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RiKD    United States. Jun 15 2020 23:45. Posts 8445

"Work, Aristotle insisted, in no sense makes you a better person; in fact, it makes you a worse one, since it takes up so much time, thus making it difficult to fulfill one's social and political obligations." ("Bullshit Jobs," David Graeber, p. 254)

"Conservative voters, I would suggest, tend to resent intellectuals more than they resent rich people, because they can imagine a scenario in which they or their children might become rich, but cannot possibly one in which they could ever become a member of the cultural elite." (Ibid. p. 284)

The above quote refers more to some drama critic at The New York Times than me. I may qualify for intellectual but certainly not elite. But I do catch "virtue signaling" shade on here. Cries of "virtue signaling" have gotten out of hand on the internet. Behind every allegation of "virtue signaling" is "moral envy." Yes, everyone should strive to have useful occupation, read books, and give to charity. I am not going to apologize for that. Experimental researchers and teachers should be paid more while many jobs in the financial sector should not exist. So, to all the morally envious people out there. Get your resentments in order bro. Some will say this post in itself is "virtue signaling." U Jelly?

Time to go sniff some of my farts and eat caviar... (brood pensively and eat peanut butter and jelly)


RiKD    United States. Jun 16 2020 00:30. Posts 8445

I'm just fucking around. Brood pensively is redundant. Green tea is soothing.


RiKD    United States. Jun 16 2020 03:20. Posts 8445

"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy." –H.L. Mencken

"Every day we wake up and collectively make a world together, but which one of us, left to our own devices, would ever decide they wanted to make a world like this one?"

"How should society be best arranged to produce the sort of human beings one would like to have around, as friends, lovers, neighbors, relatives, or fellow citizens?" ("Bullshit Jobs," David Graeber, p. 297)

"You can't say 'orange' to your boss." (Ibid. p. 313)

Many relationships are sadomasochistic but there are no safe words outside of BDSM play.

What would a genuine free society actually be like?


RiKD    United States. Jun 17 2020 18:11. Posts 8445

"And yeah, the "strict father" model of parenting that puts all value of the child in their child's social status and career advancement is effectively child abuse." –Loco

I don't know if my dad was as strict as say Asian dads but we was rather strict. I remember getting screamed at and my knuckles rapped if things weren't perfect. It probably would have been much worse if my mom wasn't around. She was against violent punitive measures but "hurt hands" as we used to call them was their compromise I suppose.

It all started with soccer. Professional soccer players run in the family. I am pretty sure professional soccer player was the expectation even though I lived in the U.S.A. and all the professional soccer players in the family grew up in Lancashire, England. A hotbed of football skill and expertise. There is no higher social status in England than Professional Footballer. I was quite good as a kid. I remember one game I was going to be playing against the "best" player in the league. He was the son of a Professional Footballer. My dad got really serious and started strategizing before the game and got like desperate that I do well against this guy. Like he had some big bet with the other dad or something like that. He did have a bet. It was pride. He constructed this elaborate point system that the more points I got the more money I got. I thought it was weird but wasn't going to turn down free money. I ended up completely shutting the kid down (I was Left Back he was the "Star" Right Winger). I don't remember much besides that. I don't know if my dad even paid me the money he said he would. I didn't really care. When I ended up quitting soccer my dad freaked out. I've never seen him freak out to that degree. I locked myself in my room. He was about to break the door down but thought better of it and walked away. I just stayed in my room until my mom came home.

The funny thing is is there is no chance of me playing Professional Football in England. I would have been lucky to play Division I at a crap school in the U.S.A. Crap school in Division I was my athletic ceiling in every sport except for Ping Pong. I was King of the Hill in the area in Ping Pong. There was one Chinese-American R. Chang that could give me a game but at the end he wasn't taking games from me. Although you want to talk about Asian dads. Roland was named after the keyboard/synthesizer company. He would go on to play the hardest Rachmaninoff piece in existence senior year. Wilson was named after the tennis racquet company and was thought of as a slacker despite his Ultimate Frisbee excellence and Northwestern University degree. Ivy league tennis scholarship was supposed to be the plan.

