Suicide + Grand Opening + Desire Fulfillment

Another night of great sleep, another bagel and cream cheese, another coffee, and another Monster Energy Drink has me feeling good again. Seems to be a pretty reliable recipe. I have a day off. Two days of in fact. It feels pretty good but what to do with the time. I haven't planned anything special. I went after balling dough last night with a particular focus and fervor that led to quite good results. Much better than my first forays into that delicate art. I probably picked basil for 3 hours. What is this madness. The employer distributes tips amongst all employees so I am actually making pretty decent money all things considered. Decent money all things considered meaning closer to a living wage than minimum wage. That's crazy. To think I was making three figures an hour back in the poker days. There was a time when I was first crushing PLO and no one knew how to play that I was damn near $1,000/hr. I have to be doing something wrong. I have to be underutilizing my talents. Even the first job I got outside of poker I was making $25/hr. Of course, I crashed that job as a bipolar alcoholic but I am well medicated, managed, and no longer drink. I guess when I realized I am not the best fit for sales or multinational corporations what is one to do?

This is my life. I am responsible for it. I am the sum of my actions. Regardless if there is past programming and conditioning at play it is most likely that there is free will in this world. No god and determinism with free will. That means I am here on this earth in this universe and only have fellow earthlings to help me. That's what it is going to take too. That's what it always is going to take. If I want a better job I have to find someone that likes me for the job. If I want to date I have to find the women that like me for whatever reason. If I want sex I have to find the women that likes me and wants sex. If I want friends I have to find people that like me and want to hang out. It is really pretty simple but in some cases like the job and the dating and the sex it is really about allowing them to find me. I think in all these matters it is attraction and not promotion. I display my size and vibrant colors and the bird is attracted or not.

When there are desires that are being fulfilled with many people on the earth and it is not being fulfilled with oneself it hurts more. The african is just surviving. Getting food feels great. Quenching thirst is a milestone day. There are no TVs, there is no Real House Wives of Somalia. I am actually interested in their suicide rates. It is about the same as the US at 12 people per 100,000 people. I think they are just surviving. Just in it. It is all they know and nothing is getting thrown in their face like in the US. Many people in the US are surviving too. I am almost in that camp at the moment. I eat a peasant diet and live with my parents. I sit around on the internet and read novels and watch movies. I am not really living. The problem being that I have lived in the past and I know what it can be like. I have some sort of standards in my mind. Maybe I should not carry these standards of living with me but of course I do. When I see my neighbor has a Porsche and a hot wife it is kind of in my face. Who doesn't want a Porsche and a hot wife? Well, I don't particularly want a wife but I would like a partner but that is besides the point. I do my best to stay away from marketing and advertising but they are quite good at showing themselves. These are just more desires thrown in our face. It can get tiresome. They are manufacturing more desires than we know what to do with. Desires that seem reasonable. Desires that our neighbors have fulfilled. Desire fulfillment becomes a harrowing task. Quality of life seems impossible. That is why we need those deep roots in some meaning(s). We don't get lost with that sort of foundation. There is always climbing the ladder, getting to each step as if it were a game but these are games I no longer wish to play. I think two keys for me are keeping an eye open for better jobs and biting the bullet and going to more AA meetings to make friends. I really don't mind my current job though. So, the big one is biting the bullet and going to more AA meetings. Oh, how that dogma can really irritate me but many signs are pointing to that conclusion.

I was like The Narrator in Fight Club: collecting all the little pieces of materialism for my apartment. How do I want my coasters to represent me as a person? Fridge full of beer, champagne and white wine. Multiple thousand dollar bar. Bottles of red wine strewn across the counters. The trusty Black Box of a Caubernet Sauvignon or Merlot. Maybe I would drink a good bottle of Pinot with dinner. Always by myself. Typically a salad from Panera Bread. I never had any friends in that apartment. Not once. The champagne and white wine was for thirsty women. The little action I got was always in Chicago. Indiana was for my proper alcoholic drinking. Sometimes I would want a bottle of champagne with dinner and then be inspired to go to strip clubs. Double Hennessey straight like a boss. I actually didn't do that too often. There can be a certain shame associated with that. Probably more so the heavily drinking and driving than any antics in the VIP room.

