It's over in a way unless we adjust

My great uncle used to say that as he got older, "we have to adjust."

Fuck cars, fuck having children, fuck white picket fences. Man, I don't know if we need a fight club. Man, if I had like 10 women over my (parents') home listening to Tribe and eating edibles that would be a good time.

My parents' electrician was a friend of mine from AA. I've been thinking of going back and just not putting up with any bullshit. I have been in "negotiations" with other friends from AA to do stuff and all of them are just like "come to the meeting bro" so I might be giving in. I have had time to reflect on not having any part of AA for 555 or so days and I think the social connection has value. But what I am saying is I might be a little belligerent as I don't believe that I need AA. Basically, I'm not putting up with the bullshit. It will allow me to eke it out and have some fun and maybe inspire me to bigger and brighter things.

Good luck rikd I pray 4 u 2 get better. 333 2 ur 555

I agree with you that its over for you in terms of playing the money game. I don't think anyone here was telling you to do that. The only reason we told you to get a job was because you wanted short term money...you still need money.

Adjusting would be like...teaching English overseas. Thats not really a money play its a life play.

I mean like...if you learned what you could about motorcycle repair and maintenance , saved up what you could to get yourself a used dual sport motorcycle+gear+savings and did a solo trip to Patagonia THAT would be adjusting...not just living at your parents painting and writing on liquidpoker.

No idea why I keep writing tho...

BTW there's no reason you can't do ubereats or Doordash or grubhub within like...a week. You don't even need a nice car for those...

On November 03 2021 07:33 lostaccount wrote: Good luck rikd I pray 4 u 2 get better. 333 2 ur 555

You used to go to AA?

Why did you stop?

(or are you just trolling around again?)

On November 03 2021 08:26 hiems wrote: I agree with you that its over for you in terms of playing the money game. I don't think anyone here was telling you to do that. The only reason we told you to get a job was because you wanted short term money...you still need money. Adjusting would be like...teaching English overseas. Thats not really a money play its a life play. I mean like...if you learned what you could about motorcycle repair and maintenance , saved up what you could to get yourself a used dual sport motorcycle+gear+savings and did a solo trip to Patagonia THAT would be adjusting...not just living at your parents painting and writing on liquidpoker. No idea why I keep writing tho... BTW there's no reason you can't do ubereats or Doordash or grubhub within like...a week. You don't even need a nice car for those...

This is all true except I hate delivering food.

Actually, that is not entirely true. I would love to motorbike through South America but that is going to have a higher risk of me going manic somewhere I don't want to be manic. Not to mention I have like 10 medications and I need to haul around 6 months worth of the stuff? It's similar with teaching English abroad. I have to worry about finding a psychiatrist and also my anti-psychotic (Vraylar) is new and not easy to find. What do I do about health insurance? Of course this bashes into hiems idea of mental illness does not exist but for me that knows that it does and I have been to hell because of it it's just not something I want to risk. I am still adventurous I just need to temper it more than I used to. Obviously, you guys are right to get a job instead of writing on here or worrying about painting or whatever.

I was listening to some Jay Z earlier today he's on a new track:

"We know what hell look like,
Still, it's a hell of a life"

I'm waiting for a helluva life but that is the problem I am waiting.

What does that "Hell of a life" entail anyway?

Mazda Miatas in the spring time with the top off cruisin' to Waffle House for pecan waffles, coffee, and conversation baby.

"When the tops come down the tops come down." – HA! Jay Z

What is the actual level of car or woman that the statement "when the tops come off the tops come off" is true?

Not that that matters for me.

Only way I am seeing breasts "in real life" is if I have exactly 3 good dates with someone and can take her back to somewhere that is not my parent's home.

On November 03 2021 23:35 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On November 03 2021 07:33 lostaccount wrote: Good luck rikd I pray 4 u 2 get better. 333 2 ur 555 You used to go to AA? Why did you stop? (or are you just trolling around again?)

ididnt go aa but i did have a drinking problem before but now i can control it pretty well. i pray 2 god 4 help is how i got better

Control it meaning you can drink with control?