I remember when I was a professional poker player in Buenos Aires, Argentina my dad would talk to everyone about it. When I was getting business back in the steel mill days it was the same thing. Now, I am unemployed and live at home. I don't even get mentioned. Zero mention of me ever even with my grandmother for fuck's sake. It was only until recently that I started applying to grad schools that there is chatter again. I wonder how much this wanting of approval is related to going back to grad school? I think it's more about being trapped in shit jobs and not seeing a way out and wagering that my life as a counselor would be better than this. There is probably some aspect of wanting approval and evidence of continual abuse.


RiKD    United States. Jun 19 2020 07:53. Posts 8445

"I do coke, so I can work longer, so I can earn more, so I can do more coke" –Kill the Noise

Why not just not do coke?

That's what I'm feeling.

There are a number of reasons not to buy the new Nikes. The Louie Vuitton bag. The designer sunglasses. I am mostly over that though. Every now and then I catch a flashback to a former self but fuck consumption.

University is just another business. They have what I think I want. Do they think I am a profitable grad student? Time will tell. I am just waiting on letters of recommendation to come in and z university which I think was my favorite prospect doesn't have a license to operate in my state so that is kaput. I am trying to find at least one other place but I haven't found any other MA in Counseling that is CACREP accredited. It's a little frustrating to just be waiting on the letters.

And all I really want to do is paint. My sister wants me to paint something for their incoming son. I was thinking of painting someone riding a blue whale. Like surfing a blue whale. I don't know. We will have to see. But I am out of canvas, gesso, and paint...

I am just in a weird spot. The application process is out of my hands now besides being a good "manager" to the recommendation providers. Although they are all adults that I asked for help. It feels a little strange to have to nudge them along. Covid cases are blowing up in my state. I am still in quarantine. It might be wise to procure employment. Something that could help me in the application process in the future if I don't get in this time around. I mean only applying to 2 schools seems like kind of a crap shoot.

I am past due talking to my therapist. I see her on Monday. It will actually be our last session together. Shame really. She was great therapist and a great psychiatrist. From my experiences it is rare to find that these days.


RiKD    United States. Jun 19 2020 17:32. Posts 8445


  fuck consumption




  (willing to spend $100k on a prestigious, private education)




The need for psychotherapists actually probably drops substantially post-capitalism. As it stands now the need will only continue to rise. In a post-capitalistic space maybe the stigma surrounding psychotherapy goes down and poor people are actually able to take advantage of it. Although, ending capitalism and sadistic, selfish hierarchy will do more for human well-being. Followed by research. I think there will always be a place for good psychotherapy.


RiKD    United States. Jun 19 2020 19:21. Posts 8445

What is the worst that can happen?

I get my degree and pass (or fail) the licensure test and can't find a job?

I could die in a car accident on my way to get more painting supplies. Would it be worse to be a paraplegic who communicates by blinking my eyes?

I remember there is a movie called "Minimalism" on Netflix. There was this engineer who quit his job to live off of savings and work part-time in a grocery store. There was some romanticism to it. I thought that was the way. Minimalism is the way but I am not so sure working at a grocery store part-time is the way for me. I also don't think it needs to be under this umbrella of "the minimalist movement." Just stop buying shit. You get used to it or at least I did. But I feel that I need or at least want this degree in counseling. They've got me by the balls. I cannot be a psychological counselor with out this degree.

I have Pharrell Williams Adidas sneakers. I have Andre 3000 Tretorn sandals. I am clearly not immune to consumption. And now I am willing to drop some guap on an education? Racks on racks on racks of blacks on blacks on blacks. Is that line about the conditions of the slavery boats or poker chip racks holding hundo chips? I'll turn this blog into a consumption rap song about slavery and private universities.


