No New Year's resolutions here. Absolutely not. I ate a whole pint of pistachio gelato the other day just to spite the idea. I remember also feeling quite depressed, lonely, and bored and that that Italian iced cream could somehow fill in The Void.
I started watching movies again. Junk food and movies is my new thing. I'll cook up some rice and beans which is really a perfect meal besides the arsenic in the white basmati rice. Then I'll start in on popcorn and chocolate covered pretzels. I watched "Isle of Dogs" the other day by Wes Anderson. Really enjoyable film. Then I watched "First Reformed" by Paul Schrader. Fuckin' great film. I enjoy stories. I think much of the human population enjoys stories. I typically like it best in the form of a novel but cinema can be quite enchanting in its own right.
I am completely cruelty free in the soap, shampoo, deodorant department. I got some Tom's deodorant. I didn't realize their home base is Kennebunk, ME. That's about 15 min. away from York, ME and is within the diameter of one of my favorite areas of the earth. Biddeford, ME is also within this diameter. Home of milo and Soulfax record store. I may go up and visit my sister and brother-in-law in Northhampton, MA and take a trip to the coast this summer. Being in the South it is like a breath of fresh air going up in that direction. I did better in regards to Tinder in regards to attractive matches and stimulating conversation. It would appear I am more attracted to the Tinder women collective of Western, MA and Coastal, ME than I am Charleston, SC. If I were to generalize I'd say there seems to be a lot of blonde sorority types here in Charleston and a bit more of an unusual, intellectual vibe coming out of those parts of New England. I like black women too but not the ones immersed in popular rap culture. Some Asians are great.
I have been watching a lot of Angelica White porn lately. I like her personality. I like her breasts too and her degree of thickness but in reality those mammary glands are quite large. It just all seems to work out in the world of pornography. In reality, for me, when dating a woman breast size is not really a conscious thing. I remember one woman I dated had rather large breasts and she would wear these blouses showing off blood rushing to the head inducing cleavage. I just wanted to free them up. But, even so they are just mammary glands. I had to want to have a conversation with the woman. A smart, funny, atheist, anti-natalist, with large breasts who is sexually adventurous. Not sure how many of those I'll find.
This blog kind of took a turn for the it seems clear that I at least partially want to start dating again.
I'm survivin', man, I'm survivin'. Just did my bills and it looks ok. Car insurance and doctor visits and blood work are expensive though. I was getting over depression and caught a really bad cold I'm still fending off and I'm still depressed but things are looking up. I don't know why. Maybe, that is just my personality. I love the springtime and we are getting closer to that but I am getting older so what do we do with that?
I love my barber because she is a friend of mine and we talk about really dark shit while everyone else is talking about Christmas and the NFL games over the weekend.
There is something about Christmas though. It threw me into new ways of living. My sister came into town and we were always doing stuff. Making pancakes, eating brunch, going to oyster roasts. It was nice to have someone to talk to and joke around with that weren't my parents. I go back to work yesterday and it is like, "oh yeah, back to the grind," but I don't want it to be that way and I don't think it necessarily has to be that way. There is a sort of hollowness that I experience in relation to Christmas but then an even more pronounced hollowness following Christmas. Maybe I just feel hollow a lot. Maybe that's just the way things are going to go.
I'm going to try this. I'm going to write whatever comes to my mind and not think about writing what is the right thing to say or to please anyone. This is what my therapist instructed me to do. She is also a psychiatrist and practiced psycho-analyst. She also believes in God and made it sound like she was a Catholic but then was kind of ambiguous on whether she still is a Catholic. I know more about her than that but that is just what came to mind first. In our last session she talked about not knowing me at all. I think we've had 3 or 4 sessions and the fact she knew so little about me she said was abnormal. Ok? She correctly posited that since my goal was to reduce suffering I must be suffering. That wasn't even an official goal or anything. I think I mentioned it in the first session sometime in relation to partaking in Buddhism. I think the session I was supposed to have goals I opened with that I was depressed so we explored that. I like Loco's idea of being ok in my own skin in a society that doesn't suck but I'm not convinced there is a society that doesn't suck so we'll just have to go with whatever Loco said about getting the benefits of society without having to conform to it. My therapist believes I am avoiding something with these neuroscience lectures and complex systems courses and in the past with all the Buddhism and meditation. To be honest, I don't really have any goals. I'd like to go to Thailand, I'd like to go to Japan, I'd like to go to Paris again. I do what I can to make my days reasonable. I have strategies and plans that I employ at work to make the day go better. It's some mix of making my life easier and improving the company's profits. Sometimes they coincide, sometimes they don't. She is continually interested in what I do for joy. It is sometimes for me hard to decipher this. Reading a certain chapter of Infinite Jest brings me joy. I went to a new place for brunch today that turned out to be really cool. That's just in the moment off the top of my head. Buying my toddler nephew's really awesome books brought me joy. Buying my brother-in-law slippers. But, it seems a lot of times it takes me a while to produce instances of joy or sometimes I just don't experience that much joy. I say things like running a model that showed how ants find their food brings me joy and I feel like I am getting judged. Whereas telling her going out to lunch with my friend and going for a walk brings me joy is like a normal answer. I'm really just judging myself.
