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busto @ poker/life - apology to my friends

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AgentIce   . Aug 18 2010 02:41. Posts 28
I've been too ashamed and embarrassed to talk to my friends for a while now. I'm on a big downswing at life, I made promises I couldn't keep and lost the respect of some close friends. I'm not sure they even want to hear it, but I owe them an explanation so that's what I'm setting out to do with this.

First off brief background, I've been playing poker for about 8 years now. I'm a winning player (DoctaBluff pokertableratings) and I've made about 300k from poker. Nothing spectacular. My highpoint was living in scotland with steve and iain, I had about 30k online at that point and was playing the 400$ games. I have a background in starcraft and used to play a lot with tillerman and maynard and his gang. I used the handle IceGod back then.

So here is my current situation. I have about a 500$ online roll right now. Last month I was in a similar situation with about 580$ when I decided to really try to apply myself and turn it around. I actually fell to 340$ at one point playing the 25$ games, but made it back to 1100$ after about 40 hours of play. That wasn't quite enough to cover rent and pay for food so I was planning to really push the last few days of the month when I got sick. I was really in a rock and a hard place, I had already burned too many bridges with my friends to even think about borrowing any more money, but I couldn't play because my body wasn't allowing it. I asked family and friends for money and all of them were broke. I ended up finding the number of my scientologist dad who isn't supposed to talk to me and he was able to loan me 700$. That was a funny phone call actually, he didn't recognize me because we haven't talked in 8 years. Problem is, that money was supposed to get to me on the 2nd, but the check got lost in the mail and I didn't get it until the 14th. Getting the money onto full tilt has also been a problem, I'm having a friend deposit for me but that also is not instant so as of this month I have not been able to play at all. So as of right now 550$ rent is due by the end of the month which I am going to sell off the rest of my possessions to cover (tv, couch, ps3). This is the last month I'm going to stay here because after this I'm going to either stay with my sister or move in with my girlfriends family. Neither option is ideal to put it mildly. I have no car (it was repossessed a while ago). I have no work experience. I owe money to my friends which I can't pay back and has strained if not completely broken any relationship we had.

So what happened? How does a winning player who should know better end up in this situation? Well, I actually got what I believe is a big part of the answer when I got sick last month. I ended up going to the hospital because I found out they can't turn you away even if you don't have insurance/money and I was just fed up with the pain. The doctor quickly told me I had migraines and he had a similar story to mine where he put up with pain and was desperate to the point of getting surgery on his sinuses to fix the problem before he found out it was migraines.

I did some research, and it looks like I've had migraines all my life. I've been in bad debilitating chronic pain for about 4 years now. I've had headaches, sensitivity to light, and nausea my entire life but not usually to a debilitating level. I have many strange afflictions that suddenly make sense from my past now that I know its migraines. Basically at it's worst the pain in my face/head was excruciating to the point where all I could do was go lay down in a dark room somewhere. I couldn't play games, watch movies, anything, the pain was too much of a distraction. Even when it wasn't blinding pain, I found it very difficult to relax and enjoy the things I used to. It NEVER goes away. I would sometimes hurt myself in other parts of my body just so I could feel some different pain. I can't remember what it feels like to not be in pain. I don't remember exactly when it first started getting really bad, but I know it steadily got worse, until it was an every day all day thing. Up until a couple weeks ago I thought it was sinus infections maybe related to my deviated septum, then ear infections, then TMJ. When I got back from scotland I went so far as to pay 2.5k out of pocket to get my wisdom teeth removed in the hopes the pain would go away. I was desperate, and it didnt. After I did that the only solution seemed to be to go to specialists which I couldn't afford. That was iffy though, did I need jaw surgery? Face surgery? Change in diet etc? It would obviously not be some quick fix.

The messed up part of all this is I wasn't able to really tell anyone about it so I suffered in silence and didn't ask for the help I needed. I could spend a while talking about why that is and a lot of it has to do with how I was raised but to put it succinctly A) I viewed talking about pain as a sign of weakness, and might make people not like me or view me in a bad way, so I hid it B) I was told repeatedly growing up that I was evil at my core and so a lot of the time I thought I deserved the pain and viewed it as something for me to conquer to prove I was good and C) I was taught that 90% of pain is mental so I thought a lot of it was being caused by something I was doing in my mind. Then just overall I wanted to have friends and be liked and who wants to be around someone who always complaining about pain. So I'm pretty sure most of my friends had little idea of exactly what I was going through, although I did tell them bits and pieces.

