Most people

"I-tiredness" and "we-tiredness"

I-tiredness is kind of how I am feeling right now. I am tired. I am tired by myself. I am fed up. I am fed up with a lot of things. I am burnt out and teetering on depression.

we-tiredness is hiking a mountain with friends for 8 hours. Watching the sun rise. De-scaling the mountain and sharing a shit ton of sushi and then crashing for legendary sleep.

I find myself in "I-tiredness" far too often lately. It's hard to combat by myself. Impossible to combat by myself. This is what I am realizing. Maybe a great video game or movie or book can bring me out of it for some extended amount of time. These things can be like mini-Others. Substitutes for the real thing but never quite reaching the heights of The Other in the flesh, essence, spirit, soul.

I got jolted out of writing this as as I was writing this a friend called me who is dealing with a lot of the bad aspects of mania and psychosis. He takes his meds "as needed" and is constantly in the grips of an episode. I have been meaning to ask him to be my sponsor but not when he is like this. It ended up being a bit like a therapy session but I am glad I could be there for him. I've been called selfish by people in AA when I said I was not sure if I wanted to sponsor someone. I have the gift of recovery and it is selfish not to freely give it away. So, I considered that I will take on sponsees but I figure it is not right to do this unless I have a sponsor myself.

I realize there is not much that anyone on this website can do in this predicament of depression, burnout, "i-tiredness." Many may find themselves in a similar predicament. There are not many wins to be had. I just have to be humble, "right-sized," find a level that I am mostly comfortable with without losing sight of the good life over bare life. Constantly remind myself that life is not about pleasure but it is about eudamonia, virtue, community, and The Other.

Bare life: Just because I have a libido and can experience pleasure does not mean I should choose that route.

I realize I am doing a lot of talking and perhaps not a lot of doing. That just comes down to fears and opportunities. I am still fearful and opportunities don't grow on trees.

"Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one." (Marcus Aurelius)

It's fun to contemplate the Good Life though. Just because I am hungry and can experience pleasure doesn't mean I should over eat. Just because I have nothing to do does not mean I should search for food for something to do.

I want to live well, I want to flourish, I want a good Spirit. At work and away from work.

We're all stuck in the Matrix. I'm unsure if there's truly a way out.

The Matrix is one way to put it. Although I wouldn't want to be living on the Nebuchadnezzar living THAT life.

People like to come up with all these realities. I think it's just existence man. We probably can change or bend existence in some way. In our own little way or perhaps have a larger impact if we are lucky. Of course, we have to make sure the light we shine is a positive on planet Earth. It has got to be bigger than just pleasure, fun, excitement. Most people I know don't know that so in turn most people they know probably don't know that and so on and so on and so on. It's why the Earth is in a lot of trouble which in turn makes us in a lot of trouble. The culture is tarnished. The society is diseased. I work to cover basic needs because there is no other way that I have found on how to do it. It would appear that I should get a job restoring Earth, culture, society but I don't think those jobs exist. It's not like I have the answers so I just continue on. I've already looked back at the 7 years in this city and think where did the time go? What am I doing here?

On August 14 2023 03:53 RiKD wrote: The Matrix is one way to put it. Although I wouldn't want to be living on the Nebuchadnezzar living THAT life. People like to come up with all these realities. I think it's just existence man. We probably can change or bend existence in some way. In our own little way or perhaps have a larger impact if we are lucky. Of course, we have to make sure the light we shine is a positive on planet Earth. It has got to be bigger than just pleasure, fun, excitement. Most people I know don't know that so in turn most people they know probably don't know that and so on and so on and so on. It's why the Earth is in a lot of trouble which in turn makes us in a lot of trouble. The culture is tarnished. The society is diseased. I work to cover basic needs because there is no other way that I have found on how to do it. It would appear that I should get a job restoring Earth, culture, society but I don't think those jobs exist. It's not like I have the answers so I just continue on. I've already looked back at the 7 years in this city and think where did the time go? What am I doing here?

