sup

I turned 34 today. I have celebrated by going to a therapist appointment, picking up my car in the shop, paying a $600 car bill, and then coming home to have some lunch and then finally to have a wank to r/gonewild. I think it's more interesting just to look at and observe. I feel a similar feeling to when I eat a fast food burger and fries with a huge sweet tea. Which I haven't done in two months which is pretty good. So, I am still trying to get outside myself and looking for instant gratification. I really want to do shroom therapy. I wish that was more of a thing.

So, my relationship with AA and the people in AA seems like a tenuous one. My therapist recommended that I go to different recovery like something called Refuge Recovery. She also suggested that I volunteer in something I am passionate about. The first thing that came out of my mouth was homeless people and addicts. I think that is probably true. Why not attempt to help some of the people that have been beaten down and battered by the system? Does anyone on here volunteer? I would be interested in the possibilities.

I ate so much chocolate cake last night it feels like I gained 5 lbs. I wouldn't say my campaign to drop some body fat is hopeless but it certainly could be going better. Also, when I went for a run I acquired hideous shin splints and had to stop running at about 2 miles in. On the bright side the cardio wasn't an issue so that is good. I was running pretty slow though. Hopefully, the shin splints subside but I am not sure why they would unless I change something.

I don't get controlled or dominated at work so that is good. A part of me longs for more meaningful work though. I know we probably don't want to go down this road as we have been already it's just something that came to my mind and something I have to remedy. Volunteering could potentially help with this problem. I still need something that is going to cover rent, food, car expenses, dental work, etc etc etc. I was really doing pretty well until I ran over a nail and went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. I had first and last month's rent with a security deposit but my current income just can't cover it. I guess I just have to accept that and put in the work to likely improve the situation or don't and continue to live with my parents. We have almost certainly been through this before. How does it feel to be 34 and living with my parents? If I remove the ego it really isn't that bad.

Connecting with people sounds so easy on paper but it is actually pretty damn difficult to do.

Do I have hope in my future? I really don't know. I think I might be getting a little depressed and I have been dealing with anxiety. It fucking sucks. Life is hard sometimes.

Wow, what an uplifting birthday post.

I am at a turning point. I am stuck in Charleston, SC. I do not have the funds to move somewhere anytime soon. So, I make the best of it and attempt to make it home or at least an understanding that it is a base and I need the training here. Or, I just drift miserably through life as if this place is a prison or purgatory. The hardest part about depression and anxiety is that it hinders connection. Connection is the last fucking thing you want to do but reconnecting in certain areas are the only anti-depressants that actually work.

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I just finished this book and it was ok. Basically, reconnect to people, meaningful work, meaningful values, do shrooms and meditate, overcome trauma, etc. A lot of what the book was saying is that the social constructs of our world create depression and anxiety. There is a reason we are depressed and anxious and it is because of the world around us. So, it's a tough one because a lot of this stuff is kind of far fetched. One guy was miserable working in a hierarchical bike shop so he started his own bike shop collective. Everyone was happier. Stories like that are great but not always transferrable. Things like avoiding advertising or just understanding that the chase for material goods and status may only bring more depression and anxiety. Another far fetched one was shroom therapy. I would love shroom therapy and I am actually going to ask my psychiatrist about it the next time I talk to her but I am not a good candidate because of my mania unfortunately (I asked my last psychiatrist). Just going out and buying a bunch of shrooms and tripping by myself doesn't seem to have the same therapeutic value as a trip led by an expert.

It actually isn't that easy (for me) to connect with people here. I have met some cool people in AA. The thing about AA is most of those folks believe that a God is controlling their will and they can manipulate that with prayer and are pretty adamant about it. It can be kind of tough to fit in at a deeper level when I hold pretty much atheist compatibilist views. We have so much more in common than that difference but it just seems like that difference is basically the foundation of AA. I can feel the depression and the anxiety coming on a little bit as I sleep more and my days consist mostly of going to work and isolating at home. Jiu jitsu cures all (except injuries accrued through jiu jitsu).

