at. Aristotle said the good life was doing something you are excellent at, for the sake of doing it, with people you like. I gotta find that man! For Aristotle, the ultimate purpose of knowledge is practical execution and ethical living rather than mere accumulation of facts. I'm sick of information. I'm sick of noise. Just give me the signal and let me run with it. I'd probably be a lot happier, HA! "I'd probably be a lot happier." Famous last words. It was nice going to an AA meeting this morning and eating breakfast with friends though. I could use more of that in AA settings and non-AA settings.

So, it seems as simple as that. Find a new job and find more quality friends but that is like entirely over-hauling my life in a way. In both cases, as long as I'm doing a little bit a day it does not seem so overwhelming. It's like going to the gym. Maybe I got like a few more reps in today than I did last week but over a year it can make a difference. Over 5 years it can make a massive difference. Maybe one day I could have the opportunity to work for Anthropic but for now I'm just happy I have clean towels and clean sheets.

I have some more laundry to do. I'm awaiting a phone call. Might as well kill some time here eh? Nay?

It's really nice having fresh sheets and towels. How often do you clean your towels and your sheets?

I ate some banana bread and drank some white tea. I am still drinking my white tea.

I question Elon Musk's meaning for life. His meaning of life is expanding human consciousness as far and as wide as possible. As a fan of Emil Cioran I have to question that motive. Being some sort of nihilist is not all that great either. I don't know what my meaning of life is. I don't know if I ever have.

No one is going to save me. It's on me to get what I want out of life or can Jesus save me? Here is where I kind of like Sartre's idea of radical freedom and radical authenticity and why it grabbed me 16 years ago and drove me to kick ass for a while. Ultimately, alcohol became a greater drive of my life. I still believe that I am in some part the sum of my actions. There is an existing, a lacking, and The Lacked. Sartre really has some great stuff. Like many atheists he filled his life up with activism and politics. Maybe it is better to be humble and of service to God whatever that means. A lot of people think that God can save us whatever that means. I would like to re-read Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett. That had a great impact on me when I was younger. I do think that things matter. I would rather smell good than not smell good.

I bought a pair of Brooks Ghost 17 shoes today. I got a deal for $109. The color I wanted was $135 but I decided to get the other pair for $109. Shoes are important. I should probably change shoes every 6 months. This go around I ran the old Brooks Ghost 17s into the ground and then some for about 9 months, maybe 10 months. That is a little too long to go with how often I use them. I'm standing on my feet all day and I go for walks all of the time. How often do y'all change shoes?

Overall, it was a pretty human day today. I can't really complain. I would have liked to read more but I just did not have the time. I wonder if my friend will call me back?

The AA meeting has lost its novelty. It's more so spiritual hygiene at this point. It's nice seeing some friends on a consistent weekly basis though.

I have been listening to a lot of Vegyn and Grimes Visions. Both artists use Logic Pro on a Mac. I'm trying to motivate myself to create some music but I just haven't been in the mood. It's been ok. I would actually take social connection over anything else at this point but not too much. I am typically a bit more introverted than extroverted. I need my time to just write on LP and listen to music.

It feels like I am getting somewhere with my job search. I'm still figuring out my resume. I like autonomy but I also like structure and accountability. I like freedom but not isolation. I prefer people-facing roles to strictly being behind a computer. I like smaller companies with strong leadership / founders. The wisest pivot is probably something in sales or customer success. It's good to think about what I want and need in a company rather than just saying I want to work for Anthropic which is not realistic.

Topsy turvey on a motha' fucka'