Go Fuck Yourself.

No it's household income so just from regular job whatever that is. New Jersey has the highest household income out of all the states in the US.

*mind you that it's household income so if you have a dual income with the wife that counts. Still, 250k or whatever is a ridiculous number

The following data are the most current income statistics for New Jersey from the US Census Bureau, are in 2019 inflation adjusted dollars and are from the American Community Survey 2019 5-year estimates.

Median Household Income: $82,545.
Average Household Income: $114,691.
Per Capita Income: $42,745.
14.0% of Households in New Jersey are High Income Households that make over $200,000 a year.

I'm still suspicious of that

For example look at this link
https://www.investopedia.com/terms/h/household_income.asp

It claims:

Understanding Household Income
Household income generally is defined as the total gross income before taxes, received within a 12-month period by all members of a household above a specified age (the Census Bureau specifies age 15 and older).1 It includes—but is not limited to—wage, salary, and self-employment earnings; Social Security, pension, and other retirement income; investment income; welfare payments; and income from other sources.

So that is a really broad definition. A home seems to cost easily $400,000 in new jersey so if you and your busto partner sell one, you are immediately skyrocketed to a top household under that definition if i understand correctly

I'm not actually knowledgable on this I just immediately get suspicious because 200k+ of income from a job is a huge number for like 10%+ of people in an area

Also after googling a bit more it seems new jersey has a very hot housing market and people are speculating there a lot... i don't know dude I'm extremely suspicious now...

On July 14 2021 16:44 hiems wrote: Fwiw my job I make 85k before taxes and I still live at home with the parents lol been here for 4 years and in the solid 90% for my age in terms of savings. But the gulf between 90% and 95% or whatever is just so tremendous. I think something crazy like 25% of households in NJ make over 150k idk the number exactly. I think like 12% make over 250k or something. I think close to 45% make over 120k. My salary I am in the median household income lol which means I'm poor. I'm not sure what I spend exactly. I cut my hooker habit during covid so I basically spent nothing for a year. I think the 7/11 dream is misguided. My situation is almost exactly like that sometimes it's wonderful but I'd definitely trade it in for more $$$ and respectability. I'm quite depressed about life.

New Jersey always seemed tough to me in more ways than one. What you describe is exactly the step situation where in NJ let's say someone has $85,000 or even $100,000 and it may not feel that way. Like, when I was in NJ a lot it seemed like there were fucking black BMWs, black Audis, black Porsche Boxters, etc. everywhere but I don't even know if any of those cars are a responsible buy at an income of $85,000/yr pre-taxes. The money and status thing is crazy there versus fucking suburban Ohio or Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Almost 50% making $120k in a household is pretty crazy but you are right. How many are making $600k or $1.2 million? How does someone "stuck" scale up in a sane way? These are not poor people problems but they are still problems as humans are social creatures.

The mill I called on out in NJ was wild. They made shit re-bar and I don't think they were particularly good at it. We lost most of the business there because a Brazilian multi-national offered them a worldwide discount cost per ton deal which there was no way for my company to even begin to offer anything anywhere close to that. After 8 months of bustin' each others balls and getting these guys pizzas from a legit local spot many of the guys were kind of like cold, tough guys up front and at the end they would do anything for me. OK, enough tooting my own horn in a response to hiems I'm just saying the NJ dynamic is very weird to anything I am used to.

I spent a weekend at the Jersey Shore once. I spent all summer in steel mills and I am a very white person. I was very pale going for a run on the beach and then sun burnt and I still remember these pumped up guidos calling me "Pinky." It was kind of de-moralizing but also funny. There was no real way for me to forge a comeback in that situation so I just kept on running but it was like "Welcome to the Jersey Shore."

Have you ever thought of moving hiems?

