F*ck you f*cks - Page 2

RiKD I agree with you that you are a narcissist, or at least extremely self absorbed. you write 'blog' posts every few days about yourself and all of details in your life that most normal people would not or shouldn't care about, basically 'cool story bro' posts.

On November 17 2017 08:05 Loco wrote: The Bojack vid reminded me of your blog (and other LP posts). Do you see yourself in there at all?

Yeah. I definitely see myself in there. Getting a girlfriend definitely seems like one of my "endings." Even though there will be good days and bad days and it likely won't work out. Same thing with a "better" job or a "better" living arrangement. Although I think there is more likelihood a good job or a good apartment can work out for as long as it works out. I don't think I live for these endings as much as I used to. I used to live for max fun and pleasure and there was always a hangover. I've told that story of my first one night stand with a beautiful woman which was a lot of fun and pleasurable but after orgasm I just laid in bed feeling empty and alone even though she was sleeping right next to me. Next day I was hungover and depressed all day and then I felt better at some point. Existence can be difficult. It is difficult. That movie is right: there isn't any closure until death. We are just sort of moving along like the graphic of all the characters' ups and downs. I don't know if I should be so hard on myself when I am legitimately depressed. It is going to happen. It sucks. It is very difficult to take action in those spots. I really need to be taking action when I am more up. I also need to manage my depression as best as I can.

I found it hilarious that the "enlightened" looked like a gerbil mentioned helping suffering alcoholics/addicts at the halfway house and how it did not work. I didn't catch that the first time I watched it. That is another "ending" for me. I will just go into this detox and share my story and everything will be ok. Now, that is ongoing because some of those people can start showing up at the meetings and I can continue to help or even become a sponsor which by almost all accounts is a good thing to do. I have had two sponsees. Time spent with them I would not want to be anywhere else in the world but one disappeared and the other after some time moved. The second one is still sober which is awesome and just got his two years which made me happy. He could drink tommorow. I could drink tommorow. There are plenty of people to just help or have a conversation with or I can share my experiences in the meeting or out of the meeting.

Also, like Bojack and many of the other characters, I am incredibly self-centered. Helping people is the only way I have found to get out of that self-centeredness. This blog and subsequent posts seem to be an outlet for all of my self-centeredness, self-absorbed, self-obsessed energies. "The narcissist maintains this self-obsession into adulthood." I am working on it. I see a therapist. I go to a lot of AA meetings. I have people in my life that call me on my shit.

I don't want to just exist. I want to live. And of course that takes action. After all these years of obsessing over what living even means I am still not sure. I still have this idea that bathing in champagne with two beauties is the peak of life even though I know that not to be true. Loco, your post in the getting your shit together thread really illuminates some of the core issues. Then I come home from a day of work and I don't quite feel like reading so I have nothing to do but come to LP but the thing is this is my problem that can be solved. I could watch the latest season of Bojack Horseman. Problem solved. I know I am still just sort of treading water but I have been making great gains in friends at least. Job is ok. I get along well with my parents and it is a cozy house. Things could be worse. Things could be better. I don't know if I can honestly say I am doing the best I can but I think I am darn close. I can't live perfect. That is unattainable and impossible and I don't even want to go there. Chasing after Adonis by Rodin. I don't want to chase. Seek out the right size for this existence. Good enough. Good enough.

On November 17 2017 08:48 Stroggoz wrote: RiKD I agree with you that you are a narcissist, or at least extremely self absorbed. you write 'blog' posts every few days about yourself and all of details in your life that most normal people would not or shouldn't care about, basically 'cool story bro' posts.

Self-absorbed is a good work. I am definitely extremely self-centered. I think LP has become an outlet for these defects of character. I think part of it too is grabbing for relief. If I am bored or stressed it is something to do. I have written some relatively private anecdotes on here. I think I feel better getting them out into the open. Maybe they will be entertaining or people will feel better they aren't as fucked up as me.

And we are back to how to solve the non-endings of job, apartment, girlfriend. I really do think that is an ending some of the time. Maybe most of the time before watching the Bojack video. We've already looped through this a bunch of time but since I do not want to work two jobs the only path is to take action on a "better" job. I don't hate my current job so it is more difficult to really go after another job. My current job allows me to be comfortable living in my parents' house but if things don't change they don't change. Oh well. Most importantly is I am finally meeting people so I need to keep that up.

On November 16 2017 06:48 Silver_nz wrote: Have you understood what life really is? based on our best understanding of all the evidence:

Who is "our"? Scientists? Where can I find that the gene-centered view of evolution is accepted by consensus among them?