Xervean United States. Jun 10 2012 18:54. Posts 682
Don't worry I'm not busto ROFL!
I just watched the video of Brad Booth talking about how he has a gambling problem and is in a huge amount of debt to countless backers. He also admitted to straight up stealing money from WCGRIDER. He was crying and looked like he was at rock bottom.
It got me thinking and I decided to share some of my experiences.
I definitely used to have a horrible gambling problem and was in denial for many years. I have never played a pit game in my entire life but I used to constantly play high stakes cash games while on tilt and under rolled. However I only did this with my own money, and never on the money of other people. If I had people feeding me an endless stream of cash I never would have learned anything. I was only staked one time for 3k back in early 2007, and it went really well and my backer was paid back 6k and I profited the original 3k. Unfortunately when I was back on my own money the next day I tilted it playing 5/10 and was broke again. My backer, Ket, told me that he was cutting me off for my own good because I would never learn anything if I continued down this path. He told me I need to learn the value of money and that I should grind 1$ sngs until my fingers bleed. I knew he was right and that advice stuck with me even though I didn't follow it for a long time because my addiction was so powerful.
I eventually got to the point in late 2008 where I was completely broke and I had no way to get in action. I was at total rock bottom. My credit cards were all maxed out, I had 2-3 bank loans of like 2-3k each, and lots of school loans. I had too much pride to start messaging my poker friends begging them for staking money. I talked to my parents and they agreed that it was time for me to grow up and get a real job. I went and got a job and for 9 months I lived with my parents and 85% of my income went into paying back debts. The road to recovery was long and hard. I had a lot of time on my hands and read countless books and spent many hours working out. I started practicing meditation and spent many hours analyzing myself and trying to understand my addiction and its triggers. Yomer from LP gave me 200$ to play 10nl on and I doubled his money and paid him back. From that point on I never went broke again, even though I did have a few relapses where I would lose 40-50% of my bankroll I never put myself in the position where I had everything on the line. As time went on my tilt control started to get better and better. I started meditating more and more and had a few really huge breakthroughs and realizations. The first time I read the book Siddhartha it was essentially a religious experience for me. It opened my eyes to so many things, and I no longer view the world in the same way. I finally made the decision to quit trying to move up in stakes and to just grind the small stakes games and be happy with what I had. This gave me a lot of peace, and I was finally able to release much of my ego.
Post black Friday I worked two jobs to save up for a live poker bankroll. When I had enough money saved up I continued working 7 days a week and when I would get off work I would go grind at the casino. I got about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. This continued for about 3-4 months and I had a huge run where I didn't lose for 5 weeks. I completely paid off all of my credit card debt and school loans. I'm now completely debt free and am looking to potentially buy a house or condo soon. I quit my second job about 3 months ago and am very well bankrolled for 2/5NL cash games live. I still work a full-time job that I really enjoy, and I just play poker for the intellectual challenge and enjoyment.
I'm a huge bankroll nit and take absolutely zero chances with my money. I will continue working on my game and trying to improve because I really do enjoy playing. I have no desire to play poker for a living, and have no delusions of trying to become rich from it. At this point it is just a nice source of income that I can get from doing something that I enjoy. I no longer feel the gambling sickness inside of me, and when I lose I just accept it instead of feeling the sense of "desperation" that I used to.
I was certainly lucky in the sense that I had parents who allowed me to stay with them while I got back on my feet. I was also able to discover Buddhism and use my time training my mind instead of coming up with schemes to get back in action. I would say that I am probably in the minority of people who are able to overcome the sickness. I think that in the case of many people they would be much better off giving up the game completely.
I am extremely happy with my life now and to be honest I have no regrets. Without my experiences I wouldn't be the strong person that I am today.
Great personal story and I'm glad you shared it. I remember when Yomer backed you that 200 and hearing stories from him about what a sicko degen you were.
NeillyJQ: I really wanted to prove to myself I could beat NL200, I did over a small sample, and believe Ill be crushing there in the future.
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PuertoRican United States. Jun 10 2012 19:56. Posts 13039
Nice story, Xervean. Keep up the good work with life decisions~
Rekrul is a newb
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Silver_nz New Zealand. Jun 10 2012 20:23. Posts 5647
Nice. I'm sure this story will help some people who were in the same place you were.
I went through almost the exact same thing, I have a question though. Since I learned about indian philosophy, I began wondering what is reality, life, death, spirituality etc. How can you discover buddhism/Siddharta and just go on with your normal life afterwards? Didn't it make you wonder what life really is or is about?
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left
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Xervean United States. Jun 10 2012 22:15. Posts 682
On June 10 2012 19:54 Zorglub wrote:
I went through almost the exact same thing, I have a question though. Since I learned about indian philosophy, I began wondering what is reality, life, death, spirituality etc. How can you discover buddhism/Siddharta and just go on with your normal life afterwards? Didn't it make you wonder what life really is or is about?
That is a good question, and I often wonder about these things. Usually when I lay down at night I will think about them until I go to sleep. My coworkers frequently get stressed out about small things, and they always look at me like I'm weird because I just think its funny. I never take things serious and just smile and have a good time. In Siddhartha when he goes off into the woods with the shramanas and learns asceticism and cuts himself off from the world he discovers it was only a temporary fix. He had to go into the world and experience the pains of life first hand in order to eventually find true peace. I will say that I think the skills he developed are extremely important and at some point I would like to take about 6 months to a year and go live in a Buddhist monastery somewhere to really train and meditate full-time. For right now though I feel like I can make really good progress training on my own, and the experience of everyday life is the perfect training ground. When I experience something stressful or irritating I try to have a full experience of it and then I accept it with mindfulness and equanimity.
Great feel good story, glad it worked out for you! Poker should be that for most if not all of us, just something on the side and never the whole picture.
poker was never for me. but while i did not enjoy it, it gave me the personal freedom i always wanted. now i cant seem to even deposit a couple bucks just because i realized that its not for everyone, especially me. with others id understand why they love the game though and stick with it.
Amazing, was uplifting to read. v glad to hear mate
Last edit: 11/06/2012 05:08
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Xervean United States. Jun 11 2012 09:25. Posts 682
On June 11 2012 03:46 YoMeR wrote:
WE GOTTA MAKE A RUN AT THAT JUICE 25/50/100 PLO GAME AT THE RIO
lol I would be close to drawing dead in that game, having only played 2000 hands of PLO lifetime. However I would love to cheer you on from the rail!
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NewbSaibot United States. Jun 11 2012 09:27. Posts 4943
do you feel you can make a living at 2/5NL? Do you ever plan to quit your day job in lieu of poker?
bye now
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Xervean United States. Jun 11 2012 10:33. Posts 682
I could certainly make a living playing 2/5nl but to be honest I don't like being in the Casino's everyday and it really isn't a healthy lifestyle in the long run. Also being located in Oklahoma the 2/5 games only run 2-3 times a week and when it does its in the evening. I work during the day and get off at 4pm so it isn't necessary for me to quit my job to grind the 2/5. I have no interest in grinding live poker professionally.
Would I ever quit my job and give professional poker a try again? Probably not. I would only consider it if online poker was legalized and there was another boom like the party poker days and I had a 200-300k bankroll. But even then I can't see it being a long term thing. I know that the games would eventually start drying up and getting harder again. So I would be focusing on saving up a lot of money to invest in the future.
United Kingdom. Jun 11 2012 05:08. Posts 8665
