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RiKD    United States. Jun 11 2018 01:25. Posts 8445
I feel that I should write this to see if it works. I am still a little amped up after my job interview today.

I have been anxious about it mildly. This morning I passed the time and woke up like I always do with some Monster Energy Drinks and LP. There were no aesthetic concerns in the gym whatsoever today. Oh, by the way, sorry Loco, I was on Tinder and a girl had Avicii "True" on her album list or whatever it is and I thought to myself "was that album as shitty as I remember?" so I listened to "True" and it was as shitty as I remembered but then I felt bad because I think Avicii killed himself because he wanted to be a true musician but was not BUT he was incredible at curating music. That was his talent. He was making a new album which probably sucked and he knew it and he would rather kill himself than go on tour as a DJ. Of course, there is depression and alcoholism involved in that story too but I always felt like Avicii was my brother. Anyways, that may have gotten rather long winded but the point is I listened to Avicii's INSPIRATION mix on Spotify instead of Dead Congregation this morning for my lifting session.

So, yeah, no aesthetic concerns today I was going full throttle. My goal was to expend as much energy as possible over the course of training. I got that lovely rush of feel good chemicals and that sweaty, tired but energized haze. I love that. I got some post workout nutrition and then started looking at the sweet shop's webpage. Then I decided to read some "Infinite Jest." Then I got lost in "infinite Jest." Thankfully I set an alarm clock or I would have just kept on reading. I've been watching some of his (David Foster Wallace) interviews on YouTube and I love this guy. Truly love this guy. I love the way he reacts to stupid questions. I love his facial ticks when he is self-conscious about the answer he just gave. I love what he has to say. I love what he has to write. A truly beautiful human being.

Ok. So, now I am snapped back to reality that I have a job interview in a little bit. The anxiety starts to sink in. I was actually pretty nervous on the ride down. Then there is crazy beach traffic as it started to rain and everyone is trying to leave. I still get there at a reasonable time. I am feeling ok actually. The General Manager is late so now I have to sit and be tortured for who knows how long. A friendly woman gets me some water. My hand is shaking as I drink the water. Some mixture of nerves, anxiety, and perhaps my lithium levels being too high but my lithium seems to exacerbate any adrenaline, anxiety, caffeine, etc. anyways with hand tremors even at a normal level. I decide to just start texting anyone I can. I am actually quite funny when I am in that mode. Finally, the GM says hi and shakes my hand. I'm surprisingly not that nervous or anxious. Just a good amount. Maybe I was too intense. But, I can be an intense person. Oh, I have to tell you this. What felt right to me at the time was what I wear pretty much every day. Black t-shirt, flowery linen shorts, and sandals. I figure if they don't like me so be it. I thought the interview went ok. The GM loves Argentina too so we started off on a good chat about that. He made a positive comment about my sandals being Havainas. I applied to work in the sweet shop. Basically serving ice cream to people. I figure it's something to do and I can learn about how a shop like that runs. My sister and brother-in-law are thinking about opening up a coffee shop and I thought it would be awesome to help them do that but I want experience so there I was at the interview and it turns out they need someone in the kitchen. It sounds like they need people bad in the kitchen and I am like fuck. It's funny because the restaurant portion is actually one of the best restaurants in the city. If I was looking to be a chef this would be a dream but I am not looking to be a chef and I am not sure I can stomach being in a kitchen again. Fuck. So, now I am interviewing with the Sous Chef and he is a cool guy. Oh, also I told them that I only want to work 30 hours a week and they are kind of scratching their heads. That is the minimum hours for benefits and he kind of gives me this speech that they are looking for serious people that take this seriously for 40-50 hours a week and I was like I don't know what to tell you I'd like to see what it's like first and ideally be cross trained on different things. There was a lot we talked about. Then we talked about our love of coastal Maine and then we said our goodbyes and I was free to walk to my car and get the hell out of there.

