Heretic and an idiot

I caught a glimpse of escaping death with that blog post. It only makes me want to communicate more and faster. I caught a glimpse of death by being alive. It only makes me want to communicate more and faster.

I just got back from the gym. Of course, my disposition is in a better place. I didn't think about dying when I was trying to pull my 8th rep on the one arm dumbbell row. What I am curious about is what is the difference between becoming an achievement-subject in the gym and becoming an achievement-subject working for a corporation?

Let's start with the gym. Why am I there? It was actually a question I was asking myself today. So, it has a tendency of improving my disposition. It's been shown to fend off depression and anxiety. Should I be there to get bigger muscles or to look "sexier"? Is that a reasonable end?

I am surrounded by signs like "Limitless," "Go Harder," "Go Faster," "Go Beyond."

Does anyone lift weights for the sake of doing it? Even if it is solely for some level of euphoria that will only lead to some level of burnout.

I suppose the corporate achievement-subject is less benign. What is the end here? Competition, status, and primarily consumption. It's all seduction. Some will thrive I'm sure. Most will not. The worst part is the seduction is so light and invisible that it is difficult to resist. It's seemingly impossible to resist Neoliberalism. It has everyone convinced that they should blame themselves in all conditions rather than perhaps taking a look at the permeating culture.

I'll be honest, I am a bit scared. The company I work for is very adept at this craft of invisible seduction. My motive of doing a good job and making the company more profitable so I can keep my job and have opportunities just happens to coincide with the model of self-exploiting achievement-subject. I don't know if there is any way around it I just need to be aware of it so I don't burnout, get depressed, and self-destruct.

I much prefer contemplative lingering but I just haven't been able to find a way into the philosophy space. It could be a much different thing when I am asked to read some 1,000 page tome of someone who I am not interested in and write a 25 page paper on it. Much of this existence is not easy. And here I am writing even more and even faster.

All of them have this bull*t about going faster and beyond but I will tell you a little secret. I get more money and work 10x less than when I tried to be an artist/run my own business. It is a lot less stress too and a lot more free time. Seriously, once you played poker or tried to run a legitimate business, working for a corporation is a piece of cake.

What is your goal? The gym/corporation/whatever else should be just your tools for your goals.
Friends, community? There is plenty of time left to do it while working at a corp. Also, what community you want to join? Jobless people? Well, if it is your goal, don't work.
If not, you have to be in a working people community to get access to this community. That is life. You can't connect with people if you don't struggle with things they struggle with... that includes having a job.

The end game here is you move towards YOUR goals using different tools at your disposal. You don't self-exploit yourself. If you think you do this, you have it backwards.

I found poker easier than my time at a multi-national. Poker came pretty easy for me and I was good enough and put in the work when I needed to to get a piece of the pie. I was not one of the ones that lasted however. I underestimated the variance in PLO and burned out and self-destructed right at the wrong time. Burnout can be salvaged. Self-destruction not so much. That is the natural progression though. Euphoria - Sameness - Burnout - Depression - Self-destruction. I went through the same thing at the multinational. My manager's manager told us all in the first meeting that I was a contractor. It was my responsibility to manage my business. Even though I was an employee with a capped salary I became an entrepreneur of the self. Just as in poker. The sky was the limit and I intended to fly past Icarus. It followed the same path. Euphoria - Sameness - Burnout - Depression - Self-destruction.

I don't have any goals. There are roads I would like to travel and there are detours and further detours and I am mostly just wandering. Seeking. Seeking what I am not so sure. Seeking knowledge. Avoiding information. There are no conclusions besides death.

Neoliberalism has us by the balls. Our goals are their goals. Everything becomes for work. There is no leisure time only breaks from work. I did a great job educating myself on life during my time as a man of leisure. I would just hate to see it thrown down the drain. But, this is an opportunity for experience. I am here anyways. Let's see if I can produce x amount of orders in a sane way and not want to come home and consume for status or anesthetic purposes. I am slightly worried about this "customer obsession" thing. I like the Other but not enough to obsess even if they are customers. I do think hospitality is a virtue though and when I am on the clock that store can be considered my home. Look at me rationalizing and being positive. That store is not my home. Once I say "can" it turns to should. Either way it is a place I will be spending a lot of time and to be hospitable is the right thing to do.

You're not a heretic

Don't be so hard on yourself

Having children is bad.

Christmas is bullshit.

I am an atheist and an anti-theist.

Neoliberalism is a dictator.

There is no heaven.

There is no immortal soul.

et cetera.

Nausea

"beauty"

Smoooth

More real than real. Perfect for an Instagram post done from an iPhone X while drinking Limited Edition Dom Perignon by Jeff Koons. The pinnacle of life! Only positivity allowed!

