We will die. A shit ton of pallets just got dropped off at the store that I am responsible for getting processed. It never ends. That's why we must enjoy the present because we really don't know how the future will go. I think that is what I am dissapointed in. I'm not really enjoying the present. So, when the shit hits it feels worse. I'm doing my best to hang in there. I take creatine and lift weights. I was actually thinking about going down to the Friday night AA group. The problem is I had a panic attack going over a bridge the other month and I am petrified to go over bridges now. Just my fucked up mental illnesses.
I feel like I am at a standstill with collaborative ai art. I can't produce anything with paint at home and once I got good with prompts for simple text to image stuff there is not a whole lot to do there that is interesting. Stage 2 would be to learn code and machine learning but that seems like a giant leap.
I started a new video game today. Nier:Automota. Has potential.
There's not really a whole lot going on it seems. Work is tediuos and it is a shame I have to spend so much time there. I think on the bright side it keeps my Bipolar more stable. I lift weights and take creatine which also keeps me stable. I play the guitar and sing. I'm learning "Hold On, Magnolia" this week. A bit of a tricky one for me just on first playthrough. I have been reading a lot of Seneca. That guy gets it for the most part. It's crazy he wrote all those letters in 63-65 AD.
Yeah, so there is not really that much to reflect on I suppose at the moment or at least it doesn't feel that way. I mean there is the whole fact that I will die and I want love and connection. I'm really craving it. I think a lot of people do but today a lot of people are not equipped or not willing or not able to go out and have meaningful connection. I have experienced meaningful connection in my past so I don't think I am drawing dead but there are Hikkimoris and NEETs and whatever else there may be. But, that's really what I was thinking like.... In the future, I will die. So, that is scary. I sit down to play my video games and I get a text that the truck dropped off 10 pallets. That can scuff up the ole disposition a little bit. But, it's not like I have any control over these events. Well, I have some control. I can lower the risk of dying. We can strategically process the 10 pallets for better outcomes. And, since these events suck I really need to enjoy the present and not worry which I am not doing. That is the key. Enjoying the present and not worrying. My scheduled shift is tomorrow and not tonight and there is not really anything more to be done than just processing the damn thing like we know how to process it. I shouldn't waste anytime hoping that it will go away or disapear. There is no hope with out fear and no fear without hope. Take refuge in philosophy.
It seems to me as if the world is getting saturated with AI very fast and faster and faster. I feel like I am falling behind but it might not matter. I don't think I have a natural interest in it besides AI Art and even then it doesn't go beyond asking ChatGPT how to do AI Art which seemed like it could be some work. Not as easy as painting or drawing for sure. A lot of people saying in the world of AI taste is the new skill. Well, I hope so because taste is about the only skill I have and it doesn't do me much good today. I go to work, I come home, I read Seneca. We are living in a crazy time right now. I almost need a Diablo 4 to escape for a while. 90 seconds 'til Doomsday? I'm already attached to my AI DJ on Spotify. I would love self-driving cars. I don't even know what is capable. What does everyone else think?
Purpose, identity, and authenticity are big words. I have to find a purpose or not I suppose. That's what THEY tell me. Who is THEY?
I have to find a purpose or not I suppose.
What is identity?
Everyone is always searching for authenticity. I don't think it can be gotten from the external. As Roderick says if I want to wear all black and go off to the beat poetry spots THEY'LL just start selling black t-shirts. What if my most authentic self is lying naked in my bed reading a novel?
Well, it probably is for that time but I don't want to do that all the damn day! And, then what novel am I reading and why? Did THEY tell me about the spine tingling novel I'm reading?
I eventually have to put on clothes. I gravitate towards the Fear of God sweatpants, the Issey Miyake t-shirt, and New Balance sneakers. Of course, I didn't know about these things when I was a baby or age 3. I've never met someone who even knows what Fear of God or Issey Miyake is. It was funny in high school we were all drones. At least the ones whose parents had money. Birkenstock sandals, Abercrombie and Fitch cargo pants, and Polo golf shirt from the outlet mall just outside of the city. I can remember that feeling of wanting to fuck everyone in the world. Probably, because I still get that feeling that I want to fuck everyone in the world.