I meant to talk about selling all my stuff though. When I was doing pretty well for myself as an Account Man I bought a $4,000 bike. I walked in the store they picked one out for me. I didn't even look at the price tag and then I joy rode it around for a solid 2 hours. I was so free. So, I told them I would take it still with out looking at the price tag. It came up on the screen and I was like "oh" but hated my life and thought this bike could bring me joy. I wouldn't be in the mix of bribery, corruption, annoying customers, and ever increasing sales demands when I was on this bike with the wind in my face. So, I got the bike of my dreams and then never rode it. Not once in Indiana. A few times when I moved to Pennsylvania. I think I sold it for a thousand.

I sold my TV, I sold my couch and those things were quite nice. Sitting on the couch watching Netflix drinking alcohol was a pastime I enjoyed. Oh well, that couch as much as I enjoyed it is allowing me to pay my bills this month.

The only things I really kept were random stuff, clothing, my bed. My bed is amazing and I am glad I have not had to sell it. It provides great nights of sleep which is something that can not be overlooked. My clothes are whatever. I am continually minimizing down. I just wear black t-shirts and either shorts or jeans. I have 1 white dress shirt and 1 suit if I have to go to a wedding or a job interview or a funeral. As I said if I ever have to go to a nice restaurant which is not often I have 1 dress shirt and 1 pair of pants. That could be used for other middle to upper class herd'ish activities. I don't go to enough of those events to really care that I wear the same thing every time. I would like to wear the same thing all the time. I still have all these dry fit golf shirts from when I was an Assistant Manager at a golf course and played golf all the time. I don't know if I will ever be as militant as some of the minimalist people but I like the movement. I could get rid of my books but I would have a hard time getting rid of some Monet, Basqiuat, and Renoir paintings I have.

Oh well, it is just about time for a walk on the beach. It just always seems to be a worthwhile portion of the day.

Au revoir niggaz

That bike story is really depressing. I've read a good amount of stories of people picking up cycling, often with a very average bike, and getting out of a serious state of depression thanks to it. I've had a similar experience myself. It's really sad to read you didn't use it at all after buying it. Oh well. That's the danger of running into a lot of money before you've matured enough as a person. We probably all have those stories here. I kind of have the opposite story when it comes to the bike, someone had sold me an ok bike that wasn't worth much at a greatly discounted price of like $40. I didn't know anything about bikes, but I (mistakenly) thought the brand/bike was really good and never saw any reason to change it. So I just biked with that even though I had made a $100k year. Turns out the brand is pretty crap as far as decent bikes go, but I still use it 8 years later for commuting. It's pretty beat up and no one would ever think of stealing it, which is what I like. But I became more passionate and bought a fairly expensive carbon race bike a while ago. That comes with more worry though, but it's mostly worth it.

I read some of THP and for the most part I was really bored. I love Benatar but his writing can be so dry and lifeless. I don't really see the point in reading him; I never get anything from reading it because it's too common to my own thought. Most people love to confirm their views but I much rather challenge myself with the media I'm consuming. That's what keeps me going, finding new bits and pieces of information I can integrate into my beliefs. If I can shake or shatter them, even better. Finding different ways of looking at things is very enjoyable. I've been reading on transdisciplinarity lately and man, that's going to keep me going for a while. Don't close the world just because you're socially isolated right now. Use it as an opportunity to grow as a person, you have the resources to get an education someone could only dream of having just a couple decades ago. And you can get that mostly for free if you know where to look. Also, you have no reason to limit your encounters to AA meetings. AA meetings come up too often in your blogs. You seem to be over this, or at least as over it as someone in your situation can be. I'd imagine most of these people are not. Move forward and meet "normal" people. Or do you think people who don't drink can only hang around other AAs? Here's a group you might want to try: https://www.meetup.com/Charleston-Veggie/. Find something to be physically active in as well.

