So, I am on one of those searches for an elusive feeling I am not even sure I know what I am looking for. Just something different. I shaved my beard off yesterday and had to deal with all the responses today. I think most people thought I looked weird. One girl in particular who is rather honest said I shouldn't have shaved my beard and that I don't look good shaven and that now I look chubby and I didn't before. She said I should have just trimmed it. Along with some other stress and frustrations I was looking to escape. One of my tried and true is pornography obviously. When I really need it I tend to go for the JOI variety. That left me a little calmer but then I was fucking hungry. Eat the pain away. We have chips and pico de gallo! I obviously ate it all. All of it. It is all digesting in my stomach as we speak. Then I see we have a mango! Devoured. So fucking good. Then I thought. "Hey, I always seem to turn it around a little bit writing a blog on LP." I guess it is sort of a coping device for reality. I try to get down to the depths of reality while at the same time I am escaping it in a way. I could be looking at other avenues of employment. I get ghosted like 85% of the time on tinder when I mention I am a prep cook (at a chain restaurant). Yet, I go back there every day doing the same damn shit and I come home and do more or less the same damn shit. But then I find something like this:
Then I am off on this rush with Tove Lo. Listening to music, watching interviews. I love her songwriting and she gets what it is like to be an addict or just someone that loves the rushes and adventures of life. I feel like I am nearing the end of that rush like the lights have gone out and it is just me alone in my room with my computer a little lost and confused.
A little lost and confused with my obsessions and struggles. The buddhist teacher would say to meditate but I have never been one to just sit and meditate outside of a daily practice. Now is a great time to start isn't it? And I say fuck that. I want to do ecstasy with Tove Lo at Coachella, smoke some dank weed, and get lost in each other and our pleasures. Craving, suffering, I got it. Yup. I can just let the cravings pass. The anguish pass. Almost to the point of being free of craving and anguish. Sometimes I rather indulge in all of it. Get lost in memories and fantasies. Eat an entire pint of ice cream. Sneak into the bathroom with my phone and my pornhub. Junk food. Junk values. How do we rise above?
In other Swedish pop star news: Avicii killed himself. Cut himself with broken glass and bled to death. Honestly, I have been there before. I really related to Avicii and his story. I remember LOVING his song "Alcoholic" even before I realized I was actually an alcoholic. Man, I was on Avicii early before he even had any of his own songs. Back when he was MURDERING it in clubs around the world. He put together some of the best hours I have ever experienced. I have been where Avicii was. I just decided to burn myself instead of cut myself. It hits close to home because that is probably how I will end up going if I ever started drinking again. Especially now that is in my mind it is almost a fucked up romanticized view of it. What a fitting death for alcoholic me. Slitting my wrist with a broken Jack Daniels bottle. It also shows one can seemingly have it all and be so discontented with life that they end it. It actually makes me really sad. Avicii is one of those stars that I felt a kinship and if he can't get out of this thing without killing himself what hope do I have? I just keep on trucking. That's all I can do.
I had an old ipod with just a crazy selection of Avicii's best sets caught on tape. Unfortunately, it died and all of those will be gone for forever (as far as I know). I have this in my mind that there was one from like 2010 at Glow in Washington D.C. that was off the charts but everything he was doing at that time was crazy.
I dug this up:
I think there was definitely some better stuff from small'ish clubs around this time but if you like EDM this is killing it. Makes me forget I am just a meaningless organism living in a meaningless world for a while at least. But, how do I make this existence BETTER!?!?!? If I shave I can better go down on women. If I buy the chelsea boots and the leather jacket and the watch and we go to the cool lounge and what do I order? Oh, god what do I order? I can't order a san pelligrino because I got ghosted when I suggested that with a random tinder chick. Same with cappucino. But, fuck it, maybe I just want to lounge in a lounge and drink some sparkling water. Fuck it. Maybe I don't even want to go to a lounge. I don't want to dress up in the lounge outfit. Black armani shirt with black jeans and black chelsea boots. See, I already have chelsea boots just not tan ones that I want. I also want charcoal and maybe something a bit out there like magenta in suede. Magenta suede chelsea boots would surely get me laid no? Oh, there is more to it than that. Like not being a prep cook at a chain restaurant and living with my parents at 34.