If you were offered a job that allowed you to explore other planets/galaxies in a spaceship, but it would mean you would have to give up everything and everyone you know on Earth because they would no longer exist if and when you returned to Earth, would you accept the job offer?

I woulda taken the blue pill if I was Neo. The guy was offering a small chance of experiencing the worst thing imaginable.

On August 14 2023 07:00 PuertoRican wrote: Show nested quote + On August 14 2023 03:53 RiKD wrote: The Matrix is one way to put it. Although I wouldn't want to be living on the Nebuchadnezzar living THAT life. People like to come up with all these realities. I think it's just existence man. We probably can change or bend existence in some way. In our own little way or perhaps have a larger impact if we are lucky. Of course, we have to make sure the light we shine is a positive on planet Earth. It has got to be bigger than just pleasure, fun, excitement. Most people I know don't know that so in turn most people they know probably don't know that and so on and so on and so on. It's why the Earth is in a lot of trouble which in turn makes us in a lot of trouble. The culture is tarnished. The society is diseased. I work to cover basic needs because there is no other way that I have found on how to do it. It would appear that I should get a job restoring Earth, culture, society but I don't think those jobs exist. It's not like I have the answers so I just continue on. I've already looked back at the 7 years in this city and think where did the time go? What am I doing here? If you were offered a job that allowed you to explore other planets/galaxies in a spaceship, but it would mean you would have to give up everything and everyone you know on Earth because they would no longer exist if and when you returned to Earth, would you accept the job offer?

No chance. Once when I was psychotic I had a nightmare or hallucination. I still don't know which but I was trapped in a spaceship in deep space galaxies away from Earth and it was the most terrifying and lonely thing that I would just sit there until I starved to death. I know I say I value making a difference and if I were somehow tasked to go to Mars and try and save humanity I just don't think I would do it. I don't even like roller coasters and I value friendships and family over most things. Human connection and the Other drag me out of burnout and depression and lead to the Good Life.

On August 14 2023 14:53 Stroggoz wrote: I woulda taken the blue pill if I was Neo. The guy was offering a small chance of experiencing the worst thing imaginable.

Neo was also seeking Morpheus. It was Neo's raison d'etre.

Did anyone watch the last Matrix?

I heard it was pure dog shit.

On August 14 2023 17:13 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On August 14 2023 14:53 Stroggoz wrote: I woulda taken the blue pill if I was Neo. The guy was offering a small chance of experiencing the worst thing imaginable. Did anyone watch the last Matrix? I heard it was pure dog shit.

One of the worst moves I've ever seen. Made no sense to return after all these years just to make that movie.

Well, I am feeling the inclination to put down another "share." I think one of my issues with AA is that every share should be based off of the Big Book of AA and experience. Experience can be unique and interesting but the Big Book is an inferno of the same. I think it has to be that way to get people sober. Maybe. I've just been to a lot of AA meetings and it all starts sounding the same and I have to sit there for 1 hour and I am probably addicted to screens at this point.

I went to the beach today to get out of the house and to get a little sun and a little bit walking. It's not really all that great for contemplation. I mean most people are in good spirits which is nice but it's just a lot of commotion. I like beach walks in the winter when no one is there.

I just got done watering my mom's plants. It takes a long time and there is no fast way to do it. It takes about 6 buckets of water and to do it right is to do it slow. It is better than Byun-Chul Han's idea that most people are creating lists to zap from one thing to the other as if this were the way to live life. To move so fast as to whizz along. Everyone needs to slow down but we can't afford to. Or, so we think. I did 5,000 things on a list in 1 year so I am better than the person that only did 4,444 things. Well, better but also I am really living baby!

I really feel that Radiohead's OK Computer really gets the 90s neo-liberal age. That neo-liberal age has accelerated to some monstrosity but I love OK Computer to this day. OK Computer is probably my favorite Radiohead album but it can go back and forth depending on my mood.