I think there is a case for this being a "loser" move but personally, I would not want to ever even try scaling up in NJ. Obviously, for me there was maybe nothing more perfect than living in Buenos Aires in 2007, et al. It always seemed like to me that there were a lot of fun Koreans living in Los Angeles. The Korean BBQ is GOOD but honestly I don't like Los Angeles so that would not be an option for me. Today, I seem to like the Southern cities more. Some are getting gentrified too fast and that is not good for the broke people. Midwest is cool too. Chicago is unlivable for me unless I had a serious income or assets. Same for NYC. I do not ever want to live in Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington DC. East Coast is pretty lame including NJ until I get North of Boston. I always forget that you hate me and don't respect me but this is just me attempting to have a conversation with you including my 2 cents.

On July 14 2021 17:00 Jelle wrote: I believe you man I don't think you're a troll. Maybe you can return the favor - why would I lie about how much I used to spend? I was living a life of unimaginable privilige compared to 99.9%+ of every human who ever lived. I even had habitual leaks like spending too much on drinks from vending machines, buying food at convenience stores where it's more expensive, paying fees to withdraw money at a convenient wall etc. And I even lived in a popular area to be close to my work and overpriced boxing gym. I could go sooooo much less if I actually tried I don't think you need to get high returns from the stock market to succeed at all. It's just a discipline game where you build for a while and get to a minimum viable position so you can get your freedom back. I'm not saying work as a security guard until you have a $100k portfolio, you just need to get out of debt and have a small portfolio and then you're already out of emergency land

I don't think you are intentionally lying but budgets are interesting. Most people don't realize how much they spend on stuff (including me). There was a famous thread on 2p2 about living off of x amount of money and a lot of people thought it would be easy then others broke it down and it wouldn't be. It basically boiled down to someone making spaghetti for every meal and going hiking a lot and playing World of Warcraft a lot. Let's say I am walking through a city and I am thirsty. Well, if I am trying to live off of say $1million on 1% return per year from the age of 25 in most cases I actually have to think twice before spending $2+ on a thirst quencher. It really is that absurd.

Well, I mean... People need to get some returns on their money. Inflation + taxes can be 5%. So, people have to figure out how to at least beat 5%. Then, they have to figure out how not to spend 40 and beyond hours a week on an extra 1% , etc etc etc. If a former poker player/gamer says they can beat the market for x% I tend to think it isn't totally true and they are probably exaggerating but if they figured out how to beat poker, and sports betting, and blackjack it's not like the stock market is rocket science. It's actually less bad to have debt if fiat currency is inflating especially if it's an amount on a payment plan with out vig. Everyone should at least do some due diligence on Collapse and Hyperbitcoinization. I think my dad is incredibly lucky to have multiple pensions and 401ks that have probably been at 10+% since the age of 30 but he doesn't really have a clue what he's doing and the past does not always predict future results. I'm not predicting doomsday in 5 years and not a whole lot would matter that much in that scenario anyway besides harm reduction.

My other point is that me as a security guard there was no chance of even getting out of my parents' home into an apartment in a not too gentrified or not too not gentrified part of a city. Where am I finding $100k for a portfolio? That's $2,000 back on my taxes for 50 years and I already said that $2,000 back on my taxes is getting swallowed up immediately just to keep things running. This is when I was more disciplined and cooking up like 10 meals worth of sardegnian soup and eating stale bread and spending all my time in diners with AA friends consuming basically nothing besides maybe an $8 grilled cheese meal and water.

On July 14 2021 19:21 Jelle wrote: I'm still suspicious of that For example look at this link https://www.investopedia.com/terms/h/household_income.asp It claims: Understanding Household Income Household income generally is defined as the total gross income before taxes, received within a 12-month period by all members of a household above a specified age (the Census Bureau specifies age 15 and older).1 It includes—but is not limited to—wage, salary, and self-employment earnings; Social Security, pension, and other retirement income; investment income; welfare payments; and income from other sources. So that is a really broad definition. A home seems to cost easily $400,000 in new jersey so if you and your busto partner sell one, you are immediately skyrocketed to a top household under that definition if i understand correctly I'm not actually knowledgable on this I just immediately get suspicious because 200k+ of income from a job is a huge number for like 10%+ of people in an area Also after googling a bit more it seems new jersey has a very hot housing market and people are speculating there a lot... i don't know dude I'm extremely suspicious now...

