I woke up early (7am) and did my taxes. I may be getting on the manic side.... Mania in quarantine.... that is bad news... or good news for everyone else perhaps. I have a decent refund supposedly coming to me. If Bernie gets me another $2k I'll be looking pretty good. Just continue to study stuff and talk to people. I'm currently on "The Conquest of Bread" by Kropotkin. Pretty fucking classic if you ask me. Byung-Chul Han has a new book coming out. I kind of want to re-read his stuff. I also want to re-read Mark Fisher. Those 2 guys are my guys. Get up on that shit if you haven't already. "The Burnout Society" by Han and "Capitalist Realism" by Mark Fisher are must reads.
I went to the beach this morning to take a walk and it was CLOSED. The bathrooms were CLOSED too. I really needed to take a pee so I just turned back around but I have all this energy I was going to use for a walk to just sit around doing ????
I don't remember what documentary I was watching but there was a kindergarten in Deutschland that did all the classwork in nature. I want to mix that nature aspect with Montessori principles and start my own kindergarten. I don't want it to be private and expensive but open to anyone in the area with somehow keeping class sizes to the appropriate level. Ideally for vulnerable children. I don't have any Montessori certification or capital at this point but this is something I could focus on.
I have ideas but no followthrough. Would I be good at this? Would I enjoy this?
Now is the time to study and think about what I would really like to do.
My therapist says she thinks my underlying sadness and dissatisfaction will go away if I get the work/productive aspect of my life more figured out. I like what Kropotkin says on the matter but it is not possible TODAY. I would love to work 25 hours a week on something I am passionate about and still have the other hours for leisure and non-bourgeois luxury. That seems just about ideal.
Right now I feel that my big task is getting all the local AA meetings from live meetings to online meetings. I did a meeting last night on Zoom and it worked out pretty well.
Other than that it's go for walks, stay inside, study. Now is the time for change. We have learned a lot about capitalism in a short time in this situation.
I'm bored and a little stir crazy. My mom and dad don't want to go on a walk yet.
I'm figuring out what to read next. I may just read "Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative" again.
I wonder if I will ever find a job that isn't "hectic." That I can linger contemplatively. Do this for 5 hours a day or so and then move on to other things. Avoid late-modern achievement society. I really don't want hectic work. Some people will cry that a flow state makes life worthwhile but constantly trying to improve oneself imposed by oneself is a recipe for burnout, depression, et al. When the rush comes I forget myself but what stops me from wanting to get better, faster, stronger? Where are the limits? I'd rather be sitting at my table bored and able to contemplate for a little while. Slow moving, calm. Why is everyone working so hard? It's an illusion. It's a trap. It's an addiction. Let us work 5 hours a day growing food. What does man need? What will satisfy these needs? Let us produce these needs and not waste human energy. So many bullshit jobs. We can see it now clearer than ever. Reform. Revolution. The time is now.
Here is a little gem for you all:
In these times. IN THESE TIMES.
My cat Sebastian is my best friend.
Zoom is a pretty good platform for meetups. No complaints. It works pretty well. It's kind of weird being transplanted back into Pittsburgh but it's good seeing everyone.
On March 22 2020 16:47 Santafairy wrote:
well i was going to complain about my life endlessly in replies to my own blog but i thought fuck it i know what i need to do let's just do it
On March 22 2020 17:06 PoorUser wrote:
all my classes got moved online so im still keeping busy. mostly reading and playing a small amount of overwatch/hs battlegrounds
Nice. I should probably take up video games. Or go back to school. More on this later.
Stimmung is atmosphere (mood) in Deutsch. Such a cool word. I am re-reading Byung-Chul Han "Pschychopolitcs: Neoliberalism and New Technologies of Power." I am also taking the Yale Coursera course on Well-Being. One thing that stands out from the Yale course so far is that "awesome stuff" not only doesn't effect happiness but seeking "awesome stuff has a negative effect." Good job. Nope. Money. Nope. Perfect body. Nope. True love. Nope. I thought I knew these things but I have fallen under the spell that some of these things would make me happy. I think that even in these times I fall prey to being an "entrepreneur of the self." Trying to be a limitless optimization project. For why? There are always limits. I was talking to Drone that I should read some fiction and take a nap. Why not play some video games? I am taking myself too seriously. Where is the oddball levity that is needed to get through these times? It just feels like I have the chance to elude capitalism to a point and I am trying to make the most of it. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I don't particularly like being quarantined but it is better than the way things were. I want to come out of this with things being better than the way they were.
