I am trying to learn game theory atm and came across this cool problem in my textbook:
You play a game where a fair coin is flipped until it comes up tails the first time. At that point the player wins $2^n, where n is the number of times the coin was flipped. How much should one be willing to pay for each game to still be +EV
Fuck fashion. Fuck social media. Fuck it all. Fuck capitalism.
Yet, I am still on Tinder. I found out the other day that they found out that the "swipe right" motion creates a dopamine hit. Angry Birds, Tinder, Instagram.....
I'm close to going straight up born again. Except the stoic approach seems so much more rational than prayer. Jesus is the fucking man though. I want to start my own Church but I'm not qualified. I just want to be a part of it. It would probably be like a Unitarian Church but with great music. Actually, that probably already exists in my city.
I go back and forth between "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius and "The Kingdom of God Is Within Us" by Leo Tolstoy.
Here are Tolstoy's Five Christ Commandments:
1. “Be at peace with all men, and never consider your anger as just. Never look upon any man as worthless or a fool, neither call him such. Not only shall you never think yourself justified in your anger, but also you shall never consider your brother’s anger as causeless; and therefore, if there is one who is angry with you, even if it is without cause, go and be reconciled to him before praying. Endeavor to destroy all enmity between yourself and others, that their enmity may not grow and destroy you.” Matthew 5:21-26
2. “Take no pleasure in concupiscence; let each man, if he is not a eunuch, have a wife and each woman a husband; let a man have but one wife, and woman one husband, and let them never under any pretext whatever dissolve their union.” Matthew 5:32
3. “Never take an oath under any circumstances. Every oath is extorted from men for evil.” Matthew 5: 33-37
4. “Never resist evil by violence; never return violence for violence. If anyone strikes your, bear it; it anyone takes away what is yours, let him have it; if anyone makes you labor, do so; if anyone wants to have what you consider to be your own, give it up to him.” Matthew 5: 38-42
5. “Never consider men of another nation as your enemies; look upon all men as you do toward your fellow-country men; therefore you shall not kill those whom you call your enemies; love all and do good to all.” Matthew 5:43-48
I think after a cursory view life would be happier following these principles. I think resist not evil is the most controversial. I would hope we could discuss it here.
But in a way I can't argue with the likes of Zeno, Seneca, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius. That feels more natural. I almost wish I could have some delusional trust in God. This "Grace" that comes with putting everything into God. God as Father, God as Employer.... No fear except fear of God. I mean.... I used to love loving-kindness meditations. I could see prayer being similar to that. I could probably write less blog posts if I prayed. But I don't actually believe that God is out there somewhere listening to my prayers.
I'm just trying to be me. In this crazy world. This crazy fucking universe. Is that an impossible task? Culture is not my God. Fuck culture. A bunch of white males sitting on billions of dollars. That's who creates culture. Culture is not my God. Yet, I have tattoos and wear Tommy Bahama shorts and Bread and Boxer shirts. I read about it in a magazine. Fuck magazines. Fuck Conde Naste Traveler. I'm swiping right with all the rest of the sad lot. I try to shop at Goodwill but there is just nothing really there. Trying to be me. Trying to shop at Goodwill. A lot of trying going on. There is no try only do or do not. Culture is not my God. Fuck Culture. Let me move out to Montana on a bunch of acres like Gogol's Nose. I wonder what ever happened to Gogol's Nose?
You have to have capital to do a lot in this world. I almost feel like my employer's health insurance is a scam to keep me in medical debt so I have to keep working. How the hell am I going to get out to Montana or Wyoming?
Sometimes I think I either need to become a minister or an artist. Van Gogh did both and still shot himself in the chest. It's stories like that that make me wonder if there is a way out for me. I mean I'm not getting out of this alive but maybe it would be nice to have a family or maybe not. Who the fuck knows. Some people to drink coffee with and talk. One thing about going born again is I will be the darling of all the AA circles.... I just want to study butterflies. Be in awe of their beauty.
