Reflections

This painting above my computer will outlive me. Not if I smash it on the ground. Any tough times at work will pass. They have passed for now. I am at home relatively peaceful and at ease typing on the computer. Yesterday, I was really excited to try a new Indian restaurant. They had 5 dishes that were at least vegetarian and were vegan if no butter or milk was added to the curry. I was delighted. I may have even enjoyed the seeds of anise following the meal the most. That's not true it was the soup and the potato curry that I enjoyed the most. Guess what? That experience is nothing but a memory and I shat all of it out this morning.

The tree frogs that make noise when I meditate only live for 2 years. How many of the 8 billion people alive today will be alive in 100 years?

There is no such thing as a stable job, a stable girlfriend, a stable living situation.

No feeling one can acquire through substances, idealized social gatherings, or sex can last. These 3 in particular are wildly ephemeral.

That feeling of the new car will dwindle. It will accrue miles and lose its luster.

Those jeans that were fashionable last year are so last year. It's time to buy the new pants in style in 3 different colors. You may have to buy some new shirts and shoes so that the outfit will work. Hey, we are just trying to get into cool parties with cool people so we can get laid by attractive women.

Who is the most twisted up? Probably the professional with kids. They are just riding the wave. Of course, someone like Lindsay Lohan got pretty twisted up. LA is a brutal place. A sordid place. A pretty horrible place.

Impermanence and death. There is no escape. This too shall pass.

I write faster and faster in an urge to escape death. Oddly enough I was most at peace meditating directly on death. My current teacher the spirit of Patrul Rinpoche advised that I reflect on impermanence and death and since it was thunder storming out this is the way I figured it would work. It really is a powerful sentiment if one can accept impermanence and death.

I meditated every day for 3 months with the headspace app, didn't notice any significant changes, stopped doing it.

That's a bummer dude.

"In the conference session on emotions, Richard Davidson, a neuroscientist at the University of Wisconsin, detailed some pilot research described in Daniel Goleman’s 2003 book Destructive Emotions. Davidson has used fMRI and electroencephalography (EEG) to image the brains of six monks, including conference panelist Matthieu Ricard, during and outside of meditation. When Davidson asked the monks to induce a state of compassion in themselves, they showed a much greater shift toward left frontal brain activity than subjects untrained in meditation.

Of course, the monk lifestyle isn’t for everyone. So a recently published study on the effects of short meditation sessions with novice practitioners is perhaps of greater relevance to the rest of us. As reported in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, Davidson and Jon Kabat-Zinn, a medical professor at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, conducted a small controlled study of “mindfulness meditation” training for employees of a small biotech firm. Four months after an eight-week meditation course, the researchers found that emotional and immune system benefits persisted-with just 15-minute meditation sessions only two or three times a week."

- MIT Technology Review, Curt Newton, February 1, 2004

May you all be happy, may you all be free from dissatisfaction, may you be at peace.

The last woman I was enamored with showed up in my loving-kindness meditation today. It kind of took me aback. Funnily, enough she has the same name as the Buddhist god of desire. I never desired a woman like I desired her. It led to much dissatisfaction. I remember the first real conversation I ever had with her. We were smoking on her porch and contemplating life, our travels, and our alcoholism. Oh well... life goes on.

I had a dream last night with a lot of people from my past showing up. I think all of them were people I was fond of. Mara made a surprise appearance but after that I was taking a shower outdoors and the 2nd girl I ever kissed came by naked and kind of seductively asked me to help her set up a bath. She was beautiful with a lovely feminine voice and big, submissive eyes. I remember thinking what should I do? I am celibate but I am getting an erection. Then I woke up.

I am looking for ways to be of service. I can be of service to the corporation I work for. They are not so bad. I can be of service to the people that want to eat food there. But, the real way is to do something good and not get paid for it or even recognition. Looking around at non-profits in my city I am not that happy. The best that I can manage at this point is be there for people in Refuge Recovery and share my experience if it is wanted.

I started watching some porn again. I had a self-renewal account at a pay site and I forgot about it so I feel like I am "wasting" it by not watching. It feels a little extra "naughty" watching it having renounced all of that. At the same time it gets pretty boring pretty quickly.

As can be seen here I wrote a blog and I keep writing. I don't know if I ever renounced blog writing but I should. I just have all this energy that I want to put somewhere but currently no avenues for it so it ends up as a blog post or whatever.

May I be happy, may I be free from dissatisfaction, may I be at peace.

At times I am free from dissatisfaction and at peace when I am writing a blog post or any post but then what? Then I cling and I grasp at that feeling. I may just have to meditate 3+ hours a day.

What do paid porn sites offer that isn't abundantly free elsewhere? I haven't watched actual porn in a long time but I remember YouPorn having so many categories, it seemed really extensive to me.

It was a seduction. They offered less pornographic porn. Not as hyper-real as hyper-real.

