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Ideas and Realizations

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RiKD    United States. Jul 19 2023 05:09. Posts 8090
Realization is a strong word. How often do we have realizations?

I thought I had a Spiritual Experience as the result of a 12-step program's Steps. I mean that is how I would describe it. Albeit it was a much more gradual experience. A flip did not switch that allowed me to magically be sober. It was a combination of a number of things over the course of a year or so. I also don't believe that a Spiritual Experience I had in 2014 - 2015 would necessarily be adequate for the rest of my life. To add to that 9 years in I need MORE than just a Spiritual Experience to function as an adult in this society. I need ideas and realizations. It seems like those come at weird times like the shower, a shit, a walk, driving in the car. I don't necessarily think I get ideas from these writings. Oh, I wish I could just shit on a piece of paper and figure something out. However, ideas are nothing with out execution. Realization is a stronger word and realizations are stronger than ideas.

I don't think I am actually a nihilist. I am not a true nihilist but I am on the spectrum. Even nihilists need ideas and realizations. Sometimes I think what is best for this is ultimate repetition or ultimate jolt from comfortable consciousness. It all might come down to our libido as well but I learned that using sex workers and hot strangers for sex while quite grand in the moment offered up a lonliness and emptiness wanting for something more. I don't have my shit together enough to make a woman my girlfriend so I toil away in pain at any number of things. That is where my lonliness comes from it's pretty obvious. I'm lonely because I'm lonely. The emptiness comes and goes. I sure was not empty when I was in the process of beating Lilith or playing Ghost Riders in the Sky by The Outlaws. But even though Diablo IV has brought out an A game flow state what I'm left with is kind of a shitty Pulverize Bear that while tanky as fuck just doesn't do a respectful amount of damage. Finding a Shockwave aspect would help but fuck it I'm just going to rebuild my Rogue for Season 1 if it is even worth playing Diablo IV in the first place.

Anyways, there is no real realization with Diablo IV besides the eventual realization that it's not worth playing. Although, there is still some interest there for me currently. My brother finally got his tornado aspect and it was super fun watching him tear through nightmare dungeons and his werewolf is fucking FAST man. Hard to keep up. I would imagine this period in Diablo IV is the most engaging. From the campaign really heating up to starting nightmare dungeons to world bosses to gambling items. Even running around getting Lilith statues, doing strongholds, events, gambooling obols is pretty occupying.

It's all probably keeping myself from realizations and ideas. I'm smashing myself with this stuff so I don't have to think about my lack in the Other. I love the guitar but a song only lasts for 3 or so minutes. A date is foreplay. How long do you want to keep that going? A night is only a night. Will she be there for more the next day?

I could go both ways but I think the truth is I have a deep, underlying dissatisfaction with how my life is going. It is times like now that I can sort of tap into this but at the same time the music I am listening to is so good and I am acknowledging discontedness brings me to a place of acceptance or fires me up that maybe just maybe there is a way to change. I'm so fucked up I can't function properly in today's society but I think that a lot of people feel this way. It's not entirely our fault. Maybe it would bring power to take ownership and say it's all my fault but I don't think that is the truth. I'm fucked but the society is fucked up more. I just need some time to analyze. I don't even know exactly where realizations like that bring me. Build a better society? Yikes, that's daunting. Attempt to build a better me seems like something I can digest. If I know society is fucked and has a bad impact on me I can deal with that better than just being some bitter nihilist. I want to have meaning. I want to have some sort of moral code. I want to build and I want to make a difference. I just don't fucking know how. I go to work and mostly all my actions are to improve the profitability of the company. So, the sum of my actions lead to improving the profitability of the company. I come home and smash myself with stimuli. I have forgotten who I am and who I want to be. My only rest is novels, sleep, and maybe writing on here. No wonder I am so tired yet we live in a Tiredness Society. Always optimizing. Maybe I want to just sit here and listen to some Portishead for a bit.

I don't think I ever learned how to combat the Burnout Society. Paid Time Off can be a repreive but it's back to it. I can read a novel and take a nap and that goes against the Burnout Society but the Burnout Society has the last laugh in that I am resting to work. As much as I want to fight it there is no escape. Embracing the Burnout Society fully seems to have drastic repercussions for me. I need to thrive if I want a girlfriend yet I am unsure if I am capable of thriving. As things ramp up my anxiety ramps up and I also put myself in danger of mania and/or drinking. I mean shit, things are ramping up so much I am writing a fucking essay on a dead website! Fuck it. I think it's time to read a novel and get some sleep.

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RiKD    United States. Jul 20 2023 04:51. Posts 8090

It is also the society of transparency and accelerated communication/information. The inclination to be more and more transparent and for communication and information to speed up faster and faster. I've read a ton of books and I am still a sucker.