Culture is not my God. But it still controls me to a degree. I think the less culture controls me the better off I am. If I can find others. Being an isolated recluse is not a whole lot of fun. I don't favor a solitary life that is just how the cookie has crumbled. That's the dichotomy here. If I renounce culture then in a way I renounce contemporary people. The other culture-less recluses and I will never meet.
I love this song:
I don't have internet right now but it is:
"Just Let Me Dance" - Scandal (Maxxi Soundsystem Remix)
I would like to dance more. I am not quite sure how to accomplish this.
The first time I heard this song was on an Avicci podcast way back when. Maybe like 2010. That suicide definitely resonated with me because he seemed to have a pretty good life. Also, if I am not mistaken he slit his wrists with a broken wine bottle which is definitely a way I would do it. I thought about doing that late in my drinking career all sprawled out on the couch miserable the alcohol no longer having its desired effect. You get angry. Smash a bottle on the ground and cut some arteries sounds like a great plan.
There is a difference between someone who has 2 months to live and is bed ridden with horrible pain and someone like Avicci. It doesn't matter if the latter is currently in bad experience. No experience is not better if it annihilates.
I never really said it yet but capital and capitalism is behind it all. Capital and capitalism is not my God.
Who is my God?
Fuck if I know.
Spiritual progression I would say has been fruitful. A conglomerate of spirituality to hold off the conglomerate of neoliberal capitalism. There will always be darkness in the world. Suffering, pain, misery. It feels like I am getting close to the answer. But I'm not sure there is an answer. And it is also a very individualistic thing but also the overall practice in general could be one size fits all perhaps. Meaning the problem may look simple but it is actually very complicated. And the answer could be simplified but it can't be simplified to get a true answer. I haven't come across the answer yet. I don't believe in Utopia. Hell, we are all doomed sooner than later. Climate change is coming. I need help. I really do. With more than 1 thing. With a lot of things. I just think if we can mix like the wisdom of the stoics with Jesus and "God" we are onto something. Not to forget the Taoists, Buddhists, Existentialists. It can all kind of go together. Mixing Jesus with Nietzsche? I want to be like a progressive Christian edgelord that takes into account all sources not just the piece of shit Bible.
I have a bad cold and it sucks. I slept most of the day today and my AC is bust. I just had a bomb ass pho though and I am feeling a bit better. I was the only customer in the Vietnamese place nearby until an attractive Asian around my age came in as well and ordered the same thing as me. So, we were both sat in the empty restaurant eating our pho. I feel like that is a spot if any to make a play. I didn't though. I just got completely immersed in my pho, emptied the bowl, said thanks to the staff and left. I caught her checking me out as I walked by. I'll never see her at the bars. I'll never see her anywhere except for maybe at that restaurant. I am not social. I don't go anywhere consistently to socialize. I am a social animal though. It's tough.
I haven't really felt like doing anything but you gotta pass the time no? I bit a decent chunk out of Mark Fisher's blog posts. Fucking awesome. I slogged through some Baudrillard. I am thinking about quitting that book. He is some parts brilliant but other parts repetitive yet all over the place. Not completely incomprehensible but definitely a dense read. I like just having Mark Fisher's blogs around to jump in and devour them at will similar to having Infinite Jest around although they serve different purposes. Besides those two which I will have around and read and re-read I am currently lacking that book that I am really excited about reading. All the stuff on my bookshelf and all the stuff in my Goodreads hasn't really been calling my name either. Byung-Chul Han has a new book but I haven't even read "What is Power?" yet. "Political Philosophy of Post-Structural Anarchism" by Todd May may be the one.
I wish I wanted to paint. Not yet. I feel crummy. Crummy that I don't want to read textbooks right now or paint or do much of anything. Maybe I'll watch ContraPoints latest installment. Ruhhharrrggghhh. That's how I feel.
I suppose I am not miserable or depressed. Perhaps disengaged or alienated. I am not sure how to fix this. I have my books but I don't always feel like reading. I am currently slogging through a Todd May book where he is thinking about how to counter Camus' silent universe. It's not really all that convincing or enjoyable to read. Of course, I am re-reading "Infinite Jest" like I mention at every opportunity which is fantastic. I'm so smart for reading such a long, complicated book. I think it's more I am just so excited about this piece of literature I just want to talk about it and have no one to discuss it with.