So, your saying you can still drink and have fun?

What prayers did you say?

I was told today that the best advice for me is to believe in myself even if I don't yet. I don't know if it is that I don't believe in myself it's more so I have nothing that I believe in.

As a corollary, everyone that are saying I am not great or I can't do this or that should not be listened to and are just projecting.

On November 04 2021 18:39 RiKD wrote: Control it meaning you can drink with control? So, your saying you can still drink and have fun? What prayers did you say?

yea i have learn to discipline my mind, so when i do drink i dont spiral down anymore. but maybe its best u dont drink at all if u cant control it. i have buddies who help me a lot over come my bad habits.

On November 04 2021 18:42 RiKD wrote: I was told today that the best advice for me is to believe in myself even if I don't yet. I don't know if it is that I don't believe in myself it's more so I have nothing that I believe in. As a corollary, everyone that are saying I am not great or I can't do this or that should not be listened to and are just projecting.

you should write it down n stick it on the wall so u see it everyday. believe in myself i can do anything.

i ask god to please help me with my life and get my life back together so i can be a productive person to society again. i said more but i dont recall everything. thats the jist of it.

Part of me believes in the idea that I haven't found it yet. So, I just have to grind to keep some modicum of stability to my life and hope that it is true that I only have to be right once. Delivering food is too shitty and too depressing to grind. I have to believe in myself, not want to kill myself.

But all these times I am forced to spend money; to keep things going; I can't help but wonder, God, I've got to be making this money somewhere at some point?

1st world countries are ez mode.

1 - work in a trade as assistant whle you learn it
2 - get certified
3 - ???
4 - profit.

On November 05 2021 02:15 Baalim wrote: 1st world countries are ez mode. 1 - work in a trade as assistant whle you learn it 2 - get certified 3 - ??? 4 - profit.

Unfortunately given rikds work history, medical history(being involuntarily checked into wards and stuff) even alot of trades are off limits for rikd probably. Not that it matters those jobs are probably "beneath" him LOL...

Its funny though I know this kid from high-school Roger who is a certified dumbass. He is a AOC loving dumb type obviously. He went to Rutgers the local state University and he's been working as a "support specialist" helping with AV stuff like projectors since he was a fucking sophomore in college. The damn dude is my age (34) and his linkedin has him working the same job for...16? years that is so crazy.

Anyway I once ran into him around town and we went to play some billiards. I suggested him try and become an electrician or something and he looked at me as if it were some death sentence LOL. What a dumb. Meanwhile I recently realized you can lookup his salary since he is a state employee and he made $9145 in 2016 LOL wtf...what an idiot.

He is still holdinng out for a job in his field...he wants to "work in media" or something lol what a joke.

Meanwhile he posts AOC and Bernie type stuff on twitter(which he blocked me from) facebook, and instagram while having like no followers lol... . Other than that he plays video games, collects funkopops and weird stuff like that while living at home. Basically the comic book guy from simpsons.

Just because working a trade is not my dream does not mean I think people who work a trade are below me. I spent some time renovating houses which was ok but I could not see myself specializing in any one thing like that.

On November 07 2021 17:40 RiKD wrote: Just because working a trade is not my dream does not mean I think people who work a trade are below me. I spent some time renovating houses which was ok but I could not see myself specializing in any one thing like that.

DAYUM DIDNT REALIZE WORKING A SALES JOB THAT YOU GOT CAUSE YOUR DADDY IS AN EXEC THERE WAS YOUR DREAMZZZ LOLLLLL WAT A JOKER

I'm not sure what you are trying to say?