Needless to say, all that pain made it difficult to work. In fact, poker became a sort of trigger for migraines. I could just think about playing poker and instantly I would be hit with a lot of pain (more than the normal every day pain) that wouldn't go away for sometimes days. I saw my friends pulling 30 hour sessions and making all this money at poker and I just thought they were stronger than me and I was just lazy/weak. The fact that me thinking about poker made it turn on made me think poker was the cause. I truly believed it was my fault and that if I could just change how I thought I could fix it. I was blind to the fact that it was not something I could get over with just the power of my mind.

On top of the physical aspects, when I got out of scientology at 24 I was a very anxiety prone person with a lot of self confidence issues. I made poker 1000x more stressful than it needed to be, because I was a very easily stressed out person. It's truly a miracle I somehow managed to break through and become successful at poker. After 6 months of 160+ hour months at 5$ an hour I had to make a choice to quit or to fully devote myself regardless of pain. Quitting would have been horrible (hello mcdonalds) so I just forced myself through the pain. I didn't know it at the time but I was struggling with migraines back then too, just they weren't chronic and they weren't debilitating. I had a breakthrough and finally made it to the 100$ games and onwards. The last few years when everything in my life has been falling apart I devoted myself to studying when I wasn't playing and that has done a lot for my game and also my mental game while playing. I find myself more relaxed and calm and with a more positive attitude about myself and the game in general. Unfortunately as you can guess this didn't make the migraines go away.

After I got back from scotland I was only doing about 30-40 hours a month. This was still about 3k a month 12 tabling the 1/2 games and I was probably running decent too so I managed to skate by. I knew something had to be done though and my friends were telling me the same. I knew they were right and that I was heading for disaster but at the same time every time I would play I was in a lot of pain. It actually got to where I was getting sick about twice a month. I thought it was this weird head cold thing but looking back it was definitely migraines. 2 years ago I discovered weed and it actually gave me some much needed relief from the pain. Actually the first time I smoked I was so excited to actually feel good I think the high made that excitement even more so it was pretty intense. As you can imagine I started smoking a LOT. I also got a girlfriend so I started spending more money too and working even less. Sure enough I hit a 4k downswing and had to move down to the 100$ games. From then on my life has steadily been falling apart.

So where does that leave me? Well I owe my friend Kaj 5000$. He staked me for the 100$ games about 6 months ago. I thought it was a motivational issue/mental issue that I wasn't playing and when I asked him to stake me and I definitely felt motivated to play and that I had improved a lot at poker and was pretty confident. Unfortunately I fell into the same cycle which has been plaguing me this last 4 years again. Play for maybe 5 days until I wake up one day too exhausted and in pain to play or just feeling like I deserve a day off for going through what I did. That day off would turn into me putting off playing until the last second because I was trying to avoid pain. Eventually I would feel so guilty for not playing and so disgusted at myself that I would again force myself to play, which would again result in me getting sick and unable to play and so on.

Well, I suppose that's not the explanation my friends want to hear, but it's the truth. In hindsight, there are so many things I could have done to avoid all this, but if I could go back in time and do things over again only knowing what I knew back then I'd do the same thing, because I didn't know any better. I never meant to steal or lie or hurt any of them, and I am terribly sorry for any pain I have caused. I don't know when I can pay you guys back, but I do plan to and I look forward to the day we can all be friends again.

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AznFisherman   United States. Aug 18 2010 03:48. Posts 956

wow

good luck man hope you find a way out of this mess


OpWestAcct   United States. Aug 18 2010 03:53. Posts 640

You don't need friends right now. Get your life in order. Quit worrying about pleasing everyone else and do what it takes to rise to the top again.

Fuck me 

Fujikura   United States. Aug 18 2010 03:58. Posts 1795

Not sure exactly what to say, but sounds like you need to get your life in order and get a job if poker can't be used to solve your long list of problems. If that's the case, you need to find an alternative and fast. Regardless, good luck with everything, and please post an update to this blog because I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to see you fix your life. Good luck, and I wish you the best.

aka SouL)Z(Isadie and SouL)P(Fujikura 

Steal City   United States. Aug 18 2010 04:05. Posts 2537

yea get a job where you don't have to think too much (does hard thinking bring on migranes?) Seems like poker involves hard thinking which worsens the migranes and then association conditions the two together so that, if you even think of poker you get migranes. That's what it sounds like at least... true or no?