But again I have too many interests and I lack focus. When reading Byung-Chul Han I dream of going to Berlin to study under him at the Berlin School of Arts.
There has got to be something for me out there more useful than being a valet at a hotel. I have found through volunteer work that there is but volunteer work doesn't get me bread in the near future.
So, I sit. I think. I contemplate. I linger. Some may say this is a sickness. I don't know any other way of living.
5 things I am grateful for:
- my family
- my friends
- Byung-Chul Han
- Mark Fisher
- Yale course on Well-Being
That is my homework for this week. To savor experiences and to write a gratitude list every day. i always think these things are kind of bullshit but I will do it because it takes less than 5 min and why not?
And I don't think a women can fill the hole inside of me. Unless she is wearing a dildo and I feel like getting pegged. Then maaayyyybbbeeee maaayyybbeeee. Neither can a job. Money. Perfect body. Any of these things. Well, money they said up to $75k and you don't see much increase in happiness after that. This isn't new we've been over this before. I could use some more money but other than that I it seems like I just need this course to tell me what will actually make me happy. It may really be just that simple.
Ahhhh, but the magic of a kiss. How alluring.
What motivates us to do anything?
I think I am just like a cat who plays with shiny toys.
Asking me to focus on one thing is a tall order. What if psychiatry and therapy is all a hoax?
I love these German music producers though. Stimming, Apparat, Moderat, Modeselector, Booka Shade, and now I'm forgetting. I could really see myself living in Berlin studying philosophy or rather interdisciplinary cultural theory. My German would have to improve but it would surely improve under those circumstances. I gotta do SOMETHING. I think I am getting a little stir crazy again.
Just finished "Psychopolitics: Neoliberalism and the New Technologies of Power." 5 stars. Do I have the balls to drop everything (which admittedly isn't much) and go nach Deutschland to follow my dreams? Will Germany even allow me to do that? Byung-Chul Han did that. He was a metallurgy major in South Korea and was like fuck this I'm following my dreams. Surely, he would respect such a daring play. Or the option is find some interdisciplinary cultural theory education in the USA. LOL. Yeah right. What would I even DO with that education besides be a well informed unemployed person? I need my bread. So, it's looking like the same ole same ole. Degrade myself for tips and read books. Proletariat autodidact. And Food Not Bombs grows to bigger and bigger things yet Covid-19 is putting a halt to that progression. My social connections are through text messages, telephone, and Zoom. I crave more. God, I could use a hug right now. A pat on the back. Real eye contact and smiles and laughs. It's almost as if I am toiling away on here and that's not what it should be. This should be for .... I don't know. Sometimes I want to be a solitary idiot but that doesn't actually relieve me of my problems. Idiot more in line with heretic. The herd may think I am a stupid person but I would rather kill myself than be informed by the herd or networked with the herd. Such is life. Then it is the biggest joke that I am subjected to take these peoples' money in order to procure bread. But in talking with these people they are just in life as well. They are just doing what they think to be wise choices. I can't hate the herd for being the herd. The bourgeois herd and their bourgeois THINGS. Always unhappy and seeking. I am unhappy and seeking. But I do not seek THINGS. If I really sat around and thought about it I probably already have everything I need. The overthrow of neoliberal capitalism is a pretty tall order. I as just a solitary idiot... what can I do? I CAN SHOUT! HEY EVERYONE, THE SYSTEM IS EXPLOITING YOU. YOU ARE EXPLOITING YOURSELVES. FOR WHY?
Do you make $75k a year? Do you want more? Why?
I made $18,829.02 last year. Last year wasn't so bad. Of course the medical bills kind of crushed me. That's part of the strategy. Put me in debt and make me feel guilty. I don't feel guilty though. Fuck the system. Fuck the herd. I had bread. I had shelter. I had clothing. Yeah, I live with my parents. So, fucking what. Fuck you. I had time for LUXURY. Reading, painting, going for walks. Writing these very blog posts that I am still unsure of the value of. Probably much better to be silent then share for all of the digital panopticon to see. I just hope I am in the right corner of the interwebz. Fuck facebook. Fuck instagram. Fuck twitter. Fuck it all to hell. But there is just a place in my heart for LP. <3 For better or for worse.
