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RiKD    United States. Jan 01 2018 18:24. Posts 5117
Happy New Year everyone!

It feels pretty good. I was just comfortable and relaxed in my bed all morning. I am not hungover. I didn't leave the house yesterday except for to buy pizza and then decided I would begrudgingly go to a detox and speak to some drunks and drug addicts. My sponsor called this morning and asked what my plan was. I have just really been into cryptocurrencies recently. I may also look to transfer to another restaurant. I was in an Uber and the driver worked at this French bistro which sounded awesome. It is owned by 2 Culinary Institute of America graduates and I love French cooking. Hell, I still consider driving Uber again.

I need to buy some cereal. It sucks when it is just one thing but the grocery store is less than 5 min. away.

One thing I wanted to mention was that I am tinkering around with Steemit. If anyone is on there let's follow each other. I think I am going to have to change my blogging style there for sure. If you haven't been able to tell I kind of just like typing away with whatever is on my mind on here where as there it seems everyone is obsessed about value. I don't know. The site said it was wise to just comment on stuff but I haven't really had any of the trending or hot topics pique my interest.

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RiKD    United States. Jan 01 2018 18:25. Posts 5117

What are other people's "plans"?

I am not a big fan of resolutions. We already should of had plans.

RiKD    United States. Jan 01 2018 19:52. Posts 5117

What am I doing?

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

My Chrome keeps freezing but I am going to soldier on. I think this is a really important question posed by Socrates. To be honest, I don't know what I am doing. I am existing. I am living. I am conscious. I get hungry. I get horny. I get thirsty. I like having a roof over my head. A comfortable bed with comfortable sheets. I am looking for the meanings that transcend they here and now. Right now I am writing on Liquid Poker. Filling in the white space is better than just staring at white space. It is better than staring at the Monet above my computer. It is better than staring at the hyper real ass and breast of the pornography world. Love has to be a meaning. I am seeking that women with the certain symmetry that pleases me, a mind that stimulates me, and a soul that nourishes me. I don't know if I like that last one. The idea of a soul can get a little to spiritual/religious for me. What I mean is an essence that enraptures and captures me. "Captures me" is a tough one. I am still slightly under the spell of some women. I wish I wasn't but it doesn't really matter because I may never see them again. I can be toyed with by the memory of what was or more so the deception of what could have been.

What am I doing?

I am trying to invest in the future. Invest in myself. Philosophy and cryptocurrency seems to be my areas of interest. I can deny it but I want to get out of this prep cook job. We all want out. Everyone in the restaurant wants out but we don't have outs or won't take the outs for whatever reason. It has allowed me to save some money. Not at the rate I would like of course. The rate is never exactly how we would like of course. I remember I was making over a $1/hand at $2/4-$10/20 PLO but wanted $5/hand at $25/50. I lost my mind over that goal and lost it all. A question that is ringing in my head is what is enough? I have been beaten out of my grandiosity but it still lurks. The tendency for excess. I don't want to subscribe to the Christian meekness either. I should be striving for excellence. I have but one life to live. Unfortunately I don't have full autonomy. I am haunted by my determinism. Actually, who knows I may be gifted by my determinism but the point is I just don't know how much free will I have. It seems I have enough to live a free enough life. I can invent the human being I want to be with out masks. I am free to wander and play with the meanings that may transcend the here and now. Helping alcoholics and drugs addicts and homeless people has been a worthwhile project. Taking care of my pets. Art and creation without object.

I will die and that scares me. It is a day like today that existence kind of hits me. I have zero appointments until 6:30pm. That is either freeing or terrifying. There is that nagging that I want to make the best of my days off, I want to be "productive," "efficient," "not waste any time." Why not just slow down a little bit? I wish to go to Paris and have a 4 hour lunch. Stroll to L'Orangerie for an hour or 2. Just walk the streets. It is probably too cold for that now but in my dream it is Spring as the flowers are blossoming.

What am I doing?