One thing Todd May talks about is thinking deeper which means thinking slower. I am not even sure if I know what that means but I know it probably doesn't mean to scarf it down mindlessly like one would a Big Mac, Coke, and french fries. One has to linger, give it some time. As Byung-Chul Han would discuss there can be a scent to time. Let it breathe. Let it linger. Both Byung-Chul Han and Aristotle say the greatest good is to linger contemplatively. I don't know if we need to go that far. But there is certainly value there especially if one is contemplating things anyway.
I have been thinking a lot about what would bring me more joy? What would engage me in life? What would make me feel less alienated?
Friends is probably the first choice. Or just connection to people. God, we have certainly been through this before......
My therapist suggested that I try online dating. I told her I had no interest in Tinder. She was saying as we get older with the things we are avoiding the circuits in the brain get stronger and it becomes more and more difficult to expose ourself to the stimuli. I believe that dating and making friends gets more difficult as we get older to boot. So, I am kind of up against a lot. She was like fuck that just trial it out and see what happens. Dance with life!
Does anyone on here have experience with non Tinder/Bumble dating sites? I've heard of OKCupid. That's the only one that comes to mind.
I talked about how when I had any success in dating I had money, status, and was drinking a lot in my twenties. Now, I am a poor, sober leftist nobody 35 year old. I am attracted to the 24-28 hot little numbers even if in most cases we wouldn't be very compatible. I need a certain level of beauty. At least it feels that way. And that's not just tied into some 28 year old blonde with big tits. I just have to find some beauty in the person. Many times that's hard to do with just a profile to look at.
All the women I have slept with or dated had a certain beauty to them. I don't know where I stand today. Like, if I have to settle and date fat women, single moms, cougars. In today's late stage capitalism with many following suit I am a bit of a leper. I am not "supposed" to be in medical debt living with my parents. And it doesn't seem fair. I live a morally good life but perhaps not a meaningful life and I wouldn't say I live a beautiful life. When I am painting I live a beautiful life. When I am contemplating philosophy I am living a beautiful life. My life would certainly be more exciting if I were dating. Oh well, I am eating dinner soon. I will certainly continue to think deeply or rather think slowly on these topics. To linger contemplatively. Vida contemplativa . It's the only way I know.
So, I am reading this book "Death (The Art of Living)" by Todd May. There are some points I would like to discuss. May posits that Epicurus doesn't get it entirely right. There is more to life than just pleasure and pain. There are also projects. There are also "other" like the author taking an afternoon nap and waking up to trees and blue sky outside of his window and the joyful and wistful feelings that bring. There can also be contributing to the Other but May actually disagrees and says that contributing to the Other is inherently meaningless because life itself is meaningless. It is akin to sharing food with someone on a sinking ship. This is where I think May is wrong. He isn't wrong that life is inherently meaningless but maybe just maybe community and contributing to the Other is one of the only things we have. If there were "meaning" in this life that would be it.
It feels like I haven't blogged in a while. Even though my blogs litter the LP blogosphere.
Hurricane Dorian is coming for my county. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The governor has declared mandatory evacuations. *Shrug* I suppose I'll gather more information and make a more accurate decision hopefully before it's too late.
I discovered Charlie Z last night. At first I wanted to see him get his ass beat but then I realized the guy has serious mental illness and wanted to do an intervention.
I have been spending more time around reddit trying to find a community there. So far, it's entertaining but I haven't really found a community.
I haven't been painting as much. I think I've just sort of hit a plateau and a lack of inspiration.
I have been tearing through "Fathers and Sons" by Ivan Turgenov. Pretty good read so far.