I am getting closer to buying Baldur's Gate 3. There is a part of me that feels like this will be worth it. Some level of escape and adventure but I know that in reality BG3 will not solve any of my problems except for maybe boredom problems. I tried to slow it down today and I successfully slowed it down and didn't have any expectations of being active. But the fact that I am calling people on the phone and leaving the house and actually hanging out with people I realize that is more valuable than a video game. I did uninstall Diablo 4 though. I have had about enough of that game. No future in that game. But I have to get over this idea that games are salvation. They are just games. They cure boredom but not emptiness. They can grab us but they don't typically fill up the spirit.

On August 14 2023 18:57 PuertoRican wrote: Show nested quote + On August 14 2023 17:13 RiKD wrote:   On August 14 2023 14:53 Stroggoz wrote: I woulda taken the blue pill if I was Neo. The guy was offering a small chance of experiencing the worst thing imaginable. Did anyone watch the last Matrix? I heard it was pure dog shit. One of the worst moves I've ever seen. Made no sense to return after all these years just to make that movie.

late late capitalism makes that movie

I'm still craving something different. The Other in film form.

Inflation is down as I said would happen in the pols thread several months ago. Paul Krugman has a good article ridiculing the economists like Larry Summers that said otherwise. I was still wrong to some extent because I didn't see greed inflation being a thing at first..but prediction was right anyway lol.

I gave up on the matrix after the scene with the white suit guy where he says: "Ergo, visa vi, bla bla bla". The series got turned into a pretentious freshman philosophy class lmao. What was up with the cake that gives orgasms as well? Didn't get that scene.

I don't think anyone has every asked you Strog what are some movies that you like?

Kubrick movies like Barry Lyndon, Paths of Glory.

Also liked the first 3 alien movies.

I haven't watched any of those movies. They look good. Gives me something to do.


I've got 3 colognes. All three are over 10 years old. They still smell good but I have a feeling something is a little off. I used to buy big bottles because they were a better deal. So, I've got all this cologne that the bottles are like 9/10s full and all these cologne samples I never used. I used to go to Sephora and they had a deal where they'd give you a big bag of samples trying to seduce me into shopping there. Men was the segment they were looking to attract next. When I was travelling a lot I would stop at all the Sephoras and collect these giant bag of samples. I never bought anything from Sephora once.

This scent also reminds me of the times I would frequent the bars and the clubs. Jean Paul Gauthier - Le Male. It is a tricky thing using scents. I suppose I settled on one spray on the wrist to put on the arms and then one spray on the chest. I don't actually need sex. My libido can not starve me to death. I miss the eye contact, the kiss, and I've never cuddled after sex. There is survival and there is eudaimonia. Oxytocin can go a long way. Freedom is found in human connection and relationships not in an absence of.

Makeouts and sex without knowing the other's name. These women had potential. Why did we act like this? Even then so atomized in the Big City. I wanted to be a player but did not have the skillset. I ended up being a player (on a small scale) with an alcohol problem (on a major scale). Now, I just sit in this computer chair and wait. To wait is to suffer. No dates on the horizon I just slink into AA meetings and wait (suffer) for them to be over. My goal is to hover (leisurely). To not zap from one thing to the next. Smelling the duration of this scent brings recollection. I take a moment to write the next sentence. To linger. I attempt to travel untrodden paths but really only angels can bring me there. I wait (suffer) to be struck by the arrow of Eros. I wait (suffer) for the eye contact of the Other. I suffer therefore I am.

I think u might like Barry Lyndon the most but I'm just guessing. Might be able to relate to a gambler who goes through big highs and big lows. It's great regardless. I think paths of glory is one of the only war movie i relate to.