Believe me, my story in Northwest Indiana is nothing but depressing towards the middle and end of my ever progressing alcoholism. I have been to the dark lands, I have been to hell. I came very close many times to suicide in those days. Alcohol does do a decent job of blotting out the consciousness. Now, I must face everything sober sin alcohol and religion. Suicide is mostly a curiosity now. How would I do it? How should I do it? If things get unbearable.

I would say THP was not too common to my own thought so I got some things out of it. I have not read Schopenhauer, Cioran, or any other pessimist thought so it was good to read through the arguments. I would love to challenge myself as well but I don't know where to look. A stimulating book keeps me hungry to wake up in the morning. I am not meaning to close the world but it is true that my world is quite closed. My last three months of not working and moving to a new city I have had a tremendous education. Part of that is due to Jordan Peterson and his reading list but as I move forward there I grow further and further apart from Peterson. Part of that is due to the help of you. I refuse to be a Peterson disciple and his foundation in Christianity and symbolism I want no part of. I do want to read new stimulating, exciting books though.

AA meetings do come up too often in my blogs. It is a bit of an existential crisis. AA is a Christian cult. I have been indoctrinated in that cult. I did not want to drink and I did not want to kill myself so badly that I allowed myself to be a part of. When I found many similar people who had been in the same situations and now they are sober it is tough to leave. I wanted that. I wanted to know how to live life sober. They had the solutions. So, I mostly did what they suggested and now alcohol is mostly neutral in my life. It brought me friends. More quality friends than I ever had in my life. It is easy to turn a blind eye on the nature of some of the Christian values in the main text "Alcoholics Anonymous" when it is working in my life for the better. I am at a point where I can no longer stand idle to the sheer lack of rational thought that permeates the rooms of AA. I must move forward. My closest contacts are suggesting I go to more meetings though. These are people who I trust and it is hard to continually go against this culture that saved me. I don't think people that don't drink can only hang around AAs but it is the only thing I know. It will just take some time and effort and experience to break through some of these boundaries. A vegan group would be nice. They will be like minded people for sure. I can learn the ropes of how to better be a vegan and be social in Charleston. I definitely need to get more into physical activity. It does something to the brain and entire body. I have been going for walks on the beach pretty regularly but am looking to play tennis and go on hikes and I agree whole heartedly that physical activity is something that should be sought.

You're not indoctrinated into that cult anymore, so don't go back to it unless you absolutely need it because you have relapsed or you're going to relapse. As long as you have people to keep you accountable, and something to look forward to on a regular basis, you don't need em. Fuck 'em. The values from there that have helped you don't need to come from God but you know this. I would say, seek philosophical counseling, but such counselors can be hard to find. A therapy group/talking group is what you feel attracted to, not the Christian cult, which is inseparable from AA and therefore should be avoided. I personally read Irvin D. Yalom's works when I was in a similar place, and they helped me a lot. It's definitely a form of therapy to read his works, but you still need to actively avoid isolating yourself too much. I would recommend these (and I have them in Kindle format if you want to save some $):

https://www.amazon.com/Schopenhauer-Cure-Novel-Irvin-Yalom/dp/0060938102
https://www.amazon.com/When-Nietzsche...ie=UTF8&qid=1501561872&sr=1-6
https://www.amazon.com/Existential-Ps...ie=UTF8&qid=1501561872&sr=1-9

Also something that helped me:
https://www.amazon.com/Constructive-L...=1-1&keywords=constructive+living


Find groups to be active in, places where you can talk and be yourself and not be a blasphemer. It is no measure of health to repress who you are, what you believe in and what you know to be true. Focus on your health. A group that dogmatically shuts down scientific and philosophical investigation and replaces it with comfortable thoughts is not health oriented. What they're doing is cultivating a very fragile, self-serving set of beliefs. You want something solid. An approach to being and learning that can be followed for a lifetime without disappointments. You want to be active. You want to learn to think, and also to sit still and to stand up straight.

Received a nice gift in the mail today. Looking forward to this.