Intersango.com intersango.com  

Bejamin1   Canada. Aug 18 2010 04:14. Posts 7042

1. Get a normal job like Steal suggests. Something where hard thinking is not required.

2. Take control of the situation as much as you can. Do research on migraines both causes and therapy techniques. Prescription drugs are likely to be very expensive but their may be some other options. If you do find a more homeopathic option seek the opinion of someone with medical expertise before trying it. All you need is one friend that knows a doctor to have someone to run things by before you give it a try.

3. Join a support group or forum that was set up specifically for people with migraines. Google should find you one in a few minutes. The people there share your plight and might be able to help you with finding solutions. There may be really simple things you can do to reduce your symptoms.

This is what I can think of off the top of my head. The most important thing is that you tell people and keep seeking out information. You may find help in the most unexpected of places.

Sorry dude he Jason Bourned me. -Johnny Drama 

AgentIce   . Aug 18 2010 05:27. Posts 28

Re getting a normal job. That's one of the plans I have. I figure some time off from a stressful job like poker could be good for me. At the very least I can keep a journal and see if my migraines get better. I'm not sure if thinking hard is a trigger for migraines, stress is not considered to be a trigger but can aggravate something that is already there. It could be food allergies, it could be my schedule, it could even be me spending time at the computer.

I had begun to research migraines and also joined a support forum before I made this post. The support forum is helpful, some of the stories are worse than mine though so I guess in that sense I can say I'm lucky compared to some. It's nice to talk to people that completely understand what you mean when you say chronic pain too. I did find some natural supplements that might help. Researching migraines has been a daunting task so far. Science doesn't understand them fully just yet and there is no cure, just a list of about 1000 things that "might" cause migraines. I looked at the food section and just about everything good you could think to eat is on the list of possible migraine triggers lol. I used to think I would never be able to give up things like cheese, mayannaise, butter, soda, etc but if quitting any or all of those stops the pain then its not even a question.

It's nice to know random strangers care, I wasn't expecting that quick of a response. Thanks for the support guys


thumbz555   United States. Aug 18 2010 07:04. Posts 3281

Normal job, less stress, less staring at a monitor = + EV life decision for you imo

I click buttons. 

traxamillion   United States. Aug 18 2010 07:22. Posts 10428

yo when ppl put out recycling in your area go out and hit that shit. get the 45 gallon garbage bags from costco. park in the area (preferably well off / rich areas) were ppl have put out recycling for the next day at night preferably after midnight. just cruise through the area quietly in decent patterns to get you back to your car and stash full bags along the way. pick up bags when you get back to car. gather aluminum ($1.90/lb) and CRV plastic only ($.9-$1.00/lb) it is the best per volume cleanest and most importantly quiet. Glass is kinda trash. Bring it to a recycling center the next day but make sure to find one that you do not need to take the tops of your plastic bottles as this will save you massive amounts of time. Sort at the recycling center and you get cash instantly.

that same day you can deposit cash into bank then do e-check on to stars which is instant.

I can fill a costco bag in about 20-30 minutes and each bag is worth +/- $15 dollars depending on the aluminum to plastic ratio.

so in good areas i pull $30 an hour doing this.

I used to work at starbucks and make more in 2.5 hours doing this than i did at the coffee shop working a full eight hour shift.

if you are struggling this shit is no joke. I did it tonight and i don't even need to anymore i just literally enjoy it. scooped a quick $75 dollar load went out at 12:30 got back at 3:30 and now its 4:19 and im about to go to bed. good luck.

main issue is mexican competition (at least here in california) there are full blown teams doing this professionally


traxamillion   United States. Aug 18 2010 07:24. Posts 10428

i'd also recommend getting a box of nitrile gloves and wearing long sleeves


Royal_Rumble   Germany. Aug 18 2010 07:32. Posts 1760

Good Luck getting a better life but doing a 9 to 5 job can be quite hard, especially if you are not used to working like you. Keep in mind that you cannot quit if you have headaches or just don't feel like working.
Did you try conventional painkillers like Aspirin or Ibuprofen? Might be better than smoking weed constantly, which can mess your head up.

money won is twice as sweet as money earned.  

WastedGate   United States. Aug 18 2010 07:47. Posts 667

Trax that is such a sick idea.

wait wha? 