There are two types. One who can form themselves inline with society and the other tries to change society to form to them. I may be hopeless at both. The second one sounds more fun albeit prone to hubris. I never wanted to be a company man just like I never wanted to be a blind patriot. I am neither of these things but I feel powerless in many situations including trying to halt the train driving off the cliff whether that means culture, American empire, climate catastrophe. I would be a fool to think that I can effect culture / society on a global level. That is why Food Not Bombs felt good. I actually was effecting something at a local level. I was doing that with people. People I found interesting and got along with.

I think I need to find another line of work. At least look into it. It's stupid not to but I am hopeless at it partly because I don't really have any ideas on what else I could be doing. Something I can take Sundays off and go back to Food Not Bombs. They may not have all the answers but it felt like something worthwile to do. I don't know. At least I have my novel and sleep.

RiKD    United States. Jul 21 2023 03:48. Posts 8090

What do you want to do before you die?

I can tell you that for me the answer is not scrolling Twitter.

RiKD    United States. Jul 23 2023 03:31. Posts 8090

LP is dead and we killed it.

dnagardi   Hungary. Jul 25 2023 18:59. Posts 1772

lp is dead, time killed it

RiKD    United States. Jul 29 2023 04:11. Posts 8090

I'm back baby! I don't feel like scrolling through Twitter or X LOL! HAHAHA! What is Elon doing with his life? What are any of us doing with our lives?

I'm just sittin' hear chillin'. Alone in my room listening to Burial. What is new? How are y'all doing with your lives?

I am sick of working so much and working so hard. I am trying to learn how to gallop on the guitar but I am not sure how to do it. Yesterday, I slept for 15 hours. I was tired so I took a nap at 8pm and slept until 4:30am like wtf? I took my medicine and then slept until my alarm at 11:25am.

As you can see I don't have a whole lot to say today. Work, work my peon ass off. Work and tiredness. That is my life. Probably forever unless I kill myself. What is hope? There is no such thing as hope without fear. Fuck hope. Fuck fear. Even though I am afraid of too many things. It's about facing fears and trudging along. Or, killing myself. Find a big girl and cuddle. Find a smart girl and go on a date. The chances of these things seem to outweigh suicide. But, if I just keep going at this work, work, always tired Sishyphean never ending trudge up the hill... I mean, I don't imagine Sisyphus happy. Then what? Diablo IV is a joke. Joke game. Baldur's Gate 3 probably isn't the answer. None of that shit is the answer. If I go the AA route that is just a lot of pressure. I think I'd rather just go to Amsterdam and cuddle with sex workers. You know I went to this wrestling event near me by myself the other day. I got front row tickets because why not? I was high fiving all the baby faces and realized that is more physical contact than I have had in a while. It was a lot of fun. It was the first time I had left the house in a while. I know broadly what I want in my life I just don't know how to get there. It's really simple. Girlfriend and friends and I am in a way better spot.

RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2023 03:50. Posts 8090

As I sit here doing laundry twiddling my thumbs I think it is important to analyze. We never have time to contemplate. I'm tired as usual. I would be sleeping if I didn't have clothes in the dryer. So, I put it simply enough in the last post that I want a girlfriend and friends. Getting there is the difficult part. Like, do I need a new job to accomplish this? Do I suck it up and go to AA? Do I start playing Warhammer 40,000 down at the nerd shop?

I should ask my therapist that I know I see her for Bipolar I but what if we just shift gears to girlfriend and friends?

I need help brothers. Now that I think I am mostly done with Diablo IV there is time to pass and I want to not just pass time but thrive in time's duration.

I remember when I used to get really, really high and listen to "Love is Gonna Save Us" by Benny Bennassi. This is when I first started getting really, really high and like with any new drug I reached the heights of euphoria. I still believe that love is going to save me and perhaps us until it doesn't.

Whatever happened to me learning to code? I ran through that book Learning to Code the Hard Way or at least the first 20 or so problems probably 4 damn times but I never got it to stick really or see myself doing that 40+ hours / week. It's pretty easy to just copy code from a book and get it to print. Maybe I need to learn a different way but then again work is working with me for another promotion that I think I should eventually take when it opens up. Again, I don't know what else I should be doing. I've never been good with jobs like what job I should be looking for or what job I should take. Poker was the only thing I naturally fell into but I bungled that at the beginning by not going all-in sooner and then bungled it at the end when I went all-in I would say immaturely. I figured I'd risk $100k to win $2+ milly but I didn't really consider the bad outcomes thoroughly.

