RiKD Blog Thread

if you ever consider going anywhere in the psych domain, reach out. i'd be happy to help as i can.

i'm a few blogs late but thanks for the fantasy recommendations. you're brother is a G if he's read malazan. that's a 12k page slog. I got about 2k pages through. it was excellent but i had to give up. i'm moving wheel of time up in the queue though. also re: bojack - i think theres no day that fish out of water can't make better.

i know there are some amount of dissenters who read this blog, but im always happy to hear from you. i hope you keep blogging.

You love to dwell on your self pity while blaming others for your misery while doing absolutely nothing to improve your situation and you think that getting along with people who do the same will help.

On May 25 2020 21:52 Baalim wrote: You love to dwell on your self pity while blaming others for your misery while doing absolutely nothing to improve your situation and you think that getting along with people who do the same will help.

"So much self-pity, Arthur. You sound like you're making excuses for yourself."

On May 25 2020 02:23 PoorUser wrote: if you ever consider going anywhere in the psych domain, reach out. i'd be happy to help as i can.

Thank you.

i'm a few blogs late but thanks for the fantasy recommendations. you're brother is a G if he's read malazan. that's a 12k page slog. I got about 2k pages through. it was excellent but i had to give up. i'm moving wheel of time up in the queue though. also re: bojack - i think theres no day that fish out of water can't make better.

I know he got through Malazan but I think it was mostly or all audiobook. He used to have over an hour commute to work and was grinding Malazan on the regular.

Yeah, I have been grinding Bojack myself pretty hard lately. That episode when he is in rehab and recalling certain moments of his drinking career and at the end of the episode he looks at the vodka in the water bottle and it's the cosmos hit me hard. Such a great show.

i know there are some amount of dissenters who read this blog, but im always happy to hear from you. i hope you keep blogging.

There will always be haters. Just the way of the world. There's likely no doubt that I will continue to blog if I am compelled to. And considering I am an unemployed guy in a pandemic there are certainly hours in the day for writing stuff on an online message board.

On May 25 2020 21:52 Baalim wrote: You love to dwell on your self pity while blaming others for your misery while doing absolutely nothing to improve your situation and you think that getting along with people who do the same will help.

I don't blame others. I blame the system of destructive capitalism. And you act like I have been in a permanent state of misery since forever. That is ludicrous. I have had grooves of bliss in quarantine as well as moments of despair. I wouldn't say I've been miserable. I am just a little more down than usual because I am not just in quarantine but now I am unemployed with no real plan. I don't think you really understand my situation. Have you ever had to actually work in your life? The options seem to be either I work a shit job or I somehow figure out how to pay for school for some job that may not exist when I graduate. I educate myself as best as I can on my own. You think I can just put on a suit and get a finance job? That isn't possible nor would I want to do that. I can't un-see what I've seen. My leftist friends are some of the best people I have met and I have met a lot of great people. They help me survive in this world despite what you believe.

On May 25 2020 22:24 Loco wrote: Show nested quote + On May 25 2020 21:52 Baalim wrote: You love to dwell on your self pity while blaming others for your misery while doing absolutely nothing to improve your situation and you think that getting along with people who do the same will help. "So much self-pity, Arthur. You sound like you're making excuses for yourself."

I remember you giving me a lot of shit about posting joker quotes and now you are the biggest fanboy ever.

I'm more of a fan of pointing out how much of a right-wing, "strict father archetype" cliché you are with something that you can easily understand: moving pictures on a screen.

I already have a right-wing "strict father archetype" cliché in the form of the guy who brought me into this existence with out my consent. That is plenty enough as it is!!!

On May 26 2020 03:59 Loco wrote: I'm more of a fan of pointing out how much of a right-wing, "strict father archetype" cliché you are with something that you can easily understand: moving pictures on a screen.

Nah its like the 5th time you've referenced it since it came out, ironic how what you SJWs like yourself tought it would be a fash white cis rage symbol but it became a lefty mentally ill rage symbol.

What is also curious is that in the end Thomas Wayne, the rich, didn't wrong him, it was in fact his relationship with his mother what broke him, does that ring a bell to you, my old friend?

On May 26 2020 05:37 Baalim wrote: Show nested quote + On May 26 2020 03:59 Loco wrote: I'm more of a fan of pointing out how much of a right-wing, "strict father archetype" cliché you are with something that you can easily understand: moving pictures on a screen. What is also curious is that in the end Thomas Wayne, the rich, didn't wrong him, it was in fact his relationship with his mother what broke him, does that ring a bell to you, my old friend?

If that is what you got from the movie... (well Joker didn't even have Batman... and Dark Knight still is on the same point)... then you should probably rewatch it


Malazan books are quite good, I stopped at the 5th one though cause I got a bit bored, will get back to it at some point

On May 26 2020 05:37 Baalim wrote: Show nested quote + On May 26 2020 03:59 Loco wrote: I'm more of a fan of pointing out how much of a right-wing, "strict father archetype" cliché you are with something that you can easily understand: moving pictures on a screen. Nah its like the 5th time you've referenced it since it came out, ironic how what you SJWs like yourself tought it would be a fash white cis rage symbol but it became a lefty mentally ill rage symbol.

I've referenced it 2 times as a response to the victim-blaming you guys are engaging in. I choose it not because it's very meaningful to me, but because it's salient for you guys. I gave the movie 6/10 and openly critiqued the shortcomings of the Joker character being a reactionary/passive nihilist who is not aware that his problem is a political one. If the central message is about mental illness, it certainly isn't about mental illness being inherent in such people; it is brought about by society, which is what you deliberately ignore with all of your cheap talk and "strict father" moralizing about personal responsibility.

Other than that I've only reviewed it in response to your (completely wrong) interpretation of the movie. I wouldn't have bothered otherwise. Here's a reminder with your commentary:

On September 03 2019 04:21 Baalim wrote: Many narrowsighted people will think its just a white-guy-to-shooter movie not realizing in its core its an alike process in many hate-driven ideologies like white nationalism, islamism, radical feminism, antifascism why weep for humanity when you can bring it down and rebuilt it anew, the intoxicating scent of anger makes you feel so powerful and driven, it shut downs all the sorrow, all the sadness, insecurities and doubts, the ultimate drug.

On September 03 2019 05:21 Loco wrote: There is nothing in Joker that suggests that he had "ultra violent dispositions". His character is represented as someone who was just minding his affairs and who was sublimating/coping largely successfully (nonviolently) despite all of the pressures he was facing throughout all his life, up until he could literally no longer afford to live. What drives him over the edge is not so much the getting beaten up and excluded as the loss of his job and the social programs cuts. Even the therapist--the person whose role it is to act as the last resort when all other support systems fail--is living too precariously and is too depressed to be able to do her job properly. He's also given a gun by someone who doesn't give a shit about him or the kind of trouble he might get into, while he himself is self-aware enough to know that he shouldn't be allowed with a gun. The point of the movie is clearly the exact opposite of what you say it is. It is meant to show that anyone who is pushed too far for too long in an endlessly heartless and hostile environment will to turn to violence, they don't need to be "predisposed" to it. He wasn't hate-driven; he wanted to do stand up comedy and indiscriminately make everyone laugh. He loved to bring joy to sick children -- the only people that are more vulnerable than him. A hate-driven ideology by definition excludes certain groups of people based on some hierarchical notion. Anti-fascists literally only exist to oppose this logic. It's like saying firefighters and pyromaniacs are driven by the exact same thing. You don't see firefighters where they are no fires, and you don't see anti-fascists where there are no fascists. Even when you disagree with the tactics they use, it doesn't make logical sense to consider anti-fascism a hate-driven ideology when it literally only ever appears in an effort to resist one. The failure of the Joker character is the failure of his society in maintaining systems of reciprocity and mutual aid all throughout the society. It is the failure of an economic system motivated only by profit-accumulation despite its consequences on the well-being of its members. The Joker character is only made possible through the artificial scarcity that is imposed by the system and the enormous wealth inequality that is maintained and furthered by the social darwinistic forces of such a society. The revolt we see is one of directionless destruction and decay. It doesn't put forth anything new, and fails to unite people against common threats. This is the greatest failure of the story; it indulges itself into a passive nihilism rather than an active one, or some alternative programs to build something new from the ashes. In other words, the revolt only exists to fortify capitalism and its "all for one" logic. When you have violent revolts without any coherent vision to create something to replace it, it only serves as release valve for the anger of the people within it-- for a little while-- until they are smashed and capitalism assimilates them back.

What is also curious is that in the end Thomas Wayne, the rich, didn't wrong him, it was in fact his relationship with his mother what broke him, does that ring a bell to you, my old friend?

Your interpretation here is incorrect too. First of all, billionaires like Wayne are directly hurting the poor, even if it isn't done personally. They are the engineers of the society of burn out and austerity that overworks social workers and destroys solidarities, as well as the defunding of social programs. Arthur no longer had his therapist, and could no longer afford his medication. He was able to keep it together prior to this happening. The only reason that this happens is so that more money can be funneled upwards for the ultra rich to gain even more control over society.

As for Wayne's involvement, he did do something personally wrong too. We learn in the movie that he almost certainly did have that affair with Arthur's mother:

"There are too many things in the film that are red flags. First, the fact that she remembers signing papers not to talk about it stands out, as Penny doesn’t really seem like the type to invent the detail of signing an NDA, nor really even understanding the full implications of it.

Second, Alfred at Wayne Manor immediately recognizes Penny’s name and Arthur’s existence, which seems odd for an incident that probably happens 30+ years ago, implying this was probably a huge deal when it happened at the time.

Finally, the photo really seals it for me, the “Thomas Wayne” signature on the back feels like the final clue that this actually did happen and Penny wasn’t making it up. Given how Thomas Wayne is presented in the film, far from the saintly figure you normally see in most Batman stories, I could easily see him sleeping with a pretty young subordinate, getting her pregnant and then wanting nothing to do with any of it, creating this adoption cover-up story, getting her committed to Arkham and using her abusive relationship against her. Essentially she gets totally gaslit by a rich billionaire and his army of fixers who made this go away. To me, in the context of this film, that seems like a much more likely story than “crazy woman thinks billionaire fathered her child for no reason,” especially given some of the aforementioned evidence.

So yes, this would mean that the Joker and Bruce Wayne are half-brothers in this version of the tale, something I don’t think I’ve ever seen in a Batman comic before, which may offend some die-hards, which is why they might choose to dismiss the notion out of hand. But I think with what Joker is saying about the rich and powerful and their control over Gotham and its citizens, the “correct” interpretation of this tale is that Thomas Wayne really did the bad thing and gaslit Penny. And then Arthur believes the lie and kills his own mother, even if she really was telling the truth the whole time. Tragic."

https://www.forbes.com/sites/paultass...wayne-question-in-joker/#773443ee12b7

On May 26 2020 20:20 Spitfiree wrote: If that is what you got from the movie... (well Joker didn't even have Batman... and Dark Knight still is on the same point)... then you should probably rewatch it Malazan books are quite good, I stopped at the 5th one though cause I got a bit bored, will get back to it at some point

yeah I'll give the fighting with Loco a rest for a few weeks

This guy has the work ethic of a 13 year old. He rather paint his emotions.
Having a job is the number 1 best thing for mentally ill people after medication.

I also thought that while the movie wasn't fully conclusive, thomas wayne being the dad seemed more likely than not, it certainly didn't conclude that his side of the story was true.

On May 28 2020 06:53 CurbStomp wrote: This guy has the work ethic of a 13 year old. He rather paint his emotions. Having a job is the number 1 best thing for mentally ill people after medication.

Said by a dude either:
1) was banned (you have to be quite special to get banned on a forum where there's constant ad hominem that flies freely)
2) is too afraid to post on his own account on an internet forum


You must be some kind of an expert

On May 29 2020 13:17 Spitfiree wrote: Show nested quote + On May 28 2020 06:53 CurbStomp wrote: This guy has the work ethic of a 13 year old. He rather paint his emotions. Having a job is the number 1 best thing for mentally ill people after medication. Said by a dude either: 1) was banned (you have to be quite special to get banned on a forum where there's constant ad hominem that flies freely) 2) is too afraid to post on his own account on an internet forum You must be some kind of an expert

I probably know more than you about rehabilitation of the mentally ill since I'm a recovered schizophrenic and I've been through that. Having a job is incredibly crucial part of mental well being and that's the main focus after medication, at least here in Finland. I can for a fact say that capitalism is not to blame for mental illness lol.

edit: Baal banned me for making a joke about him being white supremacist.

Being mentally ill or having recovered from a mental illness doesn't make you an authority on the broad and extremely complex field of mental health, and it doesn't qualify you to give competent advice on what people should/shouldn't do; especially when the mental illnesses of the person differ from yours. Using your own experience to invalidate that of others is the first sign that no one should actually listen to you. The second sign is saying that you "know for a fact" something that you are quite obviously ignorant about is false when there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Third sign is using someone's artistic outlet to shame them.

Must be nice to live in one of the countries with the best social safety net in the world and be a capitalist apologist. It's like being put through ivy league schools and given a few million dollars to start a business by wealthy parents and then looking down on people from a different a socio-economic class and thinking they're just dumb and lazy for not being where you are.


Yeah, having a job helps with mental health a lot of the times, because we live in a capitalist society where if you are without a job you can't meet your basic needs, and unemployment is socially shamed and alienating. Most people have internalized this shame along side with the religious, Protestantism-derived concept of the work ethic, and the idea that we ought to contribute to society, even when that society doesn't care whatsoever about our well-being and it is as a whole degenerative.

But it's also true that the work itself can be a source of shame for many people (see David Graeber's work on "Bullshit Jobs'') and depression, even more so for those who aren't neurotypical.

Its true that we shame people who abuse our generous welfare system. We call them rats. Shaming is an effective way of making them seek different kind of lifestyle.

Living on benefits feeds depression because you are not part of society and therefore rats feel worthless.

I wouldn't shame Rikd if he wasn't capable of working due to his illness, but that doesn't seem to be the case. He's just constantly complaining that the whole concept of working is bullshit and that he is somehow oppressed by capitalism. It very much seems to me that he's stuck on some teenage angst in this thirties.

Also, I just repeat what mental health professionals have told me and how this system has been working effectively for a very long time. Just because he has different illness than mine doesn't mean that working isn't good for him lol. Never have i heard a psychiatrist curse that damn capitalism for making people bipolar. The percentage of mentally ill is the absolutely same regardless if you are in States or in generous Finland.

On May 28 2020 06:53 CurbStomp wrote: Having a job is the number 1 best thing for mentally ill people after medication.

This may be your experience but I can tell you this is the not the blanket consensus of the field. It certainly is helpful for some people, some percent of the time. But that varies by person, culture, job and disorder. It's worth pointing out that for schizophrenia specifically, most people in the field argue that the "number 1 best thing" (after medication probably) is to find yourself in an environment low in expressed emotion from others (note - high EE refers to overinvolvement from caregivers, shaming person for illness, etc; and does not refer to the ability to express emotions well [annoyingly named variable]). High EE tends to be the most robust predictor of relapse for those with schizophrenia.

The percentage of mentally ill is the absolutely same regardless if you are in States or in generous Finland.

I can't speak for USA v Finland specifically, but this is generally not true from country to country. You see varying net prevalence of mental disorders from different countries. This happens for tons of reasons. One worth looking at relative to your post is SES. In the USA, and most other countries too, you see higher prevalence of certain mental disorders at differing SES levels. There's a lot to unpack in that alone, but it should immediately make one consider the impact that one's job has on one's mental health.

Also of note, even when countries have similar total percentages of mental illness, the proportion of those mental illnesses still differ from country to country. There are a not small amount of psychological disorders that only appear in certain cultures as well (e.g. ataque de nervios, taijin kyofusho).

Year of the Rat baby. I'm a rat and I cannot lie. I tell you what would make me less depressed. A $2k check in the mail each month. Let me be and find social connection on my own terms. Not through depressing work. I don't know who these people are who enjoy work? Most of the time it's complete self-delusion. What do you do CurbStomp? I'll tell you what makes me depressed the fact that my parents are both immune compromised and old and it isn't prudent to go to Food Not Bombs tomorrow or to George Floyd protests today. I also have to sit and listen to their theories on protests or listen to how great SpaceX is. Or my dad #1 apologist for capitalism, Donald Trump, Big Business, alt-right, military industrial complex, et al. I don't need all the same bullshit when I come on here. The boom and bust cycles of capitalism is what brought me to psychosis at age 30. My psychiatrist has said capitalism is terrible for mental health and it's pretty clear that this is true. Going back to work will help my bank account but that is about it.

I just have to sit and watch everything from my chair. The State disgusts me. How am I supposed to live within this system?

On May 31 2020 02:31 RiKD wrote: Year of the Rat baby. I'm a rat and I cannot lie. I tell you what would make me less depressed. A $2k check in the mail each month. Let me be and find social connection on my own terms. Not through depressing work. I don't know who these people are who enjoy work? Most of the time it's complete self-delusion. What do you do CurbStomp? I'll tell you what makes me depressed the fact that my parents are both immune compromised and old and it isn't prudent to go to Food Not Bombs tomorrow or to George Floyd protests today. I also have to sit and listen to their theories on protests or listen to how great SpaceX is. Or my dad #1 apologist for capitalism, Donald Trump, Big Business, alt-right, military industrial complex, et al. I don't need all the same bullshit when I come on here. The boom and bust cycles of capitalism is what brought me to psychosis at age 30. My psychiatrist has said capitalism is terrible for mental health and it's pretty clear that this is true. Going back to work will help my bank account but that is about it.