I am getting to know the people down there at the BJJ gym. It helps that it is a smaller gym. Sometimes I worry I am losing respect as a training partner because I am so bad. One guy said we should pick up the pace but he doesn't understand I may not have that pace in my repertoire. Eh, I mean it's all ego killing. Anytime I enter the mats I am vulnerable. My ego is going to be hurt in some way. I think it is good for me.

Overcoming addiction to the self. Sometimes I get the urge to write blogs like this. Just to kind of formulate my thoughts or whatever. Looking back the practice seems a little self-obsessed but I am really just trying to get through some things, maybe grow as a person, or figure something out. I don't know if it accomplishes that or anything. I am just trying to reconnect to what I can reconnect to. Depression and anxiety is no fun. Addiction is no fun.

In AA one of the parts of the "illness" is the "spiritual malady" which in the book they basically describe as a lack of God but from my experiences that malady is basically depression and anxiety. Alcohol is an anti-depressant for as long as it works but what we need is this reconnection that Johann Hari is talking about.

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So, I have been training BJJ a bit heavier recently. Really good training. Coach pushes me very well. I am starting to realize my weak point is cardio and weight so it makes sense to add some cardio workouts and make sure to keep the diet relatively clean. I developed some tendinitis in my left arm getting arm locked and lifting heavy weights so that is another reason to back off a bit on the weights. I was definitely overtraining a bit. I don't necessarily feel it during workouts but afterwords I have to be pretty disciplined in icing my elbow joint. I want to experiment with CBD. I also miss marijuana. I went on a nice walk today in nature with my dog and would have loved just a couple of hits or so off of a joint of good weed. Listen to some Erykah Badu or Enya or some Marley. Relax after a tough training session with a volcano and some Planet Earth. I think it would be great to roll on a light dose of edibles as well.

I had a dream last night that I was going to live in the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. I watched a House Hunters International in Chile and Costa Rica. I just have a feeling I need to get to some mountains, rivers, and lakes and potentially beaches all within a bike ride or even a long hike. A 15-20min drive in my Subaru Forester would be acceptable as well. Where I am at now just feels like a base where I am building myself. Building myself for what exactly? What's the difference. I feel like I am at Richard 10.4 and this is just what I am supposed to be doing right now. Distancing myself a bit from the hardcore AA crowd while still having some presence. Sticking with Jiu Jitsu and getting into great shape. Building more and more connections. Quality connections. Giving myself more opportunity in potential meaningful work. Building more trust at work so I have more freedom. I don't want to get too carried away with the writing right now so I need to groom and go out to lunch. Peace.

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Here I go again. I just spent all day with an old friend and I am stuck at the hotel... but am I really stuck at the hotel? There is nothing better to do usually always means THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER TO DO! But, in all seriousness I can't be bothered thinking about what else I could be doing. I already played that game. It is rainy and miserable outside. I wanted to climb a mountain today! Give me a rock. I'll beat that puss Sisyphus up the hill like you wouldn't believe. With a smile on my face. This is part of the hike. The part where I just write for a really long time. Turn back now. There is nothing to see here folks.

On busyness, on what is the optimal path:

You know, my friend was talking about when he lived in Chicago how fast paced everything was. He had to be out doing stuff. He could not say no and today he mentioned about spending all day yesterday just knocking out things on his to do list. What is more valuable? I suppose it's about priorities. What if I like being out with friends? What if I want to get stuff done for the betterment. The betterment of what?



We went to a coffee shop and sat at the bar. I had a white tea. We talked about direct reports, my alcoholism, marriage, stress, stress relief, what is the good life? What is the good life?

Fight clubs and art and hurricane romance...

Fight clubs and art and hurricane romance

Maybe that can quell the bossman's oppression. A hike in nature. An intense roll. Anna Karenina. I am like a broken record.

What if we all decided not to pay taxes? If it was a pay what you want affair. Everything open sourced. Affairs handled by smaller networks. No borders, no boundaries. What if we all decided not to go to work tomorrow?