Is anyone on here actually Buddhist? Does anyone on here have any interest in Buddhism? I am really unsure why I am typing this here other than the fact that it is still a habit.

Buddhism (The Dharma) is contradictory to worldly living or even ordinary living which I would assume most are striving for here. I need to be more inline with poverty. Lacking in excitement or distraction. Solitary living out in the mountains. But, what would I eat? Would I brush my teeth? It would be living as an ascetic to a degree but not to the degree of the Buddha before he reached enlightenment. The Buddha was eating one grain of rice a day and sleeping on nails in order to achieve enlightenment until one day a woman offered him some rice pudding, the Buddha accepted and finally nourished he meditated under a tree until he reached enlightenment.

I think there needs to be a gentleness regarding the practice but there also needs to be a determination. I don't know for sure. I just meditate and practice the Dharma and reflect. My mind is getting stronger at mindfulness and concentration and I am learning each day.

But, how to get over this craving for stability, for security, for peace, for just let me relax a second, et al? That inner turmoil. There is the inner turmoil and there is the dissatisfaction and there is this urge to stay busy. It's why I am writing this blog right now. I should have just meditated some more.

I have a car so I can go to work,
I go to work so I can have a car,

I would love to just nix those 2 but then we are back to worrying about food, shelter, and health/health insurance. I don't think there is a psychiatrist, php, or CVS pharmacy in the mountains.

Eh, whatever, it is all learning and practice.

Buddhists believe in karma and reincarnation, it's another inherently irrational religion to me. I don't see the value in living out in the wilderness, it deprives yourself of social contact with people, and it doesn't help anyone-except maybe yourself in some way? But it seems quite bad for you physically and mentally. Perhaps practising acestism would be useful given your status-driven needs that you sometimes have.

Meditation has zero effect on me, i tried it once...i don't understand it. Perhaps it only works for a certain type of brain.

It is kind of fun to believe in karma and reincarnation. In a Greek mythology kind of way. It makes for good stories. But, do I believe that my great uncle is a fly dining on the pizzas that I make at work? Not really. I still don't harm those flies nor did I harm the cockroach on the inside of the pan I was going to use to make garlic oil. I just threw him/her in the trash and got another pan. I noticed the cockroach crawled back out of the trash can but if someone else wants to kill it they can. It is the same for the wasp that was buzzing around the house and the same for the mosquito that landed on my forehead while I was reading last night. I have been to a few of the hells already to know that hell exists. Maybe not exactly like the 18 hells of Buddhism in writing. There are Buddhist teachers today that do not have beliefs. Buddhism without beliefs does exist.

Patrul Rinpoche makes a great case for living a solitary life in the mountains. As far as serious practice goes there is no better place to be. It's kind of like the example of a doctor. Should this guy go around holding doors open for people for 4 years or should he go to school for 10 to learn how to treat people? I suppose he could do both.... I don't remember all of the reasoning Patrul Rinpoche expressed and I don't feel like going back and searching for it. There is value for solitary living in the mountains. But, it might not even matter with my mental illnesses. I could see it being a great thing for my anxiety. I could see my bipolar being rather benign especially if I woke as the sun came up everyday (but I wouldn't have an alarm clock but I wouldn't have screens and there would be nothing to do at night). It's really just a fantasy I suppose. Loco, pointed out in a PM that homelessness/joblessness is just a fantasy of mine due to my desire to not work. That is true. It is debatable if homeslessness/joblessness would in fact put me in a better spot. There isn't exactly a mountain with a cave by a village that I could beg for food nearby. I would be sleeping under the bridge begging for food on "Main Street." I don't even know the legality of that. I kind of like brushing my teeth, showers, and having more than a couple pieces of clothing in that setting. Where would I meditate? Would the libraries accept some smelly, grizzly guy reading any Buddhist materials they carried? Would my friends want to have tea with that same smelly, grizzly guy? It's weird to renounce everything and still be stuck in a city center. So, much more natural to be in nature. I wouldn't even need clothes except to throw something on to beg for food.

As far as helping people. In hermitage I would not be harming anyone. It would be a practice in helping people eventually.

I don't see how it would be bad for my physically. I would be meditating, eating plants, going for walks, doing chores (preparing fires, collecting food if possible). I would be active all day and away from screens. My cave would be cold and dark for sleeping.

Mentally is the wildcard. In some respects I think anxiety would drift away. The issue would be my bipolar. In some respects I like to think that I have it under control but my past has kind of shown that it has the potential to rear its head not necessarily at random but it's not exactly predictable. A lot of meditation for me has the potential to jumpstart my mania. If I went off my meds, wasn't sleeping, and was meditating for 12 hours a day it might only be a matter of time before the mania kicks in and eventually the psychosis. Maybe not though. I am willing to experiment. The problem is there would be no drugs or help or psych ward nearby to get me back on track.