Oh boy, your father must be really proud of you. I mop floors and plan to go to Uni someday.

Edit: Please don't go loot TVs with other thugs.

It's funny that I resent my father but still want to make him proud. I remember reading somewhere that I should live as if my dad were dead. He is not dead and I live with him so that is difficult to do. I got that advice from some pseudo PUA self-help guru anyway so probably not very valid. It's funny that crap from self-help gurus still rattle around in my brain.

My parents had me without my consent. I think I would probably just rather have never existed. That doesn't mean I want to commit suicide but I do think about it.

There is virtually no social safety net here. I can't even get on Medicaid. There is no going back to Uni unless I want to go hundreds of thousands into debt.

Now, you are insinuating that I am a thug... The largest thug of them all is the Neo-Fascist in the White House. He is going to designate antifa as a terrorist organization. I wonder why?...

If I'm being honest I enjoyed seeing McDonald's and cop cars burning.

It does suck that education there is so expensive. But if that's your only option to get ahead in life, why not?

Why don't you make your pop happy and get a job and move to some lefty commune with other like minded people who you can share the rent with?

On June 01 2020 13:36 CurbStomp wrote: It does suck that education there is so expensive. But if that's your only option to get ahead in life, why not?

There are obviously reasons not to. But I am currently wagering on graduate school. First step is to apply and see if I can get in anywhere.

Why don't you make your pop happy and get a job and move to some lefty commune with other like minded people who you can share the rent with?

It's not my life's goal to make my pop happy. I could try and try and fail anyway. As I said I resent my dad. Not super bitter resentment but it's there. Yet, I still want to make him proud. The former and the ladder is a failing but I think the ladder is a larger failing. Not that I should live as if he is dead. That is silly. I am still going to talk to him especially on birthdays or whatever days or if I see him which is just about every day under the sun.

Sorry, everyone doesn't make $20/hr here like in Finland. It's not easy to move out and pay rent. It's not something I even really want to do. I don't want to own a home and have to manage all of that and I don't want to be at the beck and call of some landlord either. It's another lose/lose proposition. So, I continue to exist. Things will change. It will just take an un-bearingly long time. So, I continue to exist. I would consider living in some lefty commune but obviously I can't fly to Finland for example to achieve that end.

So, I just continue to exist. I started an application today. I have to wait until I get my transcript to do much more. So, I just continue to exist.

Schräg Stimmung

I'm in sort of a weird mood tonight. I feel as if I am out on an island. My parents are here but I am so sick of their inane takes on so many topics. It feels worse than having no one in my life. My parents are immuno-compromised meaning they don't want me doing anything. It feels like everyone is out there doing what they do and I am just here excluded and no one gives a fuck. It's a bad feeling man. And it's probably the truth which hurts more. Cuts me deep. I haven't thought about cutting... until now. I've never cut myself but I have burnt myself. I can understand the feelings of the rioters because I could go for burning some symbol to the ground. My paintings have been intense lately. I'm officially out of canvases. A lot of harakiri, burning, crosses, crucifixion, Jesus, death, nothingness, consciousness, spirit, heart. There is one where I am crying tears into what appears to be God's disembowelled innards. His/her heart is still beating. There is another where Jesus is burning at the cross.

I worry what Trump's administration is capable of.

On June 01 2020 21:46 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On June 01 2020 13:36 CurbStomp wrote: It does suck that education there is so expensive. But if that's your only option to get ahead in life, why not? There are obviously reasons not to. But I am currently wagering on graduate school. First step is to apply and see if I can get in anywhere.   Why don't you make your pop happy and get a job and move to some lefty commune with other like minded people who you can share the rent with? It's not my life's goal to make my pop happy. I could try and try and fail anyway. As I said I resent my dad. Not super bitter resentment but it's there. Yet, I still want to make him proud. The former and the ladder is a failing but I think the ladder is a larger failing. Not that I should live as if he is dead. That is silly. I am still going to talk to him especially on birthdays or whatever days or if I see him which is just about every day under the sun. Sorry, everyone doesn't make $20/hr here like in Finland. It's not easy to move out and pay rent. It's not something I even really want to do. I don't want to own a home and have to manage all of that and I don't want to be at the beck and call of some landlord either. It's another lose/lose proposition. So, I continue to exist. Things will change. It will just take an un-bearingly long time. So, I continue to exist. I would consider living in some lefty commune but obviously I can't fly to Finland for example to achieve that end. So, I just continue to exist. I started an application today. I have to wait until I get my transcript to do much more. So, I just continue to exist.

I'm sure you could afford a room somewhere with pizza making money or whatever. These things are part of being an adult. You are not meant to live with other peoples money while being capable of making your own.

edit: Just had a therapy session via skype with my psychologist. We had a nice laugh about "overwhelming evidence" of capitalism being the reason for mental illness.

So, I banned CurbStomp, Santafairy and hiems from my blog. Those guys are a waste of space. I don't know if they can still read this or they just can't post? Oh well. Que sera sera. Good riddance.

My life has actually been looking up the last couple of days. I have been applying to graduate schools. It's a pain jumping through all the hoops like getting transcripts, getting head shots, getting letters of recommendation, et al. but it has been something to do and I am hesitantly excited at the prospects. There is still a long way to go and I need to get accepted of course but talking about the courses and structure has gotten me fired up a bit. So, it's a slog. Specifically the letters of recommendation. I think I have one person I can count on but don't know beyond that. I need 3 for one of the schools. I figure I just keep taking things a step at a time ya know? I mean something as simple as a headshot is actually kind of annoying to accomplish. I feel like I can't just send them a mac photo booth selfie from a year ago. But I don't really want to go out and do some professional 2 hour shoot either. Oh well. Just 1 step at a time, 1 day at a time. I hesitate to even bring any of this stuff up although I am resolute in following through so far. It feels like an out. It feels like I have outs.

The reason I hesitate to bring it up is similar to my sister not telling anyone she's pregnant. It's still early days but so far everything has been positive. And this isn't really the most supportive website in the world. I would actually think that most on here have good wishes for my well being but some rotten apples can spoil the vibes. Hopefully, discarding some of the rotten apples will have a positive impact.

So, that's how I spend my days: Apply places, go for walks... at night I DESPAIR when there is nothing to do. I am trying not to buy literally anything this month. My Calibre/Kindle isn't working so no new books. DESPAIR! No more canvases and I don't want to paint over any of the painted ones at this point. DESPAIR! So, all I really have is Liquid Poker. Now, there is a scary thought.

I am not really thrilled with the schools outside of my top 3. I might just apply to my top 3 and if I don't get in it wasn't meant to be. Dunno if that is GTO strat or not.

So, yeah, maybe my life is going somewhere? I really don't know. It feels like the margins are always so damn slim for a guy like me. I would definitely enjoy learning in a grad school environment. I would really enjoy spending my time helping people. I think I have to give it my best shot and see what happens.

I also just thought about this tangent my dad went on tonight to give you a taste of what I've been dealing with.

"So, I was looking up violence and African-American on African-American violence is the highest. So, like I've been saying what happens when there is an African-American family fighting another African-American family with guns and the bullets are flying? What is the cop supposed to do? Oh, and I'm also surprised the Latino violence wasn't higher. I guess maybe they use knives. Yeah, they use knives. Knives are their modus operandi."

dunno if you mind the questions but what type of program are you applying to? do you have to take the gres/write a personal statement? i can tell you that unless you have the GOAT application, acceptance to a gradschool can be a bit of a crapshoot.

i also had trouble with the letters of rec. i needed 3 for each program, with at least 2 being professors. i had to go back and take classes at unlv and join some research labs to get strong letters before applying. if you are willing to play the longer game, thats a pretty good route to take if you have the time.

I can help fix your Kindle issue, what is it? Most likely you can just reinstall Calibre and use the cable transfer method though.

On June 04 2020 09:23 PoorUser wrote: dunno if you mind the questions but what type of program are you applying to?

MA in Counseling

do you have to take the gres/write a personal statement?

Yes

i can tell you that unless you have the GOAT application, acceptance to a gradschool can be a bit of a crapshoot.

i also had trouble with the letters of rec. i needed 3 for each program, with at least 2 being professors. i had to go back and take classes at unlv and join some research labs to get strong letters before applying. if you are willing to play the longer game, thats a pretty good route to take if you have the time.

Hmmmm. I guess I will have to think about that.

On June 04 2020 09:31 Loco wrote: I can help fix your Kindle issue, what is it? Most likely you can just reinstall Calibre and use the cable transfer method though.

I dl from libgen.is to my Calibre everything is good.

It converts it fine when I send to my Kindle. "Sending email to..."

I'm running Calibre 3.48 because my Mac is OSX El Capitan version 10.11.6

Everything is fine until:

send: AUTH
reply: '535 Authentication credentials invalidrn'
reply: retcode (535); Msg: Authentication credentials invalid

Sending failed...

Then it just cycles through that until Calibre says Job: "Email x to y" failed with error:

Traceback (most recent call last):
File "site-packages/calibre/gui2/threaded_jobs.py", line 84, in start_work
File "site-packages/calibre/gui2/email.py", line 101, in __call__
SMTPAuthenticationError: (535, 'Authentication credentials invalid')

Email option isn't the only option. USB cable transfer should always work when email fails. You just plug it in your Mac, wait a few seconds, select your book, and press the Send to Kindle button (or Send to Device) that appears in the top row.

You might have to use a different email if you want to fix that, I also had to in the past. The best one for Calibre is a GMX email. Just follow a guide for doing this, it's easy enough. https://manual.calibre-ebook.com/faq.html#i-cannot-send-emails-using-calibre

Thank you!

My cable is dodgy but it still works. I'm back in action.

Feel a little sick I threw like a hundo away at Amazon for no reason. I once spent $3,000 in a sitting on iTunes back in the day all on songs and albums. I once spent.... I don't even want to get started on that game. The nausea is oncoming.

ask for a refund

On June 04 2020 17:28 RiKD wrote: Show nested quote + On June 04 2020 09:23 PoorUser wrote: dunno if you mind the questions but what type of program are you applying to? MA in Counseling   do you have to take the gres/write a personal statement? Yes   i can tell you that unless you have the GOAT application, acceptance to a gradschool can be a bit of a crapshoot.

I know you're still in the feel it out phase but that'd be awesome if you applied. You should look into clinical psych and social work MA programs too. If you plan to stop at the masters level, there is a high level of overlap between what the degrees will do for you. I'm more familiar with doctoral level programs re: admissions standards, but I know a lot of those programs wanted to see some level of clinical or research work. That is probably less the case with masters programs, but anything you can add that is clinical work (work with autism, suicide hotline, maybe big brother etc.) or a job (maybe even just an activity) that has an overlap with clinical skills (e.g. teacher) will likely help a lot.

I think it's probably realistic to get into MA programs on your first try if you put together a generally solid application (and apply to a decent amount of programs). If you don't though, I wouldn't get discouraged. Just improve your application over the next year and apply again.

Re: GRE's and personal statement - I'm sure you'll do well on the GREs. All psych programs heavily prioritize the verbal score. The quant and writing parts are generally more of a do no harm type thing. Also, I'm happy to look at your personal statement whenever you write it. I got a lot of input on mine, so I should be able to give some useful feedback. And of course, don't mention poker (lol).

Happy to help answer with any other questions. My program is in NJ, so I know a small amount about programs in NJ as well.

On June 05 2020 02:24 PoorUser wrote: Show nested quote + On June 04 2020 17:28 RiKD wrote:   On June 04 2020 09:23 PoorUser wrote: dunno if you mind the questions but what type of program are you applying to? MA in Counseling   do you have to take the gres/write a personal statement? Yes   i can tell you that unless you have the GOAT application, acceptance to a gradschool can be a bit of a crapshoot. I know you're still in the feel it out phase but that'd be awesome if you applied. You should look into clinical psych and social work MA programs too. If you plan to stop at the masters level, there is a high level of overlap between what the degrees will do for you. I'm more familiar with doctoral level programs re: admissions standards, but I know a lot of those programs wanted to see some level of clinical or research work. That is probably less the case with masters programs, but anything you can add that is clinical work (work with autism, suicide hotline, maybe big brother etc.) or a job (maybe even just an activity) that has an overlap with clinical skills (e.g. teacher) will likely help a lot. I think it's probably realistic to get into MA programs on your first try if you put together a generally solid application (and apply to a decent amount of programs). If you don't though, I wouldn't get discouraged. Just improve your application over the next year and apply again. Re: GRE's and personal statement - I'm sure you'll do well on the GREs. All psych programs heavily prioritize the verbal score. The quant and writing parts are generally more of a do no harm type thing. Also, I'm happy to look at your personal statement whenever you write it. I got a lot of input on mine, so I should be able to give some useful feedback. And of course, don't mention poker (lol). Happy to help answer with any other questions. My program is in NJ, so I know a small amount about programs in NJ as well.

Lately, I've kind of dove in. I am in the depths of 2 applications and once I find my bearings a bit 3 and hopefully I can find another suitable school but I am doing all online right now. I have my first admission interview on Tuesday. I am biased towards online because that is what my sister did and loved the experience. It's probably a leak not to look into brick and mortar. What is available in NJ? I am also biased to existential psychotherapy due to influences from Irvin Yalom as well as my love and the impact that the great Existentialists have had on my life. As well as people like Ernest Becker, Otto Rank, Carl Jung (and of course Freud). I would love to be a Psychiatrist or I could even see myself in research. Projects at NYU with therapy and psilocybin aiding with alcoholism and depression, MDMA and therapies helping PTSD, and the like fascinate me. So, I really don't know where I will end up but it just feels like an MA in Counseling is the first step. Ideally I want to be in the trenches helping people. And that goes for now too. I like your suggesting of getting involved asap. With my experience in being sober I might be able to get a job in some sort of rehab reasonably soon even though that is not the end goal. I feel like for alcoholism to the degree I had it is kind of out of reach of a psychiatrist or a therapist to treat especially when I am only seeing them once a month or a therapist (not trained in recovery) every other week. I think I actually needed the daily support of other alcoholics on my journey to a "spiritual experience" as hokey as that may sound. But, anyways, I like your suggestions to get involved asap. Whether it be with autistic people, suicide hotline, big brother, teaching. I should be doing these things anyways. I have spoken to the enrollment people about AA and helping people and it seems to be a positive but it would be nice to have some things on paper professionally.

I might have to take you up on looking at my personal statement. I don't really see how I avoid talking about AA since I've already spoken to all the enrollment people about it and that's really what inspired me to want to help people. I was going to talk about how I lost a lot of money playing poker and quit and self-medicated with Dostoevsky, Sartre, Nietzsche but it couldn't overcome my alcoholism and bipolar I. Like, before I hit my bottom and had what Carl Jung called a "spiritual experience" or "psychic change" I was selfish and didn't really care about helping people. But now that's all I find valid. That is what inspired me. But I probably don't have to talk about losing a bunch of money playing poker lol. I'll have to figure it out. I think some of my experiences set me apart from some applicants but I don't want to kill my chances with some raucous stream of consciousness blog post.

I appreciate the help. I think I was going about this a little too blahzey and you have kind of inspired me that I need to fucking bring my A game or else I could be spending all this time on applications to get denied across the board. And the insight that there is always next year as well. It has opened my eyes that I need clinical experience regardless of what happens.

Yeah, man. The flexibility and cost of online programs are great. They are probably more in demand now than ever given the pandemic. However, research opportunity (definitely) and clinical work (maybe) [both covered below] might be more difficult to secure. Existential psychotherapy is dope, and there is definitely a lack of competent clinicians in that field (though there are probably similarly a lack of clients seeking out that modality). It sounds like you like a lot of psychodynamically oriented people. While that orientation has lost some steam nationally (to more cognitive behavioral themes), there are still a good amount of people who practice it (and clients who favor it). The biggest locus of dynamic practitioners is in NYC actually, so getting good training locally is realistic if you are in PA. I actually applied to NYU for my yearly externship this coming year where they are doing a lot of that cool research you mentioned, but I got bounced pretty hard.

Rutgers, William Paterson and Kean all have strong psychology masters programs. Rutgers is outrageously good and have a psychology-based masters specifically related to alcoholism/addiction. I don't know much about the online route but one thing I would be sure to investigate is if it requires/sets up an opportunity for an internship at the end of your program (I know that some online programs definitely do this). Almost all clinical psych MA programs require either a half year or year internship at the end of the program (I'm less knowledgeable about counseling psych programs). I've heard good things about the level of rigor for some online schools generally when speaking about the academic side, but you want to make sure that you are getting clinical experience somehow as well. It's just a qualitatively different experience from book learning and will supplement your learning massively in the field. I am not entirely sure, but I feel like getting an MA from a program that didn't require some type of clinical work would probably make it much more difficult to put your MA to use.

It's also worth noting that a lot of times if you go to a terminal MA program, those credits won't completely transfer over to a doctoral program. I think all doctoral programs allow for a max of one year worth of credits to be transferred from a MA program. So basically, if you get a MA (2yr) and later decide to pursue a doctorate (5yr), the whole process would take 6 years (at least, if all of your credits transferred) of study (whereas some people can be admitted to a doctoral degree with just a BA and then just get their MA through the school as a formality en route to the doctoral degree). This came as a bit of a shock to me, as I had planned to get my MA @ 30'ish and then go back late 30'ish and finish out the doctoral degree. I'm not saying to start firing up phd/psyd apps or anything like that, but this is something that is poorly explained most places and tripped me up. In that sense, MAs have two main purposes: 1) Getting a job that requires an MA or 2) Using it to strengthen your application to a doctoral program. Again, I'm talking more about clinical than counseling psych but I suspect they are similar (I think counseling psych doctoral programs generally want people with masters applying actually, whereas with clinical there is a bit more room). That all said, I'm not trying to be a negative nancy. If you go down this route, the field needs way more smart, introspective people (and bias obviously, but I think it's a great career choice). Just pointing out some of the stuff I had to figure out when I was asking the same questions a few years back.