I've been listening to Tool's new album. I want to withhold my opinion on it until I have listened through it some more but not many are making music like this even if I may like their old stuff better. Loco could probably come on here and post 10-20 metal bands that have been making music but I am not privy to those bands. 7empest is the shit. I like Fear Innoculum as well. I really should listen to it some more today but my friend made a TOOL playlist on Spotify that I have been listening to instead. I never listened to much of Opiate or Undertow so I am kind of learning those songs as well too. So, I am on a major TOOL kick. Danny Carey is GOD.
I think we all know by now these updates are more for me than for you but I have been told that people are interested in the happenings of my life so I keep on truckin'.
I'm coming off a painting high. I pushed myself a bit today. I am getting out of my comfort zone and taking on some challenging pieces a bit outside my skill level. One ended up alright although it is unfinished. I may leave it unfinished. For me painting is paradise. I've started to not give a fuck about painting nudes. I'll cover the house with them. That's just what I'm interested in painting at the moment.
I finally set up my drum set today. It's pretty cool. I just do quaint little drum solos through out the day. I don't really know what I'm doing but I pick up tidbits here and there by watching YouTube videos.
It's all about challenges in line with skills. I feel like both in painting and drums I need some lessons to pick up my skills to the next level of challenges. Or, just like brute force it somehow. I know that studying Rouault, Basqiuat, Picasso, Matisse has definitely brought my painting game up. I am doing the same with drumming. There are certain aspects of technique in both that I am missing that I think would be easy improvements by seeing a teacher. It's just a matter of if I have the time and money to do so and if there are any worthwhile teachers local.
I'm listening to a mix I made during my last mania. It is pretty interesting. Some peculiar duds in there but overall it's pretty fucking lit.
I am just obsessed with nudes though. The female form is so fucking amazing. To express that through painting is liberating. It's paradise. FREEDOM! I can paint whatever I want. Use any colors I want. Do whatever the fuck I want. There are not many areas of life where that is true. In fact, I want to be painting right now but what I want to paint I don't have the skills and it is frustrating.
I am a caterpillar inching forward. A snail. ¡Lento pero avanzo!
I am looking for the afterglow. The afterglow of painting. The afterglow of MDMA. The afterglow of sex. It's weird now that I have been painting so many nudes I look at women not for sex or erotica but if they would be interesting to paint nude. That's really fucking weird actually. Painting for me might be better than sex. I am unsure if it is better than a good night on MDMA though. Sometimes I get thoughts of bucking the trend of good ole AA and just start frequenting some good, clean Molly. I thought the world was conspiring against me the other night. I saw a really good advertisement for red wine and then in the car "Marijuana" by Chrome Sparks came on the mix. Probably best to just stay clean and sober from all substances......
Like my girl Sia:
Hero. She's been clean and sober for like 9 years and rescues dogs (and people). Her Higher Power is "Whatever Dude." A queer, surfing Santa Claus that kind of resembles her grandfather. I would ask her to be my sponsor if she was local. I don't even have a sponsor....
But, I gotta live my life:
Even though I'm an underdog:
The Ghost of Avicii! SUPERLOVE:
I think when I was a freshman in college I was probably a favorite. Privileged white boy from the suburbs going to the best state school in the state. That's not like Ivy league privelege but it's pretty privileged. Now, going through a drinking problem progression and having a mental illness it just feels like I am an underdog. An underdog not to be underestimated whatever that means. Actually, it doesn't matter. I'm just doing my best man. SUPERLOVE for the earth and it's children/citizens.
Let's Go!
GIVE
Did I leave my life to chance or did I make you fucking dance:
DID I LEAVE MY LIFE TO CHANCE OR DID I MAKE YOU FUCKING DANCE:
You've been drinking like the world's about to end (It is):
This is someone I need to paint nude. Dios mio:
Gimme Some More:
A Small Measure of Peace:
That's what I have when painting and curating some music for ya'll. Maybe that is all I can ask for. A small measure of peace. Feelings are merely visitors. We will have good times and bad times and some hard times too. Buddhist monks and blues singers have a lot of wisdom. So, despite everything we go on. Unless we don't want to. But, death is so terribly final. Formidable. Is that English or French? I choose to go on. Thank you for allowing me to post all these blogs. I have been granted a small measure of peace. There is no telling what tomorrow will bring. So let's have fun!