I was actually excited to work that job. Better than joining the Army or Navy which was my only other idea. My dad saved me from a pretty shitty position. That probably always comes back to haunt me as he has to continue to save me from shitty positions. I am probably a different person if I go through with being an Officer in the Navy. No real way to tell though. I think my alcoholism and bipolar I still get me at some point.

Now, it seems like my options are kill myself or delivery driver. That is probably too minute of a range or options. I can call my friend and still see if she needs help on a horse farm. 0 chance any military branch takes me at this point. Holy shit. It's crazy how things change. I was in good enough shape to ace any physical test that isn't BUD/S and I aced the standardized test and the recruiters were jizzing their pants. Oh well, no need to dwell on that for too long. Recruiters are pieces of shit from my experience and military is a shitty position to be in for sure.

I just think it helps me to talk about my suicidal ideations instead of letting them keep firing in my brain. I am and I was just fed up with today. That should not be enough to want to kill myself but it's like I am running variance calculators and only seeing the bottom 50% possible outcomes.

On November 09 2021 03:13 RiKD wrote: I was actually excited to work that job. Better than joining the Army or Navy which was my only other idea. My dad saved me from a pretty shitty position. That probably always comes back to haunt me as he has to continue to save me from shitty positions. I am probably a different person if I go through with being an Officer in the Navy. No real way to tell though. I think my alcoholism and bipolar I still get me at some point. Now, it seems like my options are kill myself or delivery driver. That is probably too minute of a range or options. I can call my friend and still see if she needs help on a horse farm. 0 chance any military branch takes me at this point. Holy shit. It's crazy how things change. I was in good enough shape to ace any physical test that isn't BUD/S and I aced the standardized test and the recruiters were jizzing their pants. Oh well, no need to dwell on that for too long. Recruiters are pieces of shit from my experience and military is a shitty position to be in for sure. I just think it helps me to talk about my suicidal ideations instead of letting them keep firing in my brain. I am and I was just fed up with today. That should not be enough to want to kill myself but it's like I am running variance calculators and only seeing the bottom 50% possible outcomes.

There was a swedish guy that posted on here Stygg I think? Anyway he randomly made a blogpost saying he's going to kill himself and he was insta-banned.

It's kind of troubling to me that you keep talking about suicide on here. It makes me concerned and uncomfortable. I wonder how this is going to end. Even though I don't like you, I would be very affected if you did something like that. I think I can speak for alot of people and say it would hit them pretty hard too. I hope you realize that a part of the reason you have gotten so much leeway for this stuff as opposed to some other poster is because there are random people that are concerned for your welfare. For awhile it pissed me off that you get away talking about suicide while that random Swedish guy was banned but at this point it's not really about that.

I don't think casually talking about something like this is socially acceptable. Since when did normalizing such a thing become ok? I'm also kind of pissed off that I've seen Loco link you to some sort of assisted suicide community or guideline. I think that is sort of bullshit, and once again why I think he is a Rasputin type figure in your life.

I am just being honest. People don't talk about death or suicide enough.

Anyways, I don't want to kill myself at this point in time. I actually just updated my resume because a game tester job that I would love is still taking applicants and I actually am qualified for it. I don't think it is a matter of getting that down again if I don't hear anything. The updated resume is sort of a big step for me at this point.

There are moments in life that are ok, better than ok, that branch from peace and joy. Sex, sailing, cinema by Kurosawa. Most of it is drudgery and banalities.

The reason no one has really made an effort to make a better Chrono Trigger is because it is not possible.

And even if it were possible if I was testing it for bugs I am sure it would feel like work. I will assure you it is likely better than delivering food. I just drink like 4 Monsters and listen to happy house music and techno and I don't believe in peeing in bottles on a job like that and the gas station Indian or Pakistani won't let me use the restroom so I piss on their car and then I am behind on deliveries and that is just 1 shift and I have to do the same exact thing 4 more days; it's fucking miserable.

Yep keep posting fancy names you are very high status bro.

Oh and obv there is a difference between talking about death and talking about your suicidal thoughts like you are dumbass.

