I'm struggling with this game. Maybe it's because I've been playing since I was 12 years old and have developed a bunch of bad habits since then. I'm not sure, but I know that I'm a losing poker player as of currently. I've really started putting in time, and concentrating about 3-4 months ago, and I cannot figure this game out. I "know" what to do, but I truly don't know what to do. I don't truly understand the actions in which I am taking, and could not explain them all of them effectively, and cogently to another person. My view of the game is quite incoherent, and thus this is extremely frustrating because I don't know what I am doing wrong, other than the obvious face that I know I am doing something wrong. I feel like I'm lost in the abyss trying to formulate a constructive point of view, but with utterly no success.
One thing I am not going to do is give up. I can't. I have the unwavering urge to improve, but I feel like I need some guidance/help.
Some study out of Harvard came up with 4 things that will lead to happiness and contentment:
- Time spent with people one cares about
- Helping others
- Exercise
- Being grateful
I know a guy who denigrated that and said who needs Harvard, his grandmother knew that. Maybe he is right. Maybe he resents education because he does not have any formal education and has illusions that everything can be learned "on the streets."
I bring it up because yesterday reminded me of it. I spent time with family and moved furniture all day. I had some toast and almond butter and bananas and coffee for breakfast. I had a nice shit. I had a panera salad for lunch. I ate some amazing chaana masala for dinner. I watched "The Green Room" and then went to sleep. That was it.
Nothing too exciting. Nothing too euphoric. I did not bang any dimes while doing cocaine and viagra but the day brought me serenity and contentment. The Amish might get it to some extent. In many ways no but getting together and building a barn and having a good meal that is a great day.
Now, I just sit in an empty house typing up a blog looking to fill up the hours. The existential spectre haunts me. I am not specifically thinking about death or the emptiness of the universe but I realize it is there, standing over me like the ghost of Christmas future. Well, at least I have groceries to get. Well, I can perhaps meet with those people there. I can take a shower and do my hair. A little bit of vanity can pass the time. It is so quiet. I long for the days of figuring out how to get that huge couch upstairs and breaking a sweat. Words of encouragement and high fives. Oh, I have a left over samosa. Nice. I need some more coffee.
Ahhh, coffee. A shit and some coffee this feels like a blank new page. I hit the reset button. Wrath of God, Armageddon. "Jesus will save us." Nope. Now, Jesus was a good man... decent mythology... No, I do not want to go down that road right now.
*RiKD plays another Armageddon*
I typically only have 1 shit in me and have a full coffee so what is a man supposed to do?
Magic was a great game. It probably still is. I really loved X-Men comics. I was not the biggest fan of the most recent X-Men movie. Sometimes I do not like to let my nerd side show so much but it is a part of me. I delivered pizzas to a games shop that were playing some sort of tabletop miniature wargame. The nerd was strong in there. More power to them it is probably time better spent than writing a bunch of shit in a blog but I remember thinking I am like a fake nerd to these guys. "X-Men LOL." "Magic LOL." Although I did briefly play Warhammer and painted all my guys but we built lands and played in my friend's basement. That game was expensive.
While writing this it did not feel like the house was empty. I was not thinking about the house. I was not thinking about anything except for what I was thinking. Thinking and writing. Thinking and writing.
Brag post: won $132k winning HPT STL vs BodogAriby matdon460, November 14
I won a Heartland Poker Tour $1650 in a suburb of St. Louis for $132k. I ran really hot and was overall satisfied with my play even though I got it in bad on the last hand against Ari. Even though I don't visit here much anymore, I want to give a shoutout to LP for helping my game a ton when I played a lot.
There's a live stream of the entire ft up at twitch.tv/hptpoker. It might air in edited form on some small regional sports stations eventually. Unfortunately, the live stream doesn't have hole cards because of Missouri gaming restrictions.
I figured firing off a blog would be more fun than going to a shitty 12-step abstinence based recovery meeting or watching New Girl. If anyone has any must watch TV Shows I might be interested. I am talking like The Wire good, Game of Thrones good. That is pretty good. I may have just opened up a can of worms. I do not really want to be overwhelmed with tv shows. What about Stranger Things? I hear good things.
On 12-step abstinence based recovery:
I am still a little surprised I went through with it. I really was that desperate. That broken. It is undeniable I have had a psychic change. The folks in the fellowship get testy if I say it was not God. It can be if I can define God. The loophole in the steps is that it is "God as you understand him." The literature is from 1939. It is based on the Oxford Group which was a Christian fellowship. Thank GOD that Carl Jung was involved. I would totally be down to experiment with shrooms plus therapy. Have a guided trip every 6 months or so and be good. Although I would still have to learn how to live. I am unsure if there can be as profound a psychic change on shrooms alone. Therapy guided MDMA. I would totally be down for that too. That might be able to solve anything.