PuertoRican is right though. I have to get myself to the Italian Coast or Japan or something.
Oh yeah, I started drawing again. Thanks to a friend continuing to give me the nudge. It's not painting but it's still pretty fun.
I went and saw some Rodin sculptures today too. First, time seeing them live outside of Paris. Meaning first time seeing a lot of them in a museum. I didn't go to the Rodin Museum in Paris but Paris is so gangster that they have Rodin sculptures scattered through out the city. They had some nice gardens there too. I love this time of year when the azaleas are in full vivid bloom.
I am 1 of 1. I don't have to try to be 1 of 1. I am 1 of 1. Nothing external will change that. I don't need anything to be authentic. It gets complicated because I am in this space with other people and I have to wear clothes. I really should engage in personal hygiene. It is wise to have hobbies and figuring out things to do. How many people have an active blog to a viewership of about 20 lurkers? HA! It gets more complicated when we start worrying about the advertisements and media and the lot of 'em try and tell us what will make us "cool," "well liked," "fuckable." The basis to that conundrum is to have a core of strong character and ethics. I think that is the play that truly wins. It allows me to be comfortable with myself and others. Even though as Trent Reznor says, "I will let you down, I will make you hurt." That is a scary feeling. A scary notion. It is true for probably everyone. Forgive me. I shit. I piss. I bleed.
On another tangent I was listening to the NIN live concert from after The Fragile but before With Teeth. All his fans love being called pigs. If you actually listen to the songs pig is a major pejorative and they just mindlessly cheer and cheer louder. A pig is a submissive little piggy that will eat shit and love it. Sorry, Mr. Reznor, kindly fuck off.
But, see this is what I am talking about. A whole crowd of humans cheering that they are submissive little piggies eating cum and rolling around in shit. THE HERD as Nietzsche would call it even though most NIN fans would probably think they are super edgy and authentic for listening to NIN. They are super edgy and different who obediently buy their NIN t-shirts and other merch manufactured by THEY TM. I don't identify as a pig but I do have a NIN shirt and NIN cds. "Shut up and buy" as Maynard says on "Hooker with a Penis."
It's really a mindfuck to get too caught up in our influences but I think we need to be vigilant in a way at staying away from the wrong influences. I am 1 of 1. That is something I can remember. I don't need any company to define me... but these Fear of God sweatpants are dope as fuck.... Issey Miyake is IT........ I am glad I can afford non-Goodwill clothing. I could of course go off and be a farmer in Thailand and wear thrift store clothes and build mud huts but I actually couldn't because I don't have the start-up money. Actually, I do have the start-up money I just don't want to risk it on that venture. No monastery will accept me because of my Bipolar 1. I don't have a lot of options and I think the options get smaller as I get older. I don't have to be in a witness protection program. I am not actually a witness whose life is in danger. I've just been living in my cocoon. I get validated at work. It would be nice to get validated outside of work. And, obviously, trust and intimacy only go so far at work too.
Now that my honest motives are known or so I think they are.
I want to be a good person with a good soul.
I want to be able to live with myself.
I want a relationship with an Other.
I could go on Hinge but that is a responsibility. I have to get all the right pictures and all of that. I don't have one good picture on my phone. It's a lot of time and effort and if it fails it can really shake my confidence that I am slowly building up.
I've been alright. I'm up to doing all of the duties of a proper manager and the pressure is on. I found myself immersed in an online shopping binge today / tonight. Feels like I'm backsliding a bit and it also feels like I've left no where to turn. AA is an accepting bunch though which is a good thing. The online shopping bender could also be a symptom that I am going a bit manic. Tough to tell at this stage. I really didn't want to be posting on here tbh but it is a last resort. Am I lacking spiritually? Whatever that means? I took a nice walk on the beach today and felt the breeze and watched the birds. I got in a lift. I went mental shopping online. If I had more going on I don't think I go quite as mental. As always I need connection / intimacy. Do I need a pink velvet double breasted blazer? Is that going to fill up the hole in my soul? Well, probably not.