Re: personal statement - I'm sure you'll google some examples as you start that will help with tone, but there is a bit of a first date type thing going on. You generally want to avoid things that are too heavy, and if you can't, you wan't to talk about them in as positive as a way as possible. Avoid talking about heavily stigmatized activities (poker). It's mostly a tone dance. You want to come off as being motivated and unique, but not scary, boundary-less or impulsive. Reach out whenever about it.

Thank you for that mass of information

So far, I think every program I'm applying to has at least 1 year of practicum and internships. I will have to double check that though because I can see that being vastly valuable for a number of reasons. It will be a question I will be asking my enrollment advisors for sure.

It's good to know about the terminal MA program credits and transferability to PhD programs. I am not that concerned about it as my sole focus is "Getting a job that requires an MA" and not "Using it to strengthen my application to a doctoral program" so I am in a space that if I do change my mind and want to go into research or something like that I will just have to suck it up and do what I have to do. My sister is thinking about getting a PhD in Counseling from Oregon or Oregon State in the "Philosophy of Counseling" which sounds really interesting and I think all of her credits would work towards it (She has a MA in Counseling). Learning about all the different strats and ideas is really interesting to me. As a client I am not so keen on CBT and the like but currently am doing a more dynamic practice. I think honestly I would like to lie down on some abstract couch and smoke cigarettes and talk about my dreams. My Doctor/Therapist is practiced in that area as well but I don't think she is allowed to do it while in her current residency. This is a little weird maybe but I had a friend who had a perfect antique couch and I was a bit manic and didn't give a fuck and just lied down on the couch and it was super comfortable and started talking and she just sat there and listened and asked questions and we smoked cigarettes and I told her things I hadn't told anybody and she didn't bat an eye and it was one of the most cathartic pieces of time in my life (I won't use that in my personal statement). What I am saying is all the different types of therapies fascinate me. I must learn. I must help people.

And a continuation of that last post maybe MORE important than psychotherapy is TOTAL LIBERATION by Anonymous. I grabbed it for free from the Anarchist Library.

If my goal is to aid in the reduction of existential suffering on the planet earth this book is pretty important. That is human liberation, non-human liberation, and earth liberation to be exact.

"Businesses will be successful, in the eyes of capitalist logic, to the extent they're profitable. Which mean that the success of the capitalist economy equates, roughly speaking, to the extent to which it uses up natural resources."

The more natural resources a business uses up the more profitable they will be. Clearly that is a problem. As well as it can be said that the more a business exploits its labor the more profitable they will be.

"Capitalism offers no hope of a way out. Its need for growth is absolutely insatiable."

"At such an unforgiving moment in history, there can be no pretensions of neutrality: working for the economy can only mean complicity in our own annihilation."

Are you complicit in our own annihilation? I don't ever want to be guilty of that ever again in my life. Although I sometimes eat dairy products. I ate some greek yogurt tonight because I added too much habanero pepper sauce to my tacos and I needed relief from the capsaicin. And there was shrimp in the tacos because I rationalize that they don't feel as much pain or have a clue what's going on and my mom made dinner and I can't afford my own food at this point. So, I am still guilty but I don't ever want to be guilty of it in regards to employment or anything really but I'm working on it.

"to assume control of the very system that's destroying us – merely implies self-managing not only our own exploitation, but also that of the planet."

"Marxism has had its day. If we wanted to be a little diplomatic, we could say this isn't so much a criticism of the theory itself, more a recognition of the fact that the world it was designed to engage with no longer exists. If we wanted to be a little less diplomatic, moreover, it should be added that what's left of Marxism is utterly boring, reformist, and kept "alive" almost exclusively by academics"

"Total liberation means embracing the fullest multiformity, wild and ungovernable."

Let's bring social hierarchy to ruin!

If it's all networks of 6 close people + 6 + 6 + 6 ... it makes sense that that is the way to do it. AA likes to claim itself as an anarchist organization but it is hella stale and bureaucratic. If there is one sector of 6 that is wildin' out and throwing stuff through windows is that the worst thing in the world?

I like the idea that we can never win in a frontal assault. Because clearly we cannot.

We gotta finda' get active now. Ni dieu ni maître!

I feel like it was pretty amazing that within every 50 states of the U.S.A. there were protests. We can all only get better at protests and learn from each other. And I mean that globally.

But in my exuberance I forgot this is a poker website not an anarchist website. I would love to sneak off to Food Not Bombs tomorrow but that would be a rather selfish thing to do. I guess I'll just continue reading the book.

life is not merely something to get through

(as much as it may feel like that at times for me)

"In order to reinvent itself as a true historical force, however, anarchism must increase its ambitions massively, reclaiming every condition of existence – food, shelter, education, medicine, transport, entertainment, social care – in the names of autonomy."

"In short, anarchy expands by making it liveable."

"This isn't a matter of counting down the days until the shit hits the fan, quite the opposite: the crisis is already here. Social hierarchy, in its very essence, is crisis."

Now, I am done with the book and it's time to read another book. Hopefully, I comprehended this last book and will remember it sufficiently moving forward.

Poll: Are you against hierarchy?
(Vote): Yes
(Vote): No
(Vote): Maybe

"The way I found that works for me is I theme my days. On Monday, at both companies, I focus on management and running the company…Tuesday is focused on product. Wednesday is focused on marketing and communications and growth. Thursday is focused on developers and partnerships. Friday is focused on the company and the culture and recruiting. Saturday I take off, I hike. Sunday is reflection, feedback, strategy, and getting ready for the week." - Jack Dorsey (2011)

I used this theming my days to great success back in the day as a contractor. I am back to doing some form of it today. So, today is reflection, feedback, strategy, and getting ready for the week.

I have ran into a wall in for the form of some big ask behemoth resume for one of the applications:

"Please attach a detailed resume or curriculum vitae accounting for all time periods from the start of your undergraduate studies to the present, beginning with your most recent activities.
Describe those academic and clinical experiences that you listed in the Curriculum Selection chart above. Include schooling, part-time, summer and full-time work experience, travel, job search, etc.
Specify dates, employer/school, job title, average number of hours per week, and primary responsibilities.
Pay particular attention to describing activities in the field of mental health. List honors received or other evidence of high scholarship (Phi Beta Kappa, Beta Gamma Sigma, etc.)"

I have a 2 page professional resume that I modified a bit before I read the fine print and it is a bit of a punch to the stomach. The self-doubt is creeping in. I guess I just have to talk to my enrollment advisor about it. That's what she is there for. After this I have the letters of recommendations which I don't know how to secure or am afraid are going to be weak sauce. Then it's the essays which could be strong. They better be strong. I think my only hope is to have strong essays and strong interviews. Oh well, I guess I just do the best I can and that is all I can do.

I have been wondering if it would be better just to go to work at a rehab or a detox or something like what PoorUser brought up. Get some experience in mentoring, counseling, case manager, resident assistant, peer-mentoring, activities in youth groups. I can find out if I even like it and don't have to go $100,000+ in debt (yet). I have 0 experience in any of this besides AA. It's always tricky. I would volunteer to be on a suicide hotline but I also have to eat and pay bills. I would volunteer to work on the floor of a dual diagnosis (or single diagnosis) psych ward but I also have to eat and pay bills. I would volunteer to go in to rehabs and detoxes but I also have to eat and pay bills. I think that is why a lot of these jobs are filled up and/or low pay is because people would do them for free. And I am so sick of these shit jobs. I can't get back into that cycle. The shit jobs that paint my resume. I need to find something useful that doesn't suck. Counselor seems to fit the bill. $100,000+ in debt sucks and to be honest academia grinds my gears a bit. The idea of these super expensive, prestigious private universities piss me off. I am more of a Food Not Bombs guy. "Offices held?" fuck you mother fucker we're a rag tag bunch of leftists supplying food for communities in need. There are no offices held. No we are not tied into the government in any way.

That's why I want to work in something outside of alcoholism/addiction in the mental health field. Because I would happily help someone in need for free. I would do this in any aspect of mental health but I also need to eat and pay bills. A "real alcoholic" will probably receive better treatment from free daily support from other "real alcoholics." Whereas someone with Bipolar I desperately needs a good psychiatrist and therapist. There is no free support group I can go to help with my Bipolar I. Actually there is but it was a small group that met once a week. The community isn't really there to support it. But an outpatient program and psychiatrist and therapist was more than adequate. But I do have 6 years experience of helping alcoholics and drug addicts even though I would do it for free and should do it for free. I am in conflict.

Fuck the system. But I need that system if I want to get an adequate education and certification. Fuck money. But I need it to eat and pay bills. I want to help people TODAY but I don't want to starve or live in my parents' house. How do I do this? Is there a way to do this?

And I fucking HATE the fact that I am using some tech CEOs productivity strategies. March of the undead here I come. I have no idea how to live my life and I never will. I am malfunctioning under the stress.

But here I am reflecting, strategizing and getting ready for the week.

Monday - I have an appointment with the enrollment advisor at x, I need to figure out my applications, resume, essays
Tuesday - Applications, resume, essays, admission interview for y
Wednesday - Contact z my crown jewel and start to apply there as well, essays
Thursday - Letters of recommendations, meeting with sponsor
Friday - Smoke a big bag of weed and burn it all to the ground..... It's Friday and I'm going to get you High today. See I can follow philosophy from movies as well as tech CEOs.

Saturday - OFF (Thank God (is dead)) Am I thanking God that God is dead or am I simply stating after the fact that God is dead? Regardless a hike sounds real fucking good about now. Cheers to you Jack Dorsey. Fucking maniac.

It is a conflict that I would happily serve up my mental health counseling/mentoring for free but would also like to survive with some semblance of well-being. I do serve up help, sponsorship, mutual aid amongst AA for free but it all in fact ends up helping me as well in the end. I would really prefer to keep it that way. Is the education worth $100,000+ to help my mentally ill brothers and sisters at a clinical level? Is there another way? All non-profits are tainted. I want to teach the unadulterated "truth" and not be some blue-pilled administrator. Shit jobs are shit. The only thing worthwhile is reading, art, direct action but that doesn't feed me or pay my medical debt, or car insurance.

"Hell is a collection of individuals who are spending the bulk of their time working on a task they don't like and are not especially good at." (David Graeber, "Bullshit Jobs," pp. 10)

That describes the last 5 years of my life. Probably more. Now it doesn't compare to the time that I was psychotic and thought I was literally in the 8th level of Hell, or that the showers were gas chambers, or that the Food Network was auctioning off my body parts for a future BBQ event, or that I was trapped in a spaceship by myself in the middle of space galaxies away. I think the point is that I have to guard my mental health and sobriety above everything. I don't actually want a job. But currently I need a job. I have to figure out how to find a useful job that doesn't suck that I would be good at and like. I would wager that that could be mental health counseling. The question is is there something with out this degree that I could do that I could survive with some semblance of well-being?

The question is is there something with out this degree that I could do that I could survive with some semblance of well-being?

if you aren't going the organizational psych route (which i suspect you would hate), making bank as a psychologist is difficult. it's not really a field one gets in for the money. it sounds like having all the money isn't a huge issue for you, but the roi on the graduate clinical psych degrees on average isn't great if you have to take a large amount of debt on. if you are taking in 6 figures of debt for an MA, that will be difficult to payoff down the line. its certainly doable, but it would be a financial strain. jobs definitely exist that pay well for an MA, but they dont fall out of trees like they do for other graduate degrees. starting your own practice is another option, but if you are in debt (and then have to pay for your own private practice insurance on top) it can be difficult.

academia grinds my gears a bit. The idea of these super expensive, prestigious private universities piss me off

academia can indeed be annoying, its certainly been my experience at least a bit. some things seem to be shaped for ingroup pedantry for no discernible reason and the priorities of some programs focus on publications etc. over student mental health (less common in psych programs, go figure). for the most part though (and i can only speak to my program) i've been happy with the quality of my training and the breadth of sources ive been exposed to (and the group of people i have to discuss that with). academia is a good fit for me though, i tend to prefer a fair amount of structure [though it needs to be shared with very open-minded people]

are the programs you are looking at particularly expensive? 100k for a masters in counseling psych is steep. most MA programs dont exceed 50k. for reference, my 5 year program is ~110k (pre assisstantships for teaching/research). it's on the cheaper side as far as programs go, but unless the program is one you love or they do something insanely cool that other programs dont, you can probably find a comparable education for half the price.

also re work experience in general/and applications - hipaa is sort of a pain in the ass. it will stop you from getting a lot of entry level experience. a lot of places wont take people who aren't in grad school for anything remotely useful, and grad school prioritizes people who already have clinical experience. it is a frustrating system. the jobs i listed probably comprise 90% of what people going into grad school have done (and yeah they mostly pay shit), but there are certainly some other ways to creatively find clinical hipaa-compliant work. that said, yes finding some way in before committing to grad school is clearly a good idea but probably not necessary. i think if counseling sounds like a good idea to you and youve done a good amount of research on what it is, you'll probably find it enjoyable. it's not the type of job where expectations =/= reality. the only general source of complaints among basically everyone is having to interact with insurance companies.

I have a 2 page professional resume that I modified a bit before I read the fine print and it is a bit of a punch to the stomach. The self-doubt is creeping in. I guess I just have to talk to my enrollment advisor about it. That's what she is there for. After this I have the letters of recommendations which I don't know how to secure or am afraid are going to be weak sauce. Then it's the essays which could be strong. They better be strong. I think my only hope is to have strong essays and strong interviews. Oh well, I guess I just do the best I can and that is all I can do.

i had similar issues. i came from 10 years of playing poker and as such, had a 10 year hole on my original cv. i also had a bad gpa from my undergrad from juggling that and poker. given all that, i was basically forced to include poker in my application. without a mitigating explanation for that stuff, my application was sorta shit (though i went back to school later to fix stuff etc.). as much as ive been saying not to include poker if you dont have to, it is an option. i would still exhaust a bunch of other ways to cover that in the mean time creatively explaining things however possible. for most people, the personal statement is a do no harm thing. for people with atypical paths to gradschool, its a necessary part of the application to tie together weaker parts of your app with a larger compelling narrative that will show you are serious and capable about undertaking graduate work. i assume your grad counselor will have better advice, but i did want to chime in and say it is definitely doable even if it (justfiably) seems daunting.

also - the gres are generally weighed heavily, so that should be a strong part of your application as well.

Well, thanks to PoorUser's post, a long talk with my sister, and a talk with my enrollment advisor I'm back on track. Resume is finished and is as good as it's going to get. Now, it's about firming up the letters of recommendation while getting these essays cracked open.

Well, it's 2am and I can't sleep and can't think of anything else to do. I had a good chat with one of my references today. I hadn't talked to her in 2 years and was a bit nervous about it. She said I was one of her favorite people in x city and of course she would write the letters which was a relief. I have to call my next reference tomorrow. It will be good to catch up with him too. Then my 3rd reference I am like ... I could get a strong poker reference, perhaps my 1st sponsor which would be a really strong reference. I don't know if those fall under professional or academic references. Ughhh, It's probably why I can't sleep. I at least wrote my personal statement for x today. I want to sleep on it and read it tomorrow to see how I feel about it.

I had a dream that we overcame capitalism and a lot of the mental health issues in the world dissipated and there were too many therapists.

I feel like today there aren't enough. I'm going to be sad if I don't get accepted anywhere. It will probably be ok either way but damn.

strongly recommend that you choose sponsor over poker reference. its ok to let your reference know what type of stuff you'd want included. so in case they are unsure, i would be sure to ask them to include things like dedication and interpersonal skills that translate to graduate and clinical work and to omit anything negative, even if that is used to help frame a positive...unless its very well done. (prob obvious but there you go).

Well, here we go...

I just sent out all my essays to my mom, sisters, and PoorUser. Now, all I can do is wait. The vulnerability is strong. It's all for the greater good. I'm kind of wound up and it's midnight. Sheesh.

Overheard conversation today:

[BANK EMPLOYEE]: You know it is strange times. [BANK] I work for is really struggling. You would think everyone would have their credit cards maxed out due to Covid but spending is way way down.

Reasonable person: I don't see how that's a bad thing.

[B]: It's bad for [BANK]

It ties in to a fantastic sub-chapter I read from David Graeber's "Bullshit Jobs" entitled "concerning the inverse relationship between the social value of work and the amount of money one is likely to be paid for it."

There is a lot in the chapter but one thing that stuck out is they wagered that medical researchers were the most useful people on the planet. Like sky high. Teachers are definitely useful. Most engineers are pretty useful albeit marginally so. IT professionals are neutral. Lawyers suck. Especially corporate lawyers. Advertisers and marketing professionals are obviously shit but not as bad as managers. Most managers are a waste of space. Or maybe AMAB (All Managers Are Bastards). But beating them all out? Fucks in the financial sector.

The fucks in the financial sector may get paid so much precisely because there is ZERO social value incorporated into their job. We don't pay researchers and teachers nearly enough precisely because there is social value inherent in those jobs. It's fucked. From my estimations most researchers and teachers are sane people that want to help and simply want a wage that they can make it work. "It" being a reasonably good life. The fucks in the financial sector are not sane people. I don't think it's right to ruthlessly negotiate with people ie researchers and teachers that are potentially having an impact on a generation of students in the teacher's case and perhaps GENERATIONS of humans in the researcher's case. What the fuck are the fucks in the financial sector doing? THEY are the fucking looters. THEY are the criminals.