On Trentemoller:
Trentemoller is great. Take me into your skin. The last resort.
I think about immigrating to Denmark a lot. Norway, Sweden, Germany, France, Canada, New Zealand. I think about it more now.
We will see though. I have been in a rut as they say. Things are looking up. I got some work. I have some renewed vigor in a more focused job search that makes more sense for me. This could all crash down like anything can crash down. I will always be drifting whether I am occupied in endeavors that distract me from that or not.
No You Girls - Trentemoller remix is another great song.
On (no you) girls:
I maintain having a great haircut and shoes is crucial... Crucial is a total exaggeration. It is weird how different things work for different people in different settings though. I would say those 2 things are universal though. Having a cool job, cool life, and cool place is obviously way more important (doh). It is all about being right sized though. Finding a good fit in some social spheres and matching up with some good fits. I have always found it is good to be a little different. Never conform to a social sphere. Just be who you are and sort of drift into that social sphere. Being in the right one is crucial. That is not an exaggeration.
On exercise:
I need to get some more exercise in. I feel so good. Endrophins: Feels Good Man. I been going to some muay thai. That is all well and good buy I am not the biggest fan of holding pads. I got front kicked in the nuts the other day and that was horrible. I think I might stick with it though. It is good training and some of the combo opportunities are pretty sweet. I am also eating too much. Like ton of pizza and 2 lbs of grapes. Overload on hummus and chips.
How awesome is Thom Yorke?
The White Flash ft. Thom Yorke - Trentemoller remix - Modeselektor
On LP Archives:
I got caught browsing through old posts on here. It was fun.
Aba joins CR!
Old school discussions on Jimmy Johns!
vino y verde y daft punk
That was revolutionary for me. Still probably my 3 favorite drugs. I can at least still use one of them.
The drama of the New Years 2008 thread.
The exceptionalness of the Looks or Game thread. What an odyssey. What a masterpiece.
Looking through there in some ways I have changed tremendously in many ways not that much at all. We were just a bunch of nerdy kids man just having a blast. At least I was. I think in many ways I still am that nerdy kid. I love coming here for distraction. My life is probably going better if I am not on here as much but that is subjective. It is hard to even judge when my life is going better or not. From my experience, it certainly can not be judged externally. It is also difficult to judge in the moment or looking back. Minds have a way of playing tricks. One day's truth is another day's delusion.
Trentemoller - Vamp
Oh my goodness. Rose McGowan in cat woman latex. Where to go from there? You be the judge.
Now, I can't get sultry images out of my mind. Biological urge to procreate + the nature of thought. Those themes seem to always make it into my blogs.
Fuck God, fuck government, fuck bitches, get money...
Fuck God, fuck government, fuck women, help people.
Just my thoughts. Not right now because that already happened. Right now.... damn. RIGHT NOW.... nope.
Just my thoughts at the time. Just my thoughts. Are they my thoughts?
Their are likely my brains thoughts. Ugh. Why did I start this. The brain fires, I have a thought. What makes the brain fire? What makes the brain fire in the way that it does to produce the thoughts that it produces?
I will end with Trentemoller - Miss You. Last resort.
Thank you if you are awesome. You lucky piece of... If you are not awesome I am here to help. Not sure how much help I can offer but I am here to help.
Important note if you have received an invite: Once you have invites to give out yourself, only give them to people you trust. Never sell or trade them. Your account can be disabled permanently otherwise.
Have a body? Wear clothes. Lots of clothes. Accessorize. Color coordinate. Go shopping. Whet your appetite.
Have a place to live? Fill it up with stuff! Home furnishings! Take a trip through the IKEA maze! Are there hayrides and pumpkins? Not yet.
Am I an untruth living hypocrite if I take money to further this cause?
I am not even meditating any more. I won't even go too much in depth into the thoughts because Sam Harris and buddhists and others have that shit down. I will say it was amazing in meditation to literally catch when a thought arises and watch it dissipate. So many times in life I have a thought and then like a flood of thoughts and I forget that they just happen and then they disappear. Many times thoughts are not real. They are perhaps based in some sense of reality but that does not make them true. How do we know if they are real and true? That is something I hope to work on. Maybe some of ya'll can help.
Took a look and discovered my last life update on here was two years ago today. Here is an overdue update.
