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RiKD    United States. Oct 15 2019 02:12. Posts 5728
I have a bad cold and it sucks. I slept most of the day today and my AC is bust. I just had a bomb ass pho though and I am feeling a bit better. I was the only customer in the Vietnamese place nearby until an attractive Asian around my age came in as well and ordered the same thing as me. So, we were both sat in the empty restaurant eating our pho. I feel like that is a spot if any to make a play. I didn't though. I just got completely immersed in my pho, emptied the bowl, said thanks to the staff and left. I caught her checking me out as I walked by. I'll never see her at the bars. I'll never see her anywhere except for maybe at that restaurant. I am not social. I don't go anywhere consistently to socialize. I am a social animal though. It's tough.

I haven't really felt like doing anything but you gotta pass the time no? I bit a decent chunk out of Mark Fisher's blog posts. Fucking awesome. I slogged through some Baudrillard. I am thinking about quitting that book. He is some parts brilliant but other parts repetitive yet all over the place. Not completely incomprehensible but definitely a dense read. I like just having Mark Fisher's blogs around to jump in and devour them at will similar to having Infinite Jest around although they serve different purposes. Besides those two which I will have around and read and re-read I am currently lacking that book that I am really excited about reading. All the stuff on my bookshelf and all the stuff in my Goodreads hasn't really been calling my name either. Byung-Chul Han has a new book but I haven't even read "What is Power?" yet. "Political Philosophy of Post-Structural Anarchism" by Todd May may be the one.

I wish I wanted to paint. Not yet. I feel crummy. Crummy that I don't want to read textbooks right now or paint or do much of anything. Maybe I'll watch ContraPoints latest installment. Ruhhharrrggghhh. That's how I feel.

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Santafairy   Korea (South). Oct 15 2019 04:02. Posts 1571

one day we will all get sick and never get better

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

RiKD    United States. Oct 15 2019 18:33. Posts 5728

Let that marinate a bit...

Oooph, existence can be rough.


RiKD    United States. Oct 16 2019 04:40. Posts 5728

"One day we will all get sick and never get better"

Is this the point at which suicide is perceivable?

As a sober alcoholic am I at least calling for the morphine at this point?

Bring on the morphine! More morphine! Bring it all! All of it!

I think the fact that one day we will likely get sick and never get better is a sobering fact. A wake up call. A lot of times when I go on walks I think of how Nietzsche would go on walks and think of things like the eternal reoccurrence and then I naturally think about would I be happy to live my life over as I have lived it? It also forces me to think of the future because even if I am ok with the eternal reoccurrence today will I be in 20 years? If I don't start dating now when will I ever get around to that?

I jerked off to Gabbie Carter today for example but who I actually connect with on a date or who will be a supportive girlfriend could really come from anywhere. So, I have been keeping an open mind on Tinder. It could be anyone...

----------------------------------------


The word communism has too much baggage. I don't know if there is a way around it at this point. However, most of us want a better future. That is the most important thing. There have to be alternative(s) to capitalism or else there is no future. What an even sadder life I lead to be of about the right age to see it all crumble down. Let's be honest, life has it's happy moments but existence is sad and tragic. Capital doesn't give a shit about me. I guess it's just a matter of people and dignity. Doing the right thing even though I may be in hell. We can still have a certain dignity. We can still exhibit certain narrative values of meaning. They can't take away the fact that I have read "Being and Nothingness" by Sartre or whatever I have read that brought me bliss and wisdom. Maybe that's all I have right now is my solitary pursuits but at least it is something. The pain is not too great to kill myself and heroine is no medicine. We have to medicate this pain of existence with something else. I still search and I still search. Nothing seems to work all of the time. Nothing is possible all of the time. I think of somebody to call.... It is too late. I think of somebody to help.... I can not think of a possibility. I feel too crummy to paint. Van Gogh understands what I am going through. I actually have a lot in common with Van Gogh. I wonder if I will shoot myself in the chest in 2 years like he did at age 37. I have always wondered if there is a way out for me. There is no way out. But, at least, I thought maybe there is a way out of suicide. I'll just keep putting it off ya know? Not now. Not yet. And I can go sometimes some time without thinking about suicide but it always comes back. Capitalist realism. Suicide is similar to capitalist realism in that it can be assumed there are no alternatives but in reality there are. In reality I can take most of the pain of this existence now. Tomorrow, I will go to work and turn into the pizza puzzle solver robot that they love me to be. It won't be so bad. I need friends.... Again it comes back to that. I am lonely. Many times bored. Actually, not all that bored. My therapist says I have a gift for reading which is weird because I don't think of it that way. And I look to people like Joseph Campbell and Edgar Morin as truly having a gift for reading. Also, LP's own Loco (well, LP's own on semi-sabbatical). I think it's just because my therapist does not like to read. She looks at me like I look at Morin perhaps. I don't know.

That's another thing. I am spending way too much money on this psychiatry/psychotherapy stuff. There is no way out of that either. Don't do it and stop taking my meds and likely end up in a psych ward or do take part in all of the suggested work and go deeper and deeper into medical debt. My employer's healthcare is a joke especially for "behavioral health." It's fucking mental health you pieces of shit! I had to negotiate another payment plan today in fact. I may be better off quitting my job and going on government care. That actually covers (most of) my mental health care and prescriptions.

I think when I'm lonely I listen to more Stimming. Actually I go into a Berlin mode where I just listen to a bunch of Berlin artists. I'll probably start reading Byung-Chul Han and taking German classes again. I remember I had dream that I would study philosophy under Byung-Chul Han in Berlin. Studying philosophy under Todd May at Clemson University is more realistic. Fuck it. I'll just start racking up student debt as well.