One of the bummers in life is that not everything is going to be some great transcendental experience. I just ate dinner with my parents. We had virtually nothing to catch up about. They went to tour some decadent mansion (Biltmore) while I spent the day catching up with a great friend with some really stimulating conversation. The reason I didn't go to the mansion is that it repulses me and I have no interest yet I had to sit through dinner hearing all about the details of the place. The food was good. The food was interesting. The things we humans do to fancy ourselves. I had a chile relleno filled with butternut squash over a curried lentil with a chutney sauce. Does that turn people on? How do I relive the good parts of today? Seek out all my old college buddies and do lunch? It is the addict in me. It is the restlessness in me. I want action and I want relief when I want it. And, I don't want to sit and meditate. I didn't train today. I didn't train yesterday. I am building for a massive deadlifting session to L'enfant Sauvages. It is the heaviest matter in the universe. I will be fine tomorrow morning when I am hiking mountains. Wake up at dawn or so, have a little breakfast with some coffee and get back to the forests where I need to be. Shinrin yoku is the Japanese art of forest bathing. Yes, I wish to bathe in forests. I want to get really good with firearms too. It almost seems like it is a weird time to just want to get really good with firearms but I feel like it is something to do.



I refuse to watch Netfix or play video games but listening to music and just typing my thoughts seems rather perverse. Where is this going? I wouldn't be here if there was stuff to comment on about order and chaos and competence and dominance hierarchies or something else. I have to let my food settle before I can lay down and read. I just had a thought that jumping out of my 4th floor room window would put an end to it all. It would wouldn't it but I want to wake up and have that coffee and go on that hike.

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Who knows about title. I just wanted to share I slayed it in the gym tonight. Back workout to White Zombie and Pantera. I was a bit stronger than I thought I would be but I am far away from the 500+ rack pulls from the shin, and 120 lb DB Rows for 12 reps I used to crush. I am too nervous to try pull ups. I am scared I won't even be able to do 1 and I used to hang weight for reps. I am feeling good though. I have my creatine and protein coming in the mail. It really is all about consistency and discipline though. I can't get it all back in a day. It's fun though. It gives me something to do. Picks me up. I don't have to stress over Gemini taking forever to validate my account and my Trezor wallet not working. But, here I go off to coincap to check everything again....

Anyways....

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Happy New Year everyone!

It feels pretty good. I was just comfortable and relaxed in my bed all morning. I am not hungover. I didn't leave the house yesterday except for to buy pizza and then decided I would begrudgingly go to a detox and speak to some drunks and drug addicts. My sponsor called this morning and asked what my plan was. I have just really been into cryptocurrencies recently. I may also look to transfer to another restaurant. I was in an Uber and the driver worked at this French bistro which sounded awesome. It is owned by 2 Culinary Institute of America graduates and I love French cooking. Hell, I still consider driving Uber again.

I need to buy some cereal. It sucks when it is just one thing but the grocery store is less than 5 min. away.

One thing I wanted to mention was that I am tinkering around with Steemit. If anyone is on there let's follow each other. I think I am going to have to change my blogging style there for sure. If you haven't been able to tell I kind of just like typing away with whatever is on my mind on here where as there it seems everyone is obsessed about value. I don't know. The site said it was wise to just comment on stuff but I haven't really had any of the trending or hot topics pique my interest.

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I am in an airport writing this blog and people watching. This place is packed. I don't want to snort cocaine or shoot heroine. I had a good time with my family. I could also duck out and read some Foucault or watch a Corey Anton video on YouTube. It was fun talking to my brother-in-law about cryptocurrencies. I heard the McAfree guy predicted bitcoin would be at $1,000,000 by 2020. I am definitely going to start tinkering around finding some alternative coins that I like.

All in all it was a pretty good trip though. Laid back for sure. I was in a onesie for a day and a half. That or sweatpants the whole trip. It was good seeing my family. It felt like I didn't talk to my brother all that much. I was mostly hanging out with my sisters. I stayed at my sister's because my sister-in-laws brother got drunk and threw a fit that he was not getting the room with the queen size bed so I just said whatevs and slept on my sister's couch. Dude is definitely a problem drinker having a hard time with life. There is a standing offer to go to AA meetings but after Roderick it is almost like what's the point. The point is having a worthwhile project of helping people and making friends. I have a desire not to drink and that is all I need for membership. Now, whether I will "belong" or not is another story.