Also, I wonder where poker playing would be on that list?

It's clearly not useful in anyway whatsoever although I don't think it is nearly as harmful as financial sector, advertiser/marketer, or lawyer. I guess it gets complicated though. What if someone is an IT guy for JP Morgan and Chase? That's definitely negative. What if a poker player takes his profits and gives a decent amount to a local community in need or experimental research?

"Work, Aristotle insisted, in no sense makes you a better person; in fact, it makes you a worse one, since it takes up so much time, thus making it difficult to fulfill one's social and political obligations." ("Bullshit Jobs," David Graeber, p. 254)

"Conservative voters, I would suggest, tend to resent intellectuals more than they resent rich people, because they can imagine a scenario in which they or their children might become rich, but cannot possibly one in which they could ever become a member of the cultural elite." (Ibid. p. 284)

The above quote refers more to some drama critic at The New York Times than me. I may qualify for intellectual but certainly not elite. But I do catch "virtue signaling" shade on here. Cries of "virtue signaling" have gotten out of hand on the internet. Behind every allegation of "virtue signaling" is "moral envy." Yes, everyone should strive to have useful occupation, read books, and give to charity. I am not going to apologize for that. Experimental researchers and teachers should be paid more while many jobs in the financial sector should not exist. So, to all the morally envious people out there. Get your resentments in order bro. Some will say this post in itself is "virtue signaling." U Jelly?

Time to go sniff some of my farts and eat caviar... (brood pensively and eat peanut butter and jelly)

I'm just fucking around. Brood pensively is redundant. Green tea is soothing.

"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy." –H.L. Mencken

"Every day we wake up and collectively make a world together, but which one of us, left to our own devices, would ever decide they wanted to make a world like this one?"

"How should society be best arranged to produce the sort of human beings one would like to have around, as friends, lovers, neighbors, relatives, or fellow citizens?" ("Bullshit Jobs," David Graeber, p. 297)

"You can't say 'orange' to your boss." (Ibid. p. 313)

Many relationships are sadomasochistic but there are no safe words outside of BDSM play.

What would a genuine free society actually be like?

"And yeah, the "strict father" model of parenting that puts all value of the child in their child's social status and career advancement is effectively child abuse." –Loco

I don't know if my dad was as strict as say Asian dads but we was rather strict. I remember getting screamed at and my knuckles rapped if things weren't perfect. It probably would have been much worse if my mom wasn't around. She was against violent punitive measures but "hurt hands" as we used to call them was their compromise I suppose.

It all started with soccer. Professional soccer players run in the family. I am pretty sure professional soccer player was the expectation even though I lived in the U.S.A. and all the professional soccer players in the family grew up in Lancashire, England. A hotbed of football skill and expertise. There is no higher social status in England than Professional Footballer. I was quite good as a kid. I remember one game I was going to be playing against the "best" player in the league. He was the son of a Professional Footballer. My dad got really serious and started strategizing before the game and got like desperate that I do well against this guy. Like he had some big bet with the other dad or something like that. He did have a bet. It was pride. He constructed this elaborate point system that the more points I got the more money I got. I thought it was weird but wasn't going to turn down free money. I ended up completely shutting the kid down (I was Left Back he was the "Star" Right Winger). I don't remember much besides that. I don't know if my dad even paid me the money he said he would. I didn't really care. When I ended up quitting soccer my dad freaked out. I've never seen him freak out to that degree. I locked myself in my room. He was about to break the door down but thought better of it and walked away. I just stayed in my room until my mom came home.

The funny thing is is there is no chance of me playing Professional Football in England. I would have been lucky to play Division I at a crap school in the U.S.A. Crap school in Division I was my athletic ceiling in every sport except for Ping Pong. I was King of the Hill in the area in Ping Pong. There was one Chinese-American R. Chang that could give me a game but at the end he wasn't taking games from me. Although you want to talk about Asian dads. Roland was named after the keyboard/synthesizer company. He would go on to play the hardest Rachmaninoff piece in existence senior year. Wilson was named after the tennis racquet company and was thought of as a slacker despite his Ultimate Frisbee excellence and Northwestern University degree. Ivy league tennis scholarship was supposed to be the plan.

I remember when I was a professional poker player in Buenos Aires, Argentina my dad would talk to everyone about it. When I was getting business back in the steel mill days it was the same thing. Now, I am unemployed and live at home. I don't even get mentioned. Zero mention of me ever even with my grandmother for fuck's sake. It was only until recently that I started applying to grad schools that there is chatter again. I wonder how much this wanting of approval is related to going back to grad school? I think it's more about being trapped in shit jobs and not seeing a way out and wagering that my life as a counselor would be better than this. There is probably some aspect of wanting approval and evidence of continual abuse.

"I do coke, so I can work longer, so I can earn more, so I can do more coke" –Kill the Noise

Why not just not do coke?

That's what I'm feeling.

There are a number of reasons not to buy the new Nikes. The Louie Vuitton bag. The designer sunglasses. I am mostly over that though. Every now and then I catch a flashback to a former self but fuck consumption.

University is just another business. They have what I think I want. Do they think I am a profitable grad student? Time will tell. I am just waiting on letters of recommendation to come in and z university which I think was my favorite prospect doesn't have a license to operate in my state so that is kaput. I am trying to find at least one other place but I haven't found any other MA in Counseling that is CACREP accredited. It's a little frustrating to just be waiting on the letters.

And all I really want to do is paint. My sister wants me to paint something for their incoming son. I was thinking of painting someone riding a blue whale. Like surfing a blue whale. I don't know. We will have to see. But I am out of canvas, gesso, and paint...

I am just in a weird spot. The application process is out of my hands now besides being a good "manager" to the recommendation providers. Although they are all adults that I asked for help. It feels a little strange to have to nudge them along. Covid cases are blowing up in my state. I am still in quarantine. It might be wise to procure employment. Something that could help me in the application process in the future if I don't get in this time around. I mean only applying to 2 schools seems like kind of a crap shoot.

I am past due talking to my therapist. I see her on Monday. It will actually be our last session together. Shame really. She was great therapist and a great psychiatrist. From my experiences it is rare to find that these days.

fuck consumption

(willing to spend $100k on a prestigious, private education)

The need for psychotherapists actually probably drops substantially post-capitalism. As it stands now the need will only continue to rise. In a post-capitalistic space maybe the stigma surrounding psychotherapy goes down and poor people are actually able to take advantage of it. Although, ending capitalism and sadistic, selfish hierarchy will do more for human well-being. Followed by research. I think there will always be a place for good psychotherapy.

What is the worst that can happen?

I get my degree and pass (or fail) the licensure test and can't find a job?

I could die in a car accident on my way to get more painting supplies. Would it be worse to be a paraplegic who communicates by blinking my eyes?

I remember there is a movie called "Minimalism" on Netflix. There was this engineer who quit his job to live off of savings and work part-time in a grocery store. There was some romanticism to it. I thought that was the way. Minimalism is the way but I am not so sure working at a grocery store part-time is the way for me. I also don't think it needs to be under this umbrella of "the minimalist movement." Just stop buying shit. You get used to it or at least I did. But I feel that I need or at least want this degree in counseling. They've got me by the balls. I cannot be a psychological counselor with out this degree.

I have Pharrell Williams Adidas sneakers. I have Andre 3000 Tretorn sandals. I am clearly not immune to consumption. And now I am willing to drop some guap on an education? Racks on racks on racks of blacks on blacks on blacks. Is that line about the conditions of the slavery boats or poker chip racks holding hundo chips? I'll turn this blog into a consumption rap song about slavery and private universities.

fuck consumption

(buys $100 worth of painting supplies)

I'm re-upped in the painting department. Painting isn't cheap. Even going cheapo and getting like 70% off deals and 50% off coupons. It ain't cheap. I love it though. Now I am drawing a blank on what to paint. I think there are still some things I want to say about anger, colonization, slavery, police, the state, the establishment. In order to paint a happy blue whale with a rainbow colored tail for my incoming nephew I need to be happy. I don't know if I am particularly happy at the moment. I want to paint dark, intense shit. I was happy when I plucked off a ripe tomato from my garden and ate sun warmed pieces of it with a little bit of sea salt. I was happy when I was shopping for painting supplies. People talk about happiness. Are you happy? Well, yeah, sometimes. No one is in a perpetual state of joy.

And I'm sitting here flirting with some 26 year old model on Tinder listening to Nine Inch Nails "Something I Can Never Have." I still have a lot of contradictions in my life. I use Tinder for validation. Empty validation. I am grasping at validation. So, when I bring up a book on here it is because I have nothing else. I have my reading, I have my painting, and I have my walks. I also cook and masturbate. Not at the same time. That would be complicated. Food brings me pleasure. That's partly why I am overweight. I use food as a drug. I am human, all too human after all.

Applying to grad schools was a nice project for a while there. Now, I am stir crazy and have a bad attitude. It just requires further thinking I suppose. Back to the contemplative life. Back to andante vibes. At least for this weekend then I think it's back on the job hunt. I prefer not to go completely broke. I like the idea of being on the suicide hotline team. I have to go back and see what PoorUser said. Find some thing or things that I can get relevant experience and a potential recommendation provider out of it. I think that's about it. That's the path I must take at this point.

Ahhhh, painting. It's good to be back.

Opening up the packaging and smelling that fresh, fresh canvas. Smelling the paints. That feeling of the brush on the gesso'd canvas.

I think I worked out a lot of turmoil today. I painted for most of the day, cooked dinner, read some, and had a good wank. It's not about a checklist though. After the orgasm and shower I felt rather bored and squalid. I didn't like the painting I was painting. It was in that awkward teen phase. Well, I finished that painting and it's another one down. BIPOC and LGBTQ have hearts and brains. Fuck hierarchy. ¡Solidaridad! I suppose that is how I would explain my last painting in 3 sentences. The other one would be Black Power 'til I die, Fred Hampton vs Don't Shoot. I think it allowed me to express some emotions. We are all humans just trying to live and figure things out. Seriously, fuck hierarchy. It's a common theme in a lot of my drawings and paintings that I want to give hierarchy the big middle finger. I can paint an archetypal human/spirit giving hierarchy the middle finger but it isn't wise to flip off the pig that pulls me over for going 40 in a 35. And I don't see anyone hanging this stuff on their walls. It's dark and intense but it helps me live life. I am in paradise when I paint. I am not Stone Cold Steve Austin. I can't slug some beers down, flip off authority, and give my boss a "Stunner." I can't give Bezos, Trump, Musk, McConnell, whoever, a chokeslam through a table or a 5 star frog splash.

Annnnd, I'm out of palate paper. And ideas.

Sundays are good days for reflecting and planning.

I remember I took a lot of heat on here for not getting my dad a Father's Day card and being against it.

I like Tash Sultana performances from her bedroom. That's how I feel when I am painting. Even though most of my paintings are mediocre. That's ok. It gets me through the day. I am alive when I a painting.

The Premier League is on in the background. It appears that Black Lives Matter has somewhat normalized. The libs have decided it's profitable to tag along. I notice that the PGA Golf Tournament has no trace of BLM. This fucking world we live in. I need to read more. I need to get more involved but my state is experiencing the highest number of Covid cases ever. So I read. I contemplate.

Now, it's Deadmau5 "I Remember." I remember Las Vegas 2008. Getting all dressed up for the club @ the Hard Rock. I had on my expensive shoes. I had $3,000 in my pocket in the form of a wad of hundos. I remember the table of coked up horn ball females next to us. I remember feeling powerful as I handed over the wad of cash to the exceptionally attractive waitress. It's all part of the game. It secures a place to sit and bottles of overpriced vodka. "Would you like a drink at my table?" has got to be one of the easiest pick up lines in Las Vegas. I don't know where I am going with this. Partying and getting laid with attractive women is fun. Intoxicating. Driving a powerful car is fun and intoxicating. These things that they advertise to us have some kernel of truth. What about the sick and the suffering? I don't think a progressive tax on the rich is necessarily the answer but so many people in the middle class and upper class have a certain lifestyle. They control society. Even if the numbers are not in their favor.....

Maybe I'll come back to this maybe I won't. I'm hungry.

Replies: 69
Views: 1337

yes.

Anyways, give me $40,000 and I can help people all day? Hell yeah. $75,000 to manipulate people no thank you. $75,000 is a good number in most places though. I don't ever really want to buy a big house, have kids, buy diapers, and shit like lawn mowers, leaf blowers, 3 car garages, fuck. Maybe it's comfy... man, not really, fuck work. And you get those social climbers trying to take that big leap from say $80,000-$100,000 living like the middle class to living like the upper class. That's a recipe for dissatisfaction. Take $100,000 to Manhattan and see where it leaves you. Soho. Tribeca. Whatever.

Would it be good to normalize a progressive tax on wealth and a universal basic income. The hierarchy is still there there. The systems are still in place. But I'd rather work 15 hours a week and get say $2,000 – $3,000 per month then what is going down currently. Let everything get automated. Destroy a shit ton of bullshit jobs. That has got to be better than what we currently have. On the other hand we need insurrection and revolution to get to completely new political and economic systems before everyone is depressed and the climate is fucked. Everyone already is depressed and the climate already is fucked.

Colin Kapernick gets blackballed out of the NFL for kneeling during the national anthem and I am half-watching this Liverpool vs. Everton football match and everyone is kneeling to start out the game only because some executive somewhere thought it would be good for the brand. But is it good that it is normalized? The cool kids are doing it. The cool kids are doing it. The cool kids are doing it. What about the indigenous populations in the Amazon?

How come no one burned down the banks? The capital building?

And all our presidents are war criminals. It's all complicated I know. But if Cheran can boot out the cartels and the police and the politicians it gives me some hope. I don't know how much of a driver of change I can be sitting here writing journals to myself and Covid-19 hitting new records every day in my state. I just have to keep reading and contemplating and trying to engage change.

I'm on a Radiohead "Hail to the Thief" vibe at the moment. I think I remember that album being about George W. Bush and Tony Blair being a neoliberal disaster. Fuck this. This is stupid. I want to listen to this music but writing this all out is stupid. I'll go finish a mediocre painting. At least that might make me feel good. There is a sex scene in "Monster's Ball" with Halle Berry in which she seems possessed, "Make me feel good... Make me feel good... Make me feel goood." That used to be a large portion of my life. I am hoping to minimize that aspect of my life. It's still prominent to some degree. Halle Berry tried to kill herself. Hard to believe I know but it's true. I was pretty close one time. I'm sure I've written about it on here before. I was blindingly drunk with a santoku knife to my gut. Decided to start burning myself instead. I still carry those scars. That is a lot of pain to be in. That is a hurt animal. I hope I can help save people in similar positions. I am not hurt and broken to that degree anymore. Not that I couldn't go back there or someplace even worse. I need to paint.

I have to let some paint dry.

I noticed something was missing today. I am missing a lady. Sometimes I only realize it when I listen to certain music or if I go for a walk at the beach which means it's probably not a "need." It is a manufactured want. Although I do have a sexual libido that reminds me every now and again as well. That can be controlled. I either don't have sex and treat it like a mosquito or I just watch pornography and masturbate. The third option is date women and eventually end up in a sexual relationship. As I said that is one area I am lacking in at the moment.

Man, I kind of fucked up this painting I was working on. The colors were beautiful almost too perfect. I goofballed it up. That's ok. I'm hoping I can just paint over some stuff and salvage it. The one color were the color of the shoes of this one woman I told her I would dress her then undress her then fuck her. She could keep the shoes on or off it didn't matter to me. So, I had a shoe fetish. I seem to be over it now that I realized most of the shoes/boots are leather. I wear simple vegan shoes today and the same is attractive in a woman. Part of my anima is a dress designer/makeup artist and general fashion designer. I just want to start with making some t-shirts that I like. But that is just 1 interest. It usually is one of the first interests to just kind of slide. It's either too difficult or it doesn't seem possible.

Oh well, paint is probably dry by now.

I am sexually frustrated

I am socially frustrated

I am financially insecure

I was in a happy go lucky state and then I painted a ridiculous painting and it is clear that I am down and I have no voice and I am wishing to be relevant. I've got heart and a brain but don't know how to use these things. Should I have just kept the single green eye in the painting or just go apeshit with a light green. It does look good on the magenta but shit man. I might be painted out. I might be Covid'd out.

I literally just painted a stick figure with a disgusted face. I think I need a break. (I need a break from quarantine – from life).

I just finished "Utopia for Realists" by Rutger Bremen last night. It was ok. I mean I obviously agree that we need a 15 hour work week and open borders. Universal basic income I would love and it might be an upgrade but it might just be reformist bullshit that leads us to more capitalism and hence more shit. This book is for libs by a lib. I don't know man. I don't have the answers. What is going to happen when drought and flooding starts hitting everywhere? I don't like how Rutger looked at these things from a neoliberal capitalist perspective. So many libs. So many libs. The middle class is massive and misinformed. The working class is massive and misinformed. The upper class has no reason to think anything but status quo and the establishment is the way to go. Just get me the capital to have a 3 car garage, a lawn mower, a leaf blower, an edger, a weed whacker... I'll have the best lawn on the street! Or I'll get me a raise and a bonus and hire a whole team of professional servants to make my lawn look better than Wembley Stadium or The Masters at Augusta National!

