I am learning poetry to give me something to do when I can't sleep. The problem is I don't feel like writing poetry. I didn't even know what a line or a stanza was. I never learned. I was allergic to summer reading in high school so I was kicked out of the AP English track. I think part of it had to do with I was conditioned to think poetry was "unmanly." I am quite a different person now to when I was in high school. But in many ways I am still that same guy. It's interesting how that works out.
–––––––––––––––––
I am reading a book about thinking by Heidegger that is quite good. I really should just get back to that.
I hesitated making this blog thread but my musings have nothing to do with podcasts. Not wanting to make this thread inspired me to seek poetry classes so that was good. Except I am unmotivated to write poetry. . .
–––––––––––––––––
"What is thought provoking in these thought provoking times is that no one is thinking." –Martin Heidegger
So many paintings. I have paintings planted all around the house. Some are ok. It's frustrating. I was a better artist at 14 than I am today. That is just the reality of taking medications. The last painting I did I said I wanted to take it seriously and do a still life. I completed that painting. My sister loved it and wanted to hang it in her house. I will never be Cezzane. It's like I ran through everything I thought would be fun to do and there is nothing left. Don't get me wrong. I had a lot of fun painting. Some of the most fun I've had in life was painting. I've just gotten to a point it's like I can't do it. Nothing comes out. The closets are overflowing. I think I need to clean up. I would ideally give them all away but I don't know how to do that logistically. I would also like to burn them all except for the ones that have extra sentimental value to me. Throwing them all away in the trash seems like a waste.
That is partly why I took up poetry. It is something I have thought about for a while. The poems are nice and neat in a word document. There is no mess. I don't just accumulate canvas upon canvas. I have written some poems. They are ok. I get a similar sense of paradise but I don't get lost for hours. The last 2 prompts for my class are really challenging. I keep going back to them and I don't know where to begin or where to go. . .
I fashion myself as this creative person yet I don't really create anything. Well, I did paint 100+ paintings. I was a painter. I love music but am more of a curator. I always say I will dj a show but never do. I created a bunch of songs in a 4 hour burst in my sister's music studio once. That was a lot of fun. DJ'ing is kind of meh anyways just throwing other peoples' tracks into an Ableton. We will see with poetry. What I really need to do is find some actual talented musicians and write lyrics/sing for a punk band. . .
But honestly I might just enjoy lying in bed reading Heidegger and chattering away on here. Well, I don't see myself giving up the Heidegger but singing in a punk band sounds so much more fun than whatever it is I do on this blog.
LIVE punk music is EROS. I don't know why I forgot that. Pulling a brother out of a depression. Any depression needs that period of time of complete D E P R E S S I O N. It was fucking fantastic. I sat in it for a while. Read 2.5 Cioran books. Experienced 2.5 suicidal ideations per minute. The ladder is an exaggeration probably. Suicidal ideations are really hard to judge. I think it is time though. I think it is time to move on. Move on to what? Brighter things? Live punk music. Unfortunately, only acquirable through YouTube at the moment.
In less than a week's time I will be able to bathe in forests and hike up mountains!
1
Santafairy Korea (South). Jul 28 2020 18:38. Posts 2225
interesting stuff
It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen
I sit in this chrysalis I have built for myself while fascist private federal militia storm Portland. Fucking Ayn Rand, Scientology, Kanye West, and the Catholic Church get a billion+. The fucking pentagon gets an extra $30 billion slipped into a recent, convenient Covid-19 bill. If I ever break out of this chrysalis what the hell am I butterflying into?
–––––––––––––––
"You are a sum of your actions." –Jean Paul Sartre
"You are condemned to be free." –Jean Paul Sartre
While we are a sum of our actions I think we must investigate what are behind those actions. As inconvenient as it is for me to not be fully free in my actions that is still the case. There are systems in place since I was thrown into this existence that shape and sculpt we as human beings. It is in my best interest to ignore this and act as if I have total freedom but it's a lie. A lie that most of the psychotherapy community endorse. Changing systems will change the individual and communities and the world. Changing the individual is bandaging a comrade up in a fucked up world. Will I survive this world? No. Are there utopias possible? No. Being an adult is difficult. A task I am not even sure if I am cut out for. What to do in a case like that? I don't fucking know.