I was amped. Really amped. Fuck. I don't know what to do. I talked to my parents. They both think I should take whatever job they offer me and maneuver to other jobs once I'm in. That seems reasonable. Fuck. I don't know what to do. Let's get some fresh air and go to the beach and give the dog a walk. I was like totally in myself. Contemplating everything. Fuck. I don't know what to do. So, here I am now writing and I am feeling better. I still don't really know what to do. "But, you just wanted to chill out and help run a small sweet shop." "You're a misfit. Misfits are made for the kitchen. It's more money. The Sous Chef was cool. Think of what it would be like working under those chefs at one of the best restaurants in the city." Fuck. I don't know what to do. He's going to call in a couple of days. What the hell do I say?

You know the one thing about today is I am pretty sure I was completely honest about what I felt at the time. So, really, I should feel pretty good.

Life was the fucking WORST sitting there driving into the shop late and then having to sit in there and wait for 30 min. Fucking agony. I think only people with anxiety know what I am talking about. I mean most people have anxiety but I am still sitting there wondering if the panic attack is going to go off. It's not like I ever known when. I mean I know the warning signs but it can hit me like a strike of lightning. I think it might be confined to AA which it still feels like my life is terrible and why do I have to go through this but I'll take today. I'll take it.

I think it was good that I was honest and held my ground on some points. I'm not putting up with manipulation. He basically said working part time is high school, childish shit and for teenagers. I would rather work 30 hours a week than 40 hours a week right now. The negotiations were a little weird to be honest. Actually, a lot of the interview was a little weird to be honest. I am a bit of an oddball. He's trying to fill a 40-50 hour/wk prep cook job and I am being difficult. It's mostly because I don't know what I want to do. I think I have some leverage because I'm willing to walk if I don't get what I want. The problem is I don't know what I want. They have leverage because I don't have any other offers on the table at the moment which they know because I told them the truth and they are one of the best restaurants in the city BUT they may have an inkling that I'm a crazy fuck and will throw it all away and I don't actually care that they are one of the best restaurants in the city because I don't have any aspirations of becoming a chef. That's not entirely true. I've never been a line cook or a junior Sous Chef. That kind of gets me interested at this calibre restaurant. We are back at this. It would be amazing for my resume if I wanted to be a chef but I don't want to be a chef but culinary arts is kind of interesting but being a prep cook sucks so what do I fucking do?

All this ruminating and they might like someone more than me. But, he did say he would call in a couple of days so I hope some sort of strategy develops and that I can make the right wager. Which will probably just be me being honest about how I feel at the time. I don't know any other way to live.

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FullBRing   Philippines. Jun 11 2018 06:07. Posts 581

what the fuck men, reading this is so painful. You seriously need to go talk to someone asap. Not being a dick, you just need outside help


dnagardi   Hungary. Jun 11 2018 11:08. Posts 1776

do you take pills to your anxiety? if yes do they work?


CamilaPunt   Brasil. Jun 11 2018 11:22. Posts 2422

Drinking monster energy drinks might be part of your anxiety problem


RiKD    United States. Jun 11 2018 11:51. Posts 8445


  On June 11 2018 05:07 FullBRing wrote:
what the fuck men, reading this is so painful. You seriously need to go talk to someone asap. Not being a dick, you just need outside help



I would agree with you. I called my sponsor after writing this and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today.


RiKD    United States. Jun 11 2018 11:56. Posts 8445


  On June 11 2018 10:08 dnagardi wrote:
do you take pills to your anxiety? if yes do they work?



I am prescribed Ativan as needed but that is tricky as it is a benzo so potentially problematic for an alcoholic like me. It was prescribed for when I go psychotic when I am manic. I have only taken it when I am manic and psychotic to calm that down and one time I woke up in a panic and took one. I don't want to make it a habit of taking it before anything that makes me anxious but it's something I am going to talk about with my psychiatrist.


RiKD    United States. Jun 11 2018 11:57. Posts 8445


  On June 11 2018 10:22 CamilaPunt wrote:
Drinking monster energy drinks might be part of your anxiety problem



True. I normally like to just sip on some coffee but I ran out of coffee and grabbed some Monsters instead.


Loco   Canada. Jun 11 2018 12:53. Posts 20963

Yeah, the whole Monster thing is really terrible. It sounds like you can't function in the morning without caffeine? That's not good.