RiKD    United States. Jun 20 2020 02:55. Posts 8445


  fuck consumption




  (buys $100 worth of painting supplies)



I'm re-upped in the painting department. Painting isn't cheap. Even going cheapo and getting like 70% off deals and 50% off coupons. It ain't cheap. I love it though. Now I am drawing a blank on what to paint. I think there are still some things I want to say about anger, colonization, slavery, police, the state, the establishment. In order to paint a happy blue whale with a rainbow colored tail for my incoming nephew I need to be happy. I don't know if I am particularly happy at the moment. I want to paint dark, intense shit. I was happy when I plucked off a ripe tomato from my garden and ate sun warmed pieces of it with a little bit of sea salt. I was happy when I was shopping for painting supplies. People talk about happiness. Are you happy? Well, yeah, sometimes. No one is in a perpetual state of joy.

And I'm sitting here flirting with some 26 year old model on Tinder listening to Nine Inch Nails "Something I Can Never Have." I still have a lot of contradictions in my life. I use Tinder for validation. Empty validation. I am grasping at validation. So, when I bring up a book on here it is because I have nothing else. I have my reading, I have my painting, and I have my walks. I also cook and masturbate. Not at the same time. That would be complicated. Food brings me pleasure. That's partly why I am overweight. I use food as a drug. I am human, all too human after all.

Applying to grad schools was a nice project for a while there. Now, I am stir crazy and have a bad attitude. It just requires further thinking I suppose. Back to the contemplative life. Back to andante vibes. At least for this weekend then I think it's back on the job hunt. I prefer not to go completely broke. I like the idea of being on the suicide hotline team. I have to go back and see what PoorUser said. Find some thing or things that I can get relevant experience and a potential recommendation provider out of it. I think that's about it. That's the path I must take at this point.


RiKD    United States. Jun 21 2020 06:44. Posts 8445

Ahhhh, painting. It's good to be back.

Opening up the packaging and smelling that fresh, fresh canvas. Smelling the paints. That feeling of the brush on the gesso'd canvas.

I think I worked out a lot of turmoil today. I painted for most of the day, cooked dinner, read some, and had a good wank. It's not about a checklist though. After the orgasm and shower I felt rather bored and squalid. I didn't like the painting I was painting. It was in that awkward teen phase. Well, I finished that painting and it's another one down. BIPOC and LGBTQ have hearts and brains. Fuck hierarchy. ¡Solidaridad! I suppose that is how I would explain my last painting in 3 sentences. The other one would be Black Power 'til I die, Fred Hampton vs Don't Shoot. I think it allowed me to express some emotions. We are all humans just trying to live and figure things out. Seriously, fuck hierarchy. It's a common theme in a lot of my drawings and paintings that I want to give hierarchy the big middle finger. I can paint an archetypal human/spirit giving hierarchy the middle finger but it isn't wise to flip off the pig that pulls me over for going 40 in a 35. And I don't see anyone hanging this stuff on their walls. It's dark and intense but it helps me live life. I am in paradise when I paint. I am not Stone Cold Steve Austin. I can't slug some beers down, flip off authority, and give my boss a "Stunner." I can't give Bezos, Trump, Musk, McConnell, whoever, a chokeslam through a table or a 5 star frog splash.


RiKD    United States. Jun 21 2020 20:27. Posts 8445

Annnnd, I'm out of palate paper. And ideas.

Sundays are good days for reflecting and planning.

I remember I took a lot of heat on here for not getting my dad a Father's Day card and being against it.

I like Tash Sultana performances from her bedroom. That's how I feel when I am painting. Even though most of my paintings are mediocre. That's ok. It gets me through the day. I am alive when I a painting.

The Premier League is on in the background. It appears that Black Lives Matter has somewhat normalized. The libs have decided it's profitable to tag along. I notice that the PGA Golf Tournament has no trace of BLM. This fucking world we live in. I need to read more. I need to get more involved but my state is experiencing the highest number of Covid cases ever. So I read. I contemplate.

