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follow the white rabbit |
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sawseech Canada. Jul 12 2010 12:09. Posts 3182 | | |
it's july 2005. he's trying to figure how to break through. he's dominating weaker players and breaking even or losing to better players. it's the same pattern as before. he was missing something then and he's missing it now. the only difference between then and now is that he finally understands that he's missing something.
unbidden, his reflection attempts to inculcate a slightly different mindset in him. to be more assertive, more initiatory, more violent. to make a mockery of their feeble attempts at control. never settle. initiate and thereby actively limit their options. understand that you're better and that they will either give ground or overreact. as they give ground, pummel hard. as they overreact, laugh hard. fuck these motherfuckers. be who you are or, to be more accurate, be the person that i know you can be.
he chooses to believe and so he steps it up and goes and does likewise. much to his surprise he finds that it works. moreover, it's easy. a world of possibilities opens up to him and whereas before he may have shied away from it he now finds himself willing to embrace it. he starts to have new and brighter dreams. he can't wait to enter that world of his dreams, to be the one person he knows of in the flesh who made it real. he lusts to become whole in it, to shed the baggage of poverty, to self-actualize. to live wholly and unrepentantly in the moment, finally, after all of these years.
he finally understands what that one man was doing, why that lady cared so deeply, and why he had to leave that place at that time in his life. why he hasn't been able to let anyone in.
something happens, something violent. he is wounded. he crawls deep into a hole and he pulls it in over himself and he waits.
the months roll by as he slowly heals. eventually he can sleep again. he finds that he can move freely and without pain. he starts to play again.
something's not right. he's not feeling it. his sense is lacking and his timing is off. his attacks are anticipated, and his movements are awkward. he's hesitant.
there's a haze over him.
he starts dropping codeine and finds that it helps. he feels better and he sleeps better and he's more focused. he doesn't really know why he's taking it but he doesn't care.
stuff starts happening to him. his body fails to protect him in spots where it would have protected him before. he's dysthemic significantly more often than not; this is new. he develops carpal tunnel and ulnar neuropathy and wonders why this should be the case after all of these years of clicking a mouse a billion times a day. his vision suffers.
he doesn't care.
he drives on and more often than not he's just waiting for the moment in which he feels recognizably and mostly whole. when in that moment, he plays relentlessly. at times he even feels like the person he can remember feeling like. somehow, this is enough for him.
time passes and he sees his results slowly diminish. the interval between being whole and being noticeably diminished grows progressively larger. he wonders if he might be bipolar. he takes some pills and then some other ones, just to see if it's so. he's not.
the shoulder becomes unbearable. he waits for a year and then he has it fixed.
stuff happens. he chooses to wait it out, to wait and see what happens.
a short while later he finds that the results of his most recent play can most aptly be characterised as inconceivable. he's gone through five years of progressively diminished results, so he should be numb to this sort of thing but this shocks him. this should be impossible for him. he is who he is, right?
he processes for awhile and finds that he was missing something then and that he's missing it now. he looks within himself and finds that the answer is pain. that he never really came out of that hole that he had pulled in over himself.
sometimes it is acute and the rest of the time it burns. it always tingles. there are spasms. it itches. the sensory experience of joint dysfunction has been magnified. minor nerve irritation now returns something subjectively equivalent to a herniated disk.
he reflects further on the past few months and remembers waking up and seeing the bags under his eyes, day after day. he remembers being, at times, unable to recognize the man in the mirror. he's lost weight.
he's disabled.
the person that he was would not have stood back and watched his social ties wither and die, or seen his days grow longer and darker without recourse, or walked around for a year with no rotator cuff.
he would have initiated, attacked. he would have tried to force it, whatever it was, to bend to his will and he would have found it immovable. he would then have processed. instead this unreconizable disabled person dropped codeine and shrugged it off for five years.
casper, the god. he shines bright like a diamond. he's harsh, but he's sensitive. he feels deeply, and he cares. and he's dead.
i carry the memory of the worst day of my life with a smile and i choose to believe that i will be able to take back my life an inch at a time. i know of no person in the flesh who has managed to do such a thing, and so i aspire to be the first to do so and i hope that, in time, newer and even brighter dreams will light my sleep.
-w
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| lets go fucking mental la la la la lets go fucking mental lets go fucking mental lala la la | |
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qwerty67890 New Zealand. Jul 12 2010 12:14. Posts 14026 | | | |
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qwerty67890 New Zealand. Jul 12 2010 12:15. Posts 14026 | | |
casper was indeed dead
but at least he was a friendly ghost |
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qwerty67890 New Zealand. Jul 12 2010 12:15. Posts 14026 | | |
lul i read part of it, only the casper line though, then made 3 seperate posts just to boost my count coz im like nearly 10k which makes me a LP master |
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Interesting story, read it fully.
Clicked it only because it said 'follow the white-ra' though. |
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bigredhoss Cook Islands. Jul 12 2010 13:04. Posts 8649 | | |
read all of it, was a good read. best of luck. |
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YouGoTGoT United States. Jul 12 2010 13:06. Posts 1118 | | |
I find myself saying this alot on this site:
Go outside |
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| YA I TALK SHIT, GOTTA DEFECATE TO CONVERSATE | |
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egood United States. Jul 12 2010 13:26. Posts 1883 | | |
his palms are sweaty,
knees weak - arms are heavy,
theres vomit on his sweater already,
mom's spaghetti.
he's nervous.
but on the surface he looks calm and ready,
to drop bombs - but he keeps on forgetting,
what he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud,
he opens his mouth but the words won't come out,
he's chokin, how? everybody's jokin now.
the clocks run out, time's up, over, BLAOW! |
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ya i only clicked i here cuz i thought it was White-ra too ^^; |
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thumbz555 United States. Jul 12 2010 14:04. Posts 3281 | | |
| | On July 12 2010 12:26 egood wrote:
his palms are sweaty,
knees weak - arms are heavy,
theres vomit on his sweater already,
mom's spaghetti.
he's nervous.
but on the surface he looks calm and ready,
to drop bombs - but he keeps on forgetting,
what he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud,
he opens his mouth but the words won't come out,
he's chokin, how? everybody's jokin now.
the clocks run out, time's up, over, BLAOW! |
Word. |
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vegable United States. Jul 12 2010 14:54. Posts 2453 | | | |
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LemOn[5thF] Czech Republic. Jul 12 2010 17:22. Posts 15163 | | |
cliffs? lololol I can't read this after 4 beers and no white ra in the article |
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Silver_nz New Zealand. Jul 13 2010 02:00. Posts 5647 | | | |
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Very good read. Darkly poetic and gripping. I can completely emphasize with a good part of that. I hope things are okay man. No matter what happens, don't give up, not necessarily on poker, but yourself. |
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