Funktion   Australia. Aug 18 2010 07:56. Posts 1638


  On August 18 2010 06:22 traxamillion wrote:
yo when ppl put out recycling in your area go out and hit that shit. get the 45 gallon garbage bags from costco. park in the area (preferably well off / rich areas) were ppl have put out recycling for the next day at night preferably after midnight. just cruise through the area quietly in decent patterns to get you back to your car and stash full bags along the way. pick up bags when you get back to car. gather aluminum ($1.90/lb) and CRV plastic only ($.9-$1.00/lb) it is the best per volume cleanest and most importantly quiet. Glass is kinda trash. Bring it to a recycling center the next day but make sure to find one that you do not need to take the tops of your plastic bottles as this will save you massive amounts of time. Sort at the recycling center and you get cash instantly.

that same day you can deposit cash into bank then do e-check on to stars which is instant.

I can fill a costco bag in about 20-30 minutes and each bag is worth +/- $15 dollars depending on the aluminum to plastic ratio.

so in good areas i pull $30 an hour doing this.

I used to work at starbucks and make more in 2.5 hours doing this than i did at the coffee shop working a full eight hour shift.

if you are struggling this shit is no joke. I did it tonight and i don't even need to anymore i just literally enjoy it. scooped a quick $75 dollar load went out at 12:30 got back at 3:30 and now its 4:19 and im about to go to bed. good luck.

main issue is mexican competition (at least here in california) there are full blown teams doing this professionally



LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!! Awesome idea to beat the system, great post.


whamm!   Albania. Aug 18 2010 08:20. Posts 11625

yeah i remember those avi vids of you vs bashkir on tao of gaming


NewbSaibot   United States. Aug 18 2010 11:06. Posts 4836

i hate to say it but TLDR seriously... all this shit about migranes and wisdom teeth. I want to hear about you being busto and fucking people over, not about headaches.

listening to edzwoo has made u a nit... *sigh* - Zalfor 

SPEWTARD   Peru. Aug 18 2010 11:14. Posts 4303

tl;dr but gl

Rise and Shine 

noface   United States. Aug 18 2010 13:31. Posts 182

I personally think you did it to keep ejaculating, I understand brother.

i wouldnt touch a cunnis that raszi has stretched out - Illmatic 

AgentIce   . Aug 18 2010 14:05. Posts 28

Cool idea about the cans trax. Funny you mention it, when I was about 6-7 I would go around with a black bag collecting cans off the road. Made about 20$ a bag doing that which was quickly spent on candy and slurpees at the 7/11. Are there some days of the week that are better than others? This a pretty well off area so I'm sure I could find lots of spots to do it.

Re getting a regular job, I'm pretty certain a real job could not possibly be as hard or as stressful as poker. So even if I'm in pain and not thinking too well I could probably still function. I suppose if I found my migraines to be getting worse or something like that I could do something else.

I totally forgot about Tao of Gaming, thanks for bringing back some memories


BigbassDub   . Aug 18 2010 14:38. Posts 87


  On August 18 2010 06:22 traxamillion wrote:
yo when ppl put out recycling in your area go out and hit that shit. get the 45 gallon garbage bags from costco. park in the area (preferably well off / rich areas) were ppl have put out recycling for the next day at night preferably after midnight. just cruise through the area quietly in decent patterns to get you back to your car and stash full bags along the way. pick up bags when you get back to car. gather aluminum ($1.90/lb) and CRV plastic only ($.9-$1.00/lb) it is the best per volume cleanest and most importantly quiet. Glass is kinda trash. Bring it to a recycling center the next day but make sure to find one that you do not need to take the tops of your plastic bottles as this will save you massive amounts of time. Sort at the recycling center and you get cash instantly.

that same day you can deposit cash into bank then do e-check on to stars which is instant.

I can fill a costco bag in about 20-30 minutes and each bag is worth +/- $15 dollars depending on the aluminum to plastic ratio.

so in good areas i pull $30 an hour doing this.

I used to work at starbucks and make more in 2.5 hours doing this than i did at the coffee shop working a full eight hour shift.

if you are struggling this shit is no joke. I did it tonight and i don't even need to anymore i just literally enjoy it. scooped a quick $75 dollar load went out at 12:30 got back at 3:30 and now its 4:19 and im about to go to bed. good luck.

ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLL, funny thing is your serious

main issue is mexican competition (at least here in california) there are full blown teams doing this professionally


Bejamin1   Canada. Aug 18 2010 16:50. Posts 7042

http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2006/12/72265

Just a random article. I doubt it's what's causing your pain but there's a pretty easy way to find out. Kind of interesting.

Sorry dude he Jason Bourned me. -Johnny Drama 

 
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