I have a cat named Pico. He is a little feisty guy. A runt of a litter. 1 of 30 cats and 30 dogs. Little Pico had to fend for his life eating any scraps he could find. The assholes burned the house down. Lucky little Pico was found. Then we found him. He has the most beautiful green eyes. We quickly found out if any food was left out it would be eaten. The only thing he will not eat is grapes and almonds and that is about it.
I was feeling particularly empty today. I slept most of the day and did chores/errands that absolutely had to be done. The only thing of note was starting to learn how to play slide guitar which is pretty fun. I think my problem is I have too much hunger for fulfillment. I am a fulfillment junky. My life is in such a state that fulfillment is not easy or I am expecting fulfillment to be easy when sometimes it is easy but probably most times it is not. Masturbating to pornography is fulfilling in the sense that it is pleasurable especially at orgasm but pornography is rather vulgar. The old saying goes that masturbation is great if you want masturbation but largely lacking if you want something more.
I enjoy the little things in life. I like a good trance. Pink skies. There are plenty of things to like that surprise and are easy. There are plenty of things in life that are difficult yet rewarding. I don't feel that I get much fulfillment at work. It's just a never ending cycle. There is another promotion available at work and that has been stressing me out. It would be a lot of work on the cash register and taking manager calls. I think the register and taking calls are two things I don't want to do.
I look around and try to find things that are looking up in my life but it's hard for me to find them. I could just be a bit depressed. The mind can play tricks. It's like do I really want to do the whole show of showing up to some AA meetings and going out afterwards only to retreat to my room once again? Disappearing from the scene once again. You would think after like 5 years of that I would have figured something out. The only thing I can figure out now is to play the guitar like I don't have another day to live and compose music in whatever place I may be at the time.
There is nothing strong enough to keep me from posting here even in this site's current state. Some would say the atopic Other would be sufficient. I would not really know. It's been so long. There was never any affection or intimacy except for my cat. I can't sleep. That narrows down the things that I feel like doing. I took an expired Ativan because I was having crazy thoughts like getting kidnapped by Nazis. Last time that happened I ended up in the ER and had to pay an exorbitant bill and all they did was give me a bed and some Ativan. Hopefully, never again. Although, I was super manic at that point I feel like I am slightly depressed at this point or just extremely stressed out or both.
I think working on my intimacy issues somehow would be of value. All we really have in this life is other people. I clearly need to get out of my comfort zone and try some things. I'm dating this one woman but I'm not sure if she gets me hard enough. I enjoy her company and that is certainly better than nothing.
What a crazy world we live in and I watch interviews with Ye and Grimes as if they are going to have some solution to Life. That is our modern day philosophers? In the last interview, Ye proclaimed he'd never finished a book in his life and was cheered. What a way to spend some time...
I realized this after the last House Of The Dragon. Elky is a Targaryen.
One of these days I need to tackle Hegel and really do a deep dive on Aristotle. I just don't have the time these days or I'm just too tired. I think Aemond is a bit of a hero studying history and philosophy and swordsmanship all day.
Those were some good days back in the day when I took some time off to just lift weights and develop my base in Kant, Sartre, and Nietzsche. Later, when I spent all my days doing BJJ and sober socializing. If we think about eternal reoccurrence ie our lives just continue infinite times this is kind of a rough patch. My occupation with music is a good thing I think but I have been missing philosophy and physical training of some sort.
The sedation is starting to kick in. That is a good thing. I have to work tomorrow. Sometimes I think about what I could accomplish if I didn't have to work and could go back to being unemployed and training most days and studying philosophy for maybe a few hours and then going out to socialize in some function. Or, just stay inside eat Ativan and listen to Ms. Lauryn Hill. That might work too until it doesn't.
I just want to be surrounded by good spirits and BE or HAVE good spirit(s) myself. Perhaps a girlfriend and then friends to hang out with. Air, water, food, shelter. Sleep.
I just need to surround myself with good spirits,
I just need to surround myself with good spirits,
I just need to surround myself with good spirits, And not Hennessey, Don Julio, and Jack Daniels,
You ever met someone with good spirit? Don't worry they will let you down quick,
But, it's better than spending time with the undead, They lack spirit.
You know the first man who danced was bored of walking,
Let us all dance!
We all just want to be free,
We all just want to be free,
We all just want to be free, But, we don't even know what that means!
Total liberation for all sentient beings! "What does that even mean?"
Fuck I wish I could make music as well as x,y,z,k,lmno,p,q,xx,tt,m... I wish I could sleep...