I am living because I don't know what else to do. Suicide is bad and unneeded at this point. Human connection and community is very important to me. I have to leave the house sometimes even when I don't want to. Even if it is to go to these Christian overtone meetups. I should not focus harshly on the differences but rather the similarities. We were all lost drunks and drug addicts at one point just looking to get some help. I have a desire to not drink so I can be a member regardless if I agree with all the dogma or not. Maybe that is what I should be doing in 2018. Branching out to other areas for friends and community.

PuertoRican   United States. Jan 02 2018 02:01. Posts 11275

  On January 01 2018 17:25 RiKD wrote:
What are other people's "plans"?

I am not a big fan of resolutions. We already should of had plans.

I just completed an English teaching credential program a couple weeks ago. It's what you complete after you get a bachelors degree, and is what you need in America to teach secondary education (high school) full-time.

Between now and late-March, I will take a CPR class and a basic technology class (both are 1-day each). After I get the results from those two things, I will combine them with other official forms and mail them to a credential office, and then they mail it to the state I live in. I can't do shit as far as teaching full-time in a high school until I send those forms in and receive my teaching credential.

Between now and August (high school starts in August, and ends in May), I will teach part-time and substitute teach whenever/wherever I can, and hope to get a full-time job at a nearby high school teaching English.

Rekrul is a newb 

RiKD    United States. Jan 02 2018 03:20. Posts 5117

Nice. Teaching English to high schoolers probably gets frustrating at times but not a bad way to spend the days.

iop   Sweden. Jan 02 2018 17:45. Posts 4944

happy new years man!

On the cereal topic, i just bought cinnamon toast crunch (i'm in the US, it doesn't exist back home) and i haven't eaten it since i was a kid.

Milkman lol i didnt spend half a thousand on a phone so i could play it cool and be all stealthLast edit: 02/01/2018 17:46

RiKD    United States. Jan 03 2018 00:33. Posts 5117

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is great. I almost got it the other night but wanted less sugar and more fiber. I usually eat breakfast at around 8:15am and don't eat lunch until 3pm so I like to get something a little more substantial in my belly but man on a day off I would go crazy for some cinnamon toast crunch.

hiems   United States. Jan 03 2018 00:48. Posts 1495

Ya new years resolution are stupid. I do have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on what is likely a meniscus tear that I have been living with for around 5 years. Just happened so that timing wise it makes sense to get it treated at the start of the year.

RiKD    United States. Jan 03 2018 15:09. Posts 5117

Break a leg....


good luck.

I had what was thought to be a tear turn out to be what was thought to be a contusion. It led me to just stay in all day and play poker. I think I was at .10/.25. By new year I was at 1/2. It was basically play poker, sometimes go to class, sometimes do the exercises they gave me or do the elliptical for 45 min. Whatever it was took forever to get better as I was just sitting all day. I remember the first time I tried to play basketball again it was like "WHAT IS THIS?!?"

Good to hear it is getting taken care of.

RiKD    United States. Jan 03 2018 15:12. Posts 5117

Work was cancelled today due to weather and all the bridges are going to be closed so I am holed up all day. Shit better get poppin' on here. That is my hope. Just be able to have some cool discussions. I think I may be disappointed. I don't know if I have anything to start. I liked that Socrates topic of what are you doing? No, really, what are you doing? Seriously, What Are You DOING? Doing with your life, your existence? Why?

devon06atX   Canada. Jan 03 2018 22:21. Posts 5392

You think a lot.

And you have little to no action.

You can have the best ideas in the world, but if you're too fucking lazy to throw in a resume, then fuck it.

Seriously. Your blogs are depressing as fuck. People continually give you advice, then you throw their thoughts to the wind. After a nice response of course. This is most likely a waste of fucking time typing as well. I think you simply like to hear yourself speak/write. If it's a coping/whatever mechanism, then forgive me man.

You're clearly a smart guy who's capable of much more, but you continue to fuck the dog.

Hope you get better.