On August 01 2017 04:35 Loco wrote: You're not indoctrinated into that cult anymore, so don't go back to it unless you absolutely need it because you have relapsed or you're going to relapse. As long as you have people to keep you accountable, and something to look forward to on a regular basis, you don't need em. Fuck 'em. The values from there that have helped you don't need to come from God but you know this. I would say, seek philosophical counseling, but such counselors can be hard to find. A therapy group/talking group is what you feel attracted to, not the Christian cult, which is inseparable from AA and therefore should be avoided. I personally read Irvin D. Yalom's works when I was in a similar place, and they helped me a lot. It's definitely a form of therapy to read his works, but you still need to actively avoid isolating yourself too much. I would recommend these (and I have them in Kindle format if you want to save some $): https://www.amazon.com/Schopenhauer-Cure-Novel-Irvin-Yalom/dp/0060938102 https://www.amazon.com/When-Nietzsche...ie=UTF8&qid=1501561872&sr=1-6 https://www.amazon.com/Existential-Ps...ie=UTF8&qid=1501561872&sr=1-9 Also something that helped me: https://www.amazon.com/Constructive-L...=1-1&keywords=constructive+living Find groups to be active in, places where you can talk and be yourself and not be a blasphemer. It is no measure of health to repress who you are, what you believe in and what you know to be true. Focus on your health. A group that dogmatically shuts down scientific and philosophical investigation and replaces it with comfortable thoughts is not health oriented. What they're doing is cultivating a very fragile, self-serving set of beliefs. You want something solid. An approach to being and learning that can be followed for a lifetime without disappointments. You want to be active. You want to learn to think, and also to sit still and to stand up straight.

I have to go to work soon so I will be brief. AA is not black and white. There was a Christian group called the Oxford Group that AA's founder Bill Wilson got much of the ideas from. In many ways Bill Wilson is idolized as well as Christ. The text "Alcoholics Anonymous" is looked to by many to be gospel. Many believe Bill Wilson was divinely inspired while writing it. This is not everyone though although you are right in that in most groups it is blasphemy to talk poorly about Bill Wilson or Christianity.

I go to a freethinker group that is much more open. It is at minimum a secular group with many members that are openly athiest and anti-theist (like myself). AA is supposed to be secular but all of the foundations are in Christianity and it is standard practice to say the Lord's Prayor after every meeting. People don't realize how ridiculous that is. The freethinker group does. Last night we had a great meeting and there was a gentleman there at his very first meeting. We all basically told stories about how we can not drink normally and what it was like when we first tried to stop drinking. I spent an hour after the meeting just having a conversation with him basically answering his questions and sharing my experiences. He said it was the first time he had experienced some peace in many days if not weeks. I am in a unique position to help him that not many people are. It is good for me to have that connection. It is one way in which I am "gifted" to help and reduce suffering and receive some meaning here on earth. I don't want to turn my back on that. I don't believe that helping the suffering alcoholic is my primary purpose on this earth as AA espouses but it is an important endeavor to me. Especially for the guys that are equally as atheist and anti-theist as me and truly want to figure out how to live life sober.

All of those books look good. Thank you for some inspiration. I don't always have the imagination to know where to go next for good reading.

My work schedule could be problematic. We will see. I whole heartedly agree that I need to be more involved in groups. Especially ones where I don't have to repress who I am. Phone calls to friends back in Pittsburgh are nice but not as nice as spending an afternoon or an evening in person. Therapy groups are intriguing. Existentialist meetups in cafes might be too cliche. I gotta go.

Ah, well, if you have a different 'freethinker' group, then that's a different story. All I had to go on was your qualification of AA as a Christian cult. That's good, then.

Can you tell me what Vegan cream cheese consists of? Is it basically hummus with some kind of soy flavoring?

I get Tofutti non-hydrogenated or Trader Joe's brand. If I remember correctly the Tofutti is mainly a pressed oil consisting of soybean oil and also some olive oil and another oil. The Trader Joe's brand is mostly coconut oil. I think I like the taste and the texture of the Trader Joe's brand more but not enough to go out of my way to get it at Trader Joe's (I do most of my shopping at a local place or Whole Foods). If you are looking for bonafide cream cheese you might be a bit disappointed but as far as an alternative spread for delicious bagels it does the trick.