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EzPzLmnSqz United States. Oct 19 2022 11:00. Posts 549
I am going to write some words again. I think it is good for me in some ways and bad for me in ways. Today was a pretty miserable day at work. We were understaffed as it was and then 2 people called out. But I doubt anyone really gives a shit to be honest. My cat is unwell. But I doubt anyone really gives a shit about that. I don't know what people would give a shit about. That I am lonely and bored? To feel better about themselves? Despite everything I don't want to kill myself but I do want a breather. I think I am ramping up a little bit on the manic side or at least the psychotic side. My thoughts have been crazy. There is no controlling it. There is only denying the validity and moving on. We will see. It's like the psychosis is seeping through but not the mania. Lithium is actually hanging in there for once. I have an appointment with my therapist Monday so I'll see how I am feeling this weekend or if it gets worse I definitely have to call before the appointment.
I'm just chillin' in my room eating Ativan and listening to music:
It's obvious I will never find someone if I spend all my time in my room eating Ativan listening to music. I need to get myself out there. But where? This has been a problem for about 6 years now. I had a very healthy social life in my last city albeit no girlfriend. I'll make a song.
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PuertoRican United States. Oct 22 2022 02:23. Posts 13044
I realized today talking to a friend on the phone that I am frustrated.
I want justice and I don't get it. I am frustrated.
I want fulfillment and I don't get it. I am frustrated.
I want enjoyment and I don't get it. I am frustrated.
I want connection and I don't get it. I am frustrated.
I want intimacy and I don't get it. I am frustrated.
I want sex and I don't get it. I am frustrated.
I want peace and sometimes I get it which is probably why I haven't busted a gasket yet. But with all the stressors in my life at the moment I really am surprised I haven't blown a gasket.
Taking a walk in nature and feeling the breeze and watching the birds worked like a charm today. There are 23 more hours in a day though which is the problem. I just prepped all the food for dinner tonight. That worked... for about 30 minutes.
Maybe I am restless, irritable, and discontent. That is like the classic definition of a dry drunk. I think Socrates said something like "I'd rather be discontent than a content fool." No, I don't want to be the undead. Not quite living and not quite alive. There are too many undead in this world that come in many different flavors. The specific specimen my friend and I discussed was the guy with the perfectly coiffed haircut wearing work clothes like high vis green Carhart winter hats in summer and works at a pharmaceutical company or something like that. At least I have some good friends I can talk to on the phone. Better than nothing.
Better than nothing. That might be my motto right now. Life is better than nothing? It seems like I have a little glimmer of hope. A little light at the end of the tunnel. If I get to the end of the tunnel and it's just more tunnel for too long though I might have to off myself. For now, I have some dates in the future. I have vacation next week which is keeping me alive. I just need some dates to pick up steam and have a little interest in my life. A little Eros in my life. That could do it or perhaps it is nothing. Perhaps it is better to have never been born but I was born and now I am here.
Maybe I'll start taking ketamine and doing float tank sessions. I think that is a bad idea though because I hallucinate in float tanks and it kicks off my psychosis.
It's a spiritual malady! It's a spiritual malady! They say. I'm not really sure how to evoke spiritual experiences and psychic changes on a whim. I'm just stuck in life. I am pretty sure it was Loco that said something like, "Loneliness is an epidemic which is a tragic thing but on one hand it means that people are desperate to connect and that desperation can lead to connection." I get inklings of connection at work. It is there in AA available if I want it but what I really want is a handful of close friends I can trust and a girlfriend outside of AA. Sex is part of that but a small part. I don't know I have had some fun having sex but I've never had a long term relationship so even though I have studied sex quite a bit I am probably not even that great at it. I have been the jaguar from Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac. I really don't think I have it in me to give sponge baths and give like 4-5 orgasms and walk away but it's not outside the realm of possibility. I can't remember who the other guy was. I don't think it is my inclination either to be some Christian Grey master of ceremonies either. Mexie and A Privileged Vegan talked about the way to get good at sex is just be in a long term relationship and explore. That always made sense to me. So, sex is important but obviously a connection and intimacy is important too. I am going to have to leap some hurdles to get over my intimacy issues. When I was drinking I carried a certain confidence with me and became more or less a silver tongue. With out the drink I am more anxious and reserved. Like, I can't really picture myself sexily making out and pushing a woman up against the wall by her wrists and making out until she is wet and picking her up and carrying her to the bed sober but that was me in some seemingly other dimension.
I suppose I am a nice guy but I don't want to be a "nice guy." Kind, sure. Sweet, why not? I don't know man. Fear is my only God. Fear is my only God and I am a slave. I don't know how to get out of it. Alcohol, Ativan, amphetamines.... They could get me out of Fear but I can't do it man. I just can't do it. I take some Cocaine and listen to Firestarter by Prodigy I can do fucking anything or so it seems. But I just can't do it man. I just can't do it. Fear is my master and I don't know what to do.
Pretty amazing saying but if used in the way Jones is using it or the way I am interpreting his usage it's kind of fucked up. The common usage is great though and I'm going to start using it.
United States. Oct 14 2022 05:06. Posts 8533