Quite a bit has happened.
Activity:
Sleep - I sleep even more than I did before now averaging 7 hours 46 minutes per 24 hour period. My lucid dreams have decreased as I have not been putting in the effort to have them. I have been procrastinating on getting back to doing that, but I think I'm at a turning point in my life right now to move back towards good habits.
Physical exercise - I was doing well with this, exercising 2-3 times a week for about 3 years. I was just on the verge of having a 6-pack again. Unfortunately, for the last 7 months I've completely stopped and it's certainly one of the most important aspects of my life that needs to be revived.
Brain exercise - I've been learning piano using a number of online tools and have been considering getting an actual instructor for weekly lessons. I still do Anki, although not as frequently. So my efficiency on memorization of new items and even recall is less than optimal. I learned how to type one-handed with my left hand at about 40 wpm. I though the efficiency of not having to leave the mouse while I use my keyboard for certain applications such as spreadsheets would be worth it. I have discovered my actual use cases where it's more efficient to not type 100+ wpm using both hands are very few.
Drugs - I'm regularly addicted to caffeine only taking a break a couple times a year for 2-6 weeks. Nicotine I just couldn't get into on a regular basis. I find the benefits so short lived that I have to do it too frequently to be of value. Modafinil I still take on occasion for days I know will be particularly rough. I'd say my use of hallucinogens was at an all time high in 2015 and I've really come down from that this year. I don't really have an opinion on whether that's a positive/negative change.
Diet - I eat 4-5 meals a day. My diet has always been a weak point and I've successfully replaced almost all fast food meals with soylent to compensate. I've expanded my very limited and picky food choices to a larger set by forcing myself to try a large number of new foods or retry foods I had previously decided I didn't like. Most foods I didn't like, but some I did and my tolerance for different food in general is significantly wider.
Travel - This is a new category for me. I was and am very much a workaholic. Vacation and travel wasn't in my books very much, so a life change for me was realizing how important this truly is. Just this year I've traveled out of the country several times and even some new cities within the US. I've made a greater effort on exploration and leaving my comfort zone. Just a small amount of travel really does stretch your perception and understanding of just how tremendous a scope the world provides. This is something I plan on very much doing more of with a trip being planned for Japan and Korea in January.
I'll put Burning Man in this category as well. This year I attended my first one. I would say it was worth it and I am willing to go again, but I'm not sure if I would go out of the way to attend again.
Work - Since my last update I've had two companies that I have founded get acquired. One was for seven figures and the other for eight figures. In complete honesty, neither of them turned out anywhere close to the ideal or even slightly optimistic end result, but with the amount of rigorous work put in and the highly concentrated number of lessons I learned over the past 5 years I'm still proud. I feel very confident that my next ventures will be far more successful with the knowledge and skills that I've accumulated. I have ordered a Tesla Model S with all the nifty upgrades as a reward for myself.
I have one other company that I co-founded still in the works and rapidly growing which I have high hopes for as well.
Future
- Get back into a pattern of discipline and accountability where I exercise regularly, lucid dream more frequently, and do brain exercises every day.
- Become highly proficient at piano.
- The last two years I've played less and less poker during the WSOP. I enjoy playing still, but I no longer feel the urge to do so. I plan on playing the Main Event next summer, but if it seems at all like a chore I will likely give up poker.
- Figure out what my next company will be and then grow it using everything I've gained so far.
- Get to a billion
Feedback
- If anything since my last update, I've learned that for how intelligent and adaptable I think I am, I really know very little. I'll gladly hear out feedback. Especially from a community like this that is so centered on optimization.
So, one thing I have been thinking about. I got a pretty great haircut. Bravo to the stylist. A great haircut is one of those things that just seems to improve life. I feel better about myself, it feels like other people feel better about me in one of those continuous loops that seems to raise confidence and attractiveness. I think haircut and shoes are 2 things that really have a big impact. But, then I am thinking this is superficial. I am not my haircut. Am I really spending this time in the morning in the mirror. There is a life that we are all living though. And, in this life, there are things that matter to different people. So, I can understand the viewpoint that we are all energy and this energy may do this or that in our lifetimes and do this or that post our lifetimes. But, in this lifetime when that energy is contained by organs and flesh and bone and shoes, and coats, and haircuts and their are people that care about the symmetry of that flesh and bones and ...