Anyways, I'm not looking to collect all the belts by fucking all the races and ethnicities. I mean I suppose I shouldn't just jump to girlfriend. I am going to have to go on some dates first. I'm going to have to leave the house. I am going to have to leave this keyboard and this monitor and this mouse and this computer and this chair. Part of me doesn't want to leave. There are claw marks.

I want to go to raves all night until the sunrises. Take some good speed and some great MDMA. If I could share that with someone special. That seems to me to be what life has to offer. If there were a drug I would do in my sober life it would be MDMA. Thinking back the memories are flooding in. I used to have friends and a life. What happened?

And I don't really have friends at work because I am the boss of everyone except other leadership.

So, I have very few friends but so many friendships I have let decay. I have lived here 7 years and it just feels like I don't have a whole lot to show for it. I am just way older. 33 feels like that could be the prime of a man's life. 40 feels like death. Somehow still a lot of possibilities but also just a bag of dying turd. I'm seizing up faster than I think. Time is moving faster. I'm definitely not 25 but I've got some profound wisdom mostly going to waste. On one hand, I don't want to hurt. I want to be safe and comfortable. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt. I want to live a reasonable life with friends and dating and girlfriends and sex. I would prefer not to masturbate and late night nachos or whatever the fuck else I find in the house.

Alone with the Owl, Howlin' pain pain pain
Alone with the Owl, Howlin' pain pain pain
Alone with the Owl, Howlin' pain pain pain
Did I have to live this way?

When I was alive was I a stray black dog,
When I was alive was I a stray black dog,
When I was alive was I anything at all,
Did I have to live this way?

yadda yadda yadda I don't even know the right lyrics
Stood beside the ocean not a single wave

alone with the owl, howlin' pain pain pain
stood beside the ocean it was the same
lookin' at my life it was the same

Did I have to live this way?

Did I have to live this way?

RiKD    United States. Jul 30 2023 23:44. Posts 8090

I had bananas and sour cream for the first time in my life the other day. My mother suggested it. She grew up on it. It's a very New York Russian Ashkenazi Jew type of thing. Those folks are supposed to be pretty smart and I'll have to tip my hat to them for the bananas and sour cream idea. My mother and grandmother are both very smart and my grandmother was very Russian. They lived with all the Russian Ashkenazi Jews in a neighborhood in the Bronx. My mother and grandmother enjoyed New York City very much. My grandmother had lived her whole life there. My crazy ass grandfather dragged them out of New York City (The City) to live in podunk Akron, OH because he got a new job as a Sales Manager for one of the tire companies. Akron, OH was the Rubber Capital of the World at the time and my crazy ass grandfather decided to take the job and buy a home without even consulting my grandmother. My grandfather was Bipolar I and an alcoholic and just kind of crazy beyond that. My grandmother went down to the local store in Akron, OH to buy bagels and they did not even know what a bagel was. If she were still here I would take her on a trip to New York City with my mother. I miss my grandmother. Of course, I miss my crazy ass grandfather too. He was always good to me but I miss my grandmother more. When I would stop in at the Cleveland headquarters I would always stop and stay with my grandmother. We would drink a lot of Port and tell stories and laugh all night long. My grandfather eventually blew up that Sales Manager job. It always amazes me that AA was founded in Akron and my grandfather never crossed paths. Maybe he was too proud of an athiest. He is dead too so I will never know. My grandfather turned out to be a real burden on my grandmother and mother. He never got sober. His Bipolar I remained untreated as far as I know. I don't want to follow that legacy. I don't want to blow up jobs or be a burden on anyone.

Stroggoz   New Zealand. Jul 31 2023 08:54. Posts 5211

  On July 29 2023 03:11 RiKD wrote:
I'm back baby! I don't feel like scrolling through Twitter or X LOL! HAHAHA! What is Elon doing with his life? What are any of us doing with our lives?

The arrogance of Elon...

It's hard for software engineers to know whether to laugh or cry. Day 1 he asks them to print out lines of code for a "code review". Literally, the dumbest thing a software engineer could hear. Anyone with a few months of experience in coding knows that the goal is to have as few lines of code as possible, and that you cannot make very good judgement off lines of code. You can put years of effort into reducing a program from 100,000 lines of code down to 500. Maybe it wasn't that way back in the 90's at PayPal lol, but I doubt it.

Then he brings in these other bootlicking 10x coder experts like George Hotz, who basically do know quite a lot and are very talented autists, but do not understand and are not familiar with the stack/code base that was built up over 10 years. Elons idea? Rewrite the whole thing. Literally everything. There's actually a recording of that video conference on the internet lol. Most of Elon's bootlickers rage quit after realizing how wrong and useless they were.