Ok. Time for my daily walk where I can feel the breeze and breathe a little bit.
What will the pace of the future be? The age of the pilgrimage and of marching are definitely over. Will the human being, after a short period of whizzing, return to the earth as a walker. Or will the human being leave behind the weightiness of the earth and of work altogether, and discover the lightness of hovering, of a hovering wandering with leisure, in other words, the scent of hovering time?
- Byung-Chul Han "The Scent of Time"
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Mar 24 2020 00:44. Posts 5296
elite academics and their flowery language.
I'm staying at home, university is in lock down. I have the flu
One of 3 non decent human beings on a site of 5 people with between 2-3 decent human beings
I don't know Stroggoz well enough to know if academia suits him but certainly being involved with Political Economy in some way makes me happy.
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Stroggoz New Zealand. Mar 24 2020 03:28. Posts 5296
I got a love/hate relationship with universities. The education system sucks man! it is one big scam, student debt and corporate beuracracy with their comically socially retarded marketing, and employing people to be diversity coaches to justify their salary. Exploiting grad students with poverty wages. It is a special kind of torture. On the other hand it is a place where you have relative freedom...
I myself am not cut out for academia. Maaayyyybbbbeeee maaaaayyybbbbbeee if I was studying under Byung-Chul Han but I should cut that dream off and focus on something else. I think the most realistic is starting my own non-profit honestly but first I will need to learn how to do that. My sister works at a non-profit actually. She called my mom today crying that the non-profit may have to fire her and shut down after all the hard work she has put in. Non-profits are like the perhaps kinder, gentler sisters of for-profits but this is still capitalism we live in.
Fuck man. I'm just lingering. I wanted to find a nice calm and relaxing high. Ich mochte ein gut Stimmung. I am just lingering until this Zoom meeting gets going. A handful of people say I need to check it out. Charleston AA LOL. They are just trying to look out for me. My natural state is self-isolation. I have found myself quite comfortable this past week.
Slow moving, calm. Lack of haste, franticness, restlessness, nervousness. Let us hover in luxury. Not Benzes and Hennessy. Although I love me some Hennessy. Drink a bottle of Hennessy and crash a Benz. I am able to just sit here and listen to music and think about things. That is a luxury. I am not tired, I am not undead from all the toiling. I am fucking good man. This is how we should feel all the time. I'm ready.
On March 24 2020 02:28 Stroggoz wrote:
I got a love/hate relationship with universities. The education system sucks man! it is one big scam, student debt and corporate beuracracy with their comically socially retarded marketing, and employing people to be diversity coaches to justify their salary. Exploiting grad students with poverty wages. It is a special kind of torture. On the other hand it is a place where you have relative freedom...
Yes, indeed. I am likely proletariat autodidact until I die but I definitely miss the motivated professors and motivated socratic roundtable discussions. Writing a paper with something on the line and getting good feedback. I applaud people who can make it to the other side.
"“We are learning how to write the music,” one scientist said, “and then we let the music make them dance.”
This new power “to make them dance” does not employ soldiers to threaten terror and murder. It arrives carrying a cappuccino, not a gun. It is a new “instrumentarian” power that works its will through the medium of ubiquitous digital instrumentation to manipulate subliminal cues, psychologically target communications, impose default choice architectures, trigger social comparison dynamics and levy rewards and punishments — all of it aimed at remotely tuning, herding and modifying human behavior in the direction of profitable outcomes and always engineered to preserve users’ ignorance."
I usually tend to stay away from NYT but I enjoyed this article. A good subsidiary or rather complement to Byung-Chul Han's writing on the subject. It's frightening what people can do with this data now a days and what facebook has already done. I am thankful I have been off facebook for like 4 years now? Unfortunately, I am way too addicted and habituated to Google to quit. It feels like the knowledge is endless and beneficial but the knowledge they receive is likely more damaging. Thanks for the article.
United States. Mar 20 2020 15:42. Posts 8533