The actors in Hollywood tell me to eat chicken, rice, and steamed vegetables all day and train a few hours a day and I can look like a superhero. ORLY? That's it? You don't say.
It is kind of crazy that this guy who seemingly had it all and also was quite useful ended it so abruptly. Listening to this mix led to so many great workouts and more fun car rides. On another tangent it's like I am detached and don't care at all. Like a fly that hit the windshield. I want to know more about the circumstances. Was he drinking? Was he trying to get sober at any point? Were there other drugs involved?
Oh well. I don't know if I have any answers. I am just writing to escape like I said earlier. Cope with life. Sometimes it is so easy, happy, and carefree and sometimes it just seems like a chore, no fire, the candle is at a low flicker, and full of anxiety and confusion and fogginess. All I can do is my best or good enough. Keep stepping forward. I am here, now. So, what does that mean? I need to fuck around with some paint. Maybe start sketching tattoos. Now, there's an idea. Reality is too harsh for me sometimes. That is just a fact. I need ways to escape that aren't too damaging and don't put me in a constant suffering/craving/anesthetize loop.
So, I just watched "Carmina Burana" to ballet and it was fucking brilliant. Between the Lebanese coffee and the show I am like pumped up. Oh man, "O Fortuna" is like overwhelming and there was a piece after the fall where there is a learned balance between the pitfalls of earthly pleasures and awareness that was so blissful. I had tears steaming down my face. The costumes were incredible as well as the lighting. You can't ignore the beauty and grace in the dancers. Such remarkable symmetry. But what do I want? I want to fuck a bad bitch like Kleio Valentine (NSFW).
Tinder and Snapchat is the new Liquidpoker and r/gonewild for me. It's just different things substituted. I smell some pussy and I am planning on which chelsea boots to buy, which leather jacket to buy, my next tattoo while forgetting I still live at home with my parents and have dental bills and yada yada yada. I have a date with a girl that we'll find out what she is actually going to look like when she shows up. She is pretty cool though so I figure we'll give it a shot. I have to get some more/(better) pics up on tinder. I would like a nice influx of matches always coming in. I don't want to get tinder plus until I have a better profile and some more experience under my belt. You see this? All the plans and fantasies. I'm a fucking maniac. I really should sit and breathe more. So, many people fucking say that. I guess I am a little restless at the moment. I want so bad to win at life and I have too many plans and fantasies and I don't even know what my priorities are. I know my first priority is I really can't drink alcohol or do drugs. Shit is fucked if I do. I think renunciation of the material is such a tricky one. It is like people in overeaters anonymous. A little different because I absolutely need to eat to survive but do I really need to go to the lengths of buddhist monk and completely abstain from the material? The other end is broke me in dope outfits.
So, I RSVP'd to my friend's wedding and tried on my suit. It's tight! Tight as in too tight and barely fits. So, I think it is time to burn some fat. I am not quite where I would like to be in the muscle aspect but I think it is more important to burn fat at this point. That means less food and more cardio.
Some topics in here for sure. I just needed to get some stuff out of my brain. What do I really want? AA tells me peace and serenity. I think that is about right.
Been awhile... actually I couldnt connect to LP.net for like the last 6 months, not sure why site would just time out. Was randomly clicking bookmarks today and it opened up!
So much has happened... for starters, my pretty little cheapo Saab blew up on me Coolant jug sprung a leak and before I knew it my temp gauge was red lining while driving home. Pulled over, popped the hood and some hose blew off and started spraying boiling coolant everywhere. Luckily my training kicked in and I was able to do an aerial split tsukahara flyaway and didnt get any on me. But I was told I blew a head gasket and warped the cylinder heads. Estimate to fix? $4000. So much for my piddling little poker bankroll I was growing. And my checking account. And my savings. Any literally every last dime I had to my name.
