Improv was cool. I think that was a unique way that I was good at expressing myself. Then, I was doing it like every night and started doing paid gigs. I burnt out. Haven't done it since. That is a shame.
I am still figuring out ways to express myself. Nothing quite beats killing at improv. I've never tried stand-up. But, honestly, just drawing in my room alone is a great form of expression for me. Painting.... Fuck, I miss painting. Singing, dancing, making music. I need it all I think. I think I have a low tolerance for boring and ordinary. Like, I want aliveness and intense aliveness more than the average human. It's like nothing is ever good enough. Except for sleeping in, drinking coffee, lifting, and post-workout nutrition. Although I ate at the local Italian down the street. It was delicious. Got the same waitress as last week. She didn't have her tits out. What a shame. She is too young for me. She has a cool name. Whatever. The food was delicious. I love Italian food.
High tops in the summer. Don't be a bummer babe. Be my undercover lover babe.
There is no such thing as authenticity. I find that liberating. I don't have to fret over it. It's just there or not there. I can buy some high tops and just say I'm human and persuaded by Lana Del Rey. Or, I can wisen up and say fuck it I don't need high tops. That's why I need lifting though. Do you know how good it feels to get a Street Fighter II Turbo PERFECT in the weight room?
fk I hear yea rikd "now what" for me as well. im gonna go to the casino to play some baccarat later but im not gambling big gonna bring 50$ n see if I can run it up.
usually this time of the year ill be laying at the beach but that shit doesn't interest me too much anymore. I dont really want to play poker today cuz tilted from yesterday.
waking n just printing money doesn't happen anymore sadly so shit LOL.
I'm just sitting around waiting for a friend to call me back. I'm in that kind of weird space where I am just sort of setting up a clean landing for sleep. It doesn't really matter what I do besides not slamming an energy drink and getting involved with something activating. I'm just sippin' on a white tea listening to some music clicking and clacking on the keyboard.
I don't think I have any revelations to share. Life is generally not like that. I had a pretty good day though.
"In the land of Gods and monsters, I was an angel, looking to get fucked hard." - Lana Del Rey
I don't know if this friend is going to call me back tonight. Which is annoying to just sit around doing whatever but I already did enough today and doing whatever is exactly what I need.
One of my walks today I went through the forest because I couldn't bear to walk through the suburbs again. With all of their houses and lawns and cars. I am a product of white suburbia. Maybe I'm a little strange. Maybe I've gone through some fucked up shit which made me stranger. I don't really know. Truth has dissapeared. Reality has disappeared. Authenticity was never there to begin with. Motion within collapse. Is that all that I can hope for? Entropy, inertia, it's all fucked up. Wouldn't it be better to meditate in the middle of the deep forest by a waterfall?
But, I decide to drink white tea, listen to music, and write write write.
I enjoy it more than playing solitaire.
I enjoy it more than playing solitaire.
Just typing out "I enjoy it more than playing solitaire" is more enjoyable than playing solitaire.
Shit, I am restless all of a sudden. Time for another walk.
That is what is capturing the moment. Instead of drinking Red Bull vodkas and taking ecstasy I drank some water and took some Mirtazapine. I want a hot bitch to use her vagina and her body and cum in her face and fall asleep. Fuck making love. That is for nerds.
I'm definitely winding down for the night. Maybe I'll read some more Dostoevsky and crash.
So Heavy I Fell Through The Earth - Art Mix by Grimes is kind of lovely and dreamy at this point in time.
I'm sleepy but I can't sleep. I wish this damn friend would call me back. Sometimes on these Mondays and Tuesdays I get lonely. Maybe I don't want to use up a cum dumpster and kick her out of the crib. Maybe I want to cuddle and talk about dreams. Smoke a cigarette. Be quiet. Lie there. Be OK. Listen to some Radiohead. Make some breakfast. Make some pancakes. Make some coffee. Talk about who knows what?
I think my last image trifecta (quadfecta?) might be my favorite. At least that was my mood at the time.
My electric guitar setup is so money but my bass setup is so shit. I need new strings on both. It starts to get expensive with lessons and everything but it's probably worth if if I can get closer to what I want to do. I fucking love GTO Wizard but if I'm not actually playing any hands of real poker there just doesn't seem like any motivation there. I can get with studying like 2 hours a day or so for 2 months to then go on to mixing it up with the real thing but there is no real thing. If I can spend $99/month on GTO Wizard I can drop GTO Wizard and study the guitar for $200/month. Of course, there are restringing and setups which cost more. I don't know. It's not something I have to decide on at 10:17pm on a Monday night.
I don't actually want to start smoking cigarettes again but people are naive if they don't think there are benefits to cigarettes. Of course, there are benefits to cigarettes but there are also a lot of negatives. For me the negatives outweigh the benefits but I do miss smoking sometimes. Just as I miss drinking and doing drugs. I miss fragments of time. On the whole it's a disaster.
Listenin' to Bon Iver and chillin'. I'm grasping on to being awake because it feels like I don't actually want to sleep yet. I've been having good dreams lately too.
There is something serene about taking a shit in peace. Work shits are always rushed and in public bathrooms. It's nice to just take some time to have a bowell movement at the pace of the bowell movement.
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United States. May 31 2026 01:44. Posts 9886
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