If you think about anxiety from an evolutionary perspective, we (and other mammals) have always felt anxious for only brief moments. After a few minutes, either it was over with, or you were over with. Either it was fight or flight. But it was almost never freeze unless you were doomed. It was never "I'm stuck in a box, on a road with other boxes, forced to sit". Point being, if the threat is abstract, then the anxiety can last for a very long time, but the solution is probably still the same, it's deeply hard-wired, you have to act and expend energy so your body thinks you have dealt with the threat. Next time it happens and you feel a panic attack coming or it's already there, just go outside or go to a bathroom if you can and run in place until you feel better.

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccount 

Spitfiree   Bulgaria. Jun 11 2018 13:57. Posts 9634

Get off any stimulants in the mornings for a few weeks. I had the same issue and just drank water @ mornings and stress levels dropped quite a bit. I still got back to coffee afterwards cause I really like the taste of it, but at least I'm well aware that I can function properly without stimulants, so you should do it as well and see if you are the one in control, if not just - just drop any stimulants forever, its not like you'll go through an abstinence but the benefits would be tremendous


P.S. fuck off mate, Avicii - True is a super album... doesn't have a single bad track and I usually hate this mainstream type of house, yet with Avicii there's always some hidden and/or double dark meaning of every song, his last album was pure crap though imo


 Last edit: 11/06/2018 13:59

Loco   Canada. Jun 11 2018 16:10. Posts 20963

Never heard of this Avicii guy but on my site both of those albums are rated similarly (poorly). True is a bit higher but not "super album" higher. The averages on this site are usually extremely reliable in my experience (I've never listened to a 2.5 or lower than I genuinely enjoyed and I listened to like 3000+ albums). At the end of the day it comes down to what you personally relate to though. https://rateyourmusic.com/artist/avicii

fuck I should just sell some of my Pokemon cards, if no one stakes that is what I will have to do - lostaccountLast edit: 11/06/2018 16:14

RiKD    United States. Jun 11 2018 17:21. Posts 8445

Avicii was a digging in the crates music addict. That was his skill. His ability to curate music was exceptional. Hence why he got so popular so fast as a DJ. He put together some of the best sets I've ever encountered. I loved "Alcoholic" when he went by his name Tim Bergling. It's like we had the synergy there. When he made that song and when I listened to that song we were both alcoholics and to some degree maybe had an inkling of it subconsciously but like Spitfire was talking about there is that double meaning there. Yeah, this is a fun party song "Call it what you want to call it I'm a fucking alcoholic!" but then the production of it is kind of like the feeling of being drunk and over the edge. Addicts can spot other addicts. I read an article on him in GQ and wanted his life. Red wine on the plane, redbull and vodka before the show, champagne during the show, red wine on the plane... I knew he was a drunk like me but at that time I wanted his drunk life. Those were the details that stuck with me in that article. In fact I can't remember anything else about that article.

But, anyways, Levels was great. Some other remixes were pretty good. I liked the Superlove remix. But, anyone that addicted to music wants to make a great album and I just don't know if he was capable of doing that. I think he was absolutely sick of the commercialization of it all. He stopped touring because of health problems but DJ'ing probably gets old really fucking quickly especially after you make $28 million in 2014 and can have any woman, pretty much anything he wants at that time. Hyper-jaded I would say. So, what the fuck do you do? He might have had $100 million at the time of his death. All he wants to do is make great music but he can't. Maybe he is too proud to go back to his roots and dig in the crates and curate beauty or maybe he just doesn't want to do that. Damn man, I get it. You guys would never hear about it but if I start drinking again I could get to a point real fast where drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels, breaking it on the floor and slicing my wrists up would seem like the only option.


FullBRing   Philippines. Jun 12 2018 09:30. Posts 581

Good if you are already talking to someone thats great. It sounds like mostly you are too often on your own. Solitude is very bad for human being, i would just take any fucking job to build a circle of people around you and then move on to another job that interests you a bit more like your parents suggested. Gl mate


 



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