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RiKD    United States. Aug 08 2023 04:48. Posts 8404
Most people are only concerned with living and not concerned with living well. (Aristotle)

No one is actually free. In current society it is impossible. I try to get free in writing these blogs but I probably only overly expose myself un-needingly. The fact is I was bored. Lying in bed staring at the wall waiting for my laundry to finish. In reality, I was not really waiting for anything except maybe an idea or a realization. My bed is too comfortable for that. I usually just end up falling asleep but not tonight. I am confined in my bed and I am confined at this computer. I am un-confined in Nature. I am un-confined in Dance. I am un-confined writing here? I can write whatever I want. I stare at the blank space and then I create.

I am a lonely boy. I am trying to be strong and alone but having a taste of human connection I want more. I crave the Other even though I can never quite wrap my hands around it. There is a comfort in comfort. In a way I fear the madness of loving an Other but it is the only thing that will drag me out of this depression and burnout. I was so tired after work on Sunday I fell asleep sitting up at my computer. The tiredness can be maddening so I don't see why it is not maybe worthwhile to trade that in for the madness of the Other. Ha, even though I have only found 1 meeting I can get to in a week that I do not dislike going to. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for and I don't know if I will recognize it if I see it. For now, I sit and listen for The Other in music and painting and in everyday civilians. It can be in a look but that is too superficial. A look meaning physical appearance. It can be more so in a look from Another. I have found Others in the past but we don't need to meander there at this juncture.

And again the blank space. And again. And again. It is very much a human trait to fill in the blank space with something. Lying in my bed there are so many possibilities. Sitting here at the keyboard there are so many possibilities. Maybe I am not capable of writing a good novel or a good philosophical essay but I can write. Perhaps it is a better use of my time than scrolling through X. There is a lot of debate about masturbation. I have never found The Other watching pornography. Just some minor relief through sexual objectification. I could be playing Baldur's Gate 3 right now! I think I would prefer to read and write.

In The Agony of Eros Byung-Chul Han talks about Bare Life, bare survival, bare living. There are many people out there only focused on health and survival rather than how to live well. Many people have little options in this area. They can barely manage bare life but even in these cases a concern for living well can make a difference. I know when I was unemployed and dead broke I couldn't afford medical visits but there were things I could do to improve my quality of living. Maybe one of the easiest is meditation. All you need is a place to sit and be capable of breathing. Yeah, it's fun to have a lamborghini but is it worth it?

And, should we be measuring things in fun, pleasure, entertainment?

Most hourly workers make time and a half when we go into overtime. That complicates things. But even so does that extra 10% worked equal an extra 10% in fun, pleasure, entertainment and AGAIN is this really what we should be focusing on?

I like this idea of working for VIRTUE but it's kind of a joke to consider this under capitalism. So, in reality I am working for bare life and then what I can blot out the consciousness with circus. It's horrendous! What if I can work for human connection, The Other, physical movement of the body (exersize, BJJ, dance, tai chi, etc.)?

I miss kissing. The problem with sex workers is that their kiss is a manipulative kiss. They know what they are doing and it's a great kiss but their end is for John to empty his pockets. Civilians may not be as good at kissing but there is something more authentic as they get wet and more excited. It is a mutual seduction. I can hit every position and every frame just how I want to and the sex worker can act a great performance but there is something missing. I am trying to figure out if it would be any different if I were to just cuddle with a sex worker. I wonder if we would produce Oxytocin. Both of us. I wonder if there would be feelings of connection, bonding, and trust. I could use all of that over just simple sexual gratification. Ejaculating into some cum rag and feeling better than empty for a period of time but it generally quickly vanishes as if it never happened.

Burial made Archangel in 20 min. That is astonishing to me. His dog had just died and you can feel the emotion in the song.

I can cuddle with my cat but he really doesn't like cuddling. I need a full size human. Possibly even a big girl.

If models were made for modeling, big girls were made for cuddling. (Andre 3000)

I am pretty wide in my taste for women.

I went back and listened to the stuff I was doing on Ableton. It's actually not bad. I wouldn't change it. I just don't know how to get to a higher level on new stuff. Another thought is that the guitar is more pure music. I don't know. I also just don't know how I would improve at Ableton unless I took lessons from someone really good. But, it seems like all the best just put in a lot of hours teaching themselves and had natural talent. It's a lot of work learning all the ins and outs and then all the ancilliary stuff like the tech. Deciding on a mic and an audio interface and a MIDI keyboard isn't all that hard to do but then hooking it all up and getting it to work is another hurdle.