Here is where my mind has degraded to thanks to Covid-19:

Poopy (A dedication to Keko Estudio Cortez (pseudonym for my nephew))
acrylic and oil stick on canvas

https://imgbbb.com/image/TxsTZe

yup



I'm gonna fuck you in my red hot 2008 Honda Civic

When I go out,

I'm gonna fuck you in my red hot 2008 Honda Civic

I can't paint right now. I just cant. I'll probably end up shitting on my hands and covering the canvas in shitty shit. I think I actually quite like "Poopy (A Dedication to Keko Estudio Cortez). What I like the most about it is I made a proper ass hole for the poop to come out.

But I have nothing to do right now. I could watch interviews on YouTube but nah. I am actually reading a pretty good book but the battery is dead so I got it charging. The cable is kind of dicey so it loses connection and there is wasted time and it it great but yeah. I just can't paint. I'm pooped out. Fuck it, I guess I'll watch an interview.

My New Masterpiece:

Poopy II (Further Dedication To Keko Estudio Cortez)
acrylic and oil stick on canvas

https://imgbbb.com/image/TxHzgT

I don't know why this shit is cracking me up so much.

"Those who wish for peace of soul and happiness must believe and embrace faith, while those who wish to pursue the truth must forsake peace of mind and devote their life to inquiry." –Unknown (Nietzsche or Yalom)

What am I living for?

Right now, I live for red, ripe tomatoes from my garden. Unfortunately the plant has developed some kind of fungus and the window for red, ripe tomatoes is diminishing. Now, is not the time for free association. I guard my secrets from you. I long for a couch and perhaps a mirror from an honest observer. I do not like to hear the sound of my own voice.

Untitled
acrylic on canvas

https://imgbbb.com/image/TdinPr



Eliminate chatter, face death, live life authentically. That is what Heidegger would say. I desperately await Byung-Chul Han's new book:

"Untrammelled neoliberalism and the inexorable force of production have produced a 21st century crisis of community: a narcissistic cult of authenticity and mass turning-inward are among the pathologies engendered by it. We are individuals afloat in an atomised society, where the loss of the symbolic structures inherent in ritual behaviour has led to overdependence on the contingent to steer identity."

That is me!

Unfortunately it doesn't come out until October.

So, I have to piece myself together until then...

I've been reading some Schopenhauer looking for a cure. His daily routine was legendary. 27 years he did the same thing everyday unless he had visitors. Wake at 7 with a bath. Strong coffee. Write until noon. Practice the flute for 30 min. Take lunch. Read until 4. Walk until 6 NO MATTER WHAT. Read the news. Go out to a concert or theatre. Take dinner. Go to sleep.

I have to find "my way" though. Although it's not a bad way to survive in quarantine.

What is a fear right now? That if I try to go to sleep I will just lie there for hours. That is a cruel joke that existence plays. Where are my friends? I still have some. I received a nice text from one today. They are still in existence.

I just wanna like ride a bike through Provence. Eat some potatoes. Lie in a field of lavender.

Climb a mountain. Meditate on top of the mountain. Eat some rice and lentils.

Hike through an enchanted forest. Bathe in the beauty. Eat some gallo pinto.

Like, I don't think I want to be here now. I'd rather be sleeping. I'm trying to hold on though.

This idea that something can save me from existence is misguided. No book or psychological study or walk in nature is going to save me from existence. It is always there. Except for when I am sleeping soundly. Perhaps I should relish my existence. Death is coming for us all after all. Old age, sickness, impotency is my future. Death is my future. The path is headed downwards.

It is difficult not to be narcissistic and inward-looking during quarantine. This is my life. I am stuck in this box. I get reprieve and fresh air and calm breeze for the time I am social distancing on a walk but that is about all.

Has enough been said about existence?

It's a spark between two infinite bookends of nothingness. It does not feel like a spark. Today feels slow even painful. I do not mind an andante tempo but perhaps it takes some time to get acclimated to. It is certainly better than running around with my hair on fire. That spectre of boredom is always looming as well as the spectre of death. Can I escape the trenches of bare existence with these key strokes? Or should I lay in it? Stare out the window at trees? This is what most of existence is. Bare existence could be as daunting as the idea of death. Of Nothingness. Das Nichts. Perhaps because that is when we face it. Most of our concerns are trivial. A cover of fog. Sitting comfortably under the fog? The fact that we will die. The Golf Tournament on TV is not going to change this fact. Neither is the advertisement for Ace Hardware or Michelob Ultra. They tell us that grilling dead animal matter and drinking poison will make us happy. That that will be a good time. And maybe it will be. The last BBQ I went to I had a great time but I did not eat any animal products or consume poison...

Maybe this blog isn't as exciting without the trolls. Less "drama," less "intrigue." I don't really care. Discourse with trolls is not the way to spend ones' leisure.

I do miss The Other though. I am lonely and bored. I dream of The Other. In my real life there are only these walls. I can step outside to my garden but rarely venture outside of the gate. I am like a dog waiting for his joy ride and romp in nature. That is what I lie in waiting for. That and food but I am satiated for now.

It is yet another Sunday. Sometimes I think that I reflect too much. What is the plan? I don't have a plan.

I write so I do not kill myself. Insomnia consciousness can be harsh consciousness. I am tired. I need some rest. I need some reset time. I need some time away from consciousness.

Watching my cat play with his toy is fun. It brings a smile to my face.

Today was the last appointment likely ever with my last psychiatrist/therapist. It's kind of sad. I liked her. Now, I have to find a new one. Another 2nd year resident most likely. They just keep recycling them. That's ok. The residents that I've had have been really good. She suggested two people. I hope they have spots open. Everyone in their pictures are wearing like suits and the like and her #1 pick is wearing some chic, minimal coral henley. She also majored in Biology and Classics in undergrad. I like that. Wish me luck.

I am finally all applied at x and y. Z doesn't have a license to operate in my state. I probably should have applied to more places which might bite me in the ass but online programs there were only 3 that really interested me. My psychiatrist actually said going to a brick and mortar university experience would probably benefit me tremendously so maybe if I don't get in anywhere this time around I will rethink that a bit more. This is something that I have thought about for a while but I didn't put too much thought into it until recently. It was kind of like a "I've had enough of these shit jobs I am going to do this finally." A spur of the moment thing. A big shout out to PoorUser for giving me a hand. He calmed my despair at times and my Personal Statement and Diversity Statement would not have been as good without the help. I don't know if this is how I want to thank him buried in text in one of my inane blogs. Thanking people is always a bit of a curious case. I don't want to over thank but I don't want to under thank either. I appreciate the help. Cthulhu knows I need it.

Well, I don't want to kill myself, yet. That's good I suppose. I'm here. I might as well keep on keepin' on as they say. I'd probably want to do it by poison but then I have to research poisons and figure out how to procure it and take the right amount and then it's scary if I do die and it's scary if I don't die. I curse this consciousness a lot but for it to zap shut never to awaken again is a scary thought. I'm not so afraid of the decay and/or annihilation of the body I don't think. As I said burning on a bonfire or my ashes getting spread across my favorite forest is actually a nice thought. The scary part would be if I know it's coming and I can't turn back or turning back would mean severe disability. I went to the beach today and the waves were actually quite good. I never use to worry about crippling myself body surfing waves but a friend of a friend ended up paraplegic in a body surfing accident. On some of the big waves that thought crosses my mind. Like, here we go! It was fucking fantastic body surfing those waves today.

go back to individual posts imo, too easy to miss

that person heims is a perma-penny-player, he's going to be really angry all the time. no reason to listen to him.

https://www.amazon.com/Final-Exit-Thi...lities-Self-Deliverance/dp/0385336535
https://b-ok.cc/book/5269832/a4ee3b

On June 30 2020 12:08 FrinkX wrote: go back to individual posts imo, too easy to miss that person heims is a perma-penny-player, he's going to be really angry all the time. no reason to listen to him.

I don't know what to do. hiems is clearly a sick person. I don't know if enough people read my blog for it to matter too much one way or the other. I don't know. I'll think about it.

On June 30 2020 13:04 Loco wrote: https://www.amazon.com/Final-Exit-Thi...lities-Self-Deliverance/dp/0385336535 https://b-ok.cc/book/5269832/a4ee3b

Here is the thing about suicide for me. It only starts looking really appealing when I am depressed. When I am literally mentally ill. Or maybe when I am seeing the world at its most lucid. But I want to say that there is always some distortion in depression. Or not. I am clearly wrestling with that concept. I can feel like shit and not want to get out of bed and feel like I have no friends and the world is against me. That's typically a distortion. But when I am depressed it feels like I have no friends and technically I don't because I am not seeing them. And much of the world is against me. And to dwell in meaninglessness is actually a facet of bare existence.

Thank you though. In a way it is comforting that I can have access to the cleanest most efficient way of killing myself. It's also scary in that I just might do it if I'm depressed enough. Right now I have too much that I want to do. These things could be false hopes or just trivial things. I suppose it is all trivial at the end of the day. But I guess it comes down to the fact that I think about suicide a fair amount at times but the only times I'm serious is when I've been super depressed and when I am super depressed I am not really in a position to consider suicide. One thing to remember with depression is that it typically only lasts for so long. That kind of suffering is not permanent but suicide is.

Paul Reé used to wear a vial of poison around his neck. Actually, my sister and I have a running joke that if someone says something depressing or does something embarrassing we go and get a knife out of the cupboard and present the knife and ask "is the shame too great?" hahaha I forgot about that. We don't really do that one anymore. It could be because I've had a santoku knife to my gut in the past. I should bring that joke back though. The Japanese are fucking awesome. That is actually how I would want to die. A proper ceremony with a trusted #2. Someone there to alleviate my suffering ie behead me as soon as I stab my innards. I don't think I am particularly worthy of a ceremony of that magnitude. It is also not my culture. To actually go through with it and slash the innards and bleed out sounds like a very painful way to go.

Sleep. The great interlude to consciousness. I am grateful I ended up getting some sleep last night. I woke up grateful. I wanted to just lie there a little longer. To actually be refreshed and regenerated for a new day is fantastic.

How wonderful life is after a small breakfast, a regular bowel movement, and 2 cups of coffee. It's when that feeling turns sour that life gets complicated. That elusive feeling. No one likes to feel trapped, isolated, or bored. How do we smooth this thang out? How do we manage the highs and the lows? Marijuana? Yes but no. Not for me. I have to bare this bare existence in the face. The clock ticks, the hourglass empties, the sun goes down. I'm 36. How the hell did that happen? Soon I'll be 40 and beyond. I'm not sure if I have any original thoughts. That means I should go for a long solitary walk or read a book. The best thinking is done on the shitter (Nabokov) or on long walks (Nietzsche). There's no way I can sit and write this drivel for another hour before lunch.

If I ever get a place of my own I would like to grow a peach tree. A ripe picked peach in season is one of the most magical fruits that the earth has to offer. I think it slightly edges out ripe red tomatoes for me. Then there are mangoes, strawberries. I once had a fresh picked pineapple in Costa Rica that was out of this world.

My parents just came home and are constantly chattering. It's kind of ruining the flow for me. Time for a long walk on the beach.

As far as walks are concerned I think I prefer a long walk in the forest above all. Perhaps not everyday. The most rewarding is climbing a mountain. A beach walk July 4th week there are just too many people. Too many people to dodge, to many routes to plan out, too much sensory input. I kept thinking all these bodies, all these minds, remarkable. The joy on a child's face boogey boarding. I miss that. Where is that?

I wanted to come home and think some more but was interrupted by my dad being racist and ridiculous with a racist and ridiculous friend on the phone. It is absolute right wing, old obstinacy, inward-looking shit.

I was watching "Trigger Warning by Killer Mike" last night and thought it was pretty good even though it got kind of weird. One thing it triggered was my love for marijuana. The show heavily romanticizes marijuana and also strip clubs. The strip club was putting Hennessy on ice which is sooo not the correct thing to do. It has to be poured in a large glass for cognac and then warmed up in the hands. They also romanticized "how much you blow clouds." That is not the correct way to smoke weed. Anyways they were constantly smoking weed and showed some pictures of phat nuggz. Now, I am listening to "The Recipe" by Kendrick Lamar and Dr. Dre on the drive home from the beach thinking about lighting up a blunt. Although my favorite way to smoke was definitely Volcano. I remember one time at the Commerce we went up to a prolific weed smoker big shot MTTer's room and he had a fucking modified volcano bag. This thing was larger than a hefty bag. The illest chronic I may have ever smoked. I was so fucking high. I was typically designated fucked up driver so I had the honor that day as well. I was so fucking paranoid driving this big ass fucking black suburban. I started hallucinating the weed was so good. I was seeing like purple spots no joke. I've never driven these LA roads. I am paranoid as fuck. Not so high that I think I am going to die but so high that I am so fucking worried that I am going to crash and kill everyone. I have no idea how we got back to the spot. Which I probably promptly went right to the hot tub to light another blunt of phenomenal Cali weed. I was mixing that with overdoses of cough syrup. I am pretty sure I was a losing cash game player that month but I had a good score in the FTOPS Main which kept me in the positive.

I remember back in college when I was really hitting my weed smoking stride I had a buddy who didn't smoke as much he came up and decided to pass the joints around for a while. Two of my roommates were bigger potheads than me and helped show me the ropes. Anyways, I distinctly remember my buddy like amazed at how I smoked weed. He said I was the coolest weed smoker he had ever seen and wished he smoked weed like I did. I was like "uhhhh, ok?" but inside I felt validated and a part of. This guy was pretty "cool" himself. He ended up getting rich and marrying a model. Chrissy Tiegan, John Legend, and Kate Upton were at the wedding among others. I think the coolest way to smoke weed is to take monster hits and then hold it in for a second or two and then slowly exhale. Some smoke will inevitably, eventually come back out of the lungs but it shouldn't be clouds. You want the THC in your lungs, blood stream, brain not the air. You can even do an inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds. Do that 4 times. It's actually an exercise to reduce anxiety and with the added Chronic it will definitely reduce anxiety. But, I typically like to inhale for as long as I could and deeply as I could, hold it for as long as I could and exhale as slowly as I could. That's with a Volcano. Joints and blunts are better for just normal hits. Large gravity bongs will train you for any type of hit. We've had people pass out doing gravity bong hits. It was standard practice to have a spotter on hand. A large gravity bong you just fucking take it all and then there is relief in the exhale. It didn't help that we cut the good Amsterdam weed with hash and tobacco. I took a trip to Amsterdam just so I could smoke good weed. That's all we did there.

I remember the first time smoking good weed. It was White Widow out of Chicago. I loved that high.







Women, Weed, and Weather

The Recipe?

The recipe for what?

Probably a good time.

I don't know if I have any more thoughts. I don't think I need weed, women, or weather to have a good time. Marijuana is just a great drug that I miss. I miss women too. I've got weather. I do have to say all three together is a holy trinity.

I am going to trial out writing offline.

I am still looking for other communities to engage in. My therapist actually told me in my last session that I should start my own....

good luck with the apps. let me know if you need anything.

So, it's been a few days. I haven't written offline at all. I just joined a handful of Reddit communities and have been posting there. Likely, the novelty will wear off. I realized I don't really have any great original thoughts that I want to write about. One good thing is I have been reading more. One bad thing is I have been spending more time on Reddit and Twitter. The surrogacy just bounces around to different forms of chatter. The 2 hour walks have been amazing though. I never have anything I want to "scribble in my notepad" however. I guess I am just a pretty dull, boring person. Who would have guessed that I am no Schopenhauer or Nietzsche?

I'm no Cézanne either.







I shouldn't envy other artists. I just have to find my way.

Sometimes it is hard to think and reflect with distractions. It's frustrating. I rarely get any time to properly think besides my walks on the beach but even then if it is too crowded there is sensory input everywhere. I wish to just walk amongst the mountains and lakes or the forest by myself.

My therapist and I talked a lot about having a voice and reaching people. It's certainly not happening on here. I am amazed at how many people need help on certain neurodiverse and addiction communities online. My time is better spent there. I do miss the familiarity though. That just comes with time and consistency.

I'm not going to start my own community. I wouldn't even know where to start.

It is getting to be about that time where I am forced to enter the ranks of wage slavery once again. I am not really looking forward to it. As bad as quarantine can be at least I have my leisure and some semblance of autonomy. I can trial out living like Schopenhauer or Nietzsche or whoever I want. I did a trial on living like Bob Marley except reading instead of creating music. Bob Marley had a great way to live life. Then I thought about professional cellists. My brother could have been a professional cellist but he liked math/physics more than cello. I thought he was on the right track but he hated research and now sells his soul slaving away in the financial sector. What a waste.

The only good thing to come out of cooking almost every day for 3 years was I learned how to cook.

Employer: Why do you want this job?
Me: Experience and a recommendation provider...

Is that what life is all about?

There is a popular online Bipolar community that I have been posting at. I just realized I was posting answers to queries for like 2.5 hours and there were more queries than I could even answer. I don't know it can't be such a bad way to spend some time. Hmmm...

I don't want to out and out start posting a ton on here. I think this little experiment has been fruitful and has the potential for much more fruit.

I am just channel surfing life right now.

Silence is suffering.

Thinking is suffering.

The gamification of helping people on Reddit. Upvote notification! Upvote notification! Upvote notifcation! SUPER POWER 5 UPVOTE NOTIFICATION!!! Message, Message, Message. Yuck. And I'm back fucking chattering on here. Let me at least change the channel to a good book... My tea was at least soothing and succulent.