––––––––––––
My trip to the forests and mountains is cancelled for now. Someone my sister works with has Covid so we are postponing that trip until future notice. I am sad. That trip gave me hope to get out of this chair but it would be out of this chair and into a new chair. Now, I am just left with my thoughts that I am not meant for this Earth so should finally end it way past due. There are times when existence feels right. There are times when existence feels listless and daunting. I don't know how to reconcile that.
What if the chrysalis is a tomb?
No butterflying in sight. To shine like a diamond. So elusive. Do you know where diamonds come from?
Lithium. Cobalt. . . Now I am just getting discouraged to live. It feels like there is nothing that I can do.
I need to garden, go to the beach, read some great books.
It is a lot of fun but I always worry how it's going to turn out. Right now it's just a lot of colors all over the place. It will end with a lot of (even more) colors all over the place. It is quite a different experience to reading lectures about thinking or writing poetry. I am standing, I am moving, I am painting, I am washing brushes, I am dancing, I am mixing colors, I am painting.
The problem with painting is that one has to let the paint dry. Is this a problem or not? In the afterglow of bliss gives time to fertilize. Breeds time to linger and contemplate. While painting, painting is fiercely the most thought provoking. What color? How? Where? Walking nach Wohnen (abode) from paradise in a slight drizzle of glowing warmness. Nothing is that serious. Not even death.
What is most thought provoking about these thought provoking times is that still no one is thinking.
What is called thinking?
What is it THAT calls us to think? (Heidegger)
Does a thought precede thinking or does thinking precede a thought?
*A thought appears*
A thought is thrown into my consciousness.
I can not think of a thought. What is thought is what is most thought provoking.
Heidegger instructs us to put down the Nietzsche and study Aristotle for about 10 to 15 years. I couldn't tell if it was a joke, a half joke, or deadly serious. I think it was a half joke with deadly serious undertones. I suppose Aristotle is cleaned up fragments of Heraclitus and Parmenides. I suppose that's all you really need. Not that anyone on this forum even gives a fuck. HAH!
I don't know where to start with Aristotle. Probably Heraclitus, then Parmenides, then that brute Plato. Then perhaps the Nicomachean Ethics. I just want that eudaimonia man. Just get me some hits of that eudaimonia man.
Essence. In essence I have the same essence since I was kickin' around in my mum's uterus. Even when I was putting on Birkenstock sandals, Abercrombie and Fitch pants, and Polo shirts like everyone else I still had my essence. I liked smoking pot and playing frisbee and listening to Dave Matthews Band, Bob Marley, and Pink Floyd. All cassette tapes in my cassette tape player in my like '96 Green Dodge Caravan. I remember Julia Absoul's Victoria Secret thong underwear a few desks in front of mine in Global Studies. Xeno Roller and myself used to talk about it outside of class so it was nice I wasn't the only one. I would occasionally see Julia Absoul at parties. I liked her. We both liked to be drunk and high. That's all we really had in common. I was a bit of a nerd in high school just because I was taking Calculus and shit but also because I was an anxious virgin but I also like to get drunk and high and I was talented at sports at the time. I never got a girl to touch my dick. That is an important skill in life. More so a way of living life or being than a skill. I don't know why I didn't get a blowjob from Kim Rauchen. She would have done anything for me at the time and it was common knowledge that she could perform well in that area. I didn't know how to tit for tat at the time. We should have just gotten drunk and fucked at prom but it didn't go that way. Oh well.
Now, I wear 6 year old Bread n Boxers shirt, short and boxer brief. I painted "nous somme tous ... [fractal] [eyeballs][colors]" on the shirt. I wear tattoos everyday. I'm so cool.
I am from Lilac, Ohio. Smells sweetly, the lilac lingers. Just far enough away from industry although many of the citizens work there. Farmers and industry workers and everything in between. 45 minutes from blast furnaces, 20 minutes from rubber factories. About an hour from the Great Lake I was born on. Yes, Ohio is my fatherland. That is the language that I speak.