RiKD    United States. Jan 04 2018 15:11. Posts 5117

There is an Alexander the Great story about how he came across a destitute, old man who sat huddled on the side of the road thinking. Alexander exclaimed that if he were not himself he would rather be that man. I am not claiming I would rather be that man but what is wrong with thinking?

I don't know. I am snowed in right now (Charleston does not have any snow plows or salt). I spent pretty much all day yesterday watching lectures, reading, discussing topics on Skype acquiring knowledge and wisdom. I took actions to acquire crypto, I reached out to friends. Just because I did not put in a resume the day is nil?

I hear what you are saying. There are a lot of kernels of truth in your post. What if I am content with the job I have currently? My savings are going up. My lifestyle does not feel all that much constrained. I am free to hang out with friends at night or contemplate philosophy and other projects.

I don't think I throw people's advice to the wind. I think in most cases it is noted. My goal is not to be identified by my wage or occupation. If some people think I am a depressing poor well ok. I am a bit poor but am not particularly proud or a ashamed of that. I think I probably do like to hear myself write. I have said this many times but there is something about filling up the white space with words that transcends the here and now. It could also be a coping/whatever mechanism. My shift was called off today due to weather so I would rather be writing than staring at white space. I realize that is not the only option. I can watch lectures, I can read, I can discuss topics on Skype but there is a comfort to LP that I enjoy. I know of most of the posters. I am familiar with the format.


producing or able to produce large amounts of goods, crops, or other commodities.

I don't really give a shit about producing large amounts of goods, crops or other commodities. I will or I am more or less forced to do so in order to not live under the bridge but that is a means to an end and I am not happy about it. I wish to live in Kant's Kingdom of Ends where all of my actions are an end in itself.

I am not doing nothing. I don't play video games, I only watch maybe a few shows of tv, and only occasionally watch a great film here and there anymore. I think a life of earning a "respectable" wage at some bourgeois multinational, sitting in an hour of traffic both ways, taking care of the large house, and then watching netflix all night is less desirable than what I am currently doing. I don't drink remember. There is no happy hour for me. Could I improve my position? Sure. This is where you are the most right. I am not taking action in the job aspect of my life but that does not mean I am doing nothing or am not productive outside of the means to an end production. Learning philosophy is an end itself. Writing for me is an end in itself. That is probably not entirely true but my point is just because I have not increased my wage or status does not mean I am doing nothing.

devon06atX   Canada. Jan 05 2018 17:25. Posts 5392

I had been drinking. Sorry for the tone - shit excuse, but true.

I do feel for ya tho in all honesty. I wish you the best. How to dig yourself out of a hole though, is different for different people.

By 'nothing' I mean, you just seem unhappy. You are getting into philosophy and literature, clearly, which is all well and good, but I don't think it's improving your 'lot' as much simpler things would. If you know what I mean.

Again, I apologize for my earlier post. Happy New Year Man!

RiKD    United States. Jan 06 2018 02:47. Posts 5117

I know what you mean. Primarily why am I still at this job? I have gotten pretty decent at it. My checking account continues to increase. I am pretty comfortable. There is the threat of my life becoming overly boring and banal and despair creeping in. I have felt it a bit with the bad weather. Sometimes I don't really feel like watching another lecture although if it is stimulating and I can acquire some wisdom I think that is part of some worthwhile project.

There is a pharmacist or probably a pharmacist tech that seems to always get my medications that is quite lovely. She is probably too young and this example goes to show how much contact I am having with attractive women these days but the point is that sometimes when talking with an attractive woman I will get a pang like I am not good enough. I am firmly trying to live a more minimalist life and not taking part in seeking out empty projects in materialism but I still get that pang from time to time. The pang of I'm not good enough, I'm not funny enough (I'm broke so I have to be funny at least)... at least I am tall... but I live with my parents...

I have kind of lost some interest in one of my worthwhile projects. I am really quite apathetic about helping the suffering alcoholic or rather how it is worded in the book "carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers." Fuck it. No one cares about my AA ramblings I don't think. If there is a suffering alcoholic in front of me I would love to talk to them but driving to detoxes and meetings and all this shit in this shit weather I just can't be bothered. Even if that is where my friends are at the moment.