You know I was a prudent midstakes gambler for most of my career. To my detriment in all honesty. I just never did stick very well at 5/10 NLHE and plenty could be won lower prior to 2010. I'm sure plenty could be won after 2010 but relatively more difficult. Then I accurately saw the gold rush that was PLO. With some math I just about figured out how to Kelly bet in PLO. The problem with Kelly betting though is that you need to be very accurate with winrate which is something that is impossible to do. My winrates were likely very large in midstakes with a relatively large bankroll which allowed my bankroll to skyrocket. However, in larger games my edge would be smaller especially in PLO. The killers like harrington10 and Galfond are taking a lot of the edge especially in a game like PLO. My biggest problem, however, is that I consciously or subconsciously decided that I was going to risk about $100k to win $2 Million in the 25/50 w/ an ante PLO games on FTP. I thought I could beat these games for 5ptbb/100 and that I could get in 400,000 hands in a year. My biggest problem is that I didn't really consider what would happen if I lost the $100k. I also didn't realize that Guy was not as bad as a 5/10 hurricaner and that the killers were FAR better than even the 10/20 pros. A lot of times the 25/50 was the biggest game that ran. I would be in 200/400 lineups and say I am playing for education. Which is fair but was it a good price for tuition? See how the lines start to blur?

Well, I mean, this story has been told before. It's obvious I lost the $100k. Luckily, I had enough savings to drift for 2 years. Strange times. I read a lot. I basically just read and lifted weights.

Oh. To backtrack though.... I had everyone wanting to stake me for midstakes PLO which I murdered. I declined all offers. Finally, after like 2 months of not playing a hand I realized I had a large rakeback payment on FTP. I was the largest winning player on 2/4 PLO that month. Ran like $4k up to $20k then busto'd the $20k playing 5/10 and 10/20. Risk of ruin is real folks. Manage your bankrolls. That's when I knew I was done playing poker professionally probably for forever. Those stages of grief took a long time. I needed a lot of existential philosophy and Russian literature and lifting to just get past that. I lied and told everyone that Black Friday ended my poker career. Nope, it was unacceptable risk of ruin. I wanted to be a 25/50 with an ante crusher so bad that I lost sight of reality.

My life is weird. Now, I feel really old. I'm almost 40. I was like 25 then. The sad thing is I could have been living like a King down in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Whether if I was a 25/50 star or a midstakes crusher. Nothing costed any money down there and the women are unbelievably beautiful. I remember one night everyone went out for sushi. I can't even afford sushi today but in Argentina I could eat it whenever I wanted and not even blink. Anyways, my friends went out to get sushi. Games felt too good so I said I'll pass. I think I lost like $40,000 that night but just in the manner that it happened was ridiculously tilting. I screamed which scared my neihbor then I punched a hole in my laptop. I knew basically then that my career as a poker pro was probably not looking good. I felt so stuck when I could have been out doing one of my favorite things eating sushi with friends my psyche couldn't handle it. I could be down $50,000 and have the mental toughness or craziness to win back $25,000 or $30,000 but that night I think was the night that broke me. The funny thing is that Guy ended up being the guy that busto'd me online. I am happy I didn't have the delusions to put my savings back into play online. I got to live a couple of years work free which may have not been ideal but I needed a lot of time to get over it and it's tough going from online poker player to any job.

I feel like I am far from making it as a middle manager in retail that can't even afford flights to Buenos Aires or sushi when I want it and the fact that I live with my parents. I don't know what else I could do at this point. I commend you Strog for getting out of poker while you still could and becoming a software engineer. One of my best friends straate who I thought would always beat the games forever and forever got out of poker and put his all into programming and now has a great job as a Data Scientist for a cool company. He tells me to learn code everytime I talk to him and I don't know how to learn it. I remember thinking that non-profits are the place to be but the more I hear about them they sound horrible. There are no jobs to improve the Earth, culture, and society. All the jobs are too busy destroying the Earth, fucking up culture and bringing disease to society.

It would be great if Krantz or somebody did a documentary about the poker losers. People who couldn't adjust to real life, ones who became insane or drug addicts or tried to traffic drugs and eneded up in Bangkok Hilton. Didn't the one poker player murder some prostitute in Thailand and stuffed her into a luggage?

Yeah, someone on lp met that guy. Hope he got fucked up in prison tbh.

There are lots of dumbasses going around atm saying you shouldn't learn to code anymore because machines can do it. It's still a good idea to learn to code if making software is your thing.

