RiKD   United States. Jul 12 2019 01:02. Posts 5728
The akathisia continues. I've called my Doctor now twice and left 2 messages. I am almost looking to forward to going to work. I am pretty active there making pizzas and the akathisia doesn't bother me unless I am standing around. I want to start pacing or marching. The bad thing about work is I have been getting anxiety about it. Just worrying about every little detail. There is also the fact that they schedule me to do two peoples' jobs. There is also the fact that sometimes I don't feel like making pizzas. I can't always be expected to be really into the craft and making pizzas with passion and care, can I? I am free to starve though. Great.
Why do I still write these up on here? Do I need to be heard in some regard? Do I value the comments? I am surely looking for sympathy or suggestions or whatever I can get. But, does that lead to anything? My akathisia is too the point that I don't even want to go out and socialize because it is uncomfortable to sit there. I can't watch movies. That 50 min. militant anarchist video was incredibly difficult to get through. I did because I was interesting in the topic but I had to break it up into parts. I have mostly been sleeping as much as possible and then filling in the gaps as best that I can. I can look at it 2 ways. 1 way is that I am living a more Taoist way and doing nothing but the other way is that surely there is more to life to just sleeping a lot and filling in the gaps. My friend told me to stop torturing myself. I wish my Doctor would call me back. I am a dog sitting on a nail. Whining and whimpering. I still haven't bought more canvases or more paint. That would be something worthwhile. But, honestly, I think they are closed now and wouldn't want to drive out there anyway. So, I write. I write on here. In this moment it feels a little sad. More than a little sad. This is the best I can think of? This is the best I can come up with? Where's my creativity? Where's my living spirit?
RiKD   United States. Jul 12 2019 02:05. Posts 5728
Well, at least I have more paint and canvases now.
RiKD   United States. Jul 12 2019 03:57. Posts 5728
I paint weird shit. At least there is no Akathisia when I paint. Far from it. I am in movement. I am high. At least my creativity gets to soar.
But, sometimes I wish to paint something like this:
Christ of the Incas
Oil on canvas
Acrylic and oilstick on canvas
But, the thing is their styles are distinctive to them. I don't actually want to paint their style I want to paint my own style but I enjoy their style. I just want to paint my style but with more technique and skill but if I learn too much technique do I lose my style? If I could paint either of these paintings I would have the technique to paint mostly what I would want to paint. I want to paint a jaguar with emerald green eyes. I'm just not good enough and I am not sure how to get better with out paying thousands of dollars on lessons. Bob Ross videos do help and I thoroughly enjoy them. What an awesome guy. Bob Ross was winning at life. I need to figure out a way to win at life (again?). I say again because it felt like I was winning at life for most of the poker days. I don't need to go back to that though. I more or less know what I need to do it's just tough for me.
Raidern   Brasil. Jul 12 2019 04:43. Posts 4227
when is it that you have symptoms of akathisia? is it all the time when you are not focused on something you enjoy?
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RiKD   United States. Jul 12 2019 04:51. Posts 5728
Typically, if I am sitting or standing still. The worst is probably when I am sitting eating out somewhere before the food comes. Like, now when I am sitting still I am writing and that seems to alleviate it. Just like when I am at the dinner table and I am actually eating food it doesn't bother me but then waiting around for the check it might. Tonight, I sat with my parents in some chairs after dinner and I was crossing and re-crossing my legs and finally just got up and walked around. At work when I am making pizzas it doesn't bother me but if I were to be just standing around I would want to pace or march.
Raidern   Brasil. Jul 12 2019 04:56. Posts 4227
does it have a cure? how does treatment work? medicine to alleviate symptoms only? is there a way to get fully rid of it? that's fucked up. When you say that it doesn't bother you, it doesn't in a way that you forget entirely about it until it kicks in again? Or it's there you just don't pay attention to it?
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RiKD   United States. Jul 12 2019 16:13. Posts 5728
It is caused by the anti-psychotic drug I am taking Abilify. So, a cure would be to stop taking that. I am not a psychiatrist though. There may be other drugs to counteract the effects. I don't know. I don't really know about your other questions. If I am moving it doesn't bother me. Even if I am just typing it doesn't bother me.
don't you meditate? what happens when you meditate with akathisia?