Anyway I only posted that because u press the nuclear suicide button out of moral responsibility. Gl being a dumbass

People should be allowed to talk about death and suicide. Maybe you are like a classic right winger type from Korean descent I don't really know but S. Korea has some of the highest suicide rates of anywhere in the world. Instead of reading Byung-Chul Han they put advertisements on the bridges: "(Don't kill yourself) Come get some delicious bulgogi and kim chi!"

Most moments I wish I was never born although I rarely think about that. Wishing to never have been born is just a default in most situations. Some moments I think about killing myself. It's really not that big of a deal. Very rarely do I start making a serious plan. It is what it is.

It is crazy to me that you spend so much time on how I shouldn't be doing this or that when for the 1 trillionth time you don't have to come to my blog. In fact, on paper right now you are banned from this blog and have been for weeks yet you found a way to surpass that and continue to give your 2c.

Also, I guess Kurosawa is high brow? I mean my dad watches Fox News and reads Tom Clancy books and loves Seven Samurai. You are just a weird dude. Especially, this knee jerk reaction any time someone mentions something more high brow than whatever garbage you digest. Steven Crowder probably.

On November 09 2021 18:41 RiKD wrote: I am just being honest. People don't talk about death or suicide enough.

Do you find it annoying when people ask how you are and get upset at an honest answer? That's often my experience whenever I've had low points.

On November 09 2021 19:50 hiems wrote: Yep keep posting fancy names you are very high status bro. Oh and obv there is a difference between talking about death and talking about your suicidal thoughts like you are dumbass. Anyway I only posted that because u press the nuclear suicide button out of moral responsibility. Gl being a dumbass

Can you stop bullying people?

Another thing I wanted to say. I actually have read just about all of Byung-Chul Han (in English). Many of the books I have read more than once (although many are more like long essays rather than a book.) From reading Han and others I know a lot about what is causing anxiety and depression. That doesn't mean I can solve the current systems that are causing it. Especially, considering that I am mostly atomized and depressed and anxious myself a lot of the time. And I am not even convinced we can solve a lot of problems currently or in the future. Sometimes I think the best bet is to just run the clock out and try to have some fun but not even in a hedonist machine type of fun but like good books, friends, laughing... It's like a paradox or something. To change things we have to get fucking serious and organized and it would feel good but it may not be fun. Just the fact that my two main choices for employment right now are staring at a screen 40 hrs. a week writing reports for developers or sitting in my car racing around 40 hours a week to drop off fast food like some obesity Santa Claus. It's kind of sickening.

On November 09 2021 21:48 Stroggoz wrote: Show nested quote + On November 09 2021 18:41 RiKD wrote: I am just being honest. People don't talk about death or suicide enough. Do you find it annoying when people ask how you are and get upset at an honest answer? That's often my experience whenever I've had low points.

Yes. I feel like I should put on my best Jack Nicholson impression: "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"

It seems like 99% of people are totally inept in that situation. That could be an exaggeration. I once had a friend with a scar across his neck from a failed suicide attempt. I figured I could be honest with that guy and I was right.

Also, I think people get happy about the thought of christmas. The craving for a good feeling starts early for many maybe even right after the Halloween candy is eaten or thrown away. I don't doubt that it is fun to watch your 5 year old open presents and play with their toys. I am not a total maniac of course that can be fun. The holidays mostly just come by so fast and are gone before I know it and I am left with only more wrinkles and tea stained teeth. My family is more than something to be loved completely but also something to bear with.

On November 09 2021 21:59 Stroggoz wrote: Show nested quote + On November 09 2021 19:50 hiems wrote: Yep keep posting fancy names you are very high status bro. Oh and obv there is a difference between talking about death and talking about your suicidal thoughts like you are dumbass. Anyway I only posted that because u press the nuclear suicide button out of moral responsibility. Gl being a dumbass Can you stop bullying people?