I like the idea of making software. I liked getting stuff to print and seeing how that works and playing around with stuff. I don't know if making software is my thing though. If it were I'd probably be doing it by now or I just haven't found my way of learning it yet. Kinesthetic working on tangible projects would probably be the best way for me to learn.

Making software is for nerds, ambitious sociopaths, and hard working immigrants who want a better life.

I qualify as a nerd so maybe there is hope?

Hope...

Fear...

How'd you get good Strog?

My brother got good by using it in his PhD program over many years.

My friend got good by hiring a private tutor and going to a bootcamp.

I have to find my path because this retail shit is killing me.

Seneca said we should live without hope. With hope there are fears. One fear being the fear that the hope will not come to fruition. Hope seems weak. The big problem is there is no time. No time for anything or rather that the "free" time I do have I am tired, depressed, and burnout. My time would probably be best spent finding an Other to cuddle with. But, if "free" time is sparse and non-tired time is low I just don't see how that is going to happen. Ok, I'll stop complaining now but these are real problems facing a lot of people on the globe. I watched a live stream of Grimes dj'ing in Tokyo. Made me feel like T.T I want to be in Tokyo on a Saturday night. I wouldn't go to Grimes show though lol although to be fair it's pretty good for what it is. My wants and desires can get all out of whack. I don't just want to survive but it's hard to get over the hump. Solace in people. Friends the Other... broken record. I need the repetition. Time is moving too fast and the past is dead. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I think AA has a place in my life though. Makes me feel less crazy. It puts things into perspective. I hate to say it but I think I need it to survive a sober life.

I'm sorry I keep writing this drivel. I just had a rough one at work and have to wake up early tomorrow morning and do it all over again. Such is life. I just feel it's been all work and tiredness lately for too long. I need to figure out a way out but I'm hopeless. Aaannnddd we're back at hope and fear. It's nice sometimes to have a light at the end of the tunnel. *sigh*

i'm not good at coding. I'd rate my python skills 12/100 and javascript 3/100. There are 15 year olds that are better coders than me. I have only been coding for about 8 months.

These days generating good code is mostly about knowing how to craft good psuedo-code to give to LLM's as a prompt.

You only get good at coding by making things. It forces you to learn. So, as soon as you have learnt the basic syntax, you should start making programs.

I learned the basic syntax watching bro code videos (12 hour course covering all python concepts),
Then i went through the first two MIT OCW courses on python.
Then i started learning machine learning via the $50 online course by andrew ng.
Then i started learning natural language processing via the free online course notes on cs224.
Then I gave up on cs224 and started to read part 1 of the manuscript for stanfords nlp textbook (3rd edition, not yet published).
Then i spent every single day for a month learning how the transformer works, at a deep level.
Then i started reading papers on various research topics in deep learning and nlp.

During the ML/DL/NLP period I started on a large 3-6 months project, which forced me to learn about sql, nosql and vector databases. I learnt the basics by reading tutorials on the website called pinecone.
currently working on two projects. One is a data annotation program and the other is a search engine.

Also joined discord channels for devops, mlops, vector database start ups, huggingface (git hub for large language models), to share and learn from experts when i cant get an answer.


So, in summary, my learning resources are:

youtube
books
online courses
websites (pinecone, towardsdatascience, ect).

discord channels
chatgpt

I don't think you fit the type to be self-motivated to do the learning and get a coding-related job. Every time you tried to get serious about it the resistance has been too strong, and I don't believe there is any reason to assume it will magically change. I would just put that in the past, stop ruminating on it and how it worked for others, and try to find something else with less of a barrier to entry. I recently got a very good software QA analyst job with amazing benefits, flexible hours, etc., despite having no education in this field, and only two years of video game QA experience (and that time just flew by - it's cozy low stress remote work). I was probably just as hopeless as you were a few years ago of finding something that isn't soul-sucking, so I would say there is hope for you if you end up finding your thing, and manage to develop some confidence in it.

Are you ever gonna get back into Poker Rik? Someone like you would probably crush 1/2 live for extra cash/social aspects. Or are ya done with it?