God damnit, here I am again. Why can't I just fucking watch some tv show to pacify me of the knowledge that there is no God and I am going to die?

Finished some more books. Great. What's next? More books. Great. Great!

I don't think I want to kill myself currently but I have to do something that isn't lying in bed as a partly illuminated corpse. So, I'll go downstairs and write on LiquidPoker as a slightly more than partly illuminated corpse. When do I get to live life? Wah Wah Wah. At least I've got my nigga Steve Reich blasting through the headphones.

100th post!

I just had the most wicked dream. I am debating trying to do it justice by writing it out but there is no way. I'll free associate.

I was in the movie theaters with my family. It was a massive movie theatre. Shit started to go weird and everybody started to like clap and move there legs but I did nothing. I was like dissociative. Almost catatonic. Almost like I had sleep paralysis. My sister asked if I was ok. I felt better than ok. I remember having the thought all these stupid ass sheep passively entranced by this entertainment but they are still beautiful though. I went to the restroom. It turned into this chamber of winds. I had no control. The wind took me wherever it wanted. I greeted neutral archetypal characters. Neutral in that they were somewhat scary but had redeeming qualities. There was like a seahorse made out of wood with ivy and sapphire jewelry. I can't remember. Some of them had an archetypal hell'ish aspect to them but did not mean me any harm. There was a long bridge over seemingly nothingness but there were these fir trees that lined the pathway. It was at this point I realized I could do whatever I wanted and started harvesting the fir trees. I fell off the bridge and was led to a party. It turned out to be some sort of giving party. People were proud of me for breaking through. I gave away all of my fir tree harvest. It turns out that it was valued highly and everyone started giving me gifts and love. Then I "woke up" and was with my family. Everyone was happy. Then some random thing flashed like a still life of red and green vegetables mostly bell peppers like a "Fin" type of situation. Then I "woke up" and worried that I was in sleep paralysis. I could move though but I couldn't go back to sleep. It felt like I had been through a mania but stronger. So, I got up. I passed my cat Sebastian who was on death row today. We thought we might have to put him down but turns out he seems to be ok. I kiss him on the head and petted him and we had a nice moment. Then I got on my computer and watched this YouTube video about half way through then decided to write this out.

I just had a dream where all I can remember was my teeth were falling out and looked like corn kernels and I was lost at sea. I passed Justin Timberlake and someone else and I was looking for something but I couldn't find it.

Any psychoanalysts and/or dream interpreters out there?

I want to talk about gardening. It is a treasure. It has been something that is keeping me together through these somewhat aimless times. We only got 5 tomatoes from the tomato plant. The tomato plant developed some sort of fungus. It could just be that it wasn't getting enough sun. We have a wooded backyard so that blocks the early morning sun and the house blocks the sun later in the day. It maybe stupid to try and grow any vegetables in the garden. We have some beans growing that are doing ok. It yielded some beans for dinner tonight and they were the best green beans I've ever had. The thyme is absolutely flourishing, the parsley is doing well, and the basil is also doing well. The bay leaf tree was doing outstanding but we found out that all the water drained to that area and was fucking it up. We had to dig it out and harvest all the surviving bay leaves which was actually quite a lot. So, we are hindered a bit in what we can grow. Ideally, anything that likes half sun and we have to put it where it gets the right amount of water. I'll have to give my sister a call and see how her garden is doing. She went H*A*M* this year planting a shit ton of stuff. But her garden will actually be getting full sun and the water should be more consistent. I would love to move somewhere with a decent plot of land in full sun. I would grow tomatoes, onions, celery, carrots, bell peppers, jalapeño peppers, habanero peppers, perhaps potatoes, sweet potatoes. I don't know I guess it would depend on the climate.

I don't even know if I would want to live out in Wyoming. I know I wouldn't want to be paying rent in Manhattan either even if there is a lot to do. Where I am at now is ok. Even though it won't exist in 100 years. For now it is ok.

I haven't heard this in a while. Anthem for late capitalism via Mark Fisher RIP:



*Burial's dog dies* My mum was just like, ‘make a tune, cheer up, stay up late, make a cup of tea’. And I rang her mobile twenty minutes later and I’d made that ‘Archangel’ tune, and I was like, ‘I’ve made the tune, the tune you told me to make.’
- Burial

Mark Fisher Interview with Burial

"Leave House" by Caribou just came up on my Spotify radio. I wish.

I was thinking about painting something. I decided to gesso another canvas. I am going to paint that seahorse that came to me in my dream the other night. Besides that I don't know what to paint.

I just made some tea and had far too much orange chocolate. It reminds me of the ole' UK. My Aunt B would stock up on orange chocolate because she heard I liked it. They moved to the Lake District which is some of the most beautiful parts of the world I've ever seen. They had a cottage up in the hills. The neighbor had 2 border collies which I fell in love with. It has always been a dream to own some land, some sheep and a border collie.

"Wealth and poverty don't lie in a person's estate, but in their souls." –Antisthenes

To live like Diogenes is the good life for Diogenes. I don't think I have the gumption to live like that. I would rather be Diogenes than some Buddhist monk but it's not in my nature to live like that. I am not that disagreeable. In what way is asking for money not humiliating? And yes, my chances of hitting the bottle go up by quite a lot. Homelessness is a horrible situation and a clear step downwards. I live a pretty simple life now but to be with out my bed, coffee, Macbook Pro, Kindle, etc. would be difficult let alone shelter, food, and water.

Is Diogenes more successful than all of us?

A case could be made for it. It would probably feel pretty good to pee on a lot of posters here. I mean all I was doing and am doing is putting forth my positions. Rating "success" on top-x % of earners is silly. There are virtually no philosophers or psychological research that will support that. People getting butthurt should re-evaluate their lives. Read some philsophy or take the Yale Coursera course on well-being. You were raised on marketing messages and a rotten society. Most of you will never even get to that upper class step. Look around. Be happy. $50k is plenty of money in most parts of the world. $70k is even better. I will say one thing about making money in poker is there is no corporate uniform. You don't have to scale up all your stuff. People will question "success" but true liberation is not caring. I feel silly all of the money I threw away at clubs and strip clubs just to live up to some ideal. I actually think it's wise for a gambler to make sure to signal correctly if they are trying to fit into this fucked up world. I'd rather live in Malta and wear flowery linen shorts, eat linguine and clam, and go on 2 hour walks. For the $50k/yr guy it's not that difficult either. Exercise, have a non-embarrassing car, live in a decent apartment, don't be a dickhead. You may not be attracting models, doctors, whatever but there are plenty of teachers, nurses, marketing bullshitters, whatever. Bourgeois life! Material shit matters in a material life. So, you guys technically aren't wrong. If you want a "successful" middle class life you are going to need middle class stuff and work a middle class job. That seems to be easy for some. But, not for me. I'd rather be the boss or a bum and I don't have the capabilities of being a boss nor would I actually want to be a boss so it's bum life for me. So, I have to find the best bum life for me.

I've got a tan. Only a boss or a bum has a tan. It's not like I even try I am just at the beach everyday going for long contemplative walks. Like, what am I going to do be some middle manager somewhere? HAH. Fucking gross. Well, if I play my cards right in 10 years I'm looking at middle management. Get the fuck out of here. Bunch of puffed up bullshit puffing up the ultimate puffmeister puffington (CEO). La concha de tu madre. It did feel good being a boss in Buenos Aires. Not going to lie. But that was a certain epoch in my 20s that I will never get back. I have to mix the wisdom of Diogenes, Patrul Rinpoche, Jon Jandai, and myself to find the way. The problem with being a professional poker player is you have to play poker a lot of the time. The problem with most jobs is that you have to be at the job for a lot of time. Then there is getting ready in the morning and the commute. The commute home and trying to shake yourself free from the undeadness of it all. There is no rest only recovery for the next portion of work. I am never going to work if I don't have to and the key is finding something useful that one is more or less acclimated to. It's certainly better than drinking bad red wine on a park bench somewhere in the rain. Oh, that drunk would be such a bad drunk. Probably, can never get enough. When I'm drinking I need about 40 units of red wine to get me to that place I want to be. Who's going to buy me 8 bottles of wine? No, that's a large step downward. Bless Diogenes for being Diogenes but RiKD has to be RiKD.

Which I am still more or less aimless. Those dreams I had tell me everything I need to know. I want to give. I need to understand that I am a sum of my actions. I can't change my feelings but I can modify my behaviors. It is really difficult but we can do better. Changing jobs is scary. If I had an inheritance to live off of like Schopenhauer or a small pension to live off of like Nietzsche I would be perfectly happy. If I could have one conversation with Schopenhauer I would ask him why he values asceticism in his writing but then would go out to nice restaurants and concert/theater shows every day. I too value the ascetic life but don't see myself ever actually going through with it. If I lived in Frankfurt and my inheritance would cover it I would certainly eat out for lunch and dinner every day. I don't have an inheritance or a pension though so wage slavery here I come. I am also not Schopenhauer or Nietzsche. I must find my own way.

I never dream about a middle class lifestyle. I don't wish it to be true. Maybe it is some fantasy that I would be a boring accountant driving a 2017 Toyota Corolla. I could express my authenticity with a dulcet 1 bedroom apartment in a nice part of town. Watching the golf on weekends. That sounds horrible. I would rather die painting.

It is difficult to write with the TV on bombarding me with sounds. The TV allows us to forget that we are going to die. The TV passively makes us forget that we are alive.

It's not acceptable to wear 2nd hand clothes if you are in the middle class. How silly. Where people judge the content of a soul by the soul of a shoe. But that is more so a carry down trait of the upper class. Christian Louboutins and Aldo equivalents.

You know where I found people to be quite happy? A little pocket of Northwest Indiana. They were masons making $80-90k/yr but living like the middle class or even the working class. They weren't trying to be Chicago. The problem arises when it's the other way around. Middle class trying to live like the upper class. But, we are programmed to be that way. I think it's one of the only ways to be motivated is you get a taste for the upper class and feel it is a need rather than a want. It's weird to have a 2008 red Honda Civic and be drinking Veuve Clicquot every night.

I don't mind guns really but bullets are expensive. What are we practicing for? Is it really THAT much fun to shoot targets?

I suppose the transcendence in spraying a target beautifully with an AK is just as beautiful as anything else.

Now, I am being reminded that I am an animal and have to urinate. Damn, I am reminded that I am an animal and that I will die. Diogenes used to masturbate in public. When confronted he replied something like "if only I could rub my belly to alleviate hunger." I am not brave enough to be Diogenes. I'm not brave. 2 kids and a swimming pool. I'm not brave (Frank Ocean). What a life. 2 kids and a swimming pool. The water's blue swallow the pill (Frank Ocean). The journey for truth is not an easy one. However, it is the journey that I am on.

So, what do you do all day RiKD?

I endure myself (Cioran).



I was anxious about going to this online AA meeting last night so I popped a Xanax. That in itself seems contradictory but I am anxious and have panic attacks at AA meetings. I think it could be due to the fact that I feel like an imposter there. Not that I haven't been sober because I have but I don't really agree with the Big Book in a number of rather important ways. I don't have a Higher Power. I don't pray. But the book itself says the only requirement for membership is a desire not to drink which I have a desire not to drink. On this topic I think the politically correct thing to say is that I have alcoholism/addiction and I am in recovery. But I don't really care if someone calls me a drug addict. Recovered alcoholic is a bit flattering but no I don't think that I am recovered. It's in remission but could come back anytime.


If I could just write one beautiful aphorism I would be set for like 15 sec.

Just a song for you all. I really like it. That's what goes on around here. I post music. I write stuff. I might include a lasagna recipe.

I did so little today. Besides taking a walk and eating I basically just lied in bed reading Cioran and napped. It was so perfect in a way. Now, I am writing so I don't kill myself. But as Cioran says a fear of the future is really just a fear of not having a good way to kill yourself. As long as I have a good way of killing myself I shouldn't be afraid of the future. I've got an out. That is comforting. How come we focus so much on death and not birth? The vast infinite nothingness preceding birth is never on anyone's mind. I didn't mind being a flash within a flash of consciousness in utero. I suppose I mind now. Compelled to write these black letters in the white space. So, what's so scary about consciousness turning off? Forever? I enjoy taking naps. What if I just never awoke? Could that be better than all of this?



I wish to be camping. Building a fire. Seeing the stars. Catching a breeze. Someplace away from here. Away from this confinement. Changing the channel to something good.



The first time I listened to this song I was manic as all hell and I couldn't stop crying. Tears just streaming down my face in bliss. God damn I miss hypomania and early mania. Life is full of joy and purpose.

I feel how I feel. Now, I'm listening to Trentemoller. I only listen to Trentemoller when I'm depressed. I took the trash out today though. That felt good.

But anyways, see how we repress death? I was talking about taking a nap I never awake from and then I started chattering about other stuff. I mean if that's what suicide truly can be it's not that big of a deal. That's not a bad deal. Except it's permanent. Feelings are impermanent. Cioran says something like killing yourself is always killing yourself too late. But we live on. Who knows why? I like coffee in the morning. I like sun rays. It could always be better tomorrow. And if it's not I can always kill myself. I am happy with that.

I realize being depressed is mostly just being incredibly selfish and self-centered. I can't help it.

Do I write a suicide note or not? I don't know I'll have to read that book Loco linked. I don't particularly want to make a lot of people sad.

On the bright side, there is no bright side. At least I'm not drinking, yet. At least I'm not smoking, yet. There's Xanax in the cabinet. Take about 4 of those I'd probably be feeling ok. Although I don't really like Xanax. It definitely calms me down and relaxes me and sometimes even brings with it a nice euphoria but I'm not myself. I can't remember anything. Red wine is such a better drug along with good marijuana. But I have to face these depressions head fucking on sober. It's enjoyable to just indulge in it all. Just fucking sit in it for a little while or all day long.

I know I wrote a little while ago if we get distorted by depression or are just living in illusion in euthymia. I think in a way we can see things more clearly in depression. Although I don't think I'm even that depressed right now. I know I have friends there is just no way I am going to reach out and call them. So, I write on here to no one. Would it make more sense to find an appropriate journaling community? Probably.

Now, I'm listening to copious amounts of Moderat. Another go to depression artist. At least I'm not listening to the most depressing NIN songs, yet.

Not much I can do really. Just keep getting out for my walks, talk to my psychiatrist/therapist on Monday, and don't kill myself.

Fucking endure myself. All day. Every day. Fucking horrible man. At least I am growing some jalapeños in an AeroGarden. It will get full sun (artificial light). There is no where here that gets full light it's upsetting. Unless I started throwing stuff out by the mailbox. I'm sure those fuckers down at the Homeowner's Association would appreciate that. Fuckers.

you're not writing to no one on here. i wonder if there are good journaling communities too. i looked for something similar a while back but found finding a good community was pretty hard.

i was home at my parents house this week. my dad grows cucumbers, tomatoes and rhubarb. it seemed pretty nice. i think it's a hobby i'll pick up too. their house is close to northampton, i always meant to ask - you've been out there a few times right? what brought you out there?

My sister lived in Northhampton and works there. She now lives in Sunderland.

Awwww, yes. The house is sparse and quiet. It is impossible to write with distractions. I think this is my time. When everyone is sleeping but me.

I have no plans. This existence torments me. The only comfort is Cioran and naps and "blackening" the white space (Cioran). I have found myself listening to Moderat once again. I don't think that I am that depressed though. It's more of an existential crisis of the highest level. Is it DER ANGST oder DIE ANGST? Ich denke DER ANGST aber ich weisse nicht. DER ANGST! What did I do when I was a little kid? I don't know. I didn't really have angst as a child. In high school I would take vicodin, drink vodka and watch Puroreso. Anyways, today I listen to minimal German electronic music and write stuff.

Man, to go back to that first time I mixed vicodin and vodka and passed out watching Puroreso. Magic city. But, it's impossible. Drinking and drugs at this point only lead to the utmost of misery.

Tomorrow should be interesting. I have my first appointment with a new Doctor/therapist. I need it. I don't know whether to open with my suicidal ideations, my paralysis irt work, I suppose those are the two most pressing issues.

I don't even want hope. I don't know what I want. Cioran calls pregnant women "corpse bearers" ROFL. I won't tell my sister that one. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I expect. There are times when life is a little more breezey. The torment never ends. It's just more. Sometimes it feels that I am unfit to be a human being. Someone should just bring me around the back and put a bullet in my head because I am too much of a coward to do it myself. Although stealing some of my dad's fine red and having one last bottle before taking handfuls of Xanax pills sounds like a decent way to go. One of my true loves in this life red wine. Spend my last night with her. Before I lose consciousness for the last time.

Rid me of this existence. Of this torment.

How do you all do it? How do you all manage? Manage it all?

Wage slave away for your slave wages. Hope you found something good.

I want to get out of this but I don't want to get out of this. I just want to be a miserable, selfish piece of shit.

There is nothing to be observed in this fucking house. It's the same God Damned house since before Covid-19.

I accept my feelings. If someone tells me to buck up I will snatch their soul and defecate on it. That's what this all is isn't it? Enhancing our "soul." I don't believe in a soul. Do I believe in an "essence"? I believe I am well liked in my family and small circles of friends. I have a certain essence that can be smelled from a close distance. Some times two smells are complimentary. Like bergamot and citrus. Sometimes they are not complimentary. "Modern Man in Search of a Soul" by Carl G. Jung. There is no fucking soul. There is a light in the eyes. My eye light tints are all fucked up. I don't even notice roses. I paid no attention to a gorgeous sunset tonight. My heart is bursting at the seams to be passionate about something but there is nothing there. It's just bare existence. Awful bare existence. These songs coming through the headphones are the only thing keeping a pulse going.