+ Show Spoiler +

On August 01 2017 17:38 Loco wrote: Received a nice gift in the mail today. Looking forward to this.

I missed this earlier. That is pretty cool and also looks like another cool piece to the puzzle.

On August 01 2017 18:38 Loco wrote: Ah, well, if you have a different 'freethinker' group, then that's a different story. All I had to go on was your qualification of AA as a Christian cult. That's good, then.

A lot of your suggestions are still valid. Most meetings besides that group are secular at best. Open discussion is replaced by cliches and platitudes. There is much parroting of the text and senior members or just a rehashing on how their day went. God and prayer are the two biggest suggestions. Try sitting in a meeting where people discuss their Gods for 50 min. It's really pretty tough to sit through that even though some of it is part fascinating what they actually believe. That is the only real reason to stay in that sort of situation. The Lord's Prayer is mandatory in 99% of meetings. The issue arises where people with a lot of time and my friends have suggested I go to more meetings which means I would have to start hitting these other meetings. This is what I am moving forward from. I like these people. I respect these people but these people are indoctrinated in what is at the core level a Christian cult. Many members would be upset that I am even posting all of this on the internet. I could go on but I won't. I am grateful that it exists because it helped me out of a very bad spot. I have met a lot of great people that have helped me tremendously but it does get to a point where I wake up a bit and the healthy skepticism starts to set in. When I no longer have tunnel vision on finishing the steps and my life is pretty normal and alcohol becomes neutral and I am constantly reading really brilliant philosophy it is kind of difficult to not start seeing all the holes. They say to give experience, strength and hope. I do my best to just give experience. I don't sugar coat it. I no longer wish to live in the reality distortion that is being an alcoholic or being a force fed recovering alcoholic. The best shares and interactions are honest not delusional. Here I go ranting on AA again.

As long as you have people to keep you accountable, and something to look forward to on a regular basis, you don't need em.

My not drinking is an interesting alchemy. The text and everybody in the rooms has their own accounting of how they stay sober. They all like to share it and suggest it as gospel. I honestly do not know how I stay sober. One time in particular that I think illuminates some of the mystery for me was early on in my recovery I went to Paris. I absolutely loved Paris. Alcohol did not bother me the entire time I was there while at other times at home I was in fits. I would over eat, I would gamble, I would shop, I would be full of anxiety. Through out some time I came to the same conclusion you did in that if I have something to look forward to and am doing ok I am ok. The accountability thing is kind of weird. The solution in the text is that we need a deep and effectual spiritual experience as the result of doing the Steps. Once the psychic change takes hold we are free men no longer enslaved by our selfishness. It's all alchemy but it has worked so far.

I would say, seek philosophical counseling, but such counselors can be hard to find. A therapy group/talking group is what you feel attracted to, not the Christian cult, which is inseparable from AA and therefore should be avoided.

I could use a philosophical counselor. It is all about seeking the good life. I still consider getting some philosophy degrees which is counseling in a way. I would prefer to find a modern day Socrates. I would much prefer a talking group over many of the groups in AA. Once my health insurance gets straightened out I will be seeing a therapist again. I have never throught about doing a group version and do not really know what that would entail.

I personally read Irvin D. Yalom's works when I was in a similar place, and they helped me a lot. It's definitely a form of therapy to read his works, but you still need to actively avoid isolating yourself too much.

Yes, this Irvin D. Yalom may be the avenue I must travel down.

The isolation could be the tricky part so in turn the something to look forward to could also be the tricky part. My work schedule makes things tough. I works 3-11pm. Maybe I can do some stuff before. There is nothing I can do after besides get some food and try and unwind. It is back to internet, books, movies. Before is mostly the same at the moment. I need to do my best to wake up early enough to do stuff at noon. Since I don't really have anything desirable to do at noon at the moment the motivation may not be there. It is so much easier to just wake up at 1pm and then stay up into the early morning hours. Perhaps easier, definitely lazier, it can't be the best way to live my life. Perhaps I should have never of told him I could work the second shift. Perhaps I didn't think it through. I just really didn't like waking up early everyday. It will only get more difficult now...