On August 21 2023 16:01 Sleepy311 wrote: Are you ever gonna get back into Poker Rik? Someone like you would probably crush 1/2 live for extra cash/social aspects. Or are ya done with it?

That's a good question. Where I live now there is no casino but I know of some private games I could play in. Just never really had the desire to play in them. When I lived in Pittsburgh they had a casino and I was more concerned with beating blackjack there. I did have a stint where a couple of my friends were addicted to poker and dragged me to some private games that were really good but I never grinded poker there. If I do go back to poker which I did briefly last year I would want to get into solvers and all of that and I really don't want to do that. Better to just stay out of it. But, honestly if they started a casino here or a riverboat and the rake wasn't stupid I would probably explore.

My therapist says I should get a Masters in Philosophy. She brought it up not me. That's something that actually excites me but I remember reading on reddit that getting a Masters in Philosophy is dumb and getting a PhD in Philosophy is extremely competitive and it can get stupid at that level. If I got a Masters in Philosophy and had to come back to work food and bev or retail or any other shitty jobs I've worked I'd strongly consider killing myself. Killing myself has some barriers to entry too. I mean I'd have to be severely depressed and pick a poison. She said specifically College Philosophy Professor which I was thinking about it and that is actually a virtuous job. College Philosophy Professor feels kind of lofty but maybe there are some other things in between retail bitch and professor that a Masters can land. Even if I can get in at any program at this point.

philosophy phd/masters job prospects are even worse than retail. They are mostly jobs like Human resources, diversity officer, medical ethics related crap, and other useless middle management jobs that are created by sociopaths at the top in order to feel important. Oh yes there is philosophy professor as well. So competitive. You'll be up against people who started in their early twenties and half of them have bs/ms degrees in the sciences at top universities. More competitive to become a philosophy professor than software developer imo. These academic jobs will get more and more competitive if the far right continues down its path in America. There is so much contempt for academics in America right now because of ivy league educated sociopathic scum bitches like Ron Desantis going around saying all that crap about CRT and banning books. That's something to consider as well. Just go with Loco's advice. Also yeah if it wasn't apparent, you shouldn't try to make software because its clear that your not cut out for it, based off statements like "I like the idea of making software".

I like the idea of making software. It's a joke but there is truth in comedy. Just like I like the idea of being a rockstar or the idea of being a college professor. I know there is a lot more that goes into it than that. I don't know many people that would turn down the prospects of being a 10x programmer or whatever else there is. Of course, there is a lot of consistant work and also talent that goes into that. I appreciate you posting your how you did it. I am probably not capable of following that path even if I didn't have a 40+ hr/week job. I am probably not capable of following that path even if I had $100k+ in the bank and no job. The only person I've heard of getting it done was word of mouth on here. Someone had a friend who put in like 3 hours a day for 3 years or something like that and I am incapable of matching that consistency and effort. Which means I don't know what I am cut out to do? I don't know how to find my thing and when I have an idea it gets shredded to bits.

Yeah well a lot of people like to tell others not to go into their field of work even when it's one of the sweetest gigs out there. Not sure why people do this. So I wouldn't pay too much attention to others that shred ideas to bits. But the way you talk, it often comes across as not really taking the whole 10,000 hours thing seriously. So what's wrong with Loco's suggestion? I reject the philosophy masters idea unless you really do want to be some administrator job.

Yes, masters degrees at a lot of universities are scams, so whoever told you that was correct. Some are intentionally made easier, and you have to pay for them, rather than getting a stipend. Im guessing your therapist didn't consider the chess move where you spend the next 10 years getting an education, working as an underpaid adjunct, only to come into the system and have some adolf hitler wannabe defunding universities and turning them into trade schools. That's a possibility that shouldn't be discounted!

You really have to prioritize and think about what you're looking for Rik. Money? Freedom/Free time? Fulfillment? Ability to work remotely/relocate? Stress levels? Lots of factors to consider and you have to decide what's most important to you.