It's about 2am here. ABSOLUTE MUST LISTENING PAST MIDNIGHT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!
Smoke a volcano and chill and ABSOLUTE MUST LISTENING IN LIFE!!!!!
-w0lzD565uq&pbjreload=10
I will leave it at that ya'll. Have fun. Find peace. Eat pussy. Live your Life. Joy is the goal.
I want to get different colored light bulbs. I already have f.lux. Damn, so many ideas. I always liked 8-9am sun but sunset sun is fantastic as well. I think light + space could revolutionize the planet. Kanye West is already ahead of the curve with this.. Architecture, design, lighting is so cool even if it's a mud hut. I have so many ideas but I'm a broke pizzaiolo. I want to wake up to the sun and read to a soothing soft light. I need to get educated on all of the different wavelengths and frequencies and what does that mean?
Hello guys, my name is Marko. I am originally from Finland and I am 31 years old. I have played poker for living the past 8 years. I play mainly mid-stakes tournaments online. I always liked tournaments, because they are the most fun. I find cash games to be a bit of grind, although I started my career playing cash games, 6-max and HU, but after a while I figured tournaments are much more fun and profitable, so I changed to tournaments. That was probably 8-10 years ago. It's tough to remember, because it was so long time ago. Hah. Time flies fast.
I love to travel. I've been traveling around Europe most of twenties and playing online poker. Poker has given me good chance to travel the World and see places. I think traveling has helped me a lot in developing myself and my world view. If we stay in the same place our whole life, I think our life view is very narrow, so it's important to get away and see new things, feel new things etc.
About 2019, well It's been pretty good year. Poker wise hasn't been as good, but there's still plenty of the year left, so not too worried. I will still make it a great year, hah! I will have few projects coming up, so those should be good rail for the forums.
In general I will be talking about coaching, self-development, business, poker, life, travel, football etc. I hope you will enjoy the ride!
BTW, STEROIDhulk is the name I have on Stars, so that's why the thread name.
Anyone have experiences with it? Thinking of trying it. On one hand, studies have shown that there's potential in using it to treat depression and anxiety. The former has been an on and off struggle for me. On the other hand, there seems to be a small risk in lasting negative effects, and can be especially dangerous to people who are genetically at risk of schizophrenia (which may be me). Girlfriend wants to try it for woowoo reasons. And I'm curious if it will help me and on the fence. Thoughts?
Other news, I quit poker, launched web dev business and hussling every day of the week to make it happen. Networking my brains off, calling, selling, pitching and exhibiting. It's tough.
I'm closest to my dreams twice a day. I'm pretty close to my dreams right now.
My therapist today questioned whether or not activism was for me. I seem to always talk about it but I don't do anything. In one sense it is possible that it is not for me but on the other hand at this point in my life it seems like one of the only things. Educating myself is part of the process.
She asked me what I fantasize about my life being. I said Paris, France. That's just what I said at the time. I could have probably said something "better." The fact is I don't know if my life would be better in Paris, France. I could have said Sasha Grey and Faye Reagan in my King size bed. I honestly don't know what it would look like but my recent vacation sheds some insight into it. I think any vacation does. With that said I spend quite a bit of time at some place of work to earn a living. That's been a struggle my whole life. I want to treat it as a project that I don't have illusions of immortality and certainly not something that is going to be self-exploitive. I want to help people. Not because I am Jesus but because that is all there really is in this life. I don't want to help my boss get a bonus or my company to be more profitable either. I want to eat food and paint and do stuff. I want to somehow try and cover these massive medical bills for psychiatry and therapy. It's like I'm shit out of luck no matter where I go but I need at least psychiatry and honestly feel that therapy helps but therapy is a slippery slope. I can't not go to a Psychiatrist with my conditions but I'm not going to literally be in dire straights if I don't see a therapist. A therapist is a good spot to just like get real with me and push me on just exactly what the fuck am I doing with my life which it feels like I need that. Sometimes it feels that nothing is helping and I am just floating through life. I don't know. I honestly think these days many of us are floating through life we just don't like to admit it or there is just not really any other option. I think Sisyphus has a smile on his face sometimes but certainly not all the time or even most of the time. I get a reprieve from all of that on occasion when I paint. We all take showers, brush our teeth, put on our shoes, and all the other tedious things that sometimes make my life feel exactly the same everyday. I know I can't be the only one out there who feels this way at least from time to time. As Fight Club says we were raised on movies and rock n' roll or whatever Fight Club says. Chuck P has a point. Hell, I partied with Dan Bilzerian. That is supposed to be the pinnacle of life am I right? Well, I can't lie it was pretty fun and memorable... Should I be sad that I don't have an Instagram account? It's really no skin off my back. So, what do I want? I want friends around a campfire, a hike in the forest, some good museums, some good coffee, a fire Thai curry, a walk on the beach, a local coffee shop, a walk around town, some good sex, cats, a good novel.... notice I didn't list activism anywhere. A protest doesn't even cross my mind.