Man, why are shoes sexy? Why? Are they a window to the soul? It's really crazy. Shoes and haircuts. I can't take shoes and haircuts with me but they do improve my life in my current reincarnation. Not that I believe in that I am just thinking in my mind on how I disagree with certain buddhists. Going the shoe and haircut route and exchanging some great eye contact and conversation with that spark for where could this go? No, no, no, just stay in that magical moment. Those eyes, those lips, that voice. Yet, it is also important not to fixate. I think that initial eye contact and feeling mutual attraction and eye dilation is setting off that dopamine. Best drug on the planet. But, is she smart? Is she funny? Is she as sweet as honey? The mystery is beautiful. Why would I give that up for robes and meditation? I can still meditate. Fucking as meditation... No, no no no, I mean yes but no. I have to watch it when I mix drugs as meditation. Dopamine. Flow.
That is another thing I was thinking about. I have a past that haunts me. I have facts about myself that haunt me. One of my good friends was telling me one day about how the goal is to get acceptance with everything. EVERYTHING. Freedom comes in not being haunted by anything from the past. I think one of the reasons I am feeling good today is that I am ok with a lot of my past. Not ok enough to just air it all out on the internet but ok with it. It comes back and stabs me sometimes. Especially if I think in terms of "well, what if x, y, or z would know about that" and I get tight again. But, acceptance is not a permanent state from my experiences.
I don't know why I obsess about the who is me aspect. Branding, and marketing has had such a pronounced effect in my life unconsciously and sub-consciously. I think it is good to be aware of this.
Getting back into jiu jitsu is always a positive. It makes me humble. It makes me humble to realize I am made up of joints and carotid arteries. I am vulnerable. In this reincarnation I am vulnerable. I can easily get injured or die. I do not know what will happen after that. I do know serenity is available in this consciousness. Another thing BJJ does is it makes me more confident in my ability to handle myself. So, yes, I am really vulnerable and this body is not the best of armor against the powers of the universe which is humbling. But, I do have a lot of practice in battles "to the death," I am in pretty good shape. Being in shape and handling oneself are both positive attributes in any tribe.
I also just wanted to add that I currently live with my parents and am somewhat unhappily driving Uber to cover expenses and it is disheartening that I do not really like driving Uber and that that income will not get me out of my parents' home + covering expected expenses. These are some things that haunt me. I am honest with everyone about these things including women I am attracted to and I would say my life is definitely better as the result of honesty. Living with my parents definitely hurts my chances with women but being honest about that fact does not, if that makes sense.
I am unsure if I want to go down a more machine learning engineer route, go back to school for a philosophy PhD, go back to school to become a therapist, or just continue driving Uber and applying to jobs I am just not all that excited about. There are certainly some other options that is just what came to mind at this moment.
hmmmm, that might be it for now. Time to click post, no edits, fuck it.
Unfortunately, my break from blogging was longer than I initially anticipated. In the early March I got pretty bad cold, 2 weeks completely taken out of my life. The game during that period was a total disaster, I broke even at best. I felt terrible physically, which in turn led to horrid concentration, despite regularly performing my start-up routine. Add the DS period to the equation, and we have the recipe for a catastrophe.
The 'Don't try this at home' sort of deal ;]
Recent months saw a major improvement, my game was finally back on the right track. My performance is still a bit poorer than expected, however considering my condition in the second half of February and in March, I'm really satisfied that I managed to 'lift up' my game, once again.
Still, the element which continues to lag behind is the volume. In the beginning of the year I was capable of playing 85 hours, and I was on course to reach 1000 hours of playing which was the goal for 2016. Sadly, month after month, it only got worse. From May until August my time spend on poker averaged 47 hours i.e. two times lesser than the pace I should have kept in order to reach my target.
There were several factors which brought this about. I was undoubtedly hit by burn-out, partially caused by weariness with the game, and variance, but also the worries about the process of changing the place of residence. At this point I can I say that I endured and most of the stuff has been dealt with, and in a few days time I will be able to move to a new apartment. I really hope that it will be the stimulus to finally get back to playing the satisfying amount of hours.
In spite of some improvements, my game is surely not at the level I would like it to be. I believe that in April-August period I played 4-5bb poker (closer to 4), while I do think that I can win with wr 6-8, especially on NL400+. Lamentable as it is, I still make way too many simple mistakes and switch to autopilot too often. According to my calculations 90% of those errors result from the bad mindset and different forms of tilt, and only 10% comes from the tactical know-how shortcomings.
Mission mass-building
I'm really happy about the progress I made in the gym. 3 months of training at medium intensity combined with a 3500 kcal diet allowed me to gain almost 7 kilos. I need 10 kilos more to reach my goal, though I'm taking a short break for now - because of the relocation and the well-deserved holidays.