Yeah well a lot of people like to tell others not to go into their field of work even when it's one of the sweetest gigs out there. Not sure why people do this. So I wouldn't pay too much attention to others that shred ideas to bits. But the way you talk, it often comes across as not really taking the whole 10,000 hours thing seriously. So what's wrong with Loco's suggestion? I reject the philosophy masters idea unless you really do want to be some administrator job. Yes, masters degrees at a lot of universities are scams, so whoever told you that was correct. Some are intentionally made easier, and you have to pay for them, rather than getting a stipend. Im guessing your therapist didn't consider the chess move where you spend the next 10 years getting an education, working as an underpaid adjunct, only to come into the system and have some adolf hitler wannabe defunding universities and turning them into trade schools. That's a possibility that shouldn't be discounted!

Believe me, I ascribe to the 10,000 hours idea. Even though I don't think I've spent 10,000 hours doing anything. There is nothing wrong with Loco's suggestion. Although sometimes I get the idea I'm not cut out for anything so I should kill myself but I'm not cut out for that either. There's 0 chance I want to be some sociopath's administrator. That would be worse than what I am doing now.

The choices for 2024 are really depressing but so is the political climate. Politician is supposed to be a job of virtue and it has become far, far from it. I am not saying we need philsopher kings either. I don't really know what we need.

On August 23 2023 15:22 Sleepy311 wrote: You really have to prioritize and think about what you're looking for Rik. Money? Freedom/Free time? Fulfillment? Ability to work remotely/relocate? Stress levels? Lots of factors to consider and you have to decide what's most important to you.

Of course, I'm looking for money but I don't think that much. Money is not really a major problem making what I make albeit living in my parents' home.

Of course, I'm looking for freedom/free time and time for leisure/rest. I would be employed for 0 hours/week if I could pull it off. Right now, I work 40+ hrs/week with somewhat bad hours. Frequent closing and opening shifts. That is probably where I could find something with low barrier for entry and the hours being better.

Of course, I'm looking for fullfillement but that is stupid. What job under capitalism is fullfilling?

I don't want to work for the pleasure trap. I want to work for virtue.

Have you read David Graebers bullshit jobs essay. Copied from wikipedia, there are 5 bullshit job categories under capitalism:

flunkies, who serve to make their superiors feel important, e.g., receptionists, administrative assistants, door attendants, store greeters;
goons, who act to harm or deceive others on behalf of their employer, or to prevent other goons from doing so, e.g., lobbyists, corporate lawyers, telemarketers, public relations specialists;
duct tapers, who temporarily fix problems that could be fixed permanently, e.g., programmers repairing shoddy code, airline desk staff who calm passengers whose bags do not arrive;
box tickers, who create the appearance that something useful is being done when it is not, e.g., survey administrators, in-house magazine journalists, corporate compliance officers;
taskmasters, who create extra work for those who do not need it, e.g., middle management, leadership professionals.

Yeah. I've read the book. I don't want a bull shit job and I don't want a shitty job either. I would take a non-shitty bull shit job over a shitty shit job any day though.

You know I would prefer to write first thing in the morning on some breakfast and coffee but I must survive working.

"The stupidity of simply working." (Heidegger)

I would love to dedicate all of my time to rest and leisure. Dedicate all of my time to seeking Truth.

There is Truth to Hegel's Slave / Master Dialectic. The slave is fearful of death so he submits to the master who wins power and freedom. The slave then must work for survival. I think it's a little outdated but this idea that the sociopath who will win at any costs versus the human who submits because of a fear of death is truthful. I do not think someone is bound to be a slave forever. They could muster up the courage to overcome their fear of death and win power and freedom themselves. Some may say that the worker actually gains freedom in the act of work. They may earn "flow states" or have pride in what they are producing or some may say they are the ones who are actually writing history and effecting the world with their production. The slave / worker is still getting dominated / coerced. If they do not work they do not survive.

This is why I am trying to rise above slave status. I do not want to be a master either. I want the bios theoretikos. The option where everything is subordinated to rest / leisure (Aristotle). I want out of the slave / master dialectic. If a furniture maker is great at what he does and loves to produce furniture for the local village is that man a fool or a genius?