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RiKD   United States. Jul 13 2019 04:01. Posts 5728
On July 12 2019 23:34 Loco wrote:
two weeks til I see 'em
Nice. Although that music video was not really what I wanted to see at this time of night. I liked that mask though.
RiKD   United States. Jul 13 2019 04:10. Posts 5728
On July 13 2019 01:38 Baalim wrote:
don't you meditate? what happens when you meditate with akathisia?
I don't really meditate anymore. I did try out an online Refuge Recovery meeting which will be a Dharma Recovery meeting in the future. That detail is only interesting for people who follow Refuge Recovery and the Noah Levine drama. Anyways, I was in my computer chair so not my meditation chair and meditation was just not happening. I got up and started doing other stuff about 1 min. into the meditation. I don't think it would be too big of a deal if I was as practiced as I used to be at about 2+ hours/day but that would still be some serious practice. Going to a meditation retreat with akathisia would be mental. Although, walking meditation might actually become easier because that is the new standard. To move and to pace and to march.
I watched a ThoughtSlime video that was kind of difficult. I read some of Kafka's "The Trial." Really wild story.
Now, I am listening to Tash Sultana and griping about how difficult the guitar is. I would paint but I don't know what to paint ... fuck it... maybe I do. It's better than trying to figure out what to write. I'll just write on existence. Fucking blip man. A pretty meaningful blip for you and I it would appear. Or, we hope.
Sometimes there are some tough patches. That's what the blues are for.
I wish everyone on LP the best. This life is difficult. I think I am going to do this painting though.
RiKD   United States. Jul 15 2019 02:55. Posts 5728
So, we are born against our wills and that is?
Once we are here we suffer. That is a given. Is it enough to warrant suicide? I think it's a case by case basis but suicide is inherently bad. I don't know how to judge when suicide becomes ok. I really don't. When is suicide ok?
Even though life is a struggle at this point I don't feel like suicide. That is a good thing. I'm still in the game. A very rigged game but I'm in the game nonetheless.
There is a guy who has very bad Tourette syndrome that has been coming down to the store with his family perhaps for immersion therapy and I feel bad for him. We are in this together my brother.
We are all in this together. Never forget that.
I'm hopeless at the guitar. I bought it on a whim and thought I would be playing like John Mayer but I sit here fumbling through tuning it and playing chords and I just want to set it on fire and smash it or give it to some kid who would have more use with it than me.
I need some friends or some more hobbies pronto.
RiKD   United States. Jul 15 2019 04:25. Posts 5728
Damn, this akathisia is a bear tonight, or I am just not ready for sleep.
I want to make some of these blogs more constructive. I mean I am stuck. I can't sleep, I can't sit through a movie, I don't feel like reading, so I just write on here. ...
I'm free to starve. I don't like the fact that my employer is giving me more and more shifts where I work by myself on a 2 person job. If I start talking about unions I likely get fired. This is a bind of the new master/wage slave relationships. The new nature of coercion. I'm free to starve.
RiKD   United States. Jul 15 2019 04:33. Posts 5728
I've already halved the anti-psychotic. I'm asking for suggestions. What would you guys do with akathisia?
Are you taking Abilify? That would definitely be the cause of akathisia. I would stop that asap and get on a different antipsychotic. Doctors are either slow to notice this stuff, don't believe you, or don't even understand it exists.
just playing live poker for fun
RiKD   United States. Jul 16 2019 20:41. Posts 5728
Yes. I am taking Abilify. I've recently gone from 15mg to 7.5mg and will probably drop that more when I can. As my Doctor said, "15mg isn't an insignificant amount so we can't stop cold turkey." We had been monitoring it for some time but a friend put it into perspective that I don't need to continue torturing myself. My Doc, besides taking a while to get back to me the last time is very much on the ball.
Walks or light jogging do help for some time but they don't seem to nullify it into the future.