My flight is delayed an hour so that is just one less hour of sleep I will get so far. We'll see. We will see. We will see is all I can say many times in life.

Women in yoga pants with pronounced buttocks. I can't help it if the eye is drawn to such objects.

I packed my damn headphones in the checked back. Fuck.

I don't know if there is anything I want to discuss. "Discipline and Punish" by Foucault but I am not really far enough into it. I changed my mind on it. The history of the modern soul is a pretty fascinating topic.

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I wrote a too long blog post last night and did not title it and clicked post and lost it. Probably for the better. I have a feeling this is some form of addiction, habit, routine. I appreciate the feedback. It feels like I am inching forward.

So, yesterday I worked close to close fueled by caffeine, anxiety, and adrenaline. I was speed making everything all day. In a way it was kind of fun. I enjoy cutting onions, peppers, mozzarella, et al. It is fun to see how fast I can go without cutting myself. I have a night's sleep under my belt now I don't feel as worried about what will happen when I am not there. We have been getting slammed recently most likely due to the holidays and I was barely keeping us afloat and I am not sure if the new guy can keep up. The restaurant may just run out of food too because the owner did not buy enough. I guess these are problems out of my control. I am going on vacation to visit family for a handful of days and would like to enjoy it. One thing about yesterday is I was all amped up thinking about ways I could incorporate speed into my day. Caffeine half life is too small and I don't like having to drink coffee or energy drinks all day. I was thinking of starting to do coke. Then I am in the bathroom every 30 min. lol. Adderall might be the play. I am trying to lose a bit of weight too so if I don't eat that is all the better.

Grimes - Visions is a good album.

So, we are cosmically insignificant. Cosmically nothing. So close to zero it might as well be zero but why does this music effect me so? Why does this Monet make my soul sing?

I feel a kinship to Basquiat. Frantically going from one thing to the other look for some opium to quell the demons. The negative structures of life. When my drinking was at its worst in Shittown, IN I was slightly psychotic for months. I covered my apartment in journals, poetry, philosophy, artwork, whatever. When my dad came out when I went into the psych ward he threw all of that away no questions. I still may have a resentment about that. It doesn't really matter. I really have yet to find my stride. Sometimes it feels like I am settling in many parts of my life. Sometimes I feel like I put too much pressure on myself to get something, to get somewhere. Is my job good enough for now or am I cheating myself by not getting something "better"? I am slowly meeting quality people. That is all I can really ask for. Things to think about.

I am really liking this Willow - F Q-C #8

Just grab your neighbor's hand and get comfortable. Just as long as I don't have to say a Lord's Prayer.

Sometimes I feel like a rat in a cage. Where is the Rat Fun Park? Paris, patios, and picnic tables. I met a student from Paris once and he said students get into the Luvre for free. He would go everyday. That is heaven. Not this stuff they talk about in the Lord's Prayer. I mean there is no evidence for anything as far as I know. I think it is a bit tougher to think about just dying and ceasing to exist. IMMORTALITY is what we all dream about. Would we even want that if it were possible? Does death add to life? I know I get more of a thrill out of driving really fast because I might crash and get injured or die.

Alright, I should start packing.

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Lana Del Rey:

My Pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola.

In the land of Gods and Monsters,
I was an angel,
Looking to get fucked hard.

I love this woman. I just wanted to share those two but I am back listening to the Born to Die/Paradise deluxe album. I find I like Lust for Life as well. Have never got into Ultraviolence or Honeymoon as much. I may just be sleeping on those.

Finished the quick intro to Morin and am excitedly waiting for On Complexity in the mail. I don't know what I am doing next. I may finish The Communist Manifesto by Marx or start some Freud. I figure I should finish those 2 before getting to the Postmodernists. Then I will probably go Foucault, Derrida, Baudrillard. Or, I might just read Morin. There is also Tree of Knowledge just hanging out at the moment. I will of course turn to Money by Martin Amis when I want something a bit lighter.

I am a secular extrovert. I am not sure what secular has to do with becoming an unemployed recluse being bad for me. I definitely need people in my life though (extrovert).

I take myself too seriously sometimes. Sometimes it is good to be serious. Other times it is time to lighten up and laugh and smile. I need to recognize this in my day to day life.