We'll take a space so this doesn't turn into one big block of text. Someone criticized me for that in another blog and it is a fair criticism. So, I talked about general stuff about myself. It's mostly normal besides the fact I am bipolar I, and a substance addict. Then she steered the conversation to dating/sex/relationships/etc and I would say my dating life throughout my life has been very abnormal. I talked about being willingly celibate but at this point not being sure about that decision. That I get urges and attracted to women and some times varying levels of fantasies. I talked about poker and my life as a refractory salesmen. I think the feelings that are sitting with me are that I am abnormal and what exactly I am avoiding if anything. She also mentioned as I was walking out that she hopes I can find joy in whatever it is that brings me joy. I will continue seeing her. I like that she is challenging and blunt. I really don't know where this is going. I know that I look forward to therapy and then don't really enjoy it while I am there. It is quite intense. That's probably a good thing. I don't know. I just felt like trying a therapy session on my therapy even though probably 0 of you are qualified therapists.
I think you can scroll through and look at them with this link but not listen unless you sign up for a Spotify account.
They also have a cool playlist called "Tastebreakers" where they took the songs from the Top 100 list and then compiled a different list. "Start 2019 by broadening your horizons. We've made you a playlist of songs from genres and artists you don't normally explore - and we think you'll like it." The playlist is pretty f'n awesome. Anyways, this blog is sounding like an advertisement for Spotify.
2018 isn't over yet but all of this had me reflecting. 2018 was a strange year. I was kind of all over the place. I think a lot of it tied into my struggle to get a date as a poor person living with my parents or even beyond those "excuses": How do I date and be ok in my own skin? Or, at least this is seemingly what My Interpreter is piecing together (Michael Gazzaniga, Gifford Lectures, "The Interpretor" Youtube it - fascinating stuff). Or, more simply how do I get ok in my own skin?
I remember back to my days of waking up at 5am to train. I got pretty nicely pumped up there. I still think bodybuilding is based in vanity and narcissism. Byung-Chul Han posits that depression is based in narcissism as well. I think my unaltered state is to be pretty narcissistic. Now part of this is AA brainwashing. I really can't answer the question if I am more self-centered or narcissistic than the average person. I really don't know. But, my immediate response to being self-centered and narcissistic is to go help someone else. That I must help someone else or I am going to end up drinking or doing drugs again. I am in conflict with these fellowships. I can never feel ok in my own skin if I am a part of them and it seems to be difficult to be ok in my own skin without them.
There was my experiences with Tinder which spurned the dissatisfaction to look further into Buddhism. I pretty much went tunnel vision in one to tunnel vision in another. I am not sure how I moderate that behavior. It seems to cause a lot of suffering.
There was that amazing 2 month period of being unemployed. I learned a lot.
Tonight I thought about going to an AA meeting just to get out of the house and socialize with some people. Even if those people are going to tell me I need to pray and I need to turn my will and my life over to God. I made myself dinner and signed up for a complex science course instead. Seeing the two options written out there is really no competition.
So, what are some things I am trending towards as we move into 2019?
I would like to get back into Buddhism. Start exploring Samatha (Calm) meditation. I am holding off on scriptures. Currently, really enjoying "Infinite Jest" by DFW. Overall, it is just enjoyable but also I think it helps me with AA. Here is a guy poking fun at the whole situation and it's great.
How am I going to be ok in my own skin and find a society to be a part of with out having to conform?