We'll see what happens. Honestly, the madness of Eros is somewhat dangerous for me because it is inline with mania and psychosis. I think I have to take that chance though. Depression and burnout are worse. The Hell hellish psychosis brings is not better than the inferno of the same though. It's a tricky dance. I gotta take the chance. I gotta roll the dice. I need to put myself in position for The Other. A fat ass in a jumpsuit is lust. She hasn't even made amends to her parents yet and her foot was jiggling like crazy in the meeting. Damn.

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RiKD    United States. Aug 09 2023 06:21. Posts 8404

"I-tiredness" and "we-tiredness"

I-tiredness is kind of how I am feeling right now. I am tired. I am tired by myself. I am fed up. I am fed up with a lot of things. I am burnt out and teetering on depression.

we-tiredness is hiking a mountain with friends for 8 hours. Watching the sun rise. De-scaling the mountain and sharing a shit ton of sushi and then crashing for legendary sleep.

I find myself in "I-tiredness" far too often lately. It's hard to combat by myself. Impossible to combat by myself. This is what I am realizing. Maybe a great video game or movie or book can bring me out of it for some extended amount of time. These things can be like mini-Others. Substitutes for the real thing but never quite reaching the heights of The Other in the flesh, essence, spirit, soul.

I got jolted out of writing this as as I was writing this a friend called me who is dealing with a lot of the bad aspects of mania and psychosis. He takes his meds "as needed" and is constantly in the grips of an episode. I have been meaning to ask him to be my sponsor but not when he is like this. It ended up being a bit like a therapy session but I am glad I could be there for him. I've been called selfish by people in AA when I said I was not sure if I wanted to sponsor someone. I have the gift of recovery and it is selfish not to freely give it away. So, I considered that I will take on sponsees but I figure it is not right to do this unless I have a sponsor myself.

I realize there is not much that anyone on this website can do in this predicament of depression, burnout, "i-tiredness." Many may find themselves in a similar predicament. There are not many wins to be had. I just have to be humble, "right-sized," find a level that I am mostly comfortable with without losing sight of the good life over bare life. Constantly remind myself that life is not about pleasure but it is about eudamonia, virtue, community, and The Other.


RiKD    United States. Aug 10 2023 00:15. Posts 8404

Bare life: Just because I have a libido and can experience pleasure does not mean I should choose that route.

I realize I am doing a lot of talking and perhaps not a lot of doing. That just comes down to fears and opportunities. I am still fearful and opportunities don't grow on trees.

"Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one." (Marcus Aurelius)

It's fun to contemplate the Good Life though. Just because I am hungry and can experience pleasure doesn't mean I should over eat. Just because I have nothing to do does not mean I should search for food for something to do.

I want to live well, I want to flourish, I want a good Spirit. At work and away from work.


PuertoRican   United States. Aug 13 2023 01:54. Posts 13016

We're all stuck in the Matrix. I'm unsure if there's truly a way out.

Rekrul is a newb 

RiKD    United States. Aug 14 2023 04:53. Posts 8404

The Matrix is one way to put it. Although I wouldn't want to be living on the Nebuchadnezzar living THAT life.

People like to come up with all these realities. I think it's just existence man. We probably can change or bend existence in some way. In our own little way or perhaps have a larger impact if we are lucky. Of course, we have to make sure the light we shine is a positive on planet Earth. It has got to be bigger than just pleasure, fun, excitement. Most people I know don't know that so in turn most people they know probably don't know that and so on and so on and so on. It's why the Earth is in a lot of trouble which in turn makes us in a lot of trouble. The culture is tarnished. The society is diseased. I work to cover basic needs because there is no other way that I have found on how to do it. It would appear that I should get a job restoring Earth, culture, society but I don't think those jobs exist. It's not like I have the answers so I just continue on. I've already looked back at the 7 years in this city and think where did the time go? What am I doing here?


PuertoRican   United States. Aug 14 2023 08:00. Posts 13016


  On August 14 2023 03:53 RiKD wrote:
The Matrix is one way to put it. Although I wouldn't want to be living on the Nebuchadnezzar living THAT life.

