What do I have?

Can I give it up? Can I give up dominance hierarchies?

This song came up. I used to love this song. I think I still do. It is all about "Cool" Culture, dominance hierarchies, and getting stuff and fucking women in the bathroom and putting your leg up on the bathtub and making it a new dance move. It brings me visions of dancing somewhat scandalously with a large assed black women who I later take home to have rather raucous sex with many sex positions utilized. She obviously has at least 3 orgasms and I end by skeeting on her already mentioned large and aesthetically pleasing ass.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

You know, I haven't had a good laugh in a while. That is really a shame. It is one of the best things in life to laugh. Laughter overcomes tragedy and fragility and death. To have some friends that share in one's sense of humor be it raunchy or dark or controversial. I don't know why I write in threes a lot. People always told me human beings like threes. I am going to climb high mountains and laugh. Laugh at the abyss below. The abyss with its even intensity hum of silverware scraping plates. It will rise to a fervor if you let it. I say drown it with laughter my fellows!

Don't mess with yourself with thoughts like "can I give up dominance hierarchies". It'll do you no good. Very few people ever do, and they do so out of necessity because their personality types are such that they cannot be happy participants in them. If you were one of those people you'd know without a doubt.

On June 29 2017 08:02 RiKD wrote: You know, I haven't had a good laugh in a while.

Read "Surely You Must Be Joking Mr. Feynman" and that will change. Its the authobiography of Richard Feynman, this guy has led one of the most interesting lives

On June 29 2017 11:43 Loco wrote: Don't mess with yourself with thoughts like "can I give up dominance hierarchies". It'll do you no good. Very few people ever do, and they do so out of necessity because their personality types are such that they cannot be happy participants in them. If you were one of those people you'd know without a doubt.

Yeah, I don't think I am one of those people. I certainly reject a lot of aspects of popular culture or just culture. On the other hand I have been on my own for almost 3 weeks now and rarely leave the house. The only social interaction has been the sporadic AA meeting. I don't think it is how I want my life to go but it is not so bad. What I want is my own social sphere. I have my 7 black relaxed crew t-shirts, 7 pairs of shorts, unmarked black shoes. That is all I want to wear. I want my social sphere from Pittsburgh back. That is what I am complaining about. I am ok with my solitude in Charleston but I would like a social sphere. I guess that answers it.

In high school I was captain of the lacrosse team which was probably cooler than football but probably not basketball. Maybe basketball. I liked that feeling. If I can be happy and thrive in one social dominance hierarchy than I am in that pool for life? Something that I still have trouble reconciling is how I could have quite a lot of girls into me at the time and just not taking advantage of that. I was just young. A late bloomer even at 17. In all honesty, I did not need casual sex with multiple partners then and I don't really need it now. Just let me listen to Stimming when I run errands or take the dog for a walk on the beach, post on liquidpoker, read Nietzsche and Dostoevski, and watch a good film or Netflix show. It is not like I have even found any social spheres here worth joining or I have not given any a chance. Actually, I did join a home group. I talk to a few people and that is about it.

This was really a lot of writing to say I am not really sure what. If I could be stateless and function I would. I do need some friends but I don't think I need a particular social sphere. I much prefer to be out on my own and mingle with this sphere or that.

Last September I was on vacation at Edisto Beach, SC literally right on the beach. I was in a stretch of mania held under wraps mostly by the drug ativan. Regardless, I spent most of the time going for walks on the beach, taking pictures and sitting out on the porch overlooking the ocean and writing. I filled up an entire notebook worth of poems, songs, random musings, fear inventory work, among other stuff. I wrote Sia a thank you letter. Unfortunately it is kind of shitty. Too much AA lingo. It was interesting to see how obsessed I was with certain aspects of popular culture. I could not stop writing about Rihanna and others. It was like I was trying to write songs like Frank Ocean. I kept referencing people like Jay Z, Kanye, and Drake. I was like a totally different person in some regards. The fear inventory work was really productive and some of the poems were beautiful but for the most part it was just a complete dump of my psyche which was interesting to read but I am glad I am at where I am today. I am continuing the psyche dump right now actually. I really wanted that letter to Sia to be good but it just wasn't. It got a little haywire at the end and just too much AA lingo. She would understand because she is a member but it was just a shame in the fact that a lot of the writing in that notebook in general had weird AA platitudes. It is nice to think that I am finally over that. AA platitudes and obsession with rap culture. Good riddance.

The notebook brings up the fact that it is just occupation of time. I was really high out there on that porch. It was vacation. It goes into how should we spend our time? I spent some quality time with family, read some great books, got to the bottom of some fears and resentments, wrote some good poetry and got lost in photography. How else should I want to spend my time? I think I may just be one of those people that works a relatively shitty job and fills up my time with quality experiences. It's just that these stimulating jobs just don't seem realistic for me and that is a shame. It is like I will need to get lucky to achieve that and that sucks. I don't know if those are the facts of life but they sure seem to be.

"How else should I want to spend my time?"

Like Cioran said, "In the end I only know of two problems: how to bear life and how to bear oneself. There are no harder tasks. And there are no definitive answers to resolve them."

There's a constant process of discovering new things "in the world" and within yourself, and also a process of abandoning things. I know that. I don't know when or if it ever ends. It seems you can speed up those processes if you're passionate about things, or you can stagnate. It's difficult not to stagnate sometimes, depending on your personality and the kind of bad luck you get in life. There are signals of stagnation and we need to be paying good attention to them. Learning to heighten that awareness is what I'd call wisdom.

We've all been dealt different hands and we do what we can with them. You've given up this obsession with certain things that have little worth and that's good. That's worthy of a small celebration. Replace that obsession with something else that's actually you, not some cultural product, and you're doing better. But it's not all this. It's not all a selfish pursuit. It's ambiguous. It's having some animal gratifications because that's part of the game, but also having some duties, otherwise there's no meaning. That balancing act is the challenge and there's no easy way of managing it.

I like this post. It is very well put. There is no easy way of managing it. There is no one size fits all mold. As much as I would love to try out jumping into solitude in the Swiss Alps to live and write that is not my life. I have a life here and now that I need to live with less timidity. It is not just about being comfortable. Comfortable is a trap. I was comfortable after a bottle of wine. Oh well, I don't want to go on some Nietzsche'ian inspired rant. I have been perhaps spending too much time with him the last few days. I actually get sick of reading "Thus Spake Zarathustra" which is why I have never finished it. How about some Cioran? Would you like to curate my Cioran experience? Which should I read first?

I would only recommend that you read his journals and interviews right now. Not his books. You're not in a place where they would be helpful to you, IMO. Unfortunately, they haven't been translated to English yet.