Idk I imagine if it did include capital gains, the frequency of that being so low that despite the $$ u make from the sale of a home is alot, it is infrequent enough that it doesn't so drastically change a locality's "state household income" so much.

I.e making $100k from flipping a home is alot but if 1/100 households in the state have sold their homes in a year then it only will change the "average household income in state" by $1000. Realistically most people don't sell their home often enough.

Furthermore the directionality of homes still are positively correlated with other states with lower mean home prices. So let's say in a year nj homes appreciate, generally same will be the case for homes in Florida. So if a Floridian makes 60k on capital gains so that 1000 difference in state household income gets reduced to 400 if that makes sense

Anyway that is my guess only idk for sure.

On July 14 2021 19:52 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On July 14 2021 16:44 hiems wrote: Fwiw my job I make 85k before taxes and I still live at home with the parents lol been here for 4 years and in the solid 90% for my age in terms of savings. But the gulf between 90% and 95% or whatever is just so tremendous. I think something crazy like 25% of households in NJ make over 150k idk the number exactly. I think like 12% make over 250k or something. I think close to 45% make over 120k. My salary I am in the median household income lol which means I'm poor. I'm not sure what I spend exactly. I cut my hooker habit during covid so I basically spent nothing for a year. I think the 7/11 dream is misguided. My situation is almost exactly like that sometimes it's wonderful but I'd definitely trade it in for more $$$ and respectability. I'm quite depressed about life. New Jersey always seemed tough to me in more ways than one. What you describe is exactly the step situation where in NJ let's say someone has $85,000 or even $100,000 and it may not feel that way. Like, when I was in NJ a lot it seemed like there were fucking black BMWs, black Audis, black Porsche Boxters, etc. everywhere but I don't even know if any of those cars are a responsible buy at an income of $85,000/yr pre-taxes. The money and status thing is crazy there versus fucking suburban Ohio or Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Almost 50% making $120k in a household is pretty crazy but you are right. How many are making $600k or $1.2 million? How does someone "stuck" scale up in a sane way? These are not poor people problems but they are still problems as humans are social creatures. The mill I called on out in NJ was wild. They made shit re-bar and I don't think they were particularly good at it. We lost most of the business there because a Brazilian multi-national offered them a worldwide discount cost per ton deal which there was no way for my company to even begin to offer anything anywhere close to that. After 8 months of bustin' each others balls and getting these guys pizzas from a legit local spot many of the guys were kind of like cold, tough guys up front and at the end they would do anything for me. OK, enough tooting my own horn in a response to hiems I'm just saying the NJ dynamic is very weird to anything I am used to. I spent a weekend at the Jersey Shore once. I spent all summer in steel mills and I am a very white person. I was very pale going for a run on the beach and then sun burnt and I still remember these pumped up guidos calling me "Pinky." It was kind of de-moralizing but also funny. There was no real way for me to forge a comeback in that situation so I just kept on running but it was like "Welcome to the Jersey Shore." Have you ever thought of moving hiems? I think there is a case for this being a "loser" move but personally, I would not want to ever even try scaling up in NJ. Obviously, for me there was maybe nothing more perfect than living in Buenos Aires in 2007, et al. It always seemed like to me that there were a lot of fun Koreans living in Los Angeles. The Korean BBQ is GOOD but honestly I don't like Los Angeles so that would not be an option for me. Today, I seem to like the Southern cities more. Some are getting gentrified too fast and that is not good for the broke people. Midwest is cool too. Chicago is unlivable for me unless I had a serious income or assets. Same for NYC. I do not ever want to live in Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington DC. East Coast is pretty lame including NJ until I get North of Boston. I always forget that you hate me and don't respect me but this is just me attempting to have a conversation with you including my 2 cents.