I still think my biggest problem is with human connection and community. Having some sort of network of people. Having lunch and just hanging out, having a deep discussion, or just cutting up. I am looking for ways to escape the banal but I think there are parts of life that are just unavoidable. I have to roll out of bed, take the dog out, feed the dog, brush my teeth, floss my teeth, use mouthwash, take a shower, put on my boxer briefs, put on deodorant, put on my jeans, shirt, socks, shoes, make coffee, take my medicine, make breakfast, eat breakfast, etc etc etc. I am almost like a robot when performing these tasks and it is similar at work so I badly need some worthwhile projects or things to live a little bit or I will not be content. There is a chance I can be content if I focus on gratitude, acceptance, life on life's terms but that still won't mean the despair won't creep in. I'd rather mix it up in real life than have to watch an apocalypse movie or tv show or whatever.

Moving to the day shift was great but I have to figure out what to do with that time. Meeting people was great but then I spent some time to myself and enjoyed that but I think what I realize is that I might not enjoy the people as much as I thought.... Is everyone just settling? We find some people who are ok and then we just sort of settle. No. I think it is more so I just have not connected with my people yet. Some people yes but I am not quite there yet. I mean it took me like 3 years in Pittsburgh why would I have lucked into this after 6 months here? But, I have also found sometimes I just like spending time with myself reading and watching lectures and studying bitcoin, etc. That's how I always have been.

I wish people would call me out on bullshit more. The thing is there is not one ultimate truth. People have their "truths" and I have my "truths." But, if I could have people call me out on my "truths" that are deception I would be one grateful guy. For example, maybe studying philosophy, doing all this reading, watching lectures, and attempting to have discussions on certain things is a real worthwhile project. An end in itself. Or, maybe, I should be devoting all my attention in seeking for this new job. See here is the thing though. Spending time thinking about what I wanted to do was going in circles. I can't just apply to jobs. The range is so wide. I don't really want a lower wage because I am ok with what I am doing now. I don't know how many higher wage jobs I want. I don't really want to go back to a multi-national corporation. The only thing that has made sense to me recently is going to a better restaurant, with better mentors, and a more inspiring menu but that also means the expectations will be higher. I don't even really want to speculate what else I could do because I have been in this spot for almost 4 years. I am in a mode where I am happy to not be unemployed and let's just leave it at that for now.

I don't know if money is really holding me back at this point. I really should start going on some dates just to see what would happen. To spice life up a bit. Here is a case where I have been writing about it for a long time and I have not taken action. The reason I have not is because it is outside of my comfort zone. Love is of course a worthwhile project and I really should get back into the mix. I don't want to go back and forth and back and forth all day so I will just leave it at that.

"Despair is the sickness unto death" - Soren Kierkegard

I think the way in which I live my life there will always be despair creeping closely. It is funny because the fear of death is around too. In despair I want to die but cannot. Probably due to my fear of death. I like a nice circadian rhythm but I don't really want the boring and the banal. I like having money to do stuff but likely wouldn't show up once at the job if I had 2 months paid vacation. Help me. Call me out. Tell me what you do that is so great? We can be honest too and talk about what isn't great. I wouldn't say I am unhappy. Sometimes I am happy. I am often happy when I am caffeinated up listening to the music that piques my interest at that time, I laugh at Rick Roderick lectures, I get into these zones studying bitcoin that are unmatched. It is like when I used to play poker. I went to dinner with my parents tonight and it was quite nice. I enjoy taking care of my goofball pets. So, I wouldn't say I am happy either but I get moments. I don't want to say that I am just being or existing either although that's basically what I am doing. I am wandering, I am seeking out the worthwhile projects, I am engaging in some worthwhile projects. The 2 I always go back to are helping the suffering alcoholic and taking care of my pets. Corey Anton talks about small projects. It doesn't have to be completing some sculpture the size of a house or even building your own house but I agree that small worthwhile projects do add up. Art without object is a great concept. It really can be boiled down to helping someone or something or creating something. Helping and creating. Locally and globally. De-centralized, borderless, open. Earth citizenship. Let's turn the surveillance around. Anyways. I agree with Sartre and Castro that being a revolutionary is one of the most worthwhile projects achievable.