Now, it's Deadmau5 "I Remember." I remember Las Vegas 2008. Getting all dressed up for the club @ the Hard Rock. I had on my expensive shoes. I had $3,000 in my pocket in the form of a wad of hundos. I remember the table of coked up horn ball females next to us. I remember feeling powerful as I handed over the wad of cash to the exceptionally attractive waitress. It's all part of the game. It secures a place to sit and bottles of overpriced vodka. "Would you like a drink at my table?" has got to be one of the easiest pick up lines in Las Vegas. I don't know where I am going with this. Partying and getting laid with attractive women is fun. Intoxicating. Driving a powerful car is fun and intoxicating. These things that they advertise to us have some kernel of truth. What about the sick and the suffering? I don't think a progressive tax on the rich is necessarily the answer but so many people in the middle class and upper class have a certain lifestyle. They control society. Even if the numbers are not in their favor.....

Maybe I'll come back to this maybe I won't. I'm hungry.


RiKD    United States. Jun 22 2020 06:45. Posts 8445

Replies: 69
Views: 1337

yes.

Anyways, give me $40,000 and I can help people all day? Hell yeah. $75,000 to manipulate people no thank you. $75,000 is a good number in most places though. I don't ever really want to buy a big house, have kids, buy diapers, and shit like lawn mowers, leaf blowers, 3 car garages, fuck. Maybe it's comfy... man, not really, fuck work. And you get those social climbers trying to take that big leap from say $80,000-$100,000 living like the middle class to living like the upper class. That's a recipe for dissatisfaction. Take $100,000 to Manhattan and see where it leaves you. Soho. Tribeca. Whatever.

Would it be good to normalize a progressive tax on wealth and a universal basic income. The hierarchy is still there there. The systems are still in place. But I'd rather work 15 hours a week and get say $2,000 – $3,000 per month then what is going down currently. Let everything get automated. Destroy a shit ton of bullshit jobs. That has got to be better than what we currently have. On the other hand we need insurrection and revolution to get to completely new political and economic systems before everyone is depressed and the climate is fucked. Everyone already is depressed and the climate already is fucked.

Colin Kapernick gets blackballed out of the NFL for kneeling during the national anthem and I am half-watching this Liverpool vs. Everton football match and everyone is kneeling to start out the game only because some executive somewhere thought it would be good for the brand. But is it good that it is normalized? The cool kids are doing it. The cool kids are doing it. The cool kids are doing it. What about the indigenous populations in the Amazon?

How come no one burned down the banks? The capital building?

And all our presidents are war criminals. It's all complicated I know. But if Cheran can boot out the cartels and the police and the politicians it gives me some hope. I don't know how much of a driver of change I can be sitting here writing journals to myself and Covid-19 hitting new records every day in my state. I just have to keep reading and contemplating and trying to engage change.

I'm on a Radiohead "Hail to the Thief" vibe at the moment. I think I remember that album being about George W. Bush and Tony Blair being a neoliberal disaster. Fuck this. This is stupid. I want to listen to this music but writing this all out is stupid. I'll go finish a mediocre painting. At least that might make me feel good. There is a sex scene in "Monster's Ball" with Halle Berry in which she seems possessed, "Make me feel good... Make me feel good... Make me feel goood." That used to be a large portion of my life. I am hoping to minimize that aspect of my life. It's still prominent to some degree. Halle Berry tried to kill herself. Hard to believe I know but it's true. I was pretty close one time. I'm sure I've written about it on here before. I was blindingly drunk with a santoku knife to my gut. Decided to start burning myself instead. I still carry those scars. That is a lot of pain to be in. That is a hurt animal. I hope I can help save people in similar positions. I am not hurt and broken to that degree anymore. Not that I couldn't go back there or someplace even worse. I need to paint.


RiKD    United States. Jun 22 2020 21:31. Posts 8445

I have to let some paint dry.

I noticed something was missing today. I am missing a lady. Sometimes I only realize it when I listen to certain music or if I go for a walk at the beach which means it's probably not a "need." It is a manufactured want. Although I do have a sexual libido that reminds me every now and again as well. That can be controlled. I either don't have sex and treat it like a mosquito or I just watch pornography and masturbate. The third option is date women and eventually end up in a sexual relationship. As I said that is one area I am lacking in at the moment.