I have been kind of over the whole status thing lately. The people I am currently learning from are monks/hermits. Asceticism is the wrong path. We can learn this from the Buddha. Although it is misleading because definitions can vary. The Buddha found himself in a circle of ascetics who practiced to the point of inflicting pain. Where as most monks can be defined as ascetic if we are talking about abstaining from sensual pleasures. I don't have sex, I don't masturbate, I don't eat desserts, I don't eat fried food (unless fried oysters is the only thing on the menu), etc. This is just based on some guidelines for myself that I have learned about myself. It's not like I won't go bodysurfing on the beach at dawn or out to dinner at a "foodie" restaurant occasionally or have some tea at a "hip" coffee shop. I am still learning.

Yuttadhamo Bhikku explained that meditation is kind of like putting oil in your car. Also, we go places that we don't always get to go or explore. I have found that it has improved my clarity, concentration, and focus. Trying meditation I was just completely lost in my thoughts and had no idea what I was doing. It takes a lot of time and practice. I quoted some studies earlier in this blog. I mean you get to examine reality and truth. If you can identify the times you are thinking, going into storytime, dreaming, fantasizing, getting angry, getting happy, liking, disliking and just coming back to focusing on experience: body experience, feeling (sensations), thinking, etc. So, a classic one is just focusing on the rise and fall of the belly when breathing. Some days it's like I can focus on that for 30 min. no problem but inevitably some thoughts creep in. If I can label the thought "thinking" or watch it arise and dissipate. Sometimes maybe my back is tight: "tightness," "pain," whatever. We have to label honestly. Maybe I am angry that I am sitting here and there are distractions. This is the time to explore that anger. Not when you are at the poker tables clicking buttons fast and furiously. It is basically how we diminish or understand negative emotions better (negative thoughts/emotions). If I want something or have a fantasy in meditation I can label that and be aware of that and then get back to the breath and it is like "oh, what a stupid thought..... breath..... wow, that was no big deal...... breath...... breath..... breath....." and life just kind of moves on instead of ruminating on a thought, memory, fantasy, emotion. It's where we can learn about ourselves and the nature of reality in a non-harming space. There are some sessions where I am so twisted up that I sit down and just want to quit immediately but I breathe through it. It doesn't matter how much thinking there is or even lost thought. It's all learning. It's all practice.

There's a free Harvard course on Buddhism currently happening on edx.

https://courses.edx.org/courses/course-v1:HarvardX+HDS3221.3x+1T2018a/course/

I have a crush on Devin Zuckerman already........... Maybe she will teach me how to deal with distractions and sexual desire.

If you don't already have clear instructions for that then you shouldn't be practicing abstinence. It'll just throw you into a state of repressing your sexuality and lead you to poor decisions and then guilt over those decisions.

Like banging some single mom sex addict under not so great circumstances only out of brief sexual attraction and seeking liberation? I've already been there and done that.........

I think abstinence frames things in a different (good) perspective. That and being in the Dharma desires diminish. It certainly simplifies life. I have never been one to handle sexual relationships very well. I get too attached or it's akin to an escalated version of eating junk food (or doing drugs). I don't know. It's not that I don't get attracted to women or that I don't have libido pangs it's just that I let them pass. I use that energy elsewhere. Perhaps my sexuality is getting repressed but it doesn't feel like it. Although I got a very sexual hug the other day and it made me a little crazy and yes, perhaps, felt like I was repressing.

And she's fluent in Sanskrit, Tibetan, and Indo - Tibetan Buddhism????

Come on man.

I studied Buddhism and meditation literally all day yesterday (and all day today so far). I feel like I need a break but there is nothing to break to. I am realizing how much of a layperson I really am. I am attached to food, caffeine, sleep, naps, music, sex with women, masturbating, flirting with women and I am not very far along the meditation path. Some times I can sit for 30 min and find this blissful state. MEDITATION IS NOT A DRUG HOWEVER, it is a medicine. It won't always be pleasant. So, when I sit and I am getting "anger, anger," "dislike, dislike," "discontent, discontent," "dissatisfied, dissatisfied," "distracted, distracted" and I am wondering how much time left I have it's not a good experience even though I should treat it with gentleness and friendliness.

I was going out to get a Thai spicy red curry yesterday for lunch and the place was closed. So, the closest place is this seafood restaurant. Of course, they bring out (bad) hush puppies but I still devour them all. I set a guideline not to eat fried food as the caloric denseness of anything fried fucks with my brain but once I dip my toes into the water it's all-in. Fried oysters and french fries. So, unbelievably mediocre to boot. Luckily, all I had to eat at home for dinner was some sweet potato, green beans, and a banana with almond butter but what I really wanted was a basket full of fried clams, way more french fries, and some ice cream. Most places use vegetable oil in their friers which is good. Most places also most definitely fry all their meats in the same frier. I am unsure how I feel about this. I am not allergic to meat I just don't eat it (apart from bivalves). I don't think I have a problem with this practice.