I've never been on a protest so not that surprising I wouldn't think of it. I think it is the kind of adventure that would be something positive in my life. Fight Club is a pretty brilliant story I think I may re-read the book or re-watch the movie. It's about getting out of the hum drum aspects of life. Our generation may get it but the one coming up may get it better. I don't know what our generation is. I want more out of life but don't know what and may or may not be willing to "do what it takes." I want to carve out a piece of life that's just ok ya know? Good enough. It's like I want to be Thoreau and live in the forest except I want that forest to be Paris, France. Except I don't really need that. The city I'm currently in is nice enough as it is. Oh well. I've written enough as it is. Ciao. Au revoir. Buenos Noches.
There is a lot of suffering and misery in lifeby RiKD, July 19
I see that Turkey is stacking the borders preparing to attack Rojava. I see Richard Spencer as a Nazi pundit on CNN. I see a Trump rally turning disturbingly fascist. I see the existence and behavior of these privately owned detention centers and private prisons. It was almost overwhelming for me yesterday. It's all still quite disturbing but I had a good vegan curry, a walk on the beach, a swim in the ocean, and studied painters all day. I bout some oil sticks as well which I can't wait to use. I used permanent marker on one of my paintings today because I had to add somethings but didn't want to get the paints out.
I found this interesting:
One of the things that is staying with me is how he talks about the subconscious and how 1 year later he'll realize what his subconscious was saying.
It's too early to tell really. All I see is a lot of Japanese calligraphy and stuff inspired by complex studies, and ecology.
I think my next painting is going to be a painting of Christ. I was thinking of copying Christ of the Incas by Rouault but I think I may do my own version. It makes me want to re-read the Gospels in Brief by Tolstoy. I don't know who I like better Buddha or Christ or the Spirit of Taoism. The thing about Christ is that he was just out for the marginalized people in life. You can't tell me he wouldn't be out their fighting for trans people, poor people, fucking kids separated from their parents in a detention center without adequate food and water, etc. Yet, some times I see some stunted out large black truck driving like an asshole with a license plate:
It has got to be the most obnoxious license plate in the USA. I don't really want to get on a rant about the USA, and God, and Manifest Destiny, and nationalism, though.... It's nationalism and perverted Christianity. Not that Christianity can ever get it all right because that is far from the truth. All I am saying is I actually like Tolstoy's "Gospel in Brief." Basically, a short story about Jesus that resonates with an atheist, anti-perverted Christian. Whatever perverted Christian even means. I am sure a 2019 Unitarian Church's Christianity is a better form of Christianity that has ever been. You know only 3% of the USA is atheist? There is not many of us. Especially, in a place like South Carolina. I like tapping into the spiritual though. The only problem is when it conflicts with science. Life is hard. There is a lot of suffering and misery in life. I wish I had more friends, I wish I had more family closer, I wish I felt part of a community. It seems as if today painting got me through the day. Not every day is going to be like that. At least I have something that soothes the pain of being more or less an isolated recluse. It's painting and activism at this point. No turning back at this point.
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