Find groups to be active in, places where you can talk and be yourself and not be a blasphemer. It is no measure of health to repress who you are, what you believe in and what you know to be true. Focus on your health. A group that dogmatically shuts down scientific and philosophical investigation and replaces it with comfortable thoughts is not health oriented. What they're doing is cultivating a very fragile, self-serving set of beliefs. You want something solid. An approach to being and learning that can be followed for a lifetime without disappointments. You want to be active. You want to learn to think, and also to sit still and to stand up straight.

Chuch

On addiction and your experience in Paris, this might help you illuminate things further:

So, I come home from work kind of tired and dejected. Things are just not how I would have hoped work would be. It's a grind, it's a pain. Does anyone really want to spend 4 hours cutting mozzarella cheese? I get a good cut of the tips as a prep cook so my hourly is not bad. Closer to living wage than minimum. A lot of my co-workers are pretty cool. So, I will go on. The last sentences here are what life is about for me. Putting myself in shitty situations so I can pay my bills. That's what we are all doing. My feet fucking hurt and I have that after work disgruntled fog of tiredness. This is life. I tell myself a thousand times. That is why you won't hear me espousing "life is good" bullshit. Life is bad and I sit here and I type about it because that is all that I have to do. Not bad enough to kill myself yet but pretty bad and stupid, pointless, senseless. I had a story set to tell how I came home from work tired and dejected and found around the house quite a nice little meal as if God had left it for me himself. A bit of left over salad, 3 sweet potato wedges, perfect amount of some quinoa salad, 1 plum, and a few handfuls of blueberries. This pleased me very much but here is a case example that the pleasure of food or even lovely coincidences are fleeting. I mostly just want to escape into sleep. There are moments when I am waking up and shaking it all off that I feel great. Breaking the fast. The right amount of caffeine. It seems that work is cheerful for 4 hours or so. Then I get a much needed food break and some renewed vigor. Back to the grind and my feet start becoming a problem and I am sick of being there and I would assume most know this drill.



But, I really wanted to touch on Addiction:

"The opposite of addiction is connection"

From my experiences there is a lot of truth to this. I think where AA comes in is to cultivate a situation where the addict can make connections. I know my story I found myself off of short term disability and my work just through me right into an office where I did not know anyone. I had a bad attitude and was not in the mood to mingle with these office folks. When they threw me into the really nice vacant corner office many became perturbed. When they threw me in some makeshift piece of shit cubicle I became perturbed. I was writing safety reports all day and it was horrible. I just stayed over caffeinated and listened to spotify until that did not work and I just flat out started browsing tattoo shops or reddit or whatever the fuck I was doing at the time. I just didn't want to deal with these office fucks. I didn't want to talk sports or how traffic was or anything. I left and ate at Subway everyday for lunch. I was a ball of discontented, anti-social fuck. AA is like baby steps. For starters, the connections are available there and through the steps the ability to look the world in the eye and being ok with oneself is a real possibility.

With the shift I am currently working if I did not have some people I am cool with at work I would be at a danger to start drinking again. That is true. I get some connection through LP as well.

Paris was like and is like my rat park. When I developed many connections in Pittsburgh that became a very fun rat park. If I don't figure out a way for some better connections here in Charleston I am likely doomed to end up with a bottle in my mouth. A bottle in my mouth is more likely than a gun in my mouth. If I am going to kill myself why not at least try to drink and do drugs successfully first.

Oh well, whatever. Most alcoholics and drug addicts I know have a hard time making connections. They need a reboot in some way. It's part of why they turned to drugs and alcohol in the first place. The drug addict is in some ways "broken." They need to build up themselves. I know for a while the only people I liked being around were other alcoholics that had fucked their life up similarly to me. Alright, I have spent too much time on this topic already. It is still important for me today and may be the single answer to "my alchemy" for how I stay sober.

There's no such thing as drinking and doing drugs successfully. There are the people who have the right genetics and environment to be able to moderate, and there's those who don't. Weight loss should help you with the feet pain. I used to be plagued by it as well when I was 50-60 lbs overweight. Even just doing dishes was painful. All gone now. It's another reason to eat healthily and be active. If your work ends up being too depressing, just go back to school man. Don't feel stuck because you aren't.