Last edit: 01/08/2020 05:23
1
Santafairy Korea (South). Aug 02 2020 07:32. Posts 2225
i've gotten jaded about stoicism because apart from epictetus i realized it was just a bunch of rich guys going "hang in there and you'll get through it"
It seems to be not very profitable in the long run to play those kind of hands. - Gus Hansen
I drew this really great drawing of a beautiful woman and then I decided to experiment and this painting is so bad I want to crawl into a hole and die. I thought I could just sneak upstairs and paint like David Choe. . . I've got caught listening to a bunch of his podcasts. $200 milly and an artist is like major f you capabilities. I was listening to Jay-Z earlier for some reason and I wonder if I would live like that. David Choe seemed fucking miserable though in 2015 and seems to be recovering but still miserable in 2020. Sick life. I just want a piece of land, a Toyota Tacoma, a border collie and some sheep to cut the grass. Or just a humble apartment and a car with some air conditioning.
I still have a long way to go with my painting. My last painting was legitimately good but I can do better. My drawing is significantly better than my painting. I have drawn my whole life. I started young and was always drawing. By 15 I probably peaked out a bit at it. My high school art teacher sucked. Then I got addicted to Warcraft III. Then it was poker. I'm in a phase in my painting where I can probably knock out x pretty well. It is kind of boring for me. I'm plateau'd. The only way to get the juices flowing is if someone asks me to paint something for them. So, then there is skin in the game. It gets me pumped up. But even that gets old.
I wonder if I will always be miserable. And what was I thinking listening to Jay-Z. He just brags about his sick life and how great he is. It's kind of absurd. Even Dave Chapelle has envy. I listen to too much Jay-Z and I start thinking I need a Porsche 911 convertible, et al. I'll be alright. I'll be alright. At least for now.
I've got a gesso'd canvas all set for a painting going up on someone's wall as long as I don't fuck it up. That can keep me going.
Are some people just meant to be miserable?
I don't get how some people are happy (if they even are).
God damn it, now I am listening to deadmau5 and Kaskade and feel so alone.
I did start on a trans rights painting which is ok. I didn't know how big to make the boobs and the eyebrows turned out really thick because I used the wrong paint brush. I hope transwomen would not be offended. They are like Frida Kahlo eyebrows with out the unibrow. Frida Kahlo is an absolute hero in my book so . . . but I don't think most if any transgender women would want bushy eyebrows. Oh well.
I am a fucking addict. I've literally spent all day either painting and cooking because it brings me away. My life is a mess. I have no idea what I am doing but when I cook, when I eat, when I fuck my hand, when I paint, when I dance, I am away from it all. I made some bomb fucking ass vegetarian chili. I eat about a bar of dark chocolate a day. I hug my cats. I fuck my hand. I paint. I paint. I paint. I can't smoke the greenest endo leaf so I fucking paint. I don't even fucking care if it's good or bad. Fuck good or bad. Who the fuck is Cezanne? I don't know that fucking guy I just paint because I'm a fucking addict. THE HIGH. Would I do anything for the high? fuck it doesn't matter fuck this I need to find something to paint........
I'm an honorary Pittsburghian... BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK AND YELLOW.
I've actually been in a 3some before. With a white woman and an asian woman. It didn't do much for me about 15 sec. after and it isn't doing much for me now.
I only have a white belt, and yellow belt and a brown belt. I should have had my black belt but I was dumb. Sometimes I just want all of the drugs. I am just writing this blog to FEEL something. Who knows when I can get some sleep.
I'd love to learn the tricks of the graffiti trade.
E R O T I C A A R T P O R N
Alright
Back to painting
If it wasn't obvious I'm some level of manic right now. Just have to ride it out. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Hopefully some of my posting inspires people to continue living life. It's kind of like entering the psyche of a crazy addict manic person. . .
4
PoorUser United States. Aug 07 2020 11:46. Posts 7471
I gotta paint these damn sunflowers like I am going to die. If they suck I can just paint over them. There is no suck or good. fuck that. Only expression and transcendence.
If I am going to motherfucking paint a sunflower I might as well fucking painting a fucking sunflower ya know?
Like I have the ability it just takes some practice and some care. And I am not talking about some photo realistic sunflower or Van Gogh's sunflower or Gaugin or Monet. Fuck that. I just want to paint my sunflower. I am kind of obsessed with Banksy at the moment though.
We are just apes who bathe and put on clothes and eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
United States. Jul 27 2020 07:13. Posts 8534