Am I just devoid of any spiritual life? I don't even know what spirituality means anymore. Most of the spiritual "masters" are full of shit. You know what's spiritual for me? Growing herbs and vegetables, cooking, making bread. I wish to make my own t-shirts. Actually, I would like to make unisex clothing. I used to want to design these elaborate dresses. That's too much. We should nicks that from existence. Comfortable clothing. Jeans, pants, shirts, henleys, button ups. I don't even have a suit. So, fuck suits and fuck dresses. I have plenty of clothes and they never go out of style.

I suppose it comes down to how can I be useful? I don't know. At least that's where I should start.

I used to have a Patrick Bateman morning routine. It was pretty ridiculous. I'm glad I am at least not there. Although I was hitting the weights pretty hard at the time. Weights and philosophy was enough to sustain me. That was an interesting portion of my life. Would I be depressed if I was deadlifting some heavy ass weight? Maybe not. That was a fun period of my life though. I was just living off of poker savings. I was living like Ronnie Coleman and then using the high and the neurotropic effect of the training sessions to devour Dostoevsky, Kant, Nietzsche, Sartre. I have read a lot of good stuff during this whole Covid thing as well. It might all be for null as I still don't know how to live this life. Cioran talks about knowing how to live life at 20 and then validating it into one's 60s. I disagree with that. I wasn't nearly as knowledgable at 20 as I am today. Although I was just enjoying myself in college. I was never angsty in college. I was surrounded by too many friends and I spent my time pretty well. I remember when I started making money at 200 NL and could throw my weight around in the bars a little bit. It felt powerful. I wasn't ever really that angsty when I was playing poker. I mean there were times that I hated poker and I didn't play poker all that much except for when I did. My life was great at 20.

Where can we locate the "soul"? What is the "soul"?

Can the spiritual life save me? What is the spiritual life?

I will still be a man who was born into existence who is destined to die and has to figure out a way to live the in between. I was born into it you see. I did nothing. I was born and existed unbeknownst to me. Now, I'm 36. I see the reality. It's not looking great. No hope. It's toil, tribulations, and torment here on out.

I had a pretty solid night of sleep, woke up had a small breakfast, a regular bowel movement, finished a book and I feel pretty good. No tellin' how long that feeling will last. There is a lot of day left! How to pass the wretched time?

I remember times when I was busying about wondering where all the time went. A robot trained to extract capital. Now, I am just counting down the minutes until my doctor/therapist appointment. What will I do the next minute... and the next? Starting a new book might be too much. A nap is out of the question. That's all I do these days. Read books and take naps. That is my existence and then when everyone goes to sleep I come on here and chatter. I am like a literate rat. Scampering down at night to get his food and otherwise unseen. Although I am up writing in broad daylight today. The TV isn't going. I feel safe. If the TV is going you will rarely find me downstairs. Just the mere rays of it disintegrate my brain. The sounds distract me from anything meaningful. Yes, you could definitely say I am anti-TV.

But you'll miss this week's episode of Wicked Tuna!!!!!

"How do you all do it? How do you all manage? Manage it all? "

I work, I play, I read, I watch, I'm occuping my mind.
How do buddhist monks meditating all day don't turn insane? you cannot come to a conclusion during the search for meaning of life

On July 13 2020 18:44 Sleepy311 wrote: But you'll miss this week's episode of Wicked Tuna!!!!!

OH NO!!!!

I don't dance, I just pull up my pants and do the rockaway, lean back, lean back, lean back.

On July 13 2020 20:53 dnagardi wrote: "How do you all do it? How do you all manage? Manage it all? " I work, I play, I read, I watch, I'm occuping my mind. How do buddhist monks meditating all day don't turn insane? you cannot come to a conclusion during the search for meaning of life

You are undead. What I will be marching into shortly. I am glad that you have illusions of occupying your mind. It is all recovery for auto-exploitation.

There is no meaning of life and any search while certainly can be occupying is inevitably false.

So, I had my first session with my new doctor/therapist. It went ok. She told me to stop reading pessimistic philosophy and try something different. Said to contact her if my suicidal ideations get worse. Obviously, a job is good if one needs to get some money coming in. Well, not good but needed. She was being a good therapist and telling me that it will be something to do and not a bad way to socialize with people. It was basically that simple. Only 25 min. I am paying for an hour. I don't know how I feel about that. But I didn't have anything else to talk about.

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So, now it's back to the job search. My long lost love.

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I think I am coming out of this depression thanks to spending a lot of time walking in bright sun and doing things for other people. I am still obsessed with myself hence these blog posts but I feel less obsessed with myself. Willing to offer my soul to get sucked up by capitalism for a small payment in return. That's a bad deal. Is that what actually happens? No, I think I get to keep some semblance of my soul. Maybe. Enough to watch Netflix and overeat crackers and hummus until it's time to fall asleep and do it all over again.

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I walked 6.5 miles today in 90+ degree heat. I can feel it. My feet hurt. I'm dehydrated. I have a headache. It just seemed like the thing to do. I walked past a cemetery. I don't know why I just love cemeteries. They predict my future. It's like going to see a fortune teller whose fortune telling is 100% correct. I need all the practice I can get. I wish to die well and to die at the right time. I wish to live well now and into the future. I was going to tell my new doctor/therapist that a well planned out suicide is actually securing a good future. A well planned out suicide alleviates fear of the future because one knows there is a carefully planned clean way out. I didn't say that though because I thought that would be too much for a first visit. I should have said it though. If I can't be honest with my doctor/therapist who the hell can I be honest with. LP... lol.

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I am not Nietzsche. I am not Schopenhauer. I am not Cioran. I am just a guy with a crushing headache that needs to get a job.

I had my first migraine last night. What a terrible thing. Absolute crushing headache that told the Tylenol to fuck off bro, nausea, vomiting, vision was fucked up. I just turned out all the lights, crawled into bed, put a cold compress on my head and pseudo-meditated through the pain until I thankfully fell asleep.

No jobs working with autistic people or suicide prevention jobs. At least I looked. So, I tried. That's it. Pack it in. I'm blinding out of life. Off to the streets I go.

What is soul? What is spirit?

We say someone has soul or they have the fighting spirit. These are positives. But what is it? Surely it goes to the belief that we have souls inside of us that travel down to hell or up to heaven after we die. It doesn't feel like I have a soul. It feels like I have a consciousness. I can bite, I can see, I can type. My cat Pico has soul but does he have Soul? Does it relate to the spiritual life? What is the spiritual life? I will be tormented while I am awake. Unless I can escape to a forest. That is secular spirituality for me. Returning to nature. Nature (and spirituality) is not living under a park bench downtown praying to Dionysus slogging up all the red wine I can get my hands on. "Modern Man in Search of a Soul." We never fucking find it because it's not there. Fighting spirit is DBZ/Puroreso bullshit. It's a farce. It's made up. It's staged. Who are we fighting for anyways? The slave masters? I'm fighting so my boss can get a promotion and the CEO can buy a beach house in Provence?

But I have to let this stuff fly because I am suffering. If only I could keep it all inward and disintegrate it. That would be ideal.

Do the folks that work all day, take care of kids, and watch "Hamilton" before bed time think of suicide and death? I'd rather fucking sit in inner torment listening to Moderat. That is probably my biggest problem. Inner torment. Existence. The time after birth and before death. I suppose running out of money and not having a J O B is a problem. Reading Cioran when "down" is not. Fuck that. I am so depressed. I am self-obsessed. I am more self-obsessed than depressed. Today was a pretty functional day. I read Cioran and napped all day. Went for a walk. Did a wash. There is that moment in a nap when you rollover to the cool side of the pillow and everything in the world seems ok. Even lying there a bit before rolling out of bed feels like bliss. Actually being fully conscious and trying to figure out what to do is shite. I am sitting in a rectangular box with the same sensory inputs that never change. Sure, I can change this screen's inputs but that will probably lead to channel surfing. I abhor channel surfing. I might just vomit to the degree that I did last night. Actually, last night's vomit was amazing. Never have I ever had such a clean and thorough purge. It made me consider being bulimic. God knows my waistline could use it. I want to blame it on the medications. I probably could reasonably blame it on the medications but it could also simply be gluttony.

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“How important can it be that I suffer and think? My presence in this world will disturb a few tranquil lives and will unsettle the unconscious and pleasant naiveté of others. Although I feel that my tragedy is the greatest in history—greater than the fall of empires—I am nevertheless aware of my total insignificance. I am absolutely persuaded that I am nothing in this universe; yet I feel that mine is the only real existence.”

–Emil Cioran, "Nothing is Important," On The Heights of Despair

I can see no other philosopher to read in a spell of depressed isolation with no hope of social connection. He is my only friend.

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My little consciousness thinks of itself as the center of the Universe. That little piece of fluff in my arm hair is the most important thing happening in the world. My sorrows, my pain. It is nothing yet it is EVERYTHING! I need to get out of myself and help but I am confined to this blasted rectangular box. People have more serious problems than me. Real problems and they might not even think about suicide or death. And I'm not talking about first world problems which typically amount to petty materialism. I have realized I have such a low threshold of patience for petty materialism.

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I ate a ripe peach and a piece of dark chocolate to improve my mood. It may have worked.

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I don't trust people's opinions that are overly excited about entertainment. It might make me want to watch the recommended entertainment even less.

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I followed a seagull flying through the air for roughly 1 min. the other day. I was lost in it. The Taoists are very wise to catch a breeze and watch the birds.

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This blog is so trivial lol. I am sick of lamenting over existence and biting Cioran. I don't know what else to do though. Sleep is no where in sight. I may have read my fill for the day.

We are THROWN into this existence (now I am biting Heidegger)! How the hell did I get here? I remember visiting my grandmother in England. I was 3. I am playing soccer as a young lad. Learning how to read and do math. I was innocent. I was happy. When did I lose my innocence?

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Sitting in existence really isn't much fun. 2am on a Wednesday. I walk around the neighborhood somebody is going to call the cops. Fucking suburbia. I say hi to people on my walk today though. They seemed like reasonable people. We are all just out on a walk trying to survive this life. I envied the folks playing tennis. They were IN IT! I miss tennis. My old fat ass probably couldn't even survive a set these days. No pop on the serve. Dead forehand. Busted backhand. Can't even get into the net. ¡Disastro! I need to figure out some way to lose some LBs. It probably starts with not stuffing my face full of food all day long.

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Have you ever noticed that your fingernails grow faster than your toenails? (Oh shit, that was Beckett)

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I have nothing original to say. I am a broken human. If you haven't read "Waiting for Godot" by Samuel Beckett I would suggest doing that at some point in life. Probably sooner rather than later since the more days you live the higher chance that you will die and the fact that something that can be gleaned from "Waiting for Godot" could help you etc etc etc blah blah blah. "Endgame" is also good.

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God is never coming. Spoiler alert. Jesus isn't coming back either. How do I reconcile these likelihoods with being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't fucking know. I need friends. I need to not be confined. I am going mad. Not even a good mad. Mania is a good mad. Actually it's not. There's my bipolar for ya huk huk. I love when people call someone bipolar when there are just marginally moody in a period of time. ROFL. Mania is thinking I am God. I am dj'ing a show to no one and everyone. I am flipping through a Carine Rotfeld lookbook making edits because I know better than their editor. I am designing a music festival that will rival all music festivals and lead to world revolution. I am a God.

And I think I am just an Angsty guy. You can't tell an Angsty guy to just stop being an Angsty teenager. Sometimes the ANGST is there for life. Like why would it go away? Like I get some white collar job, have 2 kids, and watch "Hamilton" before bed time? I eat granola for breakfast and drive a new Toyota Corolla? I really wonder how often other people think about death.

How often can I talk about the same fucking topics? Self-obsession. It's a vicious circle. I am like a dog chasing it's tail. I don't know how to get out of it confined to this rectangular box either.

Is it better to be self-obsessed without kids or not self.......... there is no non self-obsession. Obsession with a kid is still self-obsession. They say that's the meaning of life....

I need to take some LSD. There's not enough going on in this house. The floorboards are floorboards. The lights are just simply lights. I want to go somewhere.

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What good can I do in this life? Does it even matter?

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Sometimes a nigga just needs to listen to "The Sky is Pink" by Nathan Fake and really just sit in it. I have been suicidal lying in bed just crying to this song. I've also been driving into pink skies with rainbows and crying at the beauty of it all. And now I am somewhere in between. It GETS existence. That torment and that fire inside.



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That's it...

Samuel Beckett "Waiting For Godot"

Nathan Fake "The Sky Was Pink"

Rescue a cat

3 reasons why I don't want to kill myself

I remember I was driving through the farms of Indiana. The Sky Was Pink as loud as it could go. The Sky was pink and a double rainbow? Pretty remarkable.

I had a friend who seemed relatively happy. Made a good wage. Had a nice house. Nice car. Had a good kid. But dig a little deeper and he is drinking a litre of vodka a day playing free money slots on facebook the duration of non-work consciousness. He kept a pistol in his night stand. He told me the only time he's ever gotten close to using it was numerous times on himself.

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There was one time that I hung out with a crew of people. We would go to the bars early to watch the Detroit Lions games on tv. We would all get fucking wasted at like 11am on a Sunday. It was kind of fucking awesome. I went to the jukebox and played all the best music. Women were dancing on tables. At one point I had 3 women twerking on me. All married women by the way. The husbands didn't care. I didn't care. My goal was to get the bartenders who were fucking hot man. Totally fucking hot bro. The wives were cool as fuck. They all wingmanned for me. Good times. I would drive home fucking hammered and stop at Popeye's Chicken by my apartment slurring my words. Fucking idiocy. I'd get a shit ton of fried chicken some giant ass sugary drink and then go home and start hitting the bourbon until I would pass out....

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Those last drunks were no fun. I always have to remember those last drunks or otherwise hitting the bottle starts sounding like a better plan than just living in the torment. At least there are people out there like Beckett, Cioran, Sartre who get it. I was a wild animal. I am a wild animal. Just because there is some civilization that got involved doesn't mean that at the core I am not a wild animal. A scared wild animal. I know some things. Maybe too much. Naïveté as a virtue or a vice? We are all heroes to deal with this shit. With shitting and existence. Shitting and dying. Eating and shitting. Shit!

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I think Cioran is a better writer than Sartre. Sartre is like my guy though. The first existentialist that I encountered. Reading Nausea, Being and Nothingness, and No Exit was like MIND BLOWING at the time. I was like 26 at the time so got to it pretty late but DAMN. That's when I was hitting the Dostoevsky pretty hard too and it was like revolutionary. I miss those times. I was so hopeful.

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Now, I don't know if I am bitter with this resentment or that resentment. I just resent existence. And Sartre wrote "Being and Nothingness" in response to "Being in Time" and Heidegger thinks Sartre is a joke and I wish I knew Greek and Latin and French and German and et et et alll. "Burnout Society" by Byung-Chul Han is powerful. Most of his works are pretty great. I've read most of them twice.

Here is the guy I got the initial reading list from:

Henry17 Reading List

It took me a while but I got through most of it. I think the only thing I didn't read was Leviathan.

It might actually be interesting if Loco ever got a chance to debate this guy. University was relatively cheap when he was going and he figured out how to beat sports betting and loved student life so he just kept getting degrees. His PhD in Philosophy and Political Science was related to Rawls and Right-Libertarianism.

On July 14 2020 16:18 RiKD wrote: No jobs working with autistic people or suicide prevention jobs. At least I looked. So, I tried. That's it. Pack it in. I'm blinding out of life. Off to the streets I go.

Counseling obviously. Or volunteer with a crisis hotline. Though the latter is a big commitment and doesn't pay the last time I checked. Nowadays I'm not sure I would even be a good person to talk someone off the ledge. I'm afraid I'd feel that many are justified.

On July 15 2020 07:29 k4ir0s wrote: Show nested quote + On July 14 2020 16:18 RiKD wrote: No jobs working with autistic people or suicide prevention jobs. At least I looked. So, I tried. That's it. Pack it in. I'm blinding out of life. Off to the streets I go. Counseling obviously. Or volunteer with a crisis hotline. Though the latter is a big commitment and doesn't pay the last time I checked. Nowadays I'm not sure I would even be a good person to talk someone off the ledge. I'm afraid I'd feel that many are justified.

Yes. Counseling. But I have to get into grad school for that. No tellin' if I will get in. I already got DENIED by 1 school. At this point I don't see how the other would go any differently. My dumbass only applied to 2 online schools. I don't know why I didn't think about going brick and mortar. But with Covid that is kind of up in the air. My sister applied to only 1 online school and got in so I thought that was the way to do it lol. That's why I am looking at jobs to get me some money and get me experience and recommendation providers. But looking at that as a job search is making me vomit. It's too much. Too much means to an end. And it doesn't look like that situation actually exists. So, I am back to shit jobs and volunteering on the side.

There are tricks and risk assessments to suicide prevention. I think I would be pretty bad at "talking someone off the ledge" right now but I could learn the tips and tricks and maybe help someone. Who knows? It's hard for me to feel like an individual case could be justified. My therapist recently asked me if I have had any plans of killing myself in the future and I said yes. Then she switched it around and asked if there are 3 things I'm looking forward to? And I said coffee, books, family. And the way it was framed and the following conversations put life into a better light. I am not really one to talk to about existence at the moment though. I just want to snap at everybody. Shake everyone up. Make them feel what I feel. Even though if someone was living in naïveté and happiness the last thing I would ever want to wish on them is the torment and suffering that I feel.