Since the repairs were more than the car was worth I junked it and got a loan for a newer car that is certainly more reliable and one in which any repair shop can work on. I bought a 2013 Nissan Altima. 67k miles and seems to be in great condition, only downside is that due to declaring bankruptcy last year I got stiffed with a 16% APR loan lol. But I really had no choice, because no car = no job.
Which brings us around full circle, because I finally quit my job! How did I quit my job with no poker bankroll, no income at all to speak of, and a car loan on top? Easy, by just giving up on life! You can do it too! In reality I put my last $500 on to ignition and decided I was going to move home where I could sleep on my mom's couch and live rent free for a bit until I got a job again. I quit my current job because it was making me borderline suicidal. I hated it so much. I worked IT for a collection agency which has to be one of the most subhuman morally reprehensible industries on earth. While I wasnt doing the thieving, just working there made me so ashamed. What a fucking trash company that was. And after my 1 year anniversary and numerous discussions about a raise and promotion, coupled with completing the most important project our team was tasked with in the last 5 years, I get passed over with a "ok so we're gonna put you on a review period for this promotion, unpaid of course to see if you can handle it, and then reconvene next quarter". I walked out of the meeting, gathered my personal belongings, left the office and never came back. I just cant bring myself to get horse fucked that badly. Call it pride or whatever, but I have a few principles in me and running the entire desktop support team by myself, overworked, no overtime (just told to take long lunch breaks to make up for it) and meeting all objectives just to be given the endless runaround? No sir, fuck you. FUUUUUUCK YOU. I fucking hope it stung them as bad as they did me leaving the dept in shambles and forcing them to miss all their deadlines for the next big software upgrade cycle since I was the only one who knew how to assemble the packages.
Anyyyyyyyway... so this new girl I was seeing at the time invited me to come stay with her rather than move out of state, and in that time I've been grinding my online roll using hilariously bad bankroll management up to 3k playing NL200 now. This means I can actually pay my bills. I'm pretty sure Ive been running hot but hey we all deserve a little rungood sometimes dont we? I actually do NOT intend to move up any higher since my goal now is just self-sustainability, and NL200 seems to offer that. I can afford my car payment, my tiny bit of gas since i dont drive anywhere, and food in my belly. All things considered thats all I need right now. If and when I grind up to 10k or something I may or may not start playing live again, namely because I am really enjoying the freedom and lack of expenses associated with playing online. I'd probably rather grind NL200 online than 2/5 live. Those tips/food/gas/accommodations really take a bite out of your earnings.
Death is certain. The timing of it is uncertain. Impermanence abounds. Even stars die on a long enough time line. We get to the meagerest of triple digits if we are lucky and/or extremely prudent with our health. I am all about making the most of this time on Earth but I still struggle with it. Anguish and suffering. On one hand it is cool to sit and be with the breath on another hand I just did my taxes and I only made $10,000 this year. I know I am on this journey. I don't know if I would call it spiritual. Renunciation of material goods and junk values. But, not many want to date a broke prep cook living with his parents. Maybe I want to date a little bit and have some fun with the fairer sex. Maybe I should just go on meditation retreats to pick up. But, I don't really want to go on meditation retreats.
I am not THAT into buddhism. But, it would be nice to pick up a chick that is a little bit buddhist. Or not. I got some things developing on tinder which is cool. We will see how that goes. Tinder would be infinitely easier if I was in my 20s and fun drinking all the time and adventuring. BUT I'M NOT IN MY 2Os AND I DON'T DRINK. REALITY. DEAL WITH IT.
I kind of came to the conclusion today that my priorities are kind of skewed. Like I am this broke guy carrying too much body fat doing deadlifts. If I want to be more attractive I would be making money and lowering body fat %. But, you know what? Fuck it. I like eating burgers and fries and ice cream. I don't have to have a 6 pack like Tyson Beckford, Brad Pitt, or Matthew McConnaghey.