People like to come up with all these realities. I think it's just existence man. We probably can change or bend existence in some way. In our own little way or perhaps have a larger impact if we are lucky. Of course, we have to make sure the light we shine is a positive on planet Earth. It has got to be bigger than just pleasure, fun, excitement. Most people I know don't know that so in turn most people they know probably don't know that and so on and so on and so on. It's why the Earth is in a lot of trouble which in turn makes us in a lot of trouble. The culture is tarnished. The society is diseased. I work to cover basic needs because there is no other way that I have found on how to do it. It would appear that I should get a job restoring Earth, culture, society but I don't think those jobs exist. It's not like I have the answers so I just continue on. I've already looked back at the 7 years in this city and think where did the time go? What am I doing here?


If you were offered a job that allowed you to explore other planets/galaxies in a spaceship, but it would mean you would have to give up everything and everyone you know on Earth because they would no longer exist if and when you returned to Earth, would you accept the job offer?

Rekrul is a newb 

Stroggoz   New Zealand. Aug 14 2023 15:53. Posts 5286

I woulda taken the blue pill if I was Neo. The guy was offering a small chance of experiencing the worst thing imaginable.

One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings 

RiKD    United States. Aug 14 2023 18:07. Posts 8404


  On August 14 2023 07:00 PuertoRican wrote:
Show nested quote +


If you were offered a job that allowed you to explore other planets/galaxies in a spaceship, but it would mean you would have to give up everything and everyone you know on Earth because they would no longer exist if and when you returned to Earth, would you accept the job offer?


No chance. Once when I was psychotic I had a nightmare or hallucination. I still don't know which but I was trapped in a spaceship in deep space galaxies away from Earth and it was the most terrifying and lonely thing that I would just sit there until I starved to death. I know I say I value making a difference and if I were somehow tasked to go to Mars and try and save humanity I just don't think I would do it. I don't even like roller coasters and I value friendships and family over most things. Human connection and the Other drag me out of burnout and depression and lead to the Good Life.


RiKD    United States. Aug 14 2023 18:13. Posts 8404


  On August 14 2023 14:53 Stroggoz wrote:
I woulda taken the blue pill if I was Neo. The guy was offering a small chance of experiencing the worst thing imaginable.



Neo was also seeking Morpheus. It was Neo's raison d'etre.

Did anyone watch the last Matrix?

I heard it was pure dog shit.


PuertoRican   United States. Aug 14 2023 19:57. Posts 13016


  On August 14 2023 17:13 RiKD wrote:
Show nested quote +


Did anyone watch the last Matrix?

I heard it was pure dog shit.

One of the worst moves I've ever seen. Made no sense to return after all these years just to make that movie.

Rekrul is a newb 

RiKD    United States. Aug 15 2023 03:01. Posts 8404

Well, I am feeling the inclination to put down another "share." I think one of my issues with AA is that every share should be based off of the Big Book of AA and experience. Experience can be unique and interesting but the Big Book is an inferno of the same. I think it has to be that way to get people sober. Maybe. I've just been to a lot of AA meetings and it all starts sounding the same and I have to sit there for 1 hour and I am probably addicted to screens at this point.

I went to the beach today to get out of the house and to get a little sun and a little bit walking. It's not really all that great for contemplation. I mean most people are in good spirits which is nice but it's just a lot of commotion. I like beach walks in the winter when no one is there.

I just got done watering my mom's plants. It takes a long time and there is no fast way to do it. It takes about 6 buckets of water and to do it right is to do it slow. It is better than Byun-Chul Han's idea that most people are creating lists to zap from one thing to the other as if this were the way to live life. To move so fast as to whizz along. Everyone needs to slow down but we can't afford to. Or, so we think. I did 5,000 things on a list in 1 year so I am better than the person that only did 4,444 things. Well, better but also I am really living baby!

I really feel that Radiohead's OK Computer really gets the 90s neo-liberal age. That neo-liberal age has accelerated to some monstrosity but I love OK Computer to this day. OK Computer is probably my favorite Radiohead album but it can go back and forth depending on my mood.