At any moment a man could be fearful in death or not fearful in death. The master can be over-run but who is going to over-run a master high on opium and slot machines or even work. We are not docile by punishment. We are docile through work and our breaks for work. Contemplation is my answer for docility, franticness, restlessness but I fear it's no different than smoking a bowl and playing ps5. What am I really doing besides overcoming boredom in a different way? But, I must seek Truth. Truth and Love are the only things filling me up. Allowing my spirit to thrive and dance. I must slowdown. I wish I could remain slow. I am slow now but it's all a trick since it's exactly what is needed to recover for work tomorrow. It seems like an all or nothing proposition as I pointed out through Aristotle earlier. Everything must be subordinated to rest. If I am hectic for 8 hours and my truth is I must make my company max profitable it doesn't seem to work as well. There have been points where I was unemployed for let's say 6 months and really in a groove. The problem is the fear of financial insecurity is always looming and for good reason. I either lose my savings and grow a gap in my resume or start to encroach on credit card debt and all sorts of unwanted side effects. I will say that's a pure epoch in life though when I am reading Being and Time (Heidegger) surrounded by rest and leisure.

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"As long as you live, keep learning how to live." (Seneca)

What is the nature of thinking? I have a lot of thoughts in a day. It would be wise to understand.

I don't necessarily think that sitting down to empty canvas / white paper will lead to the best results. It's kind of what I am doing here. It's almost as if one should have done the thinking on a walk in the alps, black forest, town, on the shitter, in the shower, on a drive, WHEREVER before one ventures to the open space. The thing is we are thinking all the time you can't just confine it to one place. The whole idea is to not confine it to one space as any confinement will not amount to anything. But, my setup is all janky. I am active, frantic, hectic, restless all day at work doing tedius tasks there is not a whole lot of time to think there. It's hard to dig deeper. Dig different. I'm just a schlub with a normal job I don't have the leisure to think. However, the vita activa without vita contemplativa is empty. The vita contemplativa without vita activa is blind. (Byung-Chul Han). But, I want to go further than just to regurgitate Hegel, Nietzsche, Heidegger, and Byung-Chul Han. I want my own thought to broadcast in the mind. I want to travel untrodden paths.

Does thought arise and then we are thinking about that thought or we are thinking about a thought that (eventually) arises?

Is it both?

I do think that I agree with Sartre. Existence precedes essence. We are and then we are. And hopefully essence isn't completely tied to fashion. That would be a shame. However, we are born with an essence. Not to the extent as an adult. I disagree that we make entirely who we are. But, what about the culture? Part of who I am was created by the culture. Just because the herd is wearing Vineyard Vines and I want to be different so I wear OBEY. Roderick has the ultimate bit that the marketers love that all the misfits are down at the Beat Poetry Cafe wearing black and reading Heidegger. It is about fashion but it is more about soul. I had a soul at birth but it is not quite realized. As Sartre says we are the sum of our actions but I do not believe there is total freewill. It is a compabitlist viewpoint. But, as Roderick points out Sartre is an example that we can be a character in this world and thrive. Sartre was an authentic soul and we can respect him for that.

In a way I am a product of the books I read and the clothes I wear and that may even be the most accurate indicator of me or the avatar that the world sees me as but soul is deeper than that. I think that in the way I write or the way I dance or the way I perform music is an even stronger avatar of my soul / essence. It can never really be seen at its full powers. Even the way someone smiles at me can uncover their soul. The most important aspect of this is that I think that soul / essence is in the baby and the child. The most important aspect is we do not let the culture tamper with the blossoming of the soul. Which in today's civilization is almost impossible. I have failed at a lot of things in life. Two of the things that hurt the most are being a failed athlete and a failed artist. That is typically what I wanted to be at say age 10. Obviously, not everyone can be an athlete or an artist but man, I wish I could be something other than what I am currently doing. I wonder how many people in the world are in this boat?