I should be lifting for me but honestly really? I mean I enjoy it but... but what? I really just want to slide my dick into a wet vagina. I mean that isn't all. I prefer that she be cool or hot or preferably both. There is this woman named Patti Stenger who was on this show I used to watch "Millionaire Mathmaker." She would always say the penis does the picking. I think that is part of the brilliance of tinder in that I know pretty quick if I am attracted to someone. Is this some archaic form of picking? Is it barbaric that I am not reading biographies or not giving many big girls a shot? I will swipe right on a single mom if she is attractive enough, an occasional big girl if she really is "curvy" or "thick," and older women rarely. In a way I am judging the big girls for not being in shape which is valued in society just as wealth and status are valued in society for men. I am the big girl and the single mom on there. Broke dude with shit job is the big girl and single mom of tinder. Not drinking indicates fucking weirdo bore but I can overcome the bore part and I am a bit of a weirdo.
Improve your poker skills by teaching me!by Nitewin, April 12
I used to be a winning reg but quit since black friday. I'm looking to learn the "solver" and how people are thinking of poker these days. The goal is to move to vegas or travel around to win a little playing live, for fun. Teaching is the best way to learn and solidify what you think you know, so teach me! : )
So today
I was plying too many tables, 6 I think (usually I play 3-4) already feeling anxious and then finallty I hit a set multiway
Get it all-in, 88 vs 66 on 86X all happy as he shows 66
But then on the river...King
And he flips over...Kings somehow even though he's already shown 66, and I lose just feeling shitty, day's ruined, how can this happen https://media.giphy.com/media/1WUjIfTTaqHK0/giphy.gif
It all felt completely real, but then . . .I woke up
It took me a while to realize it actually didn't happen, the feelings were so real!
This site gave me a lot, and i will never forget all the support.
It's time for a stable job at last, Luckily I don't have to go too far.
Recently I've climbed all the way up to Ancient[2]in Dota so will give my shot streaming and grinding the MMR, and surely become a pro within months when I stop putting so much futile effort into microstakes poker, and I will have a steady profession at last that society respects.
Thank you, and best of luck in whatever you do, this is my goodbye.
I don't know. I felt like writing a journal. Figured I would do it on here. If I get comments great. If not then at least I spent some time writing some things out.
I was doing some spring cleaning and found a garbage bag full of what was my sock drawer. I had an excessive amount of condoms in there. I think I bought so many because I got a good deal but also because I thought that was going to be my life when I moved near Chicago. Well, they were sitting in that bag expired before I threw them all away. My clothes too were different. I definitely didn't have it figured out. Will I ever have it figured out? Is all we can hope for is to be present in meditation? I mean I am sitting here writing this blog. I am grasping. I am gasping. Yet, I feel comfortable.
Masturbating and eating too much are probably my biggest vices at this point. That isn't so bad. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks when calling people on the phone. That's weird I don't know where that came from. Similarly, I get anxiety attacks sometimes maybe all of the time when reading in a recovery meeting or if I am going to share. It's just weird and it's frustrating and it's tiresome.
Sometimes going online offers some relief but most of the time it is just nothing. I go to LP and there is almost always nothing nowadays. I go to facebook which I regret getting back on and it is just the same old stuff. Nothing substantial whatsoever. In fact, I am going to deactivate now. Deactivated. Then I go to reddit r/gonewild and just scroll through. Just scroll on through. I don't even masturbate I just scroll. Then sometimes I go to pornhub and just watch clips. Then sometime I masturbate. That pretty much sums up my activities online. When I am in the grips of that cycle if I go through that cycle and get bored with it at some point I am in complete existential despair. I mean not really but it is like the circuitry in my brain can't handle it. I need some type of stimulus. It's basically just what I do when I get home from work. I sit down and get hooked. Then after I eat a meal or something I have to let the food digest a bit before I can lie down and read a book.