I've really just got some time to kill before the meeting. Now I've written some stuff. I might as well click post and add on if I think of anything.

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Today I get a day off. My circadian rhythm held true. I was up with the sun more or less and I feel pretty good. I have thrown on Zola Jesus and I am going to see where it takes me. Many times I think it is best to write with complete silence but who really cares right?

I don't like when new acquaintances tell me to pray. It has been almost a shocking revelation in some circles that I don't pray and it has become an annoyance in my life. At the core I go to AA because I have a desire not to drink. I suppose it is problematic that one of the steps is to carry the message of AA and another step is to pray and meditate. This just was not a problem in Pittsburgh but there is a different culture here probably influenced by being in the bible belt. I really don't want to get into arguments with these people. I just won't pray and share my perspective if they ask but otherwise it is water under the bridge except it is not because I am writing about it. I want things to be different when I should accept that prayer and in god we trust and god bless america are a part of where I am. I just need to find others that are more on the same page but also not give up on certain people just because they have decided to pray.

The fact that I don't put thyme in the Italian or the balsamic vinaigrette is going to chase me until I start putting it in I think. I woke up thinking about that this morning and was like "fuck." It may seem like a little thing but it itches at me at times. It makes work that little more stressful. I am also a bit stressed because we have another guy getting some hours in but he is not very good and I don't know if it will be enough but all I can really do is do my best. I think it is why the thyme thing bothers me because that is not my best and I know it. I should not be stressing over work on my days off but I suppose it is a natural thing from time to time.

This Zola Jesus is pretty good. I am on Veka and really digging it.

Speaking of Jesus one of my friends at work and I were having a discussion on my break. He is a young guy like 21 I think but he is a voracious reader and very inquisitive. We always have good conversations. To think a dishwasher and a prep cook at a chain restaurant having lucid conversation on Socrates and other topics. He cracked me up though. We were talking about dominance hierarchies and potentially being free from them and he basically said he was addicted to materialism:

"Man, if Jesus comes back you think he wouldn't take a spin in a lambo?"

I don't think he would but america's Jesus certainly would. He would be toting guns, eating big macs, and fucking big breasted blondes.

It's a shame though that these youth have that programming. That materialism is god. God bless materialism. God bless Capitalism. Got bless America. America. Such a ridiculous usage. What about South America? United States of America. Such a crock. They are not in the least bit united. I rather live in France or Denmark but I am here. Might as well make the best of it. I am alive might as well make the best of it. I was born to suffer and die. Great. Let's get on with it eh? This song "Half Life" is making my existence a bit better. Strings should really be included in more songs. People don't give orchestras and symphonies enough credit. That is probably truly the most beautiful music. There is nothing like a live orchestra performance in a good venue. I remember seeing a performance of Shostakovich and just having tears streaming down my face it was so powerful. Just driving around in my car getting lost in Bach.

I'll have to get into this Chelsea Wolfe. Just comes out all dark and heavy. I was like man this might be a bit too much for my relaxed Sunday morning but I am digging it. Loco, have you ever listened to Massive Attack? I feel like you might like their Mezzanine album.

My family does a Secret Santa thing where the siblings get each other 1 gift so we don't have to get like 10 gifts for everyone. My Secret Santa asked what I want and I couldn't even think of anything. I supposed I could use a hoody but I didn't really want to shop for one. I suppose I'll do some shopping now. No Gods No Masters:

https://www.no-gods-no-masters.com/ho...lism-this-is-your-reality-00109547866

https://www.no-gods-no-masters.com/hoodie-tshirt-00109547870

Nah.

I have to get ready for a super secret meeting of people in the restaurant industry. We'll see how that goes. I got invited to go to a party today but I don't think I will go. The guy who is hosting it did not even know my name. I don't want to show up and no zero people in someone's home. I think I am just a bit burnt out on AA people. I will go tonight to speak to people in a detox. That is always worthwhile. I am thinking about just talking about how much I didn't want to be in AA and still don't in a way but it is the best thing I found and I don't want to drink and my life is a lot better than it was and things are pretty good today. No telling what tomorrow brings but today is ok.

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