I'm a millennial after all.

I am getting tired (and feeling kind of crummy). Not sure what else I have to write. So, I will retire for now.


drone666   Brasil. Oct 16 2019 10:28. Posts 1728

check your testosterone levels

Dont listen to anything I say 

RiKD    United States. Oct 17 2019 04:20. Posts 5728

Why? If it's low you want me to go on TRT?


drone666   Brasil. Oct 17 2019 09:50. Posts 1728

because you are kinda soft
maybe would be the explanation to a lot of things

Dont listen to anything I say 

RiKD    United States. Oct 18 2019 05:03. Posts 5728

Are you challenging my masculinity on the internet!?!?!?

It's possible I have low testosterone but I don't think so. I would guess it's normal for my age. I am not going to take testosterone boosters and I am not going on TRT at 35. I'm not a pro MMA fighter.

There are viewpoints on life that are valid besides your widely machismo influenced one. And even if I was "kinda soft" by your definition that doesn't mean I should or can "man up," "pull myself up by my bootstraps," or start fucking around with testosterone drugs.


RiKD    United States. Oct 19 2019 21:09. Posts 5728


Loco   Canada. Oct 20 2019 01:41. Posts 20012

RiKD

+



+



=

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 20/10/2019 01:42

RiKD    United States. Oct 20 2019 02:19. Posts 5728

I'm guessing you tried to link a pic of a testosterone injection?

I wear normal sized boxer briefs fwiw.

I think drone is arguing that I am already a sad clown and that testosterone would make that better. I really don't know enough about testosterone to comment. I know my level is probably different to when I was 16-28 but that is a natural thing. I am much more wise than when I was 16-28. Unless I start lifting weights, doing BJJ again and listening to JRE and TRT will start calling my name again. Or not.


Loco   Canada. Oct 20 2019 02:39. Posts 20012

point that he misses is that the sad clown lives in a society. his place in that society makes him sad. whether that influences testosterone levels to some significant degree or not is secondary if not meaningless. the cause isn't the symptom. trying to tackle symptoms can only do so much; just like Joker's attempts at keeping a positive mindset.

Joker movie has been basically made for people with his worldview to become a bit more aware.

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable.Last edit: 20/10/2019 02:44

RiKD    United States. Oct 20 2019 03:16. Posts 5728

Hmmmm....

You've motivated me to check out the last showing of Joker nearby.


drone666   Brasil. Oct 20 2019 05:22. Posts 1728


  On October 18 2019 04:03 RiKD wrote:
Are you challenging my masculinity on the internet!?!?!?

It's possible I have low testosterone but I don't think so. I would guess it's normal for my age. I am not going to take testosterone boosters and I am not going on TRT at 35. I'm not a pro MMA fighter.

There are viewpoints on life that are valid besides your widely machismo influenced one. And even if I was "kinda soft" by your definition that doesn't mean I should or can "man up," "pull myself up by my bootstraps," or start fucking around with testosterone drugs.



this almost seems like a troll post
you are completely uneducated about any subject you touched with this post

Dont listen to anything I say 

RiKD    United States. Oct 20 2019 06:40. Posts 5728

Oh, please enlighten me Mr. GOD of the Universe.


RiKD    United States. Oct 20 2019 06:55. Posts 5728

I really enjoyed the Joker movie. I have more to say but I should probably get some sleep. But one takeaway is just to be kind to people. Which I don't think I'm being kind to drone666 in the post above mine but I am not perfect. I am just a human being. Human after all.

Tupac talked about how the poor are going to rise up and eat the rich. I like that. Literally, eat the rich. And he said it would have to be spearheaded by the 16-29 yr olds. Probably, because anyone else has low testosterone. Guys like Noam Chomsky, Bernie Sanders, Byung-Chul Han, Cornell West. They are washed up nobodies with low testosterone.


drone666   Brasil. Oct 20 2019 07:38. Posts 1728

Since my first post i feel like I hit a nerve, now I'm sure lol

Dont listen to anything I say 

Santafairy   Korea (South). Oct 20 2019 17:18. Posts 1571

>lol look at this low test fag so soft
>omg so uneducated about test
>lol looks like i struck a nerve

what was the point to all this? we already know you're one of the top 2 most intelligent drones on this site, you don't have to try to impress anyone

It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen 

drone666   Brasil. Oct 21 2019 04:56. Posts 1728


  On October 20 2019 16:18 Santafairy wrote:
>lol look at this low test fag so soft
>omg so uneducated about test
>lol looks like i struck a nerve

what was the point to all this? we already know you're one of the top 2 most intelligent drones on this site, you don't have to try to impress anyone



the point of checking testosterone was clear, he's soft and seems like he likes this role of victim so people give him attention for being miserable
having low test can generate a lot of this type of behaviour

the second post was a proper answer to a completely retarded ignorant post from him, I never mentioned TRT and he has no idea about any hormonal disorder, the effects and how to treat it, he deserves a temp ban for that post, it almost gave me cancer reading it

the third was to point out that something about what I said seemed to have triggered this aggressive reaction from him ( maybe he was trying to prove his test levels are ok ), which is a good opportunity for him to investigate WHY he got so triggered, and then find something useful about himself

+ Show Spoiler +

Dont listen to anything I sayLast edit: 21/10/2019 04:59

Loco   Canada. Oct 21 2019 07:52. Posts 20012

Spoiler alert:

drone dies at the end of Joker.

Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible, will make a violent revolution inevitable. 

 
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