The way out is through. When Trent Reznor's grandmom who raised him died he was shattered, depressed, stricken with writer's block. He realized the way out is through.
I recently got promoted to a manager position at the ole job. I realized today I should probably read something about management and leadership. There is a bit of a testing out period to see what I am going to be like. Today, everyone worked pretty hard and we got a lot done. In a way though I am not some high level executive at Google. I am a middle manager in retail. Something I NEVER ever thought I would be. I was avoiding it like the plague. The thing is I know most of the jobs are tedious. I've done them all to some degree in the whole store. One thing I think I can offer is some semblance of autonomy. To a degree I can offer mastery but who really gives a shit about master stocking and re-stocking product? I can't really offer them some purpose either. It's some place to be. It's typically not that bad but yeah the work is tedious and banal. We are just trying to sell more product so the CEO and shareholders are happy. I guess my job is to motivate and influence people to feel better about working.
I feel like some books would help me. It's a tricky one. I googled "Best management and leadership" books and the first one is from lifehack.com. Top 20 books in an article written by some self-anointed entrepreneur that... basically, who is this guy? I try Reddit. It's just a lot of noise and information travelling FAST. I just want one book that I can read pretty quickly to see what these people are saying. Hopefully, this book also cites other books that perhaps are worthwhile.
Does anyone have a book suggestion or if you have any management / leadership experience what are your 2c?
It's the new year. I got 1 strength training session in. I am not relatively strong but I gave it hell. I've mostly been playing Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare II Campaign recently. Really gets the Transcendence and flow going. I'm turning into some bro. CoD and Swole bro. It makes me think about things though. I am vicariously trying to be this special forces person. The mission when I was virtually a drone and airstrike guy I started tearing people up with the 25mm and 40mm ammo and dropping missiles on gas stations and schools and had fun doing it. I think this is why the Army recruiters were selling me that I could come down to the recruiting center and play CoD with the boys whenever I wanted. I wonder how much involvement the military has in the making of these games.
That's something to live for. Not dying in war.
I have to say I feel pretty good after my first training sesh. We will see how I feel tomorrow. I just have to make it a habit because it's just so incredibly good for mental health and confidence.
It's one piece of being a Viking in real life unlike Valheim where I am a keyboard and mouse warrior...
I am sitting here alone listening to the blues and posting on LP. I could say something like I would not rather be anywhere else but obviously that is silly. Certainly, around this time is a time for reflection and a time for strategizing. My New Year's Resolution is Talk is Cheap Mother Fucker! Progress is the only thing that matters.
I feel that it is time to abandon the Looks or Game Part II blog / thread. I am just gaming nowadays anyways. I am gaming a lot. Probably, Valheim, Hades, Slay the Spire, Ori and the Will of the Wisps, Tetris, Elden Ring, Red Dead Redemption, World of Warcraft, Diablo II... in that order. That seems like kind of a lot of stuff to be playing. I am playing my guitar too. Un-rustifying myself. I think my teacher was surprised where I was at last week since I said I kind of fell off over the holidays. But, it turns out just practicing the fundamentals for a while is good practice and I hit it a bit harder these last 2 weeks. I am currently playing Heavy Soul by The Black Keys.
That's it I guess. Work is going fine. I run into problems when I want something more than just gaming but I can typically blot out the consciousness with the selection of games I have going. I don't know if it's that much different from getting stoned or blasted on wine and cognac or whiskey. Except my liver is thankful. If gaming is what I need to do to stay clean / sober and not lose my mind I'm not too concerned by it. Kind of similar to these blog posts.
It's kind of crazy how Christmas snuck up on me this year. It seems like just yesterday I was starting out at this job which is almost a year ago. Before we know it it will be the New Year and time for more reflection. No partying for me this year and I am not even going to try. Just some peace and quiet finally. Imagine if I put myself up to some challenges in real life as I do in the video games?
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