Yeah, I know I can't drink or do drugs successfully but that is like my pipe dream when things seemingly aren't going my way. Truthfully, the biggest reason is when there is not ample connection so Johann has a lot of it right. I could deal with a shitty job if I had quality friends for different quality occasions.

Weight loss will probably help. I am always left wondering if it is the $28 shoes I got from Walmart. Would the $70 shoes from shoesforcrews.com be any better? I don't know. I have yet to run the experiment. I would feel pretty stupid if I spent another $70 to find myself in a similar situation. Any nagging foot pain is foot pain that I do not want obviously. I never really had foot pain so bad when I was standing 8 hrs. at my last job when I was wearing my Brooks. Maybe I should just wear those and get the non-slip slip ons. I think we have the solution.

I feel stuck. I really do. School is another one that I lack imagination. The only one I really get excited about is going back for a Philosophy degree but going back for undergrad didn't seem to make sense and I am not sure what kind of school I could get into for a graduate degree. The GRE is quite harrowing since I have not had any work in any of those disciplines in many years. I think I could put together a decent paper on what I am passionate about but it may be flawed in not being organized how graduate schools want their papers to be organized. It is kind of sad that the most imagination I have is how I would get high. I have imagination with painting and with writing short stories, improv comedy... I think it is a bit of an exaggeration for the longing to get high. It is there now since I think I am coming to the realizations that yes this job is just another job that I will have to do things I do not want to do. On the bright side it is somewhat entertaining to work with almost all southern black women dropping "oh lawd" every third sentence and gossiping non-stop. Sometimes I only understand every third word or non of it at all. When I can understand it they go off on some monologues and tell stories that are really fucking funny. What lives we all lead. What we fucking do to end up with a little bit of margin in our lives. I am currently not managing very well. The bills are finally paid by me but I am weary. I long for the the walks through the city, the coffee shops, the patios, the diners, the connections. I will figure it out. I must.

I actually think drugs can be used successfully. I still use drugs successfully to this day. 1,200 mg lithium carbonate and 1.5mg risperdal taken at night. 250-300mg of caffeine ingested in the morning. Marijuana can certainly be used for a number of things. A pill or 2 or even 3 of MDMA before a rave or a festival. The right amount of molly parachuted for similar situations. They are using the stuff to treat trauma these days. Correct dosing of mushrooms for the right occasion has numerous benefits. They are helping people with depression, end of life situations, existential angst, and even alcoholism. For most people some wine with dinner has a positive effect. Even getting a little fucked up at times under the right circumstances is a release and a relief. There maybe countless other examples but I don't have time for that right now.

Like I said, right genetics, right environment --> can get away with moderating drugs. For the others, it's an illusion of control over whatever substance. Like the guy at the casino who thinks he knows which slot machine is going to give out. I also think it's possible for some psychedelics to have long lasting positive effects, but that's what, less than 1% of drug users. They're the exception to the rule. I was speaking generally, and with the fact that you're an addict in mind.

Prescribed drugs are tricky. For some, they clearly seem to help. For others, they have severe side effects that aren't worth the trade off. Even for those that they are helping with whatever condition, sometimes it takes a while before undesirable side effects show up. So we'd have to monitor them in the long term to know, and the studies that do that tend to come out with pretty bad results (I'm thinking of the ones on anti-depressants). The person can even acclimate to undesirable side effects and believe that those effects are just the normal 'me'. Caffeine is also tricky. I'm a person who doesn't tolerate caffeine well. But I've never needed it. Certainly, I don't believe that the Monster you drink every morning (if that's what you do) is part of a successful routine, even though you might feel very good doing it. You'd probably feel better if exercise was your drug instead (coupled with good sleep), and I'm sure there are some clinical trials on that. Caffeine use is way overdone in the US. Its negative effects might be negligible but I feel like it's a quick shortcut that can deplete the brain of feel good chemicals it should be able to get normally.