It's not that 85k or 100k "feels" like not alot of money in nj it's that it just straight up is poor lol if you are living here...at least as a male here you need to be making more than that.

Despite this most ppl will live on their own either because they don't understand money or because they are focused on enjoying life or whatever.

I should have bought a house and rented a few rooms out but unfortunately I didn't lol. Other than the my option is to get a cheap room for rent on craigslist and live there but would rather save the money.

I've thought about moving. At some point I eventually have to move obviously. This weekend I used faceapp for the first time and saw the version of myself as an old man and that shit was depressing lol.

I kind of feel like I'm forced into some sort of "starcraft timing attack" portion of my life right now where I'm doing some teching up, getting upgrades, gathering forces to strike when the timing is right lol.

A fantasy of mine is to eventually switch into working in the Maritime industry for like...Maersk or whatever lol making 60-80k a year and travel the world for cheap. Basically you live rent free while you are on the ship kind of like a free cruise. The advantage to doing this would be that instead of a normal work schedule you get to take anywhere from a month to maybe even 6 months of the year off straight without working so Id be able to live wherever.

hmmmm.... yeah.

Hopefully, it does not shake your confidence that I think your post is spot on.

If I were you and had your income and mental health I would just get a dece enough 1 bedroom by an area you would like to hang out in. That would require you to decorate it nice enough so that it is not embarrassing and hopefully feels like a dece domocile. *shrug* Although, it's funny. Everyone talks about getting a dece 1 or 2 bedroom in a good location but no one that I've seen really can quantify how much that is worth to someone's joy.

I'm thinking that if I could have had a 1 bedroom in Wrigleyville (Chicago) that I could have walked anywhere or taken the train/taxi the value would be a lot (not considering the commute which would have been impossible). Now, I don't even think it matters because I am old and do not drink. I would not go to a stranger's place to fuck and I would not bring a stranger to my parents' home either. I'm so old fashioned now it's probably 3 dates before I put out but if my dick was hard my answer would probably be different. I would also fuck with AA women that I know just because those relationships are more open and faster but I still don't go to AA meetings anymore and I am not sure if I ever will.

hiems, if you are playing some game where you are getting your rocks off with good escorts vs. moving out, etc. I am not hating. Everyone has to live authentic lives, blah blah blah and I respect you for living your life how you want. If I had any cash to get a good escort... I know it doesn't make me feel great that she is only having sex with me because I give her money but damn there are some times when masturbation just isn't really going to cut it and a simulation just sounds good. The other night I found some rando JOI that was like crazy good and I was like "damn, that almost made me feel like we almost had sex or at least jerked off to orgasm together..." If there was some setup like in the film H.E.R. I would be very susceptible to that in this current time.

I should clarify though that I do not thinking paying sex workers for sex is ideal. At least for me it set off a feedback loop dopamine pump in the striatum portion of the brain that was textbook addiction. If the thought of fucking Ella gets the gears going and the routines only increase this dopamine pump which increase the dopamine pump which increase the dopamine pump there is really like no way I am not going to have some fun with Ella. The next part never happened to me with sex workers but even if it was not enjoyable and I am still doing it out of compulsion because my brain desires something more that is when it is really a problem. Obviously, there is the potential for sex trafficking and other abuse which is not fun, etc.

@hiems yeah it doesn't matter to the average much, but I think you can get the wrong impression looking at the top couple % that way. I just don't think the top 10% of people are getting 200k$/year from a job even in new jersey

Yea but fwiw it's by household not by person. I think with household it's pretty easy with dual income.

all right fair enough, not sure why im opposing that stat so much

Having the capabilities to torture, maim, and kill without being accountable for it is basically power.

If your "Team" can persuade or whack the other guy that is basically power.