That is a tricky one but I think learning more about relevant sciences and Buddhism is a part of that. I suppose I also may just have to accept that I will spend my Saturday nights making myself dinner, watching science lectures and posting on LP. I will take my dinner tonight though. I cooked up some rice at like 35c per serving, fried 2 eggs my dad had in the fridge that were going to go bad before he comes home from his trip, mixed in some chili paste my Thai aunt gave me, and added a little bit of Sriracha. This is something else I will be working on. Working on meals over the course of the week that are varied, vegan, nutritious, nourishing. Using the produce that is local, in season, and organic if possible.
I think this Tastebreakers playlist is an atopic Other bringing me out of my depression. Who knows?
People are always in transition but it feels like I am in transition. Not that I want to be. I want consistency, homeostasis, comfort, peace, contentment. Where do I start? I just felt like writing a blog. I am in a frame of mind where I just do what I want to do then I sleep a lot then I work. I am not forcing myself to meditate or go to meetings or read scriptures or be "spiritual." This whole tutz thing is almost comical but I don't want to be mean. He's a caricature of what I am trying to steer clear of. What does it even mean to be spiritual? My therapist commented today that I don't seem to be of the flesh. I had no idea what she was talking about. I had to Google it. Turns out it is Romans 8 from the Bible: "You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ." What does it mean to be in the realm of the Spirit? My therapist also said I was thoughtful and cerebral which it felt like she was describing herself but I would say fair ways to describe myself as well. I think talking to her about my Buddhist teacher situation was helpful. It just is what it is. The tough part is what do I do now? Fuck it man, I just do what I end up doing. Back to determined, atheist, pseudo-nihilist (that ends up going back to AA meetings because there is seemingly nothing else to do). It felt good today to hunker down and watch one of the Gifford Lectures Loco posted. It was stimulating. I would say it was even exciting. I don't think I've had excitement in my life for 4 months if not longer. Some would say it's a bit deranged to get excited about a lecture on neuroscience but fuck the naysayers. This is my life. That's how it happened to go. Which I started writing this blog about my thoughts and I've been thinking on the way to the therapist because I was supposed to bring her my goals and I am thinking in therapy and then I am thinking on the ride home and I am thinking all day and most of these thoughts are completely repetitive and useless. I have little else to do though than to just think. I remember in meditation I experienced the mundanity of thought. Even though one of my favorites Byung-Chul Han stressed the value of contemplative lingering. What is right?
Who wouldn't want a good mentor or teacher? But, I am burned out at the thought of it. I don't even know what I want.
I watched a Warcraft 3 game today. 120 vs Moon. Brought back memories. 120 is crazy good. I remember playing this game for 10+ hours a day with the goal of being a progamer. I could be competitive at a local WCG Qualifier and even almost qualified for WCG online one summer but was no where close to being a progamer. Actually, that wasn't even the goal I just wanted to be l337 and travel to some tournaments. Failed. But, I heard TillerMaN was playing poker and did some investigations and found teamliquid poker discussion and carved out a decent living for some years. Far better than I ever would have done at wc3. It's crazy though that I was perfectly cool with playing wc3 for 10+ hours a day. I would skip meals and not care. Not shower. Nothing else mattered. And, you know what? I loved it. Maybe a stranger thing is that I don't have the gamer in me at all anymore. I don't know what's in me anymore. It seems like I get excited about organic plants and how to prepare them. I get enthused about LP which may be a bit pathetic but it's honestly probably my favorite thing besides sleeping at this point. I tried reading some Raman Maharshi last night and got through like 2 pages and was just thoroughly not enthused. I just sit and listen to Björk. There is not a whole lot I trust in Buddhism at this point and never profoundly experienced the benefits of not listening to music. I am not meditating anyways so what's the difference? I can't get distracted doing something I have no intention of doing at the moment.
I am not going to meetings. Any meetings. My brainwashing is telling me this might be a problem. Friends in AA and Refuge have been texting me and calling me to come back. I will probably go on Wednesday if my friend texts me. Begrudgingly but in some ways happy that there just may be some connection in my life. Even if it's with a bunch of brainwashed drunks.
I remember probably the highest I've ever been in my life. I was stressed after a bad session and was inhaling a blunt of really dope stuff thinking the more and faster I puffed the faster I could escape my woes. I thought I was going to die. I had unnerving sensations pulsing through out my body. I vaguely remember someone saying sugar helps ease the high and I vaguely remember staring at the refrigerator for what literally could have been 20 min. I don't think I ever got any fruit juice I intended on getting. I thought I have to get my mind off of these thoughts and played Mario Kart. I was teetering on euphoria and thinking I could go back to death's door any moment. I seemed like I was in the clear so I just lay in my bed and listened to Björk and entered this 4th dimension of bliss. She saved me that fox from Iceland. I will always love Björk. Bebel Gilberto with an iv of red wine has also been my consistent savior..... Until it wasn't it......