I am getting closer to buying Baldur's Gate 3. There is a part of me that feels like this will be worth it. Some level of escape and adventure but I know that in reality BG3 will not solve any of my problems except for maybe boredom problems. I tried to slow it down today and I successfully slowed it down and didn't have any expectations of being active. But the fact that I am calling people on the phone and leaving the house and actually hanging out with people I realize that is more valuable than a video game. I did uninstall Diablo 4 though. I have had about enough of that game. No future in that game. But I have to get over this idea that games are salvation. They are just games. They cure boredom but not emptiness. They can grab us but they don't typically fill up the spirit.


RiKD    United States. Aug 15 2023 03:03. Posts 8404


  On August 14 2023 18:57 PuertoRican wrote:
Show nested quote +


One of the worst moves I've ever seen. Made no sense to return after all these years just to make that movie.



late late capitalism makes that movie

I'm still craving something different. The Other in film form.


Stroggoz   New Zealand. Aug 15 2023 03:16. Posts 5286

Inflation is down as I said would happen in the pols thread several months ago. Paul Krugman has a good article ridiculing the economists like Larry Summers that said otherwise. I was still wrong to some extent because I didn't see greed inflation being a thing at first..but prediction was right anyway lol.

I gave up on the matrix after the scene with the white suit guy where he says: "Ergo, visa vi, bla bla bla". The series got turned into a pretentious freshman philosophy class lmao. What was up with the cake that gives orgasms as well? Didn't get that scene.

One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beingsLast edit: 15/08/2023 03:17

RiKD    United States. Aug 15 2023 03:35. Posts 8404

I don't think anyone has every asked you Strog what are some movies that you like?


Stroggoz   New Zealand. Aug 15 2023 04:11. Posts 5286

Kubrick movies like Barry Lyndon, Paths of Glory.

Also liked the first 3 alien movies.

One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings 

RiKD    United States. Aug 16 2023 23:06. Posts 8404

I haven't watched any of those movies. They look good. Gives me something to do.


I've got 3 colognes. All three are over 10 years old. They still smell good but I have a feeling something is a little off. I used to buy big bottles because they were a better deal. So, I've got all this cologne that the bottles are like 9/10s full and all these cologne samples I never used. I used to go to Sephora and they had a deal where they'd give you a big bag of samples trying to seduce me into shopping there. Men was the segment they were looking to attract next. When I was travelling a lot I would stop at all the Sephoras and collect these giant bag of samples. I never bought anything from Sephora once.

This scent also reminds me of the times I would frequent the bars and the clubs. Jean Paul Gauthier - Le Male. It is a tricky thing using scents. I suppose I settled on one spray on the wrist to put on the arms and then one spray on the chest. I don't actually need sex. My libido can not starve me to death. I miss the eye contact, the kiss, and I've never cuddled after sex. There is survival and there is eudaimonia. Oxytocin can go a long way. Freedom is found in human connection and relationships not in an absence of.

Makeouts and sex without knowing the other's name. These women had potential. Why did we act like this? Even then so atomized in the Big City. I wanted to be a player but did not have the skillset. I ended up being a player (on a small scale) with an alcohol problem (on a major scale). Now, I just sit in this computer chair and wait. To wait is to suffer. No dates on the horizon I just slink into AA meetings and wait (suffer) for them to be over. My goal is to hover (leisurely). To not zap from one thing to the next. Smelling the duration of this scent brings recollection. I take a moment to write the next sentence. To linger. I attempt to travel untrodden paths but really only angels can bring me there. I wait (suffer) to be struck by the arrow of Eros. I wait (suffer) for the eye contact of the Other. I suffer therefore I am.

 Last edit: 17/08/2023 04:54

Stroggoz   New Zealand. Aug 17 2023 04:28. Posts 5286

I think u might like Barry Lyndon the most but I'm just guessing. Might be able to relate to a gambler who goes through big highs and big lows. It's great regardless. I think paths of glory is one of the only war movie i relate to.