What's more, the pain in the lower back which I suffered from over the last few months disappeared altogether. Squats with kettlebells and other exercises for the lower back done regularly made all the problems go away.
As they say, a sound mind in a sound body.
Another post coming soon. About living in the United Kingdom, and the biggest change in my poker career. Stay tuned!
While I'm proud of the results, I am ashamed of the volume. A paltry 711 hours for an entire year, which translates to roughly 25k hands, or about what some of you probably put in a month. What happened? Well a few things. For starters there is definitely a basic work ethic problem here. Quite simply I am a lazy person and was essentially doing the bare minimum at all times. 2 hours sessions, 4 hours if I'm lucky, going in 3-4 times per week, that sorta thing. Some of it was onset by MUBS (Monsters Under the Bed Syndrome), a result of one too many bad beats putting me in a psychological funk whereby I am scared of the next suckout, so I just leave early and dont even play some days. Despite my winrate I was under constant fear that it might all come crashing down, so I kept "quitting while I'm ahead".
I was also paranoid that if I failed to meet my monthly nut that I would spiral downward into bustoland as I became paranoid about my ability to self-sustain from poker, so whenever I would hit 4-5k/month I'd just "quit on a high note" sort of thing. I knew from the beginning this would be a recipe for disaster because I was basically making only what I needed to pay the bills without saving anything behind. I set myself up for failure by having to consistently show profit every single month without having any downswings. But when you're on a paperthin bankroll any losing month is going to crush your confidence so you always feel the need to look like you had a winning month.
Finally the third biggest culprit was simply living way outside of my means. I recognized that earning 4k/month tax free was the equivalent of having a 75k salaried job without taxes, so I lived as such. I bought a sportscar, semi-luxury apartment, bunch of furniture and stuff to decorate, and of course dropped a lot on pussy. I met this girl while I was down here and in an attempt to impress her I just overspent on dates and stuff. I was paying $125 every 3 weeks to get her hair done, going out to dinner like 5x a week, bought her some clothes and boots and stuff, and even owned 2 cars for awhile to let her drive my spare.
How did I do all of this on 32k? Easy, credit cards. I've always had good credit so I had about 35k or so available to "spend", and spend it I did. Basically every single bill went on credit to preserve my bankroll. I always kept 10k in the bank just in case. Well that "just in case" moment has come knockin. Now that my credit cards are maxed and I finally went on a nice breakeven stretch I've had to tap the roll for finances. As a result I now only have 5k left to my name and have had to cease playing live poker.
What does one do with 35k debt, 5k in cash and no job? Well he goes bankrupt obviously. My next step from here is one of 3 things. I'll either stay unemployed in FL long enough to declare bankruptcy and get a normal job, spend the last of my roll on a shitty used car and get a roommate to slash expenses. Hopefully instead of needing 4k/month I will get down to about 2k/month which I think almost any job can cover. However I'm not quite sure if I can rebuild a roll on such limited income. If not, then I will probably move back home and live with the parents for a few months to avoid paying any rent at all, get a job there and try to save up another 10-15k within half a year or so and take a shot again, except this time I'll do things right. I guess I needed a good kick in the ass to recognize what it takes to actually live as a poker player. While my volume is low I think it's safe to say I'm beating these games and should continue to pursue the endeavor. Maybe I wont be at $40/hr after the next few years but surely $25 or so would be a good estimate for a very modest average minded player such as myself.
In the meantime I have one last trick, and thats to try playing online a little. You see I play 2/5 live, and I'm not sure 2/2 is beatable with rake/tips/gas/food etc. However with Ignition poker accepting bitcoin transfers I might be able to take a shot at NL50-NL100 and earn enough to survive the bankruptcy process while paying for rent and food until I lose my car and get all my debts cleaned. I've really enjoyed my time as a poker "pro" and would only continue if I was a proven winner. I just need to be a responsible winner. The good thing about bankruptcy is that it's actually probably a pretty good time in my life for it at the moment. I'm 35 now and the red flag this will put on my credit will last 10 years. I'm in a position right now where I shouldnt really need loans of any sort. I dont plan on buying a home and will learn to live with a modest car instead of something flashy. As a poker player all other bills should be paid in cash anyway so this will more or less keep me on track. I literally wont even be able to get approved for a credit card for the first 2-3 years probably anyway, at which point I'd have to go through the tedious process of rebuilding my credit score through secured micro transactions and such, but that's all fine. I kinda dont even want credit cards again since they are the devil Most people in this world would be better off without them in the first place.
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Most people in this world would be better off without them in the first place. 
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