Man, I kind of fucked up this painting I was working on. The colors were beautiful almost too perfect. I goofballed it up. That's ok. I'm hoping I can just paint over some stuff and salvage it. The one color were the color of the shoes of this one woman I told her I would dress her then undress her then fuck her. She could keep the shoes on or off it didn't matter to me. So, I had a shoe fetish. I seem to be over it now that I realized most of the shoes/boots are leather. I wear simple vegan shoes today and the same is attractive in a woman. Part of my anima is a dress designer/makeup artist and general fashion designer. I just want to start with making some t-shirts that I like. But that is just 1 interest. It usually is one of the first interests to just kind of slide. It's either too difficult or it doesn't seem possible.

Oh well, paint is probably dry by now.


RiKD    United States. Jun 23 2020 03:36. Posts 8445

I am sexually frustrated

I am socially frustrated

I am financially insecure

I was in a happy go lucky state and then I painted a ridiculous painting and it is clear that I am down and I have no voice and I am wishing to be relevant. I've got heart and a brain but don't know how to use these things. Should I have just kept the single green eye in the painting or just go apeshit with a light green. It does look good on the magenta but shit man. I might be painted out. I might be Covid'd out.


RiKD    United States. Jun 23 2020 19:13. Posts 8445

I literally just painted a stick figure with a disgusted face. I think I need a break. (I need a break from quarantine – from life).

I just finished "Utopia for Realists" by Rutger Bremen last night. It was ok. I mean I obviously agree that we need a 15 hour work week and open borders. Universal basic income I would love and it might be an upgrade but it might just be reformist bullshit that leads us to more capitalism and hence more shit. This book is for libs by a lib. I don't know man. I don't have the answers. What is going to happen when drought and flooding starts hitting everywhere? I don't like how Rutger looked at these things from a neoliberal capitalist perspective. So many libs. So many libs. The middle class is massive and misinformed. The working class is massive and misinformed. The upper class has no reason to think anything but status quo and the establishment is the way to go. Just get me the capital to have a 3 car garage, a lawn mower, a leaf blower, an edger, a weed whacker... I'll have the best lawn on the street! Or I'll get me a raise and a bonus and hire a whole team of professional servants to make my lawn look better than Wembley Stadium or The Masters at Augusta National!


RiKD    United States. Jun 24 2020 04:10. Posts 8445

Here is where my mind has degraded to thanks to Covid-19:

Poopy (A dedication to Keko Estudio Cortez (pseudonym for my nephew))
acrylic and oil stick on canvas

https://imgbbb.com/image/TxsTZe


RiKD    United States. Jun 24 2020 04:25. Posts 8445

yup



I'm gonna fuck you in my red hot 2008 Honda Civic


RiKD    United States. Jun 24 2020 04:31. Posts 8445



When I go out,

I'm gonna fuck you in my red hot 2008 Honda Civic


RiKD    United States. Jun 24 2020 04:39. Posts 8445

I can't paint right now. I just cant. I'll probably end up shitting on my hands and covering the canvas in shitty shit. I think I actually quite like "Poopy (A Dedication to Keko Estudio Cortez). What I like the most about it is I made a proper ass hole for the poop to come out.

But I have nothing to do right now. I could watch interviews on YouTube but nah. I am actually reading a pretty good book but the battery is dead so I got it charging. The cable is kind of dicey so it loses connection and there is wasted time and it it great but yeah. I just can't paint. I'm pooped out. Fuck it, I guess I'll watch an interview.


RiKD    United States. Jun 24 2020 06:01. Posts 8445

My New Masterpiece:

Poopy II (Further Dedication To Keko Estudio Cortez)
acrylic and oil stick on canvas

https://imgbbb.com/image/TxHzgT

I don't know why this shit is cracking me up so much.


RiKD    United States. Jun 25 2020 18:44. Posts 8445

"Those who wish for peace of soul and happiness must believe and embrace faith, while those who wish to pursue the truth must forsake peace of mind and devote their life to inquiry." –Unknown (Nietzsche or Yalom)


 
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