Not a lot changes. Candle lit. Thinking "deeply" about the mundane. The Struggle.
I am a bit depressed. I really have no idea if this blog will help I am just grasping at straws. It feels like at this point in time I should know how to deal with depression: hang out with friends, go for a walk, refrain from sleeping so damn much but sleep is the only reprieve I have from an existence that is so mundane. Where did this all come from? I think part of it stems from feeling like I had a way in life. The Buddha, the Dhamma, the Sangha. Except for the fact my meditation teacher fell through. Actually, my original Buddhist "guru" Noah Levine was surrounded by scandal. The local monk was a bust and then the online monk who seemed to be the answer was not. I was meditating for 1+ hours a day for many days and reading scripture religiously. I can never have a Sangha because I can never become a monk. I still believe in the Buddha and the Dhamma but can't seem to get myself to read anything. The only thing I read is "Infinite Jest" by DFW which is quite a sad novel. I also read AdBusters magazine which is a bit much at times but I have been enjoying it. If anyone would like to read the most recent one or 5 classic magazines digitally PM me and I'll send you the link.
So, I grasp. I go to AA meetings. AA meetings full of praying and turning our life and wills over to G O D. But, maybe I have some conversations with some fellow drunks and maybe that makes me feel better. Then there is Refuge. It means well but I don't know the exact words I want to use to disparage it.
I don't see my therapist until next week I had to do something.
I realize I have very few friends here that I can text or call and do something with. It didn't seem to bother me when I was on this path to Enlightenment but now that path seems tarnished or tired and honestly the best time I've had in the last 2 months was getting vegan curry with a friend and going for a walk.
The biggest event in the last week was going to Goodwill to investigate the clothing they had there. Rather disappointing.
I am making a big batch of oatmeal downstairs in a rice cooker and it has 20 more min. to go. I don't want to lie down and read the Buddha's words because I might fall asleep and have oatmeal heating all night. I don't really feel like meditating either. My meditation teacher has me on a new walking meditation and I want to be more into it before I give it a go. So, here I am. Those last 3 sentences say a lot about what I have been up to. Trying to get the most out of cooked food, reading scriptures and discourse, and meditating are my life right now. Then, there is work too but I really don't like discussing work on my blog.
I am looking to move more towards this guy's direction:
The main goal being to continue simplifying my life and moving towards Nibbanna. I have really been into Southeast Asian food recently. Besides breakfast (Pumpkin oatmeal with walnuts and blueberries) I have been eating Thai, Vietnamese, Indian, Cambodian for just about every meal. I am really getting into it. Investigating everything. Experimenting with my own dishes. I bought a wok and some cookbooks and have been exploring. I can get out of the local Vietnamese place for less than $12 which is pretty good. It is tough to get out of the local Thai places for less than $25 it seems. The red curry I cooked up the other night was about $7/serving not including the time it took to go to the market and the labor to cook it up. I actually enjoyed doing both things so it is probably fair not to count that into the equation. I am looking forward to getting out to the proper Asian food market tomorrow to see what I will find. Considering I would like to not be eating dairy or meat for the rest of my life there is value in learning how to cook vegan curries and stir fries. I think with most dishes it doesn't even really matter what you put into it it matters what is available, fresh, ripe, etc. but it appears that a lot of the same stuff are showing up in the different curries and stir-fries.
I have also gotten really into candles. I would like to start making my own. My only consumption these days seem to be gifts for people, food, and offerings for the Buddha. That's not a bad way to go. I just think I could make the candles that I want better than overpaying these other companies.
I took a walk on the beach today which I feel like that is a worthwhile endeavor. Sometimes I get these thoughts on how great it will be to linger contemplatively but you know after doing so much meditation I realize that is more or less bullshit. I was better off being mindful. At any rate, it seemed to give me a bump in energy and mood and I didn't end up taking a nap today.