There is no scale up from torture (especially in the sense of an out-sourced Gitmo), maiming, and killing but there can be a scale down which means there is a scale down. I saw it in corporate situations all of the time.

There is more too this obviously but I have to clean my room before solving the world's problems. Shining my light on my corner before shining bright like Sirius is actually very good advice. Jordan Peterson is not completely wrong but then again he starts getting more wrong when he says to put my life in order before thinking about any sort of activism. Who the fuck's life is totally in order at any given time? Not Peterson's............ anyway........ ciao

The ultimate form of power is someone or some people soft persuading others to do things that the others think they are doing out of their own freedom and autonomy.

Ex. Someone working 70 hours a week because they think they can get a bonus and move into an apartment in a better location. Not quite alive and not quite dead there are a lot of questions that should be asked about motivations and desires. The amount that corporate totalitarian rulers extract out of the wage slave force from bottom all the way up to VPs and Presidents is crazy.

All of this can be found in The Burnout Society and What is Power? by Byung-Chul Han. Pretty short essays relative to what is typically found in philosophy and social critique sections. The Burnout Society could be read in one sitting if you get into it. What is Power? took me a little longer to digest everything. I seem to always be stopping by to promote Han's work but it is necessary to understand the world today.

Clearly, do this or we break your knee caps is extremely persuasive but not as persuasive as someone just doing what you want plus more all of the time.

I think most people can wrap their heads around the deaths of Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain. Maybe not but it seems that people freak out over the death of Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, and Kate Spade. It always seems like older people that still have for some reason not faced the fact that humans can end their own lives. I understand all of the suicides. Even Prince. It could still happen that I want some Fentanyl relief and it gets away from me or I plan on killing myself with Fentanyl. It does not seem like a bad way to go to be honest. Lately, I have been more thinking about suicidal tendencies than actual ideations. I always joke about not living past 55. I honestly think the over/under is lower like 49. Even if I decide to get a liver transplant it's not looking good for me. It also seems like as the years go on when I think about suicide I am constantly improving my plan. It is constantly getting honed. I am more in the court of wishing I was never born. There is something kind of beautiful about being so down and out. I literally just don't give a fuck about so much. To the point that I have cut off contact with any GI doctors. I was listening to Bob Marley & The Wailers on my drive to the beach today and it just felt so perfect. I know that is how Bob felt at times even under tremendous pressure and stress. Why should I not just eat better and exercise more and not see a GI doctor?
I'm really going to get a transplant? It is easy to be brave talking about this now. It is much more real to have a doctor say that I will die in 2-5 years if I don't get a transplant. It's easy to push that decision off until it needs to be made. I'm certainly not going to go on record and say because Bob Marley didn't treat his cancer and died that I am going to do the same because "Jah will protect me." Although, there is also some beauty to that philosophy.

It's like I am at the point where there is enough that keeps me in the game that I am ok with blasting myself with some Trazidone, et al. and waking up to see what the next day brings me. I am on more medications than I have ever been on. I have no ideas that alcohol is somehow a better medication. It is not. Sometimes I get ideas that crumbling some good herb in a bowl could help eliminate some of these medications but my psychiatrists don't think so. I can't have any fun anymore. I mean all of this is what the drugs are for except for the fact I can't do drugs anymore. It seems like there are enough exciting things to do instead of drugs but I wonder what happens when that is not the case. I also think I have trained my brain to think about the future more than immediate gratification but that is only true to a point. If I want to drink a Pacifico and smoke a joint on the beach that is now appeal but I have enough conditioning to know it's not worth the risk. Whereas I have at least bad fatty liver disease yet I see Naked Chicken Chalupas at Taco Bell and lose my shit and buy the store out of them. Alcohol brings me compulsive misery, pain, hospitals, jails, death. Taco Bell just seems to bring me happiness but it also brings me death just more slyly and slowly.