Beauty will save the world but how do we save beauty?

I don't know what it is I just take a certain restlessness and hurriedness with me when I am "done" with work. It's hard to get over that. It's such a stark contrast to contemplating some Byung-Chul Han and having no idea what time it is or even what day it is. I take that pressure to produce and to profit with me. That slight nervousness and anxiety. It's more of a subconscious tension. Maybe Tinder can solve this.... Shit, I'm turned on now what.... as I frantically scroll through Pornhub to find a video that suits my taste and rather rapidly shoot my load into a nearby t-shirt... Just to simply have an orgasm as maybe the solution to my problems but my problem is neoliberalism. My problem is existence. The solutions just bring more problems. Like my writing of this post: rapidly, frantically. Where does it end? When does it slow down?

Actual conversation with the Other I can talk myself free and offer up such a gift as listening to allow them to do the same.

I am not ready to contemplate how we save beauty just yet. I was this morning and then work happened. That sucks. Oh well, I have 2 days of leisure to get back to andante before ruining it all with work again. I am finding my way.

On July 08 2018 22:06 RiKD wrote: I found poker easier than my time at a multi-national. Poker came pretty easy for me and I was good enough and put in the work when I needed to to get a piece of the pie. I was not one of the ones that lasted however. I underestimated the variance in PLO and burned out and self-destructed right at the wrong time. Burnout can be salvaged. Self-destruction not so much. That is the natural progression though. Euphoria - Sameness - Burnout - Depression - Self-destruction. I went through the same thing at the multinational. My manager's manager told us all in the first meeting that I was a contractor. It was my responsibility to manage my business. Even though I was an employee with a capped salary I became an entrepreneur of the self. Just as in poker. The sky was the limit and I intended to fly past Icarus. It followed the same path. Euphoria - Sameness - Burnout - Depression - Self-destruction. I don't have any goals. There are roads I would like to travel and there are detours and further detours and I am mostly just wandering. Seeking. Seeking what I am not so sure. Seeking knowledge. Avoiding information. There are no conclusions besides death. Neoliberalism has us by the balls. Our goals are their goals. Everything becomes for work. There is no leisure time only breaks from work. I did a great job educating myself on life during my time as a man of leisure. I would just hate to see it thrown down the drain. But, this is an opportunity for experience. I am here anyways. Let's see if I can produce x amount of orders in a sane way and not want to come home and consume for status or anesthetic purposes. I am slightly worried about this "customer obsession" thing. I like the Other but not enough to obsess even if they are customers. I do think hospitality is a virtue though and when I am on the clock that store can be considered my home. Look at me rationalizing and being positive. That store is not my home. Once I say "can" it turns to should. Either way it is a place I will be spending a lot of time and to be hospitable is the right thing to do.

The fact you found poker easier is your subjective thought. The fact that you lost everything proves it is not easy. You just happened to win for a while. There are far fewer long term poker winners than people doing contracting jobs which is another objective measure of what is easier.

It is fine not to have goals. It does not mean this will lead you good places, though. Quite the contrary in general, just so you know. You are already on your road there, if you want it, keep doing what you are doing.
It is really not hard. If you don't aim at better you, you have 1 most likely road left. Self destruction (slower or faster). Just saying in case you do not realize it.

You cannot see past your worldview. Hardly anyone can. It is not your fault because "people do not have ideas. Ideas have people". If you understand this, there is a chance you may free yourself and step outside your box. There might be no escape though. It is a lot of work. It is far easier to stay where you are and that is what 99% people do. You have got to be something to be in 1%.

Your opinion is as real for you as my opinion is real for me so who is right? We both are.

Nothing has got me by the balls, if anything, you have got yourself by the balls.

Different people got different personalities. Poker is the easiest thing ive done. But I guess for others its hard

I mean, it is just statistics and people who make a career out of it vs people who burn out long term. It is not easy statistically (therefore objectively) speaking. It may be easy for you, but it is subjective.
Yeah, people should match their personalities to the jobs they want... if they want to increase their chances of success.