It's quite the imperialistic mindset. Just take over a company, don't give a shit about what's been built up, act like you know better than principal software engineers that are there for 8 years, and basically ask everyone to work harder for no pay. Anyone got a criticism of the noble free speech king == you're fired. This is what happens when you take the sledgehammer approach to another culture, institution, or society.

The reality is that short of a miracle, "X" will be dead, and sold out to our sociopathic overlords at the banks within two years, because now that there are not enough people to maintain it, the app will become outdated and buggy and essentially a piece of shit since the people who made it are no longer's very time consuming to learn what other people made.

He would be doing society a favour by killing Twitter, but in reality someone else (probably the lizard king himself) will take over that share of the market. The net achievements of Elon have changed nothing in the long-run, and basically disrupted a lot of people's lives and wasted a ton of money that could be spent on something else.

Zuckerberg is the perfect CEO. He is a psychopathic autistic lizard that bides his time, waiting for the right moment to crush his enemies. I would not bet against him in this war with Elon. He kinda reminds me of the xenomorph from Alien, except a bit more parasitic. There is more acceptance for autists in society these days and it's clear that Zuckerberg tries really hard at being a human.

One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beingsLast edit: 31/07/2023 09:26

RiKD    United States. Aug 01 2023 05:04. Posts 8090

hahaha, great post.

It doesn't solve any of my problems but I appreciate it. I enjoyed reading it for a number of reasons. Mostly it's humor and veracity and for allowing me to peer into a world I wish I knew but probably never will.

In other news, I dragged my ass to an AA meeting. I realized it has been about a year. It turns out my friends there didn't care. They are an accepting bunch. I mean they do care. It's weird that I show up for a while and then disappear for a year on multiple occasions but there was no outward actions besides making fun of the absurdity of it all.

The Pale King is losing a bit of its luster. It's an unfinished work put together by 1 editor. I think I will eventually finish it but I am getting the urge to re-read The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han. It just feels right. The tiredness I have been feeling I need a reminder on this malady.

I talked to a friend today and I told him it was about that time of the day that I realize I have to work tomorrow and that brings a sense of sadness and anxiety. He just said to stop being an idiot and that we have to work and stop wasting his time that he could be enjoying The Witcher. I like this friend because he is always very honest with me.

I talked to another friend that is going through the Bipolar thing. It was a bit off but ok until he started talking about finishing off the Nazis for good. There is a hotel in a midwestern city that the Nazis and CIA agents and everyone convene and he is very well liked down there and is negotiating the end of Nazis. I really feel for him because he said he's so broke he's stealing cigarettes from the stores and he probably lost his job. He's excited to do more graffiti work which he graffiti'd a historic building last time and got into some shit with the law. I am not really sure what to do to be honest. I don't know if he takes his meds and I don't know how receptive he will be to me trying to help. He gets manic and psychotic WAY too often and I think he believes he can control it and eschews medical help.

Stroggoz   New Zealand. Aug 01 2023 10:26. Posts 5211

glad u enjoyed my rant. Truth be told its somewhat entertaining to watch this guys meltdown. Bread and circus

One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings 

RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2023 04:12. Posts 8090

When I read this I read it as you subconsciously enjoying watching my meltdown. I think a fair amount of LP would enjoy that. I've already had some pretty severe meltdowns so my next one wouldn't be all that entertaining (still entertaining for LP or like the 10 people that still view my blog). Actually, I really do not know who still views my blog. I suppose I am less of a freak show. My problems are boring. In 1 week I have reconnected with friends. If I just pay off some credit card debt and move out of my parents house I will be even more normal. Not as normal as some professional living in the suburbs with 2 kids but relatively normal. If I start dating normal women I'll probably become even more normal.

But, yeah, Elon, the guy who always says the most entertaining outcome will happen... The Meltdown would be pretty entertaining. Bread and circus indeed.

RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2023 04:34. Posts 8090

2 kids and a swimming pool. No, not me. I don't ever really consider it. I wish I was stronger with being alone though. Not just rifling through the different slot machine games out there. The atopic Other. That is reallly the only thing to bring me out of my depression. It would probably help with my burnout too. The Tiredness.

RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2023 04:43. Posts 8090

The people who still view LP. Those sick fucks!

I communicate faster and faster because it is better than playing DIablo IV.

RiKD    United States. Aug 02 2023 04:59. Posts 8090

I gotta re-read Agony of Eros, Into the Swarm, The Scent of Time, Capitalism and the Death Drive, Non-Things, Infocracy, Absense... Fuck I gotta just re-read 'em all!

RiKD    United States. Aug 03 2023 00:30. Posts 8090

All efforts to live lead to death. (Byung-Chul Han)

All of it. All these blogs. All these thoughts. All of these ideas and realizations.


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