It is kind of a sad way to die just gorging oneself on food. But, I think I care so little about myself right now that I don't really care what way I go. Although it's weird because it doesn't feel like my insides and/or soul is rotting in any sort of way. I think going for a walk on the beach like Stone Cold Steve Austin or Michael Jordan game 6 is a little ridiculous. Trying to pick up women at the beach is pretty pathetic. I watched some video recently of a pick up master bragging about how he's had 5,000 makeouts.... ROFL. It was brutally cringe.

It now might be time for me to slam my 3 or 4 sleep, depression, anxiety medicines. This is what it has come too. Hopefully, I can wake up tomorrow and the day will be ok. I'm not even sure if any of my credit cards work anymore. I've been eating bread, eggs, and bananas.

Are you at some level reasoning that since you're planning to potentially choose to end your own life, you may as well get a crapton of credit cards and have a party going into insane debt before you check out? Have you thought about how this affects the people borrowing to you or your family/friends?

Since you were good at poker, you must've had the experience where you're on massive tilt, have crossed your pain threshold, and you are just lighting money on fire nonstop because further losses don't register anymore anyway? Then when you 'wake up' from your tilt, you deeply regret your actions? I think that's the situation you are in right now, and I am trying to be the stop-loss.

I have 2 credit cards. One has a limit. The other "doesn't have a limit" yet it clearly does. I would not be able to get any more credit at this point from credit cards. I even posted this here earlier that there is no version of a Visa card that would accept my application and not only would I get denied by going on record with my financial situation would only end up hurting my credit which used to be very good.

I could maybe rack up $15,000 of debt on a "going away" party but that is silly. I like parties but I don't like parties. I'm not going to trash my parents' place because they still enjoy life. And, actually, I couldn't probably rack up that much. Both credit card companies are texting and calling me about how my accounts need attention. I am being watched closely at this point.

I mean that's all I really want from people at this point:

- What do I do with the credit card debt?

My plan is to pay what I can and hopefully still slip small transactions through. Sometimes I need to eat. Sometimes my car needs gas. I have been trying to hole up here in the house and eat bread, eggs, and bananas but that is a bleak life. Doing something stupid even though my mental health is not all there for even just $100/day seems more reasonable than starving myself and playing Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild to pass the time. Both are pretty terrible lives but the ladder is just stupid. Well, they are both stupid. The real downside to the ladder is that trying to force myself to play TLOZ:BOTW for 10 hours a day just seems ridiculous while like standing around in retail for 8 hours is also ridiculous at least I could maybe fill up my gas tank and eat something...... What a fucking bleak existence.... I could busk for monies downtown but I am not sure if that is allowed and while my voice is probably good enough I am not good enough at the guitar yet.

- Should I attempt to extract my 401k monies and pay a 10% penalty + taxes?

Jelle, you may have mentioned the right thing to do earlier and get on reddit and see what comes of that.

On July 16 2021 15:54 Jelle wrote: Since you were good at poker, you must've had the experience where you're on massive tilt, have crossed your pain threshold, and you are just lighting money on fire nonstop because further losses don't register anymore anyway? Then when you 'wake up' from your tilt, you deeply regret your actions? I think that's the situation you are in right now, and I am trying to be the stop-loss.

