Memoirs From A Mousehole - Page 2

How come whenever someone talks about The Good Life it always entails some vision of a grand European meal with red wine? There is more to The Good Life than that!

I've been a little discontent tonight. A wank to Gabbie Carter only helped so much. I had a therapist appointment today. Sometimes I never know how those things go. I certainly got a lot off my chest but to what end? She said I could look into being a welder or a graphic designer. I still haven't looked at those problem sets. The LLMs probably code better than most and will be better than 99% in no time at all. The most recent ChatGPT version solved a 30 year unsolved math problem with the prompt "Do a breakthrough." Ed Zitron could be a bit off in his projections. Elon Musk says in 10 years the AI robots will be doing just about everything better than a human. I saw what happened in poker. It does not seem unreasonable to me that that could happen in every field. Then again, Elon Musk is selling a product. Ed Zitron is selling something too. He is a PR guy afterall.

I need to find a new job. My current job just feels like a waste of time. It's not a complete waste of time because they pay me but I'm not learning anything. There is no job in that store I am looking to move towards. I need to pivot and I need to pivot sooner than later. It would be a little more tolerable if they paid me better too. I can barely stand doing it for more than 30 hours in a week. It's a free time problem too because I put a lot of pressure on my free time and what I do spend money on.

My resume is basically:

- BA in History from a very good school
- Poker
- 2 yr gap
- Steel industry Account Manager
- 2 year gap
- Uber driver
- Prep cook (Pizza)
- Whole Foods Prepared Foods (Pizza)
- 2 year gap
- Nordstrom
- 2 year gap
- Grocery store cashier

Anthropic Claude liked my History degree. I can read and write. It loved poker. It liked the sales experience. It lumped everything else into like "fast-paced, customer facing experience." There aren't really any achievements in food & bev or retail. Not like in sales or poker. Poker is kind of dicey too since I eventually lost most of my bankroll and decided to stop playing. Sales I eventually lost the most profitable account in the region (that I originally won in legendary fashion) and tried to drink myself to death.

Anthropic Claude said I should look into Policy. Basically, reading stuff and writing arguments.

The funny thing is today was pretty good at work. I was joking around with the managers and customers and not having such a bad time. It's just doing that for so many hours in a week wears on me. Time and attention is my most important resource. I'm not learning shit at the job and there is no job I want in that store. That's what I keep coming back to. But, I'm really clueless as to what I should be looking to pivot too. Anthropic had 78 openings. I don't think I'm qualified for any of them. The Policy jobs were not entry-level at all rofl. There were all senior-level jobs. Trust and Safety (Safeguards) is intriguing but again that would be something I would have to work towards for years.

Oh well, it's not like I have to decide where to pivot to tonight. I just can't sleep and felt like getting some stuff down on paper.

Sometimes you just have to wash your towels and sheets. It's a great feeling. That seems like the kind of Saturday it is. The only thing I've really done all day..... That's not true. I started the day with an AA meeting and breakfast with friends, got a good lift in, took a nap, watched some Daniela Amodei interviews, and I'm washing my towels and sheets. I should probably put in more time cleaning my room and my bathroom... It's ok. It's a day off but I have to be up early tomorrow (4am). There is only so much time left in the day. I'm almost at the winding down stages.

If I'm being realistic, Anthropic or Palantir or one of these companies I might not have a shot at working for them. That's ok. There has got to be a fit somewhere. I should probably take more action than just contemplating, contemplating, contemplating.......

It's what I do though. I am a snail like Byung-Chung Han, slow and inert. I have never been fast at anything except for maybe painting and coming into a woman with a great ass that backs it up well. I don't know. I'm trying to think of the things I'm fast at and I am just generally slow at things.

Most people want efficiency, speed, achievement-subjects. I don't know if I can roll like that. I don't know what I am excellent at. Aristotle said the good life was doing something you are excellent at, for the sake of doing it, with people you like. I gotta find that man! For Aristotle, the ultimate purpose of knowledge is practical execution and ethical living rather than mere accumulation of facts. I'm sick of information. I'm sick of noise. Just give me the signal and let me run with it. I'd probably be a lot happier, HA! "I'd probably be a lot happier." Famous last words. It was nice going to an AA meeting this morning and eating breakfast with friends though. I could use more of that in AA settings and non-AA settings.

So, it seems as simple as that. Find a new job and find more quality friends but that is like entirely over-hauling my life in a way. In both cases, as long as I'm doing a little bit a day it does not seem so overwhelming. It's like going to the gym. Maybe I got like a few more reps in today than I did last week but over a year it can make a difference. Over 5 years it can make a massive difference. Maybe one day I could have the opportunity to work for Anthropic but for now I'm just happy I have clean towels and clean sheets.

I have some more laundry to do. I'm awaiting a phone call. Might as well kill some time here eh? Nay?

It's really nice having fresh sheets and towels. How often do you clean your towels and your sheets?

I ate some banana bread and drank some white tea. I am still drinking my white tea.

I question Elon Musk's meaning for life. His meaning of life is expanding human consciousness as far and as wide as possible. As a fan of Emil Cioran I have to question that motive. Being some sort of nihilist is not all that great either. I don't know what my meaning of life is. I don't know if I ever have.

No one is going to save me. It's on me to get what I want out of life or can Jesus save me? Here is where I kind of like Sartre's idea of radical freedom and radical authenticity and why it grabbed me 16 years ago and drove me to kick ass for a while. Ultimately, alcohol became a greater drive of my life. I still believe that I am in some part the sum of my actions. There is an existing, a lacking, and The Lacked. Sartre really has some great stuff. Like many atheists he filled his life up with activism and politics. Maybe it is better to be humble and of service to God whatever that means. A lot of people think that God can save us whatever that means. I would like to re-read Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett. That had a great impact on me when I was younger. I do think that things matter. I would rather smell good than not smell good.

I bought a pair of Brooks Ghost 17 shoes today. I got a deal for $109. The color I wanted was $135 but I decided to get the other pair for $109. Shoes are important. I should probably change shoes every 6 months. This go around I ran the old Brooks Ghost 17s into the ground and then some for about 9 months, maybe 10 months. That is a little too long to go with how often I use them. I'm standing on my feet all day and I go for walks all of the time. How often do y'all change shoes?

Overall, it was a pretty human day today. I can't really complain. I would have liked to read more but I just did not have the time. I wonder if my friend will call me back?

The AA meeting has lost its novelty. It's more so spiritual hygiene at this point. It's nice seeing some friends on a consistent weekly basis though.

I have been listening to a lot of Vegyn and Grimes Visions. Both artists use Logic Pro on a Mac. I'm trying to motivate myself to create some music but I just haven't been in the mood. It's been ok. I would actually take social connection over anything else at this point but not too much. I am typically a bit more introverted than extroverted. I need my time to just write on LP and listen to music.

It feels like I am getting somewhere with my job search. I'm still figuring out my resume. I like autonomy but I also like structure and accountability. I like freedom but not isolation. I prefer people-facing roles to strictly being behind a computer. I like smaller companies with strong leadership / founders. The wisest pivot is probably something in sales or customer success. It's good to think about what I want and need in a company rather than just saying I want to work for Anthropic which is not realistic.

Topsy turvey on a motha' fucka'