I woke up. I had some coffee. I had a regular bowel movement of snake like wonder turds. But I feel weary. No one is going to solve my J O B problem and certainly no one is going to solve my existence problem. I'm on my own. Especially due to this isolation I am on my own. That is not a good thing for a self-obsessed, depressed person. Maybe I should volunteer to do the suicide hotline for no dinero. I don't really want to have to be on call at weird hours. I really shouldn't be talking it down when I have no info.

Everything is connected

We are connected to nature but so far removed from it. With our concrete jungles and our screens and our petty materialism. The only thing that will save the world at this point is ecology. Not fucking Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos. They have shown their hands already. And they have shown themselves to be losers. Musk doesn't get it. He is going to give all his houses away and all his belongings but he is still lying and attempting to deceive regarding the Cobalt in his batteries. All the big companies are no different. How do you think they got big? The entwinement with the USA Government and exploiting resources and labor.

Degradation Through Work – Emil Cioran

I am a mad person. Fighting existence to the death. No holds barred. There will be only 1 winner. The Universe. Even if it can not hear the blood stain, the sweat drip, the tears rolling down the contours of the face. The worms will win. The worms will win. Flawless victory. What the earth becomes has no bearing on the Universe. It has seen earth barren before. An ant does not contemplate death as it senses the pheromones of a comrade that has just found food. I am laying in wait. It is excruciating. This rectangular box is a torture chamber. The Universe stares coldly, silently. There are no negotiations. I will get older, perhaps suffer through old age and eventually die. Worm food.

Worm food. But I will go out in FLAMES to spite the worms. Decay is a worm's best friend but you can't eat annihilation! Annihilation of mind, body, and soul. DAS NICHTS! That is the remedy to DER ANGST. Perhaps the only remedy.

I wish to travel to Berlin, take quite a lot of MDMA and see a Moderat show. Drink Coffee with Byung-Chul Han. Ride a bike around the city. Eat some Apfel Strudel. Have a smoke. Have sex with Heidi Klum and right as I am orgasm'ing Byung-Chul Han decapitates me with a katana. I know Byung-Chul Han is South Korean and not Japanese I just trust him to be my #2 more than anyone. If Byung-Chul Han or Heidi Klum do not consent to my fantasy I will try to overdose on heroin in a secluded dumpster. No, that won't work. I would have to go through with finding heroin and all the gear and that's a pain. I highly doubt Byung-Chul Han would even meet me for coffee so maybe I should start over.

I wish to travel to Berlin, take quite a lot of MDMA and see a Moderat show. Ride a bike around the city. Eat some Apfel Strudel. Have a smoke.

I still wish to be decapitated immediately following orgasm or pulling a personal best deadlift. . . by Byung-Chul Han.

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It's fun to get a little mad. I have always thought I would be happier as a dolphin.

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Has anyone here stared an alligator in the eye? It's eerie man. Those things have been around since the dinosaurs. That is one of my main rules in life. Do not fuck with an alligator.

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I go through some intense existence man. Bare existence. Pure existence. No drugs or alcohol or gods. What is truth? You are telling me there is no truth? Dios mio man. What are we doing here? Just floating around in space. I am agony in the air. Grief amongst gravity. Despairing, decaying, DYING!

I wish to have my own butterfly garden. Nothing can change my mood so quick as to see even a common butterfly in flight. Monarch. Gulf frittilary. Black Swallowtail. Yellow Swallowtail. Yellow Sulfur. The Giant Black Swallowtail is my favorite in these parts.

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I never felt so connected the first time I did Ecstasy. I remember there was this really attractive asian young lady behind me in her little get up just dancing her heart out. I was ROLLLIN' man ROLLIN'. I never danced so well in my life. I remember sitting there thinking does she want me to dance with her or are we just here for the feeling, the music. So, then I'd dance my ass off harder going to places I've never been before. And it felt like we were all there together. I didn't have to be a creep and try and dance with her. We were already dancing together. We were all dancing together. The afterburn is pretty incredibly too on the comedown. The music still resonating across the body. Like taking the first sip of a magical warm tea. But then you can't sleep and feel like shit the next day so that's not good.

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This life is an Odyssey. You do a bunch of shit and come back home and only your dog recognizes you.

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Frozen bananas are actually quite good. It's almost like a dessert in itself and they are a great addition to smoothies.

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Is that what it boils down to? I have no drugs, no alcohol, and no gods. That's an intense existence. Like staring at the void intense. I will only decay and dwindle before I die. Drinking I could get it just right where things were ok for a little bit. Until I couldn't. I can't. That makes me sad. That's why I like hanging out with fellow drunks... errr.... I mean fellow people with alcoholism. It's just the whole God thing is a drag. No drugs, no gods, let's go. If I have to do it alone I'm going to do it alone. Thankfully there are my leftist people. I miss them dearly. I am doing it alone at the moment. I am terribly isolated. I am terribly lonely.

I have a meeting with my sponsor today so I was reading AA literature. Such a contrast between "Alcoholics Anonymous" by Bill Wilson and "On the Heights of Despair" by Emil Cioran. And they are talking about the same void, torment, agony, etc.

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Well, I am not going to fill the void with drugs/alcohol, I'm certainly not going to fill it with God, so I guess I write? I really wish I had something better to do. I don't. Every time I try to find something better to do I'm back here like I'm back at the bar like I'm back with a blunt like I'm back in the booty clubs like I'm back eating a burrito like I'm back alone in my room in the rectangular box trapped like a rat. No rats to wrestle. Just me and a drip of cocaine or a drip of water. How long do I last? Ahhhh, but I can write. It's like my paintings. Some are ok but it mostly helps me feel better. Although I was thinking earlier that I hate all my paintings and I am going to throw them into a bonfire. There are too many of them. But in reality I am fond of my paintings and could never set them all on fire. Who knows? Maybe I'll jump in with the paintings. That would be a horrible way to go but it would be something. What is something? Well, you put both of your hands around your penis and what remains well, now, that's something.

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I miss bonfires and starry nights.

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I once had a $3,000 bike. When I took it for a spin I was in such transcendence I was gone for an hour and a half. I told them I'd take it with out even asking how much it cost. When they rung it up I was like "oh..." but at the time had enough expendable income that I didn't really care. I've told this story before. I eventually had to sell it. I wish I had a bike but I am not a very good mechanic. I don't really need a bike I just enjoy that form of exercise even if it is a bit rough on the grundle. Damn, my old bike had the paddle shifters and everything. I would just go with something more reasonable this time around. Just to ride around the neighborhood for some exercise.

I don't know though. I am not much of a mechanic and it's really f'n hot here. If I was in Copenhagen or the South of France a bike becomes a lot more desirable. I guess it's a form of exercise I can do into old age. I can't keep getting fatter.

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Time is a mother fucker. Tick tock. Tick tock. Inching closer to infirmity and demise.

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I remember in 2008 I was at Creamfields Argentina and the big question was do I see David Guetta at x stage or Deadmau5 on y stage. We ended up seeing David Guetta on x stage. I was the only one who knew Deadmau5 at the time. Loved his album "Random Album Title" but Guetta was the clear favorite of the group. It didn't really fucking matter. I was on a ton of MDMA and the David Guetta show was great. "Love is Gone" was one of my favorites of all time. But then this motherfucker Carl Cox on the main stage absolutely BEAST MODED a set for 3 hours dancing and killing it the whole time. I was like who is this gap toothed fat motherfucker? Fuckin' murdered it.

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Deadmau5 is really great to take absurd amounts of speed and then go train. Some of his songs have like an impending doom feel to them and when you are speeding like crazy it feels like you might go too far and break. It also means you have to put the anxiety that you might die somewhere and that somewhere was the weights my friends. I don't think I could even sniff at the intensity of my training back then. I had marines looking at me like I was fucking crazy. And those guys were fucking crazy. We used to train together at times. I was rackpulling like 600 lbs. at the time and was taking a bit of a rest interval. One crazy ass roided up marine starts throwing a fit the rack isn't open. Starts unloading plates. I walk right up to this crazy mother fucker and tell him I've got 1 more set and to please stop unloading plates. I load up the plates. Pull a triple with fucking ease cause my adrenalin was jacked up. Turn to him and say it's all yours. Help him remove all the plates and we were besties from then on out. I miss those days badly. So much hope. Full of raison d'etre. It was mostly superficial. But the experience of rack pulling 600 lbs. or reading "Notes From the Underground" by Dostoevsky for the first time was a real wonder.

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Now, I am just sitting at my computer writing anecdotes from my "heydays" because there is little to no hope for me. Especially, not in quarantine. Shall I try to relive those moments? Like any drug the first time properly dosed can never be re-created. I think there is a epoch of time when you get more familiar with the high and you can really dial in the dosage to get what you want to achieve but it still doesn't re-create that first high/rush/whatever. Maybe that isn't true though. I still remember the first time I got high on marijuana. That was a really good high but it wasn't the best high. The best high from my memory was in Las Vegas on some really good shit. I was tilted as fuck and inhaled a whole joint in no time. Way too much way too fast. I remember thinking I was going to die, staring at the refrigerator for way too long, then I had some sugary drink and played Mario Kart and then lied in bed listening to Björk in absolute paradise.

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I can't deadlift anywhere because all the gyms are closed but I could re-read "Notes from the Underground" by Dostoevsky. Or read "Brothers Karamazov" which I have yet to read. Hmmmmmm. . .

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Is it all trifle? Do I mean British cake or that nothing matters? Mary Bary likes football. Why don't you like football?

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Well, I don't feel like killing myself. It's that magical trifecta. Small plate of pancakes, fresh, lovely coffee, and regular bowel movement a punto. It isn't until later in the night that the agony seeps in. When everything is dark and quiet yet sleep doesn't come. Harakiri, red wine/xanax, or gas myself. . . A roulette of annihilation. It's amazing more of us don't kill ourselves. I like how Cioran does it. He sets it all up. Just telling things like it is and offers no solutions. "How do we recover from birth?" We don't LOL. Byung-Chul Han is the same way. He gives us searing insights to reality and then THE END HAHHAHA. In the Byung-Chul Han case it becomes pretty clear to just do the opposite of what Han is condemning. In the Cioran case WE ARE ALREADY BORN! We can't just not exist with out killing ourself and who actually wants to do that? Fuck. We CAN'T recover from birth. I remember I have blogs on here talking about red wine and salmon from a trusted fish monger and roasted local asparagus in season and blah blah blah. That was actually pretty great come to think of it. Getting wasted and cooking a good dinner is a way to escape. It's not sustainable for me though. 1 bottle turns into 2 turns into 4. It's like doubling in backgammon. 8 to 16 bottles of wine is intense but doable. 32 bottles of wine and I think only Andre the Giant wins.

But, I am never going to believe in a God so why would I pray to something I don't believe in. It makes my membership in Alcoholics Anonymous somewhat awkward and it always will. I would surely pick the option of drinking a couple of bottles of wine with good cooked food some ice cream, a cigar, and cognac if it still worked. Or would work consistently.

I remember there was this really good Mediterranean restaurant where I lived at one point in time. They had a bunch of screens at the bar. The place would get packed at night so I thought it would be a fun place to watch the Spain vs. Portugal World Cup match. I walk in and the place looks closed. I am the only one in there. I don't fuckin' care I am here to watch the game. So, they get the game on the tv and I order a shit ton of tapas and the finest red. I am guzzling this fucking fine red. I order another. The tapas comes. So, much food. Too much food. I guzzle another fine red down. The waiter is like what the fuck is this guy doing? I guzzle another fine red down. Decide it's lame in here and go on a bar crawl. Pretty typical Saturday for me at the time. . . It didn't actually work though as I remember thinking about driving off mountain roads or jumping off my 3rd floor balcony. 3rd floor balcony is a rough way to go. . . If you are going to jump might as well make it a really high bridge. But I don't like heights so I don't like that idea. I don't really like the idea in general to be honest but that's the way my brain works. Many times thinking about a way out. I was a poker player. I like outs.

There was this fantastic wine bar I used to frequent. That's where I met those professors who were interested in zombie ants. . .
I was always improving. At that wine bar I was chatting up the bartender too much. She was busy. You gotta play it cool. Let things happens. Talk to the people next to you. Ideally you meet friends of friends. It was never any better than when I met that group of hot wives that would wingman for me. I was getting warm introductions to all the bartenders in the city and the bartenders could give me warm introductions to anyone or anyone could give me warm introductions to anyone. The problem is I had to drink and drive everywhere. My apartment was almost a punto. Never good enough. Nothing was ever good enough. Good date with a hot woman. I wanted 3 great dates with models. So close yet so far. Booty calls in Chicago. I was a mess. I was a mess for a long time. Killing myself might be the most lucid thing I'll ever do. But I'll miss the coffee and petit dejeuner and regular bowel movement. I'll miss my family. I'll miss books. Well, actually I wouldn't miss any of these things. I would be dead. Nothing. In Nothingness.

I am expecting a phone call. It is not as easy to write now that it is in the realm of possibility to receive a call. My mind is constantly focused on that. I could be disrupted mid-sentence or mid-thought. But if I stop writing there will be nothing to do except to just wait for the phone call.

I learned a new word today. Ennui. A French word that basically means boredom. I was going to watch a Bong Joon Ho film but I could only find it on DVD. . . My name is Henry Ennui and I want to kill myself. What occupation or sort of excitement could save a soul like mine? What is my raison d'etre? Walk on a hamster wheel and watch sunsets? I make my curries extra hot so I can feel something in life. That was my only joy today. Making the curry so god damn hot it's like entering an abyss you are unsure if you can get out of it. Except there is dairy the all mighty capsaicin killer. I saw a rare butterfly today too. That made me happy.

there is a glitch with the subtitles around 9 mins which stays on for a couple minutes but it goes away

On July 19 2020 07:12 Loco wrote: there is a glitch with the subtitles around 9 mins which stays on for a couple minutes but it goes away

This was like my version of sitting down for coffee with Byun-Chul Han earlier today. Brilliant. Thank you. Loved the Park Chan-wook cameo. Those suicide deterrents on the bridges are hilarious. It might work on my fat ass. "Do I jump today?" "Nah, I want some Kimchi and noodles instead..."

Not only am I trapped in these 4 walls I am trapped in myself! No hope of escape except for the Other. The Other doesn't even know I am here. All tidily kept away.

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Martin Stimming's favorite song he's ever created:



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Where oh where is my atopic Other? I have to leave the house to find It/Her. I am confined here. I am confined to myself/in myself.

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Here is another song I have been diggin':



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How am I going to dig myself out of this depression if I am so so isolated? I agree with Han in that erotic desire will jolt me out of this thing. It's just slightly complicated of what erotic desire entails. Unfortunately, it's not to be found on Tinder or Pornhub. It's found in the real world. The real world that I cannot enter. I wish to find use in the useless. Do nothing.

Atopy (philosophy) – placelessness, unclassifiable, of high originality

That's what I look for in an Other. That could bring me outside of myself. In fact I know her. She exists in this very town. I know of another and another that live across the USA. I know a waitress that lives in Paris. I could go as far as to say they are everywhere but I haven't found that to be the case. There aren't any existing in this blasted rectangular box!

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Another great one from Nathan Fake:



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But I am trapped in myself. I only see my existence. Self-obsession. Self-centeredness. I haven't had erotic desire for a woman in a long time. I have had sexual desire. Many times walking on the beach I am sexually attracted to a multitude of women at the beach but sexual attraction and erotic desire are not the same thing. I remember I was at a dinner with a date and she was going through her purse and she put a condom openly on the table and looked at me with her fiery eyes and then put it back in her purse. It caught my eyes a blaze as well as my loins. I wanted to take her right there on the table. That would get me out of this "funk."

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I can't get one atopic Other out of my head. She was a painter. I loved her work. She is now a failed painter. That is ok. I love her more. She once told me I shouldn't listen to Lauren Hill because she doesn't want white people to listen to her music. I told her she and Lauren Hill are crazy I am listening to her music regardless so fuck off. She is now an instructor (black belt) at a Taekwando studio.

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I think just thinking about these women is lighting a fire under me. Psychological research suggests marriage has no real benefit to happiness or rather that happiness goes up in the honeymoon period and then dips down. I wonder if there is any research comparing "with a partner" versus "single"? Ok. That's a lot to fucking parse through at this time.

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I don't know why I share so much on here. I don't even feel that tormented right now. I don't want to kill my self but I don't mind talking about killing myself. Just a case of ennui. I remember I took a break from here for like 3 days. It was interesting. I turned into some gamified karma robot on Reddit. I followed 20+ disability activists on Twitter but I never go on Twitter. Pretty standard things for me to do. I need to re-read The Transparency Society. I need to get out of this house. Unfortunately, I need to get a job. Maybe I will meet my atopic Other there.

It's interesting that I have been off of facebook for so long and that doesn't even enter my mind. Twitter I rarely check. I checked my Instagram for the first time in a long time because I got an email update and was curious. What a superficial cess pool that place is. For some reason I don't consider LP to be a part of the digital panopticon.

Maybe because it's my sole narcissistic outlet I go H*A*M*. I am trapped in myself remember. I only go out for walks and I was saved by the existence of an attractive woman in funny pants. I had never seen someone wear pants that silly outside of a clown or Jasmine from the Disney movie "Alladin." (I would never watch a Disney movie today).

But I am trapped here in these walls in myself. I can't even go to the barber. I look like Tom Hanks from Castaway. How, am I suppose to go to a job interview looking like Tom Hanks from Castaway?

Overall, it's just the same rehashed stuff over and over and over.