Looking back on my poker career life tilt was more influential than tilt at the tables and in a lot of ways it was part of the reason I didn't play as many hands as others. I remember I had like $12,000 and was very comfortable at 2/4. I made $14,000 and then I was extremely comfortable at 2/4. Any loss less than $14,000 just seemed like nothing to me. I remember later I had like $75k online and was playing 3/6. I lost $9,000 in a day and that wasn't even really much tilt. Yeah, it felt a little gross but it really didn't. But, I remember trying to be a reg at 5/10 and I would lose a quick $4,000 and that pissed me off more. I remember the first time I lost $10,000 FAST at higher stakes I actually didn't care. It felt like I was paying my dues. That quick bath in the blood allowed me to start having $25,000+ winning days. Life tilt and PLO-tilt can be a wicked combo though. I don't think there is anything anyone could have done. I have respect for anyone that can play 2/4 and 25/50 at the same skill level. I actually pulled it off for a while and came back from the dead but doing stupid things with bankroll has a risk of ruin of 100% on a long enough timeline. It is kind of a similar situation. I had tons of friends and/or business people that wanted a piece of my action but I always thought I would never do that and I did never do that. Edges can be hard to judge on the fly. Losing $50,000 in a 25/50 game can be kind of jarring but it does not matter if someone has another $50,000 and the discipline to grind. If every game looks juicy no matter what it could be true which it more or less was true when I was playing in those PLO games. Even if durrrr, omgclayaiken, patrik antonius, harrington10, and guy are in the game it's like "oh, cool, guy is in the game, maybe I can learn something with out losing a university education to Stanford value of money." But, PLO is a little different than Hold 'em. There is a lot I could write here.

I will just say I don't like taking money from anyone. My parents are the easiest but it still sucks. No one is getting a ROI. If they give me money it is a gift that I will try to pay back and a gift that I will hopefully always remember and respect. Or... I guess I would take any loan if it was less % apr than my credit cards.

I was thinking about thinking today. I don't get good walks in as far as contemplation for a while now. It seemed ok as things starting blooming in spring and full blooms in summer but now it is just hot and way too many people. In January the only other zoids on the beach were birds and I love birds. Now, it is, ooof, watch the tide, watch that kid, oh shit watch that frisbee, oh shit, oh shit, wow, that is a large inflatable pink flamingo raft, damn, that is a nice ass, that is like an ass of Venus... it seems people like larger asses now, is it because we are all fatter down here? Fried chicken, sweet tea, foodie ice cream, many people drink too much alcohol down here. Fried chicken, beer, and foodie ice cream is a trifecta of fattiness. It is true that a certain body fat % range exists for esthétique..... and on and on and on....... Median attractive woman is actually extremely attractive down here. That is disregarding women over 55 and overly fat women and whatever else. It's sad but I do disregard them. Whatever. I start thinking too much about woman and attractive women and it's just silly. Monica Bellucci is almost 55 but am I really going to date Monica Bellucci? That's almost 20 years difference. When she is 65 I will be 47...... I think it works a little better for Lisa Bonet who is 53 and she can pick up a hunk like Jason Momoa who is 41. That is still pretty crazy but I guess it just works sometimes.

THE MAIN POINT I was thinking about is that I would have a lot of Nietzsche days, good days, in January or whenever. It's not still lakes, breezey trees, and giant, young mountains of the Swiss Alps but an empty beach in January is the shit. There are technically 2 more months of the summer and it feels like it's too much.

It's a race against the Trazidone. I think I will read a book. P E A C E

I had a dream last night that I was on this fun cruise. I hate cruises and will never go on one but waiting in line there were a lot of attractive women, fun looking people, etc. So, the young'ish people are at this killer rave and I am enjoying it until I get kidnapped. They tell the people on the cruise that I am depraved and now them torturing me is the entertainment. So, this guy is sexually assaulting me and basically water boarding me (simulated drowning) and the worst part is that everyone is loving it. The even worse part is I can hear all of their thoughts. My parents are too concerned with drinking and conversation to even notice. The only person who cares is my sister who is horrified. He forces me to let him cum in my mouth and hold it twice. Then we are in water so everyone can see the cum drift out of my mouth and into the water. He says the next time I am the punching bag and it will be really fun. It felt like I was trapped in some really fucked up Gaspar Noé film which I literally was since this shit was vivid. Then I woke up and saw the sun coming through the blinds and was happy to have arrived at a new consciousness. I made some coffee, had a regular shit, texted some people, and made some grits. I am now less likely to go on a cruise.

si knows of the simulation's signals....

i thought that i was the only I