And, I am sitting here writing a blog instead of going to an AA meeting and sort of complaining about the whole thing. I have to do something if I don't go to a recovery meeting. Oh man, we have definitely been through this before. I feel like I am growing as a person and figuring some things out but my life can sometimes seem like some vicious loop cycle. It's like one has to figure things out and get ahead of the curve in certain areas. When I got ahead of the curve in poker that was good but I fell behind the curve in other areas that were important. Or, I am just being me. If I am being honest there are just sometimes I'd rather just chill on the internet and read a book than go out with people I don't know too well. What I would really like to do is get really really high and watch some Planet Earth. That's the truth and that's a problem for an addict like me.
Oh well, tomorrow I can deadlift. Everything is right in the world when I am deadlifting. I think my food has digested enough to start reading. Until next time.
I feel like things are not that good? I mean I continue to write blog posts that few will read and almost none comment on. I mean that is a small part of my life but I think it takes power from me. I really think being on facebook is disempowering as well. It's just bullshit I don't need. Who to add, who to not add. I haven't seen any events that I am missing out on yet either. The most de-energizing is to get caught just scrolling through my feed like a mindless zombie just not even entertained or really just pissed off I got hooked. Fuck it. I'll use it as email and patiently wait for all these events I'm supposedly missing out on.
What I need to be doing is crushing it at work and then get over to the Charleston Tibetan Center to do some meditation under the guidance of a Buddhist teacher and then grab some dinner with a friend at a bomb ass diner.
Blogging kind of feels like a junk activity. I will probably still do it just because I am hooked but right now I am not happy about it. So, I will stop.
I turned 34 today. I have celebrated by going to a therapist appointment, picking up my car in the shop, paying a $600 car bill, and then coming home to have some lunch and then finally to have a wank to r/gonewild. I think it's more interesting just to look at and observe. I feel a similar feeling to when I eat a fast food burger and fries with a huge sweet tea. Which I haven't done in two months which is pretty good. So, I am still trying to get outside myself and looking for instant gratification. I really want to do shroom therapy. I wish that was more of a thing.
So, my relationship with AA and the people in AA seems like a tenuous one. My therapist recommended that I go to different recovery like something called Refuge Recovery. She also suggested that I volunteer in something I am passionate about. The first thing that came out of my mouth was homeless people and addicts. I think that is probably true. Why not attempt to help some of the people that have been beaten down and battered by the system? Does anyone on here volunteer? I would be interested in the possibilities.
I ate so much chocolate cake last night it feels like I gained 5 lbs. I wouldn't say my campaign to drop some body fat is hopeless but it certainly could be going better. Also, when I went for a run I acquired hideous shin splints and had to stop running at about 2 miles in. On the bright side the cardio wasn't an issue so that is good. I was running pretty slow though. Hopefully, the shin splints subside but I am not sure why they would unless I change something.
I don't get controlled or dominated at work so that is good. A part of me longs for more meaningful work though. I know we probably don't want to go down this road as we have been already it's just something that came to my mind and something I have to remedy. Volunteering could potentially help with this problem. I still need something that is going to cover rent, food, car expenses, dental work, etc etc etc. I was really doing pretty well until I ran over a nail and went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. I had first and last month's rent with a security deposit but my current income just can't cover it. I guess I just have to accept that and put in the work to likely improve the situation or don't and continue to live with my parents. We have almost certainly been through this before. How does it feel to be 34 and living with my parents? If I remove the ego it really isn't that bad.
Connecting with people sounds so easy on paper but it is actually pretty damn difficult to do.
Do I have hope in my future? I really don't know. I think I might be getting a little depressed and I have been dealing with anxiety. It fucking sucks. Life is hard sometimes.
Wow, what an uplifting birthday post.
I am at a turning point. I am stuck in Charleston, SC. I do not have the funds to move somewhere anytime soon. So, I make the best of it and attempt to make it home or at least an understanding that it is a base and I need the training here. Or, I just drift miserably through life as if this place is a prison or purgatory. The hardest part about depression and anxiety is that it hinders connection. Connection is the last fucking thing you want to do but reconnecting in certain areas are the only anti-depressants that actually work.
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