I had to think about this overnight.

I think bullying is a reasonable characterization. I don't think its 100% that simple though, and I don't think its fair to say none of this is Rikd's fault or the mods for letting this shenanigans to keep carrying on. Like I said before this other Swedish dude was insta-banned.

I had to think about the idea of bullying and why someone (or myself in this case) might be interested in doing that. Maybe their own life is shitty so they get something out of bullying the other person. Maybe it is some sort of twisted game selection, preying on weak people to practice or simulate some sort of real world quarrel idk. I think I do enjoy a good verbal spat.

At times I have indeed thought about these things and had to figure out if they apply to me or not...and compare those reasons with the other more reasonable reasons why I think I might be engaging and had to figure out which was it really. Tbh I have no idea. Maybe a little of both sides. Its hard to say, but im in general on edge about it because liberals have a tendency to make you feel bad for things you shouldn't have to feel bad about at all. Looking back on my childhood I have seen this is the case with teachers making you feel bad as a kid about toxic masculinity or whatever or giving you a bad "participation grade" or some stuff like that.

Well, I don't presume to understand why your doing it but I doubt it's hard for you to talk to people normally. Who knows, maybe you'll end up preferring it over constantly putting Rikd down.

You are banned from my blog yet you still post here somehow? How? Why?

You are good at bringing up things that seemingly support your position but there is 0 context. Why was the Swedish dude insta-banned? Most of the mods know me. There is also generally freedom of expression in the Western world as long as I am not inciting violence. I am not persuading people to kill themselves or harm others I am expressing my own struggles with suicidal thoughts.

Ask yourself why your "friends" continually ban you and you still go on and on about myself and bringing up this other guy like the simpsons comic book store guy. It's bizzaro. You need some better hobbies.

I am not even going to start with you on a topic like toxic masculinity. Stroggoz can go there if he hates his life. I know why you are for it but you really shouldn't be as you have 0 traits toxic masculinity smiles on. In my teens I was a toxic maniac and should have died. Same with my 20s. You've probably been turtling your whole life. Unknown to any alpha. Untouched by any loba.

On November 11 2021 03:27 RiKD wrote: You are banned from my blog yet you still post here somehow? How? Why? You are good at bringing up things that seemingly support your position but there is 0 context. Why was the Swedish dude insta-banned? Most of the mods know me. There is also generally freedom of expression in the Western world as long as I am not inciting violence. I am not persuading people to kill themselves or harm others I am expressing my own struggles with suicidal thoughts. Ask yourself why your "friends" continually ban you and you still go on and on about myself and bringing up this other guy like the simpsons comic book store guy. It's bizzaro. You need some better hobbies. I am not even going to start with you on a topic like toxic masculinity. Stroggoz can go there if he hates his life. I know why you are for it but you really shouldn't be as you have 0 traits toxic masculinity smiles on. In my teens I was a toxic maniac and should have died. Same with my 20s. You've probably been turtling your whole life. Unknown to any alpha. Untouched by any loba.

This is alot to respond to. I have a bunch of text copied using "select all" but decided to just leave it at that.

As far as why I respond to you there are many reasons but one reason I want to point out that you are not considering is that I am being a good Samaritan...you are spreading communist propaganda littering and not picking up your dogs poop so I am kind of like a anti-communist superhero in this context.

On November 11 2021 03:21 Stroggoz wrote: Well, I don't presume to understand why your doing it but I doubt it's hard for you to talk to people normally. Who knows, maybe you'll end up preferring it over constantly putting Rikd down.

I think the lack of respect between us is mutual. Also I am not sure about this but I think everyone around him tells him what he wants to hear but that is just an idea I have.

As far as using the word "dumb" goes not sure how different that is from dressing up words and using words like "obtuse". I like the word dumb as a literary technique because I respect common sense, life experience, and wisdom and "dumb" is a commoner's word.