I was feeling a bit lonely tonight and didn't have anything planned so I ended up at an AA meeting. It was an interesting perspective since I haven't been to that one in such a long time. The word that comes to mind is cute. Mostly newcomers beings newcomers and the fact that nothing changes in the rooms of AA. My biggest hangup is the insistence that we need to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. That if we pray to God he will have our backs. It's just delusion. Then again, I am the one that went to an AA meeting entirely on my own volition so I need to be prepared and put up with the dogma. I mostly sat and was bored or entertained or whatever. It was nice seeing some people and having some conversations although I noticed my tolerance for useless chatter has gone way down. I excused myself to take care of my cats and got out of there.
Refuge has been ok. It's really my sole avenue of being social outside of work. I have my gripes with it. Oh well.
It seems like there are a fair amount of people on this site that have visited or lived in Thailand. I just keep having this nagging in me to get over there. It's funny in my previous life I wanted to ball it up on poker monies and do coke and cum on prostitute tittays (2 prostitutes, 4 tittays, or maybe a cum swap... but I digress). Now, I just want a nice spiritual trip. Check out some monasteries, check out some nice beaches, I am not even really sure yet. I may even want to go up North and hike the forests. I really would like to go to Myanmar (Yangon) as well but I think that might be unsafe at this point?
Suggestions?
I am unsure on how to even go about it. In the past all my traveling has been pretty bourgeois. Hotels and vacation rentals. I would want to do it up pretty cheaply here. Straight up backpacking mode. I don't even know if I would want to bring a laptop. I want cheap shelter, cheap curries, fresh fruit, cheap transportation. Don't mind hiking long distances. Check out some monasteries. Check out the art. Visit some family. I may have to choose between forest and beach. I think it depends on what monasteries I want to check out.
What else is there to do in Thailand?
I want fresh mango and mango and sticky rice. I want to avoid partying and prostitutes. Stay away from big cities and sordidness. If anyone can help please do.
Here I sit on this Monday morning at around 9 am EST. Thankfully I am not scheduled to work today. It looks beautiful outside. I will probably take a walk on the beach and go for a swim. It's ok worker bees I unfortunately still have to work. Not as much as you all. I am typically at 30-35 hours/wk. I worked last night which is probably worse than working a 9-5 on a Monday. I was looking at my expenses for the next pay period. It is literally all food and gas. If I sold my car and started taking alms I would be ok. We've been through this before though. I can't be a monk and I am not going to go homeless in a city center. I would still need health insurance, dental insurance, etc. Working at a monastery or a meditation center makes sense but I would still need health insurance.
Nothing is stable. That truth is disconcerting. I can get a "steady" paycheck coming in and then what? Who knows? I can take measures to stay healthy but it's no guarantee. The thing about work is that you can not want to do something but you sort of have to do it. That causes stress, suffering, and dissatisfaction. I didn't want to make so many god damn pizzas yesterday but I did. At this point it's how I have to be useful. I have a friend who is retired that always harps on being at work is better than being at home. I want to point out the obvious "then why are you fucking retired? Being at home is clearly better than being at work." He says because at home I will be in my head and that's a dangerous place for me to be. I don't know. I get to hang out with my cats, I get to meditate, I get to go to the beach.
The problem is I am starting the cycle again. Work is quite a disruption to meditation. I could have pulled the bandaid off last night but I was so not into it. You would think a good night sleep has a good effect on meditation but I am not so sure. In a way I am starting over or simply maintaining. I made a lot of progress the last 2 days I want to keep it going. I guess the only way I can find out is by continuing to meditate when I can. That's all I can do.
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from the Bible: "You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ." What does it mean to be in the realm of the Spirit? My therapist also said I was thoughtful and cerebral which it felt like she was describing herself but I would say fair ways to describe myself as well. I think talking to her about my Buddhist teacher situation was helpful. It just is what it is. The tough part is what do I do now? Fuck it man, I just do what I end up doing. Back to determined, atheist, pseudo-nihilist (that ends up going back to AA meetings because there is seemingly nothing else to do). It felt good today to hunker down and watch one of the Gifford Lectures Loco posted. It was stimulating. I would say it was even exciting. I don't think I've had excitement in my life for 4 months if not longer. Some would say it's a bit deranged to get excited about a lecture on neuroscience but fuck the naysayers. This is my life. That's how it happened to go. Which I started writing this blog about my thoughts and I've been thinking on the way to the therapist because I was supposed to bring her my goals and I am thinking in therapy and then I am thinking on the ride home and I am thinking all day and most of these thoughts are completely repetitive and useless. I have little else to do though than to just think. I remember in meditation I experienced the mundanity of thought. Even though one of my favorites Byung-Chul Han stressed the value of contemplative lingering. What is right? 
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