Loco   Canada. Jan 06 2018 11:41. Posts 19392

You've been "called out on your bullshit" (not that I like this expression) enough already. There's no sense in banging you over the head with more criticism. Your biggest problem is that you just can't let go and you compulsively narrativize things in your life. In French we say "lâcher prise". You try to hold everything with a strong grip and you ruminate on things forever because you are too afraid to either let go or take action. It's like Lee Thayer said, most people prefer the problem that they have to a solution that they just don't like.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

Loco   Canada. Jan 06 2018 12:01. Posts 19392

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken) 

Stroggoz   New Zealand. Jan 06 2018 12:09. Posts 4110

yeah, the narration of every day life is the most tilting thing about this blog, because why would anyone assume that other people care about that? There is nothing interesting about your day to day life, to other people.

Also, the insanely idiotic sentences like: "the thing is there is not one ultimate truth. People have their "truths" and I have my "truths." But, if I could have people call me out on my "truths" that are deception I would be one grateful guy." You come across as extremely pretentious to me when you write things like this, i mean do you even logic? It's about the most anti-philosophy statement you could say as well.

and to top it off your getting into crypto. I don't know much about it myself and havn't invested, but it seems extremely unwise to get into it to me without some serious study, most economists think crypto currencies are either a bubble or an extremely obvious bubble, yet they are uncertain, it's difficult to tell.

I was GTO in 2007 -wobbly_au 

RiKD    United States. Jan 06 2018 22:20. Posts 5117

Narration of every day life is in order to make you feel the banality of it all. The despair. The sickness unto death. It should make you bored or uncomfortable. Not all of the time but some of the time. Sometimes I am just not letting go of something or I am letting go of it on here. I suppose it is a coping mechanism.

Pretentious gets thrown around a lot. I was not trying to impress anyone with that sentence. It is just what came to mind at the time.

2+2=4 is a truth

Myself staying at the same job and not putting in resumes but instead studying philosophy and helping people and making friends as a priority as what I should be doing is subjective. I could say that is my truth but it may be an illusion.

Much of philosophy is subjective. I got into a little bit of analytical philosophy in university and that is for the birds. I believe in compatibilism. That is my "truth." There is no way that I can prove it in a way that I can prove that force = mass x acceleration. It may be a deception to think that we have any free will but I don't so. I am also convinced that it is in our best interests to act as if we are free.

I have been studying crypto seriously. Most economists are retarded.

RiKD    United States. Jan 07 2018 16:45. Posts 5117

A lot of my blog posts are trending towards awful narratives. There is content in there but I am not sure how enjoyable it is to read. I do have questions though.

How does one deal with the pang that one is not good enough? Is it just a matter of getting competent in endeavors that people value? Becoming more useful? Does spirituality have to play a role? Is it self knowledge? Self acceptance?

Is becoming a revolutionary the most worthwhile project? Is it more than just tweeting and going on protests? How to we reverse the relationship between having money and getting elected? It isn't truly representative democracy? Really there are too many projects. We need more Wikileaks. I had a wise fellow once tell me to shine my light on my corner before worrying about the world. Jay Z which I am reticent to quote but I am going to once said something like with all the money I have sent to charities I didn't spend my time so I didn't give a dime. Ohhhhhh Kaaaaayyyy, I just quoted Jay Z I think I am done.

Loco   Canada. Jan 07 2018 19:58. Posts 19392

The pang is there to tell you that you are not doing the things that you know you should be doing. The pang isn't there when you are engaging in worthwhile activities. Ever notice that? At worst you'll be mildly bothered that you aren't good enough to do something you would really like to do but you'll find satisfaction in the fact that you are currently trying to improve and that's the only thing under your control.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (Mencken)Last edit: 07/01/2018 20:00


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