One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings 

RiKD    United States. Aug 17 2023 05:43. Posts 8404

You know I was a prudent midstakes gambler for most of my career. To my detriment in all honesty. I just never did stick very well at 5/10 NLHE and plenty could be won lower prior to 2010. I'm sure plenty could be won after 2010 but relatively more difficult. Then I accurately saw the gold rush that was PLO. With some math I just about figured out how to Kelly bet in PLO. The problem with Kelly betting though is that you need to be very accurate with winrate which is something that is impossible to do. My winrates were likely very large in midstakes with a relatively large bankroll which allowed my bankroll to skyrocket. However, in larger games my edge would be smaller especially in PLO. The killers like harrington10 and Galfond are taking a lot of the edge especially in a game like PLO. My biggest problem, however, is that I consciously or subconsciously decided that I was going to risk about $100k to win $2 Million in the 25/50 w/ an ante PLO games on FTP. I thought I could beat these games for 5ptbb/100 and that I could get in 400,000 hands in a year. My biggest problem is that I didn't really consider what would happen if I lost the $100k. I also didn't realize that Guy was not as bad as a 5/10 hurricaner and that the killers were FAR better than even the 10/20 pros. A lot of times the 25/50 was the biggest game that ran. I would be in 200/400 lineups and say I am playing for education. Which is fair but was it a good price for tuition? See how the lines start to blur?

Well, I mean, this story has been told before. It's obvious I lost the $100k. Luckily, I had enough savings to drift for 2 years. Strange times. I read a lot. I basically just read and lifted weights.

Oh. To backtrack though.... I had everyone wanting to stake me for midstakes PLO which I murdered. I declined all offers. Finally, after like 2 months of not playing a hand I realized I had a large rakeback payment on FTP. I was the largest winning player on 2/4 PLO that month. Ran like $4k up to $20k then busto'd the $20k playing 5/10 and 10/20. Risk of ruin is real folks. Manage your bankrolls. That's when I knew I was done playing poker professionally probably for forever. Those stages of grief took a long time. I needed a lot of existential philosophy and Russian literature and lifting to just get past that. I lied and told everyone that Black Friday ended my poker career. Nope, it was unacceptable risk of ruin. I wanted to be a 25/50 with an ante crusher so bad that I lost sight of reality.

My life is weird. Now, I feel really old. I'm almost 40. I was like 25 then. The sad thing is I could have been living like a King down in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Whether if I was a 25/50 star or a midstakes crusher. Nothing costed any money down there and the women are unbelievably beautiful. I remember one night everyone went out for sushi. I can't even afford sushi today but in Argentina I could eat it whenever I wanted and not even blink. Anyways, my friends went out to get sushi. Games felt too good so I said I'll pass. I think I lost like $40,000 that night but just in the manner that it happened was ridiculously tilting. I screamed which scared my neihbor then I punched a hole in my laptop. I knew basically then that my career as a poker pro was probably not looking good. I felt so stuck when I could have been out doing one of my favorite things eating sushi with friends my psyche couldn't handle it. I could be down $50,000 and have the mental toughness or craziness to win back $25,000 or $30,000 but that night I think was the night that broke me. The funny thing is that Guy ended up being the guy that busto'd me online. I am happy I didn't have the delusions to put my savings back into play online. I got to live a couple of years work free which may have not been ideal but I needed a lot of time to get over it and it's tough going from online poker player to any job.

I feel like I am far from making it as a middle manager in retail that can't even afford flights to Buenos Aires or sushi when I want it and the fact that I live with my parents. I don't know what else I could do at this point. I commend you Strog for getting out of poker while you still could and becoming a software engineer. One of my best friends straate who I thought would always beat the games forever and forever got out of poker and put his all into programming and now has a great job as a Data Scientist for a cool company. He tells me to learn code everytime I talk to him and I don't know how to learn it. I remember thinking that non-profits are the place to be but the more I hear about them they sound horrible. There are no jobs to improve the Earth, culture, and society. All the jobs are too busy destroying the Earth, fucking up culture and bringing disease to society.


CurbStomp2   Finland. Aug 17 2023 19:44. Posts 261

It would be great if Krantz or somebody did a documentary about the poker losers. People who couldn't adjust to real life, ones who became insane or drug addicts or tried to traffic drugs and eneded up in Bangkok Hilton. Didn't the one poker player murder some prostitute in Thailand and stuffed her into a luggage?


Stroggoz   New Zealand. Aug 18 2023 03:19. Posts 5286

Yeah, someone on lp met that guy. Hope he got fucked up in prison tbh.

There are lots of dumbasses going around atm saying you shouldn't learn to code anymore because machines can do it. It's still a good idea to learn to code if making software is your thing.

One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beingsLast edit: 18/08/2023 03:27

 
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