On July 09 2018 23:15 nlloser60 wrote: Show nested quote + On July 08 2018 22:06 RiKD wrote: I found poker easier than my time at a multi-national. Poker came pretty easy for me and I was good enough and put in the work when I needed to to get a piece of the pie. I was not one of the ones that lasted however. I underestimated the variance in PLO and burned out and self-destructed right at the wrong time. Burnout can be salvaged. Self-destruction not so much. That is the natural progression though. Euphoria - Sameness - Burnout - Depression - Self-destruction. I went through the same thing at the multinational. My manager's manager told us all in the first meeting that I was a contractor. It was my responsibility to manage my business. Even though I was an employee with a capped salary I became an entrepreneur of the self. Just as in poker. The sky was the limit and I intended to fly past Icarus. It followed the same path. Euphoria - Sameness - Burnout - Depression - Self-destruction. I don't have any goals. There are roads I would like to travel and there are detours and further detours and I am mostly just wandering. Seeking. Seeking what I am not so sure. Seeking knowledge. Avoiding information. There are no conclusions besides death. Neoliberalism has us by the balls. Our goals are their goals. Everything becomes for work. There is no leisure time only breaks from work. I did a great job educating myself on life during my time as a man of leisure. I would just hate to see it thrown down the drain. But, this is an opportunity for experience. I am here anyways. Let's see if I can produce x amount of orders in a sane way and not want to come home and consume for status or anesthetic purposes. I am slightly worried about this "customer obsession" thing. I like the Other but not enough to obsess even if they are customers. I do think hospitality is a virtue though and when I am on the clock that store can be considered my home. Look at me rationalizing and being positive. That store is not my home. Once I say "can" it turns to should. Either way it is a place I will be spending a lot of time and to be hospitable is the right thing to do. The fact you found poker easier is your subjective thought. The fact that you lost everything proves it is not easy. You just happened to win for a while. There are far fewer long term poker winners than people doing contracting jobs which is another objective measure of what is easier.

That's why I said I thought it came pretty easy for me. That is subjective. I didn't lose everything. I lost my bankroll. Unless I started playing again and tilting it away at high stakes and going into debt I will be a winning poker player for as long as I live. I don't even want to get into it with that last sentence. It is not that simple.

It is fine not to have goals. It does not mean this will lead you good places, though. Quite the contrary in general, just so you know. You are already on your road there, if you want it, keep doing what you are doing. It is really not hard. If you don't aim at better you, you have 1 most likely road left. Self destruction (slower or faster). Just saying in case you do not realize it.

I don't write down my goals. Of course, I am aiming. I am aiming to acquire more knowledge, watch out for information, make sure I can continue eating food, make sure I can continue sleeping in an adequate shelter, I would like to be able to pay for my car. It doesn't make sense to ride a bike around here. I would like to pay for my health, pay for doing things with friends, pay for doing things with dates. The list can go on for a while.

I had a goal to make $40k/yr. Why? It took me a year of making $10k and reading and discussing and it took me a miserable job at $70k to make me realize that's not it. I definitely don't have goals involving consumption. That's one thing I've learned. So, what, you want me to be some kind of optimization machine? That's not it either. I may self destruct but it's not because I don't have a goal of buying a Porsche Boxter by the time I'm 40. Now, if I really want to go to the University of Arts (in Berlin) and study Philosophy and Culture Studies I'll do it. I already have some things working against me. I don't have any money and my German is rusty. My German is not just rusty I would need improvement to understand lectures, read material, and write at a university level. If I really wanted to do it I could probably make it work but I could also do what I am doing here and read all the same philosophers in my comfy bed at a relatively much lower cost.

You cannot see past your worldview. Hardly anyone can. It is not your fault because "people do not have ideas. Ideas have people". If you understand this, there is a chance you may free yourself and step outside your box. There might be no escape though. It is a lot of work. It is far easier to stay where you are and that is what 99% people do. You have got to be something to be in 1%. Your opinion is as real for you as my opinion is real for me so who is right? We both are. Nothing has got me by the balls, if anything, you have got yourself by the balls.

That's why I read so much damn philosophy because I can't see past my worldview. I am not in a box man. What's in the boooxxxxx? It's not me man. It's + Show Spoiler +

. I am a flower open to light. If the 1% takes self-exploitation and "optimization" no thanks man. You can try. You Can try and You Should try. Gogogogogo!

If you aren't in the .1% neoliberalism has you by the balls.

The second part of that sentence may have been the most profound thing you have ever said but it is not true for me when I am a sovereign man of leisure.

I am closest to my dreams as I'll ever be. I just woke up.

Waiting to go to brunch. Waiting for Godot.

I was having a conversation with my mom and somehow anti-natalism came up and I told her it was David Benetar's position that having children is bad b/c basically there is no suffering in nothingness and surely suffering in existence. Her response was "But they are such an unbelievable joy at times." I kind of wanted to just kill the conversation so I did but that response is a perfect example of what I am talking about. Notice how she only looked at it from her perspective. It shows the self-centeredness and narcissism of parents. It also is an example of